One Foot In The Grave S01 E01 - Alive and Buried
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00:0026 years sitting behind a reception desk. What must that do to a man's brain?
00:04I shouldn't think it does a lot of good myself.
00:07I suppose it's a bit like one of those polar bears that just suddenly snaps
00:11and ends up lumbering round its cage, bellowing at everyone in a rather irrational manner.
00:15Either way, it'll be a merciful release.
00:17God, early retirement at 60. You'd jump at the chance.
00:22Anyone would.
00:23How did he take it when you told him?
00:25Oh, great, great. No problem.
00:28Well, you have told him.
00:36Yes. Yes, I will, Mildred. Right.
00:40Bye.
00:43Have I got everything? Watch, fountain pen, cap, wallet, car keys?
00:48Mrs Prout's run off with that chiropodist.
00:50Margaret, where the hell did you put my car keys?
00:52How did they get in there? I never put them there.
00:54Do you know? I don't know.
00:56Derek Gibson is not a chiropodist. He's a foot fetishist.
00:59There is a difference.
01:00I've got to take the car into the garage. I'm never going to make it.
01:03By the way, Mildred, who works in the butchers, sends you her regards
01:06and says she's sorry to hear the terrible news.
01:08That's very nice... What terrible news?
01:10She didn't say.
01:11She just said it wasn't worth shoving your head in a gas oven over
01:14and you should think of it as a brand-new chapter in your life.
01:17She must have gone completely loopy.
01:19I'm going to be late. I'm off. I'll see you this evening.
01:21Bye, Victor.
01:27So, there we are, Victor.
01:29As I say, it's never an easy one for us.
01:31Still, just think of all that free time you'll have to yourself now.
01:34You must be thrilled to bits.
01:36Thrilled to bits?
01:38Of course, the biggest problem of all was how do you ever replace a man
01:41like Victor Meldrew?
01:43Well, basically, with this box.
01:45Box?
01:47I know. Isn't it amazing what they can come up with these days?
01:50It does everything you used to do, except cook.
01:52It's a box.
01:54It does everything you used to do, except complain about the air conditioning.
01:58In future, you see, all visitors will have a special security clearance code.
02:01So when they come in, they just feed the number in here and...
02:06Good morning. Welcome to Mycroft Watson Associates.
02:10Mr Winfrey will be free very shortly.
02:12If you'd just like to take a seat over there, we'll call you just as soon as he's ready.
02:16Thank you for your cooperation.
02:19I'm sorry, we haven't got you a farewell present yet,
02:22only the whip round is taking a bit longer than we expected.
02:26There were one or two very ugly scenes in the accounts department,
02:28which, if you ask me, were right out of order.
02:31But, as I say, do feel free to pop in and visit us any time you're passing,
02:35giving a minimum of five working days' notice
02:37and quoting this six-digit reference number.
02:40Six-digit reference number?
02:41Hmm. Lucky old you, Victor.
02:44A man of leisure at last.
03:23BELL CHIMES
03:34It was Bovril flavour today. What?
03:37The empty crisp packet in the front lawn.
03:40I was expecting prawn cocktail.
03:43Funny how things work out sometimes.
03:45Lord, what a day!
03:48We never stopped. Suddenly, everyone's dying at once.
03:52I'm thinking of compiling a special reference guide.
03:56The Observer's Book of Crap in Your Front Lawn.
04:01Give you something to do in the years ahead.
04:04Leaves, floral, tributes.
04:07I've never known such a run on lilies.
04:10A cornucopia of corpses, Mrs Treaty called it.
04:15You know how she comes out with these funny expressions.
04:18What is it? What's the matter?
04:21I've been replaced by a box.
04:26What are you talking about?
04:27A standard procedure for a man of my age.
04:30The next stage is to stick you inside one.
04:33They haven't retired you.
04:35Haven't they? It was all a bad dream then.
04:37What did they say?
04:39Butter off, I think, was the general gist of it.
04:44Oh, Victor.
04:48Why is it this seems to be happening to everyone at the moment?
04:52It was the same with poor old Arthur.
04:55Do you remember? A lifetime of loyal service and then suddenly...
04:59That was it.
05:01They said he was past it.
05:03And he was only 56.
05:05He was an elephant.
05:09I knew he was an elephant.
05:11I'm well aware he was an elephant.
05:13He was giving the children elephant rides.
05:16So it's obvious he was an elephant.
05:18I'm just making a point.
05:20How suddenly you become dispensable.
05:22Why didn't you ring me at the shop or something?
05:25Oh, I don't know.
05:27I've been in a complete daze ever since I got back.
05:31An hour and a half I spent looking at these two photographs
05:35of Nicholas Ridley in an overturned dust cart.
05:38I thought it was one of those spot the difference competitions.
05:42I can't even see straight anymore.
05:44I'll make a cup of tea.
05:4726 years.
05:53His hair always looks nice.
05:55I wonder what he washes it with.
05:57His vest and his socks. What do you think he washes it with?
06:00What are you saying? It's not real?
06:03Of course it's real. Look at the parting.
06:06That's not a parting.
06:08That's a crease where it's folded up in the box, you blind...
06:12He seems in a bad mood tonight.
06:15Or is it just me?
06:17Well, obviously it has been a bit of a trial to him, Jean, you know.
06:22He's been a real upset, all told.
06:25Hmm. But then he always did get unbearably irritable
06:28at the best of times, didn't he?
06:31He always was a moaner.
06:33I'm sorry, he? Who's this he we're suddenly talking about?
06:36Dr Crippen, Haig, the acid bath murderer?
06:40So how big was it then, Mr Meldrew?
06:43What? This box.
06:46Well, I suppose it was about 12 inches wide by about...
06:50What bloody difference does it make how big it was?
06:53It was a box filled with wires and microchips and it's taken my job.
06:57I'm now officially a lower form of life than a Duracell battery.
07:03You've got to keep busy, Mr Meldrew, that's the thing.
07:06Find things to occupy yourself.
07:08Like Jean here. Now, she's never idle, are you?
07:11All our coffee mornings and jumble sales.
07:14Lunchtime shows every Thursday.
07:16In a few minutes, the Paul Daniels magic show...
07:19Now, look, there's something you used to do.
07:21Conjuring tricks.
07:23He used to put on little shows for the children.
07:26He's still got all the junk stored up in the loft.
07:29You know, silk handkerchiefs, dummy pigeons, you name it.
07:33Dummy pigeons?
07:35Weren't they?
07:37Of course they weren't dummy pigeons.
07:39Dummy pigeons?
07:41How do you think they flew across the stage onto that perch?
07:44Don't ask me, is he some trickery or other?
07:46They were not dummy pigeons, you don't know anything about it.
07:49So, when are you going to come down to the centre, then?
07:52Put on a show for us?
07:54Yes, very funny.
07:56He's too stubborn, I'm afraid.
07:58Yes, they can be at that age.
08:01Oh, can they? Can they really at that age?
08:03Yes, senile dementia, I believe it's called.
08:05I believe it is.
08:07Of course he's right.
08:09I can still manage it, not after all these years.
08:11I can still manage it, don't you worry about that.
08:14I'm just not prepared...
08:16I'm just not prepared to prostitute my art
08:18in front of six wizened zombies from the local W.I.
08:21I don't plan to occupy my time, I've been busy all these years.
08:24I'm not going to stop now.
08:26Last thing I'm going to be doing is moping about at home all day
08:29feeling sorry for myself.
08:36Nine o'clock.
08:3814 more hours before it's time to go to bed.
08:43Oh, God.
09:09A bloody W.I.C.S. catalogue.
09:16Mmm, goody.
09:18A comprehensive list of large-lap fence panels.
09:21How could I have lived without one?
09:23Why is it when life's at its lowest ebb,
09:26when you really need some good news to cheer you up,
09:29the only thing that comes through your letterbox is a letter.
09:32It's a letter.
09:34It's a letter.
09:36The only thing that comes through your letterbox
09:38is a bloody W.I.C.S. catalogue.
09:40Oh, my God.
09:42Perhaps I'll grow a beard, give me something to do.
09:45There must be more to it than this.
09:47What do other people do?
09:49What are you doing?
09:51Going to the toilet again.
09:54If that's the only reason you're going upstairs,
09:56to go to the toilet you only went 15 minutes ago,
09:59then the only reason you're going again now
10:01is to relieve the monotony.
10:04Pull yourself together, man.
10:06You're becoming a lavatory junkie.
10:10If you go on like this, I'll have to wire your flies together.
10:13World, you'll zip up with a soldering iron.
10:16Do something constructive.
10:20Oh, they must be in by now.
10:22Give them a call. What have you got to lose?
10:26Hello, Stapleton Security Systems.
10:28Yes, look, I notice you're advertising for staff
10:31in this week's...
10:33Mail Drew.
10:35Oh, is he?
10:37Yes, he can. I'm on 770301.
10:40No, that is the home number.
10:42No, I'll be here all day.
10:44No, I'm not going out. No, I'll be here.
10:46Because I'll be here all day, that's why.
10:48Yes, in the house, all day.
10:50I'll be here all day.
10:52I'll be here all day, that's why.
10:54Yes, in the house, all day.
10:56Look, never mind sod that for a life.
10:58Just ask him to ring me.
11:00What? Oh, is he?
11:02Oh, yes, hello.
11:04Yes, well, I was with Watson Mycroft
11:06at head office for 26 years.
11:08Oh, yes, that's absolutely suitable.
11:10Look, yes.
11:13Could you hold on a second? There's someone at the door.
11:18Yes. Oh, good morning, sir.
11:20My name's Nick. I'm calling on behalf
11:22of the elderly. I'm looking for
11:24Mr Victor Meldrew.
11:26Yes. Oh, that's you.
11:28Oh, that's thrown me. I was told
11:30you were in the granny annex. Granny annex?
11:32Look, I'm on the phone just now.
11:34Can you hang on for just one second, please?
11:36Hello, are you still there?
11:38Yes, right.
11:40Come in for a little chat, why not?
11:42Why not indeed?
11:44Then we can get to know each other,
11:46have a friendly little natter.
11:48You can't do that standing on the doorstep, can you?
11:5110 o'clock. 10.15.
11:53Right, fine. Yes, I'll be there. Thank you very much.
11:55Goodbye. Look, what are you...?
11:57Friendly natter over a cup of tea. It's also much more personal, isn't it?
12:00Cup of tea? I won't if you don't mind on this occasion,
12:02but it's always nice to be asked.
12:04Now, let me tell you a little bit
12:06about the Outward Bound scheme.
12:08Basically, we provide little rides
12:10out and about, here, there and everywhere, really.
12:12I do not want to go to Eastbourne.
12:14Plus a special minibus to Eastbourne.
12:16Once a month, with a train nurse on board,
12:19should anyone suddenly collapse
12:21or suffer a wheezing fit of some kind.
12:23Look, who sent you round here?
12:25Oh, I think a Mrs Capshaw
12:27from Help the Aged put us on to you,
12:29but I'm not quite certain.
12:31Well, look, if you'd just bloody well piss off.
12:33Go and see Mrs Orthob at 25.
12:36I believe she's ready to nail the lid down.
12:38Yes, I hear what you're saying.
12:40A desire for independence is perfectly natural,
12:42but you mustn't feel that you're being a burden at all.
12:44You know, a millstone round the neck of society.
12:46I'll tell you what.
12:48I'll just give you my phone number, and then...
12:50Look, if I need a car to pick me up,
12:52I'll ring for a hearse.
12:54Lovely to meet you, then, Mr Meldrew.
12:56Sorry about the cup of tea. Maybe next time.
12:58Bye-bye to you, sir.
13:00Good morning.
13:06Yes. Yes.
13:08Well, you are entitled to that opinion, Mr Glackon.
13:10But with... Yes.
13:12But with... But with...
13:14But with great respect, sir.
13:16We saw the end of In Good Faith,
13:18so I don't think we can be...
13:20Yes.
13:22Well, if that makes you feel better, by all means, sir.
13:24Goodbye to you.
13:28Good afternoon. You're, er...
13:30Victor Meldrew, the Crimson Avenger.
13:34Yes, I... I'm not quite sure...
13:36It's still on the ramp.
13:38I'm sorry, sir?
13:40You promised me, if you're ready, by 3.30.
13:42I've just spent two hours getting here
13:44and I'm not going to call an iron maiden,
13:46but we now call public transport.
13:48It is now 5 o'clock
13:50and I can't help but noticing
13:52that my car is still stuck up on a ramp
13:54with a series of pimply yous
13:56in boiler suits and earrings underneath it
13:58fiddling about mindlessly with monkey wrenches.
14:01I'm sure they're working as fast as they can, sir.
14:03They are not working as fast as they can.
14:05Two of them are staging a mock fencing duel with car areas.
14:07Now, what the hell's going on?
14:09Just one second, Mr Meldrew.
14:12Just one second, Mr Meldrew.
14:19What's going on at this time of day?!
14:21I've had it!
14:23I've had it!
14:25I've had it!
14:27I've had it!
14:35Yes, there does appear to be a slight hitch with that one, sir.
14:38Can you tell me what exactly was the problem with the car?
14:41What do you mean you don't know what's wrong with it yet?
14:43Well, we know what's wrong with it now.
14:45I was just wondering what was wrong with it
14:47when you brought it in.
14:49Oh.
14:51Well, it kept sticking in first gear.
14:53Half the time, I couldn't get it to go
14:55any faster than 10 miles a foot.
14:57What do you mean, what's wrong with it now?!
14:59What have you done to my car?!
15:01I do apologise, Mr Meldrew. It's so difficult to find the parts.
15:03It is if you've dropped them all over the bloody floor.
15:05There's a massacre of Glencoe with spark plugs out there.
15:09I'm afraid it won't be ready for you now until midday tomorrow.
15:12Midday?! I've got an interview for a job
15:14on the other side of town tomorrow.
15:16How am I going to get there?!
15:20There we are. Look, we're just past the park.
15:22Oh, look, aren't the geraniums nice?
15:26Shall we stop and have a look at them?
15:28I think we ought to know what a geranium looks like, for God's sake.
15:31Can't this thing go any faster? It's quarter to already.
15:34Oh, look at that lady's hat. That's a nice one, isn't it?
15:37I wonder where she got that.
15:39Very smart on her.
15:41My goodness, look at the lovely colour of the traffic lights.
15:44It just turns such a nice shade of green.
15:46I'm sure if we sit here long enough,
15:48they'll go back to that lovely red again.
16:00What's the matter? Why have we stopped?
16:02It's been stalling like this all week, damn thing.
16:05Now, if I could just get it on a roll down that slope there,
16:08we'd be in business.
16:27Take it, everyone.
16:29Just a bit further.
16:35Now, how's this working in just a jiffy here?
16:38I don't think I feel very well, Mr Meldrew.
16:41It's starting to be a bit stiff.
16:43It's been in the attic for 12 years.
16:45All it needs is a good clout.
16:47Mr Meldrew, I don't feel very safe with it.
16:50Maybe the blade's gone a bit rusted.
16:52Oh, bugger that!
16:54Oh, dear!
16:56Oh, dear!
16:59Oh, dear!
17:01Oh, dear!
17:03Oh, dear!
17:06It's certainly sharp enough still.
17:08Mr Meldrew, what if it doesn't work?
17:10It'll work. Have a little faith.
17:12Oh!
17:14I want to get out. I feel extremely dizzy.
17:17No, don't rock the frame like that. It won't do it any good.
17:23Perfect. Perfect working order.
17:26That's splendid. I'm very pleased with that.
17:29Oh! Oh!
17:31I think I'm going to be sick.
17:33Not in that rug. I just cleaned it.
17:37Oh, that's not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
17:40How long do you want me to do? A half hour? I suppose I could stretch it to 45.
17:44I'll give you a ring tomorrow.
17:46Jean!
17:48What's the matter? What's wrong with your neck?
17:50Don't touch it, please. My head may fall off.
17:57Have you been guillotining that woman?
18:00I thought I told you to try it on a cushion first.
18:03Oh, where's the pleasure in that?
18:05Anyway, it was fine. I didn't think it would be after all that time.
18:08I thought it might have gone a bit rusty.
18:10The escapology.
18:12Do you think I've still got the knack, Margaret?
18:22How did the interview go?
18:24Don't ask.
18:26I just asked. Well, don't.
18:29I got there two hours late in one of my bad tempers
18:32and was immediately insulted by some gink in a peaked cap at the front desk.
18:36You know what they're like.
18:40What did he say?
18:42He said, ah, you'll have come to do the drains.
18:45Then I go through to the personnel officer
18:48and he managed to make three unpleasant remarks about my hat
18:51before I even sat down.
18:53So I told him where to stick his job and left.
18:57Mr Langisham came into the shop today from your old office
19:01with a big leaving card for you.
19:04He said they were going to post it,
19:07but it would just be a waste of a stamp.
19:09That's all he brought, I take it.
19:11He didn't leave a gold watch or a set of priceless wine glasses.
19:14Oh, you never know. There's still time.
19:16They could be planning a big surprise or something.
19:19Yes. Oh, look, there go another flock of flying pigs.
19:26I've got lamb chops for tea.
19:28Is that all right?
19:30Fine.
19:38Are you going to give me a hand with these potatoes
19:41or do I have to do everything myself?
19:43Just coming.
19:48Any luck?
19:50Yes, at long last.
19:52They had to bring a new clutch, a complete new gearbox
19:56and four new tyres.
19:58I don't know why they didn't stick a new car onto the wing mirror
20:01and be done with it.
20:03Where are you going?
20:05I said I'd take Mrs Burkett for a meal tonight.
20:07I thought she was dead.
20:09No, they found out that was a mistake.
20:11She's still got her jippy spleen.
20:13Are you going to fix this shelf?
20:15Yes, it's all in hand, don't worry.
20:17Well, make sure it's level this time.
20:20I'll see you when I see you.
20:22Bye. Daylight robbery.
20:24Well, we're running a bit late.
20:26Can we squeeze in one more question, please?
20:28Yes, I'd just like to ask the Chancellor
20:30how he would feel about having a rather large hoe
20:32bored in his head.
20:38That's better. How was it for you, Chancellor?
20:40Very.
20:42Extremely well.
20:44Yes?
20:46Mr Meldrew? It's Mrs Warboys.
20:48I'm down at the community centre.
20:50I'm just going through some bits and pieces
20:52with Mr Matthews, who's doing the lighting for us
20:54for the show tomorrow.
20:56Yes? I know it's a bit late,
20:58but we were wondering if you could get down here at all.
21:00Run through your act, as it were,
21:02just to give us some sort of idea.
21:04Couldn't it wait till tomorrow?
21:06Oh, well, Mr Matthews can't get here till one.
21:08Now the abattoir's gone off flexi-time.
21:11You want to pop down about eight?
21:13It will be worth your while, I promise you.
21:15Well, look, I'm just in the middle...
21:17Will it be worth my while?
21:19Oh, yes, Mr Meldrew.
21:21Definitely.
21:23Right. OK, I'll be there at eight.
21:25Fine. See you then.
21:27Goodbye. Bye.
21:29You never know.
21:31There's still time.
21:33They could be planning a big surprise or something.
21:35Yes, going out for dinner with Mrs Burkett.
21:37Not in that dress, she wouldn't.
21:39No, no, it's all making absolute sense now.
21:41Right. Eight o'clock.
21:51Just a second, Mr Meldrew. Hang on there.
21:53The lights have just all fused on us.
21:55Oh, dearie me, have they really? Yes.
21:57This way.
21:59Ah, here we are.
22:01I'm sure Mr Matthews will have them all on in a sec.
22:03Oh.
22:05Ah.
22:07Sorry.
22:09What?
22:11Oh, nothing.
22:13Nothing.
22:15Nothing.
22:17Nothing.
22:20What?
22:22You're all done up like a dog's dinner.
22:24You'll have somewhere nice afterwards.
22:26What?
22:28Oh, yes.
22:30Um, it's just I thought, um...
22:32Yes?
22:34Uh, nothing.
22:36So, have you got all your paraphernalia with you, then?
22:42Oh, um...
22:44Yes.
22:46I'll get it out of the boat.
22:50Thank you very much, then, Mr Meldrew.
22:52It was all very useful.
22:54See you tomorrow at one.
22:56Yes, thank you. Bye-bye.
22:58Bye.
23:00You're supposed to fix this, for God's sake!
23:22Oh.
23:24Oh.
23:26Oh.
23:29Oh.
23:31Oh.
23:39Have you trouble, Mr Meldrew?
23:44Can I give you a lift anywhere?
23:46Head her off.
23:53SHE WHISPERS
23:55GOOFY WHISPERS
23:58Oh, that's... good to know.
24:09Here comes another one, look.
24:11It makes you wonder what their marriages must be like.
24:14Hey, he's an old codger by the look of him.
24:16Stop him, it's the sheriff.
24:21Excuse me, miss.
24:23Bingo. Here we go.
24:25Two cocktails, sunshine?
24:33The court then heard evidence from WPC Sharon Banks,
24:37who had been posing as a call girl
24:39as part of a police undercover operation to trap curb crawlers.
24:43First observed the accused driving round the area very slowly
24:47with a shifty look on his face.
24:49She said...
24:51After a moment he pulled up and called out,
24:53Excuse me, miss, but can you spare me some time?
24:56When I asked what he meant by this, he replied,
24:58I may need a hand pumping this thing up.
25:04A problem, I gather, commonly associated with elderly men.
25:10The court then heard that a search of Mildrew's car
25:13revealed a mind-boggling collection of chains, padlocks and handcuffs.
25:18When quizzed about these by the prosecution,
25:21he claimed to have been out that night rehearsing an escapology act,
25:25to much laughter and merriment from the jury.
25:28Although clear of all the charges before him, Mildrew was...
25:32fined £500 for contempt of court
25:35after taking the Bible in his right hand
25:37and hurling it at the head of the presiding magistrate.
25:45It's not been a very good week, has it?
25:49Perhaps an electric fire in the bath might be the answer.
25:53Time will sort it out.
25:55You can't expect things to run smoothly straight away.
25:59No.
26:01You're like a car, stuck in the wrong gear.
26:04You've got to change down, slow down, adapt to a new routine.
26:09You've got a whole new life ahead of you, Victor.
26:12I mean, you've hardly started.
26:16You've got it all still to come.
26:20Yes. That's what scares me.