One Foot In The Grave S01 E04 - I'll Retire to Bedlam
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, Danny boy, the pikes, the pikes are calling.
00:07You must be in a good mood.
00:12Sunday morning, what is it to be miserable about?
00:19Sunday morning, the first day of a new week.
00:26I'm going to have a nice little potter about in the garden where the insanities of life can't possibly upset me.
00:32Even though Woman's Own is giving away a free gift pack of human organs with every issue this week,
00:37I'm not going to let it put my blood pressure up because life is too short.
00:45Are you coming to help me clear out the shed later?
00:47As soon as I've got the dinner on.
00:52Gorgeous. The sort of day that actually makes you glad you're alive.
00:57Oh, God, I wish I was dead.
01:01Whose bloody bees are they?
01:03How do I know whose bees they are?
01:05What are they supposed to have?
01:07Little collars with their names and addresses printed on?
01:09There are millions of them. Where the hell do they come from?
01:11I don't know. Why do you keep asking me?
01:15Who else is there to ask in here?
01:17Hello, David Attenborough. I'm sorry to trouble you.
01:19Do you think you could answer a few questions for us?
01:22I know where they came from.
01:25Where?
01:26Mr. Parson, corner of Cocoa Street.
01:28Who?
01:29He was thinking of taking up beekeeping. I remember now.
01:31He hasn't done a very good job of it, has he?
01:33Based on the principle that the idea of beekeeping is to get some bees and keep them,
01:38not unleash them in the general public like the seven plagues of Egypt.
01:42Get off the lot of you. Go on, get away.
01:44This is my bloody shed. Get the bloody hell out of here.
01:48Well, that seems to have done the trick, doesn't it?
01:53When you've quite finished acting like a baby in a paddy,
01:56you're only getting yourself hot under the collar.
01:59Right.
02:03There's one getting in under the door there. Look, there he is.
02:06Stand back, you little bastard. Come here, will you?
02:10I bet he don't think you are.
02:12Victor, it's a piece of dead moss.
02:15Don't pick it up.
02:18All right?
02:20You look like a bee from a distance.
02:23Who is it?
02:28Who the hell's Mr. Parslow, anyway?
02:31He lives at the corner of Cocoa Street.
02:33It isn't even as if we can get a message out to anybody.
02:36Saying what?
02:38Saying what?
02:40What the hell do you think it would say? Send more bees?
02:43Help will be a start.
02:45We could be in here for the rest of our lives.
02:48No.
02:50Mrs. Awful stares out of her bedroom window every half hour on a Sunday.
02:53She'll see them, knowing for help.
02:55We'll be out of here in no time.
02:58Three and a half hours.
03:03Three and a half hours.
03:07If you're going to lie there saying three and a half hours all night,
03:10I'm sleeping in the spare room.
03:17Three and a half hours of absolute death.
03:21We're lucky the fire brigade arrived when they did.
03:23We could still be stuck there.
03:25Just be thankful it's all over.
03:27What's that buzzing noise?
03:29Look.
03:30Will you go to sleep?
03:32How can I go to sleep?
03:34By the time I nod off, I have this hideous dream
03:36that I'm imprisoned in a lunatic asylum
03:38with Arthur Askey singing outside the window.
03:44What time is your eye clinic appointment tomorrow?
03:47Nine o'clock.
03:49Try and get some rest or you'll be irritable all day long.
03:52I'm always irritable all day long.
03:54I know you are.
03:57There were three Twix wrappers in the honeysuckle today.
04:00Three!
04:02Where do they all come from?
04:05The planet Twix?
04:10The star system flat lager can?
04:152,000 light ales from Earth?
04:20Every night I have to listen to this.
04:24Every night I have to listen to this.
04:28And we're not stung to death while we're asleep.
04:31We're waking up covered in ash from that local cornfield.
04:34That bathroom window, Sue, was covered in it this morning.
04:36Covered in it!
04:39I want to burn something.
04:40I should burn the bloody Twix wrappers.
04:43For God's sake, Victor!
04:46Fifteen times I've read this sentence now!
04:51I sometimes think I should have lived in medieval times.
04:54People were much more considerate then.
04:56Yes, and then you'd have spent all day
04:59wiping bits of Joan of Arc off the bathroom windowsill.
05:02For goodness sake, will you give over
05:05and stop moan, moan, moan, moan, moan?
05:09You know, Margaret, you ought to try and relax a bit more.
05:12I'm getting very irritable these days.
05:16Your Uncle Brian was stung by a bee once
05:19when we were on holiday in Bude.
05:21Took it for an ink rubber.
05:23Terrible he was, without glasses.
05:25Do you see much of him these days?
05:27When I can.
05:28Of course, he hasn't really come to terms with his wife dying yet.
05:31That's the trouble.
05:32Riding round on his own on the back of that tandem.
05:34Can't quite seem to adjust to anything.
05:36It is difficult, isn't it?
05:38How do you reckon they got loose in the first place, then?
05:41Well, they just did. We don't know.
05:43The man who owns them, Mr Parslow,
05:45hasn't been seen for the last 24 hours.
05:47Which is just as well,
05:49as Victor is planning to disembowel him with a potato dipper.
05:54I don't know what it is, Iris, since he's stopped working.
05:58He's got so much more time to dither about in,
06:01it's as if he's soaking up every hideous disaster
06:05and piece of misery in the world like a giant sponge.
06:09So have you asked him yet about, um...
06:12Well, I was hoping to wait till he was in a good mood.
06:16We could all die first.
06:28Excuse me. I'm sorry to trouble you again.
06:31There's been a bit of a mix-up.
06:33My wife brought me here at nine o'clock
06:36to see the eye specialist,
06:39and we went away about an hour ago.
06:41Didn't we?
06:42And then we did a bit of shopping and went home.
06:45And now, do you know, I think he's given me the wrong glasses.
06:49Oh, what makes you think that?
06:51Well, this isn't my wife, you see.
06:59I'm not his wife, you see.
07:01I think I've got the wrong glasses as well.
07:04Oh, dear, that is a bit of a mix-up, isn't it?
07:07If you'd just like to take a seat over there,
07:09we'll try and sort it out for you.
07:11Of course.
07:12Nurse, have I got to wait here much longer?
07:15Stuck here with the Mr Magoo Appreciation Society?
07:18I've been sat in this chair now since half-past eight.
07:22Yes, well, there's a lot of other patients besides you, Mr Meldrew.
07:25The doctor's doing his best.
07:27Come and have a look, please, Mr Jellyneck.
07:30No, a little bit longer, I think.
07:32Keep your eyes shut nice and tightly, that's it.
07:35And you, Mr Gillespie, when the drop's contained.
07:38Yes, when the drops can take effect more quickly.
07:45So what's your trouble, then?
07:47They think it might be a blocked blood vessel.
07:50I wasn't talking to you.
07:52A cataract, is it, or what?
07:54Well, they're not really sure yet.
07:56Not until I've done the tests.
07:59How's old Jack keeping these days?
08:02Did he get over that kidney infection?
08:04Oh, yes, yes.
08:06He had to have one of those tubes put inside him, didn't he?
08:10Oh, that's right.
08:12One of those tubes that go right in...
08:14Yes, yes, yes, I think we've all got the picture, thank you.
08:17Well, he's all right, but as soon as he's had to go into hospital,
08:20she's got, you know, a woman's problem.
08:25Ah.
08:28My brother suffers with that.
08:32Kidney trouble always has done.
08:35They reckon he's got to have a tube put in now, you know.
08:38Oh, God.
08:40How big are those tubes?
08:42Oh, quite big.
08:44Oh, about this long, some of them.
08:47Get away.
08:53And they just push them right in, you know.
08:56They say it's like sliding a straw into a bottle of Coca-Cola.
09:02Good God above.
09:05Were you there that day his carbuncle broke in Queensway's Bedding Centre?
09:10Right, that's it, that's enough for me, I'm afraid.
09:13Carbuncles, kidneys, tubes,
09:15his insides must look like a map of the Metropolitan Line.
09:18Right, Mr Meldrew, we've just got to pop some drops in first
09:21to open up your pupils.
09:23And here's your spectacle, sir, I'm sorry about that.
09:26It's Mr Parslow.
09:2817 Coca Street.
09:32Excuse me, I just forgot something.
09:36Thank you very much.
09:42All right, then, Aunty Margaret,
09:44but I really do need to know one way or the other by tonight.
09:47I'll ring you later, I promise.
09:49Bye, love, bye.
10:03Oh, good morning. I'm very sorry to disturb you.
10:06I'm from BBC Look East, regional news programme.
10:09I'm sure you know there's quite an important by-election
10:12being held in this constituency on Thursday
10:14and we're just doing a short film report on the candidates
10:17as they go round canvassing from door to door.
10:19Oh, yes?
10:23Well, it looks as though they've forgotten about the three of us, then.
10:27Typical.
10:33Oh.
10:41God, this stuff stings, doesn't it?
10:46Nurse, how much longer have I got to sit here like King Canute?
10:53I say, excuse me. Yeah?
10:55Can I go in there now, please?
10:58Yes, I expect so. Oh, thank you very much.
11:01And I can open my eyes, can I?
11:03Yeah.
11:11Oh, terrific.
11:19Here. What?
11:21This chair. Shall I sit in it?
11:23Yeah.
11:26Oh.
11:28Can you see that red mark on the wall there?
11:31Er... Hang on a minute.
11:35Yes. Yes, I can. Yes.
11:38I wonder what the hell it is.
11:40Won't come off with Ajax.
11:47OK, then, Mr Davidson, we're going again.
11:50All right, Mrs Meldrew?
11:53And... cue!
12:01Good morning. How are you?
12:03My name is Vincent Davidson
12:05and I'm the candidate for the monster-raving loony party
12:08in this week's by-election.
12:10Oh, yes? As you may know, we're not entirely a frivolous organisation any more.
12:14We do have a number of very clearly set-out policies
12:17and I would ask you to consider the merits of a protest vote these days.
12:21Yes, well, I don't think...
12:23Can I just leave you a copy of our manifesto?
12:25All right, but I don't think...
12:27It was a bit nice talking to you anyway.
12:29Yes, and you. Bye.
12:31Bye. Thank you.
12:33Terrific. That's all we need.
12:35Thank you very much indeed, Mrs Meldrew.
12:38Got it. That's lovely. Thanks.
12:40Was that OK? That was fine. Thanks for your help.
12:48Lots of luck, then. Bye.
12:50Actually, I was wondering if I could ask a quick favour.
12:53Yes? It's a bit embarrassing, really.
12:55I wonder if I might use your loo?
12:57Oh, of course. It's up the stairs.
12:59Thank you. One or two too many cups of tea this morning, I'm afraid.
13:03It's the first down the right.
13:12Whoa!
13:20Yes.
13:32Unbelievable, this country's medical system.
13:35Unless it's me that's going mad, that would certainly explain it all.
13:39Unless it's me, I've gone completely gar-gar.
13:42Now, listen, mate, it's not you.
13:44You're the only sane one left,
13:46so don't you start cracking up, for God's sake!
13:51DOOR OPENS
13:59All right? Yes, thank you.
14:01By the way, do you know who's a rather strange man in your house?
14:04Strange man?
14:06Victor?
14:11Yes?
14:13Oh, Iris. No, I haven't asked him yet.
14:17Gar-gar!
14:22Well, it's not exactly the best moment in the world, no.
14:30Was it my imagination, or have they just started building
14:33the world's biggest subatomic particle accelerator
14:36to explain the very origins of the universe as we know it?
14:39What? Strange, then, that they can't produce a toilet roll
14:42where the perforations are in the same place on either side of the paper.
14:46Look at this. Abomination of modern technology.
14:49You try and tear it here, and you're left with the other half
14:52hanging about there. Look at that, you see?
14:54Every time you do it, every time you tear it...
14:57Well, I've had enough of it, I can tell you.
14:59You're not going to start running that through my sewing machine again at this time of year.
15:04Well, how else am I supposed...
15:06I don't believe these bloody rugs.
15:08How the hell do they keep moving across the floor?
15:10What do you do, oil the carpet?
15:12Every time I come into this room, I have to move this mat back six inches.
15:16Well, don't, then.
15:17If I didn't, it would be halfway to Abergavenny by now.
15:24Oof.
15:26Tummy trouble again?
15:28Inside's turning over all toad.
15:31Butterflies in the stomach, I expect.
15:33Butterflies in the stomach, bees in the potting shed, loonies in the lavatory.
15:38I wonder what bounteous joys the rest of the week has in store.
15:41Eubonic plague?
15:43Nest of scorpions in the hoover bag?
15:46Late-night shopping at Budgeon's?
15:51Young Iris called round this morning.
15:54I hope she didn't bring those two brats with her.
15:57Not this time.
15:58I gathered that. The house is still standing.
16:01She has to go to Dorset tomorrow to visit her Uncle Ted in hospital.
16:06That's all the poor bloke needs.
16:08A visit from Iris and the children of the damned.
16:11They'll be cheered up by the Luftwaffe.
16:15Well, ordinarily, she'd leave them in the local day nursery, like she has in the past.
16:20But since that's been closed down...
16:28What did you say to her?
16:30Well, it's just for one day, Victor.
16:33She's promised that they'll be on their very best behaviour.
16:37No.
16:45I'm going to take you to the bat cave and bat his head in.
16:49She's hitting first.
16:50I've told you. And take that off your Uncle Victor's neck.
16:54You know his face shouldn't be that colour.
16:58Are you sure you've got time to drop me off now?
17:01Don't be silly. The station's on the way to the shop.
17:04And we've got bags of time.
17:06That guy, that 60-year-old, that's a part of my collection.
17:09John.
17:14Dylan, I won't come back for you now.
17:16I'll leave you to stay here forever.
17:18You bloody won't.
17:20And stop doing that.
17:23I blame all these variety shows.
17:25I blame all these variety shows on the television.
17:28They're a real corrupting influence.
17:30They should put them on late at night after they've gone to bed.
17:33He's very good with them, isn't he?
17:36He's, I don't know, a knack somehow.
17:43It's a real comfort knowing you can leave them in safe hands for the day.
17:46Especially these days.
17:48You have to be so careful these days. That's trouble.
17:51You'll be all right then, Victor.
17:54We're off now.
17:56Ta-ta then, Uncle. See you all this evening.
17:59And you two, behave yourselves.
18:25Victor?
18:27Oh, you're back early.
18:29They had to close the road.
18:31Due to a jackknife near the other tanker, so we shut at four.
18:34Where are they? What?
18:36I didn't expect the house to be so quiet.
18:38In the garden, are they?
18:40Dylan? Elliot?
18:44I can't see them out here, Victor.
18:47Elliot?
18:49Dylan?
18:51Where are you hiding?
18:54Perhaps they're in the garage.
18:57Yes, perhaps they, um...
19:05Boys! Are you in there?
19:13Come out of there, you little tearaways.
19:16Lay down.
19:18Leave them alone for a second.
19:21Leave them alone for a second.
19:23What would you do with them?
19:25It was only a game, Margaret, for goodness sake.
19:29You know what stickless children are for realism these days.
19:32They only call me a killjoy when I don't join in and then...
19:35Oh!
19:37Oh, don't come that pathetic act with me, Victor.
19:39I'm not in the mood.
19:41Talk about being married to W.C. Fields.
19:44I'm just speechless, that's all.
19:46Speechless.
19:48How you could just sit there and...
19:51What is it, Victor?
19:53I think you'd better call an ambulance.
20:06Is it irritable bowel syndrome?
20:08I'm sorry?
20:10What did that doctor say? It examined me.
20:12Didn't look too well himself.
20:14Well, he has been manning the fort for 36 hours single-handed.
20:17It doesn't exactly help your competence, does it,
20:19when someone nods off while they're listening to your heartbeat?
20:22Am I to stay over or what?
20:24What did they tell you?
20:26Didn't tell me anything.
20:28There was weight here, Mr Meldrew.
20:30That's all you ever do in hospitals, isn't it? Weight.
20:33Weight. Weight.
20:35Weight.
20:37Don't worry.
20:39Just leave you lying around like a piece of haddock on a fish counter.
20:41What are you doing?
20:43We've got to remove your appendix, Mr Meldrew.
20:45Eh? Aren't you going to put me to sleep first?
20:48I'm just here to shave you.
20:50They do the other bits in the operating theatre.
20:52Now just lie back and relax.
20:56Ha!
21:07Just like being at the hairdressers, isn't it?
21:10Well, now you've come to mention it, no.
21:13Do you know what sort of hairdresser you go to?
21:25Yes.
21:29We've certainly come a long way in the last hundred years,
21:32when you think of it. Yes.
21:37Men on the moon, eh? Yes.
21:41I was up there myself last week.
21:43Yes.
21:45What?
21:47Shocking, you know. Property prices up there now.
21:49Shocking?
21:51I'll tell you what.
21:53Three-bedroom semi-detached I bought four years ago.
21:5730,000 lunar dollars.
21:5930,000?
22:01Well, you can't buy a crater for that up there now.
22:04It's something to do with the cost of the special heavy bricks.
22:07Because of the gravity, you know.
22:09I don't understand it meself, to be honest with you.
22:12But...
22:18Mr Meldrew?
22:20Yes?
22:22Don't make any sudden moves.
22:25And you'll be fine.
22:27No sudden moves.
22:29Now then, Mr Brockelbank,
22:32if you'd just like to put down that razor for us...
22:35Almost finished with him.
22:37Yes.
22:39You certainly have.
22:42And you've done a splendid job, Mr Brockelbank.
22:45One of your best ever.
22:48But I think it's time you were getting along home now, don't you?
22:53Nurse, can we get that organised for him, please?
22:58I'll be back with you in just a few minutes, Mr Meldrew.
23:08I couldn't find the coffee machine.
23:10They seem to have moved it.
23:12The doctor said it's what he reckoned.
23:14There's nothing wrong, it's just stress.
23:16They're going to get an ambulance to take us home in a minute.
23:21That was a close shave, wasn't it?
23:30Another five minutes, they reckon, Victor, and then we'll be off.
23:35How is it now? Still jippy?
23:37Jippy?
23:39I've had a gutful this week, Margaret, a gutful.
23:43This soup tasted like the stuff you spray on plants to make the leaves shine.
23:47Good evening.
23:49Hello.
23:50Good evening to you.
23:52Will you be getting along to vote on Thursday at all? I hope so.
23:55And are you going to vote for me?
23:57Jolly good, that's what I like to hear, your sensible lady.
24:01You know that the National Health Service is safe in our hands.
24:04Nice to talk to you.
24:06Good evening to you, sir, Gerald Linklater.
24:09Can I ask, are you planning to vote on Thursday?
24:11I shall, yes.
24:12Goody good.
24:13I shall be voting for the monster-raving Loony Party.
24:17I find their political platform the most sensible of all the major parties.
24:21That's a shame, sir, that you should waste your vote like that
24:24on the, if I may say, crackpot element in this campaign.
24:27Yes, you're quite right.
24:28We should all be locked up, shouldn't we?
24:30Put away in homes to get their heads examined.
24:32Fortunately, there's plenty of room because all those that really need help
24:35are chucked out into the street to live in tea chests.
24:37Call this a health service?
24:39Do you know how long I had to wait yesterday for a simple eye test?
24:43Thank you very much.
24:44Thanks to you closing all the nurseries every five minutes,
24:46I was brutally beaten up in my own living room this morning by two five-year-olds.
24:50Doctors say I may never play the comb and paper again.
24:53It's been an absolute joy chatting to you, sir.
24:55If you ask me if I'm going to vote for you,
24:57I'd sooner stick my head in a pan of boiling chip fat.
25:02Ah, it seems my taxi's arrived, so I'll bid you good day.
25:06To the dark side of the moon, my good man, and quickly, too.
25:10Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are cold, glens, glens, glens,
25:25glens, glens, glens, glens, glens...
25:56Perhaps you should just have an early night tonight.
25:59You'll feel better in the morning.
26:02Yes, I expect I will.
26:05Good night, then.
26:10Oh, if you should hear any sudden screams,
26:13it's just me smacking on some aftershave.
26:25Ah, yes.