Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Unique people are the luckiest people in the world.
00:11Da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:16Good morning.
00:17Goodbye.
00:19Da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:25Da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:33Da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:40Dustman, still haven't been?
00:42I think so, yes. I think I've digested all the fascinating details of a day in the life of Acker Bilk.
00:57And a room of my own by Ken Russell. Wouldn't have thought there was much to say about a padded cell.
01:03I thought we'd just have a sandwich when I get back. Assuming it's a big dinner tonight, we don't want to spoil our appetite.
01:08Oh, you won't forget to ring for the taxi, will you? The number's here, on top of the telephone.
01:18Oh, God. You're not back at this madness again.
01:25I thought we agreed to get him a new one, not put one together from old bits like Frankenstein's monster.
01:32How can we give my nephew this moth-eaten rubbish for a christening present?
01:36I told you, I've rung that big store next to B&Q and they're going to send us a catalogue.
01:41I'm not forking out an arm and a leg for a simple child's toy when I can make my own.
01:46It'll look fine when it's finished. Just trust me.
01:52You've never had the slightest aptitude for this sort of thing as long as I've known you.
01:57Tried to mend a Wendy house from the inside once. What happened?
02:01You got stuck fast and had to crawl around with it on your back like a giant turtle.
02:06Do you have to do that at the meal table, for goodness sake?
02:11I've got to take its squeaker out.
02:14Well, do it outside where it won't make a mess. Look, I've got to go. I'll be back about twelve.
02:21Right.
02:33What time is it now?
02:34About thirty seconds after the last time you asked me.
02:37Stop getting so agitated. They won't be here for another three hours.
02:41Just pray to God they're interested this time.
02:44You know what's putting everyone off, don't you?
02:47I mean, who in their right mind would want to buy a house next door to him?
02:50Sooner share a cell with Charles Manson.
02:53Sooner share a cell with Charles Manson sometimes.
02:57Oh, dear God spare us all. Is it a new one?
03:01What is it?
03:02You've got a teddy bear clumped in a blackened deck of workmate,
03:06and you're gouging its eyes out with a potato peeler.
03:10It might be the time you tried to toilet-train that ventriloquist dummy.
03:15Scribbling dead flies on his palm flakes each morning.
03:18He's carrying out a caesarean section on it now with a Stanley knife.
03:29Perhaps we drop the price by another five thousand.
03:33Another letter from the solicitor here.
03:36Right Uncle Rodney's willed by the look of it.
03:42What do you think?
03:44What do I think?
03:46I think I feel sick.
03:49Sorry?
03:51That's not a teddy bear.
03:54That's the abominable Dr. Fibes in a fur coat.
03:58It's like the hideous product of a diseased mind.
04:03Poor child goes to bed with that at night.
04:07He'll have nightmares for the rest of his life.
04:10I think I need a hot cup of tea to steady my nerves.
04:17I put a lot of work into that.
04:19I thought I'd made rather a good job of it.
04:21Well, you can just make a good job of taking it out to the dustbin
04:24and pray that nobody with a weak heart lifts the lintel.
04:29Oh, that'll be Mr. Swainey.
04:32He said he might call round.
04:35Are we still using his mother's carrot cake as a door wedge?
04:38Oh, yes. Hang on.
04:47Morning, Mr. Swainey.
04:49Morning, Mrs. Malsgraven.
04:51Can I have a cup of tea?
04:52Well, I can't stop, I'm afraid.
04:54I've got to visit old Mr. Blackaby at the Sycamore's nursing home.
04:57Oh, dear. He hasn't been in the wars again.
05:00Yes, he's the only one left there alive now, poor old soul.
05:03The Rudolph Hess of geriatric care.
05:06Only, he's just been rehearsing for the over-80s production of Sweeney Todd,
05:10The Demon Barber.
05:12And, well, you'd be surprised what sticklers they are for realism.
05:15Fortunately, the blood transfusions seem to have done the trick now
05:18and he's off the danger list so that...
05:20Oh, morning, Mr. Malsgraven.
05:22How's the world treating you?
05:24Not too bad, thank you. How are you?
05:26You have a nice time in North Africa?
05:28Lovely, thanks. Lots of sunshine.
05:30Oh, I brought you back a dead scorpion.
05:39Yes, I thought it was something you'd appreciate.
05:42What with your collection of spiders in the airing cupboard and everything.
05:45Collection of spiders?
05:47Didn't you tell me once...
05:49I don't think that was so much a collection as a plague, actually.
05:50Oh, well, a bit of a novelty anyway, isn't it?
05:54According to the local superstition,
05:56it's supposed to be extremely unlucky.
05:59Supposed to bring down a horrible curse
06:02of evil misfortune and pestilence on whoever owns it.
06:06Did you believe such nonsense?
06:11Yes, thank you very much.
06:13You're very welcome.
06:15Anyway, better dash and...
06:17Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
06:18Looks as if it's started working already.
06:21All right, well, bye then.
06:24And I may pop by later with some of Mother's drop scones.
06:27Oh, good. We can build a rockery.
06:38Oh, you've kept it very nice, haven't they?
06:42And I really love the conservatory.
06:45Don't you go wandering off, Justin?
06:49Oh, what are the neighbours like, by the way?
06:51I mean, are they all right with young children?
06:54Oh, what?
06:56Well, I mean, he's a positive Father Christmas, isn't he, darling?
07:01Yeah, a real jolly old soul, you know the sort.
07:05No, they all get on like a house on fire.
07:19It's definitely the best that we've seen so far, isn't it?
07:23By a long...
07:25Justin!
07:27Oh, my God!
07:35Oh, my God!
07:37Oh, my God!
07:39Oh, my God!
07:41Oh, my God!
07:43Oh, my God!
07:45Oh, my God!
07:46Oh, my God!
07:50Oh, come on. Wave goodbye to your 60,000 quid.
08:17Oh, dear.
08:19Still engaged.
08:22It's unusual for that taxi firm to let us down.
08:26You're sure you said six o'clock and not seven?
08:29Oh, what's happened? That drippy girl's ridden the down wrong.
08:33She must be more concerned about what colour car I wanted than the time.
08:38Lucky forget they're in time for Christmas.
08:40She must be more concerned about what colour car I wanted than the time.
08:45Lucky forget they're in time for the cheese and biscuits now.
08:56Good evening, Mrs Meldrew.
08:59Oh, hello, Mrs Skimson. I'd forgotten you were coming tonight.
09:02Victor, can you get the football pool's money? It's by the letter app.
09:05So, how are you?
09:07Well, just on our way out, actually.
09:08Looks all set to bucket down out there.
09:11Going out tonight, are you?
09:13Where is that? Somewhere nice, is it?
09:15We're going out to the Chequers in Ednux.
09:17Somewhere nearby, is that, on a Saturday?
09:24And there's your coupons for next week.
09:26So, what is it?
09:28Is it a special do, or what?
09:31It's my old firm they're having their annual...
09:33You're driving yourself there on a taxi?
09:36No, we're going by a team of elephants via the Himalayas.
09:39You know, just to...
09:41Only if you're drinking.
09:43You'd be much better off taking a cab,
09:45and then you can enjoy yourself, can't you?
09:47Without the worry.
09:49So, see you same time next week, then.
09:51Goodbye. Have a good time, both of you.
09:54Bye, Mrs Skimson.
09:56Cheerio.
10:06Phew!
10:10That taxi firm you rang this morning,
10:13quite helpful, were they?
10:15About as helpful as anyone is these days. Why?
10:18Just that when you rang and asked them to send you a car,
10:21they asked you what colour you'd like.
10:23Yes. God knows what they were...
10:25They didn't say anything about the size of the vehicle.
10:28No? Why?
10:36What the hell's this?
10:39This is your idea of a minicab, is it?
10:44It was on the doorstep.
10:48Well, what are we waiting for?
10:51Why don't we both jump in and go?
10:56A to B taxis, Victor, for God's sake!
11:00It was printed plainly enough on the front.
11:02On the other side was where I jotted down
11:03the number of that toy store next to B and Q.
11:07You must have realised that they were talking about it.
11:12I give up.
11:14I just give up.
11:17I don't believe it.
11:22Still, in a world of faulty workmanship,
11:25it's nice to know that this is working properly.
11:28The curse of the Scorpion.
11:30Don't be ridiculous. You don't believe that?
11:31They're a superstitious total surely to goodness.
11:58So, what have they got to say about our minibus?
12:01Oh, Rodney's well. Anything worth having?
12:04Nope.
12:06What's that long list then?
12:08Just a load of junk he left.
12:11Says if I want to pick anything out, I can.
12:13Otherwise they'll auction it all off and send me the money.
12:16There must be something there, surely.
12:20One willow-patterned chamber pot.
12:23Chipped.
12:25One pair of false teeth. Cracked.
12:28One lace antimacassar. Ripped.
12:31One pair of hush puppies. Scuffed.
12:34One stainless steel milk churn. Stained.
12:39One souvenir from Stilton chess board.
12:42Or is it cheese board?
12:44That's a misprint. Warped.
12:47One china basin. Broken.
12:49One plastic fried egg. Perfect condition.
12:54Fourteen chickens, three ducks and a cockerel.
12:57Real or plastic?
12:59Real.
13:01Kept them in that big field out the back.
13:04One man's bathing costume. Right sleeve. Missing.
13:09One signed copy of the Harold Hare Annual, 1954.
13:13Signed by who?
13:15Doesn't say.
13:17One cot. Back leg slightly damaged.
13:20One porcelain rhinoceros. Chipped.
13:23Oh, that might be worth having.
13:25What, a porcelain rhinoceros?
13:28A cot.
13:30I remember seeing that in their nursery when I was a child.
13:34Lovely big Victorian thing with carved rose buds and birds down the side.
13:40It was beautiful.
13:42They'd love that.
13:44Who would?
13:46Andy and Janet. For the christening. It'd be right up their street.
13:49Where were we?
13:51Lot 362.
13:53One cot. Back leg slightly damaged.
13:57Well, he probably only needs a couple of nails.
14:00Even you should be able to manage that.
14:02Yes. I'll get on to that first thing in the morning.
14:05Have you set the alarm for half past one?
14:08Yes.
14:10To empty the bucket?
14:12Yes.
14:14So much for the new tiles he was supposed to put up.
14:16Don't worry, I'll get on to that first thing in the morning.
14:18Well, see that you do.
14:20I will.
14:35Well, any joy?
14:37Yes, I think it's safe to say I've had a very good day, old toad.
14:41In the morning I turned some water into wine,
14:44then I healed a few lepers,
14:46and after lunch I popped over and partied the waters of the Red Sea.
14:49Did the man come about the roof?
14:51No, but you can't expect miracles.
14:54You waited in for him all day?
14:56Yes, just a nine and a half hours.
14:58Fortunately, I didn't have a chance to get bored,
15:01because for seven of those hours
15:03there was two men in torn vests outside
15:05scraping shovels across the pavement.
15:07I believe it's a new concept in street theatre.
15:10Well, I could play you some excerpts if you'd like.
15:13I thought we'd start off with this one.
15:15Symphony for Shovels in A minor.
15:16Symphony for Shovels in A minor.
15:23Isn't it lovely?
15:25I could listen to it for hours.
15:27Rather fortunate, really,
15:29because that's how long it lasted for.
15:31You actually stuck microphones out of the window
15:35and recorded that?
15:37Yes, and I'll tell you another thing as well.
15:39I don't like the way that Mrs. Tebbing's TV aerial
15:41keeps grinning at me.
15:43It's what?
15:44You look up there on a chimney.
15:46It's like a huge face
15:48with a big silly grin across it
15:50gazing right down at us, see?
15:52Someone up there's laughing at us,
15:54that's what that is.
15:56Laughing and mocking us
15:58over the great big tactical joke called life.
16:00Your imagination.
16:02I can't see anything except a TV aerial
16:04on top of somebody's chimney.
16:06Will you for God's sake
16:08turn that thing off?
16:10It's driving me round the bloody bend.
16:15I am giving this
16:17straight to the scouts
16:19for their jumble tonight.
16:21Gives me the creeps.
16:23Take my coat upstairs
16:25while I put the potatoes on.
16:27PHONE RINGS
16:434291
16:45Mr Meldrew?
16:47Speaking.
16:49Oh, good evening.
16:51You don't know me, my name's Jack.
16:53I'm one of the people
16:54who are going to help you.
16:57I beg your pardon?
16:59I was wondering if you could
17:01just help us on a couple of points.
17:03You remember we half-inched
17:05a video of yours
17:07with one of those
17:09slightly torchy long play models?
17:11It's very good, don't get me wrong.
17:13Records great,
17:15smashing picture and everything.
17:17Only we're having a bit of trouble
17:19working out the 14 day timer.
17:21I wondered if you still
17:22had the hand at all.
17:24Still got the man, you dick!
17:26Yeah, we can't make head or tail
17:28of it this end.
17:30As you can appreciate,
17:32we're out most nights
17:34breaking and entering.
17:36And we don't like to mess home and away.
17:38Don't like to mess home and away?
17:40What the bloody hell do you think I am?
17:42You steal my...
17:44How are you getting on
17:46with our three-piece suite, alright?
17:48Send the cushion covers over
17:50or I'll put them through the wash for you.
17:52Hello?
17:54Hello?
18:02You colours-coded,
18:04hearted, thieving bastards!
18:06I'll give you a couple of points.
18:08I'll have you straight up to this point
18:10when I see you,
18:12I'll bloody well tear your liver out
18:14and feed it to the cat,
18:16you see if I don't!
18:18Ah, good evening,
18:20Mr and Mrs Tilsley.
18:22I'm sorry,
18:24I think we've got the wrong address.
18:34And from what I heard,
18:36the hospital fitted him
18:38with a completely new one.
18:40And now he can play snooker with it.
18:46Sorry?
18:48Oh, no!
18:50We got rid of that last week,
18:52I gave it to the scouts for their jumble.
18:54And since then,
18:56touch wood,
18:58we haven't had any bad luck of any kind whatsoever.
19:00Quite the reverse, in fact.
19:02We had a note through the door this morning
19:04saying we'd won third prize
19:06in the Women's Bright Hour Monthly Lottery.
19:08Yes, Victor's popped round there now
19:10to pick it up.
19:12Yes, I hope so.
19:14Right, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mum.
19:16OK, bye-bye.
19:22What was it?
19:24Anything nice?
19:29You're joking!
19:31I swear that grin
19:33and Mrs Tebbing's TV area
19:35got bigger when they saw me coming back.
19:37Now we know where they get
19:39their crappy lottery prizes from.
19:41The bloody thing's bewitched!
19:43Well, do anything,
19:45but just get rid of it
19:47before we have any more bad luck!
19:53What is it?
19:57What is it?
20:00You're too late.
20:01Couldn't get a reply round the front
20:03so thought it's safest to leave here.
20:05Hope that's OK.
20:07I was in the bath.
20:09I'll be back.
20:11I'll be back.
20:13I'll be back.
20:15I'll be back.
20:17I'll be back.
20:19I'll be back.
20:21I'll be back.
20:23I'll be back.
20:25I'll be back.
20:27I'll be back.
20:29I'll be back.
20:31I thought it was those Jehovah's Witnesses
20:33come back again.
20:42Dear Mrs Medleroo,
20:45thank you for your letter
20:47requesting lot 362.
20:49Dispatch of which we are now authorizing.
20:51We will notify you of the proceeds
20:53of the remainder of the estate
20:55in due course.
20:57I didn't imagine it.
20:59It said cot.
21:01You saw the list as well.
21:03One cot.
21:05Back leg slightly damaged.
21:08Brilliant.
21:10Absolutely brilliant.
21:15I wonder what China Basin was a misprint for?
21:17Chinese bison?
21:20I think this puts my little blunder
21:22with a taxi into perspective,
21:24wouldn't you say?
21:26I mean, it only takes a bit of common sense.
21:29What do they think we want this bloody cow for
21:31in the first place?
21:33Start up our own dairy in the potting shed?
21:36We can't keep it here.
21:38Of course not.
21:41I'll just slip it into the freezer
21:43with the beef burgers.
21:46You stay here and keep her talking.
21:48Richard, you're not going to leave me with it?
21:50Victor?
21:52Victor?
21:59Evening, Mr Meldrew.
22:01You left your front door open.
22:03You want to be careful of that.
22:05You know, there's a lot of nasty people
22:07about these days.
22:09So, how's everything with you this week?
22:11All right?
22:13No, we've got a car in the back garden,
22:15Mrs Skimsy, which I'm sure you'll appreciate
22:17is not all right by any stretch of the imagination.
22:19I'll help myself, shall I?
22:21Four pounds twenty.
22:23That's lovely.
22:25And there's your ones for next week.
22:26Oh!
22:28That's nice.
22:30Never seen anything like that before.
22:32It's very unusual.
22:34Right, you can have it.
22:36It's yours.
22:38Oh, are you sure, Mr Meldrew?
22:40What is it?
22:42Some kind of paperweight, is it?
22:44It's very heavy.
22:46No, it's an evil talisman, actually,
22:48that brings a curse of bad luck
22:50and horrid misfortune to anyone who owns it, actually.
22:52I might give it to my son.
22:54He loves anything like that.
22:56Goodbye, Mr Meldrew.
22:58Goodbye, Mrs Skimson.
23:00May God have mercy on your soul.
23:03Hello!
23:05Is that Danzig a prossering kemp?
23:26No.
23:50No.
23:52I mean, if you think of some of the rabbit hutches we've seen,
23:54it's very spacious.
23:56It's a real sun trap in the summer, isn't it?
23:58Mm, certainly is, yeah.
24:00And the outlook, well, we've always really loved it.
24:02And you've got the curtains in here,
24:04as well as upstairs,
24:06which are only about a year old, aren't they?
24:20You've got the mad cow in this.
24:27Oh.
24:46What happened?
24:48Is it Mrs Skimson? What happened?
24:50A mugger, apparently.
24:52A young bloke with a flick knife
24:54just leapt out in front of her in the alley.
24:57Oh, God!
25:00She'd only just been round his house,
25:02not long before...
25:05I gave her that scorpion.
25:08I know.
25:10That's luck for you.
25:12Oh, yes.
25:14God knows what she'd have done without it.
25:16Hey, Mrs Skimson?
25:21It was the first thing that came to hand.
25:24I didn't even think about it.
25:26I just flashed out.
25:28And roll up.
25:30I'm afraid I caught him hard on the right temple,
25:33and he went out like a light.
25:35Pow!
25:37Deadly weapon, this, Mr Mildrew,
25:39in the wrong hands.
25:42Right.
25:46Makes you wonder.
25:48Must be someone up there looking after us.
25:50Do you reckon, Mr Mildrew?
25:52Yes.
25:53Yes.
26:00Well, some of us.