One Foot In The Grave S03 E06 - The Worst Horror of All
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Short filmTranscript
00:00What's this?
00:18More paraphernalia?
00:19Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents.
00:25Some survey or other.
00:26I thought I'd fill it in while we're waiting for the x-ray.
00:29Give a brief description of how the accident occurred.
00:35A garden shed fell on him.
00:39I've put rotting timbers collapsed on head while dismantling old outhouse in rear garden.
00:46Was the accident unavoidable or due to the patient's carelessness?
00:52Carelessness.
00:54Put stupidity.
00:56That was asking for trouble in anyone's book.
00:59And screwing all the nails in a building before you've taken the roof off.
01:03We don't know that's what happened.
01:07All Mrs. Paisley heard was a loud crash as she was clipping her cockle.
01:11And when she rushed round, there he was lying semi-conscious under a pile of rubble.
01:17Before that red paint spilled down his trousers, naturally she thought the injuries were more horrific than they were.
01:24Still turns my stomach over to think about it.
01:28Imagine finding someone with a piece of broken glass between his legs and thinking that it...
01:36Cut off his...
01:39And you think even the ambulance men would have checked first before taking her word for it?
01:45Rushing that lump of mouldy carrot to hospital in a specialised box?
01:53Well, I suppose it's a mistake any of us could have made.
01:59Yes.
02:01I don't think they were any too experienced, Jean.
02:05God knows what was in that painkilling injection they gave him.
02:10He was laughing at a pencil a few minutes ago.
02:14How are you feeling now, Mr. Meldrew?
02:17All right?
02:19I'm tickety-boo and a half, Mrs. Evans.
02:23How are you today, my little sweetheart?
02:28Yes, well, I think I'd better be getting back.
02:33Don't like to leave Cousin Wolf there on his own for too long.
02:37Not so soon after his operation.
02:40How is he? Still a bit nosy?
02:42Yes, a bit vague and forgetful.
02:45Is he still coming with us on our outing tomorrow evening?
02:48I meant to tell you, we've had a few more cancellations.
02:52Seems there won't be the full 55 of us going now after all.
02:56Oh, dear. How many is it now, then?
02:58Four.
03:00Well, Chris can't get back in time
03:03and Mr. and Mrs. Burkett have got a crossword to finish
03:06and you know how people are.
03:09Anyway, I'll give you a ring tomorrow. Bye, Margaret.
03:12Bye, Jean. Thanks for the lift.
03:14Sorry it was a bit bumpy.
03:16I'm not used to driving Chris's car.
03:19Bye, Mr. Meldrew.
03:21Let's spend the night together.
03:24Now I need to go down and have...
03:29...another pastry!
03:44Quack, quack!
04:14Quack, quack!
04:44Quack, quack!
04:57Back!
05:03Sorry I'm late. Had to run a friend up the hospital.
05:07Is everything all right here?
05:09What's been going on?
05:11You haven't been having trouble with my TV aerial or anything, have you?
05:14TV aerial? No. What on earth makes you say that?
05:17Oh, it's just that when I came round the bend
05:20I thought I heard Mrs. Eldridge shout out something about a man on my roof.
05:26No, no, it was fine while I was watching EastEnders.
05:30It can, she probably said.
05:32Another one of those squashed bud visors.
05:34Ah, yes, that must be it. I'll fish it down in the morning.
06:11I suppose I'll keep it out for one minute, but still.
06:14Keep what out?
06:16The busted mattress.
06:17What busted mattress?
06:19The busted mattress someone always dumps in your skip whenever you leave one outside your door.
06:25It's a universal law of nature.
06:27Just as a cuckoo always lays its eggs in another bird's nest
06:30so some bastard always comes along
06:33and dumps a busted mattress in your rubbish skip.
06:37Bloody shader should never have tampered with it.
06:40Should just have left it as it was.
06:43Blood and paint in every orifice known to man.
06:48Talk about undignified, having to lie there while two student nurses
06:52sponge your genitals with turps.
06:57One more joke about rubbing me up the wrong way they'd have been reporting to the
07:01to the casualty department, I can tell you that.
07:04Oh, my leg's itching like mad now. Why's that?
07:08Looks like insect bites, for God's sake.
07:11That was sitting with Mrs. Lacey's cat on your lap all yesterday afternoon.
07:15I told you to put her down, she'd got fleas, but no, you wouldn't have it.
07:19You know how they've always regarded your feet as a special delicacy.
07:23They'll be sucking away on those ankles of yours tonight in bed now
07:26like a midnight feast in the dormitory.
07:29And don't scratch and make it bleed
07:32and then they'll all be coming back for second helpings.
07:35Bloody things. We'll have to get some of that spray at the pet shop tomorrow.
07:47You're still thrilled to bits about that, aren't you?
07:51Just like to keep checking, make sure I didn't imagine it.
07:5527 years since I was last sent a letter offering me a full-time job.
08:00Just choose. You should never give up hope.
08:04Yes, Monday morning I'll be back at last, back in the land of the living.
08:10And you'll start to see the world as a friendlier place again then?
08:14You'll see. It's just a matter of getting back your self-confidence.
08:20Oh, my God.
08:22What is it?
08:23Quick, turn all the lights out.
08:25What's the matter?
08:27It's Ronnie and Mildred.
08:29Oh, my God.
08:34Oh, my God.
08:36I've just seen their car coming round the corner.
08:44Oh, please, God, save us from a visit from Ronnie and Mildred with their tin of assorted biscuits.
08:50I was hoping they were both dead.
08:53Why do they always call on us when they're down here like the plague of the zombies?
08:57Don't keep moving about. Their car's just pulled up.
09:00Where's that letter rack?
09:02What are you doing?
09:03Well, if they look through the box and see a lot of letters lying about,
09:06maybe they'll think we're on holiday.
09:11For God's sake.
09:12Take it down. Do you want to give us away?
09:27Hello?
09:29Anyone at home?
09:31It's Ronnie and Mildred.
09:45Bugger off.
09:47Go back to Fitzley Bay, the pair of you.
09:55Oh, no.
09:57What is it?
09:58Mildred's going round the back.
10:00I think I left the bathroom light on.
10:02Oh, my God, that's it. They've got us in a pincer movement.
10:07Finished. They'll be here till 3 o'clock in the morning showing us pictures of their loft conversion.
10:12Right. I'm going to go for it.
10:14Are you mad? You'll never make it.
10:16I've got about ten seconds. It's now or never.
10:18Right. Good luck.
10:20I'm going to sleep in your office.
10:22Hello, wakey-wakey.
10:50I don't like it. It's too quiet.
10:56Will you stop standing there like Michael Caine in Zulu and come to bed?
11:02Supposing they come back in the morning? We were at least expecting it.
11:05They never strike during the hours of daylight, as you well know,
11:09and we'll be out tomorrow evening with Jean at the BBC.
11:14Yes.
11:15Yes.
11:17I suspect she's booked us into another real side-splitter, has she?
11:21Like the last show I went up there to see, it was supposed to be a glittery evening at Television Centre
11:25and the most exciting moment was urinating next to Peter Sissons.
11:32That witch-hazel hasn't done any good.
11:37No-one's forcing you to go.
11:40You can always stay here and wait for Ronnie and Mildred to come back.
11:45Yes.
11:52Yes.
11:54What time are they to be up there?
12:00Sorry, Jean?
12:02Oh, not bad this morning.
12:08In a bit of a trance at the moment.
12:10In the last 15 hours,
12:13we've had happy, sleepy, grumpy,
12:18and dopey.
12:20We only needed our three to the set.
12:23Anyway,
12:24are we all set for tonight, the four of us? What time would you like us to pick you up?
12:28Oh, well, that's what I'm floating about, actually.
12:31I'm afraid it's going to have to be a threesome now.
12:35You don't mind taking Wilfred?
12:37I don't mind taking Wilfred.
12:39Only, um,
12:40well, my goddaughter's lost her babysitter
12:43due to the extradition papers coming through.
12:46And, well, you see, it's their anniversary
12:49and they can't get anyone else at such short notice.
12:53So, I'm sorry to be a bit of a party pooper and everything, but...
12:58Oh, that's all right, Jean. Don't worry about it.
13:00No, we'll be fine.
13:02Okey-doke. Bye.
13:04What's the matter now?
13:05The BBC burned down?
13:07That's the bad news.
13:10Look at that.
13:12Those things are in my wrist now.
13:14This must still be on me somewhere.
13:16She can't come now.
13:17She's got to babysit for her goddaughter.
13:19Are you sure we don't have some of that insect repellent left?
13:23Sure I saw some somewhere only the other day.
13:37I don't believe it!
13:59I do not believe it!
14:02What the bloody hell do people think this is?
14:04A drive-in scrapyard?
14:06I paid for this skipper's for my rubbish and nobody else's.
14:11What am I supposed to do with this?
14:12Melt it down for baker foil?
14:16Didn't I say that this would happen?
14:17How did it get here?
14:18Did someone just dump this?
14:23Well, unless a very large jackdaw was carrying it back to its nest and dropped it,
14:28I should think that's a fairly safe assumption.
14:30Never ceases to amaze me the bloody-minded foolishness of some people.
14:41Look at this.
14:46Look at this!
14:52You bastards!
14:54You come back here again and I'll kill the lot of you!
14:57I'll kill the lot of you!
15:09There.
15:11You know, it's a bit sombre, Wolf.
15:13Why don't you go and pick out one of Chrissie's?
15:16Something a bit more cheerful for a night out.
15:19Yes, maybe you're right.
15:20Oh, I'd better get my skates on.
15:23See you later, then.
15:24Yes, fine, Jean.
15:25Have a really lovely time, won't you?
15:27Take care.
15:43Excuse me.
15:46I'm sorry about all this upset and all our plans and everything.
15:51He's nearly ready.
15:53Now...
15:54Oh, there are the tickets.
15:57And I'll give you the front door key just to be safe, what with his memory and everything.
16:02All right.
16:03I think that's everything.
16:04That'll be great, Jean. Off you go.
16:06You'll be fine.
16:07Have a really lovely time, won't you?
16:09Oh, and if I don't see you later tonight, Mr Meldrew, best of luck for the new job tomorrow.
16:15Thank you, Mrs Wellboys.
16:17Thank you, Margaret. Bye.
16:23Like mother, like son.
16:27A brand new comedy about a young woman's hilarious struggle to bring up two rebellious teenage boys.
16:36Do you remember to bring the crossword book?
16:38Oh, don't be such a misery.
16:40Try and be a bit more cheerful.
16:42No!
16:44How are you?
16:47I'm Margaret, and this is Victor.
16:50It's very nice to meet you.
16:52Margaret? Victor?
16:54That's right.
16:55Who am I?
16:59Sorry?
17:00No, I'm sorry.
17:01I'm sorry.
17:02You see, I think...
17:03Well, I was in the garage and my mind seems to be a blank.
17:06I'm sorry about this.
17:08I just...
17:09You're Wilfred, remember?
17:12You're Jean's cousin, Wilf.
17:14And you're staying with her for a few days while you get better.
17:18Why don't you back the car into the drive for him?
17:22You've been in hospital for quite a while.
17:28Hospital?
17:29And it's left you a bit forgetful.
17:31Hospital?
17:32Yes, that rings a bell.
17:34You had a big operation.
17:36Oh, you'll soon be back on your feet again.
17:40There we are.
17:42There.
17:43Here's your jacket.
17:45Oh, thank you.
17:47There now.
17:48Have you got everything else you might need?
17:50I think so.
17:51Where are we going?
17:52Oh, we're going to take you to a television show at the BBC.
17:55Very nice.
17:56That's it.
17:58There we are.
18:05Right.
18:07I'm ready.
18:21All those with tickets for Generation Game, please step up to the left.
18:40All those with tickets for Generation Game, please step up to the left.
18:45How are you feeling now, Wilf?
18:52All right?
18:53I feel a bit groggy, I'm afraid.
18:56I'm sorry I slept most of the way here.
18:58I just couldn't keep awake.
19:00And it will be long car journeys.
19:02You'll soon pick up once we get inside.
19:06And that's vital because it's the warmth and atmosphere that you generate here in the studio
19:19that makes all the difference to all the boys and girls in front of and behind the camera
19:23and gives the show a real lift.
19:25Now, I know we're a little bit understaffed this evening, but I know we're all going to do our best.
19:31And don't be afraid to laugh as loud as you like.
19:34And I'm sure we're all going to have a really super-sweet evening.
19:48The most hilarious thing I've ever seen in all my life.
19:51A real whip tickler from start to finish.
19:54I hope you saw much of it.
19:56I spent most of the evening building in your crossword.
19:59I've never been so embarrassed.
20:01A warm old man asked if anyone had any questions they wanted to ask.
20:04And you said, how many peas in hippopotamus?
20:12Look, can we just stop bickering about it all and get back to the car?
20:15You know I didn't want to be late back tonight.
20:17I've got to be at work in the morning, remember? Half past eight and the dot.
20:21Clearly in no fit state to come out again yet a while.
20:25I don't know what Gene was thinking about.
20:27Doesn't it like her?
20:29They send someone out for the evening when they're barely conscious.
20:32Yes, fortunately in that studio no-one notices the difference.
20:50Lift your head up, Victor.
20:52Carefully. You're dragging his head on the floor.
20:58Take it in. I can't keep up.
21:06There we are. Well, all home, safe and sound.
21:11I expect Gene will be back soon and she'll...
21:20Er, I don't think we've met, have we?
21:24Are you Victor and Margaret?
21:26Yes.
21:27I'm Gene's cousin, Wilfred.
21:56Hello.
22:26Oh, um...
22:57Excuse me.
23:00Oh, sorry.
23:05Are you new?
23:06Yes, my first morning, actually.
23:09Looks as if you want to back up your ideas a touch, doesn't it?
23:13Yes. Sorry, I...
23:17OK, can you go on?
23:32Did you hear me?
23:36I'm sorry?
23:37I didn't hear you.
23:39I didn't hear you.
23:41I didn't hear you.
23:43I didn't hear you.
23:45I'm sorry?
23:46Are you awake this morning?
23:48I said there's a fur coat in the bag.
23:52Oh, yes. So there is.
23:58It's wet, darling. Are you sure we've come to the right hotel?
24:01The coat, please, doorman.
24:04Oh, yes. Sorry.
24:09Mind what you're doing with it, man.
24:11It's not some rag from Marks and Spencer's.
24:14Have you any idea how much this costs?
24:16I shouldn't think so for a moment.
24:18If you're serious about wanting to work here, child,
24:21you're going to have to revise your attitude to the job.
24:24That's a tip from me.
24:26The people who come here expect to be treated with a certain deference and respect.
24:32Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do.
24:35Do you understand what I'm saying?
24:39Yes, right.
24:41I do understand what you're saying and I'm very sorry.
24:44I should think so.
24:46Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain.
24:50What the...?
24:53I'm very sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle yet.
24:57It must be very complicated for you with your limited brainpower.
25:00Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out.
25:03Because if you hadn't chopped all his legs off in the first place,
25:06he could have climbed out on his own, but there we are.
25:08Now, if you ask me if I want to go on working here,
25:11well, if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day,
25:15then I think I'd rather remain unemployed. Thank you very much.
25:17You crabby old cretin. I'm going to rain your...
25:19What is it?
25:21I just saw something hopping about in the fur.
25:25Oh, my God, I feel sick.
25:27And there's another one.
25:29It's a flea.
25:31Yes, they make charming pets.
25:33You'll find you grow so attached to them.
25:35And, of course, vice versa.
25:37I used to love a night tea with a vice.
25:50Unbelievable.
25:52Treated like something that's crawled out of the bottom of a pond.
25:55Well, they can stick the bloody thing.
25:5872 hours of non-stop madness, misery and mayhem beyond all relief.
26:04Oh.
26:06At least we've escaped from the worst horror of all.
26:11Surprise, surprise!