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00:00Oh, pass it out for Christ's sake! Look at him, he's taking it for a bloody sightseeing
00:09tour of Milan now. Get rid of it, ma'am!
00:11Is that for goodness sake? Oh, give me a break. Why don't you just gif
00:17wrap the bloody ball and tie a ribbon on it for him?
00:19No, no, come in, come in. Jack, it's Mr. Meldruth from across the road, they just had
00:25a robbery. It's just there, love, help yourself. Isn't that terrible?
00:29Nero, dear, when was this, this morning? Just now. We'd both been out shopping, I mean,
00:34we'd only been gone an hour, we came back and the whole place has been absolutely...
00:37Hello, could I have the police, please? Uh-huh. You see, I told you they were burglars.
00:43That's 50p you owe me. Oh, you've got to be joking, I don't know
00:48why this referee isn't wearing an Italian shirt, I really don't.
00:50What do you mean? Sorry?
00:54What do you mean that's 50p she owes you? What do you mean totally they were burglars?
00:59Um, well, there were these four men earlier on, dressed a bit like the SAS.
01:05Doing what? Um, well, they were coming out of your front
01:08door carrying a three-piece suite. One of them winked at me and gave me the thumbs-up
01:13sign, so naturally I assumed they were removal men.
01:16Winked at you and gave you the thumbs-up sign? Removal men be buggered. I said to her, I
01:21bet they're stealing his furniture. Oh, no, you've been watching too many episodes
01:25of Crime Watch with all I've got. Oh, oh, this could be dangerous, this could be dangerous.
01:29Oh, well said, yes! You mean you watched them taking it out and
01:35all you did was say, I bet you they're burglars? They were ransacking my bloody house!
01:39They were nice ninepence to us, weren't they? I mean, didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet
01:44or anything. Yes, but you can't go by appearances, that's
01:48the way they get away with that sort of... What do you mean, didn't spill any crumbs
01:52on the carpet? They weren't in here, were they?
01:55They said it was very thirsty work, the one with the tattoo on his nose.
01:59Said he could murder him like a quick brew. Very thirsty work, I should think it bloody
02:04was. No, they were stripping my house to bits of broad daylight, as many as you please are
02:10used by them in for morning tea. What is this, Buster Edwards Private Catering Company?
02:15And two boxes of Mr Kipling's almond slices they wolfed back between the four of them.
02:20Talk about gannets, I wonder if they didn't eat the plates. I tell you this, I'm beginning
02:24to regret giving them that jumpstart for their van now.
02:27Oh, just save the woodwork! Bad luck, my son!
02:31Jumpstart? You're not serious? Well, the van wouldn't start, the battery
02:35was flat, I mean, we were only trying to be good Samaritans.
02:38Good Samaritans? Oh, hello, yes, I'd like to report a burglary, please.
02:43And two extremely brutal murders.
02:49You want to disinfect the place from top to bottom.
02:53Just have to leave it to those two detectives now, hope they manage to catch them.
02:57Detectives? When I opened it, I thought it was two schoolboys come to ask for their ball back.
03:01Well, they walked like a duck, I suppose you noticed that.
03:05Well, I grant you they were a bit young, but they were very methodical.
03:08Just because somebody walks like a duck doesn't mean he's not good at his job.
03:12I was interviewed by Titch and Quackers.
03:15And look at this, you can't tell me this is methodical.
03:18Dusting a cucumber for fingerprints.
03:21I thought it had milled you, look at it.
03:24I looked in the bathroom and saw one of them spraying their stuff in the lavatory seat.
03:28I mean, what's the idea behind that? Scotland Yard got everyone's buttocks in a pile now, haven't they?
03:34Yes, well now you know what it's like with you and your talcum powder.
03:38What's that supposed to mean? Lift the lid on that seat sometimes, you'd
03:41have spilt a sherbet dab.
03:44Anyway, can we just drop the whole thing now, please?
03:48I've just about had enough for one day.
03:51Oh, God!
03:54It's a wonder they managed to get through these doors to steal anything.
03:58Three weeks this carpet's been down, are we ever going to have these things shaved or not?
04:04Sorry?
04:07It's just about driving me up the bloody wall.
04:11On top of everything else.
04:13Well, we both agreed to wait for Chippy Joe to come back from holiday.
04:16There's no point in getting people in if they're going to charge an arm and a leg.
04:19They've left behind that bottle of dodgy Greek brandy.
04:22You want some?
04:24Suppose, yes.
04:26I've still got all the joys of reporting it to the insurance company yet.
04:30That'll be about as much fun as a kidney infection.
04:34Thanks.
04:42Yes, I'm enjoying this glass of glue.
04:48Oh, what a day.
04:54Oh, by the way, I've managed to get us out of Meg's wedding on Saturday.
04:58So you needn't shoot yourself in the foot to be excused attendance.
05:02You know what I'm like with weddings.
05:05It was bad enough at your nephew's last year when that organ exploded.
05:09Don't remind me.
05:11Then there was a father of the bride coming down the aisle with that unfortunate fungal infection.
05:16My mother turned round and thought it was a phantom of the opera.
05:21We were never going to get her to stop screaming.
05:25God, that bloody video cameraman they hired.
05:29Got us to pose under a tree and a bird's nest fell in my head.
05:35Stood there like Jesus of Nazareth.
05:39An egg yolk dribbling down my nose.
05:43I told her a white lie and said you'd been rushed to hospital for an emergency prostate operation.
05:50I had.
05:52We can still get her a present.
05:55She said she could do with a decent pair of salad tongs.
05:58Perhaps I'll see what I can find tomorrow.
06:06Couldn't believe that pair crossed the road today.
06:09Every time you go into their house, all they're doing is watching television.
06:14I know.
06:16It's amazing to think they saw some people's lies revolve around.
06:20A box in the corner of the room.
06:25You take it away and you wonder what they're trying to do.
06:28I knew.
06:39Ruth Rendell will be on now.
06:42Oh God, really?
06:45You see, that's exactly what I mean.
06:47Takes over your whole bloody life.
06:50You sit here gazing at all that tripe night after night.
06:55But from now on, we can do without it.
06:58What? You mean not get another one?
07:01She could have ridden the damn thing years ago.
07:03Give us more of a chance to get out.
07:05Do something more worthwhile with ourselves of an evening.
07:09Get out?
07:12Where?
07:25I don't believe it.
07:28Sorry?
07:30I thought it was when I was over there.
07:33You don't remember me, do you?
07:35Billy Whitney, 1B Stopsley Road, Secondary.
07:42My God, Billy Whitney!
07:46This must be the coincidence of all time.
07:49Fifty years!
07:51God, how are you?
07:53No, actually, you haven't changed.
07:55You haven't changed a bit.
07:58My God, Stopsley Road, eh?
08:01There were some characters there in those days, eh?
08:04Oh God, yes.
08:06Who was that bloke who kept putting his face in the tomato soup?
08:10Bit of a mummy's boy, always wore a bar of clover in the showers.
08:18Poxy Gaitskill.
08:19Gaskell.
08:20Gaskell, that's right. Poxy Gaskill.
08:22And that mad character with the trousers like a circus clown.
08:26Remember, everybody in assembly used to stick handkerchiefs in their mouths
08:30to stop themselves laughing.
08:32What was his name?
08:34Oh, God, dearie me.
08:36Meldrum, Victor Meldrum.
08:42Oh, God, he was a pillock, wasn't he, eh?
08:46There's a big drawing of him on the wall in the girls' toilet.
08:52I can see it to this day.
08:58Oh, yes, you'd remember him, Steve.
09:00Because a lot of people thought that...
09:02A lot of people thought that the two of you
09:04looked a bit similar at one time of day.
09:06Victor Meldrum, eh?
09:08Yeah, he was the right bastard, no, I think.
09:12Yeah, he was the right bastard, no, I think.
09:16Yes, well, actually, Billy, I think you...
09:19Why, Jess, I remember now.
09:21I gave him my hamster one year to look after while I was on holiday.
09:25I came home and found that his cat had eaten it.
09:29Well, I mean, that was bad enough, except he tried to palm it off as a suicide.
09:34Gave me some tale about it throwing itself off the sideboard
09:37into the path of a speeding marble.
09:41Said his mother must have been cross-bred with a lambing or something.
09:45Yeah, I've forgotten every word about it until now.
09:48Yes, well, I'm sure it was an accident.
09:54Strangers can't get away from each other.
09:57Meg, I didn't know this was your local.
10:00No, it's one of Billy's.
10:02I'm not sure if he's here yet.
10:04Oh, yes, there he is.
10:07Just been up to the hospital.
10:09Sorry?
10:10Vodka and tonic, please.
10:12How is he?
10:13Nasty things, prostitutes.
10:16My first husband had one.
10:18Said it was like trying to empty a hot water bottle
10:21with someone standing on the nozzle.
10:25Anyway, now you're here, you can come and say hello to my attendant.
10:29Or are you meeting someone else?
10:31No, no.
10:32I just fancied a quick one.
10:35Hello, love.
10:37Sorry I'm late. Buses again.
10:42This is Margaret from the florist.
10:44You remember I told you her husband was rushed to the hospital
10:47the other night with meaty plumbing?
10:52Nice to meet you, Margaret. How's he doing? All right?
10:55In absolute agony, I should think, isn't he?
10:58I would imagine so, yes.
11:01Oh, I'm sorry. This is an old mate of mine, Steve Posnett.
11:08This is Meg, my bride-to-be on Saturday.
11:11Hello, Steve.
11:12And this is Margaret, who works in the same shop.
11:15Pleased to meet you, Steve.
11:18Thank you. Nice to meet you.
11:23So you live near here, then, Margaret?
11:25I live at a bank.
11:27And what about you, Steve?
11:29Where do you live?
11:34Downhill.
11:38Up by the park. That's quite near us.
11:41Is it?
11:42Well, actually, I know this is going to sound silly
11:45and I should have said it before, but...
11:47Oh, Meg! Let me show you.
11:50Oh, Meg! Let me show you.
11:53Oh, Meg! Let me show you.
11:57What do you think of these?
11:59I bought them in that little shop here, just inside the mall.
12:03Oh, Margaret. They're lovely.
12:07Very elegant. Not too expensive, I hope.
12:10I'll wrap them up. Do it properly.
12:13Isn't that sweet? I told her we could do with a pair.
12:16Crock-a-jock, love. I'm sorry, Steve, you were about to say...
12:19Well, I know this is going to sound foolish, but...
12:22I know this is going to sound foolish, but...
12:31It's just...
12:38Would anyone like another drink at all?
12:42Thanks a lot, Ben. That's lovely.
12:44See you tomorrow at 8.30 sharp.
12:46Night, Margaret. Lovely to have met you.
12:48You too, Steve.
12:50Good night, Mr President.
12:52Good night.
12:54Actually, I just thought...
12:58I can get out here and walk the rest of the way.
13:01Are you mad? It's miles.
13:03It's about to fuck it down any minute.
13:05It'll be all right after the road.
13:08Yes.
13:13Thanks.
13:15Bye.
13:20I'm so sorry for that woman.
13:22Why is that, then?
13:24Well, her husband's a mental case, you know.
13:27I've never met him.
13:29By all accounts, it's a blessing they're not coming to find him.
13:36Which one is it, Steve?
13:38Erm...
13:40It's just the next corner here.
13:44Night, Margaret.
13:46Good night.
13:48Night to you all.
13:50Night, Phil.
13:52Thanks very much, Ben. Night, Meg.
13:54Night, Steve.
13:56Bye.
14:18Oh, my God!
14:40Ah!
14:42What are you up to?
14:44I thought you'd gone in.
14:46I should have gone before I left the pub.
14:48I don't think I'm going to last otherwise.
14:50Hmm?
14:52Yes.
14:54I'd really rather not waking anyone up at this time of night.
14:58You go on in.
15:00You're getting soaked to the skin.
15:02I'll be fine.
15:04Yes, right.
15:16DOOR CLOSES
15:36LAUGHTER
15:39LAUGHTER
15:45I've been looking for this bloody thing everywhere.
15:51Achoo!
15:59I don't know why you had to get up.
16:01You'd feel much better if you stayed in bed.
16:03I feel worse when I stay in bed.
16:07HE COUGHS
16:11Oh, you're not going to start having an argument with Chippy Joe now?
16:15Four hours. I waited in for him yesterday.
16:17My God, people come when they say they will.
16:23RADIO PLAYS
16:25Yes.
16:27I'm picking up Radio 5 again.
16:31God, if I had you telephone and I come back,
16:33we'd straddle back.
16:35I won't kiss you because of the germs.
16:37I'll see you later. Bye.
16:39Bye.
16:44Morning, Mr Mildrew. You well?
16:46Where the hell have you been?
16:48We did say Wednesday, didn't we?
16:58How much do you want off these exactly?
17:00Just enough so they open,
17:02but not enough for a draft.
17:04I said, how much do you want off these, Mr Mildrew?
17:08Just shave them.
17:10Just a quick shave? Anything off the top at all?
17:12Yes, I'll have a shampoo and set
17:16and some blonde highlights
17:18and the handles just get opened.
17:20HE COUGHS
17:26I suppose you know you've got a chicken's head
17:28in your geranium.
17:30And your postman's leg's got a piece
17:32of drainpipe in it.
17:34HE STUTTERS
17:36It ticks on you, hasn't it?
17:38Aren't you trying to be of assistance?
17:56HE COUGHS
17:59HE COUGHS
18:06HE COUGHS
18:11Trust me, you've got a bit of a cold
18:13coming on there, Mr Mildrew.
18:15PHONE RINGS
18:17PHONE RINGS
18:27Get off this bloody line!
18:31I've just about had enough of this.
18:39Hello?
18:41Oh, God, there's a bloody
18:43telephone service!
18:47PHONE RINGS
18:51I'll try them again later.
19:01HE COUGHS
19:09HE SIGHS
19:11HE COUGHS
19:17HE SIGHS
19:27LAUGHTER
19:29For God's sake, is he supposed to have done this
19:31to her? No!
19:33No!
19:37SCREAMS
19:39LAUGHTER
19:41LAUGHTER
19:45I was going to say,
19:47be careful with this door, Mr Mildrew.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:51I haven't screwed it back in yet.
19:53LAUGHTER
20:07HE SIGHS
20:11HE COUGHS
20:27LAUGHTER
20:31You won't see it from there.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:35What? Columbo on Mrs Aylesbury's television.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:39I was just wondering
20:41what episode it was.
20:43Still seen them all a dozen times in, are we?
20:53LAUGHTER
21:05LAUGHTER
21:07HE COUGHS
21:15LAUGHTER
21:23LAUGHTER
21:26LAUGHTER
21:36LAUGHTER
21:44LAUGHTER
21:46Oh, for God's sake!
21:50Will you sit down and stop fidgeting
21:52about as though you've got some vitreous dance?
21:54What's the matter with you?
21:56Me? I knew this would happen.
21:58What? Getting all catchy
22:00because you don't have a television to watch.
22:04Take me?
22:06It's you! You don't know
22:08where you are. Who doesn't?
22:10I'd get more peace with a family of orangutans
22:12swinging through the room.
22:14I don't miss it, so you needn't think that.
22:16I don't miss it at all.
22:18I'm only too glad I've had a chance to do other things.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:22BELL RINGS
22:28Oh, it's them back.
22:30Who? The two detectors.
22:32They've probably come to tell us about our furniture.
22:40Ah, yeah, right.
22:44Well, I'm just off to the police station, then.
22:46What for? What's happened?
22:48Er, I've been arrested.
22:52Apparently.
22:54I won't be a tick.
22:58Evening, Mrs Meldrew.
23:00I'm afraid we're going to have to take your husband away
23:02to help us with our enquiries.
23:04As they say in the police force.
23:06What's he supposed to have done?
23:08Earlier today, a phone call
23:10of an unusually indecent nature,
23:12traced back to this number,
23:14was made to a young lady working as an operator
23:17at British Telecom.
23:19The usual low, husky voice
23:21whispering a stream of obscenities.
23:24Obscenities?
23:26The line was not a good one,
23:28but she distinctly remembers
23:30the caller's use of the graphic phrases
23:32stark, bollock, naked
23:34and dripping all down my legs.
23:38Why your husband would want to spread
23:40dripping all down his legs
23:42is, of course, something it's probably best
23:44to draw a veil over for the time being,
23:46Mrs Meldrew.
23:48Suffice to say that by snapping into action at once
23:50we were able to link up this incident
23:52with another one being investigated
23:54by our colleagues at Moreton Road CID.
23:56Relating to a midnight prowler
23:58who was frightened off last night
24:00whilst trying to break into the house
24:02of a young divorced mother of three
24:04in the Dunhill area.
24:08The lady gave us quite a nifty description
24:10of the offender, seen through her back window
24:12and claims the resulting photo fit
24:14to be an extremely accurate likeness.
24:20And of course, once we were able
24:22to match up the fingerprints
24:24on her doorknob with those taken
24:26from your husband for elimination purposes
24:28here the other afternoon,
24:30the various pieces of the whole
24:32grisly jigsaw slotted neatly into place.
24:36Is that a piece of drainpipe in his leg?
24:38Is that a piece of drainpipe in his leg?
24:42Right. All ready to go?
24:44After you, Constable.
24:46Oh, yes.
24:48Right.
24:54I think he
24:56misses his police programs.
25:02Right.
25:04That's about it then, Mrs Meldrew.
25:06It's a 28-inch Nikam fast-text.
25:08We can have it delivered to you first thing Monday morning.
25:10Not until then.
25:12Is that all right for you?
25:14All right.
25:16I have just spent
25:18the most unutterably miserable week
25:20of my entire life coping
25:22with a husband deprived of his television set.
25:24If I have to prolong that agony
25:26for another hour, let alone another weekend,
25:28I may just do something
25:30very regrettable with a pair
25:32of razor-tipped salad tongs.
25:34Um...
25:36I'll just have a word with dispatch for you.
25:38I won't be a second.
25:52On ITV this Saturday
25:54at eight,
25:56Jeremy Beadle introduces another
25:58crazy catalogue of riotous
26:00video clips sent in by you,
26:02the viewers,
26:04in human form.
26:18The jokes
26:20of you, the public,
26:22once again here at eight o'clock
26:24this Saturday night
26:26on ITV.
26:28You're in luck, Mrs Meldrew.
26:30We can have your new television set with you
26:32Saturday afternoon at three.
26:38That's all right.
26:40Monday morning will be fine.