One Foot In The Grave S04 E01 - The Pit and the Pendulum
Transcript
00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
00:30I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
01:01Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking. I'm sorry I'm not here now, but that's because
01:09I'm somewhere else. I say, I'm somewhere else! And... but I expect you'll both be up here
01:17soon, won't you? The pair of you? So I'll see you then! Hello?
01:23Hello, Mum. It's Wednesday, about six o'clock.
01:26I'm just ringing to say that all being well,
01:28we'll be up there Sunday afternoon, about three.
01:31But I'll speak to you soon. Bye-bye.
01:47Any luck? How did it go?
01:50Any luck? How did it go?
01:52Yes, very well, surprisingly.
01:55See, the wild man of Borneo said another good day in the garden.
02:00Quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate.
02:02Well, who got him in? Not me.
02:04There was no necessity for it in the first place.
02:06There's ever a necessity with that bloody tree next door
02:08sucking all the moisture out of our garden like an elephant's trunk.
02:13Get his roots chopped off on our side,
02:15we might be able to grow something out there again.
02:19He's charged me for one guppy too many here.
02:23I know, I tell a lie, he hasn't.
02:25So, how did you get on at the Herald offices?
02:28Did you get that job on the packing bench or what?
02:30They're going to ring me up and let me know tomorrow.
02:32They say I have to be sure I'll be in between nine and one.
02:35Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, doesn't it?
02:41I hope you're going to have the decency to take the dead ones out first this time.
02:46Yes, I am.
02:47Where's the tea strainer?
03:04Good grief!
03:07That's 127 of those things you've managed to kill off now.
03:12I've never heard anything like it since biblical times.
03:15You flattened 12 in one go when you dropped that rock in the tank.
03:19It's just teething troubles, that's all.
03:21I think I know what I'm doing wrong now.
03:24Fish have a better life expectancy in the co-op freezer
03:26than they do in that thing.
03:29Oh, and can we please not flush them down the toilet this time,
03:33as half the bloody things come floating back up again?
03:36Yes.
03:45Anyway, everything's under control now.
03:47I've just got a few more adjustments to make to this air flow
03:50and they'll be fine.
03:51By the way, I've spoken to Marnie this afternoon.
03:54She's beginning to get the hang of that answering machine more now.
03:57I don't really know why you got one for her on the first place.
04:00You know she never goes far.
04:01She might go a bit further if she stopped growing
04:04and ran her beans up her zimmer frame.
04:06I don't think she's going to go any further.
04:08I'm sure she'll be fine.
04:09I'm sure she'll be fine.
04:10I'm sure she'll be fine.
04:11I'm sure she'll be fine.
04:13I'm sure she'll be fine.
04:14You know you got to fill up your zimmer frame.
04:17I said we'd pop up there Sunday afternoon.
04:20You'd bat here by the minute.
04:21I went over there the other week.
04:23She was slicing waxfruit onto her old ran.
04:26Says it keeps her regular.
04:27Keeps her regular, so does a stick of dynamite up your chest.
04:32I could hear them talking next door.
04:34Where's that glass?
04:35God, Sparrows, here we go again.
04:38They're talking about us.
04:40I just caught the words,
04:42Asshole think he's playing out
04:48Wonder what's happening
04:56That's five lots of them he's brought home in the last week
04:59Won't be surprised if he's eating them on Ritz crackers
05:02Am I gonna get my spaghetti jar back again tonight or what?
05:06Hmm. Well, what was that and our friend homo erectus out the back? You never know what you're gonna see there next
05:13Hmm
05:16Quite nearby somewhere comes out for a few hours each day to lumber around Meldrews garden with a shovel in his fist
05:24Quite sure why you're talking about that workman next door. I think he looks cute
05:31Cute never seen so much hair going down someone's back in all my life blow dries bottom every morning
05:38I
05:40Tell you if he damages that cherry tree, they'll be all hell to pay
05:44Here you go
05:46Come on
05:49Wonder why he only eats cat food
05:52Don't look at me. He's your baby substitute
05:56What's that supposed to mean? I brought him for you
05:58Yes
06:00Of course you did
06:02I
06:06Wonder what the weather's gonna be like
06:15Yeah
06:16That's angry. Mr. Mildew. Okay, so I didn't get very far yesterday and a slight problem with a dehydration
06:21Let's get it three that a night gets the precipitation in your subsoil and how is it this morning?
06:25Marv Marv Marv. It's just a moment. Yeah, look
06:28Yielding yielding straightaway. That is see for yourself
06:33I
06:37Yeah, let's get a bit more supple than usual see what I'm saying about your moisture content, yeah
06:49Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting if you can mr. Mildew. Oh, right. Yes. Sorry
06:58All right love Queen
07:02Wonderful wicked morning or what?
07:05Never darling with a song in my heart and a tongue in my ear
07:12But that's hard work digging down all that way with just a shovel
07:16I tried it once with a pneumatic drill, but it kept giving me orgasms at the stop
07:32I'm with it. Absolutely. Mr. Mildew. No problems be right on it
07:49Absolutely disgusting
08:03And give my love to your mommy and thanks again
08:11Who was that I thought you'd gone I was just getting into the car when mrs
08:15Ellsbury's children came running across with this so they brought it back to us from Westwood. Oh as a present bless them. Oh
08:24Yes, the very thing I was about to add to my Christmas present list a sack full of seaweed
08:33Yes, very thoughtful loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag
08:39Barnacles and God knows what not in here. Oh, hang on. I think I can just see Hanson Lottie has down the bottom
08:49Before what but that'll only be if I've got it. I'll keep my fingers crossed and I may ring you later
09:02Oh
09:33I
09:43Caught it a bloody one. Wait for God's sake culture
09:53Well, that's that then another one down this swanee
09:57I must have needed my head examining to think they'd bring in the first place
10:13Would I come up here for
10:27I
10:32Don't believe it
10:42Bloody cups of coffee
10:45Bring up an elastic band
10:58For tonight one
11:01What
11:04No, they haven't no not yet
11:09Yeah
11:11Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Will you please get off the phone in case they do?
11:15Yes, I'll talk to you later. Yes, right. Bye
11:27Oh
11:40Denzel
11:57I
12:14Stop worrying he's gonna run away from home. I'm sure he'd have left you a note
12:21Just take one more look in the air and cover
12:28Oh
12:33Look at that. Why is it every time you spend half an hour trying to pick them apart?
12:37It's also a bloody two-page advert for Peugeot
12:42Completely wasted four seconds of my life doing that
12:50For two nine one
12:58Oh
13:03Really
13:07Yes, thank you very much three o'clock yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you very much indeed
13:27As he got to this morning
13:58I've got some fried mushrooms with this as well. Okay, that's fabulous. She's mailed you
14:09By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening a tin of talcum powder
14:12I was up there only I'm allergic to the signs breeze. You see how rough my skin gets
14:16Oh
14:23Excuse me
14:25Morning, mr. Mel do as it hanging
14:29Never mind how it's hanging. What the hell's all this about?
14:32We have an a seaside guest house here. How we know?
14:36Mr. Kazan Z's water was cut off this morning
14:39I don't imagine you want to start the morning without having a bath or something to eat
14:44I'll go and put some toast on for you. How would you like it like my women golden hot and covered in marmalade?
14:54I thought you said this was going to do one day's work out there. No promise. Mr. Mildew be done by lunchtime maximum. Thanks
15:13How's this
15:22Seal with a loving kiss from Tina Marilyn and Trish you can come around and get dirty in our garden any time
15:31I don't know schoolgirls. What would you do with him?
15:36I know I'll send him a 12-inch ruler as a measure of my affections
15:44Well, thank you very much indeed when I want to a breakfast at Halen case, I'll let you know
15:49You still here I thought you had to go to the bank this morning and don't forget you start work at 3 this afternoon
15:56Right. Well, I'll just leave you both to it then
16:00But my mr. Mildew big groovy. I
16:06Wonder how the new mass size
16:13I
16:43I
17:13Oh
17:25Two bloody hours just to see a sodding bank manager
17:38Spray these on this
17:44Mr. Mildew thought he was gonna be out all day. So it went bloody well up here. I mean, what is this a hostel for sex maniacs?
17:50I mean, well, did you tell me I'd have had a contraceptive machine put in the downstairs toilet?
17:56Calm down
17:58You have dialed info
18:09Nothing
18:10Don't lose your temper with him. Please. Look you don't regret it later like you always do
18:14I'm not gonna regret nothing Susan is over the back door open the back door now
18:19right you
18:29Dear mrs. Mildew have filled in the hole now. Hope it is to your satisfaction. It certainly is to mine
18:53What am I doing wallpapering this
18:59Not very much
19:03It wasn't my fault I came home to find him drooping some half-naked female on the floor. What was I supposed to think?
19:12You don't mean his daughter
19:14She dropped by to give him a hand just after you left. I said they could both use the bathroom to clear up when they'd
19:18finished
19:21Victor
19:22God
19:23What have you done this time?
19:26No, my nose. What stop standing there, which you could blow my nose. I think I'm going to sleep
19:31Oh
19:44We're going to do what do you suggest we do spread some fertilizer around my neck and wait like a muffin
19:53We're not gonna stay like this forever am I
19:55Bloody bore the penalty spot is back to rock hard all around me. You'll just have to start digging
20:03Who's that oh
20:06It's Patrick in favor. I'll get them to give me a horn. Don't you bloody dare see me like this. I'll never live it down
20:21Very closely Patrick
20:25Oh
20:29Yes, just up to the hospital, you know to have a hermit crab surgically removed from my testicles
20:36Well, I say hermit crab it wasn't demonstrating much in the way of hermitude when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch
20:44And fastened itself to my scrotum like a bulldog clip
20:46I
20:50Only got myself to blame on that one. I'm afraid the old old story
20:54I remember to apply the sunscreen, but completely forgot to smear my groin with crab repellent
21:01I paid the price
21:05Nice look very red. Yes. Well, they would do wouldn't they?
21:11Makes you wonder where things like that come from doesn't it doesn't it mrs. Meldrum? Yes, doesn't it?
21:17Changing the subject altogether. How's mr. Meldrum getting on with his collection of exotic marine wildlife?
21:23No escaped specimens to report
21:27No, no, I don't think so. Oh
21:31I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone. Would you excuse me, please both of you? Yes, Margaret. See you later
21:46I
22:05Was a bit of a mix-up at the work
22:09Was it and
22:13One of those stupid things you do
22:17Yes, yes, I do indeed mr. Meldrum
22:31Oh
22:38I'm bloody marvelous
22:40What am I gonna tell about the Herald? I'm sorry. I never came into her but unfortunately
22:45My leg
22:50What is it now
22:52Who's that? It was mrs. Reynolds who lives next door to mum
22:59Said she went round there this afternoon with her pension and found her dead in the armchair
23:07Said they reckoned she'd been like that for five days
23:13Just sitting there with her knitting in her lap
23:22Telephone answering machine had been left on since Monday
23:30God
23:35Sorry
23:39Yes
23:41Well
23:45Get your shower
23:57Still not sure about that. It was all right at her place, but I'm not sure about ours
24:05Grandparents had one I
24:06Always remember as a child being scared stiff that if the pendulum stopped it meant I was gonna die
24:12It's just a certain stare out of her eyes and kisses suddenly stopped swinging
24:17Like waiting for your heart to stop
24:20And did it?
24:21Nope, and I'm still here
24:24We might as well keep this you can always switch it on when you go to the loo
24:36But it's because I'm somewhere else I say I'm somewhere else
24:43But I bet you'll both be up here soon won't you the pair of you
24:50Hello
24:55Well, that's cheered me up no end I must say
25:00You all right?
25:02Yes, I'll just care go through that tomorrow. I think are you coming up?
25:06Yes might as well