One Foot In The Grave S02 E02 - We Have Put Her Living in the Tomb
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Mel drew. Who? Well, put Mavis on, then.
00:05I don't care if she is reproving a yashmerk. I want to speak to her.
00:10Usual performance. She takes my ticket, disappears for half an hour, comes back...
00:16Do you remember when you brought them in?
00:19Yes, last Thursday. Off she goes again, comes back.
00:22What colour were they? Light grey. Off she goes again, still comes...
00:27Hello! Yes, I have got them here at home with me.
00:30I'm just wondering what the idea of this rather offensive piece of paper I've just found speared to the hook.
00:36This garment was extremely badly soiled and bore stains of an unusually resilient nature.
00:44What's it got to do with you?
00:47I bring my trousers in. I expect them to be dry-cleaned, not reviewed in print by the laundry critic of the Sunday Times.
00:55You might as well get Bernard Levin to do an essay and my socks would be done with it.
01:01That's just the sort of remark I expected. I don't know why I bother.
01:06There we are. I think we've made a good job of that between us, all things considered.
01:12How much did he quote us, your decorator friend? 150.
01:16There you are, then. That's nearly 90 pounds we've saved.
01:19And he wasn't due to start till today, remember?
01:24Oh, there was another thing.
01:26While I was waiting in the shop, three people asked me if I'd just been using TCP.
01:32I should never have put it on. It's got a radioactive half-life of 2,000 years, that stuff.
01:38Might as well just give you a giant sandwich board with each bottle.
01:42Yes, it was me. I was wearing TCP.
01:45Oh, you got another book for the bedroom, then?
01:48Oh, yes. She jotted down the price of those pens there for me as well.
02:01Oh, my God!
02:03What's that?
02:05Have you seen what this is written on the back of?
02:08What are you talking about?
02:10That woman who works in the hardware shop.
02:12It was her husband, wasn't it, who stuck his head in the oven and gassed himself?
02:18This is his suicide note.
02:23Don't be ridiculous.
02:25Just as if she'd be so insensitive to jot the price of a pot of paint down on the back of her own husband's suicide note.
02:32By the time you read this, I will be dead.
02:37My life has become such a gutted shell, I have decided to snuff out my worthless existence once and for all.
02:45Farewell forever, Matilda. I go now to my grave.
02:52Dulux satin eggshell.
02:555.95 a litre.
02:58God, you're right.
03:00You'd think she'd have shown a bit more respect.
03:04That's absolutely disgraceful.
03:06What must their marriage have been like?
03:10It's only 4.95 a litre at B&Q.
03:14Anyway, what time are we expected at your goddaughter's tonight?
03:18Any time after seven, I said. Well, when we get there, really.
03:22Then I'll go have a long hot bath, see if that'll soak away the TCP.
03:29That's the five of us again.
03:31Oh, that's Robert using the chemical toilet.
03:36Sorry, it's a bit out of focus, that shot.
03:39Yes, shame.
03:41Well, this was Lulworth Cove in Dorset.
03:43Durdle Door there, that big rock formation in the sea.
03:46Stunning scenery, it really was.
03:49Oh, and this is...
03:51I think this is where Peter accidentally backs the Land Rover onto a duck.
04:02Tragic, really.
04:04Hope you're not boring, Victor.
04:07Looks like he's got the pastry.
04:09He's got the pastry!
04:12What the hell?
04:15I wonder what that was.
04:18It's only a little Jackie's pet tortoise.
04:21I thought it was a hernia.
04:26Give her here.
04:28Now then, five to eleven.
04:30I still haven't shown you that other one, yet, have I?
04:33I'm not sure how I cross-indexed it under Jackie or baby.
04:39Has someone been using TCP?
04:44Does Aunty Norma want to come in at all, do you think?
04:47No, no, she's fine out there.
04:49She's a bit shy with people, she doesn't know that well.
04:52She feels safe behind frosted glass.
04:55She doesn't think we can see her.
04:58Are you taking her on this holiday with you?
05:01What? Aunty Norma?
05:03On a trekking holiday up the Welsh mountains?
05:05Yes.
05:07That's the great joy of the jeep, you see.
05:09We can just throw her walking frame in the back and go where we want.
05:13Could you see one with Jackie, early 86, in there?
05:19Yes, here it is.
05:21Is that the two-hour or the three-hour?
05:23Three-hour.
05:25Three-hour. Right.
05:31Now, Peter filmed most of this.
05:35There we are.
05:37Look.
05:39That's her head, just starting to come out now.
05:45You see? Just very slowly and...
05:51In a second, you'll see sister cutting the umbilical.
05:56Are you all right, Victor?
05:58Some more wine?
06:00No, thank you very much.
06:02Don't have any Alka-Seltzer at all.
06:14What time is it?
06:16Ten past two.
06:18Oh, I'm ready for my pillow.
06:22I'm quite awake now.
06:24I'm not surprised.
06:26You had two hours' sleep at Jennifer's.
06:28Mind what you're doing with Kylie.
06:30How is she?
06:32Kylie's fine, as far as one can tell.
06:37Don't hold her upside down. She might get a nosebleed.
06:42There's one more thing to worry about, I suppose.
06:45It's only for a week while they're away.
06:48What possible trouble could a tortoise be? It's not as if...
06:55Bloody hell!
07:00I'm awful.
07:02Where's it gone? What's happened?
07:09Sorry you were out, but thought I'd make a start anyway.
07:13But managed to get the worst of it off
07:16and bagged up ready for the dustman
07:19who comes back Monday to start sanding down the woodwork.
07:22Cheers, Stan.
07:25I thought you cancelled him.
07:27I did, last week.
07:29I towed his mate Sid down the pub.
07:32I made it quite clear we were going to do it ourselves
07:35and would he tell Stan...
07:37Wait, wait. Towed his mate Sid?
07:40You didn't speak to him direct?
07:43I didn't have his address. I didn't know where to get hold of him.
07:47You didn't have his address?
07:50Why didn't you try Dodge City?
07:52That's where all the other cowboys live, isn't it?
07:56I don't believe you.
07:58Five days it took to put this up.
08:02Didn't know where to get hold of him.
08:04I'll tell you where to get hold of him.
08:06Round his bloody neck, if I see him.
08:09I'm going to bed.
08:12£12.50 a roll.
08:17I can't see her. She could be anywhere by now.
08:20Hmm?
08:22She was down the bottom of the garden five minutes ago
08:24sniffing at the petunias.
08:26Who was?
08:27Oh, Kylie. You haven't seen her.
08:29She's not been in here.
08:31Oh, by the way, I put that pie in the microwave.
08:33What pie?
08:35That big pie in the microwave.
08:37What pie?
08:40That big crusty pie with the poor baby gherkins at each corner.
08:47If she's got out the back and onto that road,
08:50you'll be in the microwave.
08:52She won't go out the back.
08:54They're very territorial creatures.
08:56Oh, of course. You know all about tortoises.
08:58I forgot.
09:00That's why you spent half an hour last night
09:02trying to teach her to sing.
09:04I was not trying to teach her to sing.
09:07You were whistling at it and making those silly chirping noises.
09:10You thought I didn't see you, but I did.
09:12Look, I haven't got time to go out there with you.
09:14All right, all right.
09:17If there's another man who looks like bloody Holly
09:19trying to sell us Sky Television,
09:21tell him we're both blind and deaf.
09:23And you don't eat one of his satellite dishes.
09:25I weld a bidet to the side of the house
09:27and it'll be less of an eyesore.
09:31Oh, thank you very much.
09:34Kylie?
09:37Kylie?
09:40If you wanted her to know...
09:49Kylie?
09:52Kylie?
09:57Kylie?
10:04Kylie?
10:18I don't believe it.
10:34You lady bastards!
10:36Could you leave her out of the way first?
10:49This is the stuff I was trying to get for Chris.
10:51He's just run out of hair tonic.
10:53Well, Victor won't be needing it. He's just run out of hair.
10:57You sure? Positive.
10:59Oh, thanks. Stimulate his roots a bit at least.
11:02Very nice, Jean.
11:04And thanks for the plant. That came yesterday.
11:06I'll just put this with the others.
11:09I told them the 15th.
11:12So, you doing anything nice tonight?
11:14Going out celebrating?
11:16Well, we were thinking of going for a meal,
11:18but then this morning I got a card from Jennifer
11:21with two tickets for Les Miserables.
11:24What? A musical? In London?
11:26Oh, that'll be nice.
11:28And it's for tomorrow, the 16th,
11:30so we thought we'd make a night of it then.
11:32The trouble is, I don't think I've got anything to wear.
11:35I'm back!
11:37Ah, morning, Mrs. Warboys.
11:39Morning, Mr. Meldrew. Happy anniversary.
11:43Have you been using TCP?
11:47Yes, five days ago.
11:50Hello, is that the United Nations?
11:52Yes, it's Victor Meldrew here in England.
11:55Just to say that if Signor Pereth the Killer
11:57asks who's been using TCP,
11:59just to say that I'm very sorry
12:01to offer my apologies to the whole of mankind.
12:03Thank you so much.
12:05Right. Well, I suppose I'd better be running.
12:09I'll see you tomorrow then.
12:11Perhaps we can find something then.
12:13Yes, we may well. See you.
12:15Bye. Bye-bye. Bye.
12:17Bye, Mr. Meldrew.
12:20Do you have to wait long at the hospital?
12:22An hour and a half.
12:24An hour and a half, sitting around like a tubey junk.
12:27Only to discover I'd lost the damn thing.
12:29Lost it?
12:30The urine sample they asked for.
12:32I had to claw it out of my pocket in the bus.
12:35Perhaps somebody will find it and hand it in.
12:38After all the trouble I went to last night
12:40finding something in the right size.
12:42I know.
12:43Sterilising that old hair tonic bottle I've never seen.
12:46Yes.
12:50Right, that grass could do with another cut.
12:52Here's the extension, please.
13:05Where have you got to now?
13:07Kelly?
13:23See...
13:25You should jump in
13:28And cross in this garden
13:31Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee
13:53Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee
14:04Victor!
14:06What?
14:07What is it now?
14:19Brinley!
14:22Good morning, sir.
14:23Mr Meldrew, is it?
14:25I hope it's a convenient moment.
14:27My name's Barney.
14:28I wonder if I might just ask you a few questions
14:30on the subject of satellite television.
14:33There's no obligation to buy.
14:35Does it look like a bloody convenient moment?
14:37I won't ignore it for a second.
14:39Barney!
14:40I wonder if you are aware
14:42there's a range of comprehensive programme scheduling
14:44available to you as a subscriber to Sky Television.
14:47Barney!
14:48Ah, Mrs Meldrew.
14:50Your hubby and I were just chatting
14:51about the benefits of a subscription to Sky.
14:53Many of which you may already be aware of.
14:55But I'd like here, if I may,
14:57to throw a couple of names up at you for consideration.
15:00Tony Blackburn and Derek Jameson.
15:10Rubber than pastry.
15:13Don't you...
15:14Rubber than pastry!
15:16For God's sake, shut up!
15:18What's the matter?
15:19Will you stop going on about that bloody pastry
15:22every time you fall asleep?
15:24Pastry?
15:26Why on earth would I talk about pastry in my sleep?
15:30I don't know.
15:32Are you still looking at that pet column?
15:35I've told you, you can put it away. I'm not having it.
15:37One tortoise looks very like another.
15:39Who's going to know the difference?
15:41We are.
15:42We are going to know the real one was cremated to death
15:44in the back garden.
15:47Aren't you going to tell them it was an accident?
15:49No, I'll say we planted some tortoise tikka kebab
15:52and tossed it on the barbecue.
15:55It was one of those things that happened
15:58and we'll just have to break it to them gently.
16:03There's someone here with a tortoise for sale in Dockrill Road.
16:08Now, I could pop in there first thing in the morning.
16:11I said no.
16:15No.
16:17Right.
16:23I said no. Keep away from me, that pastry.
16:28Come on, that pastry!
16:37Set you off?
16:39Yes, get something for myself.
16:41Try not to get too late back.
16:43It'll be like getting into London.
16:45You're not taking tranquilizers again?
16:48No, I'm sterilizing the bottle.
16:51Oh, what for your...
16:53Yes, they won't be brought in this afternoon.
16:55Oh, and tell Mrs. Warboys I'm sorry about Mr. Warboy's hair.
17:00No, so is he, by all accounts.
17:03See you later.
17:05Bye.
17:13Right. It's now or never, I suppose.
17:22Don't play with that, darling.
17:24Go and help Daddy get Aunty Norma's foot out of the glove compartment.
17:29PHONE RINGS
17:34Hello. Victor, how are you?
17:37Yes, just this minute.
17:39Lovely, thanks. How's Kylie?
17:41Really? Hasn't been giving you too much trouble, I hope.
17:44Well, no, that's... I'm ringing, I'm afraid.
17:48I'm afraid...
17:50she's dead.
17:52Unfortunately.
17:54She...
17:56I feel just terrible about this.
17:58Well, she went out into the back garden, is what happened,
18:01and she must have...
18:03Beg your pardon?
18:07Quite peacefully, I suppose.
18:09One minute she was fine, the next minute she was...
18:12Oh, my God.
18:14Oh, Victor, I'd better go now.
18:17Thanks for letting me know, anyway.
18:20Yes.
18:22Yes, I will.
18:24Bye.
18:29Oh, God.
18:40I suppose it is being a bit dishonest, really.
18:45What's worse, being dishonest or upsetting that little girl?
18:53I'll just pop it into her.
18:55I won't be a sec.
19:10SIGHS
19:12Why can you never go where you want to?
19:39I can't stop, actually. There's a friend outside in the car.
19:42But I thought you'd want her back as soon as possible.
19:44There we are.
19:46Yes.
19:48Well, thanks for everything, anyway.
19:50You can take her out in the garden, now, can't you?
19:53And play with her.
19:55I don't think that's such a good idea, do you?
20:03Look, I'll give you a ring later.
20:05Oh, right. And thank you for those tickets.
20:07The tickets were really looking forward to it.
20:09See you soon.
20:22It's all gone now.
20:26There's no more pastry.
20:31I'll take these for you.
20:33Oh, thanks. You go on in, then.
20:35I'm just going to pop this in the box around the corner.
20:44Anyone home?
20:46Mr Meldrew?
20:49It wasn't as crowded downtown as we expected,
20:52and Margaret managed to find just the right thing,
20:54the first place we went in.
20:56So it was always...
21:00Mr Meldrew?
21:05Mr Meldrew?
21:23By the time you read this, I will be dead.
21:27My life has become such a gutted shell,
21:30I've decided to stuff up my worthless existence
21:33once and for all forever.
21:35Oh, my God!
21:37What have you done?
21:39Oh!
21:56What's happened? What's the matter?
21:58If that's Christian, just take hold of his other arm
22:01and help me to walk around the room.
22:03What's going on?
22:05What's happened?
22:07He's going to be all right. There's nothing to worry about.
22:09I think I managed to get it all out of his stomach.
22:12But we've got to keep him awake.
22:14And I don't get it. Life's no stage.
22:16Got all what out of his stomach?
22:18What's happened?
22:20Jean!
22:22The empty bottle and the note.
22:28Oh, no.
22:32What?
22:36What's the matter?
22:40What have I done?
22:53How's your throat now?
22:55Fine. Absolutely fine.
22:57Says Mrs Warboys took a finger out of it.
22:59I really hadn't looked back.
23:01Erm, a Ford Fiesta, you say?
23:03Can you remember when you brought it in?
23:05Yes. 23 minutes past six.
23:09Right.
23:18The miserable...
23:20The miserable people, right?
23:22I presume so, yes.
23:24Brilliant show.
23:26Absolutely brilliant.
23:29So I'm told by people who have actually seen it.
23:32You checked the date as well as me.
23:34June 16th.
23:37I suppose we should look on the bright side.
23:39The seats were very comfortable.
23:41For the three and a half minutes we were sitting in them.
23:44And we did manage to get there early.
23:49One year early.
23:52Yes. That's what I wasn't expecting.
23:55That certainly was a corker, that one.
23:58Tickets being for June the 16th next year.
24:02It's a very popular show.
24:04You have to book so far in advance these days.
24:08Erm, what colour was it?
24:10Oh, for goodness...
24:12Light grey.
24:14You're not married to a woman named Mavis
24:16at my local dry cleaners by any chance.
24:18Registration?
24:20C65GTB.
24:23If they've lost my car, that's it.
24:26It'll be me and that incinerator tonight.
24:28I've just about had enough!
24:48That's not my car.
24:50That's not my car.
24:52That's the number you just told me.
24:55It certainly is not.
25:00My mind must have been on something else.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:19By the way, I meant to tell you,
25:21I got another tortoise.
25:23I took it round to them this afternoon.
25:25They don't suspect a thing, so don't you say anything, right?
25:29Let's just let sleeping dogs lie.
25:32I rang her up this morning, just after you'd gone.
25:35I told her it was dead.
25:40But she didn't...
25:46No.
26:02No.