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Short filmTranscript
00:00That's the little cafe where we used to go for our breakfast.
00:08That was our last day in Athens, actually.
00:11Nice one of the ruins.
00:12I think that's the hotel.
00:16Oh!
00:18Your postcard, which I gave to Victor to post.
00:23Thanks.
00:25Arrived safe and sound, plane trip fine apart from finding dead snake in the flight bag.
00:31Tell you all about that later.
00:34Oh, it's 39.
00:37Sorry?
00:3839, Wingate.
00:40Says here 30.
00:41Oh, that's just Victor's nines.
00:44I'm forever telling him.
00:46There you go.
00:48So, um, how is Victor, then?
00:52Oh, you know, genie's usual self.
00:54Oh, dear.
00:57As well as can be expected after undergoing an intimate body search by customs officers.
01:03What exactly happened again?
01:05Well, the man had just stopped him, how they do, and said,
01:08And how are we today, sir?
01:10To which Victor replied,
01:11I'm fine apart from the crack in my bottom.
01:13You know how he suffers with that crack.
01:17Well, that was it.
01:18He was in there for two and a half hours while they looked for it.
01:22Drugs officers, everyone.
01:25Well, you know, Jean, they're thorough once they get going.
01:29Yes.
01:30Margaret, there's something I've got to tell you.
01:33What is that?
01:34And all the luggage going...
01:35Margaret!
01:36It's been down to earth with a...
01:38Real sudden.
01:40What is it?
01:41You've been all on edge ever since you turned up.
01:44Whatever's the matter?
01:46I think I'm going to buy you a large brandy.
02:12Any luck?
02:13Luck?
02:14They've emptied the entire cargo hold.
02:16Now, they swear blind their suitcases were never on the plane.
02:20Good evening, Mrs. Warboys. How are you?
02:22You know what's happened?
02:23Those ruddy Greek baggage handlers.
02:25They're on the map here for a start.
02:27Mr. Meldrew, you have a nice time?
02:30Terrible.
02:31Two weeks of misery incarnate
02:33Imprisoned in the most polluted city in the earth
02:35During the Greek coach driver strike.
02:39Victor, Jean has some bad news.
02:43Hmm?
02:44What's happened?
02:46You won't get hysterical.
02:49What is it?
02:50You won't start shouting
02:53Or banging yourself on the head with that tin tray.
02:56Promise me.
02:57I won't. I won't shout. I won't get hysterical.
02:59Just tell me what's happened.
03:01Your house has been demolished.
03:14What happened was
03:17First of all, it caught fire.
03:21Somehow, two days after you left
03:25It was very badly gutted
03:27But it was still standing.
03:31That was before the hurricane.
03:35Well, you see, by then it
03:38It was getting very, very hazardous
03:41Collapsing on people in the street and so on
03:45So they had no choice but
03:49Oh, dear.
03:57I got you a tennis pills and a lager.
03:59I thought you'd need it.
04:11No, it hasn't helped, I'm afraid.
04:42What do they think happened?
04:46Well, there's a theory about some children
04:48Sticking a firework through the letterbox
04:50As a trick or treat
04:52But, of course, they can't prove anything.
04:55It was Mrs. Althorpe across the road
04:57Who first smelt something burning.
05:00Did she do anything?
05:03Well, yes.
05:05She turned down the gas under her cauliflower.
05:09Eventually, she did try to ring the fire brigade
05:12But what with the arthritis in her fingers and everything
05:15She got the wrong number
05:17And got through to a singing telegram agency.
05:21Mind you, to give them their due
05:23They were around here very quickly.
05:25Who were?
05:28The three men in gorilla costumes.
05:34Three men in gor...
05:37Well, that was the answer to all our prayers then.
05:39What did they do? Swing backwards and forwards
05:41Between the lamp post and the buckets of water?
05:45This was my house.
05:48I'll go and get you some coats.
05:50You'll catch your death's heart here.
06:00I don't believe it.
06:03I don't... You see this?
06:05Look at this.
06:06The house has been razed to the ground
06:08And they're still delivering the bloody newspapers.
06:10Those green newspapers, they stick through the door.
06:13Look at this.
06:14This is tonight's edition.
06:16This has been delivered tonight.
06:20What are you looking for?
06:22Where is it?
06:23Your fortune in the stars.
06:26Virgo, you will come back today from your holiday
06:29To receive an extremely unpleasant rectal examination
06:32From three men in peaked caps.
06:34Your luggage will go missing in the other side of the world.
06:36Your house will be completely consumed by a hideous fireball.
06:41You will end up tonight freezing to death
06:43On a demolition site, dressed as a Cisco kid.
06:48Absolutely uncanny.
06:50He's hit the nail right in the head, and no mistake.
06:53I'll never call Russell Grant
06:55A vacuous lump of whale blubber ever again.
06:59I mean, what's this?
07:00Look at this.
07:02A free sample of HP spicy sauces.
07:07You, for God's sake, keep that bloody row down.
07:10Everyone, be considerate.
07:15What the hell's it got to do with you?
07:17I'm trying to get some bloody sleep.
07:19And I'm not getting in with you down there
07:21Yakking 19 to the dozen about rectal examinations and spicy sauces.
07:25Do you know what the time is?
07:27Time you stuck your head out of a wheat disposal system.
07:31Dang it, you're waking the whole street.
07:33I have just returned home to find my entire house burnt to the ground.
07:38Don't I know it.
07:40I didn't get any bloody sleep that night either.
07:42The fire engines and condos worked in the early hours.
07:45Oh, I'm sorry if it disturbed you.
07:48I'll ask if they'd mind climbing up the ladders
07:50And their stonking feet next time.
07:52How about that?
07:53Put a silencer on their sirens.
07:55Is that it back again?
07:57Old misery gut.
07:58I thought you were too good for that.
08:00You have to make that bleeding racket all night long.
08:02If I want to make a racket, I will.
08:05And if you don't like it, you can bloody well look for the pair of you.
08:20Where are you going?
08:22I'm going upstairs to bed.
08:24So I can wake up in the morning to find out that this is all a hideous dream.
08:30I'm sorry.
09:01Is there any need for all this packaging with everything these days?
09:05What did this have in it? The Taj Mahal?
09:07No, that was the food mixer.
09:10I'll need that to send back when it goes wrong.
09:13I'll um, I'll put it in the clock with the others.
09:19Um, Victor, will you answer the door?
09:23Um, Victor, will you answer the door?
09:35Ah, it is you. I thought it was.
09:37Mr Belger, isn't it?
09:39Fancy you turning up as a next door neighbour.
09:41How are you settling in? All right?
09:43I'm sorry?
09:44Nick Sweeney.
09:45Outward bound for the elderly.
09:47Last year, I called round and you told me to piss off.
09:51Yes, I thought it was you this morning when I looked out the window
09:54and saw you kicking that kiddies tricycle off the front lawn.
09:57I said to Mother, oh dear, he's trouble.
09:59We'd better evacuate the street.
10:01No, I'm just joking with you, sir.
10:03Oh. Right.
10:06Now, how are you?
10:07Yeah, just myself and Mother, who's housebound, unfortunately.
10:10But there we are. You can't do anything about it, can you?
10:13And to be honest, it's nice to see this place occupied again after all this time.
10:17Silly, isn't it?
10:19This place is being put off just because of what happened in that bathroom.
10:22I mean, what difference does it make?
10:24What difference does it make what happened to old Mr Gittings up there?
10:27Yes, I know, it's ridiculous.
10:31What do you mean, what happened up there?
10:33What about old Mr Gittings?
10:35Oh, um...
10:37Well, I don't think we want to dwell on all the gory details, do we?
10:40It's not a very nice subject for discussion, is it really?
10:43I mean, razor blades and all that.
10:45Anyway...
10:46Razor blades?
10:48I wonder if I could be so bold as to ask you not to use your lavatory after 12.30 at night.
10:53Only it sets off a noise a bit like an air raid siren outside.
10:56It goes right through all the pipes in our loo for about five or ten minutes.
11:00Oh, right.
11:02And how long would you like me to hold my bladder till in the morning?
11:05Eight o'clock will be all right.
11:07We'll keep a couple of buckets on the bedside table.
11:10You are kind, Mr Meldrew.
11:11Oh, I nearly forgot what I called.
11:13Now, this came through our door by mistake. I think it's yours.
11:15Well, be seeing you then, Mr Meldrew.
11:17And remember, if there's anything you want, I'm only six inches away.
11:20How very comforting.
11:23Was that our new neighbour? He might have called me.
11:29Dear Mr Meldrew,
11:31Thank you for your letter concerning your missing luggage and list of contents.
11:35As yet, we've been unable to trace these,
11:38although we believe the enclosed may belong to you,
11:41assuring you of our utmost attention at all times.
11:46What's this?
11:51Oh, it's your sock, all right.
11:53I recognise the darning.
11:55Is this it?
11:57After six months scurrying me gene peninsula for our belongings,
12:01one bloody sock!
12:06I am going to the pub now.
12:08I may be gone some time.
12:15LAUGHTER
12:41SIGHS
12:46LAUGHTER
13:01Morning, Mr Meldrew.
13:03Lovely weather, I must say.
13:05What's the idea of this?
13:07Makes it a bit easier, doesn't it?
13:09Save all that trooping round the front all the time.
13:12It's to help me keep an eye on old Mr Giddings.
13:14Make sure he was all right.
13:16Up to this rather horrific death, anyway.
13:18Mother asked me to give you some cuttings from her wandering Jew.
13:21Now, they like a bright position, but try and avoid the direct sunlight.
13:25Thank you. That's very thoughtful of her.
13:27She's up there now. You can give her a wave.
13:33I can't see her now.
13:35There she is, look.
13:37He says it's very nice of you, Mother.
13:41Anyway, I better dash. I expect you'll find somewhere for them, won't you?
13:44Oh, what about the bathroom? It's a thought, isn't it?
13:47Yes, thank you.
13:49Bathroom? What about the bathroom?
13:51Why do you keep going on about the bathroom?
13:56Right, it's all free now if you want to go in.
14:02Yes, I don't think I'll bother tonight.
14:05Look, I've just run the water for you.
14:08No, I'll leave it to the morning now, I think.
14:12Right. How long has this got to go on for?
14:15What? What? You.
14:18Too terrified to set foot inside your own shower.
14:21I don't wonder if people have committed suicide in this house.
14:24Well, we don't know, do we? We don't know what happened to old Mr Kittings.
14:27We won't even get his word for it.
14:29Three times he was round here this afternoon asking if we were all right for slug pellets.
14:34He's got a very sinister dimple.
14:37And what about that housebound mother of his he keeps talking about?
14:41I notice you never actually see her.
14:43No, I expect that's because he's had her stuffed and locked up in the cellar.
14:47I told you this would happen, didn't I?
14:50You stayed up to watch that Alfred Hitchcock film.
14:53I'm sorry we put all sorts of stupid ideas into your head.
14:56I wish you'd be told. He's a perfectly pleasant, nice young man.
15:01Oh, 291.
15:04Oh, hello, Mr Sweeney.
15:09Um, yes, we did flush it a short while ago, I'm afraid.
15:13Um, did you...
15:17Oh, dear, is it?
15:20Oh, no, funnily enough, there's no noise at all our side.
15:25Oh, no, funnily enough, there's no noise at all our side.
15:31Um, yes, yes, well, we'll try not to in future.
15:36And I'm sorry to have disturbed you.
15:39Night-night.
15:42I'll ring the water company in the morning, see if they can sort it out.
15:50I suppose four loaves...
15:53...are all right for tomorrow for sandwiches?
15:57It's only 20 people, it should be enough.
16:02Oh, by the way, your cousin Ivor rang, said he would try and get along.
16:06Perhaps he'll bring one of his musical instruments.
16:09Oh, goody.
16:11Like he did at Aunty Vi's funeral when he tried to play a bite with me
16:15and got that miniature harmonica stuck in his throat.
16:18Ended up reciting the 23rd Psalm like Sparky's magic piano.
16:24Oh, cheer up.
16:26It'll be fun having a housewarming party, you'll see.
16:29It'll be a real chance to enjoy ourselves.
16:36Oh, this is skitting fun, isn't it?
16:40Half past nine.
16:42Where are you going?
16:43Well, I thought I might just mingle, you know.
16:47Circulate among some of the pilchard's sandwiches?
16:50Definitely put 7.30 on the invitations because I checked before I posted them.
16:55Eight tins of pilchards, well, that was money well spent, wasn't it?
17:00They can't all be this late, surely?
17:03Well, the pilchards arrived in time, they arrived in their groups.
17:06Couldn't get here quick enough.
17:10Well, perhaps there was a traffic jam or something.
17:13It's not even if either of us likes pilchards.
17:16Oh, will you give up on the bloody pilchards?
17:19I'll go out tomorrow and buy a cat.
17:25It's not my fault if everybody fails to...
17:28Mr...
17:42Where did we put that Christian aid envelope?
17:46Here it is.
17:48Hold on, I'll see if I can squeeze five loaves and two pilchards into it.
17:58LAUGHTER
18:07Your cousin, Roger, is he still driving that rust-coloured Citroen 2CV?
18:13Driving it? He'll probably be buried in it.
18:16Why?
18:18It's parked outside a house down the road.
18:21What?
18:22Just down on the corner.
18:35Stay here.
18:59Come on in.
19:03Victor! How's it going? Haven't seen you all evening.
19:06You've done a great job in such a short space of time.
19:09I was just saying to Pam, you've turned it into a real home.
19:12It's a real credit to you.
19:14What's going on?
19:16There you are.
19:18I really love what Margaret's done with the curtains in here.
19:22It's a real change of style for both of you, isn't it?
19:25You go in for those rather drab greys and browns.
19:28Really freshens the place up.
19:30Where is she, by the way? I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.
19:34What are you all doing in this house? This isn't my house.
19:37This is somebody else's house.
19:39Whose house is this, huh?
19:42Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
19:44Excuse me, is this your house?
19:46Yes.
19:48This is my party.
19:50These are my guests, come for my housewarming party.
19:54They all brought their drinks round here as presents for me.
19:57I thought they were from the social services.
20:00Hello, hello, everyone.
20:02Attention, please.
20:04Excuse me.
20:08Could I have your attention, please?
20:10There's obviously been some sort of mistake here, everyone.
20:13Mistake? What do you mean?
20:15Well, you see, I don't live in this house.
20:18What did you buy it for, then?
20:20I bought a house round the corner.
20:23Why are you having a party in this one?
20:25Why are you holding a housewarming party in somebody else's house?
20:28I expect he didn't want to mess up his own carpet, eh?
20:31It's perfectly obvious you've all misread the invitation somehow or other.
20:35No, no, no. This is number 10 Riverbank, isn't it?
20:39What are you talking about? That's 19.
20:41That's never a nine in a month or so.
20:43That's a nine? Nobody does their nines like that.
20:46Would you say that was a nine?
20:49That's a nine? That's a nought.
20:52That's definitely not a nine.
20:53Well, he's always had trouble with his nines.
20:55They come out like whirlpools.
20:57His H's are much better. They look more like M's.
21:00I thought it said mousewarming party.
21:03Mousewarming? What do you mean, mousewarming?
21:05Well, that's quite clearly a letter H.
21:07Look, it doesn't matter what it looks like.
21:10Can we just please leave this gentleman's house
21:13and come over to the party at my house?
21:15Please!
21:23Well, who's enjoying that?
21:45Roger, I'm sorry about this.
21:48Roger, I'm sorry about this.
21:50Hiya, how are you?
21:52Just go through. Come and see after drinks.
21:59Oh, hello, Mr Meldrew.
22:01What are you doing?
22:02Well, I was just seeing if I could fix the noise in the...
22:04Oh, no, no, no, not tonight. We're trying to have a party.
22:07Would you like a drink or something at all?
22:09Well, I was hoping to have an early night, but you see, I've got to be up at six.
22:12Oh, have you really? Well, never mind. Another time, perhaps.
22:14Thanks very much for popping by.
22:16Well, we'll see you again soon, I hope.
22:18Good night to you and sweet dreams.
22:21Victor!
22:22Do you know what was great?
22:24They were only having our housewarming party down at number ten.
22:27Could you believe that?
22:28Victor, what have you just done?
22:31Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't in the mood for him tonight, not on top of everything else.
22:35This is his house.
22:39You have just thrown Mr Sweeney out of his own house.
22:44Victor!
22:52What are you doing here?
22:54He called me round to help put his mother to bed.
22:56She just had one of her nasty turns.
22:58And he was... I... You...
23:00Oh, I just don't believe you sometimes!
23:04Oh, I just don't believe you sometimes!
23:08Well, didn't you even look?
23:22Uh, excuse me. Hello, uh, hello, everyone.
23:25Uh, could I have your atte...
23:30Uh, could I have your attention, please?
23:32Uh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me again.
23:36I'm sorry about this.
23:38You're not serious.
23:39Whatever for?
23:40Well, this isn't my house.
23:43What?
23:44No, this isn't my house either, I'm afraid.
23:46I thought it was, but it isn't.
23:48So, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.
23:50Yeah, I'm sorry. I know, I know, I know.
23:52But it's not my fault.
23:53They all look the same, you see.
23:55So if you'd just like to come with me, please.
23:57Come along, this way. That's it.
23:58This is war, boys. Come along.
24:02And it's so nice to see you all settled again
24:05after all your trials and tribulations.
24:07Yes, it was fun.
24:09Now, keep in touch and I'll give you a call.
24:11Drive carefully now, Alice. Good night.
24:14Good night.
24:18That wasn't so bad in the end, was it?
24:24I'll leave this lot till tomorrow.
24:26Don't know about you, but I'm whacked.
24:30Victor?
24:32Victor?
24:38Victor?
24:44Victor?
25:02Victor?
25:33Twenty-five years it took to grow that apple tree.
25:36I planted it in the spring of 1965.
25:41Feeding it and spraying it,
25:43mulching the soil,
25:45watering it through the droughts,
25:47giving it an annual dressing of potash
25:49and hydrogen every January.
25:54Not one sodding apple.
25:57Come on.
25:59Let's go and plant another one.
26:26Bye-bye.