One Foot In The Grave S05 E01 - The Man Who Blew Away
Transcript
00:00Well, that's that over for another year.
00:13The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage to see Great Aunt Joyce.
00:18It's more like entering a mummy's tomb every time we go there.
00:21But in my imagination, where has it got cold in here?
00:26Still, needs to be a real godsend, won't there?
00:29A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand.
00:33Trying to tell me I'd grow into them.
00:37Which you could have meant for me next time.
00:40A balaclava with two heads.
00:42Yes.
00:43Well, if you ever get to that...
00:46Oh!
00:47For the love of my...
00:48What is it?
00:49What's got...
00:50I hope it isn't a bloody mouse.
00:51Why did I even think it would be a good idea to say it needed re-papering?
00:58I must want my head testing.
01:01Can't understand it.
01:03But enough paste on this to sink a battleship.
01:06Slapping it here, there and everywhere like Charlie Drake and the Sistine Chapel.
01:11What are we going to do with this?
01:14Save it till we need a giant elastoplast?
01:17There are some of those refuse bags in the shed.
01:20You'd better bring half a dozen.
01:28Look at her.
01:31Just sit right through it.
01:34I'm telling you, if she has to spend another night here, I may have to kill her.
01:41I mean it.
01:42Yes.
01:43Well, she's a lot of upset this last week.
01:46I mean, you wouldn't like it if your flat was flooded and you had nowhere else to stay.
01:52Gene!
01:53Gene!
01:54Gene!
01:56Oh, for a stick of dynamite!
01:59Gene!
02:01What's happened?
02:03Has there been an earthquake?
02:05No, it's just Victor's papers. Come, darling.
02:08Here, hang on a second.
02:10Oh, what a shame.
02:12After all the work he put into it this morning.
02:15Oh, is it so late already?
02:18Those antihistamines are making me a bit dopey, I think.
02:23Yes.
02:25Anyway, you have a nice time over there.
02:29How was she?
02:30Yes, what?
02:31Same as usual.
02:33Where have the curtains gone?
02:35Oh, yes, I took them down to the dry cleaners for you.
02:38And the ones in the front bedroom.
02:40Talk about long overdue for a wash.
02:45Did they come to take that picture back?
02:48Picture?
02:50The enlargement we had done at the Photoshop that went horribly wrong.
02:54They said they'd pick it up about four o'clock.
02:56Oh, yes, yes, I remember now, yes.
02:59No, they didn't.
03:02Unless it was them at the front door when I was in the bath.
03:06About four o'clock time.
03:09Oh, and I turned off the central heating.
03:12I didn't think it was helping Nicky's tummy bug.
03:16Wasn't it?
03:18According to my book, it's not very good for cockatiels.
03:21Too much hot air with no moisture.
03:23No.
03:25Quite good for drying out wallpaper, possibly.
03:27But not for his little tummy.
03:31Anyway, I'd better be getting on up now, then.
03:34Take my face off.
03:36See you in the morning, Margaret.
03:38Night, Jean.
03:48And now she'll be in that bloody bathroom for an hour and a half
03:52taking her face off.
03:54Bottle of hydrochloric acid.
03:56We could do it in ten seconds.
03:59That is a lot worse than her.
04:01You've just got to have a bit of patience.
04:06It seems to be doing the trick, the end of it.
04:09What's that?
04:11Whatever it is that person does to your feet
04:14and that quack you started going to in Bambury Crescent.
04:17She's not a quack.
04:19It's called reflexology.
04:21It's a recognised science.
04:23She just stimulates different parts of your foot
04:26and it reduces all your anxiety and stress.
04:28And you come away ready to cope with life's little problems.
04:38It'll never last.
04:40You cocky little bastard!
04:44You know what you can do with it as well, don't you?
04:47I don't care!
04:49Where have my bloody money gone?
04:51Where have my bloody money gone?
05:12Morning.
05:13Just thought I'd get some of the filth out of these cupboards for you.
05:17Well, I don't suppose you get the time, do you?
05:20I mean, you couldn't hope to keep this place spotless
05:23and I wouldn't expect it of you.
05:25I take it there's still no news, then,
05:27of when you could move back into your flat?
05:30Oh, no.
05:31Well, obviously, they can't start pumping it out
05:34until the rains have let out.
05:36No.
05:41Any time you like, matey.
05:43Wherever you like.
05:45Unbelievable!
05:47Do you see what he's done?
05:49Who?
05:50That chimney sweep working number 12 across the road.
05:53He'd only stuck his ballon out bloody front lawn.
05:56I'll give him nowhere else to park, cocky bastard.
06:01He wasn't going to move it either
06:03if I hadn't threatened to let his tyres down.
06:06Sweep his chimney for him next time he tries that lock.
06:09Oh, is that this morning's local?
06:12Is that this morning's local?
06:15Exclusive pics from MP's gay love nest.
06:19More rubbish they've dug up.
06:22Now, then, now, then, where are we?
06:25I don't suppose for one second that they've printed...
06:29Oh, success.
06:32What? Is your letter in there, then?
06:34Yes.
06:36Oh, can you believe this?
06:41Listen to this.
06:43On Monday night, I wrote to your paper
06:46complaining about supermarket trolleys and public lavatories.
06:49I was somewhat alarmed to find my letter signed
06:52Polly the Penguin of the Oswestry Park Bird Sanctuary.
06:56While elsewhere on the page was a report incorrectly stating
07:00that I had just laid a five-pound egg for the first time in captivity.
07:04Greater accuracy by your proofreaders in future
07:07would be much appreciated.
07:09That's what you wrote, wasn't it?
07:11Yes, that's what I wrote, but look what's underneath.
07:14Yours sincerely, Mildred Herring, 13 boss over 100.
07:21I mean, I don't believe... How do they make these mistakes?
07:25Who the hell's Mildred Herring?
07:28I think she's the editor, isn't she?
07:31Yes, look, up here.
07:33If you have any views about local matters,
07:36please send them to the editor, Victor Meldrew, 19...
07:42Exactly the same thing.
07:44Bloody paper. I mean, how do they make these mistakes?
07:48I don't know why I...
07:50Oh, oh, what's in the name of bloody hell?
07:58Don't touch it!
08:06I still have this ruddy thing.
08:09And the points are all rusty as...
08:12When did you last have a tetanus?
08:22Just stand there and don't panic.
08:25I think we've got some lint upstairs.
08:32This one is beginning to relax a bit as well.
08:35Oh, if it's not one thing...
08:38She's off to that bloody hospital now, I suppose.
08:41Hang around there for three hours.
08:48I mean, you can't come down to breakfast without getting a spank up your...
08:55Oh, yes, how extremely sight-splittingly funny.
08:58That's just about the level of your...
09:05Oh!
09:17Morning, Mr Meldrew.
09:19You need a bat?
09:23No.
09:25Bit of a maze at the moment, isn't it?
09:28Just up here getting a tetanus booster.
09:31So, what about...
09:33Oh, yes, fine, thank you, yes.
09:35I'm only in for an overnight, not before time.
09:38My foreskin's been on the waiting list nearly three years.
09:44Terrible when you get stuck in a bottleneck like that.
09:49A big one?
09:50I wasn't sorry to see the back of it, I don't mind seeing it.
09:53Actually, I'm glad I've bumped into you,
09:55only we've got a bit of a do-on at home tomorrow night.
09:58It's the annual knees-up of the Dixon of Dot Green Appreciation Society
10:01and things can sometimes get a bit merry around about half-past nine,
10:05so do feel free to bang on the wall, won't you?
10:08I'd hate to think we were causing a nuisance.
10:10Ah, yes, well, I'm sure as shouldn't ever.
10:13Anyway, better see if I can find my way out now, I suppose,
10:17and good luck with the other.
10:20Oh, thank you very much.
10:22See down the end where they've taken all the plaster off?
10:25Mm-hm.
10:27Turn right there and you'll be out in the car park.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:34Yes.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:46Well, that was as clear as mud.
10:50Two and a half hours and I still haven't the faintest idea what it was all about.
10:54You can't beat a good mystery.
10:57LAUGHTER
11:00I mean, who did it, then, in the end?
11:03LAUGHTER
11:07The short, fat one with the ginger moustache.
11:10How could it have been her?
11:12LAUGHTER
11:14She fell out of a helicopter halfway through going over Cheddar Gorge.
11:18Ah, but you never saw her hit the ground, did you?
11:22That's where they were clever.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:27I wonder who they were meant to be.
11:32And another thing, if that man who looked like David Dimbleby
11:35was supposed to know who the killer was,
11:37why did he arrange to meet him under a bridge at half-past three in the morning?
11:41And who was that dwarf in the bowler hat
11:44that kept running through the woods in slow motion?
11:47Never did find out what that was all about.
11:50Ah, it's only a story.
11:54Oh, are you going for another session
11:57with your reflexologist tomorrow in Bambury Crescent?
12:01I was planning to, yes.
12:03Only I wondered if you'd just pop by the flat for me
12:07and pick up a few clothes.
12:09I've written a list out here.
12:14Yes, I expect so.
12:17How exactly does it work again, this treatment?
12:20Doctor, I was wondering if I ought to book myself a few sessions.
12:24Well, there's nothing much to it, really.
12:26You just lie back and close your eyes
12:29and you go off into a kind of trance.
12:31Then she just manipulates different bits of your feet
12:35with her little finger.
12:37And then 20 minutes later, you come away and it's wonderful.
12:41Feeling all relaxed and tickety.
12:44Why did those detectives ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
12:51To eliminate him from their inquiries.
12:56Oh, I see.
12:58The police can use sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people.
13:06Don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads.
13:09Don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads.
13:14Don't deserve a purpose.
13:19How's Nicky's tummy today? Did you take him up to the bird hospital?
13:22Yes, they put him on to some antibiotic millet,
13:25which is supposed to be very good.
13:31This is nice.
13:33Not that I can taste it with my allergy, of course.
13:36Might be absolutely horrible.
13:40I'm sure it's really delicious.
13:46So, whose head was that in the fridge?
13:49That never fitted into the plot either, as far as I could see.
13:53That was her boyfriend, wasn't it?
13:55So who killed him, then?
13:57Nobody. I thought he was supposed to have committed suicide.
14:01What? And then stuck his own head in the fridge?
14:05I don't know how on earth you're meant to fathom these things out.
14:08I mean, you say it's just a story, but there's got to be some point to it all.
14:12I mean, you can't just have a lot of weird things all happening for no reason.
14:15Why not?
14:19Well, because.
14:21Otherwise, nothing that happens would make any sense.
14:25No.
14:27No.
14:57Oh, God.
15:27Oh, God.
15:57Dear Editor,
15:59I wonder if through your columns I might express
16:03my concern about several loose paving slabs
16:06outside the off-licence in Gosport Terrace.
16:10Oh, yes, I agree with that one.
16:12I wish I was the editor of that thing.
16:15A few letters I'd print in it, straight away, I'll tell you.
16:20Dear Mr. Meldrew,
16:22I was utterly appalled by your front-page article
16:25featuring photos of our local MP and his partner
16:30taken through a bedroom window.
16:32There is no justification for this blatant invasion of privacy.
16:36Oh, yes, a lot of letters about that one.
16:40When you cleaned this cage out this morning...
16:43Yes?
16:45...are you sure you closed the door properly?
16:47Why? What are you...?
16:50Oh, my God.
16:53Oh, my God.
16:55Nicky! Nicky!
16:57Where is he?
16:59Oh, my God!
17:01I knew this would happen someday!
17:03Where are you, Nicky?
17:05Keep calm, Mrs. Warboys.
17:07We didn't do anything. Mrs. Warboys!
17:09No, Mrs. Warboys, I'm sorry, but no.
17:12I just thought I saw something fluttering up there.
17:15I'm not climbing up another bloody tree
17:17just to bring down a piece of soggy white toilet paper.
17:20How did it end up there, anyway?
17:22What if he's been eaten by a cat?
17:24Well, at least he'll be in the dry.
17:26I feel like a drowned rat.
17:30Key, Mr. Melville?
17:33This morning, you asked if you could borrow my key for the day
17:36so you could...
17:38I left it in the hall table for you to...
17:46Do it!
17:48Do it!
17:51Margaret will be back soon.
17:53Not for another hour, she won't.
17:55You'll stay here to feast to death.
18:01PHONE RINGS
18:07Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:09It sounds like a right old to-do, doesn't it?
18:11Anyway, now you're inside, you can get dried off
18:14and come inside and join in the fun.
18:16Everybody, this is Mr. Meldrew from next door
18:20and his friend Mrs. Warboys.
18:22They've been looking for their cockatiel
18:24and got locked out of the house, if you can believe such a thing.
18:27What do we say to them?
18:29Evening, all.
18:31Now, would either of you like a nice strong drop of whisky
18:34to warm yourselves up?
18:36Oh, yes, that wouldn't go amiss, thank you very much.
18:38No, no, no, you have to say,
18:40no, thank you, sir, not while I'm on duty.
18:42So, in spite of the silliness, Mr. Christmas,
18:44would you pop through and put the kettle on again, will you?
18:46And now, Mr. Partridge and Mr. Gallimore,
18:48if you'd both like to budge up so that they can sit down.
18:51There we are. That's the ticket.
18:54Now, I don't know if you're into party games at all,
18:57but we were just in the middle of a bout of hangman,
19:00so do feel free to join in.
19:02Now, who's go? Well, it was yours, Mr. Gallimore, I think.
19:05Er, gee.
19:07No, no, I don't think he's going to make it easy.
19:09Mr. Meldrew, you care to have a stab at it at all?
19:14LAUGHTER
19:41LAUGHTER
19:44Bye, Mr. Gallimore. See you very soon.
19:52Where have you been until this hour?
19:56God, 20 past nine.
19:59I'm ready for a bath.
20:01Sir, this evening's local.
20:03Don't expect they've printed that second correction yet.
20:06I went for a drink with Meg after work.
20:09I did ring, but of course there was no answer.
20:11Oh, you're back!
20:13Can you believe it?
20:16All the time we've been out searching for...
20:19Oh, you little terror!
20:21We've been climbing up trees and everything.
20:24Come along. Let's get you upstairs.
20:28My...
20:30God!
20:33I feel as though I've been up the Amazon and back today.
20:36I do straight.
20:38Oh, yes.
20:40The old tension coming on again, is it?
20:44I expect you need another session with your reflexologist in Banbury Crescent.
20:50Quite soothing, is it, the treatment you get up there?
20:54Yes, why?
20:56As you're lying on a bed with your eyes closed, drifting into a trance.
21:01Quite soothing, as she runs her little finger over your feet.
21:06I told you, yes, why?
21:08And you're quite sure, are you, that it's her little finger she's using?
21:14Yes, of course. What do you mean?
21:17Oh, just something I read in here.
21:20In this article on the growing problem of suburban prostitution.
21:27I wonder if this strikes a chord at all.
21:30An interview with bored housewife Vicki, 32,
21:36who entertains a wide variety of clients
21:39behind the lace curtains of her bungalow in Banbury Crescent.
21:45I get all kinds coming round.
21:48Young and old.
21:50They all look normal, but you'd be surprised at the things they ask you to do.
21:54One bloke likes me walking across his back in high-heeled shoes.
22:00Another, elderly gent,
22:03pays me just to stroke the soles of his feet with my breasts.
22:13I suppose it takes all sorts.
22:18Just remind me, will you, how this all started in the first place?
22:24Hmm?
22:26Well, it was Big Jeff in the chip shop.
22:30He said he went to this woman who had a magic touch with feet
22:34and he got rid of all his stress and tension and did I want her telephone number?
22:39So you went round and asked if she would do the same for you as she did for him.
22:45Well, yes, I mean, I just...
22:48I don't know what to say.
22:50Come away all relaxed and tickety.
22:54Five times you...
22:57But, I mean, where did I get the idea that she was a reflexologist?
23:01Where do you get any of your ideas, Victor?
23:04You tell me, because I just...
23:07I mean, nobody would believe it, would they?
23:10That someone could lie there with a nipple between their toes and not even realise.
23:16But you talk about things making sense.
23:20Well, I mean, I don't understand.
23:24I mean, she just... Oh!
23:27My punctures are giving me jip again.
23:30I suppose I'd better go and put some ointment on them.
23:33Look, Margaret, I'm...
23:36LAUGHTER
23:48Ah, well, that's a happy ending, isn't it, after all?
23:56I wonder where he'd got to all that while.
23:59I suppose it'll just have to remain a mystery like a lot of things.
24:03Oh, excuse me.
24:06Not getting any better, then?
24:08Sorry?
24:09Your hay fever.
24:11Oh, no, I'm fine with pollen.
24:13That's not the problem at all.
24:15It's the feathers that set me off.
24:18Feathers?
24:20Yes, I've always been cursed with that, since I was a girl.
24:23Then why on earth have you got a bird as a pet if you're allergic to feathers?
24:28I never really thought about it like that.
24:34The pleasure it gives me and the companionship are the important things.
24:40Well, I mean, you put up with all the misery, don't you,
24:45if it's something you love?
24:53You ready for a cup of tea?
24:55Oh, yes, Jean.
24:57Let's do it, then.
25:23Victoria!
25:25I'll be down in just a second.
25:41Tonight, as the fury mounts over a local newspaper's
25:44unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of its MP,
25:47we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew, a taste of his own medicine.
25:53If you ask a question, you can dish it out to others,
25:56but can you take it yourself?