Little Britain S02 E01 - Episode #2.1
Transcript
00:01Vicky Pollard is well known in her local supermarket
00:04and is on first name terms with most of the security staff.
00:18Well, you're that pervert!
00:20I've told you before, you've got to put the pick and mix in a bag.
00:23God, you're so racist!
00:25I'm going to give you a test.
00:29All right, now...
00:32Are you going to pay for those?
00:34No, but... Yeah, but... No, but...
00:36Yeah, because I was just about to do it if you had three ads!
00:39It's so unfair! And I never even did nothing or nothing!
00:42This is like being back on sports, though!
00:44If anyone thinks anything of Michelle Pooh,
00:46because it was all at the leisure centre,
00:48and Michelle Pooh put her hands out the chocolate machine
00:50to try and pitch a pack of paint puppets,
00:52anyway, don't listen to her if everyone knows she's done it with an Alsatian.
00:55OK, I think it's time to go now.
00:57Don't worry, I was going anyway, even before you just said that,
01:00because I, like, well hate this shop,
01:02because Bethany Rae got a Saturday job here
01:04and someone found a dead rat in the chocolate raisins
01:06and someone thought it was chocolate and they bought it and ate it
01:08and came back the next week and said,
01:10have you got any more of those chocolate rats?
01:12And that was true, I swear on Duncan Atta Blue's life.
01:14Can you come back in, please?
01:16Oh, my God, this is well harassment!
01:18I'm going to take this to the court of human rights.
01:20You can't really do this because you're in love with me
01:22and you're trying to, like, gay me up.
01:24This is well out of order.
01:26See, totally innocent. I-N-A innocent.
01:30What's this?
01:32I bought that earlier.
01:38Morning! Afternoon!
01:40These men are transvestites and prefer to dress as ladies.
01:44I myself am happy in both male and female clothing,
01:47as I was born without genitals.
01:50Two ladies on a bicycle, that is all.
01:53Never leave!
01:55Now, Florence, my dear,
01:57remember, we are two ladies taking afternoon tea.
02:01Yes, Emily.
02:03I know this is all very new to you,
02:05but the trick is not to draw attention to yourself.
02:09Two ladies for tea, please!
02:11Yes, of course. This way.
02:13Ladies first. I am also a lady.
02:15Oh, yes. Here we are.
02:17Florence, do take a seat.
02:19No, after you, Emily.
02:21Florence, I insist. No, Emily, please.
02:23We're both ladies. Who sits first?
02:31Sit down.
02:33Merci.
02:35Thank you.
02:37Florence, regardez le menu.
02:39So many delicious foods and drinks that a lady might enjoy.
02:43Yes, it all looks so nice, doesn't it, my lady friend?
02:46I don't know what to have.
02:48Will you be having cake?
02:50If they have a lady's cake, then yes,
02:52but only if we are ladies, aren't we?
02:54Yes, we are most definitely two of them, yes.
02:56Two ladies!
02:58Why don't you order for both of us?
03:00I'm off to powder my nose.
03:04Avador!
03:06Oh, yes.
03:08And don't forget to sit down when you piss.
03:12At this house bar in Trump,
03:14the manager is keen to have a word with one of the guests.
03:17Mrs de Beer? Sorry, Mrs de Beer?
03:19Pardon me, Bubbles. Everybody dance.
03:21Do you mind if we walk and talk, darling?
03:23I have an allergy. Rapid 3.
03:25Yeah, it's really just about this payment situation.
03:27You've been with us for over five months now.
03:29We still haven't received anything.
03:31Oh, that's terrible, terrible, darling. It's outrageous.
03:33Has my husband still not sent the cheque?
03:35No, I'm afraid not. We can't seem to track him down.
03:37Have you tried him on the Monte Carlo number, darling?
03:39No, I don't have it.
03:41Have you got a pen, darling? Um, yeah.
03:43The number is...
03:451-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9.
03:47OK, darling?
03:49Mrs de Beer?
03:51Mrs de Beer!
03:53Hello, Dieter. My turn now, darling.
03:55Oh, sorry, Felix, don't...
03:57Oh, sorry, darling. See you at dinner.
03:59Never, never, never let this girl go.
04:01Naughty. What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.
04:05We need to resolve this now.
04:07Very well, Mr Hutton.
04:09Then we shall resolve it.
04:19Are you a married man, Mr Hutton?
04:23Yes, I am.
04:25And yet you allow yourself to be alone in a room
04:27with a rather beautiful woman.
04:29That's very dangerous, don't you think?
04:31I just really need the cheque.
04:33I just really need the cheque.
04:35Very clever, darling.
04:45I'm sure we can come
04:47to some sort of arrangement
04:49this time.
05:03It is a quarter to half-past five
05:05and Lou is taking Andy back home
05:07from the shops.
05:25Did you enjoy that?
05:27All right.
05:29Oh, look.
05:31It's your favourite. The price is right.
05:33Yeah, I know.
05:35It's always nice to meet the stars of our show,
05:37whoever you are.
05:39I'll get to tell her
05:41if I've watched enough.
05:43Come on down!
05:45Come on down!
05:47Come on down!
05:49Come on down!
05:51Andy Pipkin,
05:53come on down!
05:59Come on down!
06:01Come on down!
06:03You are the first four detectives
06:05on The Price is Right.
06:07Come on down!
06:09One thing this country does better
06:11than all the others is fakes.
06:13We can proudly boast that Britain
06:15is the fake capital of the world.
06:17That's cakes done.
06:19What's next, Judy?
06:21Next bet is jams.
06:23Jams. Jolly good.
06:25Thank you, Judy. Now, what's this?
06:27Um, not my favourite conserve, Judy.
06:29Oh, my, Maggie.
06:31But we soldier on. Right.
06:33Hmm.
06:35It's actually not bad for a plum.
06:37It's actually rather good. Who made this?
06:39Um, Emma Sheffield.
06:41Who?
06:43Emma Sheffield, the one who ran off with the schoolmistress.
06:45Oh.
06:47Oh!
06:49Oh!
06:51Oh!
06:53Are you all right, Maggie?
06:55Please, Judy. No more lesbian jam.
06:57I can't keep it down.
06:59Sorry, Maggie. I'll make amends.
07:01Oh.
07:03I'm assuming this is raspberry.
07:05It's not properly labelled.
07:07Oh.
07:09Hmm.
07:11Not unpleasant. Who made this?
07:13Um, Sarah Tennant. Remind me.
07:15Sarah Tennant, the one who's married to the man who...
07:17I'm sorry?
07:19Who married someone who...
07:21Who did what? Who married a black man.
07:23Hmm.
07:25Oh!
07:27Oh!
07:29Oh.
07:31Oh, Judy. You could have warned me.
07:33I'm so sorry, Maggie.
07:35Do you want to carry on?
07:37Yes, yes. We've got to get this done.
07:39Yes.
07:41Well, next, Maggie, we have
07:43a breakfast marmalade.
07:45Hmm.
07:47Hmm. Very nice.
07:49Hmm. Quite tangy.
07:51Put down tangy.
07:53Hmm. Very nice.
07:55Who made this?
07:57Sanjana Patel.
07:59Oh!
08:01Oh!
08:03Oh!
08:05Oh!
08:07Oh!
08:09Oh!
08:11Oh!
08:13Right.
08:15That's jams done, then.
08:17Pastries.
08:19In the small mining village of Chandawi-Brethi
08:21lies the home of homosexual gay
08:23David Thomas.
08:25Morning, David.
08:27Gay rights now!
08:31It says here there was a bucket
08:33stolen in the village on Tuesday.
08:35Oh, it's a crime, whizz.
08:39Mont...
08:41벤.
08:43Morning, Sam.
08:45There's something about The Keen Brothers
08:47I think, um, there's something important I have to tell you both.
08:52Put your paper down, Dad. Now, what is it you want to say?
08:56Now, you know I haven't really had any girlfriends.
08:59Well, you used to go out with that girl from the abattoir.
09:02Yes, that was just a phase. Please, don't mention that again.
09:05What about the girl at school, the one with the lazy eye?
09:08I thought you were quite taken with her.
09:10Again, the folly of youth. No.
09:12What I have to tell you both is that I am...
09:15asthmatic?
09:17No. I am...
09:20a gay.
09:24Oh, that's nice of you. Yeah, good for you, lad.
09:27Well, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.
09:31So you don't mind? No.
09:33So you're not going to disown me or cast me asunder?
09:36Me? Oh, no.
09:38To be honest, lad, we did have an inkling.
09:42So you've got a boyfriend, then? No.
09:45Have you not had any arse action at all?
09:48No.
09:50But I have been thinking about it, which may shock you.
09:53Oh, I will have to try and fix you up with someone.
09:55Well, that won't be very easy, as I am the only gay in the village.
09:59Come to think of it, there's a right handsome lad who works down the mine.
10:03He takes it up the chuff.
10:05No, thank you.
10:07I know who's mad for cock.
10:11That chap runs a sauna, you know, Gayaled.
10:14Gayaled is not gay.
10:16Your uncle glimpsed at him.
10:18Apparently, he's very into water sports.
10:21That's nice for them.
10:24Anyway, what I think we should do is invite the whole family around here on Sunday
10:28and I can tell them all then. I don't expect they'll like it, but it's time they knew.
10:31Oh, I don't think this Sunday's going to be much good.
10:33Your uncle, Gareth, he's gone to San Francisco.
10:36Your cousin Brynne is going to Neath to watch Shirley Bassey.
10:39What about Auntie Seanette?
10:40Oh, no, she just stays in on a Sunday and eats minge.
10:50When I see a fat person in the street, I spit on them as I would a dog
10:54and would encourage you to do the same.
10:57Ah, you've put on three grams.
10:59You've been noshing again, haven't you?
11:01Next time you feel peckish, have a bit of dust, yeah?
11:04Right, do you want to waddle back to your seat?
11:07Now, those of you who read the Fat Fighters newsletter
11:11will be aware that Fat Fighters has got a new spokesperson
11:15and we're very lucky because she's paying a visit to our branch tonight.
11:19So will you please give a warm welcome to Vanessa Feltz.
11:24Vanessa.
11:26Vanessa Feltz.
11:29My good friend Vanessa Feltz from the television.
11:32Come and sit down next to me.
11:34Vanessa Feltz.
11:38So, Vanessa Feltz, you and...
11:42I know you won't mind me saying it, you were fat.
11:46No, we're all friends here, we can say it.
11:48And then, you lost it all, didn't you?
11:50Well, the thing is, I was going through a traumatic divorce at the time.
11:53Yeah, then you piled it back on, didn't you?
11:55I saw a picture of you looking really big inside the boat and I didn't know
11:57what the last thing she needs right now with all that's happening to her.
11:59Well, that's why I wanted to get involved in Fat Fighters.
12:01Yeah, then you lost it all again, didn't you?
12:03Yes, but I think I've reached a...
12:04Yeah, so what are you doing now, going up or down or...?
12:06Well, I hope I've reached my optimum weight.
12:08Because I think it's very important when you're dieting to realise
12:10actually when that point comes, you know?
12:13Well, I think you could lose another stone.
12:16Okay, fatties, so it's a question and answer with Vanessa Feltz.
12:22Now, who's got a question for Vanessa?
12:24But I will say this, Vanessa will not want to answer questions about the divorce
12:28or the time she went a bit loopy-loo on that I'm a celebrity big brother.
12:31Oh, and another thing, don't ask her about the whole marriage to Grant Bovey
12:34thing with the chocolate at her wedding.
12:35She's put that behind her.
12:36That was amputee-turner.
12:37Well, I don't think you can blame Anthea for that, but anyway...
12:41Vanessa?
12:42Hi, Mira.
12:43You must have tried many diets in your time.
12:45What was the worst diet you were on?
12:48Well...
12:49Couldn't understand a word.
12:50Sorry, Vanessa, she is Asian.
12:52I should have warned you.
12:53Listen from an English person.
12:55Yes, Pat.
12:56Hello, Vanessa.
12:57Hi, Pat.
12:58First off, Vanessa, I must say what an inspiration it is to see
13:01larger frame women like yourself on TV.
13:03Oh, thanks, Pat.
13:04But what I wanted to know...
13:05Oh, she's written a bloody essay.
13:08Was it quite a struggle for you to get on TV?
13:10It's just, um, I'd love to be a TV presenter,
13:13but I feel like my size might hold me back.
13:15Well, I think it is hard.
13:16Yeah, I do.
13:17What? Seriously?
13:19Don't make me laugh.
13:21Vanessa may be big, but you are nothing else.
13:25I call her Fat Pat.
13:26Hey, Vanessa?
13:27Well, actually, Marjorie, I'm putting together a new show.
13:29It's about dieting and our attitudes to food.
13:31And I'm looking for some larger people to help present it.
13:33So make sure you give me your phone number
13:35and I'll be in touch with you after this.
13:37Oh, thanks, I will.
13:38Oh, don't worry, Pat.
13:39I'll make sure she gets your number.
13:41I could do that.
13:42I'd love to be on TV.
13:43Oh, sorry, not after what I've seen today.
13:45You're obviously a total cow.
13:47Anybody else?
13:49Yes, I've got a question for you, Vanessa Feltz.
13:55Thank you very much, Vanessa Feltz.
13:58Ooh!
14:02Following the introduction of money to Britain in 1997,
14:05banks like this one were opened.
14:09So how much money do you want to borrow?
14:11£2,000, please.
14:13£2,000.
14:19Computer says no.
14:22Is there nothing we can do?
14:27Right.
14:28Well, maybe if I asked to borrow a bit less.
14:31I don't know, £1,500?
14:33£1,500.
14:39Computer says no.
14:41Oh.
14:42Can I have a word with the manager?
14:47Computer says no.
14:50So that's it? There's nothing you can do?
14:53Give me a minute.
14:55The manager didn't want to borrow £2,000.
15:07Computer says no.
15:15Posh people are much better and cleverer than common people,
15:18and so they live in nicer houses, like this.
15:21Hello, hello!
15:23Hello, love's young dream.
15:25Today, Harvey Pincher's parents are meeting his girlfriend for the first time.
15:29It's a lovely house you have here.
15:31Yes, we're very lucky. It's been in the family for years.
15:34But tell us about you, Jane. Harvey says you work in publishing.
15:37Yes, yes. It's a small house. We mainly do history books.
15:41I tell you a wonderful bed. Bed of Culloden. Any books on that?
15:45What time is dinner, Mummy?
15:47It's going to be about another hour.
15:48But I'm hungry.
15:49Well, you'll have to wait.
15:51So, how did you two meet?
15:53It was actually through a friend that I work with,
15:55who was at Bristol with Harvey.
15:57Bitty.
15:58No, not bitty now, a bitty later.
16:00Bitty.
16:01Now, look, if you have bitty now, you're not going to want any supper, are you?
16:05I want bitty.
16:07Come along, then.
16:10Sorry, Jane, you do carry on.
16:13Um...
16:15You were telling us about how you met.
16:17Oh.
16:19Well, I was at a party and...
16:22Um...
16:24You can't talk, you.
16:26No, but I'd seen you once before at Simon's 30th,
16:28but we didn't really speak then.
16:30No. No, but we sort of...
16:32We sort of...
16:34We sort of...
16:36Noticed each other.
16:38More wine, anybody?
16:40Aye, thank you, Daddy.
16:42You are hungry today, aren't you?
16:45So, do you have your own place in London?
16:48No, no.
16:49My brother and I both still live at home with our parents.
16:52Really?
16:53Yes.
16:54We have tried to move out, but Mum and Dad don't want us to leave.
16:57Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.
17:00Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.
17:03Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.
17:12Welcome to the family.
17:17It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Flem,
17:20Mr Mann is looking for a date.
17:22I had a date once. It was the 11th of November.
17:26Hello.
17:27Hello. So, how can I help you?
17:30I'm looking to meet a woman with the name of Linda Williams.
17:35Right, so you're looking for a specific person?
17:37No, I'm looking to meet any woman with the name of Linda Williams.
17:42Any particular reason?
17:43I like that name.
17:45Right.
17:46It's not my favourite.
17:47No?
17:48No. My favourite name is Catherine Drew.
17:51But at my time of life, you can't afford to be too picky.
17:56Because, as I always say...
18:00Right, OK.
18:02Let's just take down some of your particulars.
18:06What age woman are you looking to meet?
18:09Oh, really, anybody between the ages of 38 and 39.
18:15Right.
18:16Height?
18:17She should have some height, yes.
18:20Hair?
18:21I do prefer it.
18:23No, any particular length?
18:25Oh, anything from here...
18:28...to here.
18:31Right. OK, well, I'll just have a look in the file.
18:37Oh, I can't see anyone in here.
18:39One moment.
18:42Margaret! Margaret!
18:49Yes?
18:50This gentleman here wants to know if we have any women on file by the name of Linda Williams.
18:54Oh, we've got a Lindsay Williams.
18:56We've got a Lindsay Williams?
18:57Absolutely no way.
18:59Absolutely no way!
19:01Oh.
19:02Oh.
19:03There's a Linda Willis?
19:04Oh, yes, there's a Linda Willis.
19:06Would she be interested in changing her name?
19:09Would she be interested in changing her name?
19:12I don't know.
19:13She doesn't know.
19:14Oh.
19:15Oh!
19:16Right, right, have you checked the reg file?
19:18I think there might be a Linda Williams in there.
19:24Oh, yes, how funny.
19:25We do have a Linda Williams, yes.
19:2738.
19:28She's got shoulder-length hair.
19:29Very pretty.
19:33Well?
19:34Well?
19:35Did I mention she should have a glass eye?
19:41Margaret!
19:42Margaret!
19:45Number 10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.
19:48Of course, I was asked to be Prime Minister,
19:50but it clashed with the voiceover I was doing for Cadbury's Mini Eggs.
19:54Here are the policy documents for the NATO summit, Prime Minister.
20:00Thank you.
20:01And I'll need one of you to come with me to Bruges this evening
20:04in advance of the talks tomorrow.
20:06Oh!
20:07Oh!
20:13Gregory, would you like to go?
20:15I'd be delighted, Prime Minister.
20:17Would you go and pack my case for me?
20:19With pleasure, Prime Minister.
20:20But I know where your pants and socks are.
20:24And if you'd make sure that the car's standing by, Gregory?
20:27Yes, Prime Minister.
20:28Yes, Prime Minister. No, Prime Minister.
20:30Be thankful, Prime Minister.
20:36Yeah?
20:37New Leader of the Opposition is here to see you, Prime Minister.
20:39Thank you. Send him up.
20:42You don't have a problem with me taking Gregory to the summit, do you?
20:45No, no, I'm not bothered, no. You guys have fun.
20:49It's just that I...
20:50Don't touch me, please!
20:54Come in.
20:56Oh!
20:57So, this would be my office.
21:02Hi, Mike. How are you?
21:03Don't get too used to it, Philip.
21:09My aide, Sebastian Love.
21:11Oh, hi.
21:13Just need to search you.
21:15OK.
21:17Sebastian, I don't think that's necessary.
21:24Philip, please, take a seat.
21:25Yes, thank you very much.
21:28The press have been very kind to you today.
21:30Yeah, I was pleasantly surprised.
21:32Even the Guardian were pretty positive.
21:34Yeah, gorgeous photo of him, wasn't it, Michael?
21:37Tea?
21:39I'm sorry?
21:40Cup of tea.
21:41Are you having one?
21:42Don't worry about him, sister. You want one, you have one.
21:45Oh, yes. Thank you very much.
21:48Are you advising your MPs to block the education reforms I'm putting through?
21:52Well, that's the reason you invited me here.
21:54I don't think...
21:56Finger.
21:58I'm sorry?
21:59Chocolate finger.
22:01No, thanks.
22:02Go on, treat yourself.
22:05I like to dump mine and suck off the chocolate.
22:12Sebastian, thank you.
22:15Sebastian, thank you.
22:21I just don't see that these reforms need to turn into a party political issue.
22:26Oh, don't let him bully you.
22:28I think it's a matter between me and the Shadow Cabinet.
22:30Yeah, you go for it, girl.
22:34I'd better be going. I've got an interview with Paxman in a couple of minutes.
22:37Oh, good luck.
22:38He had you, didn't he?
22:39He did not.
22:41Well, it's nice to see you again, Michael.
22:43And good luck with the NATO summit.
22:45Thank you.
22:46Are you going, Sebastian?
22:47No, he's taking a black boy.
22:52Well, it's nice to meet you.
22:54I'll text you my number, yeah?
22:57Yes, thank you.
22:59Thank you.
23:08Sebastian, that was an extraordinary display.
23:11Ooh, jealous!
23:18It's half past, Tommy, and Judy and Maggie have completed their judging.
23:22Ladies, thank you so much for judging the jams.
23:27It was a pleasure, Vicar.
23:29Care for a fairy cake?
23:30Yes, thank you very much.
23:31Yes, thank you.
23:33Oh, these look lovely.
23:36Delicious.
23:37These were actually made by the people in the homeless shelter.
23:58Oh!
24:09After a morning spent removing all the caves from Andy's Alphabetti Spaghetti,
24:13Lou is taking his friend to the park.
24:17Don't eat all the bread, that's for the ducks.
24:19Yeah, I know.
24:20Oi!
24:21I said...
24:22Come over here and see that.
24:24Right above it.
24:25For the sake of a mask, we'll just ignore it.
24:30Someone should give them a lot of smack.
24:32I thought you said you were against violence.
24:34I thought you said that violence is the last bastion of moral cowardice.
24:37Yeah, I know.
24:38Well, leave it then.
24:39Come on, let's feed the ducks.
24:41Oi! Oi, Douglas!
24:42Oh, it's peaceful here, isn't it?
24:45That's what I like.
24:47It's hard to really think and reflect on your life.
24:50I find the water very calming.
24:52I know you do, too.
24:54Especially on a day like today.
24:56Absolutely magical.
24:58All the troubles in the world float away.
25:02Oh, good, they've gone.
25:04See?
25:05Right above it.
25:06Yeah, I know.