Little Britain S01 E08 - Largest Mince Pie
Transcript
00:00In her bedsit on this estate in Darkly Noon, young mother Vicky Pollard is meeting her
00:07social worker.
00:08So how are you coping with everything, Vicky?
00:09You know, because it was so fun.
00:10Because the other day, we was all in the park and we was all laughing because Nicola said
00:11she was going to set fire to Candice's hair.
00:12But then Ryan Morris backed in, you know, I hate it, and we started getting off together
00:13and he phlegmed in my mouth and I was like, oh my God, I so can't believe we just done
00:14that.
00:15Then there was this whole other thing, because you know Amanda Key, right?
00:16Well, she told Ian Bucking she'd do it for a cream egg.
00:17So you're fine?
00:18Good.
00:19And how's the baby?
00:20Fine.
00:21Or can it be fine?
00:22Can it be fine?
00:23Can it be fine?
00:24Can it be fine?
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01:00Can it be fine?
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01:21Can it be fine?
01:23Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops.
01:25This isn't a toy shop.
01:26This isn't a toy shop.
01:27It's a real shop.
01:28It's a real shop.
01:40Hello, are you looking for anything in particular?
01:42Yes, I was wondering whether you had any pirate memory games
01:45suitable for children between the ages of four and eight.
01:48Er, I'll just have a look.
01:52I can't see any here.
01:53One moment.
01:55Margaret!
01:56Margaret!
02:04Yes?
02:05There's a gentleman here who wants to know if we've got any pirate memory games.
02:08Ages four to...
02:09Ages four to eight.
02:10We should have some.
02:12What about the farm toys?
02:16Oh, yes.
02:17Here they are.
02:18Pieces of eight.
02:19A pirate memory game.
02:21Ages four to eight.
02:23Can I have a look?
02:24There you go.
02:26Match the pirates and find the treasure.
02:29That's all right for you?
02:35Have you got any other pirate memory games?
02:38Erm...
02:39It's not quite what I had in mind.
02:44I can't see any here.
02:46One moment.
02:47Margaret!
02:48Margaret!
02:49What?
02:50Have we got any other pirate memory games?
02:52What?
02:53Have we got any other pirate memory games?
02:55No!
02:56No.
02:57I think that's the only one they do.
02:58She says she thinks that's the only one they do.
03:00What's wrong with that one?
03:01What's wrong with that one?
03:02I wanted something a little less pirate-y.
03:04He wanted something a little less pirate-y!
03:06All right.
03:07Have you tried Simmons?
03:08Have you tried Simmons on the High Street?
03:10Yes, I've just been there.
03:11Oh, I don't know what to suggest.
03:13Is there a shop near here that specialises in pirate memory games?
03:16Er, I'm not sure.
03:18Margaret'll know.
03:19One moment.
03:20Margaret!
03:21Margaret!
03:22Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games?
03:25Near here.
03:26Near here?
03:27I don't think there are any in the local area, no.
03:30She says she doesn't think there are any in the local area, no.
03:33OK, I'll, er...
03:35I'll just wait.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:45Meanwhile, the fatties arrive for their weekly meeting.
03:50Paul, can I just, er, have a quick word with you?
03:53Paul, what happened last night was just a one-off.
03:56Yeah, I was going to say something.
03:58I don't know what came over me.
03:59I think I had a bit too much to drink.
04:01Yeah, I had more, but whatever, it's not going to happen again.
04:04Anyway, let's just try and forget about it and not let it come into the meeting.
04:08All right.
04:12OK, welcome to Fat Fighters.
04:16Now, today, we're going to be talking about motivation.
04:20You all need a little bit more motivation.
04:23So what we're going to do, we're going to start with a little exercise.
04:26I want everybody to close their eyes.
04:28Close your eyes, yeah?
04:30Empty your thoughts, that's it, yeah?
04:33And picture yourself naked.
04:36Not nice, is it? Eh?
04:38Now, who the hell would want a great lump like that
04:40huffing and puffing away on top of them all night?
04:43Eyes closed, Paul.
04:48In Herbie, Lou Todd has kindly offered to paint his friend Andy's bedroom.
04:53Now, are you sure you want red?
04:56Yeah.
04:57Cos I've got a very nice blue here. You like blue.
04:59Yeah, I know.
05:00But you'd rather have red?
05:02Red, yeah.
05:03Well, you did ask for red last time and then you said you didn't like it.
05:07You said it was oppressive.
05:09You said red was the colour of blood and henceforth death.
05:11Yeah, I know.
05:13So what's it to be?
05:14Red.
05:15Yeah, but I'm not painting it once and then having to do it again
05:19cos you say you don't like it, cos that's a right kerfuffle.
05:22I know.
05:23So, final choice, red.
05:26Red, yeah.
05:33Do you, er...
05:35Do you want to do the last little bit?
05:37Yeah.
05:38OK.
05:40Here we go.
05:47Yeah, finished.
05:53I don't like red.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:08For 20 years now, Len Booth has been taking visitors
06:12on his tour of the charming village of Poves.
06:15OK, ladies and gents, first up, on your right, is St Robin's Church.
06:20The church was built in 1508,
06:23although there was actually a fire here in 1812
06:26and the original wooden roof was destroyed.
06:29It's a funny thing, actually, I will always have fond memories of that church
06:33because it was on that bench there that me and my wife Eileen first kissed.
06:37And we've been married 32 years this year.
06:40Thank you very much.
06:42Now, next up is The Hanging Judge,
06:46which is actually the oldest pub in Pove.
06:49Dates back to, we think, 1604.
06:52Why it's called The Hanging Judge, no-one seems to know.
06:55Incidentally, just in the beer garden by the swings
06:58is where Eileen first permitted me to have a little go on her breasts.
07:03OK, we're coming up now to the old bridge,
07:08which actually goes back to Roman times.
07:11And it was actually underneath this bridge
07:14that my wife first performed an act of oral love upon me.
07:17Happy days, yeah.
07:19Sorry, it's a no-smoking vehicle, love.
07:22OK.
07:24Now we are coming up to one of the oldest blacksmiths in the country.
07:29Legend has it that Charles I stopped off there
07:33to get his horse's shoes changed.
07:35And it was just down that path there
07:38that I first took Eileen up the rung.
07:41Moving on.
07:44Meanwhile, at this pub in Llanduibhredi,
07:47the glasses are being collected early because it's a special night.
07:55Oh, Mofanwe, this crisps are cheese and onion.
07:58Oh. Do gay people not like cheese and onion?
08:02Well, I don't, and I am a gay.
08:05I'll open the barbecue beef.
08:07If you wouldn't mind.
08:08I think you're going to get a big crowd in tonight.
08:10I'd be very surprised if anybody turned up at all, Mofanwe.
08:13Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village.
08:16So you keep saying.
08:17Well, it's five to eight, there's no-one here, I might as well go home now.
08:21It's still early, and it says eight o'clock on the posters.
08:24I don't know why I bother putting on this gay night.
08:26It was doomed from the start.
08:28Well, Mofanwe, I imagine I'll always be the only gay in the village.
08:31Good night to you.
08:36Get back! Get back! Get back!
08:38Get back, you gay bastards!
08:43There's elements of them!
08:45What am I going to do?
08:46Well, let them in!
08:47Oh, no, Mofanwe, get rid of them!
08:49I'll do no such thing.
08:50You made your gay bed, now lie in it.
08:54David.
09:02Liza Minnelli!
09:05Thank you.
09:06Now, I'm very sorry, gays, but I'm afraid gay night has been cancelled.
09:12Yes, I've just had a letter from the council
09:15saying that there's only one gay allowed in Llandwy Brefu
09:18and that's me.
09:19So, if you can all return to your neighbouring villages, please.
09:21Oh, no.
09:25Oh, David, you bloody fool.
09:28What?
09:29Well, think of all the cock and bum fun you could have had.
09:33That's the last time I close my pep for one of your gay nights.
09:36Well, you see, you've got someone against gay people, have you?
09:39Samantha Grant recently upset her parents by marrying her former teacher.
09:44In an effort to clear the air, she has invited them round for dinner.
09:48What time are your parents coming?
09:49Maybe a minute now, and I can't find the napkin rings.
09:51Calm down, Samantha.
09:53I just want everything to be right, that's all.
09:55Look, I may have been your teacher, but we're just like any other couple.
10:02The bell is a signal for me, not you.
10:06I'll just put the veg on.
10:08Ah, Mr and Mrs Hughes, please, come in, come in.
10:11Thank you.
10:12Please, sit down.
10:14Right.
10:15Samantha.
10:17Samantha, Samantha, Samantha.
10:21Samantha Carver.
10:22Ah, yes, Samantha Grant.
10:25Yes.
10:26I mean, overall, it's been a good three months of marriage for Samantha.
10:30She's a very clever girl.
10:32She's got a lot to say for herself, sometimes a little too much.
10:36And her work can sometimes be a little slapdash.
10:39What do you mean?
10:40Well, take this, for example.
10:42She's dusted it, obviously, at the last minute,
10:44and she's missed around the edges, so I had to give her six out of ten.
10:49Could you bring in the wine now, please, Samantha?
10:52Walk, don't run.
10:54Sorry.
10:55Still kicking.
10:57Smells lovely, dear.
10:58Oh, we missed you, pet.
11:00Hello, stranger.
11:02How might one order a bottle of wine in France?
11:05Samantha.
11:06Oh, un bouteau de vin, s'il vous plaît.
11:10C'est formidable.
11:12Samantha's very good at oral.
11:17Meanwhile, it is a sad day at Sandy Toksvig House.
11:28We're very sorry for your loss.
11:30Thank you.
11:31Do come in.
11:38She's just through there.
11:43Thank you.
11:45It sounds awful to say, but in a way, it's a relief.
11:49Yes.
11:50She'd been very ill for many years, and we'd had so many scares.
11:54But in the end, it was just very peaceful.
11:57Mr Garfield?
11:58Yes.
11:59Can you come in here, please, a moment?
12:00Excuse me.
12:01Of course.
12:06Come on, Bennett. Kitty wouldn't want you to cry.
12:12Mr Chumley?
12:14Yes?
12:17She's not dead.
12:19No, I know.
12:21I didn't trust you could take her anyway.
12:33Yeah, it's all right, Kitty.
12:37Over ten board games are sold every day in Britain.
12:40The most popular are Ask Alan, Frobisher's Fingers and Pig Dog.
12:50This is the big one. It's called Snakes and Snakes.
12:52Right.
12:53You know Snakes and Ladders?
12:54Yeah.
12:55Well, it's like Snakes and Ladders, but with snakes.
12:57Right.
12:58There is a snake on every square.
13:00Devilishly difficult. No-one's ever finished it.
13:03How's that for starters?
13:06Cut another one!
13:10Milk round.
13:12Right. How does milk round work?
13:14You are a milkman delivering milk or a woman to a house from your van or a flat.
13:18Right. You be the milk bottle, I will be the loaf of bread.
13:22Right. Pick a card.
13:24What's it say?
13:26Two pints of milk, please.
13:27Right. What that means is, please, two pints of milk, please, for house number one.
13:32Right. Roll the dice.
13:34Roll the dice.
13:39I said roll the dice.
13:40Oh, sorry.
13:43Six. Ignore it.
13:44Right. What are you again?
13:45I think I'm the milk bottle.
13:47I wanted to be the milk bottle.
13:49Right. Well, this is all very...
13:50Right. Cut another one.
13:54Scratch would scratch.
13:57Your go.
14:00No.
14:02I don't really know what the...
14:05Oh, I've never seen that move before.
14:08Let me just check the rule book.
14:17Yeah.
14:18You've won. You're a clever one, I'll give you that.
14:21Right. Got another one.
14:22Throw baby, catch baby.
14:23Right.
14:24But you need a real baby.
14:25No.
14:26Cards.
14:27No.
14:28Fighting.
14:29How can I put this?
14:30I'm very sorry, there seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding here.
14:33We are not a games manufacturer.
14:37We've never made games here.
14:39We import tyres.
14:40You do know that.
14:44Your point being?
14:46At Kelsey Grammar School, a new term is beginning.
15:00You may sit.
15:03Right. Let me introduce myself.
15:05My name is Mr Cleaves
15:08and I will be teaching you
15:10biology.
15:15And he never took an assembly again.
15:22This sorbet is delicious.
15:24Did you make it yourself?
15:25Yes, with a little help from Nigella.
15:27What?
15:29I got it out of Nigella Lawson's book.
15:31You copied it from Nigella.
15:34You took the work of another girl and passed it off as your own, right?
15:37In the bin!
15:40I was enjoying that.
15:41Yes, well, no one likes a cheat.
15:46Sorry about that.
15:47He doesn't always treat me like I'm still at school.
15:50Coffee, anyone?
15:51Yes, please.
15:57I think it's wonderful they still do this free milk.
16:01Child labour is thankfully alive and well in Britain.
16:04Today, some child actors are auditioning for a production of Bugsy Malone.
16:11James Wilton and the Ralph Patterson?
16:13It's Ralph.
16:14No pressure, but if you don't get it, we'll have to sell the rabbit.
16:16Come on, I'll do my best.
16:18OK.
16:23Don't forget your tap shoes.
16:25And tell him your cousin was on Double Dare!
16:31Does your boy go up for much?
16:34Oh, no, no, this is his first.
16:36Half of the school play late.
16:38Oh, so he's not at stage school?
16:40Oh, no, no, just normal school.
16:42He don't stand a chance, then.
16:44What you've got to do is you've got to get him into a stage school.
16:47And they're not quite there.
16:48Yeah, but you've got to make sacrifices.
16:50Look, I sold my shoes.
16:52And I'm on the game.
16:54Just so Ray can go to Italia Conti.
16:56So it's good, then?
16:57Oh, it's worth every penny.
16:58He got down to the last 12 for Derry Lee.
17:00And he had a call back for Bodger and Badger.
17:02Really?
17:03Yes, I'm not a liar.
17:06Well, thanks for all your advice, then.
17:09Of course, we always knew he was going to be an actor ever since before he was born.
17:13He's so talented, that's how he gets it from me.
17:15Ray.
17:17Of course, I would have loved to have gone to a stage school.
17:19But my mother wasn't prepared to make the sacrifices I've made.
17:23Still, she's blind now.
17:24That gives me some comfort.
17:27I'm single.
17:28Mr. Wilton.
17:29We'd like to recall James for this afternoon.
17:31Mrs. Patterson, thank you.
17:32You're free to go.
17:34Well done, lad.
17:35Yeah, well done.
17:36Really, really well done.
17:39Is he all right?
17:40He's bleeding.
17:41Oh, he won't be bugging him alone now, will he?
17:44Come on.
17:45Better luck next time, mate.
17:47Crazy.
17:48You'll be all right.
17:49Are you OK?
17:50Let's have a look.
17:51Let's have a look.
17:53Oh, dear.
17:54Oh, dear.
17:55We'll get it cleaned up.
17:57We'll get it cleaned up.
17:58It's party conference time.
18:00And late at night in his hotel room,
18:02the Prime Minister is making some final changes to his big speech.
18:06I love party conferences.
18:07They're brilliant.
18:09I've got them all on video.
18:11This is fine.
18:12Just punch up the stuff about education reform.
18:15Let's call it a night.
18:17OK.
18:18Well, we'll get to work on that.
18:19And we'll see you in the conference hall in the morning.
18:21Good night, Prime Minister.
18:22Good night.
18:26Oh, I thought they'd never leave.
18:29Is there something else you wanted to talk about?
18:31Not really, no.
18:34Oh, I'm shattered.
18:42It's probably the Japanese Prime Minister.
18:45Would you mind?
18:46Oh, can I just use your loo?
18:47Yeah.
18:50Hello?
18:51Yeah, yeah, put him through.
18:52Hello?
18:54Yeah, yeah, put him through.
18:57Kazuko!
18:59Konnichiwa.
19:01Yes, yes, it's coming along.
19:03Look, I've got the treaty right here.
19:07What exactly are your objections to it?
19:11Yeah, no, I do realise it's a very sensitive issue for your people.
19:15Yeah.
19:18No, no, I appreciate your concerns about the second clause.
19:21Well, perhaps we could look at making an amendment that everybody would...
19:26...agree with.
19:27Yes.
19:28No, I shall be meeting with the cabinet tomorrow,
19:30and I think we'll be able...
19:31We'll get a much clearer picture of how we are.
19:34No, I think it's...
19:36I think it's very nearly there.
19:37It's just a...
19:39...couple of details, isn't it?
19:41Hmm?
19:42No, I...
19:43I take it you'll be at the summit on the 15th?
19:46Well, I think it's very important that we have it resolved.
19:48Are you guys going to be long?
19:51Yeah.
19:58He'll call you back.
20:02Be gentle with me, Prime Minister.
20:06At his home in Herbie, Andy is busy eating his own body weight in nuts.
20:13What do you want, do you mug the truck?
20:14Mug the truck, sir.
20:15Well, I have got something rather special for you.
20:20What is it?
20:22It's the new chair you wanted.
20:23Yeah, I know.
20:25I had to go all the way down to Cromwell for it.
20:26It was a right kerfuffle.
20:28Right, let's...
20:29Let's pop you in it, yeah?
20:31One, two...
20:32That's got you, that's got you, that's got you.
20:35That's got you, that's got you.
20:39I don't like it.
20:40It is hard.
20:41I want to get out.
20:43Maybe you just need a cushion or something.
20:45Look, I'll go and pop your tea on and then I'll come back and sort it out.
21:00You all right?
21:01Yeah, fine.
21:04Roy?
21:05Yes, Margaret?
21:06Is the pirate memory game man still there?
21:08Yes, Margaret.
21:09I think I found something.
21:11Oh.
21:14Oh, my word, how funny.
21:18Cap'n Jack's pirate memory game, ages...
21:21Oh, how funny, ages four to eight,
21:23and it does look a little less pirate-y than the other one.
21:26Well, what does he reckon?
21:28Well, what do you reckon?
21:34Can I have a look at the other one again?
21:36Yes, of course, there you go.
21:42How much is this one again?
21:43They both retail at £4.95.
21:45Oh.
21:46Oh, is there a problem?
21:48I was hoping to spend around £4.80.
21:52I'll be getting some money for me birthday next week, I'll buy it then.
21:55Yes.
22:12Sheltered accommodation is where people who are too old and lazy
22:16to do things for themselves are kept.
22:24So, er, no granddad in the frame?
22:27No, he died ten years ago.
22:29Oh, great.
22:30Shocked that must have been.
22:34Oh, hello, love.
22:35Hello, Nan.
22:36Sorry to keep you.
22:37My imp's playing up again.
22:39You remember Jason?
22:40Yeah.
22:46Hello.
22:56Oh, my bag, it's nearly full.
22:59We, er, we got your shop in.
23:01Oh, you are good.
23:02Come in.
23:05I'm sorry I'm in me nightie.
23:07That's all right, you've got the figure for it.
23:10Oh, thanks.
23:11We'll, er, we'll just put these away for you.
23:13Oh, thanks.
23:15Cheers.
23:20Thanks for helping with the shopping.
23:22You are a good boy.
23:25I can be a bad boy sometimes.
23:29It's hot in here.
23:31I like it nice and warm.
23:34Working up quite a sweat.
23:39You couldn't pass me that puff, could you, dear?
23:41My feet are killing me.
23:57Oh, baby.
24:01Is that nice?
24:03Oh, yeah.
24:06What about here?
24:09Yeah.
24:23Look at that, you're all sugar, Jason.
24:28What's going on?
24:29It's not what it looks like.
24:32Get out.
24:40Get out.
24:44Is he a trained geropardist?
24:55Oh, I forgot to say, I won't be here tomorrow night.
24:57Mr. Jackson will be filling in for me.
25:03All right, I think that's ready to go in the oven now.
25:09I've got it, I've got it.