Little Britain S03 E03 - Episode #3.3
Transcript
00:01It's early late afternoon morning and this is the office of PR guru Cliff Baxford.
00:06Thank you, Steve. Now, I've spoken to the news of the world.
00:09They are very interested in your story. What happened?
00:13What happened was, was I met all these stock borrowers and I got, like,
00:15two early roast starts. Can I have £1,100, please?
00:18First, we need to establish this is a genuine story.
00:21Now, let's start at the beginning.
00:23We was all at this club called Chinese Whites and there was all these famous people there,
00:26like Dean Gaffney and Jodie Marsh and Phinney, you know, that Professor Stephen Hawkins.
00:29And it was amazing and I was, like, well the fittest girl there.
00:31And all the people came in from Coronation Street and they was all, like, trying to do me.
00:34Even that little one, Chesney, was trying to stick his tongue down my throat.
00:36But I'm not a fag or nothing. I want to find a proper life partner
00:38cos I've already had six kids by seven different blokes.
00:41So when did you meet the footballers?
00:43I'm getting there! Cos I was just about to say it to you, I just waited.
00:46Then all the footballers came in and there was someone or nothing from all the clubs,
00:48like Tottenham and Spurs and Chelsea Park Rangers.
00:50And they all, like, really wanted to do me but I was wearing this really short skirt
00:53so they could all see my strawberry nivvy.
00:56Right, what happened next?
00:58Then all the footballers took me back to this really amazing, expensive hotel called Traveloge
01:01and I thought it was just to talk about football.
01:03But then I ended up doing sex with all of them but afterwards I felt really used
01:06cos I thought they all loved me.
01:08Have you got any photographic evidence?
01:10No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but I actually have actually, so shut up!
01:13Because this is an actual photo from it.
01:15There's me there actually doing it with all of them.
01:17God, that was so degraded and used and dirty.
01:19And it was rubbish anyway cos they all had well tiny knobs.
01:22I'm not sure this story's going to stick.
01:24Oh, my God, I too can't believe you just said that!
01:26I'm, like, well going to be the new Abbie Titchmarsh.
01:29I'm a very busy man.
01:33Come back when you've got a better story.
01:38KNOCK AT DOOR
01:40Yes? I sent a gangbang with G4.
01:47It's a quarter to Gino Ginelli
01:49and Lou has been out shopping for his friend Andy.
01:52Oh, hello. I've just been out shopping.
01:59Oh, it's not for me, it's for a disabled man.
02:04Come on, yellow truck.
02:06Morning, Andy. Morning, Len.
02:09Lou. Yeah, I know.
02:11I've got all your shopping for you.
02:13Did you get me a razzle?
02:15Yes.
02:17I don't want you to spend the whole day
02:19looking at pictures of naked ladies.
02:22I want that one and that one.
02:26We'd all like to go on a nice naked lady, yes.
02:28No, I want that one and that one.
02:30You want breasts? Yeah.
02:32You want a breast enlargement operation?
02:35Yeah. Why?
02:37Someone to play with.
02:39Not sure that's a good idea.
02:41Want tits?
02:43It'd be right, kerfuffle.
02:45Anyway, I thought you were against plastic surgery.
02:47I thought you said that cosmetic enhancement
02:49was symptomatic of a sick society
02:51that worships a cult of youth and beauty.
02:53Anyone seeking the quick fix of physical change
02:55was left morally wanting.
02:57Yeah, I know. Well, then...
02:59Won't tits tell?
03:01Oh, for the love...
03:10Can I have a pillock?
03:12Pillock?
03:20Our next stop is at this charming restaurant
03:22just off the A27390938662.
03:27Five.
03:29The reason I've brought you here today
03:31is because one of our patients, Anne...
03:33Have you met Anne? Have you met Anne?
03:35Yes. Well, she's got herself a job here as a pianist.
03:38It's just a part-time job, but she does find
03:40playing the piano very calming.
03:55Must be one of her own compositions.
04:04Oh, careful, there's a slipper in your soup.
04:11Eh?
04:23Thank you very much. You've been a wonderful audience.
04:28Holidays can be booked at travel agents like this.
04:31The word holiday is derived from the Greek word holidios,
04:34which directly translates as sex with coach driver.
04:38Could I just finish my coffee?
04:41Yes, yes.
04:43So, can you make me a cup of coffee?
05:04That was foul.
05:06As soon as I can see.
05:08We've got our golden wedding anniversary coming up.
05:11Yes, we'll have been married 50 years in August.
05:17We've been saving up and we've always promised ourselves a cruise.
05:20Maybe something with saga.
05:24Computer says no.
05:26Gets booked up early, you see. Old people.
05:30Oh.
05:31I've got another option. P&O.
05:33Oh. Where does that go?
05:35Dover to Calais.
05:39No, we're looking for a proper cruise.
05:41I've got a good deal here. Yes?
05:43The Russian cargo vessel taking nuclear waste to the Baltic.
05:47I really don't fancy that.
05:49All the pickled herring you can eat.
05:52No. No.
05:54Do you have to be in a cruise ship or could you be in a canoe?
05:59We're not keen on canoeing.
06:01Shame. I've got some great deals here on PGL Adventure holidays.
06:05Are you under 16?
06:09No. No.
06:11We'll leave it then. Thank you.
06:14Can you put your hands over your mouth when you cough, please?
06:16That's disgusting.
06:19Sorry.
06:24Trivial Pursuit is Britain's second most popular board game
06:28after Pokemummy.
06:30People and places.
06:32Oh, this is a hard one for you.
06:34Who replaced Lord Carrington as Britain's Foreign Secretary
06:38during the Falklands War?
06:40Francis Pym.
06:42Correct. How did you know that?
06:44Well, in my little village of Pong Pong, we do have plenty of newspaper.
06:48Yes, well, a piece of pie for you.
06:53Hey.
06:54Oh, you'll never get this one.
06:56What was BBC Breakfast fitness queen Diana Rann better known as?
07:00I used to have quite a thing for her.
07:02The Green Goddess. Here we go.
07:04Hang on a sec.
07:05If you lived your whole life in Pong Pong, Ting Tong,
07:08how did you know about the Green Goddess?
07:10Um, well...
07:12Where exactly are you from, Ting Tong?
07:14Ting Tong from Tooting.
07:16Tooting, Ting Tong, not Pong Pong?
07:19Tooting, not Pong Pong for Ting Tong.
07:23Lies upon lies upon deceit upon lies!
07:26I'm sorry, Mr Dudley.
07:28Come on, get out. Get out of my flat.
07:30But, Mr Dudley!
07:31That's it, pack your bags.
07:33I want you out!
07:35Is that it, then?
07:36Six wonderful days over just like that?
07:38Yes, over.
07:40Is there nothing I can do?
07:41Nothing, nothing at all.
07:46Hello, our Green Goddess.
07:49I'm here to get you up in the morning.
07:51Oh, God.
07:57You still want me go?
07:59Not just yet.
08:03First, let's go to a warm-up.
08:08It's half past Top Cat, the indisputable Boss Cat,
08:11and MPs are Norman Fry is once again facing the press.
08:15I have a statement I would like to read.
08:18On Monday night, following a long meeting with the Chancellor,
08:21I needed to go to the toilet,
08:23so I went to one that I knew would be open at three in the morning
08:26on Hampstead Heath.
08:29Upon my arrival, I met two men,
08:32Carlos and Eduardo,
08:34who invited me into their cubicle
08:36to talk to them about government policy.
08:39Unfortunately, I slipped on the wet floor
08:43and became sandwiched between the two men
08:46in a position that the arresting officer informed me
08:50is known as a spit rose.
08:53As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of me.
08:56And by the way, Carlos,
08:58if you've had the X-ray and found my watch,
09:00please do return it to me.
09:02It belonged to my late father. Thank you.
09:09It was a special birth.
09:11These are amongst the few fat people left in Britain
09:13after Her Majesty the Queen ordered a cull in her jubilee year.
09:17God bless you, ma'am.
09:18And I also tried something new, just on a stick.
09:21Now, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our midst.
09:27He is a new member,
09:30and he is actually a very famous actor.
09:33Now, without a word, he wants to lose a few pounds,
09:36but he don't want to be treated any different.
09:39So, will you please welcome from EastEnders, Charlie Slater!
09:47Oh, sorry, I called you Charlie, didn't I, love?
09:49What's your real name, my sweet?
09:50Derek. Derek Martin.
09:52So, Charlie, welcome to the group.
09:54Hello. Hello.
09:56Stop bothering him.
09:57Honestly, he's not even one of the main ones.
10:00So, Charlie, what we do with all new members is we weigh them.
10:03So, do you just want to pop up onto the scales for me, my love?
10:06Yeah.
10:07So, so, so, so, so, so, so...
10:10No, don't, cos he's not here cos of that.
10:12He's here cos he's very fat, so let's not embarrass him.
10:15So, you are...
10:18Actually, I must just ask you, I never watch it myself,
10:21but what's going to happen with Kat and Alfie?
10:23Is their marriage going to survive the affair?
10:25Is he going to leave her?
10:26Look, I'm just here, really, to try and lose some weight.
10:29Yeah, go! He's on telly, get over it!
10:32I know exactly what it's like being famous,
10:34because I've actually been in the audience on the right stuff.
10:37So, we are 16 stone 5.
10:39Do you know, that surprises me, because you're fat,
10:42but on telly you look really fat, really grotesque.
10:45Thanks very much.
10:46My pleasure. Off you pop.
10:48Give him room.
10:50Now, today, we're going to be looking at calorie hots,
10:53but, actually, I must just ask,
10:54have you got Nigel Harmon's phone number for me?
10:57I don't think Nigel would want me to give it out.
10:59Go on, Nigel Harmon, eh, girls?
11:02We like a bit of Nigel, don't we, eh?
11:04I would let him do some really grim stuff to me.
11:07Nigel Harmon, yeah? Nigel? Yeah?
11:09We like a bit of Nigel, don't we? Yeah?
11:11Nigel! Nigel! Yes! Nigel!
11:13Sorry, Miriam probably doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about.
11:16Yes, EastEnders. I love it.
11:19No, I can't. Do it again.
11:21I love it.
11:22No, do it again.
11:23I love it.
11:24Do it again.
11:25I love it.
11:27Oh, right. No, do it again.
11:29I love it.
11:31EastEnders, Mira.
11:32It's like the Mahabharata, only shorter.
11:35So, the thing about calories...
11:36Actually, I must just ask, what happens to Mo in the end?
11:38I don't know what you mean.
11:39Will, what happens to her in the end?
11:41I don't know. We're not really told that.
11:43Oh. What happens to Pauline in the end?
11:44I don't know.
11:45What happens to Phil in the end?
11:46I don't know.
11:47What happens to Dot in the end?
11:48Look, these things I don't know, they haven't been decided yet.
11:51No, but what happens to Ian in the end?
11:53There isn't really an end, it just kind of carries on.
11:56What happens to Sonia in the end?
11:58Look, I don't know.
11:59I don't know what happens to any of these people.
12:01Stop asking me what happens to all these people in the end.
12:03What happens to Pat in the end?
12:04Look, I'm sorry.
12:05I've just come here to lose some weight.
12:07I didn't mean it to be a whole thing about being in EastEnders.
12:10I've obviously made a mistake.
12:12I'm sorry, all right?
12:20Give it a rest.
12:23It doesn't matter.
12:28Happy birthday to you.
12:31In Slut, Letty Belle is celebrating her birthday.
12:34Look at them. What a lot of old troughs.
12:41Lovely froggie cake as well.
12:43Shame to cut it, really.
12:45We know you love your froggies.
12:47I love me froggies, me. I don't know why, but I do.
12:51Actually, all of us clubbed together to get something special.
12:54Oh, something special, special, something.
12:57What's that then?
12:58Oh, that's a big one.
13:01What is it?
13:02Open it and find out.
13:04Yeah, I'll find out when I open it, yeah.
13:09What's that?
13:10It's a real frog.
13:14It won't hurt you.
13:15Nothing to be scared of.
13:17Look, he's lovely.
13:19Come on, give him a stroke.
13:24It bit me.
13:25It bit you.
13:26It bit me with its sharp frog teeth.
13:28Get it out, get it out of the house.
13:30We'll have to take it back.
13:33I thought you liked them.
13:35Get back.
13:43Help yourself to the cake.
13:50Still, lovely froggy wrapping paper.
13:53I can use that again.
13:57At Hill Grange Health Spa,
13:59former Miss Botswana, Desiree Devere,
14:02is relaxing after her fried onion foot scrub.
14:05Hasn't that Victoria Beckham put on weight?
14:08She looks grotesque.
14:13What I'm using is a green algae mask
14:16because your skin is quite sensitive.
14:18Yeah, that's lovely.
14:20It's very soothing.
14:26Everything all right, Geeta?
14:28Oh, yes.
14:29Everything fine, darling.
14:31I mean, Miss Devere.
14:33And now I give you massage.
14:36No, thanks, Geeta.
14:38I'll just have the facial today.
14:40It's very intimate.
14:42Do you like?
14:44Do you like?
14:46Yeah.
14:47Oh, very pleasurable.
14:56Oh, yeah, the best.
14:58Do I have to pay extra for this?
15:00No, no.
15:01It's all part of the service.
15:06You're bigger than you look, Geeta.
15:09You always liked mount-top, didn't you, darling?
15:11Yeah.
15:13Bubbles!
15:14Hello, darling.
15:16Bubbles, you've got to stop.
15:18Quite soon.
15:20Bambi, what are you doing, Bambi?
15:22Hello, darling.
15:23It's not what it looks like.
15:25Get off him, you jezebel.
15:27No, don't worry.
15:28I'll go.
15:30Hope I haven't spoiled your honeymoon, darling.
15:35Could you do this to me, Bambi, with your ex-wife?
15:38I was tricked into it. I'm completely innocent.
15:41Is that what you want? You want to get back with that harlot?
15:44No, no, honestly, I hated every minute of it.
15:52Naughty!
16:01Our next stop on our journey is this supermarket,
16:04situated in the ancient Roman city of Breakdance 2,
16:07Electric Boogaloo.
16:12Excuse me?
16:14Yeah?
16:16Are you Orville?
16:18Yeah.
16:19Can I have your autograph, please?
16:21Yeah. Have you got a pen?
16:28Sorry, who's it to?
16:29It's me, Jon.
16:31So, where's Keith Harris, then?
16:34I don't know.
16:35It'd just be funny if he was here.
16:37Yeah, it's work. We don't spend every minute of the day together.
16:40We do have our own life as well.
16:42He's very funny.
16:43Yeah, yeah, he's a really funny guy.
16:46Are you working on anything together at the moment?
16:48No, no, we're sort of having a sabbatical at the moment,
16:51trying to concentrate on some straight acting.
16:53I'm actually going up for a part in the film next week.
16:56Oh, yeah?
16:57Yeah, yeah, it's a one-off. It's part of a racist copper.
17:00Oh, well, good luck with that.
17:01Cheers.
17:02Sorry, before I go, I know you must get this all the time,
17:04could you just do Keith's voice for me?
17:06Yeah, I'm just out shopping today.
17:08I don't really want to sort of draw attention to myself.
17:11Yeah, sorry, I'll let you get on.
17:14OK, yeah.
17:18Oi, Orville, where's Keith?
17:21Oh, for God's sake.
17:24At this restaurant in Upper Gonad,
17:26couple Pat and Don are ordering a meal.
17:30An onion bargi, please.
17:32That is quite mild, isn't it?
17:34Yes, and for sir?
17:36Can I have a plate of curry powder, please?
17:38Oh, no!
17:39All right, I'll have the chicken jalfrezi,
17:41but can you have it spicy, please? I do like it spicy.
17:45Service is slow today.
17:46Yeah, I'm not coming here again.
17:48Oh, here he is.
17:50Sorry for the delay.
17:55Mine's lovely, how's yours?
17:57Mm.
18:04Godzilla, dododolo, Godzilla, dododolo, Godzilla, dododolo.
18:07And Godzooki.
18:09The Father Madonna with the big boobies.
18:11Monkey.
18:12Run a range.
18:14Now, Mr Spencer.
18:16Very flat, Norfolk.
18:17What do you take me for, a fool?
18:20This gentleman is Barbara Dixon.
18:22Oh, body for home, body for comfort,
18:26body for confidence, body for you.
18:34Thank you, Mr Spencer, you too.
18:36Ah, Macarena.
18:41The current Prime Minister, Michael Stevens,
18:43is proving very popular in the polls.
18:45Almost as popular as our previous leader, General Udun Begum.
18:50Just so humiliating for me.
18:53I know, darling, I'm so sorry.
18:55Well, I suppose it was going to come out sooner or later.
18:57Look, tomorrow it'll just be old news.
19:00Let's put a statement through the press secretary
19:02saying it's a private matter.
19:04Sarah, we're going to get through this together.
19:10Oh!
19:13Morning, Prime Minister.
19:16Morning, Prime Minister.
19:18Oh, hi, Sebastian.
19:20Just a little upset here.
19:35Your car's here.
19:39I'd better dash, I'm due in court.
19:42Yes, good luck, darling.
19:46There.
19:51So, Sebastian, I suppose you've heard the news.
19:55Yeah, and I bought the book.
19:57I mean, as if you'd have an affair with the old education secretary.
20:00Look at her, she's a right dog.
20:01Sebastian.
20:02Oh, this is my favourite bit.
20:03Michael gazed at me from across the room at the party conference.
20:0720 minutes later, our bodies were united in passionate political union.
20:11Like cow.
20:12It's true.
20:14We were both young MPs, both far away from home.
20:18Sarah and I had had our problems and one thing led to another.
20:21What?
20:26It finished a long time ago.
20:28Sarah's known about it for years, we've accepted it and moved on.
20:31And just when did you think you were going to tell me?
20:34Sebastian, quite honestly, it's none of your business.
20:36You're still saying that?
20:37Oh, don't be silly.
20:39I can smell her.
20:40You wait till I'm gone, then you have her.
20:42You have her on this couch.
20:43Like this, is it?
20:44Oh, give it to me.
20:46Or is it like this?
20:48Oh, that's deep!
20:50Do you laugh about me when you're together, do you?
20:53Ha ha ha!
20:56It finished 15 years ago.
20:58Prove it.
20:59Have her killed.
21:00You're the Prime Minister, one call will do it.
21:02It's the only way I know she means nothing to you.
21:05MR5, Sue speaking.
21:08I'm so sorry, I've got the wrong number.
21:10No bother, goodbye.
21:12Come now, Sebastian.
21:13Just tell me why.
21:14What did I do wrong?
21:15What did she give you that I can't?
21:17Now look, this book's going to give me a rough ride for the next week.
21:20I need people around me who can help me through it.
21:22And if you can't, I'll find someone who can.
21:25OK?
21:26Get pine.
21:28The German Chancellor is here.
21:30Thank you.
21:31Would you like to show him in, Sebastian?
21:35LAUGHTER
21:40My, sluts over there.
21:42LAUGHTER
21:45Donkey Hospice, money for the donkey hospice.
21:47Our next stop is the southern town of Aching Balls.
21:51Donkey Hospice, money for the donkey hospice.
21:53Oh, yes.
21:54Thank you.
21:55My father had a donkey.
21:56Oh, did he?
21:57Some stickers for you.
21:59There we are.
22:01For you.
22:02LAUGHTER
22:04The donkeys will be very pleased.
22:05Thank you.
22:06Donkey Hospice.
22:08In the village of Pox, Maggie is delivering the parish newsletter.
22:15Hello, Maggie.
22:16Hello, Judy.
22:17I've got the new parish newsletter for you.
22:19Thank you very much.
22:20Yes, I would ask you in, but I'm a little busy at the moment.
22:23My daughter's here with her fiancé.
22:24Oh, well, I'd love to meet him.
22:26Yes, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
22:28But he sounds so wonderful.
22:29You told me he went to Cambridge and he's now a barrister.
22:32Yes.
22:33Well, come in, then.
22:37We're just in the drawing room.
22:40Whoa!
22:43Olivia, you'll know.
22:45Hello.
22:46Hello.
22:47Pleased to meet you.
22:48I'm James.
22:50Yes.
22:51Lovely to meet you.
22:54Did Mummy tell you we're getting married in August?
22:58Well, I really must deliver his black newsletter, so...
23:02Would you stay for a cup of tea?
23:03And you must have one of these.
23:05They're delicious.
23:07Thank you.
23:10Your mother's fruitcake is legendary.
23:13Actually, my mother made it.
23:15Let me get you some tea.
23:21Are you all right?
23:23Oh, no, Maggie, please.
23:24I've just had the carpet shampooed.
23:26Whoa!
23:29Whoa!
23:34Whoa!
23:40Now, do you take...
23:44..sugar?
23:45Actually, I really must deliver these.
23:48Lovely to have met you.
23:49Goodbye. Goodbye.
23:51Goodbye.
23:53Meanwhile, Lou has pawned his shoes to take Andy on a day trip.
23:58Did you enjoy our little trip to Legoland?
24:01No, I was just Lego.
24:03Oh, well, I'm sorry, I did say...
24:06What time is it?
24:07It's 4.30.
24:09We're going to miss Dogtanion and the Three Muskehounds.
24:11Well, there's not a lot I can do.
24:13I don't want to break the speed limit.
24:15Faster.
24:16Well, I thought you didn't like Dogtanion and the Three Muskehounds.
24:19Dogtanion and the Three Muskehounds.
24:21I thought you said that the Dumatis classic character
24:23and the canine counterpart were decidedly lacklustre.
24:26I don't know.
24:27Well, I promise I'll get you home in time for Josh's Giant.
24:30Dogtanion.
24:31Oh, dear.
24:33Faster, faster.
24:34I'm going faster. I'm doing 80.
24:38Oh, no.
24:40It's PC Plod.
24:42Oh, no.
24:45Yes, I will pull over, yes.
24:50He doesn't look happy.
24:52He's got the right cob on.
24:56Step out of the vehicle, please, sir.
24:58I'm very sorry, Mr Policeman, sir.
25:00Right, I'd like your full name, please.
25:02It's Louis Bob Todd.
25:06Do you have any idea how fast you were driving, sir?
25:08I'm very sorry, Mr Policeman.
25:10I've got a friend here who's in a wheelchair.
25:12He's very...