Little Britain S01 E07 - Smallest Ant
Transcript
00:01So, in principle, the budget is approved, is it?
00:04Yeah.
00:06You might like to have a look at the focus group report that's just come through.
00:10Do you have that, Sebastian?
00:16Oh, this should make for interesting reading, Prime Minister.
00:20Is that all?
00:21Yes.
00:25I must say, Robert,
00:27I do feel rather undermined that you consistently distance yourself from me in public.
00:31If you're going to stand against me for the leadership, come out and say so.
00:35Yeah!
00:40I can assure you, Prime Minister, that even when I have ambitions for the leadership, you will be the first in all.
00:44Yeah, right!
00:46Thank you, Sebastian.
00:47Yeah, but you know, he's so two-faced.
00:49Yes, thank you.
00:53I heard that you had a private meeting with the Home Secretary this morning.
00:56I did, but the question of leadership never arose.
00:58Oh, you lying cow!
01:01Sebastian!
01:02Do you know what you get so het up about? It's not as if the public are going to vote for him.
01:05Why not?
01:06Well, look at you. You're overweight, you're losing your hair.
01:09The Prime Minister here is gorgeous. Well, I wouldn't know, but he is.
01:14Well, maybe if I was to stand, it would be about policies rather than presentation.
01:17Oh, so you are standing now?
01:19I didn't say that.
01:20Oh, go on, just try it. Just try it!
01:22If you must know, Prime Minister, I am going to stand.
01:24I shall make my announcement in the House tomorrow.
01:27Sebastian, would you like to show the ex-Chancellor out now?
01:43Get out!
01:49That showed her.
01:50Right, we're going to book you a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, the works.
01:57Here we are at the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
02:01I had an agent once, before I made the mistake of strangling her.
02:09Well, I'm sorry, but Richard O'Sullivan doesn't get out of bed for less than £50. Good day.
02:14Ah, Dennis! Do come in, dear heart. Lovely to see you.
02:18Take a seat. I've got some wonderful news.
02:21I've got you a nice cream.
02:23Oh, thank you.
02:26Yours looks bigger than mine.
02:28No, it's the same size.
02:31Anyway, I've had a fax this morning from Euston Films. Now, where is it?
02:36Can you hold this a moment, please?
02:41Here we are.
02:42I don't think I can hold it for much longer.
02:44Oh, just pop it down.
02:46Sonia Chance, the new head of ITV, has requested a brand new series of Minder to go into production in the spring.
02:52Would Dennis be interested?
02:54I don't want any more.
02:56Oh, well, just give it here.
03:02Now, I've done a ring-round. George Curl's on board and they're talking to Dave the Barman's people.
03:07Oh, that's nice. So they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
03:12Well, yes, I imagine they do.
03:15Anyway, they're very keen. Sonia Chance herself has been ringing me all morning.
03:19Oh, that'll probably be her now.
03:22Hello? Sonia!
03:25Yes, he's right here.
03:27Let me speak to her.
03:29Passing you over.
03:31Hello, Sonia.
03:33Oh, so you want me to reprise my role as Terry McCann?
03:37Write the theme tune? Sing the theme tune?
03:41No, thanks, I've moved on.
03:50Those are buses. But anyway, at his surgery in Darkly Noon, Dr. Alban is examining one of his patients.
03:58Okay, Vicky, you can put the clothes back on.
04:01Now, after having had a good look at you, it's pretty obvious to me what the diagnosis is.
04:07I've got the lupus.
04:08Yeah.
04:11I knew, cos there's this hot van, cos it was all down near Arcade,
04:14and Kelly flopped on Destiny and a bit of it landed in my hair, cos Kelly hates Destiny,
04:18cos Destiny told Warren that Kelly pads her bra.
04:20It's true, Nathan reckons he put his hand down there and pulled out a bag of jelly tarts.
04:26No, Vicky, I have to tell you, you are in fact eight months pregnant.
04:30No, Doctor, cos you can only get pregnant by sitting in someone else's bathwater.
04:33Anyway, if anyone's pregnant, it's Jo Rowley,
04:35cos Meredith reckons she's seen her with her hand down Ashley's tracky bottoms.
04:39Well, you are pregnant, so you must have had sexual intercourse at some point.
04:43Eight months, apparently.
04:44No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no,
04:49because I never even had sex apart from that one time eight months ago.
04:51But apart from that, I'm a complete virgin.
04:53Also, you have had sex at least once.
04:55Yeah, as a joke. Cos it's like being back at school.
04:58What happened was, was, you knew Trish.
05:00Trish who?
05:01Trish. Trish Trish. Trish. Rochelle and Trish.
05:04No.
05:05Well, she ain't even got nothing to do with it anyway. She wasn't even there.
05:07Shut up! You don't even know what you're talking about!
05:08Anyway, she dared Melody. She wouldn't niggle up above her off Darren Sheen.
05:11But, anyway, Darren Sheen ain't got no pubes.
05:14OK, Vicky, well, um, I would strongly advise you, if you haven't already,
05:17for the sake of your baby, to give up smoking and drinking.
05:20Oh, my God! I still can't believe you just said that.
05:22I smoked, like, once for, like, two years when I was, like, nine.
05:24And I only drink to numb the pain in my worthless life, so you're well out of order.
05:28OK, right, what I'm going to do is I am going to refer you
05:32to our young mother's unit at the City Hospital.
05:35You're going to have to pop down there this afternoon.
05:38Is there someone who can accompany you?
05:40Well, I'm not asking Shelley, cos she's a slag.
05:43OK, is there someone else you can go with? Perhaps your mother?
05:46That is my mother.
05:49In Ham Ham, ex-Olympic athlete Denver Mills has been booked to give an after-dinner speech.
05:55You sure you don't want to go through it first?
05:58No, no, no, I trust you. I'm just going to introduce you.
06:04A little bit of us, ladies and gentlemen.
06:06That includes you, Detective Inspector Willow.
06:10OK, it is time to introduce you to our special guest speaker of the evening.
06:15You may have seen him on They Think It's All Over.
06:18Please give it up for Olympic silver medallist Denver Mills.
06:25Evening, all.
06:28It's great to be here.
06:30You know, when I was a lad, I always dreamed of going into the force.
06:34But maybe being an Olympic athlete isn't so different from being a police officer.
06:41First of all, we both get a lot of practice running after black guys.
06:46Difference is, I beat some of mine.
06:49I mean, caught up with them, not beat them like you do.
06:52Ha-ha-ha!
07:11Since cigarette smoking has become mandatory, news agents in Britain have flourished.
07:17Right, now, you know it's Declan's birthday coming up.
07:20Who?
07:21Declan, your brother.
07:23Yeah, I know.
07:24Well, it's his birthday coming up and you've got to get him a card.
07:27Now, can you see any you like?
07:29I want that one.
07:30That one?
07:31Yeah.
07:32Well, that says, with deepest sympathy.
07:34Yeah, I know.
07:35Well, that's what you send someone when somebody died.
07:38I want that one.
07:39Well, I'm not sure Declan's going to like that.
07:42It's going to send out the wrong message.
07:45Now, Declan likes sailing boats.
07:47Why don't we get one with sailing boats on it?
07:50I want that one.
07:51This one's got a sailing boat.
07:53He likes sailing boats.
07:55That one.
07:56Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday?
08:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:10It's his birthday.
08:11He's not dead.
08:15Meanwhile, Fat Fighters course leader Marjorie Dawes
08:18has popped into her local supermarket to pick up a few sundries
08:21and Mondries and Tuesdries and Wednesdays.
08:25Oh, hello.
08:26Sorry, do I know you?
08:28I come to Fat Fighters.
08:30Oh, yes, Paul, isn't it? Yeah, sorry.
08:32So many people come to class, I can't possibly remember everybody.
08:36Is this yours?
08:38Eh? No, no.
08:40This is my trolley over here.
08:42Ooh, hello.
08:44What's his name?
08:46Baby.
08:48Ooh.
08:49Is this going to have a lot of calories?
08:51Yeah, this is for the baby.
08:53Anyway, what's all this? Eh?
08:55Oh, dear.
08:57We've found your Achilles' foot, haven't we?
08:59It's just a tracker bar.
09:00Just a tracker bar, he says.
09:02I don't know why I bother.
09:04Oh, put it back then.
09:05I don't think there's much point in you coming to Fat Fighters anymore, is there, Paul?
09:07Are you going to do stuff to your face every time my back is turned?
09:10Well, if that's the way you feel, maybe I shouldn't come.
09:12No, do, do, because we need to keep the numbers up.
09:15OK. Bye then.
09:17Goodbye.
09:36Hello, Marjorie.
09:39Oh, hello, Vera.
09:42Er...
09:43Not mine.
09:45Another man put them there.
09:47I don't know.
09:51Scotland is a smashing place to take a holiday
09:54and regularly wins the award for best Scottish holiday destination.
10:01So what happened?
10:02Well, it was a Sunday afternoon
10:04and we were all sat down as a family watching the telly box.
10:07What were we watching, children?
10:09Naked Video!
10:10Oh, yes, the Naked Video comedy show.
10:12And the sprites were a-talking and a-laughing
10:14and then all of a sudden...
10:16Pfft!
10:17All was darkness in the kingdom of the sprites.
10:21The scream went dead.
10:22Yes!
10:23Awaken, sprites, I cried,
10:25and try to tempt them out like so!
10:31OK, you sprites, you naughty sprites!
10:34That did no work.
10:36I'd love to say yes,
10:38but unfortunately the answer is no.
10:42You've got to fold the connection.
10:44Try it now.
10:47Argh!
10:48It's the arch-wizard himself!
10:50Aren't they nice children?
10:52He enters a room and with a budget of just £500
10:56he makes it transform-ed.
10:58He is truly the master of the black arts.
11:02Right.
11:03You said you had another TV you wanted me to take a look at.
11:06Yes!
11:07Tis a curious thing.
11:08By day, tis bright,
11:10but by night,
11:11tis as black as a black man's cape.
11:18That is a window.
11:19You do know that, don't you?
11:21Days!
11:24Psychiatrist Dr Lawrence lives with his children
11:26in this delightful,
11:28Just look at it.
11:29What a beauty.
11:30I'd love to have one like that.
11:32Now, we've got a special guest
11:34coming to stay with us this weekend
11:36who lives at the hospital where Daddy works.
11:38And him is Anne.
11:40We've got the extra special nights for her, OK?
11:44Say hello to Anne.
11:45Hello.
11:46Hello.
11:49She's nice, isn't she?
11:50Hmm?
11:51Hello.
11:52Hello.
11:53Hello.
11:54Hello.
11:55Hello.
11:56Hello.
11:57Hmm?
11:58Hmm?
11:59Oh, yes, Anne loves goldfish.
12:01She looks after the one at the hospital, don't you?
12:06Here we go.
12:07Anne's painted a picture for you.
12:10Here you are.
12:11Say thank you.
12:13Thank you.
12:16Don't.
12:17Don't touch the middle of it.
12:19Back at DIY Universe,
12:21Des K is hard at work.
12:24Excuse me, can you tell me where the barbecues are, please?
12:27Over by the...
12:28Des!
12:29Robin D.
12:30How is everything over at Children's?
12:32I see the Bubble Twins are doing well for themselves.
12:35Yep, still pulling in the viewers.
12:37This is the longest one they've got.
12:39Dickie Bubble.
12:41Hello, Des.
12:43Oh, so you two just happen to be in the same shop on the same day.
12:47Oh, what a coincidence.
12:50No, we're a couple.
12:52Oh, my divorce came through.
12:54Oh, so you just...
12:56Oh.
12:57Are you working here now, then, Des?
13:00Des K, to the stockroom, please.
13:04No.
13:05You must come in for a meeting sometime.
13:08Oh, erm...
13:10I've actually got a big new show in development for ITV.
13:13Well, er, good luck with it.
13:16Cheerio, Des.
13:19But if you've got any money...
13:23DOORBELL RINGS
13:35No two shoplifters.
13:49As the sun sets in southern Britain,
13:51for those in the north, the day is just beginning.
13:57Right, I've got the brochures here.
14:00Now, let's have a look and see where you want to go.
14:03That one.
14:05You want to go there?
14:07Yeah, that one.
14:09Well, that is Helsinki.
14:11Yeah, I know.
14:12Do you want to go to Helsinki?
14:14Yeah.
14:15I've got loads of brochures here.
14:17We haven't even looked yet.
14:20Or Barcelona, or Florida!
14:22You've got a Florida very cheap now.
14:24Helsinki.
14:26But you always said Finland had a maudlin quality to it,
14:29rendering it unsuitable as a holiday destination.
14:31Yeah, I know.
14:32Where do you want to go?
14:33Helsinki.
14:35Sticking with Helsinki.
14:36Helsinki.
14:40I want to go to Florida.
14:44At Kelsey Grammar School, Mr Cleaves is busy taking the register.
14:48Bannerman?
14:49Here.
14:50Wittering?
14:51Here.
14:52And Zygo?
14:53Absent.
14:55Come along.
14:56In you pop.
14:57Thank you.
14:58Right, just a couple of points from the headmaster.
15:00Any boys who sign for the school trip to the moon
15:02need to pay their deposit by Friday.
15:04That's five pounds.
15:06They bring them by sale on Sunday in the car park,
15:09raised over 36 million pounds for Ethiopian famine.
15:12Well done.
15:13Meanwhile, at the offices of the Royal Shakespeare Company...
15:17Found your boy yet?
15:19Sorry, who are you?
15:21We sent you a letter.
15:22Did you?
15:23Yes, we did do.
15:24Ralph here wanted to audition for the part of the boy in Henry V.
15:27I'm afraid we've cast that part now.
15:29I know.
15:30Well, perhaps you can come and audition for us next season.
15:33You never even replied.
15:34Really?
15:35What's your name?
15:36Speak up.
15:37Ralph.
15:38Ralph.
15:39Ralph Paterson.
15:41Well, it is our policy to reply to all letters
15:43and to see if we have it on file.
15:46Yes.
15:47Here it is.
15:48I must say, we thought it was a wind-up.
15:51Why's that?
15:53Dear bastard...
15:55Just trying to get your attention.
15:57My name is Ralph Rafe Paterson
16:00and I am the best actor in the world ever.
16:03Yeah, we did toy with Ever Ever,
16:05but we didn't want him to come across as arrogant.
16:08You may have seen me in The Demon Headmaster.
16:10Were you in that?
16:11I had the line.
16:12Go on, do it, do it.
16:14Hello.
16:15Told you he was good.
16:17Told you he was good.
16:20I've always loved Shakespeare's plays
16:22and I'm delighted to hear he's written a new one.
16:26I would be a...
16:27What does that say?
16:29A brilliant...
16:31Sorry, it's just quite difficult writing in blood.
16:34I would be a brilliant boy in it,
16:35or even Henry V himself.
16:37Did you see Bodger and Badger?
16:41Ah, well, you see,
16:42we always had Jonathan Pryce in place for the king.
16:44Him? He's Chinese, isn't he?
16:47Give me this job, you shit.
16:50Yours sincerely, Rafe Paterson.
16:53Is it a yes now,
16:54or do I have to dangle him out the window?
17:00Yes.
17:01Don't have all the sandwiches, Emma.
17:03I might like some.
17:08Thank you, Anne.
17:09Now do help yourself to sandwiches and cakes.
17:12There was an egg and there was a tuna.
17:15That's right, that's egg.
17:18And that's tuna.
17:26Hello?
17:27Yeah, I'm just someone's house in a minute.
17:28Can I call you back?
17:29Yes, it's a bit rude.
17:30Okay.
17:31Alright.
17:32Bye-bye.
17:42Oh, forgot to set the video for Room 101.
17:56Sorry.
18:02This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
18:05Books in Britain have recently become very popular
18:08thanks to the invention of reading.
18:11Yes, I'm Geraldine.
18:13I will marry you.
18:14I will, I will.
18:17Yes.
18:19How many pages?
18:22Twelve.
18:26Do you know the Bible, said Lord Harper?
18:29No, said Geraldine.
18:31I've never even heard of it.
18:32Oh, it's really good, said Lord Harper.
18:34Let me read it to you.
18:36Okay then, said Geraldine.
18:39Chapter one, Genesis.
18:42In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.
18:46You'll find the rest of the Bible on the shelf, Miss Grace.
18:48Wake me up when you're finished.
18:54In this boardroom in Gore, a meeting is taking place.
18:58The room doesn't look that bored to me.
19:00It looks quite perky.
19:04Here's one for you.
19:06Nutty-nut nuts.
19:08Real nuts, covered in...
19:09Wait for it...
19:12Nuts!
19:13How about that for starters?
19:15Uh, this is a private meeting.
19:17Oh, well I've just been in the supermarket
19:19and I couldn't help noticing your cereals aren't selling.
19:21There's boxes of them.
19:22I hope you have no ideas.
19:23Just jot them down on a piece of paper and send them in.
19:25No, come on, Nick, play fair.
19:26The lad's come in with a few ideas.
19:28He's shown some pluck and initiative.
19:30Let's hear him out.
19:31Thank you, Grandad.
19:32Right.
19:34Sugar puffs.
19:35Gay men frosted with sugar.
19:37Interesting.
19:38Golden Graham.
19:40Dr. Graham Garden cut up and covered in delicious gold.
19:44Not sure.
19:45Cocoa puffs.
19:46Real puppy dogs smothered in chocolate.
19:50The health conscious amongst you.
19:52How about...
19:53an apple?
19:54I can't really see it.
19:56Rice krispies.
19:58No.
19:59Slice of toast.
20:01No.
20:02Full English.
20:04Look, this really isn't what we're looking for.
20:06Now, we'd be grateful if...
20:07What if I was to tell you I could invent a cereal
20:10that would make everybody who ate it beautiful?
20:13Can you?
20:14No.
20:15Get up.
20:16You heard him.
20:17Out.
20:21It is a sad day in Andy's flat
20:23and Lou is being as gentle as he can with him.
20:26You know it's Maria's funeral today, don't you?
20:29Yeah, I know.
20:31We'd better put you in your smart suit, shouldn't we?
20:35Who's Maria?
20:39Maria's the nice lady who used to look after you
20:41before she got too ill.
20:43Yeah, I know.
20:46Well, let's just flip these off.
20:49There you go.
20:52I don't know how Maria coped on her own all those years.
20:57Right.
20:58Let's just get these smart trousers on.
21:02One foot.
21:04Two foot.
21:06There you go.
21:10Right.
21:12Let's find you a nice belt,
21:13because you want to look nice and smart, don't you?
21:15Give her a good stand-off.
21:16A good stand-off, yeah?
21:23This is the one Maria bought you, yeah?
21:27Isn't it?
21:30If you like to buy jigsaw puzzles with pieces missing
21:33or faulty electrical goods,
21:34then why not pop down to your local charity shop?
21:44Excuse me?
21:45Yes?
21:47Do you know if anyone died in this?
21:50I don't know.
21:51I couldn't say.
21:52I'm sorry.
21:58This is very nice.
22:00Yes, it's a lovely colour.
22:03Do you know if anyone died in it?
22:06I don't know.
22:07We don't tend to ask.
22:09No, we don't tend to ask.
22:13I think I'll leave it there.
22:18These pyjamas are beautiful.
22:21Oh, yes, they're pure silk.
22:24Do you know if anyone died in them?
22:27Actually, a lady did come in yesterday
22:29with a big sack of men's clothes
22:31and said her husband had died in his sleep.
22:33So, yes, he would have died in those.
22:35I'll take them.
22:38Just out in the garden, Anne, if you want to join us.
22:44Oh, we can play that later, if you like.
22:49Yeah, we don't need toilet just now, Anne.
22:54No, Anne, that's Emma's guinea pig.
22:56Put that back.
23:06We'll get you another one.
23:09In the seaside town of Oldhaven,
23:11unconvincing transvestite Emily Howard
23:13has gone for a quiet stroll along the prom.
23:17Lovely choice.
23:19Yes.
23:20I am a lady.
23:23Are you a lady?
23:24Yes.
23:25Isn't it lovely being a lady?
23:27I am one.
23:28And being a lady, I love flowers.
23:30Do you love flowers?
23:31Yes.
23:32We're like two peas in a pod, aren't we?
23:34Yes.
23:35Well, I must get back to my husband.
23:37Yes, I have a husband.
23:38They can be so terribly troublesome,
23:40these husbands, can't they?
23:41We should know, being ladies.
23:44Hello.
23:45I'm a friend of your wife.
23:46Oh.
23:47Yes, we're both ladies and we got chatting and, you know.
23:51Hang on.
23:52Darl, are you from somewhere?
23:53I don't think so.
23:54I am a lady.
23:55Yeah, I know you.
23:56You're Eddie.
23:57Eddie Howard.
23:58No, I am Emily Howard, a lady.
24:00Yeah, we used to work together.
24:01I didn't ever work down the docks.
24:03That's right, down the docks.
24:04You can vouch for me, can't you?
24:07You, child, you know I'm a lady, don't you?
24:10No.
24:12You, man on the beach, you know I'm a lady, don't you?
24:17Ah, you're a bloke.
24:20I'm a lady and my name is Emily Howard.
24:24Emily Howard.
24:26Good day.
24:35Doesn't seem to be here.
24:37Must have crawled out.
24:40Well, it'll be in here somewhere.
24:42Yeah.