Little Britain S02 E05 - Episode #2.5
Transcript
00:00Pin bowling is a very difficult sport, but it is easier than 11 pin bowling
00:18I'm lucky. Right. You've got one more go. Maybe that ball was a bit heavy. Do you want a different one? Yeah. Well that was
00:26a good one.
00:28Okay, there you go.
00:30Oh, excuse me.
00:32Hello, Lou Todd.
00:34Oh, hello there.
00:36How are you?
00:38I've taken in bowling.
00:40He's a bit of a buckle,
00:42but he seems to be enjoying it.
00:44No, I'm winning.
00:46It's 75-3.
00:48I'll get him to call you back later.
00:50Oh, you've got a strike.
00:52Yeah, I know.
00:54I didn't even have to help you. Well done.
00:58Backstage at the Blazing Squad concert,
01:00fans are clamouring to meet the band.
01:02I myself loathe groups like Blazing Squad.
01:04I must prefer so solid.
01:06Get out of the way.
01:08Get out of the way.
01:10Get out of the way.
01:12Get out of the way.
01:14Get out of the way.
01:16Get out of the way.
01:18We're Blazing Squad.
01:20Can we see your passes, please?
01:22Yeah, that knew, because what happened was
01:24we did have passes, but Kelly Appleby snatched them all
01:26and burned them, because Ruth Hubbard, who's bitch number one,
01:28told her that I did one of her de-glue hair scratches,
01:30but I never anyway did listen to her,
01:32because everyone knew the fanny goes sideways.
01:34Yeah, I've seen it. It's like this.
01:36No-one's coming in without a pass.
01:38Excuse me, mingers to the back of the queue.
01:40Shut up.
01:42Yeah, that knew, because I am definitely on the list.
01:44What's your name, then?
01:46Sonny Records.
01:48I don't think so.
01:50I can't believe you just said that.
01:52I still am on the list, because this guy from Sonny Records
01:54told me, dancing to Mystique, who I completely hate,
01:56in the audience on CDUK, and I met Kat Daly,
01:58and she's got a really hairy face, but anyway,
02:00this guy from Sonny Records said he really wants to, like,
02:02sign me up and, like, turn me into, like, the next Beyoncé,
02:04and it was good, but then I forgot, because we was all around
02:06the back of Argos watching Carrie Stevens
02:08getting bummed by that bloke who works in cash converters.
02:10You ain't on the list.
02:12Shut up. I still am.
02:14I ain't letting you in.
02:16No, but, yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in,
02:18you remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Marles
02:20and Hayley Everett reckoned she saw Jim Ryan taking a dump in the seat,
02:22but anyway, I have met Blaze and Squad, and they said I should
02:24definitely come backstage and see him and do him, and anyway,
02:26I do know them, because I'm their sister, and if Roman Gordon says I'm not,
02:28then don't listen to him, because everyone knows he's mental,
02:30because he once showed his knobs room as the Maynard's letterbox.
02:32Such a liar.
02:34Shut up.
02:36Look, I won't tell you again.
02:38You're not coming in.
02:42All right, lads.
02:44I won't tell you.
02:50The game of tennis was invented in 1982
02:52by Dr. Jonathan Tennis,
02:54when he had the idea of fusing the popular sports
02:56of badminton and swingball.
02:58Going to mixed doubles today, innit?
03:00Yeah.
03:02Those two we played last week were gorgeous.
03:04Yeah, I hope you still fit.
03:06Have to get their names.
03:08Yeah, they're off on the board.
03:10Emily and Florence.
03:12We're expecting two ladies.
03:14Oh, sorry. No, no, no.
03:16That is us, two ladies.
03:18Right.
03:20Florence, just do as I do.
03:22I'm quite sure they don't expect a thing.
03:24Ready, gentlemen.
03:26Well, have you got any balls?
03:28No, only ladies.
03:30Tennis balls.
03:32Oh, sorry. Silly me.
03:34I thought you meant bollocks.
03:36You're with me.
03:38What?
03:42Ready.
03:46Oh!
03:48Being a lady, I'm quite exhausted.
03:50Aren't you, Florence?
03:52Oh, yes. Absolutely knackered.
03:54Time for barley water, I think.
03:56Oh, yes, please, Florence, my dear.
04:02Are you enjoying the game, Florence, my dear?
04:04Oh, yes, Emily.
04:06Positively nail-biting, isn't it?
04:08Chin-chin. Are you guys going to be long?
04:10Oh, we'll be right with you.
04:12We're just going to have some scones.
04:18How about that, games?
04:20Yeah. And those two have to be
04:22the strangest-looking women I've ever seen.
04:24Do you mind?
04:32It is almost ten o'clock,
04:34and in the psychiatrist's office,
04:36the session is coming to an end.
04:38Not alone.
04:40And that's when we started
04:42having a sexual relationship.
04:44And this is with Colin,
04:46your brother-in-law?
04:48Yes.
04:50And what did you feel?
04:52Um, guilt.
04:54Shame? Yes.
04:58OK, we're going to have to leave it there,
05:00but we'll talk more next week.
05:02Thank you.
05:16Hello? It's me!
05:18You'll never guess what! She's only having it off with his brother!
05:20Yeah, I know!
05:22If a policeman stops a fat person
05:24and discovers they are carrying chocolate,
05:26he is permitted to shoot them.
05:28Hence, diet classes like this one are very popular.
05:30Right, well,
05:32this week, Pat has lost four pounds.
05:36Pigs can fly.
05:38See, I told you I'd lose a stone by Christmas.
05:40Yeah, next Christmas, maybe.
05:42You won't have to come here for much longer.
05:44Yeah, that'd be nice. I won't have to put up with Marjorie anymore.
05:46We'll see.
05:48OK, before we go any further, I've got to tell you,
05:50Fat Fighters has brought out a brand-new range
05:52of delicious, new, low-calorie puddings.
05:54They are new,
05:56and they are called Fatty Treats.
05:58You've seen the adverts, yeah?
06:00Fatty Treats! Treats for the fatties!
06:02Boink!
06:04Oh, well, anyway, what I've got
06:06is I've got normal eclairs, and I've got new,
06:08they are new, brand-new,
06:10low-calories Fat Fighters Fatty Treats eclairs.
06:12And I want to see if we can tell the difference.
06:14So can we have, please, a volunteer?
06:18Sorry, Mira, I was really just thinking of the English people.
06:22Pat, come and join me.
06:24It's all right, Marjorie.
06:26Wobble, wobble.
06:28Right, what I'm going to do
06:30is I'm going to put this blindfold on you.
06:32All right, so no peeping.
06:34Oh, it's quite tight, Marjorie.
06:36Well, it's got to be tight, because I know you fat people are very devious.
06:38No, you are lying.
06:40But I do mean that nicely.
06:42OK, now, I've got two eclairs here,
06:44and I want you to see if you can guess
06:46which is the low-calorie one.
06:48All right? Ready?
06:50I'm not really eating puddings at the moment.
06:52Here we go.
06:54That is nice, though.
06:56Very creamy.
06:58OK, now try this one.
07:04Yeah?
07:06Now,
07:08can you taste the difference?
07:10No.
07:12No, you can't. Well, let me tell you
07:14that the second eclair you had was the low-calorie one.
07:16Eh?
07:18So why don't you have another?
07:20Go on.
07:22Why don't you have a second one?
07:24Go on, get them in your fat gob.
07:26No, they're low-calorie. She's not going to put them in her mouth.
07:28Oh, no, hang on a minute, Pat.
07:30I've just made a dreadful mistake.
07:32Those are the full-fat ones.
07:34400 calories per eclair?
07:36Oh, my God, she's going to explode. Quick, spit it out.
07:38All of it. Quickly. All of it. Quickly.
07:40All of it. Quickly. All of it. Quickly.
07:42All of it.
07:44Shame on you, Pat. Shame on you.
07:46You've got everyone down.
07:48Right, well, better put a couple of them pounds back on, haven't we?
07:50OK, well, we'll see you next week.
07:52Oh, hang on a minute, Pat.
07:54You've just got a little bit of cream in your hair.
07:56Wait there.
07:58LAUGHTER
08:00Here he goes.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:04OK.
08:06Lovely.
08:08Now, I want to talk to you all about dust.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:12There are hundreds of dogs in Britain.
08:14The biggest, the Blue Setter,
08:16is as tall as the Houses of Parliament.
08:18The smallest, the Boodle,
08:20is invisible to the naked eye.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24Hello, man.
08:26Hello, Mrs B. We're just having a cuppa.
08:28Yes, I saw. I thought I'd bring you out some biscuits.
08:30Oh, thanks very much, Mrs B.
08:32Here you go.
08:34That's it. That's it.
08:36That's a good boy.
08:38That's it.
08:40Good boy. Good boy.
08:42Good boy. Good boy.
08:44There's one. There's one.
08:46Where's the other one?
08:48Good boy. Who's a good boy?
08:50One for you.
08:52Big.
08:54Big.
08:56That's a good boy.
08:58That's a good boy.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:04It is a quarter to Gran and Grandpa Moses,
09:06and woman Viv Tudor has been requested
09:08to attend an identity parade.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:12LAUGHTER
09:14OK, now take your time.
09:16Yeah. All right? Yeah.
09:18Let me know if you recognise anyone at all.
09:20I don't recognise anyone at all, yeah.
09:22PHONE RINGS
09:24PHONE RINGS
09:26PHONE RINGS
09:28No.
09:30PHONE RINGS
09:32PHONE RINGS
09:34No.
09:36PHONE RINGS
09:38PHONE RINGS
09:40Oh, he's gorgeous!
09:42Oh, what hunk! Look at that scar!
09:44Oh, here's a wrong and a no mistake!
09:46Whoa!
09:48No, no.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:54No.
09:56Oh, he's gorgeous!
09:58Oh, what a dreamboat!
10:00Puts me in mind of a young Omar Sharif!
10:02Oh, he could rob my bank any day!
10:04Whoa!
10:06No, no.
10:08No.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:12Oh, he's gorgeous!
10:14Whoa!
10:16He can point his weapon at me any time he likes!
10:18Ah!
10:20Oh, yeah, he was the one with the gun.
10:22Great, thanks.
10:24You're not going to arrest him, are you? Yes.
10:26Well, you can't! You mustn't!
10:28Anyway, you'll never get a conviction. Why not?
10:30Cos he's gorgeous!
10:32Proper gorgeous!
10:34LAUGHTER
10:36Our Prime Minister is preparing for an important television interview.
10:38I never watch television myself,
10:40apart from Emmerdale, Corrie and EastEnders.
10:42Oh, and Hollyoaks.
10:44Coming to studio in 20...
10:46Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.
10:48So, um, what are you going to ask him?
10:50I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise, now, would I?
10:52Let me have a look.
10:54No. Sebastian, thank you.
10:56I'll handle Gavin by myself.
10:58Ten seconds. OK, but promise me you won't mention anything
11:00about the man who runs the airlines giving money to the party.
11:02Get off the set.
11:04Three...
11:06LAUGHTER
11:08Good evening. The airline scandal that has engulfed the government
11:10now threatens to topple the Prime Minister.
11:12Oh, you bitch!
11:14LAUGHTER
11:16He's here with me live in the studio.
11:18Prime Minister, welcome. Good evening.
11:20Prime Minister, can you explain to me
11:22how on Wednesday we hear that the government
11:24has granted exclusive transatlantic routes
11:26to embassy airlines, and then yesterday
11:28it emerges that the chairman of embassy,
11:30Sir Brian Dean, has previously donated
11:32over a million pounds to your party?
11:34Come on, Michael!
11:36The two events are completely unrelated.
11:38Sir Brian gave that money as a private individual.
11:40Go, Michael! Go, Michael!
11:42Go, Michael! Go, Michael!
11:44Prime Minister, I do think that there are a lot of unanswered questions.
11:46Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead, dear.
11:48Shh!
11:50Would embassy airlines have been granted
11:52exclusive use of those routes
11:54if that donation had not been made?
11:56Oh, give it a rest!
11:58I've already answered this question in the House.
12:00In fact, we can see that footage right now.
12:02Oh, here we go. BT for one minute.
12:04Would someone please get that man out of the studio?
12:06Why, don't worry. I'm going.
12:08And I'll tell you what, Gab, I only came here tonight
12:10cos I thought it was going to be Paxman.
12:12He's much better looking than you!
12:14Paxman's not better looking than me, is he?
12:16LAUGHTER
12:18No, you're lovely.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:22And that was about the same time
12:24I started seeing...
12:26prostitutes.
12:28Prostitutes.
12:30Do you think
12:32that paying for sex has become an addiction?
12:34Yes.
12:36I do feel
12:38it's out of my control now.
12:40It's become a compulsion?
12:42Definitely.
12:44OK, well,
12:46we've actually gone over a little,
12:48but we'll pick up on this next time.
12:50OK.
12:52Thanks.
12:58LAUGHTER
13:06You were right!
13:08Prostitutes!
13:10You have to laugh, don't you?
13:12Hello, dirty bastard.
13:14LAUGHTER
13:22It's early morning.
13:28And in the outskirts of slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has spent the night with his girlfriend.
13:34If I do this, I'm going to fly the ride up and under.
13:38Are you not staying for breakfast?
13:40I would, but Mother's brought some crust on, so I should probably be heading back.
13:44You did enjoy last night, didn't you?
13:45Yes, I did. I thought the lovemaking was absolutely top-notch.
13:48It's funny, I can't remember that part.
13:51Do you know, I can't find any underwear. It keeps on going missing. You haven't seen any, have you?
13:57Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, look around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes.
14:01You're under. I have not been taking your underwear home, putting it on in my bedroom and then parading up and down in front of the mirror going,
14:05Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
14:09Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
14:11And do you know, I can't find that red dress, you know, the silk one with the embroidery.
14:15The one I wore when we went to see We Will Rock You.
14:18Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, look around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes.
14:22You're under. I did not steal your red dress. Take it home and then wear it while doing the hoovering.
14:26Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
14:28And you know, I can't find those stilettos, you know, those ones from Shelley's.
14:31Look, I bought you those. I kind of think if I want to wear them, I'll wear them.
14:42Can I take your order, sir?
14:44Yes, I'll have the beef carpaccio to start and then the braised lamb shank.
14:50Any vegetables?
14:51Du jour.
14:52Very good, sir.
14:54And a Yorkie.
14:55Buttered.
15:00This is a drug rehab centre in Glasgow.
15:02I tried heroin once but it didn't have any effect.
15:05Mind you, I was high on coke at the time.
15:08Okay, 20 words for heroin.
15:09Go.
15:10H.
15:11Good.
15:12Brand.
15:13Good.
15:14Smart.
15:15Good.
15:16Dragon.
15:17Good.
15:18Skunk.
15:19Get out! Go on, all of you! Get out of my sight!
15:21Stay where you are.
15:23This is the road back.
15:24Excuse me?
15:25Yeah, exactly.
15:26Who am I to be telling yous about getting off the drugs?
15:29Well, I've been there, okay? I've done it.
15:31I've read the book, I've seen the film,
15:33I've bought the T-shirt and got sick all down it because I was on drugs.
15:36I know what it's like to have woken up so late because of drugs
15:39that I've missed Ilky today, Tricia and most of this morning.
15:43I'm sorry about this, but I think I'm in the wrong room.
15:46I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class.
15:49You know what this is, Tim?
15:51This is the very worst kind of junkie.
15:53I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class.
15:55Well, maybe you are.
15:57Hundreds and thousands, desiccated coconut and a wee sprinkling of cocaine!
16:01Nobody lies, nobody excuses.
16:03You're an addict, you're skim, you're Laurel and Hardy the cartoon,
16:06you're soda stream cola, you're grease too.
16:08Okay, go to your so-called cake decorating class,
16:11get out that door and don't come back!
16:14Stay where you are.
16:16I'm going to help you.
16:19The most important word youse all need to learn is no.
16:22Spud, will you come and do a roleplay with me?
16:26Spud.
16:27Spuddy.
16:28You all right with this?
16:29Yeah.
16:30Yeah?
16:31Okay, so, I'm the junkie, you're the dealer.
16:33Ask me if I want to buy any of the drugs.
16:36Do you want to buy any drugs?
16:38No.
16:39And it's as simple as that.
16:41I really appreciate you doing that for me.
16:43Yeah?
16:44Eh, big man?
16:46Okay.
16:47I don't want to be rude,
16:49but I really am here just for the cake decoration.
16:52Oh, it's just down the corridor.
16:53Yeah, er, next room along.
16:55Oh, thank you.
16:56Oh, of course.
16:57Sorry, they do cake decoration here on a Monday, don't they?
17:00Sorry, it used to be Wednesdays.
17:01Yeah, let me help you with your bag.
17:03Oh, thank you.
17:04Yeah.
17:05Sorry, I wasn't going to be sat here with all these junkies for...
17:07Do you think I'm stupid?!
17:08Get back to your seat!
17:09You're a junkie, you're a loser, you're a leech,
17:12you're Karen Confidential, you're Kellogg's Banana Bubbles,
17:15you're Stephen Gately's solo career,
17:17you're Carol Thatcher.
17:18Sit down!
17:20You're going to be fine.
17:22Okay, 50 wells for cocaine, go.
17:24Coke.
17:25Okay, that's 50.
17:28At this park in Bent,
17:29Dr Lawrence has brought Dr Bigley along
17:31to observe one of his patients.
17:34Eh, eh, eh.
17:36I don't know if you know, but Amelie is a very keen artist.
17:39Eh, eh, eh.
17:41She's getting better all the time.
17:42She particularly likes to draw the trees and the flowers.
17:45Eh, eh, eh.
17:48Eh, eh, eh.
17:51Oh, she's left a sketchbook behind.
18:04Makes me very proud.
18:08In his office in Trout,
18:09theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is having a very important meeting
18:12with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
18:14Yeah, yeah.
18:15Sir Andrew, was it your idea to write Bergerac the musical?
18:18Oh, yeah, yes.
18:19Mine and Ben Elton's.
18:21It was something he'd always wanted to do.
18:23And it's going to be even bigger than the one I did about cats.
18:26Cats.
18:28Dennis Waterman here to see you.
18:30Oh, lovely. Send him in.
18:32Well, it would be wonderful if we could get Dennis
18:34to play the part of Jim Bergerac.
18:37Hello. I got you a donut.
18:40Hello. Thank you very much.
18:49Who is that man?
18:51Ah, well, this is Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
18:54Oh, yes.
18:55The brother of Julian Lloyd Webber, the famous cellist.
18:58Oh.
19:02So, I've done Bergerac the musical,
19:04and I'd love you to play the title role.
19:06Doesn't Bergerac play Bergerac?
19:08Oh, no. He's committed to Midsomer Murders.
19:11He's committed murders? That is wrong and bad.
19:15Anyway, I'd be thrilled if you would consider it.
19:18This is the set for Act One, Charlie Hungerford's house.
19:21Oh.
19:23Let's have a look.
19:30Put me down.
19:35It's an exact replica of the one in the programme.
19:38Yeah, this is great.
19:40You certainly wouldn't want it any bigger.
19:43So, you want me to star in it,
19:45write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
19:47No, no, no, no. I've written all the songs.
19:52Yes.
19:53I'm a policeman living in Jersey.
19:56Do-do-do-do-do-do.
19:58I have a complicated relationship with my ex-wife.
20:01Do-do-do-do-do-do.
20:03I drive an old red car.
20:05My boss has lost his hair.
20:07I'll be so good for Bergerac the musical.
20:12Well, it's been wonderful to meet the both of you.
20:15I do have one or two other people to see.
20:18Oh, I love it.
20:26I'm very sorry.
20:29All right, Dennis.
20:30Safe now.
20:34To remain competitive,
20:36banks now offer a wide range of services,
20:38including loans, insurance,
20:40and for a small fee, they'll make love to your wife.
20:48Yeah, that's Perry Keane this side.
20:50I'll call him back.
20:52Hey.
20:53Not interrupting anything, am I?
20:57Oh, I heard you went to Prague.
20:59Did you have a nice time?
21:02Right. Well, you know it's my leaving deal on Thursday.
21:04Oh, yeah?
21:05Yeah, and we're all going to go bowling
21:07and then have a bite to eat afterwards at Bella Pasta.
21:09Oh, lovely.
21:10Yeah, so we wondered if you fancied coming,
21:12cos we need to book the table.
21:15Computer says will Melanie be there?
21:17Yeah, yeah, she's coming.
21:22Computer says no.
21:25HE COUGHS
21:29Right. Well, if you change your mind, then...
21:34I love you.
21:38Like many people in Britain, every other Wednesday I go gay.
21:41David Thomas is a full-time gay
21:43and is on his way to his local pub for a celebration.
21:46Hello, Daffy. Fancy a bun?
21:48Homophobe.
21:54You've made me the happiest girl in the world.
21:57I love you, my Vanwy.
21:59And I love you too, Rhiannon.
22:01Oh, yes, he does.
22:09HE CLEARS THROAT
22:11Oh, David, you made it. We didn't think you were coming.
22:14Yeah, sorry I'm late. Of course I couldn't come to the church service.
22:17Why not? I am a gay. I wouldn't be welcome.
22:20But I'm gay and I was performing a gay marriage.
22:22A gay marriage? Of course you would be welcome.
22:24You never know, Dafydd. If you met a nice young man, maybe the vicar would marry you.
22:28No, thank you, Virgil. If I get married, it'll be to a woman
22:31and to a life of misery and repression.
22:33Please yourself, dear.
22:35Anyway, come and meet my friends.
22:38Everyone, this is Dafydd.
22:40Hello, yes, Dafydd Thomas, the only gay in the village, yes.
22:44Actually, Dafydd, we were hoping to have a little word with you.
22:48We're applying for adoption and wonder if you'll be our referee.
22:52Oh, but you're two great minch-munchers.
22:57Yes.
22:58But you can't be bringing up kids. It's not right.
23:01Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
23:03I don't know, gay marriage, adoption.
23:05What's wrong with just sitting at home in front of the television
23:07getting moist every time Sandy Topsmith comes on?
23:10Well, we've moved on a bit since then, love.
23:13Anyway, what do lesbians do exactly? I mean, I don't get it.
23:17We do all sorts of things.
23:19Sorry, I was talking to the lesbians.
23:21I am a lesbian.
23:23What? You can't be. You're far too good-looking.
23:26What are you talking about?
23:28Well, I just thought it was the ones who couldn't get boyfriends.
23:31Oh, piss off, you stupid little puff.
23:33Whoa! How dare you?
23:35I will not tolerate homophobia in this village.
23:37Good day.
23:39Dirty fat lesbs.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:45In Herbie, Andy Pipkin is enjoying his annual bath.
23:49Right. Now, I've planned a route to Chessington.
23:52It's really just straight down the A217.
23:54So, if we get our skates on, we'll be on the log flume by lunchtime.
23:58I don't want to go.
24:00But you've been going on non-stop about it for weeks.
24:03Chessington World of Adventures this, Chessington World of Adventures that.
24:06Yeah, well...
24:08Where do you want to go instead?
24:10France.
24:12France? Yeah.
24:14But I thought you hated France.
24:16I thought you said the French could never be forgiven
24:18for surrendering to the German war machine
24:20and collaborating with their occupiers to set up the Vichy government.
24:23Yeah, I know.
24:25Chessington, it is, then.
24:27I want to go France.
24:29Christ with the overnews.
24:36I want to go Chessington.
24:40I want to go Chessington.