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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [Music]
00:02 [Music]
00:32 Now VJ sing with a testy 12 foot putt.
00:36 Hey! Pada pada pada pada pada pada swing!
00:40 Hey, mind a little...
00:42 Hey Dad! Guess who's the star of the nursing home follies?
00:47 Quiet Bobby. We're watching the Masters.
00:51 That's a golf tournament.
00:53 I know. The one with the fabulous green jackets.
00:57 Shhh!
00:59 Boy Ken, you can cut the tension with a knife.
01:02 A froggy went a-courting and he did right, uh-huh, uh-huh.
01:08 Froggy went a-courting and he did right, uh-huh, uh-huh.
01:12 Froggy went a-courting and he did right, Jordan, don't buy his side.
01:19 Froggy went a-courting and he did right, uh-huh.
01:26 Thank you, Garrity and Sons Nursing Home!
01:30 Wonderful!
01:37 I'm Jerry Popper. I was on the Tonight Show once.
01:44 Can you spare a minute?
01:46 Can I?
01:47 Kid, I'll get right to the point.
01:51 I hate living here.
01:52 But watching you up on that stage, lighting the place up,
01:57 for a moment it made me forget the nurse stole my watch.
02:01 You got something, kid.
02:05 Moxie? Chutzpah? Pizzazz?
02:08 Ah, you're selling yourself short.
02:10 This is Chip Block, All-American.
02:17 And the original.
02:19 Not one of those plastic Woolworths copies that allowed me to retire in such comfort.
02:25 Right, Chip?
02:26 Hey, Slugger! Ah, that was my brother's name.
02:30 They made him into a baseball bat. He was from Louisville.
02:33 Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
02:35 Hey, that dummy's got good timing.
02:37 Who you calling dummy, dummy?
02:39 Settle down, Chip.
02:41 Chip doesn't like to be called dummy.
02:43 He prefers the term "carved figure."
02:46 Crafted by masterminds of Wisconsin.
02:49 Portuguese cork.
02:50 Portuguese cork! That's funny.
02:54 Yep. But real ventriloquism is about more than telling jokes.
02:58 It takes great acting, Bobby.
03:01 Oscar Callamer.
03:02 To play two roles at once?
03:04 Nobody could do it today.
03:06 Except maybe Meryl Streep.
03:08 Streep would be a great ventriloquist.
03:11 And so would you.
03:14 I want you to have him.
03:16 I'm gonna win the talent show this year!
03:20 Not that banjo-playing dork!
03:23 Whoa, whoa, kid.
03:25 You can't just put your hand inside his body.
03:28 You've gotta get inside his head.
03:31 Who is Chip Block?
03:33 I'll tell you.
03:34 He's the best athlete ever to attend All-America High.
03:39 Every boy wants to be his pal.
03:41 Every girl wants to be his gal.
03:43 But I'm sorry, ladies.
03:45 He's saving it for marriage.
03:47 An athlete, huh?
03:49 I may look big, but very little of it is muscle.
03:53 Chip and I know you can do it, Arlene.
03:56 Please, Bobby.
03:59 The show must go on.
04:01 You say that, too?
04:04 All right, I'm in.
04:06 Thanks, Mr. Popper.
04:08 Promise me you'll take care of him.
04:10 None of that lemon-scented crap.
04:12 Linseed oil!
04:14 I promise!
04:16 Not you, Chip. I was talking about...
04:18 Oh!
04:19 Bravo, Bobby!
04:21 Bravo!
04:23 Hank, what is it about models that rock stars find so attractive?
04:31 Fluttering butterflies!
04:33 Fluttering butterflies!
04:36 Fluttering butterflies!
04:38 Fluttering butterflies?
04:41 Not in this house.
04:43 The fluttering butterflies gracefully fill the skies in Pacific Grove.
04:48 The fluttering butterflies gracefully fill the...
04:51 Oh, God.
04:52 This is Chip Block.
04:55 We're practicing our labials.
04:58 New rule. Lights out by 8.30.
05:01 Another.
05:08 Don't you think you've had enough?
05:10 Another.
05:11 Yes, sir.
05:12 My son is playing with dolls.
05:21 There, I said it.
05:23 He's a sissy.
05:24 There, I said that.
05:26 Sammy Sosa.
05:29 Sammy Sosa.
05:31 That's a ventriloquist, dummy.
05:34 The way people were talking, I thought you were playing with a Barbie doll.
05:38 Mom, meet Chip Block, all-American.
05:41 Chip, this is my mom.
05:44 I didn't know you had a sister.
05:47 Thank you.
05:50 Pleased to meet you, Chip.
05:52 Yeah, that's really all the material we have.
06:01 The problem is, Chip likes the sports pages,
06:04 but I'm more of an arts and leisure guy.
06:07 I don't even know how to read a box score.
06:10 Well, then a league-leading softball pitcher will be the one to teach you.
06:15 Let me just get a sports page.
06:17 Okay.
06:18 Now, ERA, as you see here, is my earned run average,
06:24 which is very, very good.
06:26 What does HBP mean?
06:29 Hit by pitch.
06:31 She was crowding the plate.
06:33 Hank said I could get some cereal.
06:37 Oh, I'll never forget this.
06:39 In this game, I had a joke at her.
06:42 Who was the last pitcher to win 30 games?
06:59 Danny McClain, Detroit Tigers, 1968.
07:03 That's day one stuff, Chip. Give me a hard one.
07:07 Okay, wise guy, how many years did he get for pension fraud?
07:12 Oh, you got me.
07:14 Unless it was eight.
07:16 You're the man.
07:18 And the ball is going, going, it's fouled.
07:24 Foul ball.
07:25 Uh, Bobby, maybe you and your action figure want to go clean your room.
07:32 Could you please blow your smoke the other way, Mr. Gribble?
07:37 I'm training for the varsity squad.
07:40 I got Dale's spot.
07:56 What's with Dale?
07:57 He's like an L.A. fan, leaving in the seventh inning.
08:02 Boy, this new manager sure is methodical.
08:06 Yeah, people criticize him for playing little ball, but I say a W is a W any way you get it.
08:14 Come on, my grandmother hits like that.
08:20 God, I hate infield singles.
08:23 You put your tying run on first, Mr. Hill. Gotta like that.
08:28 Yeah, hey, that's true, Bobby. And, uh...
08:33 Chip, Chip Block, nice to meet you, Mr. Hill.
08:38 How do you do that, Bobby?
08:40 He's using show business.
08:42 Palmeiro's gonna be looking for a fastball.
08:46 All right!
08:49 Dale Palmeiro, man.
08:53 Hey, you called it, Chip.
08:56 Chip's a genius.
08:57 Bobby, Chip, you get Dale's spot. Bill?
09:01 I couldn't handle the pressure anyway.
09:04 Could be, could be, it is!
09:09 Wow, Dribble, he's gonna tag all the bags!
09:13 All right!
09:15 I love this guy.
09:19 [Sigh]
09:21 Enjoy your last few breaths, dummy.
09:29 [Laughter]
09:32 You're looking lovely this morning as usual, Mrs. Hill.
09:46 [Laughter]
09:48 Well, thank you.
09:49 I'll have cinnamon rolls, pancakes, 7-Up, bacon.
09:54 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Bobby.
09:56 If you're gonna bulk up, do it right.
09:59 You want five raw eggs and a glass.
10:03 Raw eggs? Haven't you heard of salmonella?
10:07 Relax, kid. If I wanted to kill you, I'd challenge you to a push-up contest.
10:13 [Laughter] Yeah.
10:16 Eggs it is.
10:18 Mr. Hill, could you pass the sports section, please?
10:22 Sure. You gonna make fun of tennis there, Chip?
10:26 Oh, I think tennis does a pretty good job of making fun of itself.
10:31 Ain't that the truth.
10:35 [Water sloshing]
10:38 [Children laughing]
10:49 [Children laughing]
10:51 I think it's you!
10:54 [Children laughing]
10:58 Now let's see what Daddy got for you.
11:01 Bug, get Daly's gift.
11:05 Happy birthday, squirt.
11:09 [Gasps]
11:12 [Laughter]
11:16 [Screaming]
11:21 [Panting]
11:24 Dude, are you alright?
11:26 Fine.
11:28 [Growling]
11:32 [Gunshots]
11:41 [Gun cocks]
11:44 [Gunshots]
11:47 [Gunshots]
11:52 [Sighs]
11:55 Octavio, I want you to do the exact same thing I just did to this picture to this guy in person.
12:04 Except do it right here.
12:07 Okay, I'm gonna need $20 now and $20 when it is done.
12:11 And another $20 for expenses.
12:14 Well, tea time is in two hours and eight minutes.
12:23 So in other words, you're going to be leaving the house.
12:27 Yes, Dale. We're all going golfing, remember?
12:30 Well, I can't go. I got plans.
12:33 Yeah, plans.
12:37 I mean, nothing.
12:39 Hello, Mr. Gribble. Nice to see you.
12:43 Nice to see you again.
12:46 [Screaming]
12:51 Hey, uh, we got a spot open today for golfing.
12:54 How'd you like to join our foursome?
12:57 Uh, no thanks, Mr. Hill. I'm gonna hang out here today.
13:02 Maybe, uh, run some wind sprints.
13:05 Oh, come on, Chip. I'll let you drive the cart.
13:08 Maybe even fix you up with my three wood.
13:12 [Chuckles]
13:14 Bobby, Chip, let's go.
13:21 [Door opens]
13:23 [Door slams]
13:25 11.15 a.m. The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.
13:34 11.16. Octavio speaks into tape recorder.
13:42 Thus leaving crucial evidence, stupid idiot!
13:46 Octavio must be gotten rid of.
13:50 Dear Octavio, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write.
14:03 [Humming]
14:10 Silence on the tape!
14:12 Keep your left arm straight.
14:15 Mm-hmm.
14:17 Yes!
14:23 Uh, actually, Bobby told me about that one.
14:28 Oh, Chip, you modest son of a gun.
14:31 What'll you have, Chip? A can of Thompson's Water Seal?
14:36 [Chuckles]
14:38 Hmm.
14:43 Hello.
14:45 Help!
14:47 [Humming]
14:52 Can I help you?
14:57 Yes, I would like to purchase some chloroform, a roll of duct tape, and this gagging bandana.
15:05 Ah, dang. Looks like a penalty stroke.
15:12 Oh, no, sir. That's a temporary water hazard.
15:16 Free drop, no nearer to the hole, no penalty.
15:20 Oh, well, all right. How'd you learn so much about golf?
15:25 I've seen Happy Gilmore 50 times.
15:28 I hate Adam Sandler.
15:31 Yeah, he's all poo-poo jokes. You don't have to work blue to be funny.
15:38 Amen to that.
15:40 Dad, I'm starting to get a ventriloquist's tan.
15:45 No one likes a whiner, Bobby. Right, Chip?
15:49 Right!
15:54 [Knocking]
16:01 Mr. Popper?
16:08 [Squeak]
16:10 Caught you in the act!
16:13 Oh, it's you, kid. I thought it was that thieving nurse coming back for the other cufflink.
16:19 I hope I'm not disturbing you, sir.
16:22 He was disturbed before you got here. [Chuckles]
16:26 Oh, sorry. Old habits.
16:29 So, how is that crazy wooden bastard?
16:33 Oh, great, great. Everybody loves Chip.
16:37 It's just...
16:39 Well, when you and Chip were partners, did you ever get the feeling that the audience liked him better than you?
16:46 Of course. Chip was the star. And he got paid better, too. [Chuckles]
16:53 That's a joke from my act. [Chuckles]
16:56 That didn't make you crazy?
16:58 Of course it did. I wanted to be known for more than just Chip Block.
17:03 At one point, I even shelved him and hit the road solo.
17:06 I did sound effects. I was the first guy to do windshield wipers.
17:11 [Chuckling]
17:18 A few weeks later, the audience stopped coming.
17:22 After my second cry for help, I decided it was better to be on the edge of the spotlight than not be there at all.
17:29 Yeah, I hear ya.
17:31 Well, it's almost four o'clock. I'll let you get ready for dinner.
17:36 Do me a favor, will ya? Tell the nurse you couldn't find me.
17:43 I'm gonna get that thieving slut.
17:47 Hey, Bobby, I'm heading over to the hardware store, and I bet the guys there would get a kick out of Chip's Jimmy Johnson varnishing-his-hair routine.
17:57 The show must go on.
18:03 [Music]
18:07 [Gasp]
18:08 Dad! Dad! Chip is gone!
18:11 Is this part of your new act? [Chuckles]
18:14 I don't get it.
18:15 I don't know where he is, but there were signs of a struggle.
18:19 Think. Now retrace your steps.
18:23 Dad!
18:25 No!
18:27 [Music]
18:31 [Chuckling]
18:35 Dale, are you nuts?
18:41 You'll never put that creep back together. I mixed him in with two chairs and a toboggan. [Chuckles]
18:48 You're next. I'm kicking your ass through that thing.
18:53 You wouldn't hit an unconscious man.
18:59 [Sigh]
19:01 I think I'm gonna be sick.
19:05 You know what? Maybe this is all for the best.
19:09 Huh. Maybe you're right.
19:13 What do we really need Chip for, anyway?
19:15 Now you're talking, Dad.
19:18 Yep. Think about it. If we build a new Chip, we could make him perfect.
19:24 Don't get me wrong. Chip was great, but his neck wasn't really thick enough to play football, at least not competitively.
19:31 And if his ears didn't stick out so much, he could wear a helmet.
19:36 I'll be at my workbench, cobbling together something I can be proud of.
19:42 [Music]
19:49 Hey, Bobby, catch!
19:52 Well, the spring-loaded arm needs a little tightening, but the new Chip will finally be able to throw a football.
19:59 You know, Dad, I could just use my sock and a magic marker.
20:04 A sock never had an arm like this, or legs that could scramble like Roger the Dodger Stob-Axe.
20:11 And I bet that sock doesn't have Troy Aikman's jawline.
20:15 Okay.
20:17 It'll be fun, Bobby. It's kind of like I'm building you a big brother.
20:22 [Chuckle]
20:26 Okay. Let's see here.
20:32 Sorry, Bobby, but I can't tighten that arm.
20:43 Hey, Dad, this Yahoo thinks the Rangers are philosophically a national league team.
20:51 Tch! Yahoo.
20:53 That's fine. Hey, Peggy, what gets out 32-year-old blood? Club soda, right?
21:00 Well, I'm gonna go watch the Rangers philosophically kick the Yankees' butts.
21:06 I'll watch the game. Anybody else in?
21:09 Not me. I've got to spiff up my old Pop Warner jersey for Chip number two.
21:15 [Music]
21:24 Hey, Peggy, you know that hair we always find in the drain? You don't just throw that out, do you?
21:29 Wait a minute. Bill, he has bags of hair at his house.
21:33 Hank, your son is outside throwing a football in the air and trying his damnedest to catch it.
21:40 Maybe he'd get a few less bruises if you spent some time with him.
21:45 That's why I'm trying to finish the new Chip ASAP, so we can start spending more time with Bobby again.
21:53 Well, all right, then. I will let you play with your dog.
21:57 And, you know, if there's any lumber left over, you might want to use it to build the wife you've always wanted, too.
22:06 And Starback goes back to throw. He's in the pocket.
22:11 [Groans]
22:18 [Sighs]
22:21 Hmm.
22:25 [Music]
22:29 Hey, Dad, I got Mr. D'Autrieve's old Pop Warner jersey. You know, for that.
22:36 Me and Chip two. I mean, Chip two and me. You got to give the star top billing.
22:43 Yeah, but I think in this case you'll agree both stars deserve top billing.
22:50 It looks just like me. It's even got my hair cut.
22:55 Yeah, I've still got a few more holes to drill along the scalp, you know, to even out the hairline.
23:02 Hey, these are my short pants from when I was three.
23:07 Yeah, I found them in my rag bag.
23:10 I don't know, Dad. Short pants don't really belong on a football field.
23:16 That's okay. You don't either.
23:21 Hey, isn't Iron Chip on?
23:24 Yeah, let's go watch Iron Chip.
23:27 Uh, you know, the Rangers are playing the Yankees right now.
23:31 Iron Chip! Iron Chip! Iron Chip! Iron Chip!
23:36 Sorry, Dad. It's two against one.
23:39 Yeah, I guess you're right.
23:42 Froggy went to court and he did right, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Froggy went to court and he did right, uh-huh. Uh-huh.
23:51 Look, Peggy. Look at me with my two sons.
23:59 Froggy went to court and he did right, Jordan, it's no by his side. Froggy went to court and he did right, uh-huh.
24:20 Dear Octavio, it has come to my attention that a man claiming to be Dale Gribble recently fired you.
24:31 Perimeter breach.
24:33 Perimeter breach?
24:36 [Screaming]
24:43 You'll never catch Dale Grib...
24:49 You're right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun.
24:54 (baby crying)