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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 [MUSIC]
00:30 [MUSIC]
00:40 [MUSIC]
00:50 >> Shoot.
00:53 Okay, no problem.
00:55 The exclamation point is a crutch anyway.
00:57 [SOUND]
00:58 Maybe that's a clever musing.
01:01 >> Mom, I'm home from school.
01:03 I think I'm gonna soak my feet.
01:06 >> Tough day, Bobby?
01:08 >> We got this new sub.
01:10 >> What's her name?
01:11 >> Mrs. Donovan.
01:12 >> Donovan?
01:13 She has been out of the game for three years getting her master's degree or something.
01:18 Why would they pick her instead of me?
01:21 >> Maybe it's alphabetical.
01:23 >> No, that was struck down in Zagorrello versus State of Texas.
01:27 Just like Donovan to swipe my gig.
01:29 Meantime, I am stuck here all day grunting out musings for ten cents a word.
01:34 >> Plenty of room in the soak bucket.
01:37 >> I don't know, but I've heard said.
01:39 >> Ruski's ass is mighty red.
01:42 >> I don't know, but I've been told.
01:44 >> That's bull's ass is mighty cold.
01:47 [MUSIC]
01:53 >> That flag's getting awfully close to that fire for my comfort and for the flags.
02:00 >> Pursuant to United States Code Title 36, Section 176K.
02:06 When a flag becomes feted and worn, it is burned with honor.
02:09 >> Yeah, but that's a flag I saluted for the last 20 years.
02:13 I was hazed under that flag.
02:15 I was married under that flag.
02:17 [MUSIC]
02:23 Permission to give this flag a loving home, sir.
02:26 I will raise her every morning at dawn.
02:29 I will lower her every night before dusk.
02:32 I will store her.
02:33 >> Do you have a 90-foot pole?
02:36 >> I got a 40-foot pole, sir.
02:40 I'll go to Home Depot, sir.
02:42 >> I have your essays.
02:44 Normally, I try not to give too many A's, but this time it didn't really come up.
02:50 [GRUNTING]
02:52 [SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
02:54 [CHILDREN CHATTERING]
02:58 >> You wanted to see me, Mrs. Donovan?
03:01 >> No, I just wanted to confirm that you can read.
03:05 >> [SIGHS]
03:08 >> An F in English?
03:10 Bobby, you speak English.
03:12 >> Hank, it is not entirely Bobby's fault.
03:15 That Donovan has had it in for me ever since I was assigned the parking space under the tree.
03:20 She hates me and is just taking it out on you.
03:24 No, this is not an F paper.
03:28 It is a solid D.
03:30 >> What does it matter?
03:31 Mrs. Donovan is making me come up with a new topic, and she'll probably give me another F.
03:37 Thanks to you, Mom.
03:40 [MUSIC PLAYING]
03:43 [MUSIC PLAYING]
03:46 [MUSIC PLAYING]
03:50 [MUSIC PLAYING]
03:53 [MUSIC PLAYING]
04:16 >> It's magnificent.
04:19 [GRUNTING]
04:25 >> Huh?
04:29 Wind?
04:31 No.
04:32 Flag.
04:35 Mom, Dad, I finally picked my essay topic.
04:39 Why Bobby Hill Loves America.
04:43 >> I'd like to see your teacher give an F to the US of A.
04:47 >> Hank, that woman could fail.
04:49 I skew to the Eskimos.
04:51 [MUSIC PLAYING]
04:53 >> How's it going, honey?
04:55 >> Not so good.
04:57 [SIGHS]
04:58 Mom, do you have trouble getting started when you write your musings?
05:02 >> [LAUGHS]
05:04 No, no, not at all.
05:06 I just sit down and I write what I feel.
05:09 I'm Peggy Hill the heck out of it.
05:12 >> Okay, we're going to need an opening line.
05:15 One that's going to grab people's attention.
05:18 >> Um...
05:20 >> Anything.
05:21 >> Um...
05:22 Ooh, how about, um,
05:25 "USA stands for United States of America."
05:32 Oh, that's crappy.
05:34 I'm going to get another F.
05:36 >> Well, with that attitude and the poorly written essay, yes.
05:40 [MUSIC PLAYING]
05:42 >> You have got a great attitude, Mom.
05:45 You could probably write a great essay.
05:49 >> Only because I am a professional writer.
05:52 Now, let's see.
05:54 How about something like...
05:58 [GASPS]
05:59 If you take the U out of USA, what do you get?
06:04 >> S.A. An essay that will explain to you why Bobby Hill loves America.
06:11 >> Mom, you are on a roll.
06:14 >> [LAUGHS]
06:16 Bobby, get me a soda.
06:18 [MUSIC PLAYING]
06:32 >> Oh, Peggy.
06:34 [MUSIC PLAYING]
06:49 >> What are you doing here?
06:51 You're not teaching today.
06:53 >> No, I was not asked to.
06:55 I just thought I would stop by and see if Mrs. Donovan got a chance to grade your essay.
07:00 >> Gucci?
07:06 >> Hello, Peggy.
07:07 >> Peggy?
07:08 >> Listen, my son wanted me to ask you if you got a chance to grade his essay.
07:12 >> Hmm?
07:13 >> Oh, no, I haven't had a chance yet.
07:15 You know, a quick turnaround when marking a student's paper is the most important rule of teaching.
07:20 >> Yes, well, I wish I could stay and chat, but I've got a teacher class.
07:26 And you?
07:28 >> I could stay and chat.
07:30 [MUSIC PLAYING]
07:34 >> Oh!
07:36 >> Bobby, may I have a word with you?
07:39 >> Honey, Bobby, you forgot your pencil this morning.
07:43 >> Oh, as did I.
07:45 >> Oh, I'm glad you're here.
07:47 I was just about to return your son's essay.
07:50 >> Wow, an A!
07:52 >> Oh, yeah.
07:54 >> So, just an A, not an A-plus.
07:58 >> You have to tell me how you came up with that opening line.
08:01 >> Well, I'm going to be honest with you, Mrs. Donovan.
08:07 I was stuck.
08:08 So I went to my --
08:11 >> Well, all I did was --
08:13 >> That came to me while I was taking a bath.
08:16 >> I find my best ideas come to me while I am soaking in the tub, sipping on a cup of cocoa.
08:24 >> Oh, that's very interesting.
08:26 Because when I am stuck on a musing column, what I like to do is find someone helpful to bounce ideas off of.
08:34 >> Eh, that's not really my style.
08:36 What works for me, see, is the cocoa.
08:40 >> That's because you're a writer, Bobby.
08:43 And your mother's just a muser.
08:46 It looks like the torch has been passed, and it has finally been lit.
08:56 >> Credit where credit is due is not just a phrase for bankers and lawyers.
09:02 Ugh!
09:03 Good, but not great.
09:07 >> Why don't you just get Bobby to help you?
09:10 >> He got an A, Aunt Peggy.
09:13 >> Let's be honest.
09:14 When was the last time me or you got an A?
09:16 >> May 24th, 1974.
09:20 >> I find that adverbs are overrated and that your adjectives are your go-to guides.
09:27 >> Hey, there's my little Shakespeare.
09:30 We got a pep rally coming up, and I want you to read that essay of yours to the children.
09:36 >> All right, I'll do it.
09:38 For the children.
09:43 >> Hank, take a look at these and tell me I'm not crazy.
09:46 >> "My Husband's Love Affair with Beer and Why I'm Not Jealous."
09:52 Hmm.
09:53 Well, I do like beer.
09:54 >> Mm-hmm.
09:55 I thought it was great, too.
09:57 But apparently the arts editor of the Arlen Bystander thinks people are much more interested in celebrity birthdays than in reading my musings.
10:05 >> They stopped running your musings?
10:07 >> Oh, Hank, they think the public doesn't care what's on my mind.
10:11 >> Don't give up, Peggy.
10:13 Hey, look at Bobby.
10:14 He got an F and bounced right back.
10:17 This is like an F for you.
10:20 All you need to do is find a good topic like Bobby did.
10:23 Though I wouldn't go near the flag, Bobby's pretty much written the final word on that.
10:29 >> I wrote Bobby's essay.
10:31 >> What?
10:32 No, no.
10:33 That flag inspired Bobby to greater heights.
10:36 >> It was all me.
10:38 >> You wrote the whole thing?
10:40 >> You know, he has never even thanked me, not once.
10:43 And would it kill him to say to people, "My mom helped me with that line" or "My mom wrote that essay.
10:49 I had nothing to do with it"?
10:50 >> Well, I agree he shouldn't take credit, but you shouldn't have written it for him in the first place.
10:55 From where I'm sitting, you both screwed up.
10:57 Now, what are you going to do about it?
10:59 >> Well, I cannot speak for Bobby.
11:01 >> Well, you have no problem writing for him.
11:03 >> Damn straight.
11:04 I got an A.
11:06 [yawns]
11:10 >> Gwyneth.
11:12 Super-lution pole.
11:14 Where's my lunch?
11:16 >> Khan, wake up!
11:17 It's 10.30.
11:18 You're late for work.
11:20 >> What?
11:21 Man, it's still dark out.
11:23 [yawns]
11:30 [screams]
11:35 >> Khan?
11:37 You touch that flag, that'll be the last thing you ever touch.
11:42 [screams]
11:52 [growls]
12:02 >> Hey, Bobby.
12:04 >> Hey, Clark.
12:06 >> I've never said anything, but I really admire your writing.
12:10 >> Uh-huh.
12:12 >> If I had a gift like yours, I'd share it.
12:15 >> That's nice.
12:22 >> My favorite hobby.
12:24 It's due Thursday.
12:26 I'll turn it in Friday so they don't get suspicious.
12:39 >> You have something you want to say to me?
12:41 >> Yeah, well, everyone's asking me to help them
12:44 with their papers because, well, you know,
12:47 I'm the best writer in school.
12:50 >> Really?
12:51 Well, you are not the best writer in the school.
12:53 I am.
12:54 I wrote that essay.
12:56 Me.
12:57 >> I never said you didn't.
12:58 >> Yes, you did.
13:00 Now, if you don't mind, I have to get back to my musings column
13:03 because no one is going to write it for me.
13:05 >> I thought the bystander wasn't running musings anymore.
13:09 >> Yes, well, in the time it took them to turn down my last batch,
13:13 I have written 185 more, 161 of those being pure gold.
13:21 The rest are resubmissions.
13:31 >> If you like knitting, you'll love this yarn.
13:37 >> Clark Peters, my boy, you found your hobby.
13:44 >> Did you read the bystander this morning, Hank?
13:48 >> No, not yet.
13:50 Huh, it's Frank Gorshin's birthday.
13:53 He was the riddler, you know.
13:55 >> Next to the birthday column, Hank.
13:57 >> Your musings are back.
13:58 Hey, good for you, Peggy.
14:00 How'd you do it?
14:01 >> I bought ad space.
14:04 >> Uh, huh.
14:05 >> Damn right.
14:06 Let the readers get hooked again.
14:08 That's when I pull the ad and wait for the call.
14:26 >> So many people like to knit.
14:30 >> Oh, I see you read my column.
14:32 >> Twice.
14:34 >> Thank you.
14:36 Would you mind writing a letter to the editor to that effect?
14:39 >> Well, if I write one for you, I'd have to write one for Clark Peters.
14:43 >> Well, if you think it would -- I don't follow.
14:46 >> It seems both you and Clark Peters believe that, quote,
14:51 "When it comes to tea cozies, it's either crochet or the highway."
14:56 Now, that doesn't sound like the Clark Peters I know.
14:59 The Clark Peters I know likes to burn things.
15:02 >> Oh, my God.
15:04 I feel so plagiarized.
15:06 >> Plagiarism?
15:07 That's a serious accusation.
15:09 One you might have to level at my entire seventh grade class,
15:12 which has turned in papers on napkin rings, those useful things, autumn,
15:18 love it or leaf it, and my favorite,
15:21 did you know Emily's husband is having an affair with root beer?
15:27 Oh, don't worry.
15:28 She's not jealous.
15:30 >> Okay, obviously someone has hacked into my K-Pro.
15:34 >> I can believe that.
15:36 Or I can believe the nine children who told me Bobby wrote their essays.
15:43 >> Bobby Hill, get over here!
15:47 How dare you steal my musings?
15:50 It's your fault for writing my flag essay and getting me an A.
15:55 Nobody bothered me when I was a C student.
15:58 Bobby.
15:59 >> Well, now we're getting somewhere.
16:02 >> If I may steal something from your musings, the sauce thickens.
16:07 >> What do you want?
16:09 Huh?
16:10 Money?
16:11 I spent it all on that ad.
16:12 >> I think the right thing to do would be to apologize.
16:15 >> Right.
16:16 Bobby, tell her you're sorry.
16:17 >> No, not to me, but to the entire student body.
16:21 And what better place than tomorrow's assembly?
16:24 I suggest you each write your own apologies.
16:27 Otherwise, I will file a formal complaint with Principal Moss.
16:31 >> What did they teach you in that graduate school?
16:35 >> How to survive.
16:41 >> Ugh.
16:43 I guess deep down inside, part of me always knew I didn't deserve that A.
16:49 >> Oh, God.
16:50 When those students see me on stage,
16:52 they're going to expect me to receive another substitute teacher of the year award.
16:56 Not a self-administered tongue-lashing.
16:59 Uh-uh.
17:00 I'm sorry.
17:01 I cannot do it.
17:02 I won't.
17:03 It is not fair to the students.
17:04 >> What you two did was wrong.
17:06 You've not only disgraced the flag, you've disgraced the republic for which it stands.
17:11 If I were you, I'd start writing your apologies.
17:14 And if I were you, I'd hide yours from Bobby.
17:18 >> This is all my fault, Mom.
17:21 I'm so sorry.
17:23 >> I am sorry, too.
17:24 But I will be damned if I'm going to get up on that stage and apologize to that woman.
17:29 >> We have no choice.
17:31 If we don't go to the assembly, Mrs. Donovan's going to turn us in to Principal Moss.
17:37 >> Oh, don't worry.
17:38 We are going to that assembly, and we are going to put on one hell of a show.
17:43 >> What do you mean?
17:44 >> Those students don't need an apology.
17:46 They need something to believe in, and that's what we'll give them.
17:51 >> Boy loves his country.
17:54 Mother loves her son.
17:56 It says American is apple pie.
17:58 >> And if Donovan says boo, they'll hang her for treason.
18:02 >> Yeah!
18:03 I love apple pie!
18:06 >> That flag got us into this mess, and that flag is going to get us out.
18:11 At tomorrow's assembly, we will give those saps a good old-fashioned star-spangled snow job.
18:19 We will set it all up tonight.
18:24 Get the keys to his truck from his pants while I distract him.
18:29 Go!
18:31 >> Oh, honey, is the grout cracking around the tub?
18:34 >> What?
18:38 Good Lord.
18:40 >> Now, at night, Mr. Dautry keeps that flag folded in his garage.
18:46 >> Oh!
18:51 >> Ah-hoo!
18:54 >> Uh, all right, change in plan.
18:57 I've taken down laundry.
18:58 I can take down a flag.
19:00 >> And I can drive a truck.
19:02 >> Oh, yeah!
19:03 >> Come with me.
19:09 >> Okay, little more.
19:11 More.
19:12 Keep coming.
19:13 Little more.
19:14 Okay, you're fine.
19:15 All right, now, let's fold as we go.
19:18 And remember, we are stealing this flag.
19:21 We are not disgracing it.
19:23 Ready?
19:25 >> Ow!
19:26 Ow!
19:38 >> Bobby, honey, do not look over.
19:41 Wait.
19:42 No, no, that makes you look guilty.
19:44 Look over.
19:55 Perfect.
20:02 The flag!
20:03 Quick, Bobby, get back in that truck.
20:05 We have got to retrace our steps.
20:11 Oh, no!
20:12 Bobby, get out and check.
20:14 Oh, please let it be a speed bump.
20:16 Speed bump.
20:17 Come on, speed bump.
20:19 Speed bump, right?
20:20 >> No, it's the flag.
20:23 And it's wrapped around the axle.
20:25 >> Oh!
20:26 >> All right, slowly drive forward.
20:34 Okay, and you're free.
20:37 When you start your speech, I'll pull a rope and old glory will unfurl behind you.
20:43 Then hold for applause.
20:46 When we get the music pumping and the dry ice all going and those flares are lit, they will not know what hit them.
20:53 I want to see what the flares look like from the back of the house.
20:58 Light the flares, Bobby!
21:01 Oh, they are beautiful!
21:05 This is going to work.
21:08 Oh, God, no!
21:13 Bobby, save the flag!
21:14 It's already burned and wet.
21:18 Well, don't just stand there.
21:20 Rip it down and let's get out of here.
21:32 [ Screaming ]
21:38 What kind of animal would do such a thing?
21:43 A bear?
21:49 I present this flag for final inspection.
21:52 At bitten disposal, sir.
21:56 Has this flag been inspected by the sergeant at arms?
21:59 Yes, sir.
22:01 Sergeant, what does the inspection show and what do you recommend?
22:05 Since this flag has become old, ripped, wet, burned, and soiled upon in a tribute of service,
22:13 I recommend that it fittingly be destroyed by burning, sir.
22:19 And the JV basketball team collects $24.60.
22:24 Well, sure, there you go.
22:27 And that's my honor and privilege to introduce one of TLMS's best and brightest.
22:32 Look out for this, kid.
22:34 Bobby Hill.
22:39 I go away for three years and you take my parking space right from under me.
22:43 No, ma'am.
22:46 I'm not a banker or a lawyer, but I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
22:53 A great writer wrote those words, my mom, Peggy Hill.
22:59 She also wrote my essay and many of yours.
23:05 What has this school taught us about the flag?
23:09 I say the Pledge of Allegiance every day, but I don't know what it means.
23:15 I hear the Star Spangled Banner before every football game,
23:19 but by oh say can you see, I'm looking for the guy with the peanuts.
23:25 But today, I watched a grown man cry while his flag burned.
23:32 And when I saw how much it meant to him, I realized how much it should have meant to me.
23:41 So tomorrow, if you're sitting next to me in detention
23:46 and one of your spitballs comes anywhere near that flag,
23:51 you better watch your back.
23:53 Todd Landry rules!
23:57 God bless America.
24:01 That was tricky, Bobby. I can see why that got him out.
24:07 Now let's bring on the marching band.
24:10 [music]
24:21 [music]
24:29 [music]
24:39 [music]
24:49 [music]
24:55 What works for me, say, is...