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AmusantTranscription
00:00 Boy, look at Pops go.
00:04 Eighty years old and he still has the reaction time to Mr. Sprinkler heads.
00:09 Tony Curtis is 80.
00:11 Ha, look at him.
00:14 Now he's just showboating.
00:19 Come on, Pops.
00:20 Let's see those hands at ten and two.
00:24 Uh, Pops?
00:27 You're a little bit too pompous, ain't you?
00:33 Oh, man, I don't know.
00:34 Hey, man.
00:35 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:36 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:40 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:44 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:47 (rock music)
00:49 Boy, I tell ya, it's sad,
01:15 but at least he went doing what he loved.
01:17 - Well, we should all be so lucky.
01:20 You know how I wanna go?
01:21 Right here in Niley with you guys.
01:24 It'll probably be my heart the way things are going.
01:27 Oh, hey, we should rent that house ourselves.
01:33 We could turn it into a clubhouse.
01:36 - I am currently an official supporter
01:38 of the clubhouse idea.
01:40 I also reserve the right to be called Dash.
01:44 - Then I'll be Spike.
01:45 - A clubhouse?
01:47 I don't know, isn't that something you do
01:49 when you're in your 30s?
01:51 - Oh, man, come on, Hank,
01:52 you don't get another little DVD player, man.
01:55 They gonna come in and they'll show you
01:56 Jessica Rabbit on it,
01:57 and they'll come free-framing on it.
01:59 You come back and they'll feed you a full beer too, man.
02:02 (laughs)
02:03 - Well, Boom Hauer, I tell you, you oughta be in sales.
02:07 All right, I'm in.
02:08 - Welcome to the clubhouse, Hank.
02:10 - What do you wanna be called?
02:12 - How about Rudy?
02:13 - How about Hank?
02:15 - Hank it is, Rudy.
02:17 (sad music)
02:20 - You are so late.
02:26 You know I like my bath at 9.30 with my onion loaf.
02:30 - I'm sorry, the cash register didn't balance,
02:33 and it took Gary 20 minutes to confess.
02:37 Do you mind if I just take a quick shower first?
02:41 I smell like white dressing.
02:43 - I'm sorry, my bath is already drawn.
02:46 (laughs)
02:48 - Okay, I'm taking off my boxers.
02:54 (laughs)
02:56 What the?
02:58 Bah, Luann!
03:01 - Oh my God, I thought you guys were sleeping.
03:04 (laughs)
03:06 But you guys weren't sleeping.
03:08 - Exit the master bedroom right now.
03:12 (door opens)
03:14 - Boxers.
03:15 Luann, we have rules in this house.
03:20 - Why are you guys getting so upset?
03:22 I didn't see anything.
03:24 - You saw your uncle's nipples.
03:26 - Ugh.
03:27 - The way I see it, you are in direct violation
03:31 of four of our rules.
03:33 - You had it notarized?
03:37 - No water usage after 10 p.m.
03:40 9 p.m. curfew on school nights.
03:43 Entering the master bedroom without verbal permission.
03:47 And you're barefoot in the kitchen.
03:49 Lady Bird eats off that floor.
03:51 - God only has 10 rules, Uncle Hank.
03:54 And his house is much bigger.
03:57 - All right, Dale, for the last time,
04:01 I can't turn in this rental application
04:03 without your social security number.
04:06 - Fine.
04:08 Fine.
04:09 Five, five, five.
04:11 Five, five.
04:13 - That's not even enough numbers.
04:18 - Five.
04:19 Five.
04:21 - Okay, I'm leaving your name off,
04:23 but you're still responsible for 1/4 of the rent.
04:27 I figure I can pull my extra workbench out of public storage
04:31 and keep it in the clubhouse.
04:33 That'll save me a few bucks a month.
04:35 And I've given it some thought,
04:36 and I've decided to start charging Lou Anne
04:39 some rent for living in my den.
04:42 - See a house right across from me.
04:45 - They wanna use our clubhouse as their living quarters.
04:49 Hank, we have to do something.
04:52 - I don't know, Con.
04:54 The house looks nice,
04:55 but the neighborhood looks a little hillbilly to me.
04:58 - Hillbilly?
04:59 I have an idea.
05:00 Follow my lead.
05:04 - Hey, Mr. Con, them some fancy blue jeans
05:08 y'all's lady friend is wearing.
05:11 - They must be city folk.
05:13 I just whooped up a new batch of possum stew
05:16 I'd be willing to share with you.
05:19 Don't worry, I took off the feet.
05:21 - What did he just say?
05:22 - All great chefs doing that now.
05:25 Wolfgang Puck cut their feet off for everything.
05:27 - Got my own pie knife, got my own fiddle.
05:30 Sun's coming up, I got gribble, gribble, gribble.
05:33 - Life ain't nothing but a funny, funny riddle.
05:37 Thank God I'm a country boy.
05:40 - They just day laborers.
05:42 They're putting in my deck.
05:44 (laughing)
05:46 - Our plan worked.
05:48 Spike, Rudy, Boomhauer,
05:50 let's check out our new clubhouse.
05:52 - Yeah, man, you talking about everybody
05:54 out there on the dick and anger except me, man.
05:56 I don't doubt a lot of white man out there.
05:59 - All right, Boomhauer, what do you wanna be called?
06:02 - You know, B-Dog.
06:04 - So I figure if we knock down that wall
06:08 and build a new wall over there, that'd be fun.
06:13 - Hey, our refrigerator.
06:15 - Look, Pops last beer.
06:20 - Huh.
06:21 Huh, two Pops.
06:27 That son of a bitch had a swimming pool?
06:32 - I thought I heard splashing.
06:34 - How could you not know?
06:35 You lived next door to him for 18 years.
06:39 - I thought he lived on a lake.
06:41 - What lake?
06:41 - It was none of my business.
06:43 - So, you're the ones who broke my lockbox.
06:46 - Uh, was the open house canceled?
06:49 - I'm sorry, this house has already been rented
06:52 to a lovely college student.
06:53 - College student?
06:55 No college student's gonna have a credit history like mine.
07:01 - Here are your keys, Miss Platter, welcome home.
07:05 - Luanne?
07:07 - Young lady, you better march right back into Hank's den.
07:11 That's your home and that will always be your home.
07:14 Right, Hank?
07:16 - Luanne, welcome to your new home.
07:19 I'm not gonna be stingy with the packing tape, Luanne.
07:28 You tape away.
07:29 - It's not that I want to move,
07:32 it's just that I hate living here.
07:35 This is too many rules.
07:37 - Yep, way too many rules.
07:39 Goodbye.
07:40 - And if I have to pay rent,
07:42 I'm not gonna sleep in a den and share a bathtub
07:45 with a 12 year old boy, okay?
07:47 - Rent?
07:48 Excuse me, Hank, did you pass a new law
07:52 while this hill was not in session?
07:54 - Just tied up a rental loophole.
07:56 The important thing is she's happy.
07:59 And I'm not paying for it all alone.
08:02 See, this friend of mine who got kicked out of her apartment,
08:05 she had three roommates who also got kicked
08:08 out of the apartment, and she said I could have them.
08:12 I don't know.
08:15 I just think that I should move out
08:17 before we end up hating each other.
08:20 - Oh, Luanne, we could never hate.
08:22 - She's making a good point, Peggy.
08:24 (upbeat music)
08:28 - We lost everything so fast,
08:32 and Hank did nothing to stop it, like the Swiss.
08:35 - How's your precious Dan?
08:37 - Visual confirmation, roommate number one, female.
08:42 - Dating the jarhead, huh?
08:44 Yeah, my first choice was the Marines,
08:48 but I couldn't do enough sit-ups to be a Marine Corps barber.
08:52 - Ten for five.
08:55 - Oh, great, we've got a disco dancer.
08:58 - Anyone can move slow.
09:01 (suspenseful music)
09:04 - Hey, guys drinking beer?
09:13 You're in my parking spot.
09:15 - No, I don't think so.
09:17 This is where we assemble.
09:19 Always has been.
09:20 - Well, always has been Texas Penal Code 49.02,
09:25 which prohibits public drunkenness.
09:28 - What are you talking about?
09:29 Nobody's drunk here.
09:31 - No, I don't know, Hank, I'm pretty buzzed.
09:34 - My lease says this is my space.
09:36 (tires screeching)
09:37 - No! - Hey!
09:39 - Thought so.
09:43 - Gentlemen, I give you roommate number three.
09:50 I kinda like her.
09:51 - Fire, good deal.
09:53 ♪ Hello, all ♪
10:01 ♪ Hello, hello ♪
10:05 ♪ How'd things go for you today ♪
10:10 ♪ Don't you miss her ♪
10:13 - Little help?
10:17 Thank you.
10:20 (crickets chirping)
10:23 - Now you've got a lawsuit.
10:27 - The audacity!
10:30 I have unplugged your house from my house.
10:36 - That's not very neighborly of you.
10:39 You know, when it hits 105 degrees
10:41 and you wanna use my pool and drink my soy shakes,
10:45 I'm gonna remember this.
10:46 - Yeah, well, there goes your welcome wagon tool set.
10:50 You happy?
10:51 (upbeat music)
10:55 - So, who'd like to meet my other roommates?
10:59 (giggles)
11:00 The manger babies!
11:02 This is the original Feather Bolton III, and...
11:06 Oh, I know what you're thinking.
11:10 I perform a Christian puppet show, and I--
11:13 - Okay, we need to go to the grocery store.
11:16 - I already went to the store,
11:18 and Sir Reginald noticed how expensive food is these days.
11:23 - There's food?
11:24 - They're not gonna leave you a scrap, what what?
11:30 (humming)
11:32 - One in the garage, one in the den.
11:36 - What you doing?
11:40 - Oh, nothing.
11:42 Just working on my den.
11:45 - I always wanted a clubhouse with a secret knock.
11:56 How about...
11:57 No, that's a secret knock at the gun club.
12:03 I don't wanna get confused.
12:05 How about this?
12:11 You know, part of the reason I agreed
12:14 to the clubhouse idea was that one of the bedrooms
12:17 over there was gonna be my private den.
12:20 And, well, now that I've got my den--
12:23 (clears throat)
12:24 - Our clubhouse?
12:26 - My den.
12:28 - Yep, that's the official knock.
12:34 It'll hold us until I can get a retina scanner.
12:39 (gentle music)
12:41 - Hey guys, I figured out all the bills.
12:47 I used additions and subtractions.
12:51 - Ooh, wow, I'm gonna have to catch up with you later.
12:54 See, I have a bike race coming up
12:56 and there's gonna be this chick there that I dig,
12:58 so I need to get a new shirt that really sports my abs.
13:01 I mean, check it out.
13:02 - Yeah, I can't pay this right now either.
13:04 I'm going to Vegas this weekend.
13:06 - Um, okay.
13:09 The phone bill is pretty much 100% yours.
13:13 - So anyway, my little sister, she borrowed my Kangol hat.
13:18 Yes, I'm mad.
13:20 - Listen, when I signed up for phone service,
13:25 I signed a document that said I would pay on time.
13:28 I swore it on my mother's maiden name.
13:32 - You're kind of being a house Nazi right now, Luann.
13:36 (lips smack)
13:38 - Hello, I thought we agreed no smoking in the house.
13:41 - You know who else had anti-smoking laws?
13:44 Uh, who was it?
13:46 Oh yeah, Hitler!
13:48 - Nazi!
13:49 (upbeat music)
13:52 (snoring)
14:05 (sighs)
14:07 (knocking)
14:10 - Luann!
14:11 What's up, girlfriend?
14:13 I have not seen you in the longest.
14:17 - Oh, okay, you guys are finished with dinner already.
14:21 - What, are you hungry?
14:23 Luann, are you eating?
14:24 Do you need money?
14:25 Get my purse.
14:26 - No, no, no, no, no, Aunt Peggy, no.
14:28 I'm on my own now, and I don't need help from anyone.
14:33 - Oh, but I am doing a book report on what people eat for dinner.
14:38 So, what do you eat?
14:42 - Let me fix you a to-go plate.
14:44 - Hey, Luann, what you got there?
14:52 - Nothing, this isn't mine.
14:54 - It's nice to see Luann once in a while.
14:56 Knowing she'll be leaving kind of makes it like a fun game.
15:00 - There is nothing funny about starvation.
15:03 Except for comic relief, of course.
15:06 Now, Luann is very proud and may not accept our charity,
15:11 but she's also very hungry.
15:13 So, who knows?
15:15 - Luann is usually home from work by now.
15:18 - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
15:28 Guys can shave their legs, too?
15:31 That's very interesting.
15:34 - Peggy! - Bobby!
15:35 - Sorry, Dad.
15:36 - Heads up, Derfure is home from work.
15:38 - Whose turn is it to take the trash out?
15:45 Don't make me get out the tour wheel.
15:48 Oh, Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy, you're here.
15:53 - We brought a casserole for dinner.
15:55 - No, no, no, no, no, I won't share a bit.
15:57 I'm on my own now, and I can make you dinner.
16:00 Dinner, I'm on it.
16:02 Aw, crap, dinner!
16:05 Uh, where are crackers?
16:09 Where is my macaroni?
16:12 And the cheese?
16:14 Where are my Steagans?
16:17 That is it!
16:20 Who ate all my food?
16:23 Come forward!
16:24 - I needed a carbo-load.
16:26 - Ah! Griffin, eh you!
16:29 We said no shaving in the living room unless it was an emergency.
16:34 Ugh!
16:35 - Zeke-Kyle.
16:37 - When I think of how many stupid onion nuts I had to sell
16:41 so you people could talk on the phone and eat my cookies,
16:46 it makes me so...
16:48 (sobbing)
16:50 Ugh, ugh, ugh!
16:53 - Maybe we should intervene.
16:56 You go talk to the German one.
16:59 - We have rules in this house.
17:01 We all agree to them, people.
17:04 I'm counting at least for...
17:06 12! 12 violations!
17:09 - Oh. My. God.
17:15 I have become... you!
17:19 Oh!
17:22 I hate myself!
17:25 (sobbing)
17:27 - I'm worried about Luanne.
17:34 She hates herself because she's become Bobby?
17:37 I mean, what's that all about?
17:39 - Hank, she was pointing at you.
17:41 She's become you, and that is why she hates herself.
17:45 - Oh, well then she's just crazy.
17:47 - Hank, please talk to her.
17:49 I can hear her crying in her room.
17:51 - Her room? My den!
17:54 And for all we know, she could be laughing.
17:57 All right.
18:00 (sobbing)
18:03 - It is very sad to see people take advantage of the kindness of others.
18:11 - Yes, it is.
18:13 - All right. Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, get out. Come on.
18:18 Spike, Dash, B-Dog...
18:21 You know, back in your house when you said, "I've become you"?
18:31 - Yeah?
18:32 - Well, you said it like, "I've become you,"
18:36 when, well, you probably could have said it more like, "Hey, I've become you."
18:42 - What?
18:43 - You see, Luanne, a lot of good stuff happened in the world when people were like me.
18:49 Sure, they'll never write a Hollywood musical about a fella who keeps his yard free of debris
18:55 and pays his bills on time,
18:58 and the MTV won't put on a video about a man who requires shoes in the kitchen,
19:04 but it's because of people like us.
19:06 - But I'm not like you.
19:08 This is just too much for me.
19:11 Oh, and all the bills, and they mooch my food,
19:16 and they're always on the phone,
19:18 and I just can't take it anymore.
19:20 I can't stand one more day.
19:22 They're wearing my socks.
19:24 Uncle Hank!
19:25 Oh, God! Oh, God, I need a paper bag!
19:31 - Now, take it easy.
19:33 You didn't see me getting all huffy every time you made me mad.
19:37 - I made you mad?
19:39 - Sure, and you are three times the pain in the butt these kids are.
19:44 - Oh, good.
19:46 Then you'll be able to handle them for me.
19:49 - Maybe I could, but I don't want to give you a fish, Luanne.
19:53 I want to teach you how to fish.
19:56 That way, you'll eat forever.
19:58 - Hello, I'm with the electric company.
20:01 Don't mind me. I'll only be a minute.
20:04 I'm on break.
20:08 Please continue with your private conversation.
20:12 Do not worry.
20:13 I am deaf and cannot hear what you are saying.
20:17 - You know, Luanne, you and I both wanted a little place of our own.
20:22 I thought my den would be my oasis,
20:25 but now the only place I can get away from the various annoyances in my life is...
20:31 - Is?
20:33 - Is my lawn.
20:37 When I'm out there mowing, edging, watering, even fertilizing,
20:43 nothing else matters.
20:45 Yep, that's what you gotta do, Luanne.
20:47 Find yourself a project.
20:49 Find your own lawn.
20:52 - That's it?
20:56 - I couldn't help but overhear your uncle's bad advice.
21:00 - What? - Aha!
21:01 It is I, Dale Grubble, master of a thousand faces.
21:06 You just met face number two, the deaf electrician.
21:11 The only thing your roommates, i.e. enemies, will understand is fear,
21:16 i.e. psychological warfare, i.e. dirty tricks.
21:21 It worked for Dick Nixon.
21:23 - Well, but... - For example,
21:25 get a hold of some goat's blood.
21:27 Taint that blood.
21:29 Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat's blood.
21:33 It's a perfect plan.
21:35 - I don't want to hurt anyone.
21:37 I just want them to do the dishes.
21:40 - Oh.
21:41 Well, in that case, stack the dishes in the shower.
21:44 That's the way Nancy gets me to do 'em.
21:47 - Luanne, do you mind?
21:53 - Ech! What are you doing?
21:55 - Well, somebody left a bunch of dishes in the shower.
21:58 That's kind of rude.
22:03 - Good Lord, I hate these people.
22:06 - Oh.
22:07 - I know, Jesus. I know.
22:09 You told me never to say "hate."
22:11 - I'm sorry, Lord.
22:13 I really, really do.
22:16 - Truth or dare?
22:32 - Dare!
22:33 - Oh.
22:34 - Hey, Uncle Hank.
22:46 Guess what?
22:47 Right this second,
22:49 the pH balance in this pool
22:52 is absolutely perfect.
22:55 - So you found yourself a project.
22:58 - Isn't that the same, uh, high I get from lawn care?
23:03 - You know, I think I do.
23:07 - Excuse me.
23:09 - You didn't pay your bills, did you?
23:11 Oh, well, Luanne, at least you tried.
23:14 - Oh.
23:15 I paid my bills.
23:17 And then I closed all the accounts.
23:20 If my roommates want gas, water, electricity, or a phone,
23:25 they can just open up their own accounts.
23:27 Simple as that.
23:29 - You know, if you're ever up late studying for a test
23:34 and you want a little electricity,
23:36 I've still got that extension cord.
23:38 - No, thanks, Uncle Hank.
23:41 You taught me how to fish.
23:45 [water splashes]
23:47 - Yep.
24:01 - Yep.
24:03 [music]
24:06 [knocking]
24:22 - Well, this place looks terrible.
24:25 You in, Pops?
24:27 - Oh, that old guy.
24:29 Yeah, he died.
24:31 - Dead?
24:32 Then I'm arresting you for suspicion of murder.
24:35 Grab him, Popsy.
24:37 - All right, boy.
24:39 - Hey, get your hands off me, you Nazi.
24:41 - Who are you calling a Nazi?
24:44 [screams]
24:46 - All right, Popsy, let's roll.
24:53 - Truth or dare?