Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 [MUSIC]
00:30 [MUSIC]
00:32 [MUSIC]
00:34 You want potatoes with that buck?
00:36 Oh, I do, Miss Bible. Scattered, smothered, covered. Hank will have a seam.
00:41 Actually, I prefer my potatoes diced and chunked and...
00:45 I already ordered for you. Now listen up.
00:47 Timber Commerce is putting together a co-ed softball league. I want you to play and be head coach.
00:53 Head coach? Like Tom Landry?
00:57 I'm going to need a moment here, sir.
01:00 What you got, Buck? Vanilla milkshake? Doctor wants you to put on another 40 pounds?
01:07 Get out of here, Thaddison.
01:09 Oh, where are my manners? Allow me to introduce the newest dispatcher at Thadderton Fuels, Mrs. Rita Bovacqua.
01:17 Bovacqua, huh. Is that any relation to former Texas Rangers third baseman Kurt Bovacqua?
01:24 Kurt's my husband by marriage.
01:26 The Chamber of Commerce rulebook says immediate family is eligible to play.
01:30 Husband falls under the category of immediate family, don't it, boys?
01:35 [MUSIC]
01:37 Thadderton!
01:39 I hope my picture isn't at the edge of the page. Last year it just said Connie Soup.
01:46 Yeah, but I could still tell it was you, even without the hoonoos and pong.
01:51 You're so sweet, Bobby.
01:53 I can't help it.
01:56 You guys are a couple.
01:59 Can you believe they put that picture in there?
02:03 Yeah. Can you believe it?
02:07 [MUSIC]
02:18 Hank, what are you doing here?
02:20 Did Bobby do something to his eye?
02:22 No, no, no. Strickland Propane is going to have a softball team, and I was named the head coach.
02:28 Well, congratulations, Hank. My game went well. Thank you so much for asking.
02:34 Here's the best part. It's a co-ed league with a woman must pitch rule, so you'll be pitching for Team Strickland.
02:40 But I already pitched for a team, Hank. The Lady Giants.
02:44 But this is a chance to play in a serious league against men.
02:48 See how you do against batters who can really put some aluminum into the ball.
02:52 I am in a serious league, Hank. Of course, you wouldn't know how serious, because you've never come to one of my games.
02:58 Peggy, you know that Tuesday's my night to drink beer in the alley with the guys?
03:03 It has been for years.
03:05 [MUSIC]
03:07 See, I got Enrique at shortstop, and Joe Jack in center field.
03:11 I'll have to put Mr. Strickland at catcher.
03:14 It's the only position his cardiologist would clear him to play.
03:17 And he, uh, has to sit on a stool.
03:20 I wish you could coach my Army softball team, Hank. We don't have any good leaders.
03:27 That's classified.
03:29 This Chamber of Comm-E-Earth's league discriminates against the self-employed.
03:34 I'm a one-man extermination corporation. How am I supposed to play?
03:39 Those are the rules, Dale. You gotta have a Strickland pay stub or be a Strickland wife.
03:44 [GRUNTING]
03:46 I've sprayed Strickland for termites. I have a pay stub. I'm on the team! I'm on the team!
03:52 [LAUGHING]
03:54 Get your arrow, girl cookies!
03:57 Hey, Connie, wanna see me do a...
04:01 [CRASH]
04:03 What a dork. My mom spent two hours stacking those boxes.
04:08 Got milk?
04:11 'Cause you got cookies. Am I right?
04:15 Connie, tell your boyfriend to go away. He's hurting business.
04:21 Just 'cause we're on the couple's page doesn't mean he's my boyfriend.
04:25 I know that. Uh, I-I just came to buy a box of arrow girl cookies.
04:32 [CRUNCH]
04:34 [GRUNTING]
04:36 These cookies stink! They're waxy and stale!
04:41 [GROANING]
04:43 Bobby, maybe you should go, okay?
04:47 [CRUNCH]
04:49 All right, Debbie, fire one in there. Let's see what Joe Jack's got.
04:56 [GRUNT]
04:58 Get outta here, baby.
05:00 [CHATTER]
05:02 All right, somebody pick up the dang ball.
05:06 [GRUNT]
05:12 [GRUNT]
05:13 Back it up, fellas. I'm going deep.
05:17 Ha-ha!
05:21 Darn, got it! Hey, give me a booster off this dang stool, will ya?
05:25 [CHATTER]
05:30 [GRUNT]
05:32 I'm gonna get that son of a bitch!
05:35 [GRUNT]
05:37 Mr. Strickland, sir, throw the dang ball.
05:41 [GRUNT]
05:42 Oh, I got him! I-I got him!
05:44 Oh, I-oh! Shoot, I'm having a bucket!
05:48 [GRUNTING]
05:50 Oh, my God, Mr. Strickland!
05:52 Safe!
05:54 [CHUCKLE]
05:59 You know, my offer's still open.
06:01 We could really use a good pitcher, I tell you what.
06:05 Mm, 'cause if you can pitch as good as you make cookies...
06:08 My answer is still no. And Bobby Batham.
06:12 What?
06:13 I use double the butter. Aren't they great?
06:16 Better than the Arrow Girls.
06:18 Oh, God, you didn't join the Arrow Girls, did you?
06:21 No, and I never will.
06:24 But I will sell more cookies than troop number 159,
06:28 Connie Super Noose and Bone Secretary Treasure.
06:32 Just don't wear the apron out of the house, please.
06:36 Okay, Hank, I drove you here and I helped you carry the bats.
06:45 They seem light enough for one person, but what's done is done.
06:49 Yeah, well, as long as you're here,
06:51 maybe you could give Debbie some pointers on pitching.
06:54 Here, I brought your mitt.
06:57 Goodbye, honey.
06:59 Now I know what stinks so bad. Strickland's pitching.
07:05 Oh, what can he do? The league requires a woman pitcher.
07:09 Unlike I tell my gym class, "Girls can't play sports."
07:13 At least I found one that can get it over the plate, if you know what I mean.
07:18 I'm having sex with her.
07:22 [LAUGHTER]
07:24 She's no good at sports, right?
07:27 Hamilton!
07:29 Oh, yeah!
07:36 I'm saving my good stuff for our first game.
07:43 [HARMONICA PLAYING]
07:46 [LAUGHTER]
08:01 One up, one down, a strikeout for Patty Hill.
08:12 Hill!
08:14 I'm gonna sit down now. Yeah, Peggy!
08:28 15 strikeouts for Peggy Hill, and your winner is the Strickland Bobcats!
08:36 All right.
08:40 [LAUGHTER]
08:42 You know, this team didn't coach itself.
08:52 He's right. Nice job, Hank.
08:56 Oh, man, did you see that second bun I laid down?
09:07 They threw you out by 20 feet, you sweet gazelle.
09:11 All right, quiet down, team.
09:15 Okay, I'd like to say a few words as coach.
09:19 That was a good team effort out there, everybody.
09:22 Joe Jack, you got yourself a couple RBIs. Nice going.
09:26 Enrique, dynamite job of catching.
09:28 Aren't you forgetting someone, coach?
09:30 All right, all right.
09:32 I might be a little biased.
09:35 But I did coach one heck of a game, I tell you what.
09:39 So thank you, and enjoy your pizza.
09:42 And not one of my beauty school credits has transferred to junior college.
09:50 It turns out you have to get at least a C.
09:53 Never hurts to quit.
09:56 I'm hungry. Where's Dad?
09:59 Probably busy patting himself on the back for giving birth to you.
10:04 Morning.
10:07 Time to flip 'em.
10:09 Uh-uh. They're not ready yet.
10:14 They're brown around the edges, Peggy. You don't want to burn 'em.
10:17 Hank, I have been flapping jacks for 32 years.
10:20 Well, it's never too late to learn how to do it right.
10:23 Here, let me show you.
10:26 There is nothing you can show me.
10:29 Please be careful with the pancakes.
10:33 Don't buy inferior Arrow Girl cookies.
10:39 What are they offering?
10:41 Oatmeal. That's for breakfast.
10:44 Mints? What are you, 60?
10:47 And dog poop.
10:49 What kind of flavor is that for a cookie?
10:52 Oh, my mistake. That's their peanut butter.
10:57 Hello, ladies.
10:59 Bobby, what are you doing?
11:01 I am trying to restore the good name of cookies.
11:04 Here, taste.
11:07 Ew! This tastes like mud.
11:10 What? That's a lie. You take that back.
11:14 Taste it, Connie.
11:16 Don't do it. Don't let him make you eat mud.
11:18 This isn't funny, Bobby.
11:20 Connie, wait. There's nothing wrong with Bobby's cookies.
11:24 Look at me. I'm eating them.
11:26 They've got your head all turned around.
11:30 Sorry I'm late.
11:38 That's what I get for picking the most popular gynecologist in Arlen.
11:42 Well, try not to let it happen again.
11:44 I can't let the players think I'm giving you special treatment,
11:47 'cause you're, you know, my wife.
11:50 Good afternoon, Lou Anne.
11:52 Hi, Uncle Hank.
11:54 Run along now.
11:55 Hank, Lou Anne has been my catcher for the last two seasons.
11:59 I need her behind the plate.
12:01 Enrique is a nice man, but he has got a porcelain hand.
12:05 I'm afraid to throw full speed.
12:06 Look, the roster's already set, and we already have three women on the team.
12:11 Now, here you're right. You said you want to replace our catcher, Enrique, with this little filly?
12:16 Lou Anne has a lot of experience catching me.
12:19 But I told her, sir, that we didn't have any room.
12:22 Enrique, you're fired!
12:24 Pero yo tengo tres niños.
12:25 Ha! Just kidding!
12:27 Hank, take him somewhere.
12:29 He's got three! What a phenomenal play for Peggy Hill!
12:48 Peggy, Peggy, throw it here!
12:50 There! And on three.
12:58 Okay, let's walk this next batter, set up the double play.
13:12 Oh, Hank, I can stand on my own.
13:14 No, it's not good strategy.
13:16 Walk this gal and pitch to the one with the ridiculous implants up next.
13:20 Come here.
13:39 Come here.
13:40 Outfield shift.
13:51 No, no, no, shift back. That's right, a little more.
13:55 Say, what?
14:04 Are you blind? He was out by two steps.
14:07 Hey, man, get off my face, man.
14:09 You haven't made the right call since this game started.
14:11 This isn't about my wife.
14:13 Hey, I'll kick your ass, I tell you what!
14:16 Get out of here!
14:18 Peggy?
14:24 Hello, Hank.
14:26 So, uh, did we win?
14:28 Uh-huh.
14:30 How could you get me thrown out of the game?
14:33 Me? What did I have to do with it?
14:35 It never would have happened if you didn't shift the fielders back after I moved 'em.
14:40 You embarrassed me as your husband, I mean coach.
14:44 Well, coach, if you had moved them to the right place in the first place...
14:47 I told you to walk that stripper.
14:49 What? That was a week ago.
14:51 And I always got to position players in my other leg.
14:54 Oh, sorry, that's right.
14:56 You wouldn't know that because you never came to watch me.
14:59 Well, you never watched me sell propane.
15:02 Hank, I am sick and tired of always batting last.
15:06 It's not fair to me.
15:08 You? You're the one who won't run fast 'cause you're afraid your hat'll fall off and your bald spot'll show.
15:15 Uh...
15:16 Everybody wants to be a superstar today.
15:19 Nobody wants to be a team player.
15:21 You know, when the coach told Mickey Mantle to take a pitch...
15:24 and he wasn't too hungover to see the sign, he took the pitch.
15:28 I tell you what...
15:30 Now batting for the Army, William Fontaine de la Tour d'Autriche!
15:39 All right, I want you to throw him some chin music.
15:44 Get him off the plate so he can't put his gut into it.
15:46 You don't know how to position an outfield.
15:49 You don't know when to flip a pancake.
15:51 And you don't know Jack Smith about pitching.
15:54 So back off, coach!
15:55 I'm not asking you as your coach. I'm asking you as your husband.
15:59 They're all looking at us.
16:01 Well, I am not your wife.
16:03 I mean, I am your...
16:05 Well, on the field, I am...
16:06 I love you.
16:08 Oh, yeah!
16:24 I'm all right. I'm all right.
16:29 (Grunts)
16:31 (Gasps)
16:32 (Grunts)
16:54 Okay, Peggy, I get the message. Now put it over the plate.
16:59 Made your point.
17:02 I am trying, Hank. I really am.
17:06 (Grunts)
17:08 Hello, Peggy. How is it, Peggy?
17:16 (Screams)
17:18 (Laughs)
17:20 (Screams)
17:22 (Screams)
17:24 There's nothing wrong with you that good coaching can't fix.
17:31 Bobby, come on in here, son.
17:33 Okay.
17:35 All right, play ball.
17:42 (Grunts)
17:50 I... I... I can't find the plate anymore.
17:53 Without my pitching, what am I?
17:55 I am just one more four-eyed boggle champion.
17:58 Okay, here's your problem.
18:00 You need to tuck your elbow in more and release earlier in your windmill.
18:04 Really? Are you sure? I think I...
18:07 Don't think. Thinking leads to overthinking.
18:10 Just listen to your coach.
18:18 Oh, my God! You killed my man!
18:22 Not really. But you really do suck, Peggy Hill.
18:26 (Sighs)
18:28 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
18:38 Oh. Oh, yeah.
18:40 Oh. Oh, yeah.
18:45 We're playing Fatherton's team today, Luan. Be careful.
18:49 He'll try every trick in the book to mess with the catcher,
18:53 including the use of off-color language.
18:56 Fatherton!
18:58 Luan, while the rest of Arlen was sleeping,
19:01 I was out in the yard throwing strikes.
19:04 And it is safe to say the pitch is back.
19:08 (Laughs)
19:09 Oh, Peggy.
19:11 Yeah. I'll bet you were tucking that elbow in, huh?
19:14 Just like I told you?
19:16 Tell you what, man. This place is a dang old ball.
19:21 Here we go, Peggy. Keep tucking that elbow in.
19:25 Ah, down on that one, Peggy. Take your bait.
19:30 Hey, Peggy, watch out!
19:32 Who's ready to take the cookie challenge?
19:39 On the left, Bobby's cookies, fresh and buttery.
19:44 On the right, Arrow Girl cookies, foul and musty.
19:50 Bobby Hill, you have mocked your last Arrow Girl cookie.
19:54 (Grunts)
19:55 No!
19:56 Hey, what are you doing?
20:02 Connie, help! Take the cookies!
20:05 No, we're getting rid of the mud cookies.
20:07 Connie, smash 'em!
20:09 Hey, these are great.
20:19 They don't taste like mud. They taste like...
20:22 (Gags)
20:23 ...butter.
20:24 (Gags)
20:25 Double the butter!
20:26 You lied to me. My boyfriend is a cookie genius.
20:30 Yeah, I am a cookie...
20:33 ...boyfriend?
20:35 No!
20:37 Going, going, gone!
20:43 That'll be fixed for propane, Fatherson.
20:46 No.
20:47 Oh, there's a double off the fence, and Fatherson takes the lead.
20:55 It's the bottom of the seventh and final inning.
21:00 Two outs, runners on first and second, and Strickland up only by a run.
21:07 Hey, Hank, your wife seems to have lost her stuff.
21:12 Maybe it's the presence of a real man on the field.
21:16 No, it is not.
21:17 Tuck that elbow, Peggy, square your hips.
21:19 Drive off the rubber concurrent with your release plane.
21:23 Concurrent, I said!
21:28 (Grunts)
21:30 The bases are juiced.
21:33 Next up, former Texas Ranger, Kurt the Buck Claw!
21:40 Come out there, I'm...
21:42 God dang it, Hank!
21:44 That'll do. Got more people on the bases than he does on his payroll.
21:48 He... Oh! Shoot!
21:51 Your gal's broke, Hank. She's broke.
21:54 Find a way to fix her. You're her husband.
21:57 Husband? What does that have to do with...
22:00 Hmm.
22:02 I gotta make a change, Peggy.
22:14 I'm sorry. I thought I had it worked out.
22:21 Debbie, you're playing first base.
22:26 And you, you strike this ringer out.
22:30 What are you doing, Dad?
22:41 I'm making the best coaching decision I ever made.
22:44 I'm taking myself out of the game so I can watch your mom pitch.
22:50 (Ball thuds)
22:52 Hey, man, you don't think the hugging me up would have some of them ranger tickets fun?
23:03 No.
23:04 Strike one!
23:06 (Grunts)
23:09 Strike two! Come on, Peggy, one more time!
23:14 You can do it, Mom!
23:18 Take him down, eh?
23:20 Oh, yeah!
23:25 (Grunts)
23:26 (Gasps)
23:29 (Groans)
23:35 (Grunts)
23:38 Now...
23:42 (Cheers)
23:44 He's strickland wins!
23:47 All right, you did it, Peggy!
23:51 Oh, Hank, you are the world's greatest coach!
23:54 (Laughs)
23:55 Yeah.
23:56 What about that?
23:59 (Laughs)
24:00 Of course, if Dale hadn't made that catch, it would have been a home run.
24:06 Oh, please. We both know that Kurt Mabachwa corks his bat.
24:10 He always has, and he always will.
24:12 Peggy, he was using an aluminum bat.
24:15 I didn't say he was smart, Hank. I said he was a cheater.
24:20 ####
24:24 ####
24:27 ####
24:54 Tell you what man, don't go blitzplacin', dang it!