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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:07 (upbeat music)
00:11 (upbeat music)
00:15 (upbeat music)
00:19 (bell ringing)
00:23 (upbeat music)
00:27 (bell ringing)
00:35 (upbeat music)
00:37 (panting)
00:40 - Hey kid, where's your hall pass?
00:47 - You got me.
00:48 My name is Ramon Tavares.
00:52 I'm in Mr. Powell's class.
00:54 - Ramon Tavares?
00:56 Why does your lunch bag say Bobby Hill?
00:59 - Because we can't spell Ramon.
01:01 What did I say?
01:04 (laughing)
01:05 - All right, get going, Ramon.
01:10 - Bobby Hill?
01:10 - Yeah?
01:12 - Oh, you're good.
01:14 (laughing)
01:16 - Yep.
01:18 - Yep.
01:19 - Yep.
01:20 - Mm-hmm.
01:22 - They dumped it right where we stand.
01:24 That's where we stand.
01:26 - Why would somebody leave a couch behind my house?
01:30 - I know how it got here.
01:32 One of them firefighting planes
01:34 scooped it up out of Lake Arlen.
01:36 - Man, you don't talk about them
01:38 dang old urban legend with you, man.
01:40 Man, it don't suck that like that fellow
01:41 with the toothbrush up that man's bottom, man.
01:44 That's the truth too, man, happened to me.
01:46 - Oh, hey, look, treasure.
01:50 A rubber band, a sugar cube.
01:53 - Mm.
01:55 - Have a little pride, Bill.
01:59 If we eat their garbage,
02:01 we're not much better than they are.
02:03 - Probably had a coffee table.
02:05 Oh, if this old couch could talk.
02:09 - My name, my name is Hank Taxpayer,
02:13 and I want that couch removed.
02:16 There are people who stand in that alley.
02:19 - We talk.
02:22 - Well, that's not really your business, is it?
02:28 - Sports mostly, you know.
02:31 (grunting)
02:35 (laughing)
02:40 - Hey guys, you gotta see this.
02:49 Bobby, do that walk again.
02:51 - Okay.
02:52 What are you talking about?
02:55 What are you talking about?
02:57 (laughing)
03:00 - What's so funny about that?
03:05 - It's adult humor, Connie.
03:07 I don't even get some of it.
03:09 (upbeat music)
03:13 - It could be weeks before the city comes
03:19 and hauls us away.
03:20 - What?
03:21 You say something, Hank?
03:24 - This is ridiculous.
03:25 I say we get rid of the couch ourselves.
03:29 (groaning)
03:31 - Bill, what are you doing?
03:33 - I'm drinking beer.
03:34 I'm sitting on the couch, and I'm outside.
03:37 - I'm just gonna take a break, five minutes, that's all.
03:41 - Man, what do you do sitting like a bunch of dang old
03:47 lay old couch jockeys, lazy on sitting up like a...
03:49 Hey man, look up at the sky, man.
03:51 (mumbling)
03:54 - Sorry, man, I don't look up here, man.
03:58 - Come on, Hank.
04:00 - All right, but if I don't like it,
04:02 I'm standing right back up.
04:04 (phone ringing)
04:22 - Hello?
04:23 - Hi, can I speak to Bobby, please?
04:25 - I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
04:27 - Who was it, Dad?
04:29 - A girl asking for someone named Bobby.
04:33 - Oh.
04:34 (phone ringing)
04:36 - Hello?
04:37 - Hi, is Bobby Hill up there?
04:40 - Hold on a second.
04:42 Son, it's one of your friends playing a prank.
04:44 - Hey, Joseph.
04:47 - Bobby, it's Marie.
04:48 - Oh, hey.
04:50 - A bunch of us are gonna hang out at the mall, wanna come?
04:53 - Well, I did have a prior engagement,
04:56 but I can always tape it.
04:59 (laughing)
05:01 (upbeat music)
05:07 (upbeat music)
05:10 - So what are you gonna get, Marie?
05:27 - Well, I don't eat anything with a head on it.
05:30 - Well, I'm a vegetarian, Bobby.
05:34 - I don't eat meat.
05:37 - My dad says if God didn't want us to eat meat,
05:41 he wouldn't have invented steak sauce.
05:44 - Your dad says that?
05:45 - Once.
05:47 - Bobby, did you know that the average person
05:49 consumes 500 chickens?
05:52 That's enough chickens to feed a whole starving village.
05:55 But they shouldn't eat them, because that's bad.
06:00 I'll have the chopped salad, please.
06:03 - And I'll have the BLT, please.
06:07 - That has bacon, Bobby.
06:09 - Bacon doesn't have a head on it.
06:11 Could you make that a LT, please?
06:15 - Tonight was fun, Bobby.
06:19 My friends think you're a riot.
06:21 - I really was choking at the food court,
06:23 but don't tell them that.
06:25 - Hey, there's a couch in the alley.
06:29 Sit down.
06:31 You wanna kiss?
06:35 - Well, I'll try anything once.
06:37 I didn't think I'd like fruit pies, but then I tried one,
06:40 and if your kiss is anything like a fruit pie, I'm sure I--
06:44 (kissing)
06:46 All right, see you around.
07:01 - Mom, Dad, did you see the sunrise this morning?
07:06 It was the same color as my girlfriend Marie's hair.
07:10 - Here's your coffee, sweet meat.
07:13 - Reminds me of my girlfriend Marie.
07:18 She likes to drink her coffee black, too.
07:21 - Huh, looks like they're finally gonna cut down
07:24 the big oak tree that's in the middle of the ballpark.
07:27 - I'm not sure what my girlfriend Marie thinks about that.
07:31 I'll ask her.
07:32 - All right, Bobby, I'll bite.
07:35 Why do you keep saying the word girlfriend?
07:38 - Because I have a girlfriend.
07:40 - Bobby has a girlfriend?
07:41 All right, son.
07:43 She's real, right?
07:47 I mean, she's not imaginary or on a cereal box
07:51 or anything, is she?
07:52 - No.
07:53 - All right.
07:54 - Well, I assume that she's your girlfriend.
07:57 - Just like Joseph is your boyfriend.
07:59 - Peggy, Joseph is not Bobby's boyfriend.
08:04 (crow cawing)
08:06 - Stay alert, the garbage truck's here.
08:10 - You're not taking it.
08:12 - Sir, can you ask this gentleman to get off the couch
08:14 so we can do our job?
08:16 - Bill, don't move a muscle.
08:18 Good work, Bill.
08:26 - All right, but if you leave it out,
08:27 somebody's gonna haul it away.
08:29 - Go to hell.
08:31 - So what do you wanna do, guys?
08:39 - Let's go bike riding.
08:40 - That's boring.
08:42 - Yeah, that's a little boring, Connie.
08:45 I mean, maybe there's something else we all could do.
08:48 - We could go shopping for clothes at the mall.
08:50 - Hey, that's a great idea.
08:55 (phone ringing)
08:58 - For quality purposes, some portions
08:59 of this telephone conversation may be recorded.
09:02 - Gribble residence.
09:03 - Hey, Dale.
09:05 I just phoned to talk about the couch.
09:07 You know, just thinking about the couch.
09:12 - Ooh, Bill, this is so strange.
09:14 I was just about to call you about the couch.
09:17 - Yeah, you know the only thing better
09:19 than talking about the couch?
09:21 - Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
09:24 - I'll see you out there.
09:25 - All right.
09:26 (humming)
09:29 - I wonder what happened to your friends.
09:37 - I don't know.
09:38 They were following us to the mall and then they were gone.
09:42 - Oh, look, the couch.
09:45 You wanna kiss?
09:46 - Nah, I gotta go.
09:48 - You know, Marie, the other night when you wanted to kiss,
09:53 I didn't feel like it, but I did it anyway.
09:57 You have to respect my needs too.
10:01 - Okay, whatever.
10:02 (gasps)
10:10 - Bobby?
10:13 - Okay, Bobby, I gotta go.
10:18 - Good night, Marie.
10:23 (gulps)
10:25 - Can I have some rice and plain toast, please?
10:28 My girlfriend Marie's a vegetarian and she says--
10:31 - Ah, there it is.
10:33 I knew this was too good to be true.
10:36 - So, she's a vegetarian.
10:38 She still likes lots of things I like,
10:41 like kissing, for instance.
10:43 - Oh, my word, Hank, talk to the boy.
10:48 - Bobby, vegetarians can't be trusted.
10:51 Just last week, we caught one of 'em siphoning gas
10:55 out of a company truck.
10:56 - I was talking about the kissing.
10:59 He's too young.
11:00 - You would think that, but I am such a good kisser, Mom.
11:05 Marie says so.
11:06 You should've seen it.
11:08 She bent my head back.
11:10 She kissed her hand. - Bobby, Bobby.
11:12 You are only 12.
11:13 You should be afraid of girls.
11:15 - You're just jealous because you aren't as in love
11:18 as me and Marie.
11:19 - Bobby, I really don't think you can compare
11:22 a two-day infatuation to a 20-year marriage.
11:26 - I bet Marie and me have kissed more in two days
11:29 than you have in your whole marriage.
11:31 You know, I don't think I've ever seen you guys kiss.
11:35 - Your father has kissed me.
11:37 - Peggy!
11:38 - I'm not afraid to show my love.
11:41 You are.
11:42 - Your father and I have done things you can't even imagine.
11:45 - Peggy, please.
11:48 - Oh, I'm flattered that you asked me to help you
11:52 with your algebra homework, Connie.
11:54 - Uh, actually, Luan, I don't need you to teach me algebra.
11:59 - Oh, thank God.
12:00 - Well, as you know, Bobby has a girlfriend.
12:05 - Bobby has a girlfriend?
12:08 And I know it?
12:10 - Yes, and well, it's made me realize
12:15 that I really like Bobby.
12:18 - What should I do, Luan?
12:20 - Well, if you and Bobby are meant to be,
12:24 then it'll happen.
12:25 I mean, Buckley and I weren't meant to be,
12:28 and that's why he blew up.
12:30 - Uh, excuse me, I have an outside couch.
12:37 What do you have to keep the squirrels away?
12:39 - I'll check.
12:40 - Peggy, what are you doing?
12:44 - Hank, remember how we used to hold hands
12:47 in broad daylight?
12:49 Come on, honey, hold my hand.
12:50 - I wish I could, but my hands are full, see?
12:55 - I guess Bobby was right.
12:57 Maybe we are afraid to show our love.
12:59 - All right.
13:01 - Now get a room, you two.
13:07 (upbeat music)
13:16 (upbeat music)
13:18 (upbeat music)
13:21 (upbeat music)
13:24 (upbeat music)
13:26 (upbeat music)
13:54 - What did you do to my old couch?
13:57 - We're not falling for it, Con.
13:59 This was not yours.
14:01 - I get rid of it after a neighborhood cat
14:03 come inside and pee all over it.
14:05 We tried to dump it in front of Gribble's yard,
14:08 but Min caught her leg on a tack, so we dump it here.
14:11 - Ah, I get it.
14:14 He's seen what we've done with it, now he wants it back.
14:17 - Gribble, you crazy!
14:19 I don't want it back.
14:20 Oh, hey, I got an old pair of boxer shorts
14:23 you can use at T-Cozy.
14:25 Want that too?
14:26 (laughing)
14:28 - Hey, is Bobby home?
14:35 - Who are you?
14:36 - I'm Marie.
14:37 - How old are you?
14:39 - 14.
14:40 - 14?
14:41 I don't know what Bobby's been telling you,
14:44 but he's only 12.
14:46 - He's been telling me lots of things.
14:48 How come you never hold your wife's hand?
14:50 - Duh!
14:51 - See you later, Dad.
14:54 (door slams)
14:55 - Bobby's Marie is 14 years old.
14:59 - What?
15:00 Oh, God.
15:01 That means when she was three, our Bobby was only one.
15:06 It makes me sick just thinking about it.
15:10 (upbeat music)
15:21 - Hey, is this a make-out party?
15:23 Because if it is, I'm prepared for that.
15:27 Look, if the lady doesn't wanna dance,
15:37 don't make her dance.
15:39 - Hey, come on, kid, move out of the way.
15:42 - Bobby, move.
15:43 - Marie!
15:51 - Bobby, what are you doing?
15:53 - Why were you dancing with those guys?
16:02 - I don't know, I like dancing.
16:04 I wanted to dance.
16:05 - Who were those guys?
16:08 Why were you dancing with all those guys?
16:11 - Bobby, they're friends.
16:13 We were just dancing.
16:15 - What about us?
16:16 You're supposed to dance with just me.
16:20 - And maybe some of your girlfriends,
16:22 but mostly just me.
16:24 - Bobby, this is getting way too intense.
16:27 We're only friends.
16:28 - But I thought we were more than that.
16:31 - Bobby, you're a funny guy.
16:35 You make me laugh, that's all.
16:37 - But we kissed.
16:38 - Yes, and looking back now, maybe that was a mistake.
16:44 - Mistake.
16:46 That was the single most important thing in my life.
16:50 - Look, Bobby, I don't think we should
16:54 hang out together anymore.
16:55 - Just tell me why you were dancing with all those guys.
16:59 - Goodbye, Bobby.
17:02 - You kissed me.
17:04 That means we're back together again.
17:07 Marie, come back.
17:08 Look, I'm doing your favorite comedy bit.
17:13 What are you talking about?
17:16 What are you talking about?
17:19 What are you talking about?
17:23 (crying)
17:35 - Somebody push you off your bike, son?
17:43 - Marie broke up with me.
17:45 - Oh, it doesn't feel so good, does it, son?
17:54 - No.
17:55 - I guess your love wasn't as strong
17:57 as your father's and mine, now, was it?
18:00 - No, it wasn't.
18:01 I kissed Marie on this couch.
18:12 - Now, Hank, that's not what this couch is for.
18:16 - Yeah, Hank, you know you have to put it to a vote
18:19 if you want a family member to use a couch.
18:22 - All right.
18:23 Bobby, I know it's not good when a girl breaks your heart.
18:30 It's only natural to be sad.
18:36 But the couch is a happy place.
18:41 (crying)
18:43 ♫ There's a tear in my beer
18:52 - Well, he stopped crying.
18:54 That's a step in the right direction.
18:56 And the boy's taste in music's getting better, too.
19:00 ♫ I've never seen a night so long
19:09 ♫ When time's gone
19:11 - Mom, I'm never gonna make anyone laugh ever again.
19:16 I don't wanna be a prop comic.
19:19 - No, playbird, not now.
19:24 - Look at it this way, Bobby.
19:32 Tonight, you're going out on a date with your parents.
19:36 And we know how you like going out
19:38 with people older than you.
19:41 - Oh, I'm on a date with my two favorite men.
19:44 Look at me.
19:45 - A cup of rice, plain toast,
19:51 and I'll help myself to the salad bar.
19:55 Thank you.
19:56 - Is that her?
20:02 Ah, now it all makes sense.
20:05 She looks exactly like me.
20:08 - Dad, I wanna go home.
20:10 - You can't let her get to you, son.
20:12 If you leave, she wins.
20:14 And dating's all about who wins and who loses.
20:18 - Yee-haw, welcome to the panhandler.
20:21 Would any of you fine folks care to take on
20:24 our 72-ounce top sirloin steak?
20:27 Finish it in an hour and it's free.
20:30 - Ah, no thank you.
20:32 - Yes, I would.
20:36 - That's a lot of meat, son.
20:38 What happened to being a vegetarian?
20:41 - And I want it rare.
20:43 (upbeat music)
20:47 - Okay, the rules are simple.
21:04 No one is allowed to help you chew or cut the meat.
21:07 And if you get sick before the finish,
21:10 the contest is over.
21:12 Good luck.
21:13 Let's give 'em a little encouragement, fellas.
21:15 (cheering)
21:17 (upbeat music)
21:19 - Annabelle, you're up.
21:34 - Attaboy, Bobby.
21:35 You can do it, son.
21:37 - Shovel it in, honey.
21:38 Don't be afraid to use all your teeth.
21:41 - That's it, Bobby.
21:51 36 down, only 36 ounces to go, son.
21:54 - Tighten that slab of beef, Bobby.
22:00 - You're just making a fool of yourself, Bobby.
22:04 Nobody's impressed.
22:06 (cheering)
22:08 - Come on, kids.
22:09 Slice 'em wide.
22:10 - Snake eat machine.
22:11 (upbeat music)
22:14 (sighing)
22:19 (sighing)
22:27 (upbeat music)
22:30, (groaning)
22:32 (upbeat music)
22:34 (upbeat music)
22:37 (groaning)
22:50 (cheering)
22:59 - Come on, Mom, Dad.
23:01 We're leaving.
23:03 (cheering)
23:05 - Thank you.
23:12 Thank you, Arlen.
23:14 - Hey, you two, I'm trying to eat.
23:16 - Well, son, the worst part's over.
23:21 And now you'll realize just how silly,
23:24 ah, the couch is gone.
23:26 No!
23:31 We didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
23:34 - Hi, Bobby.
23:40 - Oh, hey, Connie.
23:43 - Bobby, are you okay?
23:44 - Ah, me and Marie just broke up.
23:47 (groaning)
23:50 - You're taking it pretty hard.
23:52 You must've really liked her a lot.
23:55 - Oh, no, no.
23:57 I just ate a 72-ounce steak dinner in 37 minutes.
24:01 (coughing)
24:04 - Oh, when you finish,
24:06 do you wanna come over to my house
24:08 and watch some television?
24:09 (groaning)
24:12 Doesn't have to be television.
24:17 - Why, I don't know, Dale.
24:22 No, I didn't say a thing.
24:25 I bet the city just hauled it away.
24:28 I know, Dale, I know.
24:31 I miss it, too.
24:33 Maybe it's all for the best, you know.
24:39 We're starting to depend on that couch too much.
24:43 - Yeah, it's probably all for the best.
24:48 All for the best.
24:49 (crickets chirping)