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00:00 I'm getting some nice color.
00:11 Look out Mrs. Hill!
00:12 Snake!
00:13 Oh, it's a harmless bull snake.
00:19 I'd say he, oh pardon, she is about nine months old.
00:25 Your mom's of course more people's dads.
00:32 It's like that book they took out of the school library.
00:36 I've got two dads.
00:39 No you don't.
00:41 [Music]
00:44 [Music]
00:49 [Music]
00:54 [Music]
00:59 [Music]
01:04 [Music]
01:09 [Music]
01:14 [Music]
01:17 [Telephone rings]
01:21 This is Hill.
01:22 Tom Landry Middle School needs you Peggy.
01:25 This job's for at least a week, maybe two.
01:27 Can you sub for Mrs. Gonzalez?
01:29 Gonzalez?
01:31 Well that's Spanish isn't it?
01:33 Yes it is.
01:34 You're best subject.
01:35 You'll be fine.
01:36 Just fine.
01:39 There's something you're not telling me.
01:41 Dang it Peggy, I could lose my job.
01:44 Dig amay.
01:45 I, I just can't.
01:48 But on a completely unrelated subject,
01:50 hadn't it been a while since your last surprise in class evaluation?
01:54 Well yes it has, but tell me which...
01:57 Oh.
01:59 [Music]
02:03 Mrs. Hill, I'm Mrs. Ayers, I'm here to evaluate you.
02:06 Really?
02:07 Oh, I had no idea.
02:10 My goodness, an evaluation, well that, imagine.
02:14 [Music]
02:20 A substitute.
02:23 A tag.
02:25 Hi Mrs. Hill.
02:26 Buenos dias Consuela.
02:28 I have always enjoyed a special relationship with my students.
02:32 [Laughs]
02:34 In fact, one of them reminded me yesterday,
02:36 that I was honored as substitute teacher of the year 1996 through 1997 inclusive.
02:42 That's impressive, so many subs get bullied by their students.
02:45 Well, a bully is just someone who victimizes others to make themselves feel important.
02:51 Would you like me to repeat that slowly?
02:53 Oh no, I'm just penalizing you for starting class late.
02:56 You were saying?
02:59 Hola, me llamo Senora Margarita Hill.
03:04 Como te llamas?
03:06 Me llamo Joseph Gribble.
03:08 Oh bueno, Jose Gribble.
03:11 [Laughs]
03:14 Y tu, como te llamas?
03:17 Me llamo Clark Peters.
03:21 Muchos gustos Carlos Pedro.
03:24 [Laughs]
03:32 Vamos a aprender los partes del cuerpo humano.
03:35 Por ejemplo, esta es mi mano.
03:40 [Laughs]
03:43 Si, muy divertido.
03:45 No mas, ok? Ok.
03:47 Bueno, esta es mi cabeza.
03:52 [Laughs]
03:56 Quien esta tirando los darts de Nerf?
03:59 Esta Dooley, Senora Hill.
04:02 Senor Dooley, venga.
04:04 You're dead.
04:06 En espanol, por favor.
04:08 Tu eres muerto.
04:13 Muy bien, Senor Dooley esta es mi asistente especial.
04:20 Bueno, esta es mi cabeza.
04:26 [Laughs]
04:28 Este es mi pilo.
04:31 Mi pilo es castano.
04:34 Stop it! I know what you are doing and just stop it.
04:37 En espanol, por favor.
04:41 Atención, por favor.
04:48 Needs improvement?
04:50 I have never needed to improve on anything in my whole life.
04:54 This will be in my personnel file forever.
04:57 Relax, Peggy. Everyone has a bad day.
05:00 I remember back when I first started at Strickland Propane,
05:03 there was this guy who had a bad day.
05:07 Uh, see, I can't even remember that fellow's name now.
05:13 [Music]
05:23 All right, everybody. Sit down. On delay.
05:28 [Music]
05:34 Oh, God, I can't seem to get this to work.
05:40 Okay, we don't have a lot of time for monkey business,
05:44 so I think we'll skip attendance today and finish up our vocabulario lesson.
05:52 I have had it with you two.
05:54 I am a very fun teacher, but I will not be bullied.
05:58 Give me your watches. Come on, give it to me.
06:01 I'm not talking, you two.
06:10 Put your pants down.
06:33 Oh, yeah!
06:42 Holy crap.
06:49 18 years, 18 years of teaching thrown out the window with one flick of the wrist.
06:55 Don't panic, Peggy. There's lots you can do.
06:58 I could design software. People have always said that.
07:01 I could open up a painter on pottery store. You know how much they get for that crap?
07:05 Now, slow down, Peggy. They won't fire you. You're a substitute teacher.
07:10 They'll just stop calling. But that's not going to happen either.
07:15 Well, maybe it should. I hit an innocent child.
07:18 I'm sure you didn't hurt him. I should know. I got spanked plenty in school.
07:23 Really? Well, you turned out just fine.
07:26 Better than fine. And back then, they even used a paddle called Old Spanky.
07:31 It was a piece of hickory about yea big, and it had holes drilled in it to cut down on wind resistance
07:40 and a little pine tar on the handle for a no-slip grip.
07:47 Good old Spanky.
07:52 Mom, what were you thinking?
07:54 Bobby, honey, I am so sorry. I'm so-- I just did not know what to do.
07:58 Dooley pantsed you. That's what he does.
08:01 And when it happens, you pull up your pants and move on.
08:05 If you don't know that, no wonder you bombed on your evaluation.
08:10 I never even spanked our dog.
08:14 Not that your son is worse than our dog, because he's not.
08:17 And we have a very, very good dog, so that speaks volumes for your son.
08:21 Mrs. Hill, please, we should apologize to you.
08:24 I'm sure Stuart deserved it. We know what a handful he can be.
08:27 Well, what are you saying?
08:29 You did good.
08:32 Let's see. Teacher's statement.
08:35 Response from the parents.
08:37 Okay, looks like all our ducks are in a row.
08:40 Peggy, you're fired.
08:42 But-- but the Dooley forgave me.
08:45 Hmm, let's see. There's nothing in here about forgiveness.
08:49 There's a procedure for administering legal spankings, which you violated every turn.
08:54 And there are procedures for terminating a teacher, which I followed to a T.
08:58 Emily!
09:03 I'm required to have a hall monitor escort you off campus.
09:06 It's over, Mrs. Hill.
09:10 [sobbing]
09:15 I'm sorry, ladies. Looks like there's not gonna be a threepeat.
09:20 Oh, Hank, what am I gonna do?
09:22 Well, uh, I got you a book on designing software.
09:27 [sobbing]
09:38 Well, you had it all, Peggy Hill.
09:46 Hey there, Aunt Swife. What you crying for? Got your monthlies?
09:50 Gone. I am in no mood. Why are you here?
09:54 VFW meeting and pancake supper.
09:57 So I'll need you to whip me up some pancakes, couple hundred will do, and as much syrup as you got.
10:03 Fine. I will go make you two hundred pancakes.
10:09 [sobbing]
10:17 How's Bobby?
10:18 He's just fine. But my information about Bobby is a little dated.
10:23 He hasn't spoken to me since I got fired for spanking a student.
10:31 You got fired? What'd you do, kill him?
10:33 No.
10:34 Ain't no long against spanking. Tell you what, I got a friend over to the VFW.
10:39 Used to principal at Hank's school. He'll have you back spanking in no time.
10:44 Oh, I just want my job back. I'm not gonna spank again.
10:48 Shut up before you talk me out of it.
10:54 In my 35 years at Tom Landry Middle School, I spanked thousands of students,
11:01 shaping their character and preparing them to die in wars overseas.
11:07 Actually, I only spanked once.
11:09 How's she just being modest?
11:11 She's the first teacher since they killed LBJ to stand up to those draft dodgers.
11:16 All right, Peggy, we're gonna get you back in that classroom.
11:21 Step one, you gotta meet the school board.
11:26 Old Spanky.
11:30 Don't take it, it's yours. I got nobody to hit anymore.
11:35 Thanks for this terrific symbol and for helping me to get my job back.
11:40 All right, guys, let's hear it for Padlet and Peggy!
11:48 Take off your top!
11:50 Shut up, Wendell, that's tomorrow night!
11:55 Hey, guys!
11:58 Hank, I just had the most inspiring afternoon with Cotton and his army buddies.
12:03 They're gonna circulate a petition to help me get my job back.
12:07 I even have the support of your old principal, Jeter Turbeville.
12:10 Jeter the Beater?
12:12 Oh, God, what's that under your arm?
12:15 Spanky, can you believe they ever used something like this?
12:23 Spanking was wrong then, and it's wrong now.
12:27 I say spare the rod and spoil the child.
12:31 Dale, spare the rod and spoil the child means you're in favor of spanking.
12:38 I don't think so.
12:40 I tell you what, it'll bring back bad memories. I'm talking about Jeter the Beater.
12:46 I'm talking about that pillow.
12:48 I don't know. My daddy spanked me every day from when I was nine until I was 16, and I turned out okay.
12:58 Bastard.
13:05 Peggy!
13:06 We sure do miss you at Landry.
13:09 I'm not a spanker, okay?
13:11 But if you can bring discipline back into our school, then I am behind you 100%.
13:17 I wish I had the guts you do, sister.
13:19 I'm no hero. Stuart Dooley just caught me on a bad day.
13:23 Don't be modest. You are an inspiration to all of us teachers.
13:27 And that's why we signed that petition in support of Paddlin' Peggy.
13:31 Oh, well, that's just those vets being silly.
13:35 Here, have a button.
13:42 The school board vote on reinstating Mrs. Peggy Hill passes.
13:47 All right, Paddlin' Peggy.
13:49 Walk tall, sister.
13:51 Now we did it, H-Wow!
13:53 Party at my house! Pancakes for everyone!
13:58 Take off your top!
14:02 Well, I'm off to work, Mrs. Hill.
14:05 Me too, Mr. Hill.
14:07 Mrs. Hill, why are you bringing the paddle?
14:10 Oh, I have to. People are expecting it.
14:13 Besides, your father worked very hard to put Paddlin' Peggy back in the classroom.
14:18 See, that's the thing. My dad thinks you're going to use it.
14:22 Oh, Hank, don't be silly, honey. It's just a bluff.
14:26 I am going to scare my students exactly the way President Reagan scared hundreds of millions of Russians with his Star Wars death beam.
14:35 I miss voting for that man.
14:39 Listen, I just want to apologize for what happened the other day.
14:44 I will never, ever spank another student like that again.
14:48 Because now I have this.
14:52 But, of course, it will not be necessary to use this because, well, now you all know I have it in me.
15:00 So, why don't we just start all over.
15:03 Yo soy Paddlin' Peggy Hill.
15:12 Mm-hmm.
15:17 El capital de Uruguay es Montevideo.
15:22 Do you think she's going to use that paddle?
15:25 I don't know, but I'll tell you what.
15:27 Uh, excuse me. Should you be talking while I am talking?
15:30 Paddlin' Peggy says, uh, oh, Paddlin' Peggy says, uh, uh, uh.
15:42 You've got to do something about Mom. This whole Paddlin' Peggy stick is really creepy.
15:48 Joseph won't even come over to play anymore because he says he's having nightmares about that stupid paddle.
15:54 Did you hear that? My son is dreaming about getting spanked by your wife.
15:59 Well, that's not so unusual.
16:01 You've got to get your woman in line.
16:04 Uh, Peggy's kind of hard to talk to lately.
16:08 Well, she's feeling powerful now, so her body is producing extra amounts of testosterone.
16:15 I bet if Peggy wanted to, she could grow a mustache.
16:20 Of course, I don't know why she'd want to.
16:34 Best hair run, best French manicure at the beauty academy today.
16:44 Dad, can I go ride bikes with Joseph?
16:48 I thought we'd watch Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.
16:51 Michael Palin is hosting.
16:53 I don't want to.
16:55 But, honey, you love Michael Palin.
16:57 Are you coming down with something?
16:59 Let me fill your forehead.
17:01 I don't want to watch your stupid show, okay?
17:04 Bobby?
17:06 Well, what is wrong with him?
17:08 Probably nothing.
17:11 Or, uh, uh, it could be you and, uh, your whooping stick.
17:18 It's a paddle, and he has a name.
17:21 Old Spanky.
17:23 Hank, do I tell you how to sell propane and propane accessories?
17:27 Did I criticize you for your big spatula Tuesday fiasco?
17:31 No, I did not, because I respect you as a professional.
17:35 And that is all I want, Hank, just a little respect.
17:38 But I guess that's too much to ask for from you and Bobby.
17:43 All right, it was Sharon Johnson.
17:46 It's not fair.
17:47 She works really hard.
17:55 Hank, Channel 84 wants to do something on Paddlin' Peggy.
17:59 Where is old Spanky?
18:01 Maybe you left it at work.
18:02 No, no, I know I had it with me on the drive home.
18:05 I remember brandishing it at this idiot who almost cut me off.
18:08 Ugh.
18:15 Oh, I've got to retrace my steps home.
18:17 Okay, I'm driving home.
18:20 Brandish, brandish, brandish.
18:22 Oh, God, I must have dropped it on the street.
18:28 Stop, Peggy.
18:29 Would you look at yourself?
18:33 Peggy.
18:44 Joseph Gribble, did you put this here?
18:46 No.
18:50 Uh, Joseph, you are talking to Paddlin' Peggy here.
18:54 All right, what's going on?
18:56 Yeah.
18:57 Your son stole my Paddlin' Peggy paddle.
19:00 This is the only thing that stands between the Ardland school system and complete chaos.
19:05 Apologize, you.
19:06 I didn't do anything.
19:08 All right, I am not all talk, you know.
19:11 You didn't apologize, so you chose your fight.
19:14 Somebody stop her.
19:16 Peggy, no.
19:17 I said I didn't do anything.
19:19 He's telling the truth, Mom.
19:21 He was with me all day.
19:23 Well, somebody took it.
19:24 It was Bill.
19:26 No, it wasn't.
19:28 All right, it was me.
19:30 I took it.
19:31 Somebody had to stop you.
19:32 You're crazy.
19:41 Oh.
19:48 It's okay, son.
19:50 Daddy's here.
19:54 You big boy.
20:07 Oh, Hank, what was I thinking?
20:09 The important thing is your spanking days are over, right?
20:14 Well, so are my teaching days.
20:16 At least until the day they make pants that cannot be pulled down by someone other than the wearer.
20:22 Sounds to me like you're scared.
20:25 You know, I have a little speech I've been saving for the day Bobby gets beat up by a bully,
20:30 but I don't think that's ever going to happen.
20:33 Him and his darn prop comedy.
20:36 Every time the boy gets into a jam, he shoves french fries up his nose and makes a new friend.
20:42 Anyway, I think my speech might apply here.
20:46 Do you want to hear it?
20:47 Oh, Hank, no.
20:49 You know, somewhere inside me is the old Peggy Hill,
20:52 the one who taught children without scaring the bejesus out of them.
20:56 I just need to find her again.
21:02 And then she freaked out and she dropped a paddle right in the middle of the alley.
21:08 And without that paddle, she looked just like Bobby's mom.
21:13 That's the bell.
21:27 Buenos dias, clase.
21:29 Señor Dooley, I thought you were suspended.
21:32 I thought you were fired.
21:38 Bygones are bygones, so welcome back.
21:41 Well, I thought we might talk about a special part of Spanish history.
21:50 Your feet are big.
21:55 Paddle and Peggy, why don't you spank them?
21:59 What's up, Paddle and Peggy?
22:07 Fine.
22:08 All you children are interested in is punishment, so I will teach you about punishment with this.
22:21 Yes, yes!
22:28 Oh, yeah!
22:31 Spain, 1478.
22:34 The weapon of choice, the mace.
22:36 It was the beginning of the Spanish Inquisition.
22:40 Even though it was begun with the best of intentions,
22:43 a number of very nice innocent people were brutally punished.
22:47 And without a doubt, the worst thing about the Spanish Inquisition
22:51 was that nobody ever said they were sorry.
22:57 How were they punished?
22:59 Oh, all kinds of awful ways.
23:02 Like what?
23:04 Well, sometimes they would strike you with one of these.
23:08 Sometimes they would make you lie on a bed of spikes
23:11 and then pour boiling oil on you.
23:16 And sometimes they would tie your arms and legs to four different horses
23:20 and tear you apart.
23:24 Oh.
23:32 Why, I feel like I'm being watched.
23:34 Joseph!
23:36 Joseph!
23:40 Oh, what?
23:42 Careful, Joseph.
23:44 I'm just here to play with Bobby.
23:46 I don't want any trouble.
23:48 I could use a little help preparing the soil.
23:50 Why don't you spread the mulch?
23:53 Kind of.
23:55 Paddle.
23:59 And goat manure.
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24:37 ♪ ♪ ♪
24:42 You are dead.