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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03, Listen, guys.
00:32 I sent the cards out about a month ago for a 20th wedding
00:36 anniversary barbecue.
00:37 And well, Peggy is kind of a stickler for those things.
00:41 So I'm going to need your RSVPs.
00:45 Yep.
00:46 Yep.
00:47 Mm-hmm.
00:48 All right, then.
00:49 So it's official.
00:50 Are you going to give her china, Hank?
00:53 20th anniversary china?
00:55 My marriage only made it to wood.
00:58 No.
00:59 But after the party, Luanne's going camping with friends.
01:02 And Bobby's going to my dad's.
01:04 That means Peggy and I will have the whole weekend
01:07 to ourselves.
01:08 So I won't be in the alley as much.
01:13 20 years.
01:14 If your marriage were a murderer,
01:17 it'd probably be out by now.
01:18 Hello.
01:30 Oh, hi, Tracy.
01:32 My aunt is so happy I'm going camping with you.
01:36 She and Uncle Hank are going to get so busy.
01:41 What?
01:42 Do they expect the forest fire to last the whole weekend?
01:47 Oh, bye.
01:49 Is everything OK, honey?
01:51 Mm-hmm.
01:52 Oh, yeah.
01:53 Yeah, they just phoned to remind me to bring
01:59 an extra can of gravy.
02:00 [GIGGLES]
02:02 No.
02:03 Bobby, my camping trip's been canceled.
02:11 And the shelter says I have to be battered to stay there.
02:15 So can I go with you to Cotton's?
02:17 No way.
02:18 This is my last chance for Grandpa
02:21 to spoil me before the baby's born.
02:24 You stay away from him.
02:26 He's mine.
02:28 He doesn't even know your name.
02:29 Yes, he does.
02:30 I'm Missy Melons.
02:32 Remember, these baby clothes are just
02:34 on loan until I get pregnant with my second child,
02:37 maybe this weekend.
02:39 It is so unfair that your eggs are rotten.
02:42 Well, for your information, my eggs are just fine.
02:45 It's Hank's narrow urethra that's the problem.
02:48 Although, no one's to blame.
02:49 No, I'm just stating a fact.
02:50 [CLAPPING]
02:52 Oh, hey!
02:53 Hey, ah!
02:55 I would like to make a toast to Hank and Peggy Hill, Billy.
02:59 Ha!
03:00 They have been married 20 years.
03:02 That a long time.
03:05 Min and I only been married 13 years,
03:08 but it's quality, not quantity, that matter.
03:12 Last year, on our anniversary, Min and I bungee
03:16 jump off Route 74 Bridge.
03:20 I love you, Min Super Newsy Porn.
03:22 I love you, Con Super Newsy Porn.
03:25 [MOANING]
03:28 [MOANING]
03:31 [MOANING]
03:35 [MOANING]
03:38 [MOANING]
03:41 Oh!
03:43 You guys didn't have to do this.
03:45 I know, but Nancy said we did.
03:49 They're canes.
03:51 Read the card.
03:52 OK.
03:54 For when the hills are over the hill.
03:57 [LAUGHING]
03:58 Get it?
03:59 Your last name's Hill.
04:01 Mm-hmm.
04:03 There's not much to get, is there?
04:05 [MUSIC PLAYING]
04:07 OK, everybody.
04:09 Let's settle down.
04:10 Now, this is not my award-winning The History
04:14 of Propane slideshow, but it's the next best thing.
04:17 My marriage to Mrs. Peggy Hill.
04:20 I call it 20 years of outstanding service.
04:24 Oh, Hank.
04:28 [MUSIC PLAYING]
04:30 Here we see the early years, when our first home
04:33 was an efficiency apartment.
04:35 Although it would have been more efficient
04:38 if it was heated with propane.
04:41 Our bed was our only piece of furniture,
04:44 and it was all we needed.
04:46 Yep, because it converted into a couch.
04:50 Bobby's head pretty much regained its shape,
04:53 and Peggy pretty much regained her shape, too.
04:57 Seriously, that was the day Bobby was born.
05:01 And here's Peggy and me whooping it up
05:07 at the young gasser's ball.
05:11 Slides so longer than their marriage.
05:13 Is this Hank and Peggy Hill 20 years from now?
05:19 I hope so, because I wouldn't want it any other way.
05:23 Here's to 20 more years of outstanding service.
05:27 Woo-hoo.
05:28 Well, I have summarized our marriage
05:33 in a different fashion that I hope
05:35 you will find no less pleasing.
05:38 I begin.
05:39 We planted our seed a long time ago, and for 20 years,
05:44 we watched it grow into a beautiful garden
05:48 of give and take.
05:49 And now it's time to cut the cake.
05:53 But before we do, I'd like to say--
05:56 [BARK]
05:59 I would like to say I'm so glad you're here today
06:03 to share with us--
06:04 [BARK]
06:05 The baby kicked my insides.
06:06 It puts on quite a show when it gets going.
06:12 Dee Dee, show them your gas tank.
06:15 [GROANING]
06:18 Oh.
06:19 This one's busted to get out.
06:21 Not like Hank.
06:22 Never moved once while he was in there.
06:25 Not even born, and he already give up.
06:27 [MUSIC PLAYING]
06:30 Well, I'm leaving for the weekend.
06:35 Got my gravy.
06:36 OK, where to?
06:42 Anywhere but here.
06:44 Oh, not the dress barn.
06:45 I bounced a check.
06:47 Or the nail salon for the same reason.
06:51 Bye.
06:52 Take a good look, because the next time you see me,
06:55 I'll be spoiled rotten.
06:58 All right.
06:58 Hey, guys.
07:03 Just letting you know, if you do serve ice cream for dinner,
07:07 I won't tell.
07:08 Bobby, this ain't no Baski Robbins vacation.
07:11 Dee Dee's with child.
07:12 She's useless.
07:14 Now, you can start by cleaning the back of my ears.
07:17 [MUSIC PLAYING]
07:20 [GROANING]
07:23 Well, that was great.
07:25 We ran out of potato salad and meat at the same time.
07:28 Perfect.
07:29 I thought my slide show went over pretty big.
07:33 All in all, a pretty good day.
07:36 Happy anniversary, Peggy.
07:38 Don't wake me up when you come in.
07:40 [LAUGHING]
07:43 [CRYING]
07:45 Look, if you're worried about the mess,
07:47 you can clean it up later.
07:48 [CRYING]
07:51 [MUSIC PLAYING]
07:57 If you're worried about Bobby, he's going to be fine at Cotton's.
08:00 It's just a weekend.
08:02 I had to survive a whole childhood.
08:04 Ike, we're old.
08:07 Oh, Peggy, that was just a joke slide.
08:10 Although the photo mat did make you look older than me.
08:14 No, it's not the joke slide, Hank.
08:17 The joke slide was funny, OK?
08:20 It's all the other slides.
08:22 I saw a young married couple, and I did not recognize them.
08:27 I mean, Hank, we look like strangers, strangers who
08:31 stole our glasses and our hair.
08:33 Well, I assure you it was us.
08:36 Whatever happened to that young couple with their dreams
08:38 of inventing a steak sauce and getting rich
08:40 or taking a train to Alaska?
08:43 That couple just grew up and realized
08:46 that there was too much competition
08:48 among existing steak sauces.
08:50 We did ourselves a favor by abandoning those dreams, Peggy.
08:54 Well, maybe we should just start using those canes that Dale
08:58 gave us, and we could bash ourselves over the heads
09:01 and be done with it.
09:03 Look, Peggy, we've both been looking forward
09:06 to this weekend.
09:07 When the kids are out of the house,
09:09 we've rented an R-rated movie.
09:11 Uh-huh.
09:12 We'll fry up some Jiffy Pop.
09:14 Uh-huh.
09:16 What movie did you rent?
09:19 Platoon.
09:19 Lady Bird, it's me, your wife.
09:33 [SNORING]
09:35 [WHIMPERING]
09:37 [GASP]
09:40 Here you go, girl crazy.
09:44 Good girl.
09:46 Yeah.
09:46 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:48 Yes.
09:49 Come on, baby.
09:54 In here.
09:56 This is the baby's room.
09:58 Decorated it myself.
10:02 You see this picture?
10:04 That's me.
10:05 Before I had my shins blown off.
10:09 What's that you're holding?
10:11 Head of a nazi.
10:13 Ah, no.
10:15 It's a canteen.
10:18 Hey, Jim, I'm looking for a nice restaurant
10:21 to take my wife to for our anniversary.
10:24 All right.
10:24 Let's see.
10:26 Here's that revolving restaurant, McManeberry.
10:28 Got a seven in the auto guide.
10:30 A seven?
10:32 Wow.
10:33 Well, I'll get my highlighter, and I'll throw together
10:35 a triptych for you.
10:37 You want the direct route or the scenic?
10:39 Most folks tell me the extra five minutes is worth it.
10:43 Direct.
10:44 What do you know?
10:48 You can see all of McManeberry.
10:52 There's that auto mall they're always bragging about.
10:54 And in about 30 minutes, we will be facing the sunset.
10:58 Hi, can I get you folks anything to drink?
11:03 Oh, you know, I've never tried a Singapore sling.
11:06 I think that has alcohol in it, Peggy,
11:09 unless you want me to be the designated driver.
11:12 Hank, this night is supposed to be special.
11:15 OK, I won't have my beer then.
11:19 No, I won't have anything.
11:20 Well, maybe we can both drink.
11:23 How much do you weigh?
11:25 I'll just have water, thank you.
11:27 I'll have a beer.
11:28 That restaurant was no seven.
11:44 Look, I didn't know the restaurant only
11:46 revolves at lunch.
11:48 You know, that didn't seem to stop anybody else
11:50 from having fun.
11:51 Well, maybe it's because they were allowed to drink, Hank.
11:55 I see.
11:55 That's a shot at me.
11:57 All right, I'll make you that Singapore sling you wanted.
12:01 I changed my mind.
12:03 I want tequila.
12:04 Oh, yeah!
12:14 Oh.
12:14 [LAUGHS]
12:17 That was fun.
12:18 Haven't done that in a long time.
12:21 Let's talk more limes.
12:23 Happy anniversary, baby.
12:26 Got you on my mind.
12:30 That little river band sure was good.
12:33 Yep, they were a real seven.
12:36 Now, will you just let that go, will you?
12:39 Just enjoy the music.
12:41 There's no music, Hank.
12:43 All there is is the sound of an empty house.
12:47 [MUSIC PLAYING]
12:50 [HORSE NEIGHING]
12:53 What was that?
12:54 Just the sound of all the children we never had.
12:58 I couldn't give them to you, Peggy.
13:00 It's my fault. I have a narrow urethra.
13:03 Yes, I do.
13:05 This is my urethra.
13:07 Nothing.
13:11 I ran the 40 in 5.9 seconds, but my fellows
13:15 haven't reached the end zone in 12 years.
13:19 What are we going to do now?
13:22 Well, I'm going to do what I should
13:25 have done a long time ago.
13:28 Here I go.
13:29 Peggy, wait.
13:30 Hold on.
13:34 Why are you throwing out the baby stuff?
13:44 I thought we were going to give it to Deedee.
13:46 She doesn't need our baby stuff.
13:48 She has a baby.
13:50 No, Peggy, I'm the one that deserves to be thrown out.
13:54 Hank, don't go in there without me.
13:57 [MUSIC PLAYING]
14:00 [SNORING]
14:04 [GROANING]
14:07 [GROANING]
14:11 [GROANING]
14:12 [GLASS SHATTERING]
14:16 [GROANING]
14:19 [SIGHING]
14:20 You want to go out for some pancakes?
14:22 Bobby, get in here.
14:27 Bobby, this is Topsy.
14:29 Topsy babysat your daddy when he was a boy.
14:32 And he's going to babysit your uncle, too.
14:35 I need the money.
14:37 You're the au pair they were talking about?
14:41 Give me a sign so I can get a good look at you.
14:44 Go on, Bobby.
14:46 Let Topsy get a look at you.
14:48 OK.
14:51 I'm not going to bite you.
14:52 He can't.
14:53 Had all his teeth yanked out of his head because they was green.
14:57 Get a little closer.
15:00 My eyes ain't as good as they used to be.
15:03 Topsy's legally blind.
15:05 [GASPING]
15:07 [SCREAMING]
15:10 Do it again, Topsy.
15:12 [MUSIC PLAYING]
15:16 Could you please not use the turn signals?
15:19 I'm not using the turn signals.
15:21 That's the vein in the side of your head pounding.
15:24 Well, I don't feel any better yet, do you?
15:27 Wait till you have the hot cakes.
15:29 [MUSIC PLAYING]
15:33 [SIGHING]
15:39 Hair of the dog.
15:41 Pelo de perro.
15:42 [SQUELCHING]
15:45 You know, Peggy, I was thinking,
15:50 maybe we could do some traveling.
15:52 Maybe take that trip to Alaska after all.
15:55 Oh, I have always wanted to see Spain or Australia.
16:00 Oh, who are we kidding, Hank?
16:02 We can't go anywhere.
16:04 Not until Lady Bird dies and Bobby moves out of the house.
16:09 [MUSIC PLAYING]
16:13 Hank, look.
16:15 Huh.
16:16 Let's do that.
16:17 Do what?
16:18 Parachute.
16:20 Con and Min Bungee jumped off a bridge.
16:22 Why can't we jump out of a plane?
16:24 Con and Min are nuts.
16:26 I have given you 20 years of outstanding service, Hank.
16:31 I don't know.
16:32 Look, we fell asleep in a garbage can last night.
16:35 You want that to be the highlight
16:36 of our 20th anniversary?
16:39 [MUSIC PLAYING]
16:42 [FOOTSTEPS]
16:44 Ditty woman, light me a cigar.
16:46 I hope he treats the baby better than he treats you.
16:56 Oh, he will, Bobby, until the baby crosses him.
17:00 Ditty woman, where's my lunch?
17:02 A man can starve to death waiting for you to serve him.
17:06 I'm going to the bottomless pit to watch some naked women's
17:09 dance while I eat.
17:11 And we're closed on Thursdays, OK?
17:14 Happy landings.
17:15 Happy landings to you, too.
17:17 So what'd they say?
17:19 Well, they're all booked up for the rest of the month.
17:23 But they have a couple of spots open today.
17:27 Geronimo.
17:29 Where's that sock?
17:30 Cotton's grandson?
17:35 Oh, come in.
17:39 Great.
17:40 I just took those out of the dryer.
17:42 Where'd all this water come from?
17:45 Bobby, my water broke.
17:48 It means the baby's almost done.
17:50 Now?
17:51 Soon.
17:52 You have to phone Cotton.
17:54 I don't know the number for the bottomless pit.
17:57 It's number one on the speed dial.
18:00 And number three.
18:02 Bobby, this better be good.
18:04 The next gal up plays ping pong without a paddle.
18:08 T.D.'s gonna have the baby.
18:11 We'll meet you at the hospital.
18:12 But T.D. can't drive.
18:14 He took all the--
18:15 Come on, Topsy.
18:17 Let's roll.
18:18 Which way is the Houston Hospital?
18:25 I'm not sure.
18:27 Pull over and ask for directions.
18:29 I can't do that.
18:30 I shouldn't even be driving this car.
18:32 Oh.
18:33 I know where the Arlen Hospital is.
18:36 It's two hours away.
18:37 Can you hold it in?
18:39 Oh.
18:39 Go around.
18:49 Please, go around.
18:52 I can't see where I'm going.
18:54 Oh.
18:55 Put it on cruise control and stand on the seat.
18:58 That's what Cotton does when we pass an accident.
19:01 I can't.
19:02 A red light keeps telling me to brake.
19:05 Oh.
19:06 I think you need to release the parking brake.
19:09 Aw, fart.
19:10 OK.
19:16 You're all here for different reasons.
19:18 And personally, I don't care what those reasons are.
19:20 But you'll all be joined together by the one thing I do care about.
19:23 Parachuting.
19:24 You have never experienced anything like what you're about to experience here
19:28 today.
19:29 Nothing comes close.
19:30 Not even sex.
19:31 Don't get me wrong.
19:32 I like sex.
19:34 A lot.
19:35 But parachuting is-- god, it's hard to explain.
19:39 This guy may be able to skydive, but he sure can't teach worth a damn.
19:43 Mm-hmm.
19:44 Well, teaching is much harder than it looks.
19:47 Excuse me while I kiss the sky!
20:00 Good.
20:01 Next.
20:02 First time?
20:19 Yeah.
20:19 Yeah.
20:21 Me too.
20:21 It's our 20th wedding anniversary.
20:24 Congratulations.
20:26 I've wanted to do this ever since I was a kid.
20:29 [ENGINE ROARING]
20:32 I'm a virgin.
20:32 [CRASH]
20:39 [FOOTSTEPS]
20:42 [DOOR OPENS]
20:44 Where's my wife?
20:47 Hello?
20:48 I'll do something, Topsy.
20:50 [GASPS]
20:51 [SPRAYING]
20:52 Oh!
20:53 I'll do something else.
20:55 Oh!
20:58 Come on, pick up, pick up.
21:01 I don't want to see her privates.
21:03 She's my grandmother!
21:05 [PHONE RINGING]
21:07 [GASPS]
21:09 [PHONE RINGING]
21:11 Johnny's Pizza!
21:12 [GIGGLES]
21:13 Woo!
21:14 [ENGINE ROARING]
21:17 [THUD]
21:18 [ENGINE ROARING]
21:22 Go!
21:23 [YELLS]
21:27 [GIGGLES]
21:30 [SIGHS]
21:32 [FOOTSTEPS]
21:35 [SPLASH]
21:36 [SPLASH]
21:37 [THUD]
21:38 [MUSIC PLAYING]
21:41 Oh, my god.
21:43 I can see Strickland propane from here.
21:47 It's beautiful.
21:48 [ENGINE ROARING]
21:52 [GASPS]
21:53 OK.
21:54 Oh!
21:55 [ENGINE ROARING]
21:57 Oh.
21:59 You want to jump or not?
22:01 You've got my check.
22:02 What do you care?
22:05 [GROANS]
22:08 [SIGHS]
22:11 Peggy, wasn't that amazing?
22:13 Woo-hoo!
22:14 Yeah!
22:15 We did it!
22:18 Mrs. Hill!
22:19 Your husband's on the radio!
22:23 Peggy, you were right.
22:24 It's amazing.
22:25 It's like selling a million grills all at the same time
22:29 with extended warranties.
22:31 You've got to do it.
22:33 Hank, I-- I can't.
22:35 We have to turn the plane around.
22:37 You want to jump or not?
22:40 [PANTING]
22:41 Uncle Hank, Dee Dee's at the hospital.
22:43 She's having the baby right now.
22:45 Oh, my god.
22:47 Peggy, great news.
22:48 Dee Dee's having the baby.
22:50 I'm about to be a brother.
22:51 What a day.
22:54 Peggy, can you hear me?
22:56 Yes, Hank.
22:58 That's wonderful news.
23:00 We will be landing in just a few minutes.
23:02 Wait.
23:09 I changed my mind.
23:11 Peggy Hill is going to jump.
23:13 [ENGINE ROARING]
23:15 [SCREAMING]
23:18 [SCREAMING]
23:21 [SCREAMING]
23:24 [SCREAMING]
23:27 [ENGINE ROARING]
23:30 Hey, this is terrific.
23:33 Woo-hoo!
23:35 Woo!
23:36 Woo!
23:37 Woo!
23:38 Oh, the head is crowning.
23:41 Oh, it's got hair.
23:44 Where are you going, Daddy?
23:46 Don't you want to cut the cord?
23:48 The cord!
23:49 Pull the cord!
23:50 Woo-hoo!
23:52 OK.
23:54 Your emergency cord!
23:56 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
24:00 Hank!
24:03 Hank!
24:04 Hank!
24:09 Peggy?
24:13 Oh!
24:14 [THEME MUSIC]
24:16 [THEME MUSIC]
24:25 [THEME MUSIC]
24:27 [THEME MUSIC]
24:29 [THEME MUSIC]
24:33 [THEME MUSIC]
24:36 [THEME MUSIC]
24:39 [THEME MUSIC]
24:42 [THEME MUSIC]
24:45 [THEME MUSIC]
24:52 [THEME MUSIC]
24:55 (upbeat music)
24:57 you