Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:31 [music]
00:38 [sigh]
00:39 You know, I am a substitute teacher.
00:42 I would be happy to substitute for your mama while she's in prison.
00:46 Thanks, Aunt Paggie.
00:48 But I don't think mama would want anyone to take her place.
00:52 Well, unless they took her place in prison.
00:56 But I guess that's too much to ask.
01:00 [birds chirping]
01:02 We did good, son. It's beautiful.
01:06 We did it! We finished making dad's new workbench.
01:10 Look! No splinters.
01:12 What should we build first, son?
01:14 Well, how about a go-kart?
01:16 Okay. First we'll work out the design flaws of your go-kart by building a TV cabinet.
01:23 [screaming]
01:25 Mama, get out of prison!
01:27 [crash]
01:28 Oh, I knew it! I just knew it!
01:31 I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman.
01:35 Oh, she didn't escape. She was released!
01:39 She's coming to visit on Saturday.
01:41 Uh, she's coming here?
01:44 Oh, I can't wait to tell daddy.
01:46 Oh, we're gonna be a family again.
01:50 I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house.
01:55 Whoa.
01:57 Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna have to wait a day.
02:03 Luann's mama's coming to visit.
02:05 [fart]
02:07 That woman is a menace to society.
02:11 Well, I don't know. I never met the lady, but she did her time.
02:14 I tell you what, man. Ain't no dang old lady about her, man.
02:17 Ain't got no liquor that man don't come in on strong.
02:19 That'll paw me like a dang old animal, man. I'll tell her no means no.
02:23 Yeah, Luann's bad news. I tell you what.
02:26 Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Luann entertained at his bachelor party.
02:34 So, he marries Luann, and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.
02:41 Hmm.
02:43 Ow! My foot! I think it's broken.
02:49 Well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.
02:52 No! No, no. I feel better now. I'm just gonna go on home.
02:58 Don't be silly. Just let me--
03:00 Ah!
03:01 What the--
03:02 Don't look at me! Don't look at me!
03:06 I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can finish my beer.
03:12 It's some kind of athlete's foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. Quick work in my ass.
03:19 What did the doctor say?
03:21 The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used them against me in the divorce.
03:28 You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill. It's just a medical condition.
03:33 Sure, that's what you say. I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.
03:41 Daddy, give her another chance.
03:45 Okay.
03:48 We're never gonna be a family again, Aunt Peggy. He won't forgive Mama.
03:53 Honey, marriage is about trust. And she, well, she betrayed him.
03:58 It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.
04:02 That was an old Mama. The new Mama quit drinking. She won't even eat with a fork.
04:08 Oh, Luann, I am just so proud of everything you've accomplished since we took you in.
04:13 You're in school. You've got a righteous Christian puppet show. You're always so very clean.
04:19 I just do not want you to get distracted and lose your way, honey.
04:23 Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Aunt Peggy. That's my Mama's job.
04:31 Don't make any sudden moves. Don't look her in the eye.
04:35 And if I give you this signal, run to Dale's house and stay there till I say it's safe.
04:44 She's here!
04:49 Mama! Lulu! Oh, my sweet baby girlfriend!
05:01 Thanks for the lift, Alicia.
05:05 All right, then.
05:10 It's the Hill family.
05:13 Luann, how very nice to see you.
05:17 You have such a lovely home here. Of course, if somebody turned on a fire hose, it would all be ruined.
05:26 Yeah. So, do you have a job?
05:31 No. And Lulu said the trailer's wrecked, so I guess I'm currently unresidented.
05:48 Why don't you stay here?
05:50 Bobby, wouldn't you be more comfortable in some kind of a halfway house or institution?
06:00 Please! I'll clean up after her.
06:03 That's okay, Lulu. I am so sorry for all the grief I caused you when I was drinking.
06:10 I am walking with the Lord now, and I know I have found His forgiveness.
06:15 I just hope I will find yours someday.
06:18 Well, we'll let you know.
06:20 Oh, Mama! I love you so much!
06:25 I love you, too, baby doll!
06:28 We'll get a papa, Mama! I quit school, and I'll get a job!
06:34 Oh, baby, you mean it?
06:36 Okay, then.
06:37 Whoa, whoa, whoa! You will not quit school.
06:39 Luann, you can stay here until you find a job to support yourself.
06:44 Oh, bless you, Pat! I won't even stay in the house. I'll sleep in the garage!
06:49 What? No, my workbench. You can't stay out there.
06:53 I'll fix that real nice for you, Mama!
06:55 Thank you! Thank you!
06:58 Well, what choice did we have?
07:01 Dr. Escamilla, Dr. Escamilla, please come to X-Ray.
07:06 Norman Schwartzkopf?
07:08 Uh, yep.
07:10 Okay, Norman, you have a common toe fungus.
07:14 Just take one of these pills every day, and you'll be good as new.
07:17 I've been living with this nightmare for ten years, and all I gotta do is take these pills?
07:22 Yeah, that's right. Now, you gotta take 'em on a full stomach.
07:25 Can do!
07:27 And absolutely no alcohol.
07:31 Hmm.
07:36 How long is she gonna stay here?
07:39 I am sick and tired of scrambling around to find nutritious meals that do not require a fork.
07:46 Hey, Luann, how's that, uh, job search coming along?
07:50 Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.
07:56 Mama, I want you to meet my Buckley.
08:01 Go on. Like we practiced.
08:06 Hey.
08:08 Well, he's just gorgeous!
08:11 Oh, feel these muscles!
08:14 I gotta go.
08:17 Thanks for the ride!
08:19 Look! Twin dresses!
08:23 I got them for us to wear to our very first mother-daughter makeover night at the beauty academy.
08:29 I will meet you there after your classes tonight. I'm gonna go shower and shave right now.
08:35 Close the door this time.
08:38 Yep.
08:39 Yep.
08:41 Yep.
08:42 Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep! What a great day, huh? What a great day to be alive.
08:47 Hey, who wants to play some hacky sack? I do. I'll start.
08:51 You're a hacker!
08:53 [laughing]
09:00 Bill, we're all really happy that your toe fungus died, but we don't want to look at your feet every five minutes, okay?
09:09 [music]
09:19 Ow! I'm sorry.
09:22 Well, hi. You must be Luanne's mom, huh?
09:25 That's funny. Most people think me and Lulu are sisters. Would you do me?
09:31 Huh?
09:32 Well, don't be shy. I'm running late.
09:35 [music]
09:39 There. You know how long it's been since I had a drink?
09:44 391 days. I've been sober the whole time.
09:50 Well, help yourself. I was just gonna surprise Hank and leave him in his fridge. I'm not allowed to have any alcohol. Doctor's orders.
09:59 Me either. Court orders. I can't be around any of my old friends, 'cause all they do is drink.
10:06 Mine too.
10:07 I guess you and me are just gonna have to make new friends, huh?
10:12 [laughing]
10:14 Ow!
10:15 Miss Platter, where is this mother you've been going on and on about?
10:28 Oh, she's on her way.
10:30 Yeah, sure.
10:32 [laughing]
10:35 So you like being in the Army?
10:37 Oh, yeah, I love it. I love it. They tell us when to get up, what to wear, when to eat. They take all the guesswork out of living.
10:47 Well, that's kind of like prison. The best part was the food. Three meals a day.
10:52 Yeah, us too.
10:54 Did y'all have those meal trays?
10:56 Yeah, five compartments.
10:58 Oh, we only had four.
11:00 Well, that follows you in there to be punished.
11:05 Well, is that clear nail polish? I just love a man who takes care of his feet.
11:12 Well, you only get two.
11:15 Well, did you know there's a spot on your foot that's connected to every part of your whole body? You want me to show you?
11:24 You want to touch my feet?
11:27 How else can I show you, silly?
11:30 [laughing]
11:33 I could just rub these all night.
11:35 Oh, I don't know. Me having my feet rubbed all night by a pretty girl and feeling not okay.
11:43 Morning.
11:48 Morning.
11:49 Morning.
11:50 Morning.
11:51 Morning.
11:52 Morning.
11:53 Morning.
11:54 Morning.
11:55 Morning.
11:56 Morning.
11:57 [grunt]
11:58 Morning.
12:01 Bill, there are some things you don't do in another man's garage. As of right now, Leanne is kicked out.
12:10 Hey, Hank, see? Our relationship is just starting. It's too soon to ask her to move into my house. We'd be moving faster than the speed of love. Please?
12:22 [sigh] All right. Dang it. At this rate, my new workbench is never going to get used.
12:29 Oh, it got used last night.
12:32 Huh?
12:33 Right after we took a little ride on your mower.
12:37 [scream]
12:38 I got so scared when you didn't show up, I thought you started drinking again and got in an accident or a gunfight.
12:46 I'm so sorry, honey girl. I just lost track of the time. Forgive me.
12:53 Please close the door.
12:56 Well, we still have today.
12:59 Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
13:02 Oh, me and Billa Dee are going out to celebrate today.
13:07 But I want you to see my puppet show. See, it's called "The Manger Baby."
13:12 Honey.
13:13 It's about the animals that lived in Jesus' manger.
13:16 Honey.
13:17 There's a donkey and a...
13:18 Honey, honey, honey. Billy is the first good thing to happen to me since I met your daddy. After all I've been through, don't you want me to be happy?
13:27 Of course I do.
13:29 Well, I knew you'd understand.
13:32 [kissing]
13:33 [kissing]
13:34 [kissing]
13:35 [door slams]
13:37 I would love to see your show, Luanne.
13:39 Hey, you could save a seat for Mama in case she changes her mind.
13:45 [music]
13:50 I've been watching you for days now, baby.
13:54 I just love your sexy ways now, baby.
13:58 You know my love will never stop now, baby.
14:03 Just put your loving in my box now, baby.
14:07 Wrap it up.
14:09 I'll take it.
14:11 Wrap it up.
14:13 I'll take it.
14:15 [music]
14:24 Well, I'm gonna treat you like the queen you are.
14:29 Bring you sweet things from my candy jar.
14:34 You've got some chewy mabillions.
14:38 Give it, give it to me and pour me a beer.
14:42 Hey, Billy, let's go on down to Ugly's and show off how in love we are.
14:47 Yeah, I'd like that.
14:49 But I'm all tapped out till my next paycheck.
14:52 We even spent my mad money.
14:54 Well, that's okay.
14:56 Foot rubs are great.
14:59 You're spoiling me.
15:01 You wouldn't.
15:02 I know that I am.
15:04 Now, Lily Magic Finger gonna--
15:07 Oh, God, what is that?
15:09 What?
15:10 Oh, oh, that's just a little fungus.
15:13 So, what are Lily Magic Fingers gonna do to you?
15:19 Fungus.
15:20 How do you get fungus?
15:22 Don't worry about it.
15:23 As soon as I get paid, I'm gonna get my prescription refilled,
15:26 and it'll clear up just like that.
15:29 Now, you're not gonna let a little fungus come between us, are you?
15:37 I'll just get some almond oil.
15:49 Come and get it.
16:10 Now, normally I'd use a clamp for this, but you'll do in a pinch.
16:14 Okay.
16:15 If you want me to hold it tight, say "T."
16:18 If you want me to hold it real tight, say "RT."
16:22 That'll be our system.
16:25 All right, T.
16:28 Ow!
16:30 Dang it, I need my workbench.
16:36 Oh.
16:42 What the?
16:48 Oh!
16:49 Bobby, red alert!
16:50 Get over to Dale's and lock the doors!
16:52 Move!
16:54 Peggy!
16:55 Peggy, it's Leanne!
16:56 She's right here.
17:00 Uh, hey.
17:02 Bill was just inviting us to a barbecue.
17:05 Why?
17:06 I mean, what's the occasion?
17:09 We're engaged!
17:11 It was supposed to be a surprise!
17:18 I need a smoke.
17:22 This is the happiest day of my life.
17:33 Uh, Bill, how should I put this?
17:37 You know, Leanne's first husband is hiding out on an oil rig in the Gulf,
17:43 and he swears he's not coming ashore until I fax him her death certificate.
17:48 Now, what makes you think you're gonna do any better?
17:51 Because she loves me.
17:53 Then why did she hit you?
17:54 Oh, that?
17:55 That?
17:56 Well, that's just a new love game we made up yesterday.
17:59 It's not one of my favorites, but she seems to like it.
18:03 This goes without saying, Bill, but just in case it doesn't,
18:07 I am saying that you all cannot live in my garage.
18:11 Oh, she's moving in with me today.
18:13 My house is big enough for the two of us.
18:17 Maybe even more.
18:23 Hiya, Peggy.
18:24 Look what I got.
18:26 What did you do?
18:28 Mama's gonna love it.
18:30 Mm-mm. I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller.
18:34 You're not my mama.
18:36 Mama's my mama.
18:38 Leanne, you are never gonna see her for what she is.
18:41 Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for the pain.
18:44 The next time that woman breaks your heart, I am not gonna be waiting there to say, "I told you so."
18:49 Why won't you give Mama a chance?
18:51 She just really needs us to believe in her.
18:54 I believe in her, Leanne.
18:56 I asked her to marry me.
18:59 You're gonna marry Mama?
19:02 Oh, this is like a fairy tale.
19:06 I'm gonna call you Step-Daddy Bill.
19:09 Oh.
19:10 You see it, Peggy?
19:12 I'm not the only one who thinks Mama can change.
19:17 Oh, they grow up so fast.
19:22 Oh, you stupid, fat, stupid, ugly, fuck-up-a.
19:27 This is unbelievable.
19:29 Every time I find somebody like you, you fall in love.
19:36 Hey, hey, hey, fellas.
19:38 What happened to your eye?
19:40 Eye? Oh, eye.
19:41 Oh, that, that, that's an interesting story.
19:44 You know what?
19:45 I was walking, I was walking, and I walked into a door.
19:51 Wait a minute.
19:53 How is that interesting?
20:00 I'm hungry.
20:01 Where's the bride-to-be?
20:03 Oh, she'll be out soon.
20:05 She just has the free engagement party jitters.
20:09 Some kind of damn jitters.
20:13 Well, hey, everybody.
20:15 Welcome to the party.
20:17 Hey, here she is.
20:20 Woo, let's get it on.
20:23 Oh, no.
20:24 What should we do?
20:26 Well, I am going to go close up the mustard before it crusts, if you'll excuse me.
20:38 Okay, if she gets out of hand, I'll go high, you guys go low.
20:42 I'm ready for pepper spray, 50% capsaicum.
20:48 Mama, maybe you should eat something.
20:50 Well, where's the damn food?
20:53 The fungus for brains already gobbled it all up.
20:57 Gobbled it up, yeah.
21:03 Hey, boys, she's back.
21:06 Give it up for Lily.
21:09 Poor Bill.
21:11 This woman is making a fool of him.
21:14 It happens.
21:17 Oh, please.
21:18 Will you quit calling me that?
21:20 I'm not 34.
21:22 Woo, lemonade.
21:26 Hello, Rodney, hello, Leslie.
21:30 Say hi.
21:31 I want to go home.
21:33 Thank God.
21:36 Hey.
21:39 Oh, come on, Stan, show me some love.
21:43 Get this skank off me.
21:49 Fork.
21:51 Pimpy little.
21:56 Excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.
22:00 Poor Peggy, she's dead.
22:02 Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother.
22:06 She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you.
22:10 But you don't know how to return even a fraction of the love you get from your child or from your man.
22:16 I hope someday you can live without alcohol.
22:19 But until that day, we can all live very nicely without you.
22:27 Thank you for that.
22:30 I'm sorry.
22:33 I've been acting pretty foolish, everyone.
22:37 You can let go of my hand.
22:43 [Screaming]
22:47 Get off me!
22:48 Hey!
22:50 [Screaming]
22:56 Hey, stop it!
22:59 I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, Stacey.
23:03 Well, there's one thing that you didn't count on.
23:06 My brother has got size six feet, but I don't.
23:10 Oh, yeah!
23:15 [Cheering]
23:20 Come on, Leanne.
23:22 Let's get out of this dump.
23:26 Oh, think you're better than me, huh?
23:30 Fine, then I ain't your sister no more.
23:51 Well, I guess we can start eating.
23:54 You can't just let her steal your truck, Bill.
23:56 You got to call the police.
23:58 No, I think the best thing to do is just let her go.
24:02 If she doesn't come back, it means we were never meant to be.
24:05 And if she does come back, well, then I'll call the police.
24:11 You kicked her ass, Mom.
24:13 Yes, I did.
24:14 But she's a better dancer.
24:15 You do not know that.
24:20 What should I do about Mr. Dugtree?
24:22 He keeps introducing me as his daughter.
24:25 Well, the parental bond is extremely strong, even if it's not real.
24:30 You know, the aunt-niece bond is even stronger.
24:34 I think so, too.
24:37 Twin sisters may have the strongest bond.
24:40 Especially if they're attached at the head.
24:43 And next would be the aunt-niece bond.
24:46 Oh, yeah.
24:47 Strongest is the aunt-niece attached at the head.
24:51 Well, I don't know how that would happen, but yes.