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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:09 (upbeat music)
00:14 (upbeat music)
00:19 (bell ringing)
00:22 (upbeat music)
00:31 (bell ringing)
00:34 - So I told that steak trooper,
00:36 ignorance of the Lord is no excuse either.
00:40 - Well, that was quick.
00:43 - Yeah, well, the Winston cups on at noon
00:45 and Reverend Thomason always wraps it up in plenty of time.
00:49 - And now friends, I'm sad to say that I've decided
00:53 to retire from Arlen First Methodist.
00:59 - Retire? A man works half a day a week.
01:02 - After much reflection and soul searching,
01:05 I've decided that the future of God is on the internet.
01:09 CyberRev.com will spread the gospel
01:12 to every online soul in the world, unless you have AOL.
01:16 I'll be hosting a potluck dinner on Saturday
01:20 to welcome your new minister.
01:23 - The new guy better like sports.
01:25 - Reverend Karen Stroop.
01:27 (crowd murmuring)
01:29 - A woman?
01:30 (upbeat music)
01:32 - So it's up and running,
01:34 the secret lab in the basement
01:37 of the Harvard Divinity School
01:38 where they ordain women surgically.
01:42 - The Pebble Beach Celebrity Golf Pro-Am is this Sunday.
01:46 If this gal's sermon runs late,
01:48 you know how women like to talk,
01:50 we're gonna miss Matt Lauer's opening drive.
01:53 - You know what I think?
01:54 I think God sent a female minister here to punish me,
01:58 first single gal to move to Ireland in years,
02:00 and she's forbidden to marry.
02:03 - Uh, Bill, ministers can marry.
02:06 - Oh.
02:06 (Bill laughing)
02:08 Thank you, God.
02:09 - Wait till Cotton finds out about this female man of God.
02:14 I almost hesitate to fax it to him.
02:16 - That's not gonna happen, Dale.
02:19 I told you to stop sending my dad the gribble report.
02:23 - You tell me a lot of things, Hank,
02:26 most of which I publish.
02:28 (upbeat music)
02:31 - Now, Bobby, honey,
02:33 let's try to make Reverend Stroop feel very welcome, okay?
02:37 Some people, they just cannot accept women
02:39 in positions of real authority.
02:42 I remember my first day as a fourth grade substitute teacher.
02:45 - (gasps) Look, there she is.
02:49 I'm a successful tire distributor, back me up.
02:52 (people chattering)
02:55 (Hank moaning)
02:58 - Well, hello, Reverend.
03:00 I am Peggy Hill, and this is Peggy Hill's Frito Pie.
03:04 It is a traditional Texas recipe
03:06 that I found on a bag of Fritos.
03:09 - Whoa, Peggy Hill.
03:12 Peggy Hill, Peggy Hill, Peggy Hill, good.
03:15 You are in for a real treat.
03:18 I've prepared a little taste of Minnesota called lutefisk.
03:23 It's a Scandinavian delicacy made by baking codfish
03:27 in a solution of lye until the bones become gelatinous.
03:31 - Oh, what?
03:33 Okay, honey, we'll be right there.
03:37 Oh, my husband is dying to meet you.
03:40 Hank Hill, Hank Hill, Hank Hill, good.
03:48 So, your first sermon tomorrow, you nervous?
03:52 - Yeah, a little.
03:53 - Me too, you see, the Pebble Beach Pro-Am is on at 1.30,
03:58 and my VCR doesn't always work.
04:00 - Oh, that could be a problem.
04:02 The quarterback challenge is on at 1.15,
04:07 don't wanna miss that.
04:08 - You're a football fan?
04:10 - Let's just say between God and the Vikings,
04:13 Sunday's not my day of rest.
04:16 - (laughs) Well, you might be all right.
04:19 Seriously, though, how are you fixed for propane?
04:24 (bells chiming)
04:28 (gulping)
04:31 - This stuff stinks.
04:43 When I found out I'd been assigned to a church in Texas,
04:46 I was a little worried.
04:48 A lot of female ministers don't last too long down here.
04:52 - Yeah, it gets pretty hot in the summer.
04:54 - Hank, let me ask you something.
04:59 Do you like fish?
05:02 - Only catching 'em, gutting 'em, and eating 'em.
05:04 - Just a taste, Hank.
05:08 I want everyone in the congregation to have some lutefisk,
05:11 and I only made enough for 30.
05:14 - My lutefisk!
05:15 Where's my lutefisk?
05:17 I put it right here, between the Frito Pie
05:20 and the Frito Pie.
05:21 Has anyone seen it?
05:23 - Maybe you put it on the dessert table
05:28 next to my lemon bars.
05:29 - Well, it's not here.
05:34 Can everyone help me look?
05:36 - I found it!
05:40 - Did anyone get to try some?
05:42 Someone just threw it out?
05:51 - That's right, I found it in the trash.
05:53 - Oh, poor Reverend Strupa.
06:00 Just seeing how much people enjoyed my Frito Pie
06:02 must have, well, must have been salt in her wounds.
06:05 - It's sort of an odd way to attack a gal,
06:08 to throw out her favorite fish.
06:11 - Mm-hmm, but I doubt that there is anything
06:14 that could have hurt that woman more.
06:16 (gagging)
06:21 - Let's go, if we get to church late,
06:27 we'll have to park in the dirt lot.
06:35 - I met y'all last night.
06:40 I know you are good people, decent people.
06:44 I'm not going to judge the whole town
06:47 based on the sins of one lost soul.
06:50 I'm not even going to judge that one person
06:57 because I still don't know who it is.
07:01 (gagging)
07:06 - Well, it was worth a shot.
07:08 Please open your Bibles to Mark 6.41.
07:12 And the two fishes, divided he among them all,
07:18 and they did all eat and were filled.
07:23 And they took up 12 baskets full of the fragments
07:28 and of the fishes.
07:29 - I left a shoe in the car, be right back.
07:32 - ...were about five.
07:35 (gagging)
07:37 - Let us pray.
07:39 (orchestral music)
07:42 - What'd I miss, did she dance yet?
07:47 - How did he find out about this?
07:50 - Psst, Colonel, I saved you a seat.
07:53 - Here's another Minnesota tradition
08:01 that's not so easy to throw in the garbage.
08:05 Let's everyone rise and hug the person next to you.
08:10 (orchestral music)
08:13 - Leave it to a woman to turn God's house into a love shack.
08:18 - Permission to hug you, Colonel?
08:20 - Denied, go hug your wife.
08:23 - I can't, she's hugging the person next to her.
08:26 - Looks like you need someone to hug.
08:31 - Looks like you need to read your Bible.
08:34 And now quote, "Women should remain silent in the churches.
08:37 "They are not allowed to speak,
08:39 "but must be in submission."
08:41 Corinthians.
08:42 - Yes, but in the book of--
08:44 - Billy Graham, man.
08:46 Jimmy Swaggart, man.
08:48 Karen Stroop.
08:50 - Enough!
08:51 If you hurt this woman, this single woman,
08:55 and you take her away from me,
08:57 I promise I will strike you down.
09:01 - I make my point.
09:03 If you need me, I'll be in the one part of this church
09:06 that's still men's only.
09:08 (orchestral music)
09:15 - I'm sorry, I ate all the lutefisk.
09:21 Oh, why did you have to taste so good?
09:26 Why?
09:29 Why?
09:30 (screams)
09:33 Oh, mercy!
09:35 Mister, what did you eat?
09:38 (grunts)
09:41 Oh.
09:42 Ah, forget it.
09:46 I'll take my business elsewhere.
09:48 (door slams)
09:50 (door slams)
09:51 (toilet flushes)
09:56 (toilet flushes)
09:59 (knocking)
10:02 - Hello?
10:03 (knocking)
10:04 Hello?
10:05 (knocking)
10:06 Is anyone in there?
10:07 (toilet flushes)
10:08 Hello?
10:09 (toilet flushes)
10:10 Are you okay?
10:11 (knocking)
10:14 (blows)
10:18 (sniffs)
10:21 (knocking)
10:24 (groans)
10:28 (grunts)
10:33 (grunts)
10:36 (sniffs)
10:49 - What's that smell?
10:51 - Nothing.
10:52 - Wait a minute, I know that smell.
10:54 (gasps)
10:55 Fire!
10:56 (screams)
10:57 (screaming)
11:00 (screaming)
11:26 - Oh God, oh God, please don't let it be the propane tanks.
11:31 - I just spoke to the arson investigator.
11:34 His investigation points to arson!
11:38 (groans)
11:39 Someone did this because they don't want a woman minister.
11:44 To him I say, you can burn down our church,
11:49 but you cannot burn down our faith.
11:52 Our faith is the kind of stuff that children's pajamas should be made of.
11:57 (applause)
11:59 - Why would someone want to burn down our church?
12:03 - Honey, they weren't trying to burn down our church.
12:06 They were trying to kill Reverend Stroop.
12:09 - The fire started in a garbage can in the men's room.
12:13 (gasps)
12:14 - And I read in the paper that the flames were so hot,
12:21 they literally burned the very wood the church was made of.
12:25 Bobby, you haven't even touched a Roscon chicken.
12:29 - I'm not eating, ever again.
12:32 - Ah, don't blame ya.
12:33 I ate bugs in the war, tasted better than this.
12:37 - Actually, Cotton, I think he's upset about what happened to the church.
12:41 - It burnt down.
12:43 I feel so bad.
12:46 (sobs)
12:50 - It's not your fault, honey.
12:51 Whoever committed this hate crime is the one who should starve himself to death, not you.
12:56 (sobs)
12:59 - Oh, our sweet, sweet little, sensitive little boy.
13:05 He feels everything so deeply, like a poet.
13:10 A cowboy poet.
13:16 It is with a heavy heart that I welcome you to this interfaith prayer service.
13:22 Protestant and Catholic, Jew and Buddhist, man and woman,
13:30 we are all brought together today by hate.
13:33 - Oh, I hate hate.
13:36 - Hate that throws out my lutefisk.
13:39 Hate that burns down our church.
13:42 Hate that makes an innocent little boy stop eating.
13:46 That's right.
13:48 Would Bobby Hill please come up to the microphone?
13:51 - Go on, honey. It'll be okay.
13:53 - Psst! Men, men!
13:56 (snaps)
13:59 - Bobby, the strength of your devotion is an inspiration to us all.
14:05 That's why I want you to be the first to know
14:09 the police have found the matchbook that started the fire
14:13 and are closing in on the arsonist.
14:16 (applause)
14:18 - Bobby!
14:21 - For the sake of this poor, tortured soul,
14:25 please help us find the man responsible for this hate crime.
14:30 If you know anyone who might carry a matchbook from a strip club in Houston,
14:36 tell the police.
14:38 (music)
14:44 - The matchbook came from a strip club in Houston.
14:48 A strip club in Houston, Hank.
14:52 A stri--
14:53 - My father did not burn down the church.
14:56 Lots of guys go to strip clubs in Houston.
14:59 - Oh, and also go to church in Arlen where they harass female ministers
15:03 and then announce they're going to the men's room
15:06 where a fire is started with matches from a strip club in Houston?
15:12 - Ripa! Ripa!
15:22 You gotta help me.
15:23 They found my girly bar matches.
15:25 It's only a matter of time before they accuse me of church burglary.
15:30 - Colonel, I would be honored if you used my phone to claim responsibility.
15:35 - But I didn't do it, you idiot.
15:37 - The evidence suggests otherwise.
15:40 They've got your matchbook, and it won't be long before I turn you in.
15:44 - God.
15:45 Okay.
15:47 Here's how it went down.
15:49 I tried to go to the latrine,
15:52 but there was already a man in there.
15:54 I lit one match in self-defense and then beat a hasty retreat.
16:00 The smelly man must have set the fire after I left.
16:04 Find the man with the terrible smell,
16:07 and you'll have your arsonist.
16:11 - Sir, your only hope is to make a run for it.
16:15 - Arrgh!
16:17 - Wake up, Hank.
16:22 Going somewhere?
16:27 - Now why don't you just turn around,
16:30 go back to bed, and no one gets hurt.
16:34 - Quick!
16:35 He's gots to hide me!
16:37 - We know you're in there.
16:49 Come out with your hands up.
16:51 - Oh!
16:52 - Cotton Hill, you're under arrest for arson.
16:55 - You got the wrong man.
16:57 Let me down!
16:58 - Mom, he didn't start the fire.
17:01 He couldn't have.
17:03 - Bobby!
17:04 - Grandpa!
17:05 - I didn't do it.
17:06 - I believe you.
17:07 - It was somebody else.
17:08 - I know!
17:09 - Look for the man with the terrible smell.
17:11 He's the one you want.
17:13 You hear me?
17:14 The man with the terrible smell.
17:16 - I'll miss you.
17:20 - I'll miss you.
17:22 - Okay, show's over.
17:36 Nothing to see here.
17:37 Everyone go home.
17:39 It's a circus out there.
17:42 By now it's all over town.
17:48 - My dad is an arsonist.
17:50 - Well, I don't know why you're so surprised.
17:52 I have always said that man is capable of anything.
17:55 Before, people used to look away or pretend not to hear me.
17:59 But now, they will all have to nod in agreement.
18:02 Yes, they will.
18:03 - Even if Grandpa did do it, it doesn't mean he's a bad person.
18:08 - Bobby, I've always stood by my dad, no matter what.
18:12 And there's been a lot of "what" over the years.
18:16 But burning down a church, I just don't know.
18:19 - But he's still your father, no matter what, right?
18:24 - Well, I know you can disown a child.
18:30 There must be something like that for a parent.
18:33 - I'd like a one-way ticket to Mexico, por favor.
18:43 That means today.
18:45 - Bobby?
18:47 - Grandma Deedy?
18:48 - Oh, Bobby, I just came in from Houston.
18:51 Cotton is in jail.
18:52 - I know! Are you here to bail him out?
18:56 - There's no bail. He's burned down a church.
18:59 Now our baby is going to grow up without a father.
19:03 Not your and my baby. Cotton's and my baby.
19:06 - I feel so bad!
19:09 It was an accident. I know it was an accident.
19:13 Why can't they just leave him alone and forget about it?
19:17 - This baby was an accident, too, but if I forgot about it, it would never get born.
19:23 I think you have to be responsible for your accidents.
19:27 Cotton thinks so, too.
19:29 At least he stopped saying he didn't.
19:31 - Really?
19:32 - He said if the baby turned out as good as you, Bobby,
19:36 then he will not abandon it.
19:41 - Cotton, you have got to confess.
19:44 You will feel better, and I will feel better.
19:47 - They're offering you a good deal.
19:49 Cop to the hate crime, and they'll drop the 123 counts of attempted murder.
19:55 - No deal! I'm not taking a fall for the smelly man.
19:59 - Dang it, Dad, there is no smelly man.
20:02 - Now you listen to me.
20:05 I spent two weeks on Iwo Jima, buried under a pile of bodies.
20:10 The things I smelled, you can't even imagine.
20:15 But I'll never forget what I smelled that day in the church.
20:20 It was a vengeful stink.
20:35 It was a stink for the ages.
20:37 - I will tell you what stinks, old man.
20:40 Your story stinks.
20:42 - Grandpa! Dad! Mom!
20:47 It was...
20:50 It was me!
20:52 It's all my fault!
20:55 I ate the lutefisk.
20:58 I got sick in the bathroom.
21:01 I lit the matches.
21:03 I burned down the church.
21:06 I let everyone blame Grandpa.
21:09 - I told you I didn't do it.
21:13 Your boy is a man with a terrible smell.
21:16 - Oh.
21:17 - I knew it. I knew this was too good to be true.
21:20 - Bobby, you are gonna march down that hall and tell the police everything.
21:26 See if maybe they will spare your grandfather's life.
21:29 - Okay.
21:31 - Nobody's going no place.
21:34 Hank, Hedgewife, you too, stinky.
21:37 - Hey, don't call him that.
21:39 - Oh, I'm sorry.
21:41 Did I hurt your feelings, stinky?
21:44 - Grandpa.
21:45 - It don't feel so good, does it?
21:48 Well, get used to it.
21:50 'Cause that's what everyone's gonna call you if you go blabbing to the police, stinky.
21:56 - He's right.
21:57 Oh, Lord, and there are other names, too.
22:00 - Yeah, how about Arsonist?
22:02 That's what they'll be calling him in State of Texas versus Bobby Hill.
22:06 - So many names.
22:08 What are we gonna do?
22:10 - You'll do what I say is what you're gonna do.
22:12 Now get the cops in here.
22:14 Tell 'em I'm ready to confess.
22:16 - No, Dad, you can't.
22:18 - I'm an old man. Everybody already hates me.
22:21 But Bobby, he's just a child.
22:23 He's got his whole life ahead of him.
22:25 - Cotton, do you know what you're saying?
22:29 - If I can take a bullet for my grandson, I'll do it.
22:32 But not in the face.
22:33 That's how I make my livings.
22:35 - How you make your-- - Send him in!
22:37 I'll tell you what I told the cops.
22:41 I'm the one who burned down your church.
22:44 But it was an accident.
22:46 As for the man with the terrible smell, well, that was me, too.
22:52 I'm old, I got no shins, my plumbing don't work so good no more.
22:57 I blamed the fire on someone else because I was embarrassed by my own terrible smell.
23:04 - The digestive problems of the elderly are their cross to bear.
23:13 And we should pity them, not condemn them.
23:17 - Oh.
23:18 - Cotton Hill, you have my forgiveness and my love.
23:22 And I invite the entire congregation to offer you their forgiveness and love with a hug.
23:49 - Mom, as long as we're confessing,
23:52 remember when Grandpa broke the arm of your boggle trophy 'cause he was playing soccer in the house?
23:59 - I will never forgive him for that.
24:02 - It was me. - I forgive you.
24:06 [Music]
24:10 [Music]
24:14 [Music]
24:17 [Music]
24:24 [Music]
24:27 [Music]
24:38 [Music]
24:48 [Music]
24:51 - But not in the face, that's how I make my--