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AmusantTranscription
00:00 *Music*
00:05 Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey!
00:09 *Music*
00:12 Oh Mickey, oh it's so fine, I wanna believe!
00:15 You take me by the heart, and you take me by the hand!
00:19 Oh Mickey you're so fine, I want you all day!
00:23 Oh I'm glad you're here Mickey!
00:25 *Music*
00:26 Mickey too, Mickey too, Mickey, don't play my ball Mickey!
00:30 *Music*
00:34 *Music*
00:53 *Music*
01:04 Oh man, you didn't have to bring cookies.
01:09 Hearing about all of your little Connie's academic achievements is all the treat that we need.
01:14 Oh, no problem. Don't want them getting stale while we go on a luxury trip to Mexico.
01:20 Oh, Hank and I used to go every time they devalued the peso.
01:24 That got old pretty quick.
01:27 We stay in beautiful "Metad" duplex condo with Khan's brother and family.
01:32 Oh yes, lovely.
01:34 What "Metad" mean exactly in English?
01:37 First class? Deluxe?
01:40 "Metad"
01:42 You know, that's one of those words that doesn't translate easily.
01:46 Extra special luxury?
01:48 It conveys the idea of simple but relatively clean living.
01:52 Stupid brother! Now we back out on a trip and we stuck with full charge for condo rent.
02:00 We can't afford that! We just bought a CD jukebox!
02:04 Maybe crack our neighbor some use after all.
02:09 Howdy neighbor!
02:15 Well, sure, there are some pros. It's a good deal.
02:19 And I guess there's nothing tying us to the house now that we've got automatic sprinklers.
02:24 But there's also the cons. The biggest one being, well, Khan.
02:29 Hank, I saw the brochure. The condo is two stories and very "Metad".
02:35 You would barely have to see him.
02:37 If we stayed home, I wouldn't have to see him at all.
02:41 I can't think of a better vacation than that.
02:43 But it's also an opportunity to learn about another culture.
02:47 Now the last time Bobby went to Mexico, he was still on the bris.
02:51 I love Mexico. They fast-track new makeup straight to the consumer.
02:57 Here, the SEA tests and tests for years. It's like they don't care how we look.
03:02 Oh, come on, Hank. I can finally replace that papier-mâché pair I got when I was an exchange student in Oaxaca.
03:09 Come on, Dad. It's the real-life home of TV's Monsignor Martinez.
03:14 Well, okay. If you all want to go, I guess it's Buenos Dias, Mexico.
03:22 Oh, Hank. I'm sorry, but you just said "Good God's Mexico."
03:29 Wish I could go on a luxury Mexican vacation.
03:35 Must be pretty expensive to stay in one of those me-tied condos.
03:40 Must cost at least 500 bucks.
03:43 Maybe you got it for 350.
03:46 How much you paying?
03:48 I tell you what, man. About Mexico, man.
03:50 You go down there, they're gonna load up on them dang old chiclets, man.
03:53 That's what you go down there to wheel and deal with them dang old guys.
03:56 Talkin' 'bout un camino dos mujeres.
03:58 What?
03:59 I think it's nice that you're going away, Hank.
04:01 You need a good vacation with your new best friend, Con, who you love so much.
04:08 Yes, Bill. I love Con.
04:11 Maybe if this trip works out, I'll marry him and live in Mexico forever.
04:15 Is that what you want to hear?
04:17 No.
04:29 Every time I try to pass, he'll believe woman speed up.
04:32 Don't be silly. Peggy here's not even thinking about you.
04:36 Blink again, hot shot.
04:48 Did you see that?
04:56 Hey, no fair. You're making a mockery of the breakdown lane.
05:01 Why is there such a big fence, Dad?
05:05 Well, millions of people come to America in search of a better life,
05:10 and we've decided we don't need that many.
05:13 Did the super-nuisance phones come through the fence?
05:16 No, Bobby. Con applied the legal way.
05:19 Sometimes the system fails us.
05:23 Hey, check out this dangerous character.
05:26 Ooh, watch out. You think he's running guns?
05:30 Sir, pull your vehicle over to the inspection area, please.
05:34 He was joking. Tell him you were joking, Con.
05:38 I let him look. You got nothing to hide.
05:40 See you at condo.
05:47 [Sigh]
05:52 Don't steal the towels. You take a charge.
05:59 This is a mini bar. You use, you pay.
06:04 Now for the tour of the condo. Condo.
06:08 Wait a minute. Where the rest of it?
06:11 I pay for me tot condo two floors.
06:14 This condo plenty me tot but only one floor.
06:17 What are you trying to pull? Old bait and switch?
06:20 Me tot. Me tot means half.
06:24 Just downstairs, not upstairs. Comprendes?
06:27 Just downstairs?
06:29 I can't spend a whole weekend squished side by side with a redneck neighbor.
06:33 No, no, no, no. Don't worry about any redneck neighbor.
06:37 Nobody's rented the upstairs. It's completely vacant.
06:41 But, but, where are the bathroom?
06:44 Oh, there's only one bathroom.
06:46 But, hey, the tub is big enough for two people.
06:49 [Scream]
06:51 I come to see Mexico.
07:02 Not Hank Hill squeezing this year's butt into last year's swimsuit.
07:10 Oh, no. You're not getting the upstairs.
07:13 Not after what you did to me back there at the border.
07:16 Okay, you take high class penthouse with view.
07:19 We take downstairs hovel.
07:22 Here's key. Lock little sticky.
07:25 You gotta rake it like this. No tomorrow.
07:28 This is a car key.
07:30 Yeah, you win new car. This big game show. Just rake it, stupid.
07:34 Hmph. Well, it probably just needs a little WD-40.
07:39 Peggy, which bag has our bathroom stuff?
07:43 Come on, kids. Andale. We're off to the paper Merced district.
07:50 We gotta sneak off on our own, Bubby.
07:53 Mom, can Connie and I go play volleyball?
07:58 Well, all right. Just make sure to apply plenty of sunscreen, honey.
08:03 We are much closer to the sun here than in Texas.
08:06 [Music]
08:24 This market is way too tacky. They are not gonna have paper Merced bears.
08:35 Oh, my God. La Lete de Sal.
08:38 The illegal beauty secret of the stars.
08:41 Look, Bobby. Firecrackers.
08:59 Bueno. M80s. Those are a quarter stick of dynamite.
09:05 Oh, my gosh. La Bomba. Those can blow your whole arm off.
09:12 Ahora regresamos a los días y las noches de Monsignor Martínez.
09:19 Vaya. Oh, Dios.
09:26 [Music]
09:29 Hey, take that away.
09:31 Ugh.
09:38 Hey, this is a beer, not a fruit salad.
09:44 Why can't you find your own bar?
09:47 I have same coupon book as you. I just want a beer.
09:51 This is free country. Isn't it?
09:55 Huh? Oh, no. No, I don't want this.
09:59 No. No, look. If you want to make money, play for that guy.
10:03 He's rich. Mucho dinero.
10:06 [Speaking Spanish]
10:08 What? Oh, no, no. You think I'm a sucker?
10:16 Ah, you sing for me, I sing for you.
10:19 That's what I like about you.
10:22 You really know how to dance. Yeah.
10:26 How about that trash can over there? Let's blow that up.
10:29 If this were a cherry bomb, I'd say yes.
10:32 But this is La Bomba.
10:35 Hmm. Nah.
10:50 This is our chance to really make a statement.
10:54 She blinded me with science.
11:15 [Singing]
11:17 She blinded me with science.
11:20 Pretty good job, Con.
11:22 I've never heard that song with only one note before.
11:26 Yeah, it all about rhythm.
11:28 Bartender, two cervezas, por favor.
11:44 These are all authentic, locally crafted masks.
11:48 In our culture, they have deep social and religious importance.
11:52 Yeah, that's nice. Have you got pears?
11:55 Right. You're here for the papier-mâché pear.
11:58 Uh-huh.
11:59 Well, the pears are not sold separately.
12:02 Oh, it's perfect.
12:05 Oh, muchos, muchos gracias.
12:08 I'm not even going to haggle. I have to pay for the frog, right?
12:11 Yes. Of course.
12:12 It is so beautiful. I really, I don't know how I can thank you.
12:16 Señora, I have a friend just across the border, and I don't trust the mail.
12:21 The address is on the box. Would you deliver it for me?
12:24 Well, that would be my pleasure, amigo.
12:26 Gracias, señora.
12:27 Oh, my, it's wrapped prettily, isn't it?
12:30 I wonder what is in it.
12:32 I'll tell you what's in there.
12:34 Cocaine, black tar, PCP, you name it.
12:37 Icy 2020 special all about this.
12:39 You're a mule, Peggy Hill.
12:41 Yes.
12:42 Hank? Hank Hill? Is that you?
12:51 Dale? What are you doing here?
12:54 I was just out for a drive. Thought this place might have clean facilities.
12:59 Talk about a coincidence.
13:01 It's a nine-hour drive, Dale.
13:04 Is it? I guess I better stay, then.
13:08 I think it's a dud.
13:10 Yeah. Let's give him 15 more minutes.
13:14 Hey, you, you skinny gringo. I don't know you. Are you a guest?
13:25 I'm staying with the Hillbillies.
13:27 I'm staying with the Hillbillies.
13:29 I'm staying with the Hillbillies.
13:31 I'm staying with the Hillbillies.
13:33 I'm staying with the Hillbillies.
13:35 Are you a guest?
13:36 I'm staying with the Hills in 5B.
13:39 5B? Upstairs?
13:42 Damn, turistas, you try to rip me up, it'll be the last time you...
13:46 Somebody missed his siesta.
13:49 Boy, now I know why they call it beach volleyball.
14:04 Volleyball is really fun.
14:07 Bobby, come here. Honey, do you think I'm naive?
14:11 No.
14:12 Am I just a fool who believes whatever I am told?
14:15 I'm sorry.
14:17 Why on earth did I trust that man?
14:19 There could be anything in this package. Anything.
14:23 I am so estupido.
14:25 Ugh.
14:27 Hmm. They had to kill ten turtles to fill one little jar.
14:32 Neat.
14:34 Oh, my God, it's the police!
14:40 They know I tried to blow up one of their monuments.
14:43 No, no, they think I'm a makeup smuggler.
14:46 Get out of my way.
14:48 We all have to put on lots of makeup.
14:54 This tastes like turtles.
14:58 What in the heck is going on?
15:00 I'm never here.
15:02 Peggy Hill is nobody's mule.
15:05 A prayer?
15:08 Come on out here, everyone. Come on, get out here.
15:12 We have nothing to hide.
15:18 Ah!
15:20 You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.
15:26 But if the key fit, you must acquit.
15:28 10,000 pesos.
15:30 Bailiff, confiscate their identification.
15:33 Look, let's just pay the money and go home.
15:38 My money's not fluid. It takes weeks to raise funds.
15:41 You pay, I owe you.
15:42 I can't cover it.
15:44 If I could just get back to Arlen, I could have them garnish my wages.
15:48 But we can't leave the country. They took our ID.
15:51 Are you kidding? We won't have any trouble driving right through that checkpoint.
15:55 They'll just wave us through, pretty as you please.
15:58 Really?
15:59 Well, Hank and me, 'cause we're angloid.
16:02 You, they'll haul out and give the third degree.
16:05 Maybe it'll be safer if we all split up.
16:08 Dale, you come with me. Con, you're on your own.
16:11 Peggy Hill, you can't leave me.
16:13 We Americans, Hank. No line on our bill, remember?
16:16 And we should set those mariachis running.
16:19 Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!
16:21 Help me, Hank.
16:24 Bye-bye.
16:25 You all get going now.
16:27 Dale Con and I'll be along after we, uh, clear up that little misunderstanding.
16:33 I don't think it's such a good idea.
16:43 Yeah, well, here's another idea.
16:45 We go on without you.
16:47 Okay, all right. I get in.
16:52 (Humming)
16:54 Poetry in Morgestrumpf.
16:56 (Humming)
16:58 Pothole.
16:59 (Humming)
17:01 Ha ha ha ha ha!
17:02 Now just follow my lead and play it cool.
17:06 What if they find Con?
17:08 If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.
17:19 Distilled water?
17:20 Ha ha ha ha! No.
17:22 And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper and privacy.
17:27 Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.
17:31 Then let me do the talking.
17:34 Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?
17:40 Arlen, Texas.
17:42 I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
17:46 Run!
17:48 (Screaming)
17:50 (Grunting)
17:52 (Screaming)
17:54 (Grunting)
17:56 (Groaning)
17:58 (Groaning)
18:00 (Music)
18:02 I think we lost them. We'll be okay.
18:13 Okay. We're screwed.
18:16 No. We're American. We gotta find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.
18:23 Why you wanna call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can't do no big deal.
18:31 Illegally? No. America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.
18:40 We have no choice, Hank. The INS had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail.
18:51 (Music)
18:53 Uh, excuse me. What did it cost you to rent those mopeds?
19:05 Uh, actually we own these, but we are looking to sell them.
19:10 Well, maybe we can help each other out. Only thing is, we're a little short on cash.
19:16 That watch belonged to my grandfather.
19:21 That was my only pair of butt and fly jeans.
19:25 Hey, what... what happened to our mopeds?
19:29 (Music)
19:34 Hey, look at me. Yeah, look at me. Somebody look at me.
19:42 (Screaming)
19:44 Did you see?
19:48 Yeah, Dale. You looked really cool. For your next trick, why don't I kick your ass? Get on the back, Con. Dale, you're lucky Pierre.
19:57 Oh, man.
20:00 (Motor)
20:02 Ah, it'd be faster if we walk.
20:08 Ow! Did you see? Did you see?
20:12 (Music)
20:25 Uh, have we just been captured?
20:29 (Music)
20:35 (Music)
20:37 Ah!
21:03 Wait, Hank. I... I can't swim.
21:07 Of course you can't.
21:10 Ah, look at the mighty river. So much beauty. So much power. Humbles a man, huh, Hank?
21:24 Are you good friend, Hank? And friendship based on a truth. I broke into Top Kondo on purpose. And I'm sorry.
21:32 What? Damn you, Con. This whole thing is your fault.
21:38 (Screaming)
21:40 I thought you said you couldn't swim.
21:47 Yeah, I beat that liar.
21:52 Oh, this river is filthy. Look at this. Underwear floating around.
21:57 Uh, Hank, a little help here.
22:01 He won't last two days in the U.S.
22:05 America. Texas. Home.
22:17 Look how easy it is to get into this country.
22:20 Oh, I can't believe I had to learn a Bill of Rights. When am I gonna use that?
22:25 You'd be surprised, Con. I take the fifth on a daily basis.
22:30 (Screaming)
22:33 (Grunting)
22:51 Hurry up, Hank. The border guards are coming.
22:54 You gotta give me a hand. Dale?
23:00 Dale, Dale, wait. I can't do it alone.
23:04 Pippa, take my hand.
23:07 Welcome to the land of opportunity, Hank.
23:28 Yep.
23:30 Mm-hmm.
23:32 Yep.
23:34 Yep.
23:35 You know what's funny? This time I own Texas soil first.
23:39 Ha! He's an immigrant. I smuggle him in.
23:43 Very funny, Con.
23:45 Hey, I live next door to an alien. My property is worth nothing now.
23:48 Ha, ha.
23:50 You get in the baby way. I had to memorize all presidents.
23:54 You couldn't do it. That stretch between poke and a buccano wipe you out.
23:59 You ever hear of Garfield? He more than a cartoon cat, you know.
24:03 He part of history of my country.
24:07 (Birds chirping)
24:10 (Birds chirping)
24:13 (Music)
24:19 (Birds chirping)
24:38 (Birds chirping)
24:41 Vaya con Dios.