King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 2 Square Peg
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00:00 Luke.
00:02 [Music]
00:31 [Music]
00:37 Hmm.
00:39 [Music]
00:44 Peggy?
00:45 I'm in my office.
00:47 Peggy? Uh, Peggy, I've got a situation here.
00:52 [Footsteps]
00:55 Oh, Hank, is it your back again?
00:57 Ugh.
00:58 Why won't you wear that weightlifting belt I got you for Christmas?
01:01 It's not a belt, it's a girdle.
01:03 Ugh.
01:04 Well, take off your shirt. I'll get the icy hot.
01:06 [Footsteps]
01:10 Ooh, ah, icy, icy, ah, hot, ah, hot.
01:16 Ugh.
01:17 Alright.
01:18 Ugh.
01:19 Okay.
01:20 Hey.
01:21 Peggy, not in front of the B.O.Y.
01:24 I need both of you to sign this permission slip.
01:27 Alrighty.
01:28 What's it for, son?
01:30 Contact football?
01:32 No, you're not old enough for that.
01:34 Ringworm test?
01:36 What?
01:37 Sexual education?
01:39 Where'd you get this?
01:40 I told you, at school.
01:42 Oh, I thought we didn't have to worry about this until ninth grade health class.
01:45 Nuh-uh.
01:46 Principal wants to teach us a unit from some course they made up in Washington, D.C.
01:51 Washington?
01:52 Bobby, go to your room.
01:57 Well, what are we gonna do?
01:59 Here's the first thing I'm gonna do, I'll tell you what.
02:02 There.
02:04 No need for Bobby to get all bothered up learning about sex when he can't do a damn thing about it anyway at his age.
02:11 And with his features.
02:14 Besides, it is not up to the United States government to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.
02:19 That's his parents' job.
02:21 I agree.
02:22 If anybody should teach our boy about that, it should be his parents.
02:28 Something like that should, uh, be taught in the home.
02:31 Uh-huh. Where he lives.
02:33 Absolutely.
02:35 Yes, sirree.
02:37 Well, you're the expert substitute teacher of the year 1996, as I recall.
02:47 Oh, Hank, I'm also a decent woman.
02:51 I got my back out here, Peg.
02:55 Bobby?
03:03 Bobby, honey?
03:06 Um...
03:08 What do you know about sexual relations?
03:12 I don't know. Nothing much.
03:16 I'm a little worried about being a slut.
03:19 Uh-huh.
03:21 Well, Bobby, your father and I decided that as your parents, that you and I should have a little talk on the subject.
03:31 You have noticed, I am sure, that there are some pretty big differences between boys and girls.
03:40 I'm sure you know that.
03:43 I mean, physically, boys are... they're different.
03:48 They have something that girls do not have.
03:52 Yeah?
03:54 You know, some... thing.
03:58 You mean a penis?
04:01 I didn't take sex ed in school.
04:10 Come on, Boomhauer, if you're gonna prune, prune.
04:13 The army taught me everything.
04:15 And in four different languages, too.
04:17 Want to know how to get a bar girl in the Philippines?
04:20 The point is, there's no way my son is learning the how-to's of romance from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook.
04:28 Sumeho.
04:30 Or something like that.
04:32 And, Dale, I'd say the same applies to your Joseph.
04:35 I'd tear that permission slip up if I were you.
04:38 I'd do that and then some.
04:40 This sex ed stuff goes higher than the schools.
04:43 It's that same old Club-a-roam-zero-population-bull-dink that the UN's been trying for years.
04:50 I tell you what, man, the branch fix, it's gonna be...
04:55 Get your heads up!
04:57 They want to whittle us down so we can't keep a standing army.
05:01 That's when the Chinese will come marching in.
05:05 All I'm saying is keep the government out of the bedroom business.
05:10 Teaching my boy the facts of life is my job.
05:13 You got that right.
05:16 I think I couldn't get the words out.
05:18 Oh, gee, you didn't send her in to do a man's job, did you?
05:22 Uh, well...
05:24 Maybe you should let Boom Howard teach him what he knows.
05:27 Yeah, man, I tell you what, he tell them about them dang old condom dispenser with them...
05:31 He put a little 50 cents in there and he'd try to hit that corner, turn his bang on that thing...
05:35 And just talk about her needs.
05:38 Oh, no, that's all right.
05:41 I guess I'll do it.
05:43 My daddy told me the facts of life when I was Bobby's age and I turned out okay.
05:49 Yee-haw!
05:53 Hey, what you crying for, boy?
05:55 It's a good show. This is a damn good show.
05:58 Yeah.
06:00 That's also how he taught me about paying taxes.
06:03 Well, there used to be a dairy farm out here somewhere.
06:09 Oh, there we go.
06:11 Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.
06:17 Brought his son over to learn the facts of life.
06:20 Well, he sure came to the right place.
06:22 We call this machine the Matchmaker 500.
06:27 Now, Bobby, you're coming to a time in your life when you're going to start to have tender feelings for a girl.
06:36 You're going to need to know what those feelings mean and what to do about them.
06:42 [Baby crying]
06:45 Oh, my God!
06:47 Where's the other half of that dang permission slip?
06:50 I'm sure they will do a good job at school.
06:52 The health teacher is a trained professional.
06:55 Uh-huh. Keep digging.
06:57 Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore about that sex ed stuff.
07:04 What do you mean?
07:06 All you gotta know is I took care of it with one little phone call.
07:11 Heh-heh.
07:13 Hmm.
07:15 Hey, peg-leg.
07:17 That was Bobby's principal.
07:19 Some right-wing maniac just called the health teacher with a death threat and she quit.
07:24 Oh, well, I'm sure it was just some harmless nutcase.
07:28 Damn, thank you, dog.
07:30 [Sneezes]
07:31 Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that sex ed course, we can put all this ugliness back in the closet.
07:39 Oh, no, Hank, they found someone.
07:41 They found the substitute teacher of the year.
07:45 Uh, 1995?
07:48 1996.
07:50 [Sighs]
07:53 [Guitar music]
07:55 Oh, my. Oh, Lord.
07:58 Oh, for goodness sake.
08:01 This beauty school homework is hard, Aunt Peggy.
08:06 Aunt Peggy?
08:08 Huh?
08:09 Oh, I'm sorry, Lou Anne. I was not paying attention.
08:13 Listen to this chapter title.
08:15 "The 14 Stages of Arousal."
08:18 And then you turn the page and...
08:20 Oh, my goodness. Is that "See Everett Coop"?
08:24 That must be an old book, 'cause now there's 18 stages.
08:28 Oh, my. How am I gonna say these words out loud in front of a class?
08:33 Let me see.
08:35 "Self-exploration is a perfectly natural exercise throughout pubescence."
08:41 What's so hard about that?
08:42 Lou Anne, honey, tell me, what is it like to live without shame of any kind?
08:48 Is it a good feeling?
08:51 Yeah, it is.
08:54 Well, I guess I am a little jealous.
08:56 Things were very different when I was a girl.
08:59 Honey, you're at that special time of life,
09:03 the time when a little girl becomes a woman,
09:07 and you start getting a monthly visitor.
09:10 Who? Uncle Joe?
09:14 My mother gave me this, and I'm passing it on to you.
09:19 "The Loveliness of Woman."
09:23 There's nothing in here but pictures of flowers.
09:27 I never even kissed a boy until I was 20.
09:31 Of course, he's dead now.
09:34 Ooh, look, here's a chapter on communicating your needs to your love partner.
09:39 What kind of filth are you reading?
09:42 It's Aunt Peggy's sex handbook.
09:44 Say what? Let me take a look at that.
09:47 What in the hell?
09:49 That is the inside of a womb, a woman's womb.
09:54 My boy is not going to look at the inside of a womb.
09:57 He's only been out of yours for 11 years.
10:00 I think I need some water.
10:02 You want my Chandler or my Ross?
10:05 Can't I shoot him full of BBs?
10:08 Okay.
10:09 Then Ross.
10:12 You sure you don't want him?
10:14 Uh-huh. I'm not going to need my toys anymore.
10:17 After I learn sex ed, I'll be too busy dating.
10:21 Who?
10:22 I don't know.
10:24 Whoever wants to have sex with me.
10:28 Well, what do you think? A few more inches?
10:31 Might as well. It's going to keep growing.
10:33 Well, so much for my phone call.
10:36 What are you talking about?
10:37 I found some other defraved harlot to teach that sex ed class.
10:41 Uh, Dale?
10:42 Don't worry, Hank.
10:43 I know people who can take care of this woman, if you know what I mean.
10:47 That woman is my wife.
10:49 I thought Peggy was your wife.
10:51 Dale, I think he's saying Peggy's the new sex teacher.
11:04 Yeah? What?
11:05 Nothing. I wasn't saying nothing.
11:07 Nothing at all, Hank.
11:08 Yeah, but nothing wrong with a little sexual education.
11:11 No, sir. I bet Peggy will be introducing some new ideas into the bedroom.
11:17 Dale!
11:18 I'm just saying a woman who knows is the toughest customer.
11:21 Maybe you ought to hit the books, too.
11:24 What the hell is wrong with you all?
11:26 What? Nothing, Hank. Just think.
11:28 You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex.
11:33 Now, I've never been with a woman like that.
11:36 Except, of course, a bar girl.
11:40 Of course, I don't mean that Peggy's a bar girl or nothing like that.
11:46 She just knows, you know, what a bar girl knows.
11:55 You know, there's a funny thing happening down at school.
11:58 They want me to teach this sex ed stuff to our kids' class, you know.
12:02 But I just don't know if I can overcome the crippling sense of shame that I got from my mother.
12:08 Phew! Well, we knew you wouldn't.
12:10 Yeah, I've been telling people Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers that puts all that intellectual hooey above common decency.
12:19 Mm-hmm. Well, sometimes a little intellectual hooey is a good thing.
12:25 Look, we all grew up not knowing the real words for your dinky and your woohoo, and we turned out fine.
12:31 I learned about sex from my mother.
12:33 She gave me that wonderful book, The Loveliness of Woman.
12:37 That book is worthless.
12:39 Well, I got a lot out of it.
12:40 When my husband would crawl all over me at night and do his business,
12:44 well, I would just close my eyes and think of them pretty flowers.
12:48 Oh, Bonnie, you poor, poor woman.
12:53 Hey, Bobby, your mom's going to teach sex ed.
12:57 Yeah, I know.
13:00 We're going to get to see her boobs.
13:04 So?
13:05 Bobby, you're up.
13:10 Your dad lost his job.
13:14 Run, Bobby, run! Run, run! Come on, run!
13:18 Don't stop at first, my son! Go all the way, Bobby! Go all the way, honey!
13:23 Yeah, yeah, go all the way, you perv!
13:26 [phone ringing]
13:33 Hello?
13:34 You don't know who I am, but I know where you live,
13:38 and if you teach that sex ed class, so help me out.
13:42 Dale? Is that you?
13:44 Oh, hey, can I speak with Peggy?
13:48 Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
13:52 Yellow Dale.
13:53 You don't know who I am, but I know where you live.
13:59 Boy, you should have heard Bonnie today.
14:01 That woman has got one awful love life.
14:04 Uh-huh.
14:06 Oh, my God.
14:09 Hi, honey.
14:10 Would you like to rub some pretty feet and hands on my back?
14:14 Uh, isn't that just for your feet and hands?
14:17 Well, mainly. But you could use it everywhere.
14:20 I'll pass.
14:22 How about if I put a little on your elbows?
14:25 It'll moisturize and exfoliate.
14:27 My elbows are fine. You never complained about 'em before.
14:31 It's just that it's so nice and cooling. It makes your elbows smooth.
14:36 What? Where in the hell are my elbows gonna be that they need to be smooth?
14:41 Well, honey, I just thought it would be nice, you know, for later, for us to be all smooth.
14:46 I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but I'll pass.
14:51 Look, Hank Hill, I did not ask to teach this class, but I am a substitute teacher.
14:57 That means I have to be prepared to go wherever they need teachers most,
15:01 at any hour of the day or night, and teach anything from gym to home ec.
15:07 I took a note, darn it. Excuse me.
15:10 And if I start to pick and choose, the whole system just breaks down.
15:14 Yeah, well, you weren't too proud to pick and choose when you had those Randy Travis tickets.
15:20 Oh, no, those poor little kids never did get to make their clay ashtrays.
15:25 Well, they're damn sure gonna know the 18 stages of arousal, 'cause Peggy Hill is gonna teach that class.
15:33 This is a diagram of a woman's v...
15:42 v...
15:44 v...
15:46 Come on, Aunt Peggy, you can do it.
15:49 A woman's v...
15:51 This is a man's p...
15:59 Hey.
16:00 Well, what do you think?
16:22 Mm-hmm, nice and clean, but I think old Sigmund Freud might have a thing or two to say about it.
16:29 What? Oh, no!
16:31 Happiness.
16:35 Ha... penis.
16:37 Ha... pee... ness.
16:41 Ha... penis.
16:43 Penis.
16:47 I did it.
16:50 Ovaries.
16:52 Uvula.
16:54 Uterus.
16:56 V... vagina!
16:59 Hey, Hank, I just said...
17:03 I heard you. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing.
17:06 It's not cussing, Hank, to say the name of a God-given body part.
17:09 Well, it is if it's a part of the body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment.
17:14 You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.
17:18 Well, Bobby ought to know about 'em.
17:20 We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.
17:23 Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.
17:26 My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap.
17:29 It says right here he can't take the class without permission of both his parents.
17:34 Now, just hold on.
17:36 Are you saying I am not good enough to teach my own son?
17:39 If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve.
17:44 Permission denied.
17:47 This damn strapping tape!
17:50 Come on, Bobby. You're coming to work with me.
18:02 Oh, my!
18:14 [Hank grunts]
18:15 Uh, no, Mr. Hudson, we don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons.
18:27 Well, yeah, it is a gas, but it's in a liquid state.
18:32 Well, okay, but you might want to blow out those candles.
18:37 Look, I'm gonna have to call you back.
18:39 Bobby, hey, that's my work. Now, just sit still, okay?
18:43 What do you think Mom's telling all those guys?
18:48 I don't know. I don't want to know. Just try not to think about it.
18:53 Okay.
18:54 What do you think Mom's saying to 'em?
18:59 I said not to think about it. Think about something else.
19:04 Okay.
19:08 Do you ever have sex anymore?
19:11 Uh...
19:12 Well, uh...
19:16 Come on, Bobby, can't you think of something pleasant?
19:19 What do you think Mom's telling all those guys?
19:26 [indistinct chatter]
19:28 Good morning, class.
19:39 Today we're gonna discuss the subject of human relations, otherwise known as...
19:45 ...human relations.
19:49 I am your substitute teacher. My name is Peggy Hill.
19:54 Okey-dokey. Any questions so far?
19:58 Dad?
20:01 What?
20:02 I just wanted to say you don't have to worry about me 'cause I'm never gonna have sex.
20:08 Oh, Bobby, now don't say that.
20:10 I thought that's what you wanted.
20:13 Well, yes, if you were my daughter, but you're my son.
20:17 Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boys?
20:23 It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it.
20:26 We got the long end of the stick on that one.
20:29 I see. That's why Mom's bad for talking about sex.
20:34 Bobby, look, just because your Mom's been using those words doesn't mean she's bad.
20:41 She's just trying to do her job. Give the kids the proper names for things.
20:47 Imagine how hard that is for your mother, trying to teach a room full of snickerin' fifth graders
20:54 the difference between a boy and a girl's, uh, you know, hookups.
20:59 That woman's got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what.
21:04 That's Mrs. Peggy Hill.
21:09 H-I-L-L.
21:14 You can call me Mrs. Hill. You can call me Peggy, or Peggy Hill.
21:19 Okay. Come on, Peggy Hill, you can do this.
21:25 Okay. Today's subject...
21:30 Just have a seat. I'm sure your teacher can tell you everything you need to know.
21:38 She was, uh, substitute teacher of the year 1996, I understand.
21:44 All right, class, let's do it.
21:50 Today I'm gonna teach you sex ed.
21:52 It's difficult subject matter, but if we approach it with common sense,
21:57 I believe we might learn something that could enrich our lives.
22:01 But before we begin, please bring your permission slips up to my desk.
22:05 And those of you whose parents did not give you permission to learn with me,
22:08 well, you can read for an hour in the school library.
22:11 Sorry, Peggy Hill.
22:14 Looks like it's just you and me, Mom.
22:20 Okay, son.
22:22 Well, let's begin with the difference between boys and girls.
22:28 You mean the penis?
22:30 Yes, the penis.
22:34 Hello? Bobby? Luann?
22:40 Oh, is anybody home?
22:42 Where is everybody?
22:44 Uh, I sent the kids off to see a double feature.
22:48 May I have this dance?
22:56 Hmm. Smooth elbows, Peg.
23:01 I seem to recall you kind of like being dipped.
23:04 Oh, Hank, watch your back.
23:07 Good as ever.
23:09 Oh!
23:12 Are you okay?
23:15 Uh-huh.
23:16 Well, as long as we're down here.
23:20 Hank.
23:29 Hello. You have reached the Hill residence.
23:32 Please leave a message at the tone.
23:35 You don't know who I am, but I know where you live, sex-ed teacher.
23:42 And you better cut it out if you know what's good for you.
23:47 Oh, and, uh, Hank, we changed that tee-off time to three o'clock.
23:52 See ya.
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