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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:10 (upbeat music)
00:15 (upbeat music)
00:19 (bell ringing)
00:23 (upbeat music)
00:31 (upbeat music)
00:35 - I'm running behind for my booster club meeting.
00:37 Now I'll probably have to sit at the wobbly table.
00:40 - Yellow.
00:44 Well, substitute teacher of the year, Peggy Hill.
00:47 Go on.
00:48 - The high school?
00:51 Teaching?
00:52 Me?
00:53 Wait, who is this really?
00:55 Really?
00:56 Today?
00:58 Yes, of course.
00:59 Oh no, no, thank you.
01:02 Guess who is subbing for high school geometry teacher,
01:05 Tammy Charbonneau, while she takes an eight week
01:07 doctor ordered bed rest maternity leave?
01:09 Me, Peggy Hill.
01:10 - That was going to be my guess exactly.
01:13 - This is the major leagues, Hank.
01:16 The bigs.
01:17 The show.
01:19 Oh my God.
01:20 Eight weeks, do you know what this means?
01:22 It means that I have a pretty good chance
01:24 of actually learning their names.
01:25 - Everything's happening so fast.
01:29 (gentle music)
01:31 - It's beautiful, isn't it?
01:41 - Tammy Charbonneau.
01:49 Peggy Hill.
01:56 - Excuse me, Sonora Miriam Kaney?
01:59 - Melamo Peggy Hill.
02:01 I have followed your career with such interest.
02:04 17 years teaching high school Espanol.
02:07 You have never once gotten sick,
02:09 or if you have gotten sick, you have never called in sick.
02:11 Either way, I am subbing geometry.
02:14 - Well, bienvenido, say Arlen High.
02:17 - My, what lovely spectacles.
02:20 - The better to see promising new talent with.
02:23 (laughing)
02:26 - Number 33, David Kala'i, the clan of wine.
02:34 He says aloha to the end zone
02:38 and aloha to the temple tigers.
02:42 It means both hello and goodbye.
02:44 My wife is Polynesian.
02:48 Arlen High is unstoppable.
02:51 (cheering)
02:53 - First order of Booster Club business.
02:59 How's the programs coming for next week's games, Terrell?
03:03 (clears throat)
03:04 - As you all know, the money from the programs
03:08 helped pay for the cheerleader shoes.
03:10 Every business owner here has taken out ad space
03:14 in this week's program except Dale Gribble
03:18 of Dale's Dead Bug.
03:20 (crunching)
03:22 - My secretary messed up again?
03:28 She is so fired.
03:30 (upbeat music)
03:34 - And the man walked around the world and said to the king,
03:43 sir, I come from France.
03:47 Sir, come for rants.
03:50 You see?
03:50 - Hey, dude.
03:56 - And you must be David Kala'i Kiala'i.
04:01 - Yep, I guess you might've heard of me.
04:04 Hey, how's it going?
04:05 - Well, yes, you were the person who did not answer present
04:09 when I took roll 28 minutes ago.
04:11 Okay, I see from Ms. Charbonneau's notes
04:14 that you all have some homework due.
04:16 So I'll start with you, David.
04:19 - I didn't do it.
04:22 I'll just, I'll take a C or a B or whatever.
04:26 I am not gonna tell you how to do your job.
04:29 - Peggy, hurry up and sit down
04:40 before the PE coaches get here.
04:42 It gets in your clothes.
04:44 So how's your day going?
04:46 - Glorious.
04:47 Although, can I ask you if you know a student
04:50 named David Kala'i Kiala'i?
04:52 - The flying Hawaiian?
04:53 He runs 40 in 4.5.
04:56 - Yes.
04:56 Anyway, I checked David's records
04:59 and he has a B plus average overall,
05:02 but he seems to have trouble applying himself in geometry.
05:06 - Marlon Atwater, assistant driver's ed/health.
05:10 Peggy, David is our star fullback.
05:12 He doesn't have a lot of time to study,
05:14 so we cut him some slack.
05:17 At Tom Landry Middle School,
05:18 we would never think of extending
05:20 special privileges to the athletes.
05:22 - Peggy, this isn't middle school.
05:24 This is real life.
05:25 We've got college football scouts at our games
05:28 and they're not coming to watch David draw a triangle.
05:31 (laughs)
05:32 - Oh, don't worry, Peggy.
05:34 David Kala'i Kiala'i is unteachable anyway.
05:38 - Unteachable?
05:39 - I spent six weeks in health
05:41 trying to get him to brush up and down.
05:43 He's like a wall.
05:46 (gentle music)
05:48 And he continued to sleep peacefully.
05:51 It was pure chaos.
05:52 - Well, how about that?
05:54 Your first day on campus
05:55 and you already met David Kala'i Kiala'i.
05:58 - Ah, he's a flying Hawaiian!
06:01 (laughs)
06:02 Mm, if I were two years younger.
06:06 - Well, first, he is your age.
06:08 And second, David is considered a special case.
06:12 They call him unteachable.
06:14 - Well, he can't be good at everything.
06:17 - Well, you'd be surprised, Bobby.
06:19 He plays offense, defense, and returns punts.
06:24 - Well, it looks like Luann
06:25 isn't the only one with a crush on David.
06:28 But you know what?
06:29 He's just another student to me.
06:31 No different from the nerds or the suck-ups.
06:34 And I have decided to give that boy
06:37 the high school education he deserves.
06:39 (gentle music)
06:41 - So, it may only be a theory,
06:44 but it will in fact be on next week's midterm.
06:47 You get it?
06:48 (laughs)
06:50 Oh, oh wait, David.
06:52 Honey, can you spare a moment?
06:54 I wanted to talk to you about your classwork.
06:58 I have noticed that you have a zero grade.
07:01 You have no homework points and no participation points.
07:05 - Uh-huh.
07:09 - I would like to tutor you after class.
07:12 - I have football practice after class.
07:15 - Oh.
07:16 How about geometry practice after that
07:20 with a playbook by Coach Peggy Hill?
07:22 - Um, okay.
07:25 - Oh, and David, I'm glad we got to rap.
07:31 (gentle music)
07:34 (pages flipping)
07:37 (children chattering)
07:50 - Yoo-hoo, David.
07:54 David.
07:56 David.
07:59 David.
08:02 David.
08:04 David.
08:04 - Huh?
08:05 - David.
08:06 David, you forgot your notes.
08:11 - Hey, you know, you run fast.
08:13 (tires screeching)
08:18 (screams)
08:29 - Okay, please hand in your midterm.
08:33 David, I just wanna say that it has been
08:36 a pleasure educating you.
08:37 I think I have learned just as much from you
08:40 as you have from me.
08:42 Well.
08:46 - Okay.
08:48 (gentle music)
08:55 - Uh, okay, quarter inch to the left
09:01 and eighth inch back to the right.
09:04 No, no, an eighth.
09:05 - Hank, we just lost our star fullback.
09:08 - What?
09:09 What happened?
09:10 - Peggy Hill happened.
09:12 - No pass, no play.
09:13 She flunked David.
09:15 Now he's out for three weeks academic suspension.
09:18 Do you know what happens in those three weeks?
09:20 San Marcos, Belton, McMeanaberry.
09:22 McMeanaberry, Hank.
09:24 - Now hold on.
09:26 I'm sure it was just an accident.
09:28 - No, Hank.
09:29 This is an accident.
09:31 - Now you got two messes to clean up.
09:38 (gentle music)
09:56 - How could you flunk the flying Hawaiian?
09:59 Haven't you ever heard of no pass, no play?
10:02 - Do not try to pin all of this on me.
10:05 I only did the no pass.
10:07 What happens after that is none of my business.
10:10 - I want you to change his grade.
10:13 - If I were to give David a passing grade,
10:15 that would be a failure on my part.
10:18 And I am not failing.
10:21 I am doing a work.
10:23 - This is crunch time.
10:25 We're going up against San Marcos,
10:27 Belton and McMeanaberry.
10:29 McMeanaberry, we need him to go to state.
10:32 - Well, I am sorry, Hank,
10:34 but teaching high school is my going to state.
10:38 - Uh, no offense, Peggy,
10:40 but I don't see anybody renting buses to go to your state.
10:45 (upbeat music)
10:47 - Hey guys.
10:54 You know the strangest thing happened today?
10:56 A giant rat crawled into my inbox and died.
11:00 (laughs)
11:02 What happened to your friends?
11:08 - They suddenly went out of style.
11:10 - This is about David, isn't it?
11:12 David did failing work.
11:16 He got a failing grade.
11:18 Of all people, I would expect my fellow educators
11:21 to support me.
11:22 - You want to change the world?
11:24 Go back to middle school.
11:25 It's too late here.
11:27 (upbeat music)
11:30 - And a third bumble from senior Charlie Macon,
11:36 who was named Arlen Scholar Athlete of the Year.
11:39 He's all yours, Princeton.
11:41 (upbeat music)
11:44 - All right, we can absorb this loss.
11:48 And it wasn't a conference game.
11:51 And we'll probably squeak by next week
11:53 'cause Belton's still reeling from the drug bust.
11:56 And then it's McManeberry,
11:58 and there's not a single addict
12:00 on that mother-loving team.
12:02 - Digby, there's got to be something
12:05 in those law books of yours.
12:07 Look under loophole.
12:09 - What if we got him a work study
12:10 like I had at the print shop my junior year?
12:13 - Yeah.
12:14 David drops Mrs. Hill's class,
12:16 takes a work study at Terrell's print shop.
12:19 - Hey, look, I got Billy breathing down my neck as it is.
12:22 I don't need another punk in there making me look bad.
12:25 - I volunteer strictly propane
12:27 to jump through this little loophole.
12:29 Now, David can work for me
12:31 till the swallows get back from Capistramy.
12:34 Hank, can you slap together a makeup midterm?
12:38 - I'll do it quickly, but it won't be slapped together.
12:41 And the vaporization rate of a hundred pound propane cylinder
12:47 at 70 degrees Fahrenheit is how many BTUs per hour?
12:53 (birds chirping)
12:55 - Can I have a chair?
12:56 - Propane 101?
13:00 - Yeah, it's a work study thing
13:03 approved by the Board of Education.
13:06 - So you and your waffle boys
13:07 did an end run around Peggy Hill.
13:10 - Peggy, years from now,
13:12 no one will remember what a hexagon is,
13:15 but you win state and,
13:17 well, that goes up on the water tower.
13:20 - Uh-huh, and how is David doing?
13:24 - Oh, David's doing great.
13:25 He knows more about propane than any Hawaiian I've ever met.
13:32 - He does?
13:35 Oh, what was I thinking?
13:38 I am in over my head.
13:41 What made me think that I could teach high school?
13:45 I so want it to be like Welcome Back, Cotter.
13:48 Now I'm like the real Gabe Kaplan.
13:51 I am a loser.
13:52 - Okay, the test is gonna be one essay question,
13:59 open Serviceman's Manual.
14:01 Just tell me what you love most about propane.
14:05 (upbeat music)
14:10 (pen scratching)
14:13 - Ooh, nice handoff.
14:22 Just like the one you did three weeks ago in the game.
14:28 All right, let's see what we got here.
14:33 Okay, Strickland Propene
14:39 does not have a vending machine.
14:42 It smells, and I thank God every day I get home
14:47 that I didn't get exploded.
14:50 The end.
14:52 (dramatic music)
14:59 (glass shattering)
15:02 May God have mercy on me.
15:15 (gentle music)
15:23 (glass shattering)
15:26 - David passed, didn't he?
15:35 - Oh yeah, yeah, I guess he did pass.
15:39 I gave him an A.
15:40 - So coupled with my F,
15:44 your A brings him to a respectable passing C.
15:47 Well, good for you.
15:50 Good for David.
15:51 Good for Arlen football.
15:54 Everybody's a winner.
15:56 - Yeah, though the principal kinda threw out your F,
16:01 so right now he's on honor roll.
16:04 (laughing)
16:07 I just wanted you to hear that from me.
16:10 - All I'm saying is you have the tendencies of a Capricorn.
16:16 - Hey, guys. - Hey.
16:18 ♪ For Hank's a jolly good fellow ♪
16:20 ♪ For Hank's a jolly good fellow ♪
16:23 ♪ For Hank's a jolly good fellow ♪
16:26 - Hey, guys, we're going to state.
16:28 - Because he gave David Kalaikiala E and A.
16:32 - All right, all right.
16:34 I will not have a respected educator bend over
16:38 for his own beer.
16:40 - Make Peggy do it.
16:41 She's gotta be good for something.
16:43 - Now, that is not fair, Dale.
16:45 Peggy did the best she could.
16:47 - Which was crappy.
16:49 - So I'm afraid I will have to take
16:53 an emergency medical leave.
16:55 Well, I have diagnosed myself as having the early stages
17:00 of single-digit carpal tunnel syndrome,
17:03 or as I call it, chalk finger.
17:05 - David failed that test.
17:10 His essay made me want to vomit, which I did,
17:14 but I gave him that A to get us to state.
17:18 - Hank Hill, I am speechless.
17:20 I literally have nothing to say.
17:23 Not one word.
17:24 Nada.
17:26 Zilch.
17:27 Zero.
17:30 I don't know what you're waiting for.
17:34 (dramatic music)
17:37 (cheering)
17:39 - Get this beautiful human being some waffles.
17:43 (cheering)
17:46 - Get her out of here.
17:47 - Get her out of here.
17:49 - David Kalaiki-Alii received an A on his propane exam.
17:57 (cheering)
18:00 But he deserved an F.
18:04 (cheering)
18:08 Now, my wife Peggy.
18:13 (cheering)
18:15 Now, now, hold on, hold on.
18:18 Sure, a week ago, I would have been booing my wife
18:21 right along with you guys.
18:23 - You were, Hank?
18:25 - Uh, yeah.
18:28 But what I realized is that she was right all along.
18:33 It's time to ground the flying Hawaiian.
18:36 I'm giving him an F.
18:38 - Uh-uh, too late.
18:39 I already turned in the sign-off sheet and the grade.
18:42 David is in.
18:43 - Sir, did you read that essay?
18:46 - Ah, it's a classic.
18:48 I thank God every day I didn't get exploded.
18:52 Dictate.
18:54 - Excuse me, but I cannot let you ruin that boy's life.
18:59 I think that there might be people
19:01 who would be interested in the fact
19:02 that David is being deprived of an education,
19:05 such as his mother and the school board
19:09 and the secretary of education.
19:11 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, right there.
19:13 Wait a minute, look, look.
19:15 We don't wanna go dragging the boy's mother into this.
19:17 I'm sure we can work something out.
19:20 - Hmm?
19:24 You may keep your creamy bribe.
19:26 We are going to his mother.
19:30 And we are gonna tell on you.
19:32 The Booster Club is cheating David out of an education.
19:38 And what is worse, David is cheating himself.
19:42 I'd like to show you something.
19:44 David is learning disabled.
19:49 He studies every day as soon as he gets home from practice
19:52 until he falls asleep every night.
19:55 I usually come in and find him slumped over his desk
20:00 using that playbook you made him as a pillow.
20:04 He's a good boy.
20:05 He just has trouble retaining anything.
20:08 He deserves an A for effort, though.
20:11 No wonder even I couldn't teach him.
20:13 Sports is all God gave David.
20:16 And it's the only way he'll get to college.
20:18 - Well then, uh, we're sorry to have disturbed you,
20:25 Mrs. Kalaikialii.
20:27 - And the Oscar goes to me!
20:38 (laughs)
20:39 Come on out, fellas.
20:40 (yells)
20:41 We smoked 'em good, bought it hook, line, and sinker.
20:45 Thanks to you, Mrs. K.A.
20:47 - Hey, what's all this crap?
20:51 Where's all my swanks?
20:53 - We kept you in the game, stud.
20:55 - Hey, hey, what's going on?
20:57 I know all my ABCs.
21:01 - Why the hells we're gonna turn you in for flunking?
21:03 We told 'em you were slowpoke.
21:06 - I'm not stupid.
21:08 - I can't believe you did this.
21:11 It's so, so stupid.
21:15 - David, stupid is going to get you to college.
21:18 - I'll tell you what's stupid,
21:21 me giving you that trans-am
21:22 if you ain't gonna drive us to state.
21:24 - Hey, Miss Fell.
21:37 - Oh, no, no, David.
21:39 The pep rally is down the hallway, honey.
21:42 Wait, did you poop yourself?
21:45 - I deserve that.
21:47 I guess if I'd worked harder,
21:49 you guys wouldn't be so willing
21:51 to believe I was learning disabled.
21:53 - You're not?
21:55 But that explained everything.
21:57 - It was all a sham.
21:59 My mom and the booster club cooked it up.
22:02 Wait, sham, that's the right word, right?
22:06 - Yes, but I would have said scheme.
22:08 It conveys more sneakiness.
22:10 - Yeah, well, I've been thinking about this, uh,
22:13 no pass, no play stuff.
22:15 If I don't pass, then I should no play.
22:19 - Really?
22:20 - I probably should have something to fall back on anyway.
22:23 I mean, the odds of me not making pro are what, 50/50?
22:28 So what do you say you teach me geometry before the game?
22:31 - I am so proud of you, David,
22:33 but I could not even teach Albert Einstein
22:36 all of geometry in an afternoon,
22:39 even if it meant that Einstein's team could go to state.
22:42 Wait, wait, maybe there is something
22:49 you can learn in an afternoon.
22:51 - So you see, propane is a liquid,
22:56 but it comes out as a gas.
23:01 - What you need, David, is a way of associating the lesson
23:06 with something that's familiar to you.
23:08 For instance, okay, Gatorade is a liquid,
23:12 but when you dump it on the coach, it's a gas.
23:16 Get it?
23:16 - I get that.
23:17 - Great!
23:18 - But that's not right.
23:20 - And if you want to remember the chemical formula
23:22 for propane, C3H8, maybe you could remember it
23:26 like an audible.
23:28 C3H8, propane, propane, hide!
23:33 - You guys need a ride?
23:43 I'm gonna be smoking on that field,
23:46 but not near a propane tank, because propane is flammable.
23:53 - And here he is, back after a short educational hiatus,
23:58 the flying Hawaiian, David Kalaikiala!
24:01 - Who's stupid now, huh?
24:06 Not David.
24:08 - Yep, not David, Hank.
24:10 Not David at all.
24:12 (dramatic music)
24:14 (dramatic music)
24:17 (upbeat music)
24:24 (upbeat music)
24:27 (upbeat music)
24:29 (upbeat music)
24:32 (upbeat music)
24:39 (bell ringing)
24:46 (upbeat music)