Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 (saw buzzing)
00:02 - Huh, they can make a saw that doesn't cut skin,
00:07 but they can't make a parachute that opens.
00:10 - Can we move this along?
00:12 I have a full day ahead of me.
00:14 Boggle with Nancy at two, softball practice at four,
00:17 and at some point I should probably take a shower.
00:19 - Now Peggy, don't expect to be 100% right away.
00:23 It is likely your muscles have atrophied.
00:26 - Well, what you may not know, Doctor,
00:29 is that every morning since the accident,
00:32 I have been doing isometric butt clenches.
00:37 - No, no, no, thank you, Doctor.
00:38 I will take over from here.
00:40 - Oh!
00:44 (thudding)
00:45 (upbeat music)
00:48 (camera shutter clicking)
00:50 (upbeat music)
00:52, (bell ringing)
00:57 (upbeat music)
01:00 (bell ringing)
01:10 (upbeat music)
01:14 - I missed the last step.
01:24 - This is getting out of script, Bob.
01:26 - Well, what do you know?
01:28 It doesn't smell in here at all.
01:30 (sniffing)
01:31 - Come on, you guys, get some strength.
01:32 - Here you go, Em.
01:33 - There you go.
01:35 (upbeat music)
01:36 - Oh, oh, oh.
01:38 - Oh, come on, Peggy.
01:39 You'll be back on your feet in no time.
01:41 Stop moping.
01:43 - I am not moping.
01:44 I am having trouble supporting my head.
01:47 - Peggy here.
01:48 All right.
01:49 My name's Ramsey.
01:51 I'm your physical therapist,
01:52 and I'm gonna have you walking again in no time.
01:56 - You will?
01:56 - Sure.
01:57 Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
02:00 In a month?
02:01 Way too soon.
02:02 (sighing)
02:04 Don't be so tough on yourself.
02:05 Nobody spends six weeks in the cast
02:07 without their body going a little soft.
02:09 But that's okay.
02:10 Water's soft too.
02:12 But give it time, and it'll carve the Grand Canyon.
02:15 Now, that didn't take a day, a week, or even a month.
02:18 It took over 200 years.
02:20 - The Grand Canyon took millions of years.
02:23 - You gotta learn to trust me, Mrs. Hill.
02:26 We're gonna be working together one hour at a time,
02:28 once a week, for however long it takes
02:30 to carve you a Grand Canyon.
02:32 We're gonna do this drop by drop.
02:34 Are you with me?
02:35 - Well, all right.
02:37 I guess so.
02:38 Okay, let's do it.
02:41 - Great.
02:43 See you next week.
02:43 - Next week?
02:44 - Drop by drop, Mrs. Flores.
02:47 Yeah, you got it.
02:48 - Now, I am moping.
02:52 - No peeking.
02:54 - I'm not peeking.
02:55 - Okay, you can open your eyes.
02:57 - Okay, they're open.
02:59 Luann.
03:01 - Oh, ta-da!
03:02 - Remember the 10 bags of cement you said I'd never use?
03:07 Well, I used one.
03:09 - Oh, a wheelchair ramp.
03:12 Well, I thank you.
03:14 Now I don't have to be trapped in the house, huh?
03:17 I can go anywhere.
03:18 In my wheelchair.
03:20 Thank you.
03:22 - Look, Dad.
03:22 I'm Sophia Loren, huh?
03:24 - Bobby, I'm driving you to school today.
03:30 We need to talk.
03:32 - Oh, I'm late for parenting class.
03:34 Luann, could you give me a ride
03:36 and help me find the baby?
03:38 - I sure am glad you're on that body cast, Peggy.
03:47 - Well, thank you, Bill.
03:49 - What do you suppose they'd do with something like that?
03:51 - Throw it out, I imagine.
03:54 - Huh.
03:54 (humming)
04:01 (gentle music)
04:04 (gagging)
04:13 (yelping)
04:43 - Ain't you gonna eat your waffle, Hank's wife?
04:45 It's right in front of you.
04:47 Reach for it.
04:49 Come on!
04:50 You wouldn't last a day in a Japanese POW camp.
04:54 - Excuse me?
04:55 - Told y'all I had me cooped up in a bamboo rat cage.
04:59 There was nothing to eat except rats.
05:01 So that's what I ate.
05:03 And for two weeks, I was down to my last rat.
05:06 I let him live so I could eat his droppings.
05:08 Called it jungle rice.
05:10 Tasted fine.
05:12 (crunching)
05:15 And by September, I was finally thin enough
05:19 to slip between the bamboo bars of my cage.
05:22 I strangled the guard with a rope
05:24 made of braided rat tails and ran to safety.
05:28 - Oh, thank God.
05:30 Well, that's my ride to rehab.
05:31 - To be continued.
05:33 (upbeat music)
05:37 - I can't.
05:38 - That's okay.
05:39 - I can't.
05:40 - Hop, I drop.
05:41 - I can't.
05:42 - It's all right.
05:42 - Oh!
05:43 - Great set.
05:44 You showed that rubber band who was boss.
05:46 - But you told me to do eight to 12 reps.
05:48 I maybe did a zero to one reps, if you count that last one.
05:53 - Every drop counts, Mrs. Hill.
05:55 You're wearing down the rock.
05:57 And by the way, I checked.
05:59 We were both right.
06:00 It was 200 million years.
06:03 - So, how was rehab?
06:07 - I stretched a rubber band today.
06:10 - Hey, that's great.
06:12 - Oh, who am I kidding?
06:14 That rubber band kicked my ass.
06:16 - Look, I know you're disappointed.
06:18 You just gotta take it one day at a time,
06:21 like the drunks do.
06:23 - Hank, I just wanna go to sleep.
06:25 Fetal position, please.
06:28 (humming)
06:39 - Oh yeah.
06:40 - What?
06:43 - I just, oh, well, Dale, I just get so lonely.
06:48 And we both like playing bottle.
06:51 Of course, she always wins, doesn't she?
06:55 Please don't tell Hank.
06:56 - I want her for the carpool lane.
06:59 (car horn honking)
07:03 - Okay.
07:04 Oh!
07:07 (sighs)
07:09 (laughs)
07:18 - Ever they been teaching you in rehab, Hank's wife?
07:21 - Okay, Cotton, you have had your fun.
07:23 Now, why don't you help me into my chair?
07:26 - Why don't you help yourself?
07:27 - Well, I am trying.
07:29 Don't you think I am trying?
07:30 I can't.
07:31 - Because you're weak.
07:32 You ain't got the guts.
07:34 You don't deserve to walk again.
07:37 - Peggy, help!
07:38 (car horn honking)
07:40 - She'll be right there.
07:42 You wanna waste your time in rehab?
07:45 Get in your chair and go.
07:48 - You sadistic son of a--
07:50 - What are you on your knees for, woman?
07:52 Praying ain't gonna help.
07:54 If God loved you, he'd have opened your sissy chute.
07:58 - You shut up, you--
07:59 (dramatic music)
08:02 (grunts)
08:05 - Oh yeah!
08:06 (dramatic music)
08:08 (car horn honking)
08:14 - Teach me to walk.
08:20 - You ready to hate me more than you ever hated
08:23 anyone in your life?
08:24 - I already do.
08:25 - Then we're halfway there.
08:26 (growls)
08:28 Don't you wipe on me.
08:34 Don't look away.
08:35 Sitting there all high and mighty in your wheelchair
08:39 like you're some Franklin D. Eleanor Roosevelt.
08:43 Well, I gots a telegram for ya.
08:46 You're no FDR.
08:48 Stop, you're wasting my time.
08:50 Stop, I'm not even sure you want to walk.
08:52 - Well, Cotton, of course I do.
08:54 - Tell me you wanna walk.
08:56 - I wanna walk.
08:57 - I can't hear you.
08:59 - I want to walk.
09:00 - What's that?
09:01 - I want to walk!
09:02 - Good.
09:03 Now shine my boots.
09:05 And make 'em all sparkly.
09:08 I'm gonna be buried in those nasty stompers
09:11 at the Texas State Cemetery.
09:13 That's why our government inters its war heroes.
09:17 Inters means bury.
09:18 War heroes means me.
09:21 - They're letting you in there?
09:22 - Well, first I gots to die.
09:25 But before that, I gots to fill out an application
09:28 and be approved by a damn commission.
09:30 I killed 50 men and now I gotta go beggin'
09:34 for a war hero's grave?
09:36 It ain't right.
09:38 - My arms are tired.
09:39 - And I was tired too when I was ordered
09:41 to retake Blunder Airfield in the Solomon Islands.
09:45 But I retook it anyway.
09:46 Told Joe I had a machine gun nest high up on a hill.
09:52 Had my whole unit pinned down.
09:54 So I snuck myself behind enemy lines
09:59 in a 55-gallon drummer sucker.
10:02 Held my breath 'til they got good and drunk.
10:06 And then I jumped out,
10:07 spitin' alky all into my supporter.
10:10 Yep, I high-botched the whole squad.
10:15 Come on, lady, make 'em shine.
10:17 (snorting)
10:19 - Well, you just shaved two minutes off my commute.
10:26 Thanks, Peggy.
10:29 - Gah!
10:30 Ah, please don't tell Hank.
10:33 - Just disrespectful.
10:34 Talkin' about just like Bill Dutri, man.
10:36 I'm not angry, man.
10:37 I'm just very damn disappointed, man.
10:40 Very.
10:41 (whimpering)
10:44 - Playtime's over, Hank's wife.
10:46 (crying)
10:47 Oh, now look what you done.
10:48 He's cryin'.
10:49 (crying)
10:53 Oh, poor little baby sittin' on a fresh grenade.
10:58 Nobody likes that.
10:59 - Well, I can't get to him.
11:00 - Crawl, dammit, crawl!
11:02 Whoa!
11:04 1944.
11:05 I crawled through a minefield
11:09 to retrieve General MacArthur's corncob pipe.
11:13 That's right, I'm a hero.
11:14 They're gonna bury me in the Texas State Cemetery.
11:18 You, you're a coward.
11:20 They'll bury you up on Coward's Hill.
11:23 - I am not a coward.
11:25 (sneezing)
11:29 (laughing)
11:30 - What are you doin', swattin' flies?
11:33 Or just wavin' along?
11:34 Well, hello to you too, ya fly-swattin' loser.
11:38 Now move it!
11:39 - Colonel, I think the baby's crying.
11:41 - A good job.
11:43 Those parenting classes are startin' to pay off.
11:45 - Thank you.
11:46 - Well, I don't mean to brag about the stakes here,
11:52 but, uh, Dad, you can take out your teeth.
11:56 - Shouldn't we wait for Aunt Peggy to get back from rehab?
11:59 Oh my God, was it my turn to pick her up?
12:04 - Oh, she quit the rehab.
12:06 - She what?
12:07 - Yep, I'm in charge now.
12:09 She's makin' good progress.
12:11 Don't need her wheelchair no more.
12:13 (sneezing)
12:14 (dog barking)
12:16 (grunting)
12:18 - Oh my God, Peggy, what have you done to my wife?
12:22 - Turned her into a highly trained,
12:24 highly motivated fighting machine.
12:26 - This is crazy, Dad.
12:28 You're not a medical professional.
12:30 First thing tomorrow, we're goin' back to rehab.
12:33 - Is that what you want?
12:35 You wanna drop out of the program?
12:37 - Sir, no, sir!
12:39 (grunting)
12:41 (dramatic music)
12:44 - Good effort.
12:50 Have some chow.
12:52 (sighing)
12:54 (sighing)
12:58 - Hank, this steak is so tender.
13:05 - Had to get you out of that house.
13:08 Nothin' there but girls and babies.
13:11 I'm referring to your husband.
13:13 That's why I brought you here.
13:16 Meet the greatest collection of soldiers
13:19 this country has ever known.
13:21 Stinky, Fatty, Stinky, Brooklyn, Stinky, Brooklyn,
13:26 Fatty, Fatty, and Doc.
13:28 Oh, and Irwin Linker.
13:30 Many fought and died for the flag,
13:34 and now we're givin' you the honor of raisin' it.
13:37 Show us how a real hero starts his day.
13:40 (sighing)
13:49 - Oh, how many boots did you shine?
13:51 Your arms are still flabby.
13:53 You done left Old Glory at half-mast.
13:56 Well, who died?
13:59 Is it you?
14:00 Are you dyin' on me?
14:01 Go ahead, 'cause you don't deserve to live, you worthless--
14:04 (slapping)
14:06 (laughing)
14:14 - Well, what do you know?
14:15 That gal might have what it takes after all.
14:17 (clapping)
14:20 Now raise that flag.
14:21 (triumphant music)
14:26 - Peggy, I'm settin' the alarm for seven.
14:34 Dang it.
14:37 - Oh, set it for 5.30.
14:39 Cotton wants me to cut back on my sleep.
14:42 Says it's making me soft.
14:44 - Uh, Peggy, you remember how you've always hated my father?
14:48 Well, I never wanted to say anything
14:51 because I didn't wanna hurt your feelings,
14:53 but I think my dad is not too fond of you either,
14:58 pretty much.
15:01 I'm just afraid he's taking advantage of your condition
15:05 to, well, I don't know, torture you or something.
15:12 - Hank, he's not torturing me.
15:14 The man is inspiring me.
15:16 And with his help, Peggy Hill is doing things
15:19 I could never have done on her own.
15:21 That's why I'm helping him with his application.
15:28 Did he ever tell you how he survived eight days
15:31 in a life raft by trapping rainwater
15:33 in his upturned eyelids?
15:35 - Yeah, he might have mentioned that once or twice.
15:39 May 2nd, '45, during the battle for Okinawa,
15:42 Cotton invented a bayonet technique
15:44 that is still used to gut men today.
15:47 April 30th, '45, at the occupation of Munich.
15:51 - Hold on a minute.
15:52 Munich, Germany?
15:54 - Yes, Hank.
15:56 - Well, how did my dad fight in Germany and Japan
16:00 at the same time?
16:01 - Well, let's see.
16:03 April 30th, May 2nd, that's two whole days.
16:08 How long does it take to kill 50 men?
16:10 (upbeat music)
16:14 (alarm buzzing)
16:29 - Well, let's get to work.
16:33 Come on, grab some flour.
16:35 - Hold on, Cotton.
16:37 I have a few questions.
16:38 - You don't ask me questions.
16:39 I ask the questions over here.
16:42 Like, move it, move it, move it.
16:44 (Hank gasps)
16:46 What's wrong with you?
16:48 You crawled yesterday.
16:50 Now come at me.
16:51 Like on Okinawa, when the Tojo's came at me faster
16:54 than I could gut 'em, so I had to gut 'em faster.
16:57 - You were never on Okinawa.
17:00 - Yes, I was.
17:01 - Then you were never in Munich.
17:03 - Yes, I was.
17:04 - Porn Hank, scrambled, black, sports page.
17:09 You got five minutes.
17:11 - Oh, God.
17:13 It was all lies.
17:15 Why did I ever believe him?
17:17 Why did I ever think that I could walk?
17:20 - Don't talk like that, Peggy.
17:22 So I was right.
17:23 That's not important now.
17:25 What is important is that you get right back up
17:29 on that horse.
17:31 There you go.
17:33 - Pass me Cotton's application.
17:35 He may rot in hell,
17:38 but he will not rot in the Texas State Cemetery.
17:42 (Hank groans)
17:44 (dramatic music)
17:47 (Hank grunts)
17:50 (Hank grunts)
17:52 (Hank grunts)
17:55 (dramatic music)
17:59 (Hank grunts)
18:02 (Hank grunts)
18:05 - Colonel, from your dress and demeanor,
18:07 can I assume you are about to take your own life
18:10 in a cheap motel room with your service revolver?
18:13 - No cigar, Grimble.
18:15 I'm headed over to the Texas State Cemetery.
18:18 You can't wear that to my hearing.
18:23 - Don't worry, Cotton, I won't.
18:25 - Yeah, good.
18:26 Y'all change and meet me there.
18:28 And show some leg.
18:30 Ain't got much tone, but dams is dams.
18:33 - Let's go, Hank.
18:37 - I just talked to Ramsey.
18:38 He said he'll take you back, but he's gotta warn you,
18:41 Mrs. Flores is already combing her own hair,
18:45 so don't get jealous.
18:46 - Who's ready for a sponge bath?
18:52 - Yo.
18:53 - Let's see, bicep curls.
18:57 Where do we leave off?
18:58 - Five pounds.
18:59 - I'd like the half pounders, please.
19:02 - Okay, let's get busy.
19:04 Just kidding, let's take it slow.
19:09 - For your portrayal of Dr. Jerry Henderson
19:14 on TV's "Dallas," 1984 to 1986,
19:17 we proudly assign you, Barry Jenner,
19:19 Cemetery Plot Four, Section K.
19:22 - Oh, thank you.
19:23 - They're gonna run out of graves.
19:27 - That concludes today's business.
19:29 The Texas State Cemetery Commission
19:30 will reconvene in six months.
19:32 - Hold on!
19:33 You bros got one more man to bury.
19:35 - All right, pass up your application.
19:38 - Oh, I don't have it on me at the moment.
19:40 It's being crippled over.
19:42 Give me another minute, please.
19:45 - I'm afraid that's impossible.
19:46 - No, no, no!
19:48 Not the gavel!
19:49 Don't bang the...
19:50 (grunts)
19:51 The gavel meeting is not adjourned.
19:56 (snoring)
19:58 - Way to go, Peggy.
19:59 You're doing just great.
20:02 - Would you please stop yelling at me?
20:05 What was I thinking?
20:07 Munich?
20:08 Rat Tales?
20:10 He's no hero.
20:11 He was just torturing me.
20:13 He is a complete fraud.
20:16 (sighs)
20:17 - That was something.
20:18 - What?
20:19 What are you muttering?
20:20 Are you actually trying to defend him?
20:23 (sighs)
20:23 - I said that fraud used to be six foot four.
20:27 - So?
20:28 - When he came back from the Pacific,
20:31 he was five foot even.
20:33 A Japanese machine gun blew away his shins.
20:36 The doctor said he'd never walk again.
20:39 18 months later, he walked right over to that doctor,
20:42 reached up, and punched him in the kidneys.
20:46 Now, I can't prove what he did at those battles.
20:50 In fact, I don't even know if the part
20:52 about hitting the doctor is true,
20:54 but I do know that my dad doesn't have shins,
20:58 and somehow he walks.
21:00 And that's pretty heroic to me.
21:03 And that is what I was muttering.
21:05 - I'm an old man.
21:11 I got a newborn son.
21:13 I can't let him visit me at a civilian cemetery.
21:17 What kind of a place is that for a child's birthday party?
21:20 - Mr. Chairman, the chair recognizes Mrs. Peggy Hill.
21:25 In deference to the committee's busy schedule,
21:28 I have chosen to highlight only a few
21:31 of Cotton Hill's many acts of bravery
21:34 at Guam, the Solomon Islands, Sardinia, and Okinawa.
21:39 - Man, woman, you forgot Munich.
21:41 - You were never in Munich.
21:43 - I wasn't?
21:44 No.
21:46 (dramatic music)
21:49 - Dad, Steven Austin.
21:57 Is that the bionic guy or the wrestler?
22:01 - I found it!
22:04 - It's a lovely grave, Cotton.
22:13 You deserve it.
22:15 (dramatic music)
22:18 - Ain't you coming, Hanks' wife?
22:21 - That's okay.
22:22 I can see it from here.
22:24 - Not the same.
22:25 Out of the chair, let's go.
22:27 Start climbing.
22:28 - But I, I can't.
22:30 - What do you mean you can't?
22:32 You mean you won't?
22:33 'Cause you're weak and lazy.
22:34 - (laughs) Cotton, please?
22:37 - I climbed the cliffs of Normandy
22:39 with a 50 pound ice cream maker strapped to my back.
22:43 And you're telling me you can't climb a stupid little hill?
22:46 - All right, Cotton.
22:47 Look, I know what you're doing,
22:48 but I am very tired and I--
22:50 - You get to the top of that hill
22:52 and I'll let you dance on my grave.
22:55 (dramatic music)
22:58 (Cotton grunts)
23:03 - Let's go!
23:08 Move it, move it!
23:12 Come on!
23:13 Come on!
23:19 (Cotton groans)
23:26 - Cotton, may I have this dance?
23:40 (dramatic music)
23:43 (birds chirping)
23:46 (dramatic music)
23:49 (Cotton gasps)
23:52 (dramatic music)
23:55 (dramatic music)
23:57 (upbeat music)
24:23 (upbeat music)
24:25 (bell rings)
24:47 (upbeat music)
24:49 (upbeat music)
24:52 - I can't hear!