Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:31 [music]
00:39 Oh, Hank, you have got to drive me to school today. I cannot stop grading.
00:43 [mumbling]
00:46 These are not spelling tests, Hank. They are what I did on my winter break essays, and I cannot waste a single grading minute here. I am known for my one-day turnaround.
00:55 All right, but we got to hurry. Paint and Paper is having their 8 a.m. madness sale.
01:02 Okay, trip to Dallas, B. Trip to Waco, B. Trip to New York City, C. Trip to...
01:11 [crash]
01:12 What the hell?
01:14 [screaming]
01:16 My neck is broken! I'll sue you for everything you have!
01:19 Oh, it's Hank Hill. What's the point? I have everything you have, but better.
01:24 Con, on this side of the earth, we back out to the right.
01:28 Yeah, yeah, just my luck. I run into uninsured redneck.
01:32 Not only am I insured, I happen to be a member of the Perfect Payment Club.
01:38 [screaming] My neck is broken!
01:44 [music]
01:47 Did you have anything to drink this morning, Mr. Hill?
01:50 No.
01:51 Did you use a mouthwash or cough syrup?
01:53 No.
01:54 Did you eat an unusual amount of sausage?
01:56 Look, am I covered or not?
01:58 Yes, you're covered, minus the deductible, and of course your insurance rates will go up.
02:04 Why should my rates go up, Ms. Kaaliki-Alii?
02:08 Well, it's going to cost us money to fix your truck.
02:11 What kind of insurance is that? Why don't I just take out a loan, fix my truck, and avoid the middleman?
02:17 You can't drive without proof of insurance. However, you can avoid the rate increase if you go to traffic school.
02:24 Singles traffic school, smokers traffic school, vegetarian traffic school.
02:32 It's like no matter what problem you have, they have a traffic school for it.
02:36 Hey, ice cream lovers traffic school. I can help you with your homework.
02:41 No, no, I don't need any fancy frills or nonsense. Here we go, right to the point.
02:48 Defensive driving school. Just hope they know more about driving than they do about spelling.
02:55 Hey! What are you doing here, Hank Hill? Is the traffic school all full up?
03:09 Cut the comedy, Con. It was your reckless disregard of back-and-out procedure that put us here.
03:16 I want to see you taking notes.
03:18 Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Put a sack in the house! Put a sack in the house! Put a sack in the house!
03:27 And I want to welcome you all to Def-ensive traffic school. That's right!
03:34 Def-ensive traffic school. I'm deaf and y'all be fencing!
03:42 Put a sack in the house! You crazy!
03:47 Kid Mookay, hey! Yo, check it out. Look at all the white people we got up here in traffic school tonight.
03:54 And they say only black people break the laws.
03:57 But that's not true.
04:01 Shut up! Who said I gotta rule?
04:04 Check out girlfriend. Got a booty so big, if you put numbers on it, she can press license plates.
04:11 You can't kill our tutor!
04:17 Hey, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby! Now, after class, you and I gotta do a little detention.
04:24 You know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying?
04:27 This has nothing to do with defensive driving.
04:31 Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to criticize your lesson plan, but do you have a lesson plan?
04:37 What'd you say? What'd you say? You trying to say that a black man can't put together a lesson plan?
04:42 Well, I got a lesson plan. I plan on teaching lesson, you shut up!
04:48 Well, hold on now. I didn't mean to be...
04:50 Cracker, are you taking me serious?
04:53 (cheering)
04:58 Look, learning good driving skills is no laughing matter.
05:02 Go Cracker! Go Cracker! Go Cracker! Go Cracker! Go Cracker!
05:08 Budasek? The Budasek? I saw him on TV three years ago on Breakfast at the Apollo.
05:17 He was making fun of white people, like how we talk funny and we don't have any butts.
05:23 He's one of the reasons I want to be a comedian.
05:27 Look, there's something we haven't told you, Bobby, but maybe now's the time.
05:32 You see, show business is inherently evil.
05:36 Hank, we agreed not to have this discussion until Bobby is 15 years old.
05:41 I know, but it's time for some tough love.
05:43 Bobby, comedians are show-offs. Sure, they get beautiful women and drive fast trucks, but eventually...
05:50 They have fast trucks?
05:52 You're missing the point, son. Comedy is not a stable career.
05:57 I'm going to take you to that traffic class tonight so you can see the lonely, pathetic future comedy has to offer.
06:04 You mean it? I get to meet Budasek?
06:07 What am I going to wear?
06:09 (sigh)
06:12 You know, 'cause white people will be driving like this, all bent up over the steering wheel, going,
06:18 "Oh, dear, I think we've missed our exit."
06:23 See what I mean, Bobby? It's just sad.
06:27 Yeah, white people's just like that.
06:33 Only one thing worse than white people driving, and that's DWO, Driving While Oriented.
06:42 Ooh, T-Choc!
06:44 You the man, Budasek, I'm going on a stand!
06:48 Bobby, I see ya.
06:50 Hey, Opie Peller, get your butt up here on stage.
06:54 Hmm, poppin' fresh!
06:58 Now, see here, Mr., uh, Slack, that's my boy, and...
07:04 Hey, it's all good, baby, it's all good. I was just playing with my man here.
07:09 Now, now, now, what's your name, young brother?
07:13 Bobby Hill.
07:15 Bouncin' Bobby Hill! Now, tell me, Bobby, does your old man drink a lot of beer?
07:21 Oh, yeah.
07:23 Now, don't lie now, Bobby.
07:28 Does he just stand around all day drinking beer with all his other white friends going, "Yeah"?
07:36 No, they go, "Yup."
07:39 Sit down, son, they're not laughing with you, they're laughing at me.
07:47 Now, little blood, tell me why you're in the house.
07:50 Did you get a ticket for rubbing your butt too hard on your banana seat?
07:54 My dad brought me here. He wanted to show me how sad and lonesome you are underneath.
08:01 You right, you right.
08:05 Buddha said, "Is a sad man."
08:11 But not as sad as your daddy saw himself with his four eyes,
08:16 too many pies, super-sized Cracker Jack fries.
08:22 Somebody help me, come on!
08:24 And he likes French fries!
08:28 Ladies and gentlemen, this kid is gonna be the white rerun!
08:34 The white rerun, we got him right here!
08:37 Hey Hank, how's driver's ed?
08:44 You know, I only ask 'cause I'm concerned.
08:49 I still have one more class 'til I'm through.
08:52 Everyone knows you back out to the right.
08:55 I'd take a brain surgeon.
08:58 Thirteen years Dave Hanson lived in that house, never once did he back into me.
09:03 Yeah, of course he was a 500-pound shut-in.
09:06 Mm-hmm, shame he had to move.
09:09 They replaced that wall pretty nice, though.
09:11 Yeah, that looks all right. I like the way it turned out.
09:15 Yo, yo, yo, Bobby Hill is in the house, on point!
09:20 What the?
09:21 Would you look at all the white people standing around, ain't got no butts.
09:26 Y'all ain't no butt having this people, uh-huh.
09:30 Yeah, no butt.
09:32 And white people always be walking around like this.
09:36 Like they be crushing diamonds in there or something.
09:39 Look at me, I'm white.
09:42 Y'all, peace up, I'm outtie.
09:49 Yeah, yeah, man.
09:53 White people do walk like that, really, especially in the Army.
09:58 Man, I ain't talking about no butt, man.
10:01 I ain't gonna tell you why it's funny, man, it's 'cause it ain't no true.
10:05 Look, I appreciate you guys' humor and Bobby,
10:08 but what the boy needs right now is to be demoralized into giving this up.
10:13 No, I thought he was funny, Hank.
10:16 Look at me, I'm white.
10:19 Bill, leave the comedy to the professionals.
10:25 Yes, sir.
10:26 Buddhasek, I'm Bobby Hill.
10:36 I was in your class the other night and I saw you on breakfast at the Apollo.
10:41 You saw that?
10:42 Yeah, I did some TV a few years back, did the L.A. thing.
10:48 Sit down, have a bottle of ketchup.
10:51 [laughing]
10:53 Ketchup!
10:55 So how come you're in Arlen? I mean, you're really good.
10:59 I got a little risque on Moesha a couple of years ago,
11:04 and it's been hard for me ever since.
11:07 Anyway, TV's not where it's at, buddy.
11:10 It's giving people the same old stereotypes, playing the same old stories.
11:14 How do you want to do that?
11:15 What I want to do is make people laugh and think.
11:20 You know what I'm saying?
11:21 That's why you teach traffic school.
11:24 Yeah, that's why I teach traffic school.
11:28 Hey, I've been working on some new stuff. Check it out.
11:32 White people think the hood is something on their sweatshirt.
11:37 And, um, how come the cops always be pulling me over?
11:42 What's up with that?
11:45 Bobby, let me give you a little piece of constructive criticism.
11:50 You're not black.
11:52 Oh, okay.
11:54 I mean, you gotta be real, Bobby. You know what I'm saying?
11:57 Not really.
11:58 You're a white man. Get in touch with your white roots.
12:03 Think of the stuff that's funny from your point of view.
12:06 Well, my dad's got a narrow urethra.
12:10 Ha ha! Now that's funny.
12:13 But my dad says comedy isn't a real job.
12:16 Comedy ain't about listening to your dad.
12:19 You think Shuck-a-Duck-a got to where he was by listening to his daddy?
12:24 Listen, I got a dope comedy jam Sunday night.
12:27 Soon as you get real, come on down.
12:30 Thanks, Buddha-sack.
12:34 [Birds chirping]
12:36 [Squeaking]
12:39 Dad, Buddha-sack says I'm funny, and I could go up on his amateur night.
12:45 Son, let me put this in terms you can understand.
12:49 I am not down with that.
12:54 What I mean is no.
12:57 Buddha-sack says I shouldn't listen to you.
13:00 He says good comedians are rebels, and they never listen to their dads.
13:05 What? Now that guy is trying to turn my own kid against me?
13:10 You have no manners. It's obvious that your mother did not raise you right.
13:16 Uh-oh. What's that? You talk about my mother?
13:19 Let me tell you about your mother.
13:21 Your mother is so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
13:26 What?
13:28 That's right. I said your mama is so fat that she free-bases hands.
13:34 First of all, my mother is not overweight.
13:37 She weighs 120 pounds, which is perfectly normal for a woman her age.
13:43 I said your mama's so fat, when she walks around in high heels, she strikes oil.
13:51 I don't think you've ever even met my mother.
13:54 If you want to pick on someone, at least have the courage to pick on me.
13:58 Uh-huh. Your urethra is so narrow, sperm be going through there single file.
14:06 One, two, three, four. Sperm, two, three, four.
14:09 Okay, okay. That's it, potty mouth. I've had enough.
14:13 This is supposed to be a classroom. I'm leaving.
14:16 Oh, you leave my class, and I'm going to flunk you.
14:18 Yeah, we'll see about that.
14:21 Good.
14:23 Mom, you got a minute?
14:26 Well, of course, Bobby. Anything for you, honey.
14:30 Now, what is it?
14:33 I'm trying to find my roots. You know what I'm all about.
14:37 Oh, honey, your roots are very rich.
14:40 Your grandfather and his father and his father's father were all married
14:45 and bought houses and had jobs and had children.
14:50 But did they do anything funny?
14:54 Oh, Bobby. Well, honey, it sounds like you've never heard of a butter churn with a mind of its own.
15:01 Oh, and your great-aunt Charlotte, we used to call her Mrs. Magoo because she couldn't sing well.
15:08 Oh, and she drank.
15:14 And the butter churn had a mind of its own.
15:18 Dang.
15:23 It's kind of funny in an old person's way.
15:27 You're so lucky, Connie. You're ethnic.
15:30 Joseph and I are just nothing. We're just white and boring.
15:36 Yeah.
15:38 Then he said my mother was so big her stretch marks had names.
15:44 Well, has he ever seen your mother?
15:46 No.
15:47 Is she overweight?
15:48 Not by half.
15:49 Well, then that's not funny.
15:51 I never did get that Buddha sack.
15:54 Tell Mr. Sack I'd like to see him.
15:56 And another thing, these videotapes he's showing are too mild.
16:00 I'd like to recommend a movie I saw in high school called Red Asphalt.
16:06 Showed a fellow's brains being scraped off the road.
16:10 Now that kept me straight.
16:12 I like the way you think, Mr. Hill.
16:14 'Sup, Boom Boom?
16:15 I told you not to call me that.
16:17 Now, Mr. Hill here has a complaint.
16:19 Hey, it ain't my fault he don't got a butt.
16:22 Tell him to take it up with God.
16:24 Now, Buddha, we've talked about this before.
16:27 You can't say those types of things in class.
16:30 You're offending people like Mr. Hill here.
16:32 Well, I got something called freedom of speech.
16:35 Ever heard of the First Amendment?
16:37 Thomas Jefferson's turning over his grave right now, and the slave lady's on top.
16:41 Now, see here. Thomas Jefferson was a founding father.
16:45 He designed and built his own house.
16:48 Now, calm down, you two.
16:50 Sack, go put the fancy candles on the tables.
16:52 I'll deal with you later.
16:54 Tell you what, Mr. Hill, he won't teach here again.
17:00 Now, I'm not supposed to do this,
17:03 but why don't I transfer you to our chocoholics class for the last segment?
17:08 Huh? How 'bout that?
17:10 If we get on the Internet,
17:17 maybe we could find out something funny about white people.
17:21 Yeah!
17:22 Now, we can enter in keywords and then find material for your act.
17:26 This is a great idea.
17:29 What words should we use?
17:31 White.
17:33 Roots.
17:34 Funny.
17:36 Wow!
17:38 You guys busy?
17:56 We can take a break.
17:58 As if anybody's going downtown,
18:01 I need a ride to the comedy club to try out my new material.
18:05 That's funny.
18:07 Hey, y'all coming?
18:09 Oh, man, you can't beat me at that, man.
18:11 That dang old cocktail waitress, man, or the two of 'em, man.
18:14 I could find out their roommates, man. That dang old double-boink, man.
18:18 What did you do to Booty Sack, Hank?
18:23 He was fired.
18:25 Now we got to sit through a prop comic.
18:27 I copied him Watermelon.
18:29 I feel bad about that,
18:31 but the man brought it on himself with his own locker room mouse.
18:35 Boomhauer, where'd everybody go?
18:39 Yeah, man, I tell you what, man.
18:41 They took the day of the dang old truck, man.
18:43 All them mufflers falling off the go.
18:44 It ain't got no brakes, man.
18:45 Sparks flying.
18:46 Like I told 'em, man,
18:47 if you fix that dang old thing, you put on some duct tape, man.
18:50 What?
18:51 They took Bobby to Snaps?
18:54 Oh, me!
18:56 Oh, my!
18:58 Boom!
18:59 Now that's what I call general haberdashery.
19:01 Hey, Bobby, do that one about how the cops always be pulling you over.
19:09 I don't do those kind of jokes anymore, Mr. Doughtree.
19:13 I got a whole new act.
19:15 Hopping Fresh is keeping it real.
19:18 All right, all right, let's hear it one more time.
19:21 For my main man, Toenail.
19:23 All right, give him a little dap.
19:25 Now settle down.
19:27 We got a special treat for all of y'all tonight.
19:29 The youngest comic to ever set foot on this stage.
19:33 Give it up for Bobby!
19:35 Yeah!
19:36 So, how's everybody doing tonight?
19:42 All right!
19:45 Okay.
19:48 Okay, how many people here are lucky enough to be members of the Nordic subgroup of the Aryan race?
19:56 Can I see some hands?
19:59 Yeah, it's tough being a white man these days.
20:07 It's tough, I tell ya.
20:09 Folks, I'm so white, during the riots, I went out and bought a television.
20:14 What?
20:16 Is this thing on?
20:19 [Screaming]
20:21 Get off the stage!
20:23 Uh-oh, Bobby's in trouble.
20:26 Dale, where's Bobby? What's going on?
20:33 Well, he's no Toenail.
20:36 Okay.
20:40 Oh, I know.
20:42 Here's an old joke I heard on the Internet.
20:44 It takes place in the slavery days of yore.
20:48 What? Bobby, no!
20:50 Wait a minute, everybody.
20:53 This is my son up here, and he's only 12 years old.
20:57 Somebody shut that Nazi up!
20:59 Shut up, you whity...
21:01 Look, he doesn't know what he's saying.
21:04 Well, who are you, the Grand Wizard?
21:07 No, no, I sell propane and propane accessories.
21:11 Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, what's going on here?
21:14 Let me get a piece of this.
21:16 Opie, that new act of yours is seriously unfunny.
21:22 Am I right, y'all?
21:24 Yeah, that's right.
21:25 You ain't allowed to talk that way.
21:27 Not in America.
21:29 Am I right, y'all?
21:30 Yeah, that's right.
21:32 No.
21:34 We got a thing called freedom of speech.
21:38 And a man on this stage can say any dumbass thing he wants.
21:52 And, uh, besides, look at this kid's daddy.
21:57 The man don't got no butt at all, no butt at all.
22:00 I mean, his boot is so small, he gotta hold on to the light cord to keep from falling in the toilet.
22:06 He's gonna drown, he's gonna drown, can't swim, can't swim.
22:09 I mean, look at this man's booty.
22:11 Booty so small, he gonna hula hoop with a Cheerio.
22:16 I said Cheerio, not bootloop, Cheerio.
22:29 I gotta thank you, Mr. Sack.
22:32 You kept a cool head in a crisis situation.
22:35 Booty Sack, I'm sorry that I wasn't funny.
22:38 Well, don't worry about it, Bobby.
22:40 You know, rerun didn't start off that funny.
22:43 Well, thanks for saving my boy and not holding it against me that you were fired from teaching.
22:49 If you're looking for a real job, you ought to consider a career in propane.
22:54 You know, this whole humor fad is pretty much on the way out.
23:00 Good job, Roger.
23:01 You know, I want to apologize for all those things I said about your mother not raising you right.
23:07 I'm sure if she had planned for you, it would have been different.
23:11 Don't make me go upside your...
23:12 Gotcha.
23:13 Just kidding.
23:14 Check it out.
23:15 Drew Carey has finally developed a sense of humor.
23:18 That's all right.
23:20 Hey, Drew Carey, your mama is so ugly, when she walks in the bank, they turn off the camera.
23:27 And your mother is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem.
23:34 Your mama got so much hair on her arms, it looks like she got buckwheat in the headlock.
23:39 Well, your mother's hair is so short, she looks like she's not a woman at all, but more like a man.
23:47 More like a man.
23:48 You got to work on that one.
23:49 It's been so long since your mama's last bath, that her hairy armpits smell like propane gas.
23:57 Now, excuse me.
23:58 Hold on there, fella.
23:59 A joke's a joke, but now you've gone too far.
24:03 Propane has no natural odor.
24:05 What you smell is actually put there by man for safety purposes.
24:17 Hello, I'm Hank Hill.
24:19 And I'm Roger Sack.
24:21 Tonight's episode dealt with racial stereotypes, especially the myth that white people do not have butts.
24:30 As you can see from the man standing next to me, that's simply not true.
24:34 Thank you, Roger.
24:36 It's a damn fine butt.
24:38 Uh, yeah, thank you.
24:40 That butt is the bomb.
24:42 Yeah, I think it's time for the X-Files.
24:46 Now! Go! BYE!