Frasier Season 7 Episode 5 The Dog That Rocks The Cradle
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Sorry I brought Alice today when we have so much work to do.
00:03Oh, that's all right, Ross.
00:05You know what? We'll find another nanny soon.
00:07I better. I have a date tomorrow. It's my first one in a month.
00:12A month.
00:15Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgotten what a real conversation is like.
00:21Well, don't tell Alice that. It might hurt her feelings.
00:27Whoop, there we go again.
00:31Oh, hence.
00:33Hello.
00:34Hello.
00:35Just look at the dapper gent I ran into on the elevator.
00:39All right, Niles, that's enough. Yes, I like the suit you got me.
00:43All right, well, tell me about the comments. Did everybody there ooh and ah?
00:47Nope. People were pretty much looking at the guy in the casket.
00:52So, Dad, how was the funeral?
00:54Oh, it was terrible. It's not at all the way Stan would have wanted it.
00:58They did everything on the cheap.
01:00And that daughter of his, she didn't even get the good priest.
01:03She got some rookie from the seminary who stumbled all through the eulogy
01:08and couldn't even pronounce, won't you do Bukowski?
01:12Well, I can commiserate with you, Dad.
01:15I had rather a bad day on the death front myself.
01:18Sherry?
01:19Yes, please, Niles.
01:20I received a letter today informing me that thanks to my divorce,
01:24I've lost my plot at Seattle's Tonyist Cemetery.
01:30You mean you're out of Verdant Hills?
01:33Oh, I am sorry, Niles.
01:35I know how much you were looking forward to being dead there.
01:41They've waitlisted me, but I don't like my odds.
01:44I don't blame you.
01:45One country club fire, you can kiss your chances goodbye.
01:50I went to all sorts of funerals as a child.
01:53My uncle's a mortician.
01:55Lovely man.
01:56He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
02:02I can just hear the whispers now.
02:04Did you see the bride? Very lifelike.
02:07Dad, you know, I'm sorry about your friend's funeral not going so well.
02:10Rest assured, when the time comes, years from now,
02:14Niles and I will follow your wishes to the letter.
02:18By the way, Dad, what are your wishes?
02:21Never mind.
02:22I'm not going to go planning my own funeral.
02:24It's bad luck.
02:25But, Dad...
02:26You don't pull the cord on the bus until you're ready to get off.
02:31I'm not going to go planning my own funeral.
02:33It's bad luck.
02:34But, Dad...
02:35You don't pull the cord on the bus until you're ready to get off.
02:43Pull the butt on the bus?
02:44I...
02:48I'm surprised I didn't know Dad had such a bugaboo about his funeral arrangements.
02:51I know, I know.
02:52It's a painful subject, but we've got to plan for it.
02:55We all must be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
03:06Would you get that?
03:09I most certainly will not.
03:20Peter.
03:21Oh, thank you very much.
03:24Bulldog.
03:26Good Lord.
03:27Oh, come in, come in.
03:29Oh, heavens.
03:30Oh, you remember my brother Niles.
03:32Niles, you remember Bulldog.
03:33Yes, of course, little Bulldog.
03:35Delivering pizzas for a living?
03:37No, I'm an eccentric millionaire.
03:39This has always been my dream.
03:43Bulldog, I can't tell you how sorry I am.
03:45No, no, no.
03:46Can a sad face, okay?
03:48Just making some extra cash between radio gigs.
03:50Well...
03:51Oh, it's 18 bucks, by the way.
03:52Oh, right.
03:53You know, I just stopped by to leave off these opera tickets.
03:56I'll be on my way.
03:57Thank you, Niles.
03:58By the way, I'm a little short of cash.
03:59Do you mind?
04:01Oh, yes.
04:04Here you are.
04:08Here you are.
04:09And, uh...
04:11There's something extra for you.
04:13Wow.
04:14That's a pretty generous tip.
04:15Oh, I'll say.
04:16Wrong bill.
04:26Hey.
04:27Good luck, Doc.
04:28I'll see you.
04:29Thanks, Bulldog.
04:30Take care.
04:31All right.
04:32Bulldog.
04:33What's this?
04:36Are you delivering pizzas?
04:38Yeah.
04:39Yeah.
04:41This is kind of awkward, huh?
04:43Oh.
04:44No.
04:45Don't be embarrassed.
04:46A job's a job.
04:47No, I mean awkward for you.
04:49This is the first time you've seen me since we had that fling and I dumped you.
04:53I dumped you, pizza boy.
04:56Yeah, whatever.
04:58Hey, look who's here.
05:01Hey, sweet pea.
05:02You are getting so big.
05:05Hey, look at that smile.
05:06She likes me.
05:07She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room anymore.
05:12Who's got a mean old mum?
05:14Roth.
05:18Listen, I think you may have solved your babysitting problem.
05:21Bulldog, are you nuts?
05:23Well, look.
05:24Alice is obviously crazy about him.
05:26He could use the money.
05:30I don't know.
05:32Okay, fine.
05:33Fine, Ross.
05:34You just cancel your date.
05:35I mean, you've been this long without a man.
05:38What's a few days more?
05:40Bulldog, do you want a job?
05:50Okay, come on.
05:51One more bite and we can watch SportsCenter.
05:58Have you seen my purse?
06:00Yeah, it's on the chair.
06:04Steve is going to be here any minute.
06:07So, you've been dating for a while?
06:09Actually, no.
06:10Tonight's our first date.
06:12In fact, it's my first date in a month.
06:14Whoa.
06:15You injured?
06:16Did you pull something?
06:17No.
06:19I guess no one quite measured up to the week you spent in the dog house, huh?
06:23Let's get one thing straight.
06:25That little flinging cat is way out there.
06:27I know, I know.
06:28I was joking.
06:30Okay, if you're not going to have some peaches, we've got some jello in the fridge.
06:36You know, some naughty ladies like to wrestle in that stuff.
06:52Hey.
06:53Excuse me, is this Ross Doyle's apartment?
06:55Yeah, yeah.
06:56You were a date?
06:57Yeah.
06:58Listen up.
06:59If you go out with Ross tonight, I will rip off your arm, ram it on your throat, and use it to squeeze your heart until it stops beating.
07:06Hey, who's my pretty girl?
07:11Me?
07:12Okay, dirtball.
07:13As soon as you get out of here, you call Ross and you cancel, like a gentleman.
07:18And as far as she's concerned, this conversation never took place.
07:21Got it?
07:23Who are you?
07:24I'm your worst nightmare.
07:25The babysitter.
07:29Okay.
07:31Time to brush your toothies.
07:34Whoa!
07:36Do I look slutty?
07:37Alright, if you're fishing for compliments, yeah, you look slutty.
07:46Hello?
07:48Hey, Steven.
07:51Oh, really?
07:53Well, tomorrow's Saturday. I mean, you won't have to...
07:57No, it's okay.
08:00Yeah, bye.
08:02I don't believe it.
08:04My first date in a month and he blows me off.
08:08At the last minute?
08:10What a jerk!
08:12He does not deserve you.
08:15Thanks.
08:18Well, I guess I can go.
08:23Oh!
08:25Oh!
08:26I ordered a pizza.
08:28I just, uh, have them drop it by my place.
08:31Oh.
08:32Oh, I'm at the YMCA.
08:34Oh, have them, uh...
08:36Well, have them knock hard. I turn up the radio to drown out the sirens.
08:41Why don't you just stay and have your pizza?
08:44What, are you sure?
08:46Yeah, it's not like I'm doing anything tonight.
08:49Okay.
08:50Come and tell us what you guys did at the park today.
08:52Ah!
08:54We fed the ducks.
08:57We went on a pony ride.
08:59And came back for a whole jar of peas.
09:02Peas? How'd you get her to eat those?
09:05Oh, there's a trick to it. You gotta pretend to sneeze them out of your nose.
09:10How'd you come up with that?
09:12It's an interesting story.
09:13Actually, don't tell me.
09:22Oh!
09:23Good afternoon, Niles.
09:25Coffee's on me. I'm back in Verdant Hills Cemetery.
09:28Oh, well, congratulations.
09:30Nothing left now but all that pesky waiting.
09:34I haven't gotten the official word yet, but, uh, I've called in a favor.
09:37Bruce McGurk is on the board of directors.
09:39I gave him brief counseling when his uncle was lost at sea.
09:42And it occurred to me, there's a plot gone begging.
09:49Tell me something.
09:50Do I have the word loser tattooed across my forehead?
09:53No, Roz.
09:54But there is a rumor about a Tweety Bird on your upper thigh.
10:02I've had two dates this week, and both of them have bailed out on me on the last second.
10:07What's wrong with me?
10:08Oh, don't count yourself out just yet, Roz.
10:10Yeah, right.
10:11No, no, there's a young man over there.
10:13Can't take his eyes off you. He's been staring at you ever since you came in.
10:17It's Ted from the ad department.
10:19We've been making eye contact for months.
10:21Oh, yes, Ted.
10:23Well, his gaze is so steamy, it's refoaming my latte.
10:29Why don't you go over there and talk with him?
10:31I can't. I don't know what to say.
10:33I'll tell you what. Ask him to dinner.
10:35I'm going to Chez Henri myself this evening.
10:37I'll call and get you a table.
10:39I don't know. I'm feeling a little gunshot.
10:41Roz, you'd better hurry.
10:42She's expecting.
10:43I don't know. I'm feeling a little gunshot.
10:45Roz, you'd better hurry.
10:46She's going to talk to me another minute longer.
10:48They'll think he's got some serious competition.
10:52Thank you, Frasier.
10:53I needed a good laugh to loosen me up.
10:58Yes, hello. Henri.
11:00It's Frasier Crane.
11:02Yes, I was just wondering.
11:04I'd like to get a table for a dear friend of mine tonight as well.
11:07Niles Crane here.
11:09Hello, Bruce.
11:10I hope you're calling with good news about Verdon Hills.
11:12A table for two?
11:13Yes, a plot for one.
11:16By the kitchen?
11:18Oh, Lord.
11:19I was hoping for something near the fireplace.
11:21Near the parking lot?
11:22I'd prefer the serenity garden.
11:26Oh, the back room would be fine.
11:28Who's at the next table?
11:29The hilltop is divine.
11:30Who's in the adjacent plot?
11:32The Ashby's wonderful.
11:34The Ashby's delightful.
11:36Thank you very much.
11:37I'm so grateful.
11:40McGirt got me a shady spot on the high hill.
11:43You mean...
11:44Yes.
11:45I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
11:47Oh, Niles.
11:48Checkmate.
11:51He said yes.
11:53Well, of course he did, Roz.
11:54Congratulations.
11:55And you're all set at Chez Henri.
11:57Great.
11:58Okay.
11:59What sorry bastard would steal a pacifier from a kid?
12:02This stinks!
12:03This is total BS!
12:05This...
12:06Oh, found it.
12:07Found it.
12:10Listen, Bulldog.
12:11I hate to do this to you.
12:13Hey, Alice.
12:14Can you babysit tonight?
12:16I just got a date with Ted up in there.
12:18Really?
12:19Yeah.
12:20Okay, sure.
12:21Hey, way to go, slugger.
12:23Thanks.
12:24I better go home and get ready.
12:25Hey, you go ahead.
12:26I'll catch up with you after I hit the can.
12:28Oh, lovely.
12:35Hey, Ted.
12:36Right?
12:37Bulldog!
12:38Hey, I hear you're going out with Roz tonight.
12:40Yeah.
12:41Listen up.
12:43You have her home 45 minutes after you pick her up or you'll be sorry.
12:47Yeah?
12:49What are you going to do about it?
12:54Oh, my God!
12:56If I'm willing to do that to me, just think what I'll do to you.
13:00Okay, 45 minutes.
13:02Or else.
13:09Hey, boys.
13:10Feel like taking a ride?
13:12Uh, well, sure, Dad.
13:14Why, too?
13:15Well, I got thinking about what we were talking the other night, you know,
13:18about me not having made any arrangements for myself.
13:21And so I just went out and I bought myself a burial pot.
13:26Oh, wow.
13:27All right, let's go have a look.
13:29Dad, you know, I'm glad to see you finally realize there's no point in being superstitious about the whole thing.
13:35Oh, I realized if I let you plan my funeral that it'd be all hearts, white wine,
13:40and, frankly, a lot of very pissed-off cops.
13:47Right up here on the left.
13:49Got the whole service mapped out.
13:51It'll start with a bagpipe a-marching down the aisle.
13:54Bagpipes?
13:55I'm having bagpipes at my wedding.
13:57You knew that.
13:58And none of that dainty finger foodie, the big slabs of beef.
14:02Prime rib.
14:03You can't have prime rib. I'm having prime rib.
14:06Oh, for Pete's sake.
14:07No, look, this is lovely.
14:08If you kick off before I get married, you'll ruin everything.
14:11All right, I'll drop the bagpipes.
14:13No, no, have the bagpipes.
14:15And what else are you going to have, a big cake with a little white coffee on the top?
14:18Oh, just put a sock in it, will you?
14:21Wouldn't surprise me if you had a hearse with just buried inside of it.
14:25Don't start. I'm warning you.
14:35Pretty great, huh?
14:39And I'll put your mom's ashes over there on the left, because that was her side of the bed.
14:44And, um...
14:45Oh! See how close we are to the maintenance shed?
14:49And that's good because?
14:50You're the first one to get mowed.
14:53Yeah.
14:54So, do you really like this place?
14:57Yes, Dad.
14:59Uh, Fraze, take about three steps over to your left, will you?
15:05Keep going. Keep going.
15:08There you are.
15:10Now, I'll stand right next to him.
15:12Yeah.
15:14Congratulations, you're standing on your very own graves.
15:18What?
15:19Yes! Well, they were for sale, so I went ahead and bought them.
15:22And after seeing how much you like it out here, I'm glad I did.
15:26Oh, no. But, Dad...
15:28Oh, I know what you're gonna say.
15:30The expense. But don't worry about it.
15:33Merry Christmas.
15:35I'm sorry we had to rush out like that.
15:37Oh, me too. Is your stomach feeling any better?
15:40Uh, not really.
15:44Maybe my press fit.
15:47I'll play some music.
15:48What are you doing?
15:50I'm going to play some music.
15:51What?
15:52I'm gonna play some music.
15:53What?
15:54A song.
15:55A song?
15:56A song.
15:57What song?
15:58A song!
15:59Oh, I'm sorry.
16:00That's okay, Mrs. Lawrence.
16:01I'll come right over.
16:02Oh, no, you don't have to.
16:03really can I get you some ginger ale or I really better go now
16:21you sleep right don't worry I won't disturb you it where's Ted ditched me
16:29what saying his stomach was bothering him but he was looking at his watch the
16:35whole time what is wrong with men not him it's me this has been happening all
16:44week no no no trust me it is not you those guys are jerks Thanks Bulldog I
16:53know look if you're hungry I I just whip it up a little something there's
17:00probably enough for two great I'm just gonna go change okay
17:23what the hell are you doing here I know I'm sorry you are supposed to be gone how many
17:34of my own fingers do I have to dislocate before you take me seriously I got a home in 45 minutes
17:39okay she left this in the car oh this smells delicious ow I guess I'm a little tense from
18:05that date allow me oh I forgot how good you were at this come to think of it you were good at a
18:28lot of things Oh Victoria's Secret page 39 why don't we just skip dinner and go straight for
18:43dessert well penthouse forum page 23 are you the new pizza man I hope not double par I promise you
18:58ma'am I will deliver in 30 minutes or more there's a scented candle out on the balcony would you get
19:07that for me I'm kind of naked here Cedarwood you promote stamina and sexual creativity I'll be right
19:17back open the door oh I get it beat the man you slime bag you've been scaring off my dates all
19:32week I don't know what you're talking about crap I just saw you talking to Ted this is the lowest
19:38thing you've ever done it for the way I've trusted you this is the way you treat me will you let me
19:42in please no come on it's freezing out here if you can plainly see I want you to suffer oh don't
19:54sit there I eat off that table for God's sake get drenched come on all right wait wait will you
20:03let me explain I don't want to hear it you make me sick just get out I wasn't just trying to get
20:09your bed just give me a second please all right last spring when we were together it was great
20:19and I didn't know how to handle it so I ran away but when I saw you again I figured if I could keep
20:34the competition out of the way then maybe you and I I don't know we could be a couple I think I'm
20:47in love with you you're not saying anything right
21:00wait a minute I know what you're doing what all this love stuff it's just another way to get me
21:24in a bed don't rise no God it's the oldest trick in the book wait a minute right and you're still
21:31at it you're still at it you can't blame a guy for trying you're the master yeah oh I even put
21:53childproof latches on the on the cabinets you know part of my plan to get you in the sack you
21:58are such a big well I better be going okay thank you for all of your help of Alice I'll see you
22:20Bob see your ass
22:26I'm sorry mrs. Wozniak I know the balcony is not for sex play
22:50it's Frazier and by the way charming it's open well I just saw you dash out of the restaurant
23:07with Ted I thought my god what's wrong you are not gonna believe what just happened bulldog just
23:14told me he loved me what he made Ted bring me home early turns out he's been scaring my dates
23:21off all week well what did you say to him I tried to let him down easy I felt sorry for the guy
23:31bulldog Wow he's full of surprises isn't he who'd have thought you know what's really weird I'm gonna
23:45miss look at this never had to worry about Alice he kept this place so neat and it was really nice
23:54to have someone to come home to maybe bulldog in his own clumsy way gave you a taste of a more
24:08traditional lifestyle hmm who knows Ross maybe the time has come you might be willing to start
24:17looking for what a husband no I wasn't gonna say that because I'm gonna miss certain things about
24:23bulldog doesn't mean I need to rush out and get married I mean look at this week I've had three
24:29guys interested in me not to mention bulldog now I'm liking this single life's pretty good
24:38all right as long as you're okay I really appreciate you coming by okay I'll see you
24:51tomorrow of course good night night
25:07you
25:38hey baby I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs quite stylish and
25:47maybe I seem a bit confused well maybe but I got you baked but I don't know what to do with those
25:58tossed salads and scrambled eggs they're calling again