Frasier Season 7 Episode 4 Everyone's A Critic
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00:00Tomorrow then. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you-
00:03Oh, yes.
00:07Be sure to tune in later for the final broadcast of KACL's lovable curmudgeon, Chester Ludgate.
00:17You know, most of us here at the station were surprised to hear that he was retiring.
00:22I, for one, thought he'd never leave.
00:27So, should we order a pizza?
00:29Sorry?
00:31Those PSAs you promised you'd help me with are due tomorrow.
00:35Oh, gosh, Roz, I really am sorry.
00:37You know, it seems Mrs. Delafield's daughter is coming here to join us as an intern.
00:42I promised Kenny I'd show her around and take her to dinner.
00:45Oh, so while I'm working late eating my vending machine dinner,
00:48you'll be out having a gourmet meal with some cute rich girl?
00:52Oh, you can make anything sound unfair.
00:56Hey, Doc.
00:57Kenny, and whom have we here?
01:00Dr. Frasier Crane, I'd like you to meet Miss Poppy Delafield.
01:04Well, gotta run.
01:07Poppy, what a pleasure to meet the daughter of our beloved station owner.
01:13Well, so, what brings you to KACL?
01:17Well, I was in Paris last month, or was it Madrid?
01:21No, Paris.
01:23And I said to myself, that's enough gallivanting for you, young lady.
01:27It's time you get a job.
01:29So I flew home and asked my mother, Mummy,
01:32if I could nose around and see if some job, you know,
01:36spoke to me at one of her TV stations or radio stations or newspapers,
01:40but not her brewery, thank you very much.
01:45So here I am, sleeves rolled up, ready to learn.
01:49Well, good for you.
01:50Is this where you do your show?
01:51Yes, it is.
01:52Well, of course it is.
01:53There's your mic right in front of me.
01:55Eartha Poppy!
01:58Oh, there's Gail.
02:00I met him earlier.
02:01Hi, Gail!
02:03Um...
02:06Iceman, I think it's marvelous what you do to really help people.
02:13Unlike the psychiatrist I've been to,
02:15both of whom had some sort of, I don't know, narcolepsy.
02:20I sympathize.
02:21But if you can't stay awake, don't be a psychiatrist!
02:25And to do what you do, to face that microphone day after day
02:30and know that for the next three hours you're going to have to talk and talk and talk!
02:36I could not do it.
02:39I would freeze, literally freeze!
02:44Excuse me.
02:46Hello?
02:48Yes?
02:49Yes, Dad.
02:50All right, all right.
02:51Calm down, calm down.
02:52Was there much blood?
02:54Oh, my gosh!
02:56All right, Dad.
02:57I'll be there as soon as I can.
02:58Hang on a second.
02:59I'm terribly sorry.
03:00There's a small emergency at home.
03:02I'm going to have to pass on dinner.
03:03May I take a rain check?
03:05Oh, we were having such a nice chat!
03:07Yes, well, I...
03:08Oh, listen, this is Roz Doyle, my producer.
03:11You know, Roz, I'll gladly do those promos
03:13if you would be so kind as to take Poppy to dinner and answer her questions.
03:18Sure!
03:19If you don't get bored listening to me drone on about radio.
03:22Oh, I don't think there's much chance of that!
03:34Eddie, come on, get in here!
03:36Hey.
03:37What the hell's happening?
03:39Well...
03:42Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat, how proud I was?
03:45I told you that story, right?
03:46Yes, Dad, you told us.
03:47If it had a guitar, you'd have written a ballad.
03:51Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat.
03:54I said, go get him, boys.
03:56So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth,
03:58shaking the life out of him,
04:00I hear this little bell tinkling.
04:02And I thought, well, that's funny.
04:04Rats don't wear bells.
04:06Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
04:09Yes, I read that flyer.
04:11He was offering a $10 reward.
04:13Well, the most we can claim at this point is about $6.50.
04:17Oh, my. You know what, Dad?
04:19This is actually your fault.
04:21You know, if you hadn't encouraged him after he killed his first rat,
04:24he wouldn't have moved on to murdering hamsters.
04:26Well, what are you talking about?
04:28We don't know it was Eddie who killed him.
04:30He might have had a heart attack or some kind of seizure
04:33when he bounced off the boiler.
04:40I am prepared to poop like a sweepstakes winner.
04:43Sweepstakes winner. Cancel our dinner.
04:45I've scored us two seats front row for the event of the season.
04:48You mean...
04:49Yes.
04:50But...
04:51I know.
04:52Niles!
04:53I love it when they do it this way.
04:55I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.
04:59My God.
05:00No, Dad.
05:01It's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert.
05:03My God, it's been sold out for months.
05:05How on earth did you ever score these tickets?
05:07I simply phoned the box office and said,
05:09this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for The Monocle.
05:15The Monocle?
05:16Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people
05:19in all the snootiest apartment buildings?
05:21And the snootiest hotels.
05:24How did this happen, Niles?
05:26I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Swarbrecht.
05:29The pretentious fop who had the job before me
05:32was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein.
05:36Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed
05:39until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as overrated.
05:43I assume you're pounced.
05:45Like a ninja.
05:51By the time I'd finished with him, Olga could see
05:54I was a far better critic than that arrogant poser.
05:57She fired him right there?
05:59Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.
06:03Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.
06:06You know, who would have thought my little brother
06:09a professional music critic?
06:12Oh, and not just music. I can review anything I want.
06:15Theatre, dance, art exhibits.
06:17You don't say.
06:18Yes, from now on, wherever we go,
06:20I'll be armed with my trusty pad and penlight.
06:22Wherever we go.
06:24What fun.
06:26Yes.
06:27I have to take a damp cloth to these opera glasses.
06:30Although I don't know what we use them for,
06:32sitting in the front row.
06:34Unless it's to scan the faces of the jealous people behind us.
06:41So, are you sure you're okay
06:44with Niles getting this critic job?
06:47Why wouldn't I be, Dad?
06:48Oh, come on. I know what it's like with you two.
06:50When one of you gets something that the other one doesn't have,
06:53it's just like when you were kids.
06:55Niles had a telescope, you had to have a telescope.
06:58You got that funny-looking guitar.
07:00Niles had to get...
07:01It was called a lute.
07:02Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.
07:05Dad, believe me, I do not envy Niles his critic's job.
07:08But as kids, we would aggravate the situation
07:11by flaunting our toys in each other's faces.
07:13We're much more mature than that now.
07:16All right?
07:17Niles, you know what? It's about time we got going.
07:20We don't want to be late for the curtain.
07:22Don't be silly. I'm pressed now.
07:24They'll hold it.
07:29They'll hold it.
07:36So that's how it ends.
07:38B-minus average, ten extra pounds, and still no boyfriend.
07:45I see Poppy's having a little party.
07:48That is not a party.
07:50That's a hostage situation.
07:53Thank God today is her last day.
07:56This morning, she cornered me by the coffee machine
07:59and told me her whole life story.
08:02I just wanted to grab her by the throat
08:04and say, what am I, your biographer?
08:06Shut up!
08:08Dear God, I thought I'd never break free.
08:11I felt like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra.
08:21Hello, all.
08:23I see you already have the times.
08:25Who's there today?
08:27In the times?
08:29Yes, here. It's in this ad for Shaw St. Joan.
08:32Incandescent, Niles Crane, the monocle.
08:35Wow.
08:37Excuse me while I go tell all my friends I know you.
08:46Forgive me.
08:48Olga and I were up till all hours
08:50at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company.
08:55I'm rubbing some pretty impressive shoulders these days.
09:03I think it's all because I have a small column.
09:06That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation.
09:14If I were to review that attitude,
09:16I'd say it was a chilling portrait of malice and envy.
09:19Oh, Niles, I'm not the least bit envious
09:21that you get to spout off in that glorified cat box liner.
09:27You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours.
09:31That the arts community looks to me for my insight,
09:34my approval, my thumbs-up.
09:36I think we both know what your thumbs-up these days.
09:41That's a good one, Fraser.
09:43Perhaps you should use it in your column.
09:45Oh, that's right.
09:47You don't have one!
09:52That smug jackass!
09:56Fraser, you have a radio show.
09:59If you wanted to say what you thought of a play, who's stopping you?
10:02It's not the same thing as being a real critic, Roz.
10:06You don't get free tickets.
10:08You don't get quoted.
10:10Forget hobnobbing.
10:13My God, this competition between you and your brother is sick.
10:18You're obsessive one-upmanship.
10:20You're both going to end up bitter old cranks like Chester Ludgate.
10:24You know, you do raise a good point, Roz.
10:27Chester's time slot is free. I could do my own art show.
10:31Yes, Kenny, Kenny.
10:33Listen, Roz just had the most wonderful idea.
10:37Yeah, Doc?
10:38What do you say about yours truly
10:41hosting a bouncy little show about the arts in Seattle?
10:46Culture.
10:48Sure.
10:50Wow.
10:53It's a great idea.
10:55Let me chew on that, and I'll, uh...
10:57I'll get back to you.
10:58Great. See, Roz, he loved your idea.
11:00That was not my idea.
11:01It was still your idea.
11:03Doc, I feel kind of bad about what I just did.
11:07I let you think that there was a chance that I might let you do this culture show, and, uh...
11:13There's not.
11:16No chance at all?
11:18No.
11:20I mean, come on, Doc.
11:23You, culture, opera.
11:25Who's listening?
11:27Not me.
11:35Damn.
11:36I think my show's a good idea.
11:38Well, Kenny's the station manager, and he doesn't.
11:40Yes, but you know what? Frankly, I didn't like his attitude.
11:43He acts like he owns the station, but he doesn't.
11:46Someone else does.
11:48Poppy.
11:49The next best thing, her mother.
11:51No, Poppy.
11:54Hi, Frazier!
11:55Hello, Poppy.
11:56Gosh, would you care to join me?
11:58Oh, I can't. Mommy's taking me shopping.
12:00She spoils me something horrible.
12:03I guess it's an only child thing.
12:05Anything I want, I just have to ask.
12:08Anything you want.
12:10Oh, well, isn't that interesting?
12:11You know, Poppy, perhaps we could join each other for lunch
12:16after your shopping spree.
12:18I'd love it!
12:19Would you really?
12:20You know, it just seems a shame, you leaving the station
12:23and us never having really gotten to know one another.
12:26Oh, it hasn't been easy.
12:28I mean, with you having those dental appointments every day.
12:31Oh, yeah.
12:33Well, you know, let me walk you out.
12:36No, I should get the name of your dentist.
12:38I can't find one I like.
12:40He's helping me know if a pain when I don't need it
12:42and then it's hours before I can talk again.
12:44Oh, yes, well, I could give you his number,
12:47although I'm not sure he'd be any different.
13:01Divine Beethoven.
13:04It's extraordinary, isn't it?
13:06Oh, yes.
13:08And you know what makes it even more amazing?
13:11What?
13:13He was deaf!
13:23Daphne, more pate, please.
13:28Bobby, I can't tell you how wonderful it is
13:33to meet someone who shares my passion for the arts.
13:39It's a rare thing to find in Seattle, believe me.
13:43Is it?
13:44Oh, yes, sadly.
13:46If only more people were better informed
13:49about our city's rich cultural heritage.
13:53If only more people were better informed
13:56about our city's rich cultural treasures.
14:01But what can we, as mere radio folk, do?
14:07Well...
14:13What about a radio show
14:17all about the arts in Seattle?
14:20Oh, my God, Bobby, that's a wonderful idea.
14:23How do you do it?
14:25You just pull these things out of the air.
14:28Oh, heaven.
14:30Of course, we'll have to find ourselves a proper host.
14:34But who?
14:36Well, someone very smart.
14:38Oh, indeed.
14:39And cultured.
14:40Bien sûr.
14:42And with a lovely speaking voice.
14:45Oh, I don't think we need to look too far.
14:49The radio, it's very rich,
14:52so don't spread it on too thick.
14:57Frasier, I'm so glad you're on board with this.
15:01You know, my only concern is, will Kenny go for it?
15:06You see, he's a bit of a Philistine.
15:09It might be better if the suggestion came not actually from us,
15:13but from...
15:16someone else.
15:18Who?
15:20Well, someone with more authority, power, influence.
15:29Someone older.
15:33A woman, perhaps.
15:39Your mother. He means your mother.
15:43Great idea! I'll call her.
15:47Oh, here, here, use mine.
15:54Hello, Mummy.
15:56I'm with Frasier Crane,
15:58and we think there should be an art show on KACL.
16:05But I really like this idea.
16:08So you'll call Kenny and tell him you want this, okay?
16:13Love you, too.
16:15Okay, bye.
16:17And the first show should be...
16:19Why don't we start tomorrow?
16:21But we'll need something to review.
16:24That revival of A Streetcar Named Desire opens tonight.
16:27Splendid. Let's go together.
16:29All right, I'll see you at the theatre.
16:33Oh, Poppy!
16:34Hello, Winnow Eddie!
16:36Did you have a good walk?
16:41Actually, we've just been to the vet's.
16:44I had the cutest little dog when I was young named Mr. Oops.
16:48Every time we took him to the vet, he was...
16:55You took Eddie to the vet? He's so cute.
16:59You took Eddie to the vet? Is he sick?
17:02No, turns out the building security camera
17:05caught Eddie taking out Robbie Greenberg's hamster.
17:12So this Greenberg kid's trying to make Eddie out to be some kind of pit bull.
17:17He's organising some petition to get him banned from the building.
17:21Oh, Dad, that's terrible.
17:23Yeah, it is.
17:26I don't know. I just wanted everybody to see
17:29what a nice, calm, friendly dog Eddie was.
17:33Why'd you take him to the vet?
17:35Tranquilisers.
17:38They don't even work anyway.
17:40I gave Eddie one of those pills on the ride home.
17:43It didn't do a thing to him.
17:45I don't know. I think maybe he needs something else.
17:48Oh, Mr. Crane.
17:51Looks like all he needs is a lava lamp and some sitar music.
18:01Niles!
18:03Well, glad to see you're in a better mood.
18:06I was hoping you'd lend me your Tennessee Williams biography.
18:10I have to review that revival of Streetcar tonight
18:13and I wanted to throw in some background stuff.
18:15Well, I'm sorry, Niles.
18:17I'm sorry, Niles. No, normally I would,
18:19except that I'm going to be needing it myself in my own review.
18:22Oh, well, in that case, I'll...
18:27What?
18:29Oh, that's right. You wouldn't have heard.
18:31You see, starting tomorrow,
18:33I'll be doing my own little arts show on KACL twice weekly.
18:39You envious reptile.
18:41Pate?
18:43I achieve one thing, one tiny distinction you don't have,
18:46and what do you do? You run whining to Kenny for extra airtime.
18:49I did no such thing.
18:51No, he went to that Poppy woman instead.
18:53Poppy?
18:54Is this a panel discussion?
18:56You loathe Poppy.
18:57I do not. I think she's delightful, isn't she?
18:59She's an idiot.
19:03You conniving copycat.
19:05You have to have whatever I have.
19:07I do not have what you have.
19:09My audience is twice as large as yours is.
19:11Oh, well, at least my audience can read.
19:13How dare you review my audience?
19:16That's ridiculous.
19:18I've never seen him like this.
19:20Eyes bulging, tongue lolling out.
19:23Oh, he always gets that way when he fights with Niles.
19:31Good morning, Ros.
19:33Hi.
19:34You ready for our debut?
19:36Listen, I'm thinking of calling the show
19:38Frasier Crane's I'll Say,
19:40but with the I'll spelled like a theatre aisle.
19:44That should work real well on radio.
19:48You better watch out for Kenny.
19:50I hear he's pretty mad at you for going over his head.
19:52Oh, he can't be mad at me.
19:53The whole thing was Poppy's idea.
19:56Oh, here she is now.
19:57Come to wish me luck.
20:01Poppy?
20:02I was afraid I wouldn't get here on time.
20:04Here, here.
20:05We got a few minutes before the show starts.
20:07Take a seat.
20:08Catch your breath.
20:10Oh, gosh.
20:11I'm really glad you made it.
20:12You know, it wouldn't be a proper debut without you.
20:15Wow.
20:16All these buttons.
20:17How do you do it?
20:18Oh, it's not that complicated, really.
20:20You know, I turn on the mic here.
20:22These are my call buttons.
20:25Oh, I push this button here if I want to call.
20:29How does it make you cough?
20:36You know, Poppy, I hate to rush you,
20:38but we've just got a couple of minutes before the show starts.
20:41I better get a move on.
20:47Poppy, what are you doing?
20:49Getting ready for my show.
20:52One minute?
20:54Your show?
20:56Okay, our show.
20:58After all, it was your idea for me to do it.
21:03Everyone!
21:04Everyone, come in here, please!
21:07Before I begin my new show,
21:09I just want to say a few words.
21:12Yesterday, I was ready to leave KACL,
21:16to run away as I have from so many other challenges.
21:21It was the support of one man,
21:24Fraser Crane,
21:27that helped me overcome the shyness
21:29many of you may have observed in me,
21:32and to follow my dreams.
21:34And to follow my dreams.
21:38Oh, God.
21:40I want to cry.
21:42We all do.
21:46Ten seconds!
21:48Go!
21:53How could you do this to us?
21:55I had no idea she intended to stay.
21:58That's not what our mother told me.
22:00And I thought I'd seen some cool pranks in the army.
22:05I assure you, she is way out of her depth here.
22:08Any moment she realizes she's in over her head,
22:10she'll be begging me to come in there and take over for her.
22:13A Streetcar Named Desire
22:16is a very powerful Broadway play.
22:19It was made into a movie starring Marlon Brando.
22:23This gave the play a very personal relevance for me,
22:27as I once sat next to Mr. Brando on the Concord,
22:31and we had a very lovely chat
22:33until a sudden cramp forced him to change seats.
22:40Streetcar
22:42tells the tragic tale
22:45of Blanche Dubois,
22:48who's a very genteel,
22:50very proper southern lady.
22:56Or is she?
23:02A Streetcar Named Desire
23:20Go ahead, Niles. I know you were listening.
23:24Well...
23:26I wish you'd lent her your Tennessee Williams biography.
23:30She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name
23:32and calling him Indiana Jones.
23:41If it's any consolation,
23:43I got fired from the monocle.
23:48Niles, I'm sorry.
23:51I panned a wretched musical,
23:54not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
23:59She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?
24:02Electrolysist.
24:06And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress,
24:08you'd forgive her as I have.
24:12Oh, I am sorry, Niles.
24:14Gosh, it's such a shame, really.
24:16You know, I know how much you loved that job
24:18and to lose it in such an unceremonious fashion.
24:22Well, you know,
24:24I was thinking of quitting that job anyway.
24:27Oh?
24:29I felt I was spreading myself too thin,
24:32getting distracted from my real work.
24:35I had the exact same thought.
24:37Even as I was preparing my show,
24:38I thought, am I being fair to my regular listeners?
24:41They do depend on you.
24:42As do your patients.
24:45Gosh, you know, is it any wonder we find ourselves ex-critics?
24:49We were meant to lose those jobs.
24:51It's as if the gods of psychiatry,
24:53all three of us of our talents,
24:54have quietly stepped in and put things right.
24:58Well put.
24:59Oh, thank you.
25:01You know, Niles, if you're feeling a bit hungry,
25:03we could catch an early dinner and then, ooh, ooh,
25:05and then catch the new Stoppard play.
25:07Splendid!
25:09You know, it's just a shame my listeners
25:11never got to hear my review of Streetcar.
25:14Oh, insightful, but...
25:15Groundbreaking, as was mine.
25:17Yes, well, it takes a psychiatrist to interpret that play.
25:20Mm-hmm, indeed.
25:22All right, you go first.
25:23All right.
25:24A descent into madness.
25:25It's well worth the trip in this incandescent revival
25:28of a streetcar named desire.
25:30Just a moment, Niles.
25:31Incandescent?
25:32Incandescent.
25:33Is that the same car you're driving?
25:34That St. John movie?
25:35For God's sake.
25:39Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin',
25:42tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:46Oh, my.
25:48And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:51Well, maybe.
25:52But I got you picked.
25:54Ha, ha, ha, ha.
25:57But I don't know what to do
25:59with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:04They're callin' again.
26:07Thank you!