Frasier Season 5 Episode 12 The Zoo Story
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Well, well, look who's here. It's KACL's Frasier Craig.
00:07And Rosemary's BB.
00:11So, quite a little shake-up going on down at the station.
00:15I hear the new owner wants to renegotiate everyone's contract.
00:18And before you drop another gossamer hint, let me tell you that my feelings about you haven't changed.
00:23Hi. Actually, I'm here to meet one of my newer clients, a rising star of the Seattle Airways.
00:30Oh, really? What pathetic dupe have you lured into your web now?
00:34Ros.
00:37Oh, dear God.
00:39You just get off your feet, little mother. I'll fetch you a nice nourishing muffin.
00:46Morning.
00:52You signed with BB?
00:54Okay, I know. I should have told you. I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.
00:59I'm not going to give you a lecture.
01:01You're entitled to choose whomever you wish to represent you.
01:04Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would have raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula.
01:11Look, she's gotten me three voiceover jobs.
01:14She may be a little shifty, but she helps me put food on the table.
01:18One muffin.
01:20See?
01:22So, Ros, I had a brainstorm last night about how to turn this little bundle of joy into a big bundle of cash.
01:29I'm going to use my baby to make money?
01:32Yes, and it's high time the little slacker started pulling his weight.
01:36You know Dr. Clint Webber's medical show?
01:39Well, I see a daily segment called,
01:43A Pregnant, Paused, Ros Doyle's Term of Endearment.
01:49All of Seattle will share in the miracle happening inside you.
01:54Your joys, hopes, morning sickness, sonograms, even the birth.
01:59I'll give birth on the air?
02:01It's radio. Just make the noises.
02:04Hell, I'll make them myself.
02:09Need anything else here?
02:11Just a shower, thank you.
02:14You know, Mr. Integrity, word on the street is you still haven't hired anyone to negotiate this big deal for you.
02:21Could it be because in your heart you know you want to come back to me?
02:25Yes, but if I'm taking my time, it's because I'm determined to make the right choice.
02:29Well, you're going to need somebody good.
02:31That's exactly what I intend to find, someone good.
02:34I'm going to prove to both of you it's possible to find an agent who can drive a hard bargain,
02:39and yet maintain the highest ethical standards.
02:42Happy hunting.
02:45If things don't work out, you know my number.
02:49Still 666, is it?
02:55Hello, Dad. Looks like we had a little mix-up last night with our bags at the video store.
03:00Believe me, I noticed.
03:02Yes, sir.
03:04At first I was dismayed. I popped in the tape and there was Charles Bronson blowing away street trash, but...
03:12I actually got into it. It was quite suspenseful.
03:15Well, that's the way Duke and I felt about my dinner with Andre.
03:21Talk about suspense.
03:23Will I order dessert?
03:26Will I leave a good tip?
03:30Oh, hello, Dad. Oh, uh...
03:32Fraser, I'm sorry to trouble you about this, but could you recommend another couple's therapist?
03:37Good Lord, not again.
03:39What happened to Dr. Prescott?
03:41Oh, please. Maris had me can Dr. Prescott weeks ago.
03:44Now she wants me to fire Dr. Wilfong.
03:46What's her problem with him?
03:48She says his criticism of her is too harsh.
03:51Well, some therapists can be rather blunt and hard-hitting. What did he say?
03:56Did he ask her to refrain from catalogue shopping during our sessions?
04:02You know, Niles, if you fire every therapist that finds fault with her, you're never going to make any progress.
04:08You're right, of course.
04:10I'll just tell her, we're not going to change therapists. That's that.
04:13Good. You know, sometimes there's nothing more rewarding than sticking to a principle.
04:19Case in point, you know, my contract's coming up and, uh...
04:23Well, P.B. Glaser's been angling to negotiate my new one.
04:27Anyway, I could have done the easy thing, said yes, taken the money and run.
04:31But instead, I said no, and I found myself a new agent.
04:36One who's every bit as smart and also ethical.
04:39Hmm.
04:40That's him now.
04:42Well, I don't know what kind of bull that guy sold you, but there's no such thing as an ethical agent.
04:47One's just as slimy as the other.
04:51Hello, Ben.
04:52Hi. Sorry I'm late.
04:54I was making my last meals on wheels delivery and I swerved to avoid a pigeon.
05:01You know, splat went the food all over the stuffed bears for the toy drive.
05:06But I had to run home, throw the bears in the wash and cook some more borscht for Mrs. Popov.
05:14I'm glad you made it. Anyway, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
05:18It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry I'm running out.
05:20Oh.
05:21Certainly a refreshing change from Frasier's last agent.
05:24I think she would have swerved to hit the pigeon.
05:27No, she would have swerved to hit Mrs. Popov.
05:32Ben, I'd like you to meet my dad, Martin.
05:34Oh, and this is his home health care worker, Daphne.
05:37Daphne, this is Ben, my new agent.
05:39Oh, very nice to meet you.
05:40Nice to meet you.
05:41Yeah, sounds like you're a pretty busy volunteer.
05:43Oh, yes indeed. You know, Ben just won this year's Seattle Samaritan Award.
05:48Enough about me. Let's talk about you.
05:50May I?
05:51Please.
05:52I was thinking that before we start this negotiation, it wouldn't hurt to raise your public profile.
05:58I like the sound of that.
05:59Okay, here's my plan.
06:00For a year now, I've done pro bono work for the Mercer Island Zoo.
06:04You know, getting the word out, creating awareness.
06:06There's a zoo on Mercer Island?
06:09You betcha.
06:11This would be great PR for both of you.
06:13They just bought a rare crane.
06:16I convinced them to name it after you.
06:19You know, Frazier Crane.
06:21So, there'll be a ceremony with full newspaper and TV coverage.
06:25I think it's brilliant.
06:27I'm bolstering my bargaining position and also helping out a plucky little zoo.
06:32I love this man.
06:34I think it would be fun to have a crane named after me.
06:37I just love those big pouchy mouths.
06:39They scoop up the fish.
06:42I think those are pelicans.
06:44Oh, right.
06:46Cranes are the ones who always sound like they're laughing.
06:50No, wait.
06:51I'm thinking of loons.
06:54That's a coincidence.
06:57Oh, shoot.
07:00Got borscht on my sleeve.
07:02Do you have any club sorrow?
07:03Oh, yeah. Right through here.
07:05Oh, thank you.
07:09Frazier, you told me this was a pretty big deal.
07:11Are you sure you want to send in that mouseketeer?
07:13Why does everybody assume that in order to be an agent,
07:16you have to be some sort of unscrupulous huckster?
07:19It is possible for a good and decent man to be every bit as intimidating
07:23as the toughest shark out there.
07:25Well, time to skedaddle.
07:29I have to pick up a friend.
07:31The poor guy just went bankrupt.
07:33I'm letting him bunk in our rumpus room for a while.
07:35Well, that's awfully generous of him.
07:37Well, he's not just a friend. He's a client.
07:50And then the press and the board members will join us in here for a little buffet.
07:55So I finish my speech and then I give Mr. Trembley here the cue
07:59and he brings out this marvelous creature.
08:03Just give me the signal.
08:05Oh, this is great. Look at this.
08:07Turkey, chicken wings.
08:09Hey, gotta make you a little nervous, huh?
08:13Look, it's Toffee Makito from the news. I just love that.
08:17Yes, really?
08:18Frazier.
08:20Toffee, thank you for covering us.
08:22Oh, you know my motto.
08:24If it happens in Seattle, it's news to me.
08:28Listen, I'd like you to meet one of your biggest fans, Daphne Moon.
08:31Hello.
08:33I just love the way you get all somber when you describe a flood or a murder.
08:38Then you cheer right up the minute you're done.
08:42Makes me think, well, if she can get over it, so can I.
08:47That's what I'm here for.
08:49Ready to greet your public?
08:50Well, uh, yes. Come on, Dad.
08:54Boy, you see what maternal instincts this woman has.
08:58Even little Bobo here can sense it.
09:00Well, I can see I'm not the only one getting some publicity today.
09:04Frazier, they must start pretty soon.
09:06Oh, Ben, Ben, just a moment. I'd like you to meet some people.
09:09This is Bebe and Rox.
09:11And this is Ben, my new agent.
09:14Hi.
09:15Hi, Ben.
09:16Hey, talk about your small world.
09:17Turns out Mr. Twimley and I both sang tenor for the same choir back home in Salt Lake City.
09:22Nice meeting you, ladies.
09:25Well, when there's a dirty job to be done, you can't go wrong with a Mormon.
09:33Scoff all you like. The man is a genius at PR.
09:40Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
09:42On behalf of the Mercer Island Zoo, I would like to welcome our very special guest, Dr. Frazier Crane.
09:53Thank you, Mr. Twimley.
09:58I suppose it's only appropriate that the zoo has called upon me to introduce you all to its newest resident.
10:05You see, he happens to be a relative of mine.
10:13Hey, what are you looking at?
10:15This is human food. You don't see me looking at your bird food, do you?
10:23What do you think you're doing, huh? That's not very nice.
10:26Oh, wait, wait. No, no, no.
10:28No, wait! Where are you going?
10:31We're both tall and have distinctive profiles.
10:35We've both been known to winter in Mexico.
10:39And let's not forget our voices.
10:43Is there anything as stirring as the crane's majestic cry?
10:48Yeah!
10:51Dad, are you all right?
10:53What's happening?
10:55Oh, good Lord. Oh, my goodness.
10:57What is going on?
10:59I'm sorry. Don't be alarmed about it.
11:02Just a little family squabble.
11:11In a shocking and gruesome incident this afternoon,
11:14the Mercer Island Zoo seemed more like the island of Dr. Moreau.
11:19And the disabled senior citizen was savagely attacked by Frasier Craig, the bird of prey.
11:27I can't watch any more of this.
11:29Well, that makes us even. I can't hear any of it.
11:31Oh, you weren't hurt that badly.
11:33Of course, you wouldn't know that to listen to Toffee.
11:35She makes the whole thing sound like a disaster.
11:37I know. But did you see the way she could smile right after?
11:43Lord, this entire affair has turned into a PR nightmare.
11:47Well, it's your own fault for hiring Howdy Doody as your agent.
11:54Dad, I'm sorry. Ben had no idea that bird was going to attack you.
11:59Besides, there is a school of thought that says there's no such thing as bad publicity.
12:05Frasier, I was just hearing about you on the car radio.
12:08A DJ was offering a cash prize for the best Frasier Crane joke.
12:12Wait, what was the front-runner? Oh, yes.
12:14How can you tell Frasier the Crane is a psychiatrist?
12:17I can't wait to hear.
12:19He ignores what you say, then sticks you with a large bill.
12:25I can't wait to hear.
12:27He ignores what you say, then sticks you with a large bill.
12:35You must forgive my jolly mood, but Maris was over tonight for our weekly conjugal visit.
12:43Oh, jeez.
12:46I've never seen her look so seductive.
12:49She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings,
12:53which she tends to avoid if they make her head droop.
12:58She pulled me down upon the bed, began playing my spine like a zither,
13:03and then just as things were heating up, she renewed her request that I dismiss Dr. Wilfong.
13:09So tremulous with desire was I that I almost relented.
13:13But then I remembered your advice, Frasier,
13:16and I said I wouldn't fire the good doctor,
13:19at which point Maris told me I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future.
13:27And she left.
13:29Niles, withholding sex can be just as difficult on Maris. She may crumble first.
13:33Are you serious?
13:36One hour of passion can sustain her for months.
13:40She stores it up like some sexual camel.
13:45All right, Niles. You know that my advice was solid.
13:49I hope you're right.
13:51Don't get it.
13:54Hello. Oh, hello, Roz. Roz, thank you.
14:00Roz, hello. Yes, what is it?
14:02It's a striking arrangement.
14:04It's from Bebe. After what happened today, she's trying to woo him back.
14:09Birds of Paradise, I suppose that's her idea of floral irony.
14:16Yes, well, uh, thanks for the warning, Roz.
14:20Bye-bye.
14:21What's that about?
14:24It turns out that the station manager won't be renegotiating the contract himself.
14:29Apparently he's brought in one of these hired guns stations use to reduce costs.
14:35Some fellow nicknamed the Hammer.
14:38I'm assuming they call him the Hammer because he's tough.
14:41No, Niles, because he loves the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein.
14:46You know, Frasier, if I were you, I'd give Bebe a call.
14:50Now, I'm no fan of hers either, but this is a pretty big negotiation.
14:54No, Def, I am sticking with Ben.
14:57Oh, sure, maybe Bebe could use her dark arts to get me a dollar or two more,
15:02but, you know, my integrity is worth more than that.
15:05Hello, Ben.
15:06Hey, big guy, how you doing?
15:08Well, I'm fine.
15:09Good.
15:11Boy, people sure are being mean about this.
15:14I was just listening to the radio on the way over.
15:17Ouch.
15:18But I always say, if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
15:22That's the spirit, so you've got some sort of damage control plan.
15:25You betcha.
15:26I got a way to turn this whole mess around and show that station manager just what you're made of.
15:30Excellent.
15:31But you won't be dealing with him, you'll be dealing with this freelancer they call the Hammer.
15:35Hoo boy.
15:39You got up against him?
15:40Oh, yes.
15:42I had to take a pretty firm line with him.
15:44Well, I'm glad to hear that.
15:46Yeah, I finally said, you just clean up your language, pal.
15:49I walked out of that mammoth play, I can walk out on you.
15:58So, uh, about your plan.
16:00Yeah, right.
16:01Um, I think there's a way to show people you're laughing right along with them.
16:06You know, you do a photo-op where you, Seattle's best-loved psychiatrist, give the crane therapy.
16:12You know, you sit in a chair with a pad on your lap, and the crane, properly sedated, of course, sits on this.
16:29Where on earth did you find a couch that size?
16:32I built it myself.
16:33I have a little workshop in my attic where I make toys for the neighborhood kids.
16:39Look at you.
16:41Agent, Samaritan, elf.
16:46Dad, I like this idea.
16:48Stroll and self-marking, it's the perfect way to turn a PR embarrassment into a triumph.
16:55Great.
16:56Well, uh, set up the photo-op.
16:58And don't you be nervous about the hammer, all right?
17:00Because I can be a pretty tough customer myself.
17:03I'm sure that you can.
17:04I know you're gonna go in there and you're gonna give him hell.
17:06Boy, I love chauffeur, but I'll never get used to the cursing.
17:29Latte, please.
17:31Hey, didn't I see your picture in the paper today?
17:35There was a big bird chasing you around a little couch.
17:46Latte, please.
17:52Well, I think you have a real case against the maker of those crane sedatives.
17:57I just wish they'd name the damn bird after somebody else.
18:03Gregory Peck, perhaps.
18:09Thank you for the sympathy.
18:11You're not the only one who's going through a rough patch.
18:14Maris has strained my libido to the breaking point.
18:17Miles, you can't give in.
18:19I'm getting there.
18:21I've strained my libido to the breaking point.
18:23Miles, you can't give in.
18:25I'm getting desperate.
18:27This morning, I found myself flirting with my manicurist.
18:30The one with the thing on her face?
18:32I told you I'm desperate.
18:37What can be keeping Ben?
18:39After all this, you're still using Ben?
18:42Shouldn't you just go back to BB?
18:45I see what you're doing.
18:47You think if I bail out of my principles, it gives you an excuse to go cruelly back to Maris.
18:50Well, I'm not going to do it.
18:52Ben may have made some mistakes, but he is a good man.
18:55He's going to make me a good deal.
18:57Gil!
18:59How did it go with the hammer?
19:01You've never seen such cold, dead eyes.
19:05It was like bargaining with Nosferatu.
19:10My salary's been slashed.
19:12Oh, I'm sorry.
19:14Can I do anything else for you?
19:16Yes, would you mind nibbling on this provocatively?
19:18Minus!
19:24We're fine, thank you.
19:28I wish you good luck, Frasier.
19:31I didn't see anybody squeezing blood from that stone.
19:34Latte's for everyone!
19:38Dear God, don't tell me you did well.
19:41I got a weekly spot on Clint Weber's show and a 30% raise.
19:46How on earth did you get all that?
19:48Oh, we go way back, the hammer and I.
19:51I know where the bodies are buried.
19:55Usually, that's just a metaphor.
20:01So, Gil, what do you have? My treat.
20:04I think I'll be happier at the loser's table with Aunt Penny, the story lady.
20:09Penny! Don't put that flask away!
20:16Oh, congratulations, Roz.
20:20Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for Ben.
20:22We have to discuss our bargaining position.
20:24Oh, there's so many to choose from.
20:27Kneeling, crawling, groveling.
20:29I'm sure he'll pick the right one.
20:33God, she is obnoxious!
20:36You're alluring and a buxom bad girl, kind of.
20:42Oh, shut up, you horny idiot!
20:47Ben! Ben!
20:49My bandage seems a little loose.
20:51Ben gets here, just tell him I went in to fix it.
21:05Frasier, we have to talk.
21:07Are you aware that you are in the men's room?
21:10Oh, please, if I paid attention to signs with little pictures on them,
21:14I'd never get a parking space.
21:21Now, it's time we both dropped the masks.
21:23You need me and I want you back.
21:26Just sign this contract, I'll cut you a deal and make Roz's look like lunch money.
21:32Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?
21:39You want to see a carcass, chum?
21:41Look in the mirror.
21:43Look what you've let that man do to you.
21:45Your face is riddled with bird bites,
21:48your name's a punchline
21:50and your career is five minutes from over
21:53and he's only been your agent for three days.
22:01Send him in against the hammer
22:03and you'll be doing fog reports from a lighthouse in Puget Sound.
22:09Admit it, you're scared.
22:12Maybe I am scared.
22:16There's one thing that's stronger than fear.
22:18Faith.
22:20Faith that a good man with a good heart can make a good deal.
22:24Now get out of my way.
22:26No, I won't let you.
22:28You know what I've been through building your career?
22:31I have been to hell and back so often I frequent flyer miles.
22:37You owe me a second chance.
22:40Take your tentacles off of me.
22:46Faith, I won't be the same baby you knew.
22:49I'll change.
22:51I'll be like Ben.
22:54Only competent.
22:59Darling.
23:01You forgot to sign.
23:03Oh, you've reconciled.
23:04Congratulations.
23:06I'll just be off to Maris's.
23:07Sit down, Niles.
23:09I'm still with Ben.
23:11Ben!
23:12I'm sorry I'm late.
23:13I took my son's troop when I made your hike
23:15and little Noah got a bee sting
23:17so I rushed him to the emergency room
23:19then I came straight here.
23:20It's all right.
23:21We've got five minutes.
23:22Excuse me.
23:23Now, Fraser, you know BB can make you a better deal.
23:27Listen to Roz.
23:28Listen to Niles.
23:29I am not listening to any of you.
23:31My God, am I the last man on God's green earth?
23:35The last man on God's green earth
23:37that's still willing to stand up for a principal?
23:39Should we go over those demands for old Mr. Hammer?
23:51Ben, could we have a word?
23:55Hello, Maris.
24:06Listen, I don't think it's news to you
24:07that things haven't been going so...
24:10smoothly with us.
24:13I think I'd feel more comfortable...
24:16with BB.
24:18I know this must seem a bit of a shock to you, but...
24:21Heck no.
24:22I saw this coming.
24:24Yesterday when you threw that little couch at me
24:26I thought to myself,
24:27this is not a happy client.
24:32Thanks for understanding, Jim.
24:36Check.
24:37Check!
24:43Sign right here, darling.
24:47Now, I'm holding you at left promise about changing.
24:50Won't stand for any more shady doings.
24:53Those days are all behind me.
24:55Once we've worked on this thing with the Hammer,
24:57maybe you can see what you can do
24:58about diffusing this bird situation.
25:01Oh, you don't have to worry about the crane anymore.
25:03Poor thing choked to death this morning.
25:06They have no idea who would feed a bird a jawbreaker.
25:11Bye now.
25:30BB...
25:31BB...
25:33Is there any chance it wasn't you?
25:36Oh, darling.
25:42There's always a chance.
25:48I can live with that.
25:54Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:56Toss salads and scrambled eggs
26:00Mercy
26:02And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:05Well, maybe
26:06But I got you pegged
26:11But I don't know what to do
26:13With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:18They're calling again
26:21Goodnight, Seattle, we love you!