Frasier Season 4 Episode 1 The Two Mrs Crane S

  • 2 months ago
Frasier Season 4 Episode 1 The Two Mrs Crane S

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00:00Now, what are you doing?
00:14This fruit nut muffin contains a number of things I don't care for.
00:18Currents, a husk of something, a way wrinkly thing.
00:28Now, if you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm going to miss these tranquil mornings.
00:34I'm reading my newspaper, you tweezing your muffin.
00:41Hey, boys.
00:42Oh, John.
00:43Hey, I got a letter from my old army pal, Bud Barrow.
00:46The whole platoon's getting together next weekend in Rattlesnake Ridge.
00:50Ah, good for you.
00:52Oh, speaking of old chums, Daphne, Clive called for you a little earlier.
00:58Clive?
01:00Did he sound British?
01:01No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives.
01:08He said he'd call back.
01:09Yeah, I'll bet he will.
01:11Oh, boy, I can't wait to see the whole gang.
01:14Well, Dad, you're not thinking of driving all the way to Rattlesnake Ridge.
01:17It's five hours away.
01:18You know how your hip stiffens up.
01:20No problem.
01:21They said I can bring a guest.
01:23So, who's the lucky one?
01:27By my count, two of us get to be lucky.
01:30Come on, they're great guys.
01:33Stinky, Wolfman, Boom Boom, Jim.
01:37Of course, his name's not really Jim.
01:39We call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam.
01:41Just like we call Hank Bud because he drinks Budweiser.
01:44Come on, you'd love these guys.
01:47If you're a sherry drinker's dad, think about it.
01:54Anyway, I have a conference that weekend.
01:56And I have my friend Megan's birthday party.
01:59Fridge?
02:01Oh, please, let that be Megan needing a clown for her party.
02:09Hello?
02:12Oh, Clive.
02:15Yes, it has been a long time, hasn't it?
02:20Oh, I am sorry.
02:22I have dinner plans tonight.
02:25Well, maybe just a drink then.
02:28Say 6.30?
02:31Me too.
02:33Bye.
02:36Oh, hell.
02:38So, who is this Clive?
02:41An ex-boyfriend?
02:43Worse. Ex-fiancée.
02:46You were engaged?
02:48For years.
02:50Oh, we were mad for each other.
02:52He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw.
02:57But?
02:58Oh, yes, that too.
03:06I just couldn't see a future with him.
03:09I mean, the man was a total layabout.
03:11No ambition, no drive.
03:13He couldn't hold a job.
03:15All he wanted to do was tinker about with his car.
03:18His hands were always black from the motor oil.
03:21And a brutish habit.
03:23If God had intended me to work on my Mercedes,
03:25he wouldn't have given me Horst.
03:29I had to break it off.
03:31But I wanted to let him down easily,
03:34so I said if we were still free in five years,
03:37we could try again.
03:39And here he is.
03:41Right on schedule.
03:43What do I say to him?
03:45Well, be honest. Tell him how you feel.
03:47What, to break the poor thing's heart all over again?
03:50In the long run, honesty is the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish.
03:54Well, case in point.
03:56Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend,
03:59but I do not intend to spend it
04:01in the middle of nowhere with Budweiser and Boilermaker
04:05and their liver-damaged friend Seltzer.
04:10Well, that's fine.
04:12There'll be other reunions.
04:14Lazy, no evasions, no convenient conferences,
04:17just simple honesty.
04:19First, I don't suppose Jim'll make it next time.
04:22Says here he just had his third bypass.
04:25But I guess I'll see him at his funeral.
04:27Off to work.
04:29Unless I go first!
04:31Oh, right. I'll drive you to your stupid reunion.
04:34Thanks, son.
04:36I guess I'd better wait a few days
04:38to tell him about Stinky needing a ride.
04:50And in closing, this goes out to Keith,
04:53the narcoleptic I spoke to earlier.
04:56I'd be glad to resume our conversation
04:58when you feel a bit more alert, but in the meantime,
05:02I suggest that you reconsider applying
05:04for that air traffic control position.
05:09This is Dr. Fraser Crane, KACL 780 AM.
05:14Brilliant show, Fraser.
05:16Chock full of pithy insight.
05:18What do you want?
05:19A favor.
05:21Bonnie Weems, the auto lady,
05:23just asked me to another one of her wretched dinner parties.
05:26Well, I'm planning on saying that you and I
05:28have ballet tickets that night, so do back me up.
05:31I'm sorry, I can't.
05:33Oh, you've got to.
05:34You have any idea how vile her food is?
05:37The local raccoons have posted warning signs on her trash bin.
05:43She shortly invited me and I told her
05:45I was driving my father to his army reunion
05:47at Rattlesnake Ridge.
05:49Oh, very clever.
05:50Well, I'd use it myself,
05:52only I killed my father off to escape her Labor Day clambake.
05:58Oh, uh, Roz, listen,
06:00I'm going to the opera tomorrow night.
06:02You don't happen to remember to bring my...
06:04Oh, your opera glasses.
06:06I'm so sorry, they completely slipped my mind.
06:09I wouldn't really mind if you hadn't borrowed them
06:11to ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
06:14Slipped once or twice.
06:18It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox
06:20so I could look up his number and call him while he's in the shower
06:23so I could watch him cross the room naked
06:25to answer the phone from the picture window.
06:28That would be wrong.
06:31I want them back.
06:32I refuse to squint through Pagliacci
06:34while you're trying to watch the magic flute.
06:44Dr. Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit.
06:48I wanted something that sent no romantic signals whatsoever.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:57Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you captured it.
07:03You know, Daphne, it's been five years.
07:06It's not a long time to carry a torch.
07:08Maybe he just wants to say hello.
07:10Oh, I certainly hope so.
07:12The thought of having to reject the poor thing again
07:14is more than I can bear.
07:16DOORBELL RINGS
07:18Oh, dear, it's him.
07:20Anything between me teeth?
07:22No.
07:23Do we have any spinach in the fridge?
07:25Just answer the door.
07:33Oh, Dr. Crane, I was afraid you were Clive.
07:37Clive. Oh, Clive.
07:39Oh! Was that tonight?
07:43Oh, well, don't I feel silly
07:45bringing over this thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle?
07:52Miles, I'm sure that Daphne doesn't want us
07:54horning in on her reunion. We're going to dinner.
07:56Well, can't we order in?
07:58I've already assembled one kitten and two yarn balls.
08:04I'm getting my jacket.
08:06DOORBELL RINGS
08:09Miles, for God's sake, will you give them some privacy?
08:23Hello.
08:25Hello.
08:27Look at you. You look wonderful.
08:29Oh, go on.
08:31No, no, I mean it.
08:33Very pretty and warm.
08:38So?
08:40So...
08:46Oh, God. What?
08:48I've got the spot of axle grease on your sweater.
08:50No, it's all right, really.
08:52It's just a ratty old thing.
08:54Please, come in.
08:57Same old Clive, I see.
08:59I suppose so.
09:02So...
09:04what brings you to Seattle?
09:06My undying love for you.
09:08Oh, damn! I meant to lead up to that.
09:10Sorry.
09:12No, it's all right. Just a bit...
09:15Abrupt.
09:17How are you? No nice place you have here.
09:20By the way, it is lovely.
09:22Is that the space needle?
09:24Clive.
09:26Big.
09:28Anyway, I remember what you told me five years ago,
09:32and I thought my feelings might change.
09:35Five years is a long time, but...
09:38Oh, Clive.
09:40No, no, let me finish.
09:42My feelings for you haven't changed.
09:44Clive has to go every day, every night,
09:47and there comes a time in every man's life
09:49when he's got to summon up the courage
09:51to look a woman straight in the eye and say,
09:53Cheese nips?
10:01I'm sorry, is this a bad moment?
10:03Well, actually...
10:05No, no, not at all.
10:07Um, well, this is my very dear old friend,
10:11Clive Roddy.
10:13You're lucky to meet Dr. Niles Crane,
10:17my husband.
10:25Your husband?
10:27Oh, yes. Six months next week.
10:31Well, congratulations.
10:34You're a very lucky man.
10:43Six months?
10:45You two are practically newlyweds.
10:47Yes. We're still at that honeymoon stage.
10:50It's sickening, really.
10:57Revolting.
11:03Positively stomach-turning.
11:06Darling.
11:07Well, or should we go?
11:09No! I mean...
11:12We're so enjoying having you here.
11:17I did promise you a drink.
11:19Oh, well, I suppose I could stay for a beer.
11:22Oh, good.
11:24Darling, would you give me a hand in the kitchen, please?
11:27Certainly, my angel.
11:33Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry.
11:36It seemed the kindest way to let him down.
11:39I didn't mean to put you in such an awkward position.
11:42When it comes to you, no position is too awkward.
11:49Oh, hello.
11:51You must be Clive.
11:53Yeah. And you're...?
11:54Dr. Frasier Crane.
11:55Oh, Niles' brother.
11:57Yes. You've met Niles?
11:59Just now.
12:01Though I used to know his wife quite well.
12:05Really? You know his wife?
12:09She's one of a kind, that one.
12:11Isn't she?
12:16Certainly can light up a room.
12:18Oh, yes. Usually by leaving it.
12:23Frasier!
12:24Clive!
12:26I see you've met my husband's brother.
12:29Yeah. I'm not intruded on sometimes.
12:32Yeah. I'm not intruded on some family occasion, am I?
12:35Oh, no, not at all.
12:37Frasier lives here.
12:39I mean, temporarily.
12:41You see, he's...
12:42He's had a spat with his wife.
12:47Maris.
12:54Sorry to hear that.
12:56Yes, me too.
12:59You know, Daphne, on parts,
13:01could you show me again where we keep the wine?
13:05Of course.
13:07Could you spare me a minute?
13:09Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait.
13:10You have to pay the love toll.
13:16Too much. Here's your change.
13:19Can you stay for dinner?
13:24I told you to be honest.
13:26But if you listen, no.
13:27No, instead you subject us to this ridiculous charade.
13:30Just play along, please.
13:32I swear.
13:33One drink and he's out the door.
13:35He's staying for dinner.
13:36What?
13:38Well, how did that happen?
13:40He just sort of invited himself in.
13:42I don't know.
13:45Well, how did that happen?
13:47He just sort of invited himself.
13:48Pretty damn cheeky, if you ask me.
13:52Oh, dear God.
13:53Obviously, he has hopes of winning you back.
13:56We must keep these displays of affection as realistic as possible.
14:02What will I serve?
14:04Do we still have that lasagna?
14:05Daphne, you don't expect me to endure an entire evening of this nonsense.
14:08Just do this for me, and anything you want, name anything, it's yours.
14:13Anything?
14:16Except Rattlesnake Ridge.
14:18Oh, Clive!
14:20Oh, right, I'll take him.
14:22Lasagna all right for dinner?
14:24Super.
14:27I'm warning you.
14:28One thing goes wrong and the whole deal's off.
14:31Oh, nothing can go wrong.
14:32We just have to stick to our stories and avoid any unnecessary complications.
14:36Ah, see we've got company.
14:39Dad!
14:40Dad!
14:41Dad!
14:44Dad!
14:46Oh, Clive.
14:48I'd like you to meet my new husband's father.
14:52Or as we sometimes say in this country, father-in-law.
14:58I'm Clive Roddy.
14:59Hi, Marty Crane.
15:02Somebody tell me...
15:04Oh, Daphne, we've been so remiss.
15:06We haven't even given Clive the tour.
15:08Oh, yes, quite right.
15:10Well, this is the living room.
15:12Well, I think he'd be more interested in the master bathroom.
15:17The shower being so large and Manchester being so rainy.
15:24Right this way.
15:25There you go.
15:27Oh, oh, you forgot to pay the toll.
15:29Oh, never mind.
15:34All right, now go away.
15:35What? Go where? What the hell's going on here?
15:38Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend.
15:40She's trying to let him down easily by pretending to be married to Niles.
15:43So this is my place.
15:45Fraser's staying here temporarily because he's separated from Meris.
15:49You couldn't stand her either, huh?
15:58That's very amusing.
16:01Do I still live here?
16:03Well, yes, of course you do.
16:04But I think for this evening it might be best if you just excused yourself.
16:07You see, it requires quick thinking and improvisational skills
16:10and a knack for remembering details.
16:12Well, I'll never use any of those skills as an undercover cop.
16:15Oh, please, Dad, don't be offended.
16:17I'm not offended.
16:18No, my two sons just said I have oatmeal for brains.
16:23So, Daphne tells me you're both psychiatrists.
16:26Yes.
16:27Fascinating.
16:28Are you a psychiatrist as well, Marty?
16:31Oh, no, no, I'm retired.
16:33And what do you do?
16:36I was an astronaut.
16:44Really?
16:46Oh, you actually flew space missions?
16:48Yeah, a few.
16:49Me and Neil Armstrong.
16:51Buzz Aldrin.
16:53Yeah, I was the one who gave him his nickname, Buzz, you know.
16:57Yeah, most people think it's because he flew fast.
16:59Not true.
17:01He was scared of bees.
17:05DOORBELL RINGS
17:24Who is it?
17:26Open up, Frasier, it's me.
17:28What do you know? It's Maris.
17:36Here are your stupid opera glasses.
17:40Are we friends again?
17:42Darling!
17:44We're married.
17:45What?
17:46We're married.
17:47What?
17:48Play along.
17:49Well, their little tiff's over.
17:51Maris Crane, this is Mr. Clive Roddy.
17:56It's a pleasure.
17:57It certainly is.
18:00So, how long will you be in Seattle?
18:02Cupcake?
18:04If you'd excuse us, we could use a moment alone.
18:07Just come with me, darling.
18:09Well, so, now you've met the whole Crane clan.
18:12Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book you're still listed as Moon.
18:17Ah, that must be an old book.
18:19Now she hyphenates.
18:20It's Moon Crane.
18:24Remember the first time I ever drove a Moon Crane?
18:28Daphne rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.
18:35So, Clive, what do you do?
18:38Still mucking about with cars, I see.
18:41Oh, me hands? No.
18:43I helped a lady change a tire on the way over here.
18:47Don't have as much time for cars as I used to.
18:49What with my business and all.
18:52Your business?
18:53Yeah.
18:54Well, after you left, I remember the advice you used to give me,
18:57and I decided some of it made sense.
18:59What advice?
19:00Oh, you know, uh, get a job, you lazy git.
19:03That sort of thing.
19:05So I took a few business courses,
19:07and I opened up a little sportin' goods shop.
19:10Next thing you know, I had three of them.
19:12Well, isn't this ironic?
19:16All these years, I nagged him to make something of himself,
19:21and now look at him.
19:23A captain of industry, and still as handsome as ever.
19:28Yes.
19:29Well, send in the clowns.
19:34Don't bother, they're here.
19:37Well, bad news.
19:39It seems my marriage has to...
19:41Well, bad news.
19:43It seems my marriage has to run off.
19:45She's got a previous engagement.
19:47Oh, forget about your engagement, Mary.
19:49Stay for dinner.
19:51Actually...
19:52I'd love to.
19:53Lovely.
19:54We can celebrate you two being reconciled.
19:57That is still tentative.
20:00It could go either way.
20:05Oh, hello there.
20:08What's his name?
20:12Eddie.
20:15Eddie.
20:20So there I was, floatin' 20 feet up in the chamber,
20:25when some idiot turns off the weightless button,
20:28and down I come right on this big pickaxe we use for moon rocks.
20:35You still walk with a cane.
20:38Que sera, sera.
20:41Well, I'd better turn in, boys.
20:43Don't forget your warm glass of tang.
20:50It was an honor meeting you, Commander.
20:52Yeah, I had fun too.
20:55Well, good night all.
20:56Good night, Dad.
20:58Delicious meal, Dufty.
21:00Can't remember the last time I ate so much.
21:03Well, that explains your fantastic physique.
21:07Yes, you are looking wonderfully firm.
21:12You still have that little tummy.
21:14Do you work out?
21:16When I can.
21:18Actually, my shops keep me pretty busy.
21:20Daphne and I have our own little exercise regimen.
21:23We work up quite a sweat, don't we, darling?
21:29I can't get over it.
21:31It's like you're a whole different person.
21:36Well, who's for coffee?
21:38I'll give you a hand.
21:44Would you please tell Ros to stop flirting?
21:47Has she forgotten she's a married woman?
21:49Oh, you're one to talk.
21:50If you battered your eyelashes any harder, you'd blow out the candles.
21:55You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
21:58You wouldn't.
21:59Oh, wouldn't I?
22:01And by the way, Stinky needs a ride.
22:04Ooh!
22:09And according to your love line, oh, my, what a naughty little...
22:14Maris, darling, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.
22:18See you at home.
22:22More wine, please.
22:24Oh, are you sure that's wise, dear?
22:27Remember that blackout you had last month?
22:31What am I saying? Of course you don't.
22:39That's what I love about her, her sense of humor.
22:43Cookie, darling?
22:44Oh, no, thank you.
22:46Some of us do look after our weight.
22:49Now, now, Daphne, you have to keep your strength up.
22:52You are eating for two.
22:55You're having a baby?
22:57Oh, when were you planning on springing that news?
23:00We don't like to bring that up.
23:03It's a sore point around here.
23:06What with my sister-in-law being barren and all.
23:14Now, now, it's not her fault.
23:17You see, my brother is impotent.
23:21Well, uh, congratulations.
23:25Is there a loo I could, uh...
23:28Yes, yes, right there by the front door.
23:30We call that Frazer's bathroom.
23:32That's why we've monogrammed all the towels with his initials.
23:37We won't take a leap of your senses.
23:39She's not my sister-in-law.
23:41She's not my sister-in-law.
23:43She's not my sister-in-law.
23:45She's not my sister-in-law.
23:48We won't take a leap of your senses.
23:50She started it, hogging all over him.
23:52What is your problem?
23:54Frazer said the only reason we were doing this
23:56was because you wanted to give him the brush-off.
23:58Well, I changed my mind.
24:00Didn't you see my signals?
24:02Gee, I must have missed them.
24:03It must have been during one of my blackouts.
24:06Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
24:08There's no need to fight.
24:09Look, I'll flip a coin.
24:11Oh, good news, Roz.
24:12Oh, sod off.
24:14You think with all your dozens and dozens of men
24:17you could at least leave one for me?
24:19Dozens?
24:20Did you tell her that?
24:21Well, forgive me for keeping track.
24:25Why are you fighting over the man anyway?
24:27He's got all the charm of a cricket bat.
24:29You're right.
24:30You know what, Daphne?
24:31You want him, you can have him.
24:32You can have him.
24:33He's yours.
24:34Oh, yes.
24:35Fat chance I've got now that you've told him I'm pregnant.
24:38How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby?
24:45Five.
24:47Coffee?
24:50No, thank you.
24:51I really should be going.
24:54No, no, please.
24:56I know what you must think, but we're not what we seem.
24:59You certainly aren't.
25:01Look, I know I'm a guest here, so I've kept silent so far,
25:05but I'm sorry, I must speak.
25:07You're the most appalling family I've ever met.
25:10You, breaking up with your wife over a pair of opera glasses.
25:15And you, looking down your nose at me
25:17the entire time you're showing off your posh flat.
25:21Well, for your information, mate,
25:23I don't think there's anything remotely special
25:25about your bathrooms.
25:27And you two women, flirting shamelessly with me
25:30right in front of your husbands.
25:32You haven't just reconciled with friends,
25:34you've got a wife.
25:36And you, flirting shamelessly with me
25:38right in front of your husbands.
25:40You haven't just reconciled with Frasier,
25:42and you carry Niall's baby.
25:45Well, I pity your child, Daphne,
25:47and I pity any good Manchester girl
25:49that comes here to this vile, coffee-swilling Sodom
25:52and lets it change her like it's changed you.
25:55But I haven't changed, really.
25:57We're not the awful people you think we are.
26:00No, the truth is we've been lying to you all night.
26:04Well, I don't care if you lied to any more.
26:09Goodbye, Daphne, Maris, Dr Crane, Dr Crane.
26:15I'll never understand how two men like you
26:18could have been spawned by that sweet, courageous old astronaut.
26:34Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:37tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:41Mercy.
26:43And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:46Well, maybe.
26:47But I got you pegged.
26:49Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:52But I don't know what to do
26:54with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:59They're calling again.
27:02Goodnight, Seattle. We love you.