Frasier Season 9 Episode 4 The Return Of Martin Crane
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00:00I'm on the phone from Woodinville.
00:03Hello, Tom. I'm listening.
00:06Thank God. I thought I'd never get through.
00:08Dr. Crane, I have a problem and I don't know what to do.
00:11I'm supposed to get married soon, but I'm having second thoughts.
00:15Do you think it's just cold feet or what?
00:17All right, Tom, just just calm down.
00:19Let's work through this thing together.
00:21You and I.
00:23Are you in love with this girl?
00:25Of course.
00:26Yes, I think.
00:30Now, remember, Tom, this is the person with whom you'll be spending the rest of your life.
00:37That is a long time.
00:38It is, isn't it?
00:40Ah, yes.
00:42In fact, getting married is probably the biggest decision you will ever make in your life.
00:46It requires time, temperance, and thought.
00:55Tom, what's that music?
00:57Sorry, Dr. Crane, there's no time to talk.
00:59I have to tell Monica the bad news.
01:01Wait, wait, wait, wait, Tom, no!
01:13Oh, dear.
01:14Well, if anyone out there happens to know Monica,
01:19just tell her to call in on Monday and I'll move her right to the head of the line.
01:23Um, meanwhile, this is Dr. Fraser Crane saying good day and good mental health.
01:33Please, Roz.
01:34No way.
01:36Come on, I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't an emergency.
01:39Is everything okay?
01:40Yeah, fine, good.
01:41Everything's good.
01:45I'm supposed to stop on the way home and pick up some new under things for my wife.
01:53So?
01:54So, every time I'm in one of those places, I start thinking about, you know,
02:03man and wife stuff.
02:07I turn all red, I start to sweat, I hyperventilate.
02:10Try getting somebody to wait on you when you look like that.
02:15Well, sorry, Kenny, but I am not going to Victoria's Secret for you.
02:19Victoria's Secret?
02:20Whoa, whoa, Rockefeller, I'm talking K-Mart.
02:26No.
02:26Before you say no, let me remind you that employee evaluation season's...
02:30Kenny, Roz Doyle is no gopher.
02:32She is a producer, and if she should earn a promotion, which she richly deserves,
02:37it will be based upon her merits as a producer.
02:40Fine, I'll go myself.
02:45Why do they have to make those mannequins so damn sexy?
02:51Dr. Crane?
02:52Yes?
02:52Your cake's ready.
02:53Oh, splendid, well, let's just have a look here.
02:59Congrats.
03:00It's supposed to say, congratulations, dad.
03:03There wasn't room.
03:06People have written the Declaration of Independence on a grain of rice.
03:13Now with frosting.
03:17Listen, my father's starting a new job this evening.
03:20This cake is meant to show him how proud we are, how much we care,
03:22and that we believe in him, all right?
03:24It has to be special.
03:26If it was so special, how come you ordered the smallest one?
03:35You're also having ice cream, if you must know.
03:39Fine, you can pick it up in half an hour.
03:42Oh, wait, I haven't got half an hour to...
03:45Roz?
03:48You want me to pick up the cake?
03:49Oh, bless you.
03:50Oh, and listen, could you pick up some ice cream on your way over, too?
03:54That's a lot, bye!
04:04Hello, honey.
04:07I have a surprise for you.
04:10I have a surprise for you, too.
04:20Oh, my God, tickets to the Billy Joel concert!
04:25Tickets to the Mongolian Music Festival?
04:31That's four solid hours of throat singing!
04:36How in the world did you get these?
04:38Oh, well, I know a guy who knows a guy who has a friend who is able to pull a few strings.
04:45How did you get these?
04:46I called the box office.
04:50Oh, thank you so much!
04:52Oh, no, no, thank you!
04:55When is it?
04:58Tonight.
05:03Oh, wow.
05:07So, um, which one shall we attend?
05:12Well, it's always been a dream of mine to see Billy Joel live.
05:17Yes.
05:19But has it been a lifelong dream, like my dream of seeing Mongolian throat singers?
05:26Yes, but didn't we just do a U thing last week when we went to the opera?
05:31Yes.
05:33But you're forgetting that the next night we rented Mrs. Doubtfire, which was definitely a U movie.
05:41Except they didn't have it, so we rented Tampopo, which I believe we found in the U section.
05:48And we listened to NPR on the way there and on the way back. Don't think I didn't notice that.
05:56Perhaps I have been a bit piggish lately.
05:59We'll see Billy Joel.
06:00But, but, but, but, I am not going in any mosh pit.
06:03Okay.
06:07Well, look at you, Mr. Security Guard.
06:11Yes, beware criminals. Martin Crane is back on the streets.
06:17Actually, Martin Crane is sitting on his butt in a fancy lobby staring at a bunch of monitors.
06:25Dad, are any of these navy blue?
06:27Here, I can help you with that, Dad.
06:29Daphne, would you, would you get us some coffee?
06:33Sure.
06:35Dad, uh, are you, uh, are you ready for all this, you know, going back to work?
06:41Miles, we talked about this. It's only three nights a week.
06:44Oh, I know, I know. But, uh, you're, you're going through your old routine.
06:51Putting on the badge, going back on duty.
06:54You're even going to be working with some of your old friends from the force.
07:00Just be aware. It, uh, it might bring up buried memories.
07:04Like what?
07:07Well, last time you worked, some crazy person pointed a, uh, a, uh,
07:13you know, at you, and, uh, you were almost, uh,
07:21you ended up in the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, well,
07:25you could have, uh, you could have, uh, you could have actually, well, I just, I probably, you're going to have a lot of issues.
07:35Well, thanks for being concerned, Miles, but trust me, I don't have any buried memories.
07:42I remember every detail of that day.
07:45Frank and I were near the end of our shift.
07:49Wanted to get a drink. I said no, but he was thirsty.
07:55So, we go to a convenience store.
07:59There's a robbery in progress.
08:02I get shot.
08:07It was a hell of a thing.
08:11Sure was.
08:14Well, I gotta get going. A few of the guys are taking me out for dinner before my first shift.
08:18Oh, uh, Dad, you can't leave yet. We're having a little send-off party. Frazier's on his way with the cake.
08:24Here's your coffee, Mr. Crane.
08:26Thanks, Daph.
08:31Here's your coffee, Marty.
08:32Thanks, doll.
08:35You gonna carry that fish around all day?
08:37Hey, he has a name.
08:40That's Eddie.
08:42Why don't you get yourself a real pet? You know, like a dog.
08:47Uh, I'm not really a dog person.
08:51I just wanted someone in the family I could get along with.
08:55Did I tell you Frazier's not coming home for Thanksgiving?
08:59Yeah, you did.
09:02And have I told you about my weekly Sunday brunch with Niles and Maris?
09:07Yeah, yeah.
09:10Uh, I'd rather be at church. I got more to eat.
09:17Hey, speaking of Niles...
09:18Isn't that him?
09:33Hey, Niles. Take a load off.
09:36What's up?
09:37What's up?
09:38You know very well what's up.
09:42Maris just called me.
09:44You booted her car?
09:47Oh, yeah. I remember having a car booted earlier.
09:50I was parked kind of close to a hybrid. Was that hers?
09:54The license plate says Maris.
09:58It's a very common name. Right, Frank?
10:01My mother's name is Maris.
10:07Dad, Maris is very upset. And so am I.
10:11Can't believe you booted her.
10:13Hey, I wouldn't be upset if you booted her.
10:18Niles, she's loaded. She'll probably just ditch it and go buy another one.
10:23That's not the point. I think you owe her an apology.
10:27Good day, Frank.
10:33You booted a car just to irritate your kid?
10:36That's a lot of trouble.
10:38No, the real trouble was getting four guys to pick it up and move it closer to the hybrid.
10:46Here you are.
10:48Oh, thanks.
10:49Honey, get a picture of your father with his thermos.
10:52Oh, enough with the pictures.
10:55People didn't make this much fuss when I shipped off to Korea.
10:58Well, Dad, very snappy.
11:03Uh-huh. Where's the cake?
11:05Ross will be bringing it by in a minute.
11:08Hey, Frazier, if you're interested, I have two tickets to tonight's throat singing concert.
11:13Don't toy with me, Niles.
11:17What the hell is throat singing?
11:20Oh, Dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can act as a whole.
11:24Oh, Dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can actually produce two distinct tones simultaneously,
11:31allowing him to harmonize with himself.
11:34Kind of like Diaveoli Brothers.
11:42If they shared a throat and came from Mongolia, yes.
11:49Niles, why aren't you going?
11:51He's taking me to see Billy Joel.
11:54Billy Joel?
11:58He's the piano man.
12:03Well, seeing as how you're otherwise occupied, I guess I'll try to just wrangle myself a date.
12:08Wait a minute. Who's going to walk Eddie? I told you it has to be walked every night at ten.
12:12Yes, yes, yes, of course, Dad, of course, Dad.
12:15Well, you know, customarily, this would fall under the description of Daphne's job.
12:22Customarily, Dr. Crane, it's not my job. I do it as a favor for your father.
12:28Will you do it as a favor for me?
12:29No.
12:31You know, Frasier, you could catch the first two hours of throat singing and still get back in time to walk Eddie.
12:37Oh, Niles, you know damn well their throats are just starting to warm up after two hours.
12:45Well, I'm not missing Billy Joel.
12:47Gee, I hate to put you all out like this.
12:51Dad, I'm sorry. Don't worry. We'll work this out, I promise.
12:57Say, what about that nice Mrs. Kurtzman who lives right across the hall?
13:02She's 94. Someone comes to walk her every day.
13:09There's got to be somebody on God's green earth that can walk this dog.
13:14Ross!
13:18Jake's here.
13:20Yes, you know, Ross, we were just talking about you.
13:24Say, listen, are you busy this evening?
13:27No.
13:28Oh, that's terrific news. But then you won't mind coming by and walking Eddie about 10 o'clock?
13:34Forget it, Frasier. I am not your assistant. I am a producer.
13:38A producer doesn't give up her evenings to walk a dog.
13:42Would a senior producer walk a dog?
13:48Well, someone has got to walk this damn dog.
13:51All right, that's enough. You all said you'd be supportive if I went back to work.
13:56Dad, we all heard you.
13:58For the first two or three seconds, they were just inconvenient, and all you think about is your dog.
14:03For the first two or three seconds, they were just inconvenient, and all you think about is yourself.
14:09Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm not in the party mood.
14:29What do you want?
14:30It's me, Ross.
14:32Come on in.
14:33Are you people insane? How can paper beat a rock?
14:40Well, I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house.
14:43Well, I didn't want you to go before I had a chance to give you this.
14:47Oh, you didn't have to do that.
14:51Tie pin. Oh, look at the little handcuffs.
14:56Well, we don't want that tie to escape.
15:00Thanks, Ross.
15:02So, it's a big day, isn't it?
15:04Mm-hmm.
15:05You feeling good?
15:06Oh, I feel better than that. I feel... useful.
15:11Been a long time.
15:14You know, when I was a cop, we used to make fun of security guards.
15:19Guess now I'm going to have to make fun of crossing guards.
15:25Who do crossing guards make fun of?
15:27I don't know. Kids, I guess.
15:32Hello?
15:33Oh, hey, Frank.
15:35Yep, got my W-4.
15:38Listen, I want to thank you again.
15:42Forget me in, you know. I know you had to push with my hip and all.
15:47No, I'm just thanking you again. That's all. That's not mushy.
15:52Huh?
15:53Oh, that's too bad.
15:55Okay, well, maybe next time. Bye.
15:59What's too bad?
16:01Well, a bunch of us are going out for dinner, but one guy can't make it.
16:06Evidently, he got called to check on a possible perv at the Kmart.
16:15I gotta tell you, Ross, hanging out with a bunch of guys again is...
16:21Well, something I really missed.
16:24Well, I am happy for you, Martin.
16:27Thanks, Ross.
16:30Let's just all leave now, and then Ross will have to walk in.
16:33Hey!
16:40Hey, Marty, we got a Code 9 over here on the right.
16:44You blind? She's a Code 7 at best.
16:47Am I mistaken, or is she swerving?
16:50I'm not pulling her over, Frank.
16:52The last time we did that, you ended up in divorce court.
16:59Did I tell you? Frazier's not coming home for Thanksgiving.
17:03Yeah, you did.
17:07It's hard to spend it with Maris and Niles.
17:11Last time, she didn't even eat anything. She just sucked air through a rice cake.
17:17Boy, he sure picked a winner.
17:20Marty, you sound like a broken record.
17:24I get it. You can't stand your kids.
17:27No, no, no. They can't stand me.
17:30Well, maybe you gotta be the one that takes the first step.
17:34Reach out, and most importantly, listen.
17:38Not just with your ears, but with your heart.
17:42What the hell are you talking about?
17:44What the hell are you talking about?
17:46I'm seeing a court-appointed family therapist.
17:51I have to admit, it's only been a few sessions, but...
17:55She is hot.
17:59You've come a long way.
18:01I think it's making me a better dad.
18:04I'm getting involved with the school stuff. I talk to him at the end of the day.
18:09I make sure I kiss him goodbye before I go to work.
18:14You really do that?
18:19According to Dr. Hottie, you have to make an effort.
18:29You know what I should do?
18:31What?
18:33I had to just call Frasier out of the blue and see how he's doing.
18:38Niles, too.
18:41He'd probably think I was dying or something.
18:43He should.
18:47Yeah.
18:49That's what I'm going to do. I'll do it tonight when I get home.
18:52Good for you, Marty.
18:53Hey, can we stop? I need to get another slush.
18:57You just got that one.
18:59I got rinds of it.
19:01Alright, but I'll go in and get it. You stay here and clean this mess up.
19:14Good news, Dad. We worked it out.
19:17You did?
19:18Yes. Listen, Dad, I'm sorry. I hope our little tiff didn't spoil the occasion.
19:23We're all so proud of you. I want you to know that.
19:26Thanks, son. So who's walking Eddie?
19:28I am.
19:29I figure if I just take him out right now, I still have time to make it to the concert
19:33and he'll be okay until I come back around midnight.
19:35I told you he's got to be walked around ten o'clock. That's his routine.
19:39Can't his routine just bend a little?
19:41Fine. Then I hope your Berber carpet is waterproof.
19:46What's wrong?
19:47Apparently his nibs will explode if he doesn't go out around ten.
19:53Okay, okay, okay, okay. How's this? I will stay and walk Eddie.
19:58Really?
19:59You just don't want to see Billy Joel.
20:02That is patently untrue. I'm just trying to make sure he's okay.
20:07That is patently untrue. I'm just trying to help my father.
20:10If he isn't going, can I?
20:15Well, that would work perfectly.
20:17But since you're free, Niles, I've got this extra ticket for the throat singing concert.
20:21Oh?
20:22But then it's settled.
20:24Eddie!
20:27All right. Okay, okay. We will work this out, Dad.
20:32So what happens when your nibs explode?
20:36What?
20:47You should see it, Marty. They're using your rookie picture on the news.
20:53What's all the fuss about? It's only my hip.
20:57Ten bucks says I'll be back on the job in a couple of weeks.
21:01I just keep thinking, it should have been me.
21:07Can't I do anything to make you more comfortable, Mr. Crane?
21:10I'm fine, thanks.
21:14Seriously, it should have been me.
21:20Hey, Frank.
21:24Hello, Dad.
21:25Niles.
21:28How are you feeling?
21:31I think I'm going to be fine.
21:33What?
21:34Thank God.
21:41Well, I better get going.
21:43Oh, no.
21:44Hey, don't go on my account, all right?
21:46You guys got plenty of things to talk about.
21:48Listen, I'll never drink another slushie again.
21:51Well, then it was worth it.
22:04Just got off the phone with Frazier. He is flying in.
22:08Good.
22:22Doc says I'll be out of here in a couple of days.
22:25Good.
22:27They have a great staff here.
22:31I knew this was going to happen someday.
22:34Hey, it comes with the territory.
22:39I'll never understand how you can take these risks.
22:47No, you probably won't.
22:50I'll never understand how you can take these risks.
22:55I'll never understand how you can take these risks.
22:59No, you probably won't.
23:07I'm sorry. Visiting hours are over.
23:11Um, thank you.
23:21Well...
23:29I'll be back tomorrow.
23:31Okay.
23:44All right, we're running out of time.
23:46I'll tell you what.
23:47I will offer $100 to anyone who is willing to walk this dog.
23:51I'll kick in $100.
23:52That's $200. That's an awful lot of money, isn't it, Niles?
23:55It sure is, Frazier.
23:57All just to walk a little dog.
23:59Yes, mm-hmm.
24:01I can't believe you tried to buy me off.
24:03You, too.
24:06I'm leaving.
24:08You misunderstood completely.
24:10Shut up!
24:13You ought to be ashamed. I can't even depend on my own kids.
24:17But, Dad...
24:19You, too. Come here.
24:27Come here.
24:41We're sorry.
24:43Frazier started it.
24:51I'm going to work now.
24:54I'll be home late.
24:56Don't wait up.
25:19Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:21Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:25Oh, my
25:27And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:30Well, maybe
25:32But I got you pegged
25:36But I don't know what to do
25:38With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:43They're calling again
25:46Frazier has left the building