First broadcast 15th July 1994.
Bored, depressed and out of work, Deborah decides to sell her flat and go travelling in Asia. Gary and Tony are horrified and try to change her mind by foul means.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Robin Kermode ... Ray
Ben Fox ... Young Man
Catherine Tate ... Young Woman
Peter Waddington ... Man In Glasses
Josephine Clarke ... Nurse
Bored, depressed and out of work, Deborah decides to sell her flat and go travelling in Asia. Gary and Tony are horrified and try to change her mind by foul means.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Robin Kermode ... Ray
Ben Fox ... Young Man
Catherine Tate ... Young Woman
Peter Waddington ... Man In Glasses
Josephine Clarke ... Nurse
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30You
00:47The only difference between men and women
00:49We're hey, we got men and you got women
00:58Yes, that's right
01:01Do you know another difference between men and women?
01:03Yeah, women take the jumpers off like that men do it the proper way
01:09sure
01:10Men aren't allowed to wear tights unless the climbing the cairngorms
01:14Folks like watching question a sport and chicks like watching programs about diseases. Yes
01:19We're not to do with the B day. No, no, no, Tony. I'm talking about a philosophical difference women
01:25Enjoy being in a relationship more than normal people. They like
01:30The sense of prestige it gives them to go out with a bloke. No, that is true. Yeah, but lately I've been thinking
01:35See, there's there's advantages for a single guy like me in a steady relationship
01:39What what you don't have to make the effort to be interesting
01:43You don't have to pretend that you prefer going on holiday on your own
01:46There's always someone there to order a pizza for you when you're ill good point
01:49And the longer you go out with someone the more you can train them
01:54See what I've done with Dorothy is I've shaped her. Oh, right
01:58I've molded her molded her and shaped her right, right
02:02But you won't believe this but when we first started going out she tried to get me to burn all my favorite nylon shirts
02:08Do I did?
02:10Burn them. Well, yeah, I burnt them. That's probably not a very good example
02:15But she never asked me to do that ever again
02:18You see and you're single and frankly Tony you cut a bit of a pathetic figure
02:22I don't I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Just saving myself for Deborah
02:27Try to cheer her up. Actually. Yeah, she's weird. I can't believe she didn't go for your foreign cheese impersonations
02:34See it just shows how depressed she is you see
02:36I mean, I'm just trying to explain to you the day my kind of philosophy of life and she just burst into tears
02:41I
02:52Mean this is a stunning
02:55Thing the only stunning thing about me is how horrible and empty my life is at the moment. You see I knew there was something
03:06Deborah your usual tea toast spoonfuls of yogurt dribbled between your quivering breasts
03:12Oh
03:14Sorry
03:16Have some cyanide if you've got some sure it's very bitter. I don't mind it's for you
03:26Nice penny. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm doing the cleaning in lieu of rent. You see, although unemployed I still retain my dignity
03:34So
03:36What brings you down to my fashionable bachelor apartment depression, oh, we don't worry about that. You're probably just a bit depressed
03:42What would you know about it? I did a course on personality disorders once you didn't know I didn't
04:05It's a it's a cream cheese low-fat French, which I possibly blue Limeswold
04:13Are you alright I haven't worked for ages
04:17I don't do anything all day if it wasn't for worrying about bedsores, I probably wouldn't get out of bed at all
04:22Me too. Brilliant
04:25You've got us
04:28Come on, it's never as bad as it seems
04:31Haven't got any hobbies. Most of my friends are settling down and moving away
04:35I'm completely broke and I've lost all interest in men
04:42Decided to go traveling with a girlfriend across Asia. I've come to tell you I'm selling my flat
04:51It can't do that, are you sure you want to go to Asia it's very dusty
04:56Why should I stay here? I haven't slept together yet
05:01Oh, come on dad we're made for each other now, we'll never know we might get somebody horrible moving in like a fat couple
05:10Welsh people
05:15We had some difficult neighbors once they used to order pizza at all hours of the night the bastards
05:24They were the leg family and funnily enough on the other side we had Mike and Tina leg
05:31Marjorie used to joke that we kept the legs apart
05:37Then the first lot of legs moved to Dusseldorf and the Smithhurst's moved in
05:44So the joke didn't work quite so well
05:48George one tiny silly little question. Do you intend doing any work this morning at all to be honest?
05:53I'm finding it very difficult to concentrate with all these boxes. Oh fear of boxes
05:58I must look that up in my encyclopedia of made-up phobias
06:01George don't make me bring forward my plan to replace you with some laughably simple software
06:09What brings you here I just popped in to tell Gary I'm pregnant
06:16It's a joke
06:22Don't be unkind to George again, where you going? No, he doesn't mind his responses are different to people from our solar system
06:29I saw this
06:31International Box Week, how do you mean?
06:33Well, I hate to sound like that presenter of whinging consumer or whatever the program's called
06:37But aren't you breaking several thousand health and safety regulations here our storage depot is out of action
06:43There's an outbreak of rabies guard dogs foaming at the mouth everywhere. Very French
06:49You're lying again Gary. No, I'm not
06:52Would you like me to bring in the visitors chair Dorothy? No, thank you Anthea
06:57I just popped in to give Gary's ointment. Oh, thank you. Yes
07:02Yes, he's a he's helping us with some tests at the hospital yes, he said he's helping to find a cure for a rare tropical
07:07disease
07:12He's got a wart on his penis
07:17Why are you telling so many lies Gary I'm not
07:20Anthea
07:23You're sensible what's going on here Gary's sublet our storeroom how much for nothing George a
07:30hundred pounds a week
07:32Well, I'm the manager. I'm meant to be greedy
07:36Someone could get hurt. No, it's dangerous and exciting in there
07:41All right, or I'll do something about it tomorrow
07:44This is followed by inflammation affecting the entire body
07:49pains prodigious swelling and finally
08:03Oh, hi Deb, we're just paying you a neighborly neighborhood call
08:06What is it? It's a cup of sugar. Why? Well, we're like one big happy community
08:11Here aren't we? I mean I lend you a cup of sugar you lend me a cup of coffee then we swap great plan
08:18I've got you some coffee, but I couldn't find a clean mug
08:26It's like living in a little country village here, isn't it everyone helping the other one out? Oh, I need that heavy object lifting
08:33I know I'll call the young gentleman downstairs. They'll come up and give me a hand. Oh, whoops
08:37I'm a little bit late for that party. I'll pop upstairs. Ask a nice lady there if I can borrow a car
08:40She'll say no and I'll borrow it anyway and back it into a bottle bank
08:45You've always fancied me a bit
08:48Bit you have brilliant. I
08:52Know you think I'm a bit of a jerk, but you'll never live over anyone who loves you so much
08:56Oh, you're just trying to get round me. So don't sell my flat
08:59If you really want to go I'm not gonna try and stop you
09:02Thank you. I'll just follow you. I'm your mates Vespa
09:05Apparently you can get all the way to Karachi on two tanks of super unleaded. No, no, this is my chance to see the world
09:12The world knows horrible place. No, I'm getting excited about it
09:16I mean in a few months I could be sitting there watching the sunrise of a Kathmandu stay here. Watch it rise over Halfords
09:25Same son. I'll make a flask of soup up. We'll sit in the car park up the radio on everything
09:31I'll photocopy some pictures of Asia for you
09:36It's very kind of you. Yeah, that's the Philippines. What is it? That's the police station in Manila
09:41That's when you go in your passport and all your money get nicked. Apparently thousands of European tourists get turned over every year
09:49That's the municipal prison in Bangkok, that's where they put you
09:53Drugs in your suitcase. You have to spend the best years of your life banged up in a rat infested cell
09:58Excuse me, but do you have something of the countryside? Maybe? Yes. There's a blood-stained tourist line face down a ditch in
10:06Why are you doing this to me got to be cruel to be kind of I mean you must know what's out there
10:10I could just as easily be mugged on the way home from work
10:13If I had a job, you'd be not gonna get any of these diseases. Are you?
10:18Amoebic dysentery blackwater fever your skin turns yellow with that one
10:23cholera
10:24Dengue fever, that's dengue dengue dengue fever. That's potentially fatal and I've only photocopied a to D Gary
10:33What have I said?
10:35The estate agents got a couple of people come around to see my flat tomorrow. I'm going so you two just better get used to the idea
11:05Oh
11:16Hello Doris, yeah, I didn't know you'd stayed over. Yeah, I had to Gary hid my clothes
11:23I'm just boiling up some Brussels sprouts with some old socks
11:27No, no, it's not that there's something else. Oh, that'll be the Gorgonzola and parmesan bake. Yeah, what are you baking it on?
11:34Just some more old socks
11:38You keep a secret no, oh
11:40Well, the estate agents come around to show some people around Debs flat and I'm just trying to put them off
11:44Oh, well, at least you're honest last night. Gary managed to tell 18 lies in five minutes
11:51Remarkable considering two of those minutes were spent making love
11:57Gary doesn't lie. He just likes exaggerating. Well as in exaggerating through his teeth the exaggerating bastard
12:05A bit like that when I first started going out with him. He told me that his godparents were Keith Richard and Barbara Windsor
12:12We should get there round, you know, they're not really
12:17Well a few white lies never anybody no, but it's not just that I'm sick of the way only ever cares about himself
12:23I mean look at the way treats George and Anthea. So if they're in a Victorian workhouse, he's like
12:28He's like a mill owner without the redeeming feature of a mill
12:32He's crazy about you he was just telling me yesterday how much he loves being in a couple
12:37What did he say? Well, you know how he doesn't have to bother to be interesting
12:41What fun it is to train the other person and now you're always there for him when he's ill
12:47He said that yeah, really nice
12:52Yeah, really nice
12:55Excuse me
12:58Yes, I sold one just like this only last week it wasn't actually quite as nice look at that super tiling
13:10Yeah, we're just showing these good people around upstairs for Deborah's the all's damp look
13:15No, I'm sure it's only superficial. Oh, no, it's alright
13:18You see because in the summer when it's really hot you can put your head against the wall like this
13:24And it really cools you down. It's nice
13:28Oh
13:31We live on sprouts down here only the gyro come yesterday, so I'm roasting up a nice bit of tripe to go with it
13:39You won't escape the smell oh
13:42I'm sorry. I can't speak properly today. Only I've got a mouthful of boils. I think it's the dump and the bad drains
13:49I
13:57That's Gary he's my friend. He's learning to play the saxophone these people want to buy Deb's flat
14:05Well, you're not not a mind it are you when he went Tony and I make love in the garden he tends to scream a
14:10bit don't you
14:12I'd love to stay and chat or it's time for my over. Gee. Oh, there go my shoes again
14:19Oh
14:49Gary
15:05What's the flat smell of Brussels sprouts, it's an old hangover remedy of Tony's he's made it before how does it work?
15:13It's the enzymes apparently the Egyptians invented only of course they use spinach
15:20Gary why do you go out with me?
15:27Isn't it a strain though having to be so interesting all the time
15:33No, but seriously, what do you like best about it training me or having me run around after you when you're sick
15:41tricky one
15:44Training
15:47Gary I don't want to go out with you anymore. What I'm serious. No, you're not
15:54You're Dorothy, I'm Gary we go out together. It's enjoyable
15:58No, no, no. No, I'm Dorothy. You're a moron. We go out together. It's annoying
16:04This is a joke, isn't it? You're being humorous. Oh, I've had enough
16:09All
16:14Right, what aren't you happy about you can give it a short version if you like
16:22You lie you talk drivel your idea of sophisticated humor is the whoopee cushion you call my mother Dave
16:34Well, what are you going out with me for exactly
16:39I can change. No, you can't I can I promise no more lies. I've already improved conditions at the office
16:47I'll treat you like a queen every day. Why should I believe you? I swear on your mother's life. Do you see?
16:53Alright, I swear on my life. No more lying
17:00I've been very happy here. Yes. Yes. It's nice. Very nice. Thank you. This is the bedroom
17:09Do you have the use of the garden? Yes, I share it with what's that?
17:19Isn't that the roof leaks spelt out in household objects and garden debris
17:27Does it leak just a bit? Oh, it's a bit worrying though. What are your neighbors like?
17:34Well, as you can see great sense of humor
17:39Excuse me
18:05Any requests
18:08You are ruining my life. Oh, come on Deb
18:11I mean if you really want someone don't do anything to keep all of them
18:17Won't you I mean look at Romeo a poison Juliet then killed himself in me. No, am I thinking of?
18:26Thank you
18:29Spoke to your state agent today. Yeah, I was just pointing out one or two defects
18:33I hear you told potential buyers that the house is made entirely of asbestos
18:37The biggest sewage pipe in Europe is being laid in the garden and you're running a bomb factory
18:43What do you know? I'm not gonna get chatting
18:47You really want me to be unhappy don't you know what don't I just thought that
18:54My own happiness was more important
18:56I
19:02Morning Gary
19:05How's your wart I
19:09Don't want to talk about warts George. I'm too worried about Dorothy. I think she's gonna dump me
19:16We've been through so much together
19:18She's become part of me like a toenail
19:23Or some surprising hair
19:26Am I a cruel unheeding boss George
19:30Yes
19:32No, I'm not
19:35How's your wart
19:38This money you're getting from letting our store. Um, are you gonna share it with Anthea and me?
19:42Oh, yeah
19:43Well, I would but I've arranged for it to be sent straight to this charity
19:46I'm involved with you see for people with a disease. Is that true? No, it's total bollocks
19:52What's the matter with me I've got this habit of lying that's what Dorothy's so angry about I've never seen the need to lie
20:00My parents always said if you can't tell the truth don't say anything
20:04Yeah, mine tried that and I asked nobody said anything for four and a half months
20:08Anyway, I've told Dorothy that I've improved working conditions here. So if she telephones I order you both to lie
20:17Don't worry love you're not out by Thursday. We'll water the plants
20:21I'm getting claustrophobic
20:23Don't panic Anthea. We'll have you out in a second
20:37George I demand that you get up
20:46I'm sorry George. This is my fault
20:49It's been a bad few days to be honest Debra's already had an offer on a flat flat. Yeah
20:58This thing of things have been different. She could have been mine
21:01Don't suppose it wasn't meant to be I've got Dorothy I've got Dorothy
21:08You are all right, I mean you see my problem you talk gibberish at the best of times
21:12It's hard to tell if it's a concussion or just another day in your life
21:15Hello Gary, how's your walt?
21:22Dorothy be along in a minute. So she'll look after you
21:28Why am I here?
21:29George you won't tell Dorothy. This is my fault, buddy
21:33Something fell on me. Yeah, but this could ruin my relationship
21:36Was it a box?
21:40Well, what happened
21:42Well, we're in the street outside the office and these kids threw a big book out of the top window of a double-decker and it
21:48Caught George here square on the frontal cranial. It's a head. You can leave the technical stuff to me
21:55So so George went down and I followed the bus but it went round a corner a big book
22:03big book
22:05You're lying. No
22:08George what happened?
22:12I
22:18Big book bigger
22:25Neighbors everybody loves good
22:35Da-da-da-da-da Deborah
22:43Da-da-da-da-da Deborah
22:50Don't stop that's lovely. How could she do this to me?
22:55Who
23:07You're I'm early. Yeah, I've been in the hospital. Oh, how is the wart?
23:13I've been in casualty. Actually George had a minor head injury. Oh what happened pecked by a flock of starlings?
23:21Dorothy on shift. Yeah, but I think I got away with it
23:25It's open
23:29Deborah can I ask you to reconsider your decision to sell your flat? It's a bit late for that in that case
23:34Can I have your wheelbarrow? No
23:37I've taken the flat off the market. Why because I've just got myself a new job and I've decided to stay and give it a go
23:44Ah
23:54Bristol Rovers nil Rotherham to
23:58scored by Roberts after 40 minutes and Goodwin after 63 minutes
24:04attendance
24:075217
24:09Hello Anthea, how's the patient? I'm not sure whether he's conscious or not. How do you tell I
24:17Forgot to bring him a book. So I was just reading out last night's football results. That's very thoughtful of you
24:24Port Vale won again
24:27smashing
24:37I
24:38Told him how the accident happened. He seemed to think somebody threw a book at him. That's probably just the effect of the drugs
24:47Did you tell Dorothy no, she's not here yet
24:51Why?
24:53Oh, well, I better go to the office. Thanks. I'm here. Goodbye George Marjorie be along after the wrestling
25:01I
25:11Got your mouth organ it's got instructions
25:20Have you told Dorothy it was my fault you're in here. Yeah
25:24No
25:25Are you going to?
25:27I'd like to help but I'm not entirely myself yet. When will you be entirely yourself George? I
25:34Don't know
25:37If Dorothy finds out I've been lying to her again, she really will leave me this time
25:42What's it worth
25:46To keep quiet
25:48A
25:54Thousand pounds each for Anthea and me and an annual inflation linked increment. I
26:01Got you a bloody mouth organ and a side of day-to-day decision-making and choice of soft furnishings
26:09Fine and fancy biscuits to be paid for by the company including chocolate hob knobs where appropriate
26:16Watch it sunshine
26:20Sorry
26:33Hello Dorothy may hello Tony may like my lights like a disco in it
26:46I
26:56Only let me in
26:59How's George
27:00Better. Oh good
27:03Thanks for bringing him the mouth organ. It's all right. Was he well enough to play it? Not really. No. Oh, well, he did play it though
27:12fortunately
27:14Five hours
27:17He was just getting the hang of love me do when a heart bypass patient tried to strangle him with his drip
27:23Listen I was talking to George about the accident. What did he say?
27:28Well, he was just saying how good you'd been really, you know
27:32Bring him to hospital after he'd been hit on the head by the big book
27:39Listen I'm sorry. I always think the worst of you
27:42But this isn't fair I can't lie to you anymore what about I've forgotten
27:50I'm only choosing to believe you because I've got time to go and find myself another boyfriend
27:53Oh
28:09Deborah this is for you
28:24Okay, what's what's all the smoke it's just me right isn't she gorgeous
28:32How those boils by the way
28:53You