Men Behaving Badly. S03 E03. Casualties.

deaddogsmoking

First broadcast 15th July 1994.  Bored, depressed and out of work, Deborah decides to sell her flat and go travelling in Asia. Gary and Tony are horrified and try to change her mind by foul means.  Martin Clunes ... Gary Neil Morrissey ... Tony Leslie Ash ... Deborah Ian Lindsay ... George Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy Valerie Minifie ... Anthea Robin Kermode ... Ray Ben Fox ... Young Man Catherine Tate ... Young Woman Peter Waddington ... Man In Glasses Josephine Clarke ... Nurse

Transcript

00:00You

00:30You

00:47The only difference between men and women

00:49We're hey, we got men and you got women

00:58Yes, that's right

01:01Do you know another difference between men and women?

01:03Yeah, women take the jumpers off like that men do it the proper way

01:09sure

01:10Men aren't allowed to wear tights unless the climbing the cairngorms

01:14Folks like watching question a sport and chicks like watching programs about diseases. Yes

01:19We're not to do with the B day. No, no, no, Tony. I'm talking about a philosophical difference women

01:25Enjoy being in a relationship more than normal people. They like

01:30The sense of prestige it gives them to go out with a bloke. No, that is true. Yeah, but lately I've been thinking

01:35See, there's there's advantages for a single guy like me in a steady relationship

01:39What what you don't have to make the effort to be interesting

01:43You don't have to pretend that you prefer going on holiday on your own

01:46There's always someone there to order a pizza for you when you're ill good point

01:49And the longer you go out with someone the more you can train them

01:54See what I've done with Dorothy is I've shaped her. Oh, right

01:58I've molded her molded her and shaped her right, right

02:02But you won't believe this but when we first started going out she tried to get me to burn all my favorite nylon shirts

02:08Do I did?

02:10Burn them. Well, yeah, I burnt them. That's probably not a very good example

02:15But she never asked me to do that ever again

02:18You see and you're single and frankly Tony you cut a bit of a pathetic figure

02:22I don't I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Just saving myself for Deborah

02:27Try to cheer her up. Actually. Yeah, she's weird. I can't believe she didn't go for your foreign cheese impersonations

02:34See it just shows how depressed she is you see

02:36I mean, I'm just trying to explain to you the day my kind of philosophy of life and she just burst into tears

02:41I

02:52Mean this is a stunning

02:55Thing the only stunning thing about me is how horrible and empty my life is at the moment. You see I knew there was something

03:06Deborah your usual tea toast spoonfuls of yogurt dribbled between your quivering breasts

03:12Oh

03:14Sorry

03:16Have some cyanide if you've got some sure it's very bitter. I don't mind it's for you

03:26Nice penny. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm doing the cleaning in lieu of rent. You see, although unemployed I still retain my dignity

03:34So

03:36What brings you down to my fashionable bachelor apartment depression, oh, we don't worry about that. You're probably just a bit depressed

03:42What would you know about it? I did a course on personality disorders once you didn't know I didn't

04:05It's a it's a cream cheese low-fat French, which I possibly blue Limeswold

04:13Are you alright I haven't worked for ages

04:17I don't do anything all day if it wasn't for worrying about bedsores, I probably wouldn't get out of bed at all

04:22Me too. Brilliant

04:25You've got us

04:28Come on, it's never as bad as it seems

04:31Haven't got any hobbies. Most of my friends are settling down and moving away

04:35I'm completely broke and I've lost all interest in men

04:42Decided to go traveling with a girlfriend across Asia. I've come to tell you I'm selling my flat

04:51It can't do that, are you sure you want to go to Asia it's very dusty

04:56Why should I stay here? I haven't slept together yet

05:01Oh, come on dad we're made for each other now, we'll never know we might get somebody horrible moving in like a fat couple

05:10Welsh people

05:15We had some difficult neighbors once they used to order pizza at all hours of the night the bastards

05:24They were the leg family and funnily enough on the other side we had Mike and Tina leg

05:31Marjorie used to joke that we kept the legs apart

05:37Then the first lot of legs moved to Dusseldorf and the Smithhurst's moved in

05:44So the joke didn't work quite so well

05:48George one tiny silly little question. Do you intend doing any work this morning at all to be honest?

05:53I'm finding it very difficult to concentrate with all these boxes. Oh fear of boxes

05:58I must look that up in my encyclopedia of made-up phobias

06:01George don't make me bring forward my plan to replace you with some laughably simple software

06:09What brings you here I just popped in to tell Gary I'm pregnant

06:16It's a joke

06:22Don't be unkind to George again, where you going? No, he doesn't mind his responses are different to people from our solar system

06:29I saw this

06:31International Box Week, how do you mean?

06:33Well, I hate to sound like that presenter of whinging consumer or whatever the program's called

06:37But aren't you breaking several thousand health and safety regulations here our storage depot is out of action

06:43There's an outbreak of rabies guard dogs foaming at the mouth everywhere. Very French

06:49You're lying again Gary. No, I'm not

06:52Would you like me to bring in the visitors chair Dorothy? No, thank you Anthea

06:57I just popped in to give Gary's ointment. Oh, thank you. Yes

07:02Yes, he's a he's helping us with some tests at the hospital yes, he said he's helping to find a cure for a rare tropical

07:07disease

07:12He's got a wart on his penis

07:17Why are you telling so many lies Gary I'm not

07:20Anthea

07:23You're sensible what's going on here Gary's sublet our storeroom how much for nothing George a

07:30hundred pounds a week

07:32Well, I'm the manager. I'm meant to be greedy

07:36Someone could get hurt. No, it's dangerous and exciting in there

07:41All right, or I'll do something about it tomorrow

07:44This is followed by inflammation affecting the entire body

07:49pains prodigious swelling and finally

08:03Oh, hi Deb, we're just paying you a neighborly neighborhood call

08:06What is it? It's a cup of sugar. Why? Well, we're like one big happy community

08:11Here aren't we? I mean I lend you a cup of sugar you lend me a cup of coffee then we swap great plan

08:18I've got you some coffee, but I couldn't find a clean mug

08:26It's like living in a little country village here, isn't it everyone helping the other one out? Oh, I need that heavy object lifting

08:33I know I'll call the young gentleman downstairs. They'll come up and give me a hand. Oh, whoops

08:37I'm a little bit late for that party. I'll pop upstairs. Ask a nice lady there if I can borrow a car

08:40She'll say no and I'll borrow it anyway and back it into a bottle bank

08:45You've always fancied me a bit

08:48Bit you have brilliant. I

08:52Know you think I'm a bit of a jerk, but you'll never live over anyone who loves you so much

08:56Oh, you're just trying to get round me. So don't sell my flat

08:59If you really want to go I'm not gonna try and stop you

09:02Thank you. I'll just follow you. I'm your mates Vespa

09:05Apparently you can get all the way to Karachi on two tanks of super unleaded. No, no, this is my chance to see the world

09:12The world knows horrible place. No, I'm getting excited about it

09:16I mean in a few months I could be sitting there watching the sunrise of a Kathmandu stay here. Watch it rise over Halfords

09:25Same son. I'll make a flask of soup up. We'll sit in the car park up the radio on everything

09:31I'll photocopy some pictures of Asia for you

09:36It's very kind of you. Yeah, that's the Philippines. What is it? That's the police station in Manila

09:41That's when you go in your passport and all your money get nicked. Apparently thousands of European tourists get turned over every year

09:49That's the municipal prison in Bangkok, that's where they put you

09:53Drugs in your suitcase. You have to spend the best years of your life banged up in a rat infested cell

09:58Excuse me, but do you have something of the countryside? Maybe? Yes. There's a blood-stained tourist line face down a ditch in

10:06Why are you doing this to me got to be cruel to be kind of I mean you must know what's out there

10:10I could just as easily be mugged on the way home from work

10:13If I had a job, you'd be not gonna get any of these diseases. Are you?

10:18Amoebic dysentery blackwater fever your skin turns yellow with that one

10:23cholera

10:24Dengue fever, that's dengue dengue dengue fever. That's potentially fatal and I've only photocopied a to D Gary

10:33What have I said?

10:35The estate agents got a couple of people come around to see my flat tomorrow. I'm going so you two just better get used to the idea

11:05Oh

11:16Hello Doris, yeah, I didn't know you'd stayed over. Yeah, I had to Gary hid my clothes

11:23I'm just boiling up some Brussels sprouts with some old socks

11:27No, no, it's not that there's something else. Oh, that'll be the Gorgonzola and parmesan bake. Yeah, what are you baking it on?

11:34Just some more old socks

11:38You keep a secret no, oh

11:40Well, the estate agents come around to show some people around Debs flat and I'm just trying to put them off

11:44Oh, well, at least you're honest last night. Gary managed to tell 18 lies in five minutes

11:51Remarkable considering two of those minutes were spent making love

11:57Gary doesn't lie. He just likes exaggerating. Well as in exaggerating through his teeth the exaggerating bastard

12:05A bit like that when I first started going out with him. He told me that his godparents were Keith Richard and Barbara Windsor

12:12We should get there round, you know, they're not really

12:17Well a few white lies never anybody no, but it's not just that I'm sick of the way only ever cares about himself

12:23I mean look at the way treats George and Anthea. So if they're in a Victorian workhouse, he's like

12:28He's like a mill owner without the redeeming feature of a mill

12:32He's crazy about you he was just telling me yesterday how much he loves being in a couple

12:37What did he say? Well, you know how he doesn't have to bother to be interesting

12:41What fun it is to train the other person and now you're always there for him when he's ill

12:47He said that yeah, really nice

12:52Yeah, really nice

12:55Excuse me

12:58Yes, I sold one just like this only last week it wasn't actually quite as nice look at that super tiling

13:10Yeah, we're just showing these good people around upstairs for Deborah's the all's damp look

13:15No, I'm sure it's only superficial. Oh, no, it's alright

13:18You see because in the summer when it's really hot you can put your head against the wall like this

13:24And it really cools you down. It's nice

13:28Oh

13:31We live on sprouts down here only the gyro come yesterday, so I'm roasting up a nice bit of tripe to go with it

13:39You won't escape the smell oh

13:42I'm sorry. I can't speak properly today. Only I've got a mouthful of boils. I think it's the dump and the bad drains

13:49I

13:57That's Gary he's my friend. He's learning to play the saxophone these people want to buy Deb's flat

14:05Well, you're not not a mind it are you when he went Tony and I make love in the garden he tends to scream a

14:10bit don't you

14:12I'd love to stay and chat or it's time for my over. Gee. Oh, there go my shoes again

14:19Oh

14:49Gary

15:05What's the flat smell of Brussels sprouts, it's an old hangover remedy of Tony's he's made it before how does it work?

15:13It's the enzymes apparently the Egyptians invented only of course they use spinach

15:20Gary why do you go out with me?

15:27Isn't it a strain though having to be so interesting all the time

15:33No, but seriously, what do you like best about it training me or having me run around after you when you're sick

15:41tricky one

15:44Training

15:47Gary I don't want to go out with you anymore. What I'm serious. No, you're not

15:54You're Dorothy, I'm Gary we go out together. It's enjoyable

15:58No, no, no. No, I'm Dorothy. You're a moron. We go out together. It's annoying

16:04This is a joke, isn't it? You're being humorous. Oh, I've had enough

16:09All

16:14Right, what aren't you happy about you can give it a short version if you like

16:22You lie you talk drivel your idea of sophisticated humor is the whoopee cushion you call my mother Dave

16:34Well, what are you going out with me for exactly

16:39I can change. No, you can't I can I promise no more lies. I've already improved conditions at the office

16:47I'll treat you like a queen every day. Why should I believe you? I swear on your mother's life. Do you see?

16:53Alright, I swear on my life. No more lying

17:00I've been very happy here. Yes. Yes. It's nice. Very nice. Thank you. This is the bedroom

17:09Do you have the use of the garden? Yes, I share it with what's that?

17:19Isn't that the roof leaks spelt out in household objects and garden debris

17:27Does it leak just a bit? Oh, it's a bit worrying though. What are your neighbors like?

17:34Well, as you can see great sense of humor

17:39Excuse me

18:05Any requests

18:08You are ruining my life. Oh, come on Deb

18:11I mean if you really want someone don't do anything to keep all of them

18:17Won't you I mean look at Romeo a poison Juliet then killed himself in me. No, am I thinking of?

18:26Thank you

18:29Spoke to your state agent today. Yeah, I was just pointing out one or two defects

18:33I hear you told potential buyers that the house is made entirely of asbestos

18:37The biggest sewage pipe in Europe is being laid in the garden and you're running a bomb factory

18:43What do you know? I'm not gonna get chatting

18:47You really want me to be unhappy don't you know what don't I just thought that

18:54My own happiness was more important

18:56I

19:02Morning Gary

19:05How's your wart I

19:09Don't want to talk about warts George. I'm too worried about Dorothy. I think she's gonna dump me

19:16We've been through so much together

19:18She's become part of me like a toenail

19:23Or some surprising hair

19:26Am I a cruel unheeding boss George

19:30Yes

19:32No, I'm not

19:35How's your wart

19:38This money you're getting from letting our store. Um, are you gonna share it with Anthea and me?

19:42Oh, yeah

19:43Well, I would but I've arranged for it to be sent straight to this charity

19:46I'm involved with you see for people with a disease. Is that true? No, it's total bollocks

19:52What's the matter with me I've got this habit of lying that's what Dorothy's so angry about I've never seen the need to lie

20:00My parents always said if you can't tell the truth don't say anything

20:04Yeah, mine tried that and I asked nobody said anything for four and a half months

20:08Anyway, I've told Dorothy that I've improved working conditions here. So if she telephones I order you both to lie

20:17Don't worry love you're not out by Thursday. We'll water the plants

20:21I'm getting claustrophobic

20:23Don't panic Anthea. We'll have you out in a second

20:37George I demand that you get up

20:46I'm sorry George. This is my fault

20:49It's been a bad few days to be honest Debra's already had an offer on a flat flat. Yeah

20:58This thing of things have been different. She could have been mine

21:01Don't suppose it wasn't meant to be I've got Dorothy I've got Dorothy

21:08You are all right, I mean you see my problem you talk gibberish at the best of times

21:12It's hard to tell if it's a concussion or just another day in your life

21:15Hello Gary, how's your walt?

21:22Dorothy be along in a minute. So she'll look after you

21:28Why am I here?

21:29George you won't tell Dorothy. This is my fault, buddy

21:33Something fell on me. Yeah, but this could ruin my relationship

21:36Was it a box?

21:40Well, what happened

21:42Well, we're in the street outside the office and these kids threw a big book out of the top window of a double-decker and it

21:48Caught George here square on the frontal cranial. It's a head. You can leave the technical stuff to me

21:55So so George went down and I followed the bus but it went round a corner a big book

22:03big book

22:05You're lying. No

22:08George what happened?

22:12I

22:18Big book bigger

22:25Neighbors everybody loves good

22:35Da-da-da-da-da Deborah

22:43Da-da-da-da-da Deborah

22:50Don't stop that's lovely. How could she do this to me?

22:55Who

23:07You're I'm early. Yeah, I've been in the hospital. Oh, how is the wart?

23:13I've been in casualty. Actually George had a minor head injury. Oh what happened pecked by a flock of starlings?

23:21Dorothy on shift. Yeah, but I think I got away with it

23:25It's open

23:29Deborah can I ask you to reconsider your decision to sell your flat? It's a bit late for that in that case

23:34Can I have your wheelbarrow? No

23:37I've taken the flat off the market. Why because I've just got myself a new job and I've decided to stay and give it a go

23:44Ah

23:54Bristol Rovers nil Rotherham to

23:58scored by Roberts after 40 minutes and Goodwin after 63 minutes

24:04attendance

24:075217

24:09Hello Anthea, how's the patient? I'm not sure whether he's conscious or not. How do you tell I

24:17Forgot to bring him a book. So I was just reading out last night's football results. That's very thoughtful of you

24:24Port Vale won again

24:27smashing

24:37I

24:38Told him how the accident happened. He seemed to think somebody threw a book at him. That's probably just the effect of the drugs

24:47Did you tell Dorothy no, she's not here yet

24:51Why?

24:53Oh, well, I better go to the office. Thanks. I'm here. Goodbye George Marjorie be along after the wrestling

25:01I

25:11Got your mouth organ it's got instructions

25:20Have you told Dorothy it was my fault you're in here. Yeah

25:24No

25:25Are you going to?

25:27I'd like to help but I'm not entirely myself yet. When will you be entirely yourself George? I

25:34Don't know

25:37If Dorothy finds out I've been lying to her again, she really will leave me this time

25:42What's it worth

25:46To keep quiet

25:48A

25:54Thousand pounds each for Anthea and me and an annual inflation linked increment. I

26:01Got you a bloody mouth organ and a side of day-to-day decision-making and choice of soft furnishings

26:09Fine and fancy biscuits to be paid for by the company including chocolate hob knobs where appropriate

26:16Watch it sunshine

26:20Sorry

26:33Hello Dorothy may hello Tony may like my lights like a disco in it

26:46I

26:56Only let me in

26:59How's George

27:00Better. Oh good

27:03Thanks for bringing him the mouth organ. It's all right. Was he well enough to play it? Not really. No. Oh, well, he did play it though

27:12fortunately

27:14Five hours

27:17He was just getting the hang of love me do when a heart bypass patient tried to strangle him with his drip

27:23Listen I was talking to George about the accident. What did he say?

27:28Well, he was just saying how good you'd been really, you know

27:32Bring him to hospital after he'd been hit on the head by the big book

27:39Listen I'm sorry. I always think the worst of you

27:42But this isn't fair I can't lie to you anymore what about I've forgotten

27:50I'm only choosing to believe you because I've got time to go and find myself another boyfriend

27:53Oh

28:09Deborah this is for you

28:24Okay, what's what's all the smoke it's just me right isn't she gorgeous

28:32How those boils by the way

28:53You

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