No Place Like Home S1/E7 'Christmas Special' William Gaunt • Martin Clunes
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00:00I
00:30Morning, Arthur.
00:37Oi, Sleeping Beauty, Prince Charming is here.
00:40But I think I'll dispense with the kiss.
00:43Clear off, Trevor, I'm asleep.
00:45I was kept awake half the night by the squawking of your damp turkey.
00:49Yeah, sorry about that.
00:51You sure it wasn't Vera? She does do bird impressions.
00:54Oh, yeah?
00:56Yes. Watches me like a hawk.
00:58It was your turkey, Trevor.
01:00Yeah, I know. That bird is causing me a problem.
01:03It's causing us all a problem. It's called insomnia.
01:05You can't have it for Christmas. You'd better do it now before I do.
01:08Yeah, I can't. That's a problem. Vera won't let me.
01:10She has grown very fond of Millicent.
01:13Millicent?
01:15The turkey. Oh.
01:17I have spent a lot of time and money fattening up that bird for Christmas.
01:20And now Vera and Millicent have become, and I quote,
01:23bosom pals.
01:25God, you take a fancy to her.
01:27Big beak, squawking all the time.
01:29She's a very scrawny-looking bird.
01:31She's the only wife you've got there, Trevor.
01:33Exactly. What do I do?
01:35Well, first of all, put Millicent out of her misery.
01:37Yeah, well, don't worry. I'll think of something.
01:39If the worst comes to the worst, one dark night it'll be...
01:44Vera or the turkey.
01:46I said Vera or the turkey.
01:48Don't rush me, Arthur. I'm making up me mind.
01:52Have you come round here for anything in particular?
01:54I suppose a sherry is out of the question.
01:56It's eight o'clock in the morning, Trevor.
01:58So? So it is, yeah.
02:01Well, I'll put up with a bit of peace and quiet then.
02:04Get away from that awful bird.
02:06But she's following me, Arthur.
02:10Morning, Arthur. Morning.
02:12Joe, get up. Trevor, keep your hands off my Millicent.
02:17No, the turkey. Oh. I saw you.
02:19I was only feeding her.
02:21But then you leered at her, saying,
02:23I wish you a merry Christmas and showed her a sharp knife.
02:27Very good, wasn't it?
02:29Oh, yes, it is.
02:31Now a pen needs cleaning out, so do it.
02:33Oh, morning, Vera. Morning, Vera.
02:35Morning, Beryl. You want a cup of tea, love?
02:37Oh, yes, please do. Can I have the car today, Arthur?
02:39I've got lots of shopping to do. Yes, that'll be quite all right, Beryl.
02:41I know it will. Trevor can give old thingy a lift to work.
02:44And take waffles for a walk before you go. We'll enjoy that.
02:47I took waffles for a walk for a couple of hours last night.
02:50Yes, I know, but this morning you won't be dripping beer all over him, will you?
02:55All right, I'll pick you up in about 15 minutes, then, Arthur. Thank you, squad.
02:58And if there's anything else, my love, don't ring me at work.
03:02Why not? All the women there think I'm a bachelor.
03:07He's taunting me because I won't let him murder Millicent.
03:12I mean, other women wouldn't want my Trevor, would they?
03:17Other women wouldn't want him, would they?
03:21Well, I can't truthfully say he turns me on, Vera.
03:24Beryl, as an older woman, what do you think?
03:28Well, I think you're very lucky, Vera.
03:30I mean, he's kind and amusing, he's generous, tolerant, thoughtful.
03:35I think he's a very nice man.
03:38Trevor! Trevor!
03:41What? I love you!
03:43I love you!
03:46Pass the sugar, would you, Arthur? Thank you.
03:49He looks tired, Beryl. All flingy.
03:51Well, didn't anything keep you awake last night, Vera?
03:54No.
03:55Why? Do you think I should go to the marriage guidance about it?
03:59I was talking about your turkey.
04:01Ah, ah.
04:02Well, you can't blame Millicent. I think she has terrible nightmares.
04:06She's filled with the apprehension that before long she may be filled even further with sage and onions.
04:11What a mouth-watering thought. Beautiful.
04:14Please don't keep on.
04:16I'm not going to let Trevor harm a little hair on a little head.
04:19Who'd want a turkey with a hairy little head?
04:21I don't need to eat. My mum's hungry.
04:23Yes, I'll get some more toast.
04:24Morning.
04:25Morning.
04:26I'm starving. I could eat a horse.
04:28You haven't got one, have you, round at your place, Vera?
04:32What are you getting Trevor for Christmas, Vera?
04:34What do you buy a man who has everything?
04:36A burglar, aren't you? Pass the milk, please.
04:39Is breakfast being served?
04:41Yes, it is. It's good here, isn't it?
04:44It's like a cafeteria in here, Vera. I don't know how you cook.
04:47Could you pass the marmalade, dear? Thank you.
04:49Come on, Fred. Go and sit down.
04:51Would you like a cup of coffee?
04:52Yeah, so would I. It's in the pot over there.
04:55I'm sorry we're late. We were awake most of the night.
04:57Sounded like some scraggy old berbers making a right old racket next door.
05:01You don't call out in your sleep, do you, Vera?
05:04It was Vera's turkey.
05:05Morning.
05:07How's the baby?
05:09He's all right. He kept us awake till four o'clock this morning.
05:11It's making an awful noise.
05:13Bring him round here tonight, then we'll get our own back.
05:15Vera's got a very noisy turkey.
05:17Turkey, turkey.
05:18Oh, yeah. Mum, are you going shopping this morning?
05:20Yes.
05:21Could you get us a turkey?
05:22Louise's parents are coming down for lunch on Boxing Day
05:24and, well, we're a bit short, what with Christmas and everything.
05:26Vera's got one you can have for nothing.
05:28There's not much meat on it, but it'll take you till New Year's Eve
05:30to finish off the vocal cords.
05:31Oh, really?
05:32What, a free turkey?
05:33Oh, well, thanks a lot, Vera.
05:35Is it ready for the oven?
05:36I can't stand it.
05:38Why does everybody have it in for poor innocent Millicent?
05:41Just because it's Christmas, everybody wants to do her in.
05:43But I saw her funeral.
05:44Oh, shut up, Will.
05:45Shut your voice down.
05:47Oh, no.
05:48All right, Millicent, darling.
05:50Mummy's coming.
05:51Nothing's going to happen to you.
05:53She's hungry.
05:55I've a good mind to cancel Christmas and bring Easter forward instead.
05:58Well, what would Trevor have for his Christmas dinner?
06:00Merry Honkos Buns.
06:03Hey.
06:05Now, in case anybody was wondering what I want for Christmas,
06:08I've made out my Christmas list.
06:10Ah. May I?
06:11Yeah.
06:14There aren't going to be any presents this year, Raymond.
06:17He just tore up my list.
06:19Everybody gets presents at Christmas.
06:21Why can't I?
06:22I never had presents.
06:23No cover.
06:24No, not all my life.
06:25We were too poor.
06:26When I was a kid, we never saw Father Christmas.
06:28Come to think of it, I never actually saw a father.
06:31I don't want my breakfast ruined by your life story.
06:33The ban on Christmas presents includes everyone, not just you, Raymond.
06:36What ban?
06:37Look, this whole business of Christmas...
06:39That's what we've become, isn't it? A business.
06:41We've got right away from the real meaning somewhere down the line.
06:44Not necessarily, are we?
06:46All right, then. What does Christmas mean to you?
06:48Is it...
06:49Yes, yes, Raymond.
06:51Well...
06:52Its original meaning.
06:53Yeah.
06:54Well, deep down I feel that it's...
06:56Well, it's not having to go to work.
06:58Loads of food, loads of booze, better programmes on telly.
07:00Yeah, and lots of presents.
07:02Thank you, Raymond. We're all deeply moved.
07:04I think that conveys everything I was trying to say, Beryl.
07:06What you're getting at, Dad, is a religious significance.
07:09Yes, Tracy.
07:10Peace on earth, goodwill to men.
07:11I know what he's getting at. He's getting at me.
07:13Yeah, goodwill to all men, so long as they haven't married my daughter.
07:16Look, last year, last year, we all had a week-long orgy of overindulgence.
07:20Sprawled out, gawping at the television.
07:22Everybody's standing, very much the worst for wear.
07:24Yeah, you looked terrible, Dad.
07:26What?
07:27Well, it wasn't us. It was you.
07:29Piffle, look, we've all been going about this the wrong way.
07:32I've never been one to count the cost of Christmas.
07:34No, no, I haven't, have I, Beryl?
07:35No, no, no.
07:36But last year, it was £221.69p.
07:39And what's all this about not buying presents?
07:41Look, look, every year, we all spend money we can't afford
07:44buying each other presents we don't want.
07:46The usual awful necktie from...
07:48Do you remember that awful necktie you gave me last year?
07:50I didn't think it was that bad. In fact, I quite like it, actually.
07:53And the usual awful woolen socks from Tracy.
07:55Why does even the rummage sale refuse it?
07:57I paid two quid for these.
07:58Well, let's try and cut down.
07:59I mean, why send dozens of Christmas cards to people you don't care about
08:03just in case they happen to send you one?
08:05This is a time of generosity, Dad. Goodwill to all men.
08:07That is true, Lorraine. It doesn't have to be very expensive generosity.
08:10It can be carefully selective goodwill.
08:12We don't have to turn it into an orgy of overeating and overspending and over...
08:17Overwhelmingly boring, this is.
08:18Shut up, Raymond.
08:20Try not to get such a pain in the neck, all right?
08:22What was I talking about, Beryl?
08:24Goodwill to all men.
08:26Oh, yes, well...
08:27Yeah.
08:28Oh, just keep out of it.
08:29Just shut up, Lorraine.
08:30Don't talk to me like that.
08:31I will if I like. This is the season of goodwill to all men.
08:33It don't mention women.
08:34Just sit down. Sit down.
08:36Let's start as I mean to go on.
08:38Now, first, midnight service at St Michael's Christmas Eve, yeah?
08:42Wait a moment.
08:43What about the rave-up we planned here for Christmas Eve?
08:46What rave-up, Beryl?
08:47Well, they did mention they might have a Christmas party, dear.
08:50Not to me. Forget it. We're going to have a quiet Christmas.
08:53It's a fire coming and Mum said you and she would babysit.
08:56Babysitting Christmas Eve?
08:57Yeah, the real meaning of Christmas, Dad.
08:59By the side of a crib with a little baby in swaddling clothes.
09:02Out of the way while we have a rave-up.
09:04And on Christmas Day, Raymond's mother's coming here.
09:06Raymond's mother?
09:08No, Beryl.
09:10I thought it'd be nice to ask Nadia and some of her Polish friends
09:13round for lunch on Christmas Day.
09:15Why?
09:16Solidarity.
09:18And Trev and Vera are coming round.
09:20Beryl?
09:21It's Christmas lunch now that Millicent's been reprieved.
09:24Oh.
09:26Look, all I'm suggesting is a quiet, simple, far less expensive Christmas.
09:30Getting back to the real values
09:32without any rave-ups or gluttony or heavy boozing.
09:36You're going away somewhere?
09:38No, Nigel, I'm not going.
09:40I'm just trying to organise a traditional Christmas here.
09:43I'd like it here, in my own home, if you don't mind.
09:45It sounds very boring, Dad.
09:47I'm sorry, Raymond. You don't have to stay if you don't want.
09:50Yes, you'd like to get rid of me, of course.
09:53I mean, would you like me to leave and let you get on
09:56with your nefarious, overindulgent activities?
09:58Is that what they'd really like, Beryl?
10:00Do they see me as the kind of parent to be got rid of at Christmas?
10:03Yes, he does indeed.
10:05Well...
10:09I shall be spending Christmas elsewhere.
10:11Oh, come on!
10:12I'm not one to ruin anybody's rave-up.
10:14Having finer feelings has obviously put me in a minority of one.
10:17Don't be silly, Arthur. That's not necessary.
10:19No?
10:20Of course not.
10:22All right.
10:24I'm sorry, I just thought that, well, as far as you were concerned,
10:27I was a bit of a...
10:29Wet blanket.
10:31Beryl, we shall be spending Christmas in a small hotel,
10:34have an old-fashioned Christmas card Christmas.
10:36Oh, lovely jingle bells, robins perched on yule logs,
10:39miles and miles of snow.
10:41Well, where?
10:42Siberia.
10:44What do you mean, go away somewhere? We can't do that.
10:47You'll be waited on in a hotel.
10:49You won't have to serve and wait and cook.
10:51On this ungrateful lot, you'll be able to concentrate
10:53on having a good time, on a real Christmas and on me.
10:55Stand aside, Beryl. I'm going to make all the arrangements
10:58and the compliments of the season to you all.
11:04Come on, Beryl. No good hanging back. We're going.
11:07Where is this place you've booked into?
11:09About 40 miles from here, Tracy.
11:11A small hotel. Sounds very nice.
11:13Got its own special Christmas programme.
11:15What about lunch?
11:16Oh, we'll get some on the way. You can make your own arrangements.
11:19We've had our lunch at the Dog and Duck.
11:22Yeah, the sort of nourishment you don't have to chew, eh?
11:25Hey, what's the bad news? Dad's leaving.
11:27Well, give us the good news. Ray's here for Christmas. Hooray!
11:31Yeah, come on, crackle. Let's go upstairs, have a little nap.
11:34Has he been drinking, Lorraine?
11:35Well, it's Christmas Eve, innit, and I'm on holiday.
11:37From what? You're unemployed.
11:39I'm on holiday from the state. It's only a short break.
11:42Most of the year, they force me to travel all the way up the high street
11:45to collect my unemployment benefit.
11:47Then all the way back again, it goes on and on and on, week in, week out.
11:50Shut up, Raymond. You've had too much beer.
11:52No, no, no, Lorraine. I was watching my drinking.
11:54You were? Yeah, there was a mirror behind the bar.
11:57I'm kidding. Let's go upstairs, have a little rest.
12:00Hey, hey, Dad.
12:02Here's a little Christmas prezzie from Raymie, eh?
12:06Have one on me.
12:09Thank you, Raymond.
12:13Harold!
12:17You off then, Dad? Oh, yeah.
12:19Shall I not have anyone to fill our stockings this evening?
12:22No. After 20 years on yuletide duty,
12:24I've had this telegram, you see, from the North Pole.
12:27They're retiring me.
12:29By the way, Dad, me and Lorraine might not stay here for Christmas after all.
12:33Might go to my Uncle Harry's. He's a great bloke.
12:36He's generous, intelligent, great company. He's about your age.
12:40His biggest pleasure is giving his relatives a good time.
12:43He's great. He always gets carried away at Christmas.
12:45He's an extrovert.
12:47Have a lovely time, Mum. Well, I would if it wasn't for one small thing.
12:50Oh, yes, all right, Raymond.
12:52I don't want to go.
12:54Beryl, you'll get waited on at a hotel.
12:56Don't argue with me, Beryl. I'm doing this for you.
12:58Well, what about you?
13:00Well, I have to come too, won't I?
13:02I'm surprised there were any vacancies this late.
13:05We're lucky. We got a cancellation.
13:07Come on, Beryl. Come on, Beryl.
13:09We've got no duties here. We haven't got any kiddies to look after.
13:12All alone for Christmas night.
13:14Mummy and Daddy are scarpering.
13:16Going off and leaving us all alone in the deep midwinter.
13:19What's that got to do with this news?
13:21Oh, don't worry, Tracy.
13:23I'll look after us. I'll light a fire in the hearth with the furniture.
13:27Thank you, the Crabtree Reptory Company. We'll let you know.
13:30Come on, Beryl. Say goodbye as we're going.
13:32Actually, Dad, I don't think any of us are going to be here for Christmas.
13:34Nadia and I are going to spend it with some friends of hers,
13:36but Christmas is just one long party.
13:38Yes, and I'm going to stay with Mandy Smithers.
13:40Her parents are great.
13:42They always have a lovely time.
13:43You know, a real family Christmas.
13:45With presents.
13:47Yeah, so don't worry about any rave-ups here this evening.
13:49They'll all be conducted elsewhere.
13:51In fact, anywhere where we're welcome.
13:54Any home where there's a fire in the hearth,
13:56stockings hanging on the...
13:58Yes, well, we haven't got time for moving speeches.
14:00Come on, Beryl. We're moving.
14:02I thought very you wouldn't be here this Christmas.
14:04Oh, dear. Was she very upset?
14:05Well, put it this way.
14:06She snatched her Christmas card back and left.
14:08Do you think I ought to go round there, Arthur?
14:10I mean, we are leaving them on their own.
14:12We're not. They've got 127 animals round there for company.
14:15Look, we shall be meeting new, lively, interesting people, Beryl.
14:18Have a jolly exciting time.
14:20Can't wait to get there.
14:22Goodbye. Have a lovely, lovely Christmas.
14:25Bye. Come on, Beryl.
14:27Lovely time. Coming, Arthur.
14:33Waiter?
14:36Waiter?
14:38He's deaf.
14:39Go and get us a drink from the bar.
14:43They're playing April Showers.
14:47Who cares?
14:48I do. It's December.
14:50Hardly improves things, does it?
14:53Do you think they'd do requests?
14:55Might.
14:56Well, go and ask them if they'd stop playing, then.
14:59Let's get into the spirit of things, Beryl.
15:01It might liven up later.
15:03There'll be a lot more movement.
15:05Oh, yes. Maybe the trio will get up and change places.
15:08I'll get you a drink.
15:10Waiter?
15:12Waiter?
15:18I did call you.
15:20Can I have some drinks, please?
15:24Can we have some drinks, please?
15:27Can we have some drinks, please?
15:29No need to shout.
15:31I'm not deaf.
15:33What's this, then?
15:35A hearing aid.
15:37Well, you are, then, aren't you?
15:39Not if I switch it on. No.
15:44What time's dinner?
15:47What?
15:49Dinner.
15:51Dinner.
15:53That is not necessary.
15:55I can understand English when I hear it.
16:01Haven't you got one of our programmes?
16:03I have, but I thought we might have missed dinner.
16:06Why?
16:07The programme I was given was dated 1982.
16:11Christmas is always Christmas.
16:14The date is irrelevant.
16:17What drinks?
16:18Pardon?
16:21I said...
16:26What drinks?
16:28Drinks!
16:31Whiskey and soda.
16:33Gin and bitter lemon.
16:35Lemon.
16:36And the menu.
16:38Pardon?
16:40The menu!
16:44It is on your Christmas programme.
16:47My Christmas programme is two years out of date!
16:53Christmas fair here is traditional,
16:56whatever year you happen to be in,
16:59ever since Queen Victoria stayed here.
17:03I see.
17:04Can you remember what she had?
17:09We do not need a resident comedian.
17:12We have the palm court trio.
17:14Should we change our minds, we'll let you know.
17:17Just leave your room number.
17:23Evening.
17:26Evening.
17:32Good evening.
17:34Name's Lazenby Gough.
17:39Glad to have some company.
17:41There have been four cancellations, don't you know?
17:44Mainly due to illness, only.
17:46Something going round.
17:48Crabtree.
17:49Really? Is that it?
17:51Really, is that what it is?
17:55What is that exactly, a new strain of virus?
17:58My name, Crabtree.
18:00My wife, Beryl.
18:02Oh, stupid of me.
18:04Oh, yes, yes.
18:06Name's Lazenby Gough.
18:10Yes, I'm...
18:11I'm here with my, um...
18:14My, um...
18:16Um...
18:17Niece.
18:19Yes, my young niece.
18:21Flavia.
18:22Flavia.
18:23Of the month.
18:28Flavia.
18:31Come and meet Mr and Mrs Crabmeat.
18:36Are you here for the full four-day Christmas thing?
18:40Yes.
18:41Good grief.
18:45Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.
18:47I thought we were the only people alive round here.
18:50I don't know why we come here, Herbert, I really don't.
18:53Uncle Herbert.
18:54You what?
18:55Uncle Herbert.
18:57She forgets she's my niece sometimes, you know.
18:59I wanted to give somebody a Christmas treat
19:01when she's my only relative.
19:03She's an orphan.
19:05I don't often see to you, do I, niece?
19:08It was Uncle what brought me up, you know.
19:12Though why he brought me up here, I don't know.
19:15Some people might think he was ashamed of me.
19:18That might have dawned on some people.
19:21Especially orphans, what is sensitive
19:24and not as thick as what some people think.
19:27I brought you here, my dear, to this historic location
19:32at great expense
19:34because one thought that a young girl,
19:37which is what you led me to believe you were,
19:41might think it quite quaint.
19:44Quaint it ain't.
19:46Perhaps you ought to go and see what's happened to our drinks, Arthur.
19:50Yeah.
19:51What time does the dinner dance start?
19:54What time are you available, darling?
19:57Why don't you go upstairs, dear,
20:00and have a little lie down
20:03till the new year?
20:07That's rich coming from a grotty old codger like you.
20:11I am packing up and getting out.
20:14You'll be all right, dear.
20:16You've obviously done a lot better for yourself than I have.
20:19Oh, you're not exactly this year's model, are you?
20:22Oh, really? Well, I'm not a vintage old banger like you.
20:25Oh, yes, you are. You've just got a better paint job.
20:28Oh, very witty and amusing, I'm sure.
20:32Get lost.
20:35Thank you so much.
20:38Sorry about that.
20:40You know what relatives are.
20:43No, no, why don't you get Mr and Mrs Crabpaste a drink on me?
20:48Hmm? I say,
20:50Jonathan Athol here for one meal.
20:53You know, the old buffers' death is a post.
20:56He knows.
20:59Oh.
21:01If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go upstairs and have a little rest
21:05before I strangle that little darling.
21:09I'll see you later.
21:19Said we'd meet some lively people, Beryl.
21:22He's got a strangler.
21:25There must be some more people. They said they had 15 beds.
21:28Probably all in the same room.
21:32I'm sorry, Arthur, I don't want to stay here.
21:35I'm going to phone home. Look, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
21:38Beryl.
21:41I quite like it.
21:50Trimmer! Put that woman down!
21:53What are you doing?
21:55Very well, thank you.
21:57Don't do your sampling, the menu, dear. The pantry's empty.
22:00Come on, come on. I want to dance.
22:02I can't do the valita.
22:04Oh, all right, then, but my battery needs recharging.
22:07Where's the scotch?
22:09Well, Arthur always hides it in the cupboard under the stairs.
22:12And, um, bring that mistletoe with you.
22:14Someone in there wants to kiss me.
22:16Should I bring something for his guide dog?
22:24Oh!
22:34Well?
22:36There's nobody at home.
22:38Oh, let's go back, Arthur.
22:40If we leave now, we can still spend the rest of Christmas Eve in our own home.
22:44They're bound to ask me to pay if we cancel now.
22:46It'd be worth it just to get out of this place.
22:50All right, love.
22:52I'm giving away all of it Christmas, that's all.
22:54You've got a bottle of more whiskey at home.
22:56How do you know?
22:58Vera found it in the cupboard under the stairs
23:00when she borrowed my vacuum cleaner.
23:02Merry Christmas, Arthur, and thank you, wherever you are.
23:08Paul! What are you doing?
23:10Uh, just having a short break, love.
23:12Short break from what?
23:14Married life.
23:16Showing up with the women?
23:18Well, as it's Christmas, I felt a bit nostalgic.
23:20Oh, where are you taking me?
23:22What do you mean this is an old traditional Christmas
23:24to carry me up the stairs to the bedroom?
23:26It is. It's traditional. It's historic.
23:28It has a very, very old English custom.
23:30Oh, this I never heard of before.
23:32When does this tradition start?
23:34As soon as we get upstairs. Come on.
23:36Arthur! Down, Nigel. Go into the living room.
23:38There's no need to go berserk.
23:40Just because your parents are away, do you?
23:42We're just about to start charades in there.
23:44You'll be very good at miming the first title.
23:46Oh, yeah? What's that?
23:48I'm British. Thank you.
23:50I am not British, you know, Vera. I am half Scot.
23:52I think everyone can see that, Trevor.
23:54Just put that bottle back where you found it.
23:56I was only drinking Arthur's health, my love.
23:58Bottoms up.
24:00This...
24:02This is his Christmas present
24:04to me, as I shall explain
24:06to him upon his return.
24:08You know, he's not always aware of this,
24:10but he's a very generous man.
24:12And I hope he's having a marvellous time.
24:14It's not my fault, Meryl.
24:16Didn't run out of petrol on purpose, you know.
24:18Well, how come you didn't notice
24:20it was almost empty?
24:22Because I filled it up only a couple of days ago,
24:24and then apparently, and not entirely to my knowledge,
24:26everybody has been driving it around.
24:28Why didn't you fill it up, or Nigel, or Lorraine?
24:30Well, Raymond was...
24:32Ah, Raymond.
24:34I ought to get compensation from the manufacturers
24:36of that vehicle, because personally,
24:38I'm getting about ten miles to the tankful.
24:40Well, we...
24:42We might still find a petrol station that's open.
24:44On Christmas Eve?
24:46Already past two. Look, they had no intention of opening
24:48till well into the new year.
24:50I'm tired. How much further is it?
24:52Oh, about ten miles.
24:54Arthur!
24:56Oh, come on, Meryl.
24:58We can make it.
25:00In the army, I used to do route marches.
25:02We'd think nothing of yomping 30 miles.
25:04Well, you can yomp for 30 miles
25:06if you want to, Arthur.
25:08I don't think I could make another 30 yards.
25:10Just keep in step with me, Meryl.
25:12When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
25:14Left! Left!
25:16Left!
25:18Wait for me, Arthur!
25:24Oh, Raymond, where have you been?
25:26Shh, Freckle, I've been upstairs.
25:28I've moved most of our stuff.
25:30Moved it? Where to?
25:32I'm sick of us being in single beds.
25:34I've moved us into your mum and dad's room.
25:36Tonight, you will unwrap the most exciting present of your life.
25:38You'll find it on their double bed.
25:40Oh, what is it?
25:42Me!
25:44No!
25:50Bloody blister.
25:52How much further?
25:54Not many miles now.
25:56Keep going.
25:58You'd think someone would offer us a lift, wouldn't you?
26:00Season of goodwill and all that.
26:02Are you sure we're going in the right direction?
26:04Oh, yes.
26:06After all, it's Christmas Eve.
26:08What's that got to do with it?
26:10Just keep following that star that's rising in the east, love.
26:20Oh, thanks.
26:22Who's that?
26:32Oh, Tracy!
26:34Mum, what are you doing here?
26:36What's going on? I thought you'd all gone away.
26:38Hey, Mum, you're not supposed to be here.
26:40Hello, Mum. She's left him.
26:42Never mind, Mum.
26:44Don't you get upset. He had it coming.
26:46Oh, where is Dad?
26:48He's outside in the front doormat, I think.
26:50It was an awful little hotel, so he came on home.
26:52Oh, no, what about our double bed?
26:54Beryl!
26:56What's all this?
26:58Welcome home, Daddy!
27:00Comfort and joy, cha-cha-cha.
27:04Fear!
27:08I think I've had enough. I keep seeing Arthur.
27:16Arthur's all in.
27:18You had a marvellous time.
27:20It's a shame he couldn't stand the pain.
27:24Tracy, turn the music down.
27:26Don't let me spoil the party.
27:28Thanks, Dad.
27:30It's going to be a bit crowded in our double bed tonight, Tiger.
27:34I missed you.
27:38I had to walk 12 miles to get back here, Trevor.
27:40You must have missed me, then.
27:44You've been drinking whisky?
27:4612-year-old malt, a lovely present.
27:48Thank you, Arthur.
27:50Mind you,
27:52it has been a bit noisy here tonight.
27:56I do hope the neighbours don't complain.
28:00You are the neighbours.
28:02I am the neighbours.
28:04Well, I'm not complaining.
28:06I feel no pain.
28:10Turn the light out, Beryl. Let's get some sleep.
28:12I'm all in.
28:14Right.
28:16Merry Christmas.
28:18Peace on Earth.
28:24What's that?
28:26It's your ruddy turkey, Trevor.
28:28Oh, no.
28:30Oh, God.
28:32Oh, Christmas.
28:44Oh, Christmas.