No Place Like Home. S3/E1 'Marriage Guidance' William Gaunt
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00:00🎵
00:29PHONE RINGS
00:34Hello, Nigel's residence?
00:36Yeah, speaking.
00:37Who?
00:38Hello, Fiona.
00:41What a surprise.
00:43How long?
00:44Six months.
00:46Yeah, well, I've been meaning to ring you, but I lost your number.
00:49Of course I hadn't forgotten you. Really, I lost your number.
00:53And the pressure of work.
00:55Doing what? Well, er...
00:59Waiting really hard to go to college.
01:03Oh, Fiona.
01:06This is Fiona Singleton, isn't it?
01:11Of course it is. Of course it is.
01:13I mean, how many Fionas do I know?
01:18Now...
01:20What? When? Today?
01:22Yeah, I'd love to.
01:24The trouble is the Porsche's in for servicing.
01:27If I can just get a vehicle...
01:29Listen, can I call you back?
01:31Yes, yes, I've got your number.
01:35You thought I'd lost it.
01:37I thought I'd lost it.
01:39I have.
01:41Not... Got it. What is it?
01:46Got it. All right, I'll ring you back in a minute.
01:49Yeah, don't leave the phone. I'll call right back.
01:51Bye-bye, Fiona.
01:54Hello, Dad. Nigel.
01:56Not working today, then?
01:58Got the day off. Yeah, Mum said.
02:00Make a nice break. Have a quiet, peaceful day at home.
02:03I mean, there's no sense in having the day off
02:05and spending it rushing around in all the traffic.
02:07It's particularly heavy today, apparently,
02:09so it said on the radio.
02:11Heavy lorries going round diversions and jackknifing into roadworks
02:14because the traffic lights have failed again.
02:16You know, the usual stuff. Usual stuff.
02:18Mum's not using the car today either,
02:20so it's just going to be sitting out there all day long getting dirty.
02:24Car keys.
02:26Well, all right, if you insist.
02:28What would I do without you?
02:30Starve on foot.
02:32Starve on foot!
02:34That's great!
02:40Morning, Dad. Morning, love.
02:42Here's the mail. Thank you. Could I have a word with you?
02:44I wanted to ask you something. About you and Raymond, yes?
02:47Yes. We don't seem to be getting on.
02:49Yes, we have noticed that, Lorraine.
02:50In fact, we've been unwilling spectators
02:52at your marital ringside ever since the ceremony.
02:54But you've got to work at these things, love. Give it a chance.
02:56I was very young when I got married.
02:58It was only 18 months ago, love.
03:00I mean, I've matured a lot since then.
03:02I think I've outgrown Raymond.
03:04Well, tell him. Tell him he's no longer tall enough.
03:06Sorry, Dad. I expected to have a few ups and downs.
03:09Downs I will give you. Ups we have yet to see.
03:12I don't think I should have got married at all.
03:14I'm not sure we're entirely compatible.
03:16Do you think he was a mistake?
03:18Raymond? I don't know. You'd better ask his mother.
03:20Look, 18 months is only a period of probation, love.
03:23I've served 25 years, hard labour.
03:25Oh, come on. You and Mum are very compatible.
03:27That wasn't always the case.
03:29It's taken me this long to get her sorted out.
03:31Well, I think she's marvellous.
03:33Oh, thank you. It hasn't been easy, you know.
03:35Women see marriage differently from men, love.
03:37They come into the marital ring from opposite corners.
03:40They go into an initial clinch, hold on, grab hold of each other,
03:44and then there follows a period of infighting, weighing each other up.
03:47Eventually, with a bit of ducking and weaving, you hope you can go the distance.
03:50This is marriage, Dad, not a boxing match.
03:53Raymond isn't exactly a knockout, is he?
03:55Well, whatever the situation is between you and Raymond,
03:57I don't relish the role of a referee.
03:59All right, forget it. Sit down.
04:01Now, let's talk about it.
04:03First of all, how does Raymond feel about all this?
04:06Oh, I'm fed up, Dad, fed up.
04:08Could I have a word with you, please, about me and Lorraine?
04:10Oh, Lorraine.
04:11Look, I hope you're not going behind my back right here in front of my face.
04:14Now, look, Raymond, if you're here to protest to the referee, it's my day off,
04:17so go back to your corner, all right?
04:18Oh, yeah, and you're in her corner, I suppose.
04:20Yeah, discussing tactics.
04:21This is private, Raymond. I'm having a chat with Dad as he's got the day off.
04:24You could have a chat with me.
04:26I do happen to be partially involved, for better or worse.
04:28Well, it's only been worse so far, hasn't it?
04:30That's because you're not getting any better.
04:31Oh, don't jump the gun.
04:33I can't swim.
04:34See, that's all the thanks you get for sacrificing yourself for another.
04:36Another what?
04:37Another word out of you and I'll make you...
04:39End of round two. Seconds out.
04:41You just talk to me. Talk to me. Listen.
04:44This week on the barrel, the Crabtree Council for Incompatible Couples.
04:48Yeah, I'm sorry, love. I forgot you'd lost your sense of humour.
04:51Still mourning for Vera's hamster, are we?
04:53No, I think we ought to talk about this freely and openly
04:56so that Raymond and Lorraine can have their say here in the bosom of the family.
05:00Bosom of the family, Dad?
05:02Well, that's not much good. She hasn't got that much bosom anyway.
05:05I don't think this jolly jolly approach is very constructive, Dad.
05:08Neither do I, and that was uncalled for, Raymond.
05:11We don't want this discussion of your marital problems to descend to a personal level, OK?
05:15I'm sorry, Dad, but it's not about bosom, is it?
05:17Or any of the marital entertainments.
05:19What?
05:21It's about warmth.
05:23It's about that certain warm glow, about certain stifling emotions,
05:27torrid feelings, the flames of love and burning issues.
05:30Do you mind if I take my pullover off? It's getting a bit hot in here, isn't it?
05:33Perhaps we should open the window, Beryl.
05:35Look, why don't you sit down, Arthur, and let them have their say?
05:38Yes, all right. Look, we've gone over a lot of this before,
05:41so let's have something illuminating and original from you, Raymond.
05:49My wife doesn't understand me.
05:52Thank you, Raymond. Lorraine?
05:54Well, for a start, when we got married,
05:56Raymond had big plans about getting a good job, a good income and a nice home of our own.
06:01So far, all I've had is no money, empty promises and your spare room.
06:04It's not just that.
06:06Now, you see, Lorraine here has this idealistic picture of marriage.
06:09You know, romantic novels, hearts and flowers, Princess Di and cocktails for two,
06:14the ideal home exhibition. Well, life's not like that, Lorraine.
06:18I just don't happen to be an executive husband who wears a stockbroker belt.
06:21Yes, all right, all right.
06:23No, I'm not a woman's magazine husband.
06:25Tall, dark and handsome and carrying you off into our luxurious four-poster bed
06:30and continued on page 47.
06:34I'm me, Lorraine.
06:37I'm Raymond Codd.
06:39Dark, yes, but shorter.
06:41Not yet successful.
06:43Keeping alone in a camp bed with curly hair, buffeted by the economic situation.
06:47But I'm game.
06:49Very game.
06:52I'm not like my father. He was useless, but...
06:54I thought you didn't know your father.
06:56No, but me mother did. Well, on the one occasion.
07:00He was never a Prince Charming.
07:02He remained as the Frog.
07:04Because nobody wanted to kiss him, I expect.
07:07Yeah, and I know how he must have felt.
07:10Now, he never achieved nothing, but I will.
07:13Because I'm optimistic.
07:18Just trust me, Freckle, and you'll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel.
07:22Knowing you, Raymond, it'll probably be an express train coming towards us.
07:26That's not very helpful, is it?
07:28You see, I'm coming to the conclusion that it's your negative attitude
07:30that's at the bottom of this problem.
07:31You know, there are times when I really like your dad.
07:35That's not fair. It's not Lorraine's fault.
07:37Oh, you're bound to say that, aren't you?
07:38I mean, your children can never do any wrong in your eyes.
07:40I'm trying to be objective, not muddled emotions like most women.
07:44Yeah, no, no, no, be fair, Mummy's not like most women.
07:48My conclusions are based on logic and intellect,
07:50not addled emotion and irrational feminine bias.
07:54I can have my say if I want.
07:56Yes, you can, but we haven't got to it yet.
07:59I think Raymond is being sincere.
08:01In fact, I'm becoming extremely fond of him.
08:03I resent what you just said, Arthur.
08:05I do not go along with my kids just because they're my kids,
08:08and I am not motivated by emotion.
08:10I'm sorry, don't get emotional.
08:12I just said that Raymond was sincere, and I think he loves Lorraine.
08:16Not too much of that, Dad, I'm getting emotional.
08:18Look, so, so, he's unemployed a lot of the time,
08:20so he's irresponsible, he's a bit of a pain,
08:23so he's all mouth and trousers,
08:25so he gets up your nose, so he's got no money,
08:27so why the hell did you marry him in the first place?
08:30If you were going to throw the towel in now,
08:32you see, I haven't finished, love.
08:34He was different from all the other boys.
08:36He was fun, unpredictable, he'd got big plans.
08:40I loved him.
08:42Oh, I don't know, I'm just confused.
08:46Well, relax, Brooklyn, I'll de-confuse you.
08:49I am lovable and different.
08:51In fact, I'd go as far as to say unique, wouldn't you, Dad?
08:54You're unique, Aurora.
08:55Oh, this isn't helping at all, Arthur, and you've upset Lorraine.
08:58Oh, dear, if it's my fault, is it?
09:00Your children, right or wrong, willing to sacrifice anything,
09:03including me, Beryl, you're undermining me, Beryl.
09:05Yes, you are, ever since you welcomed them back here with open arms
09:07and you made them so comfortable.
09:08Just wait a minute, this is our round.
09:10Keep out of this.
09:11Well, Beryl?
09:13Oh, God, she's started now.
09:15Tears, the ultimate female weapon.
09:17You've made everything worse, Dad, and now you upset Mum.
09:21I'm going to my room.
09:22I'll come and join you, Daddy Lorraine.
09:24Yeah, Anna, I will.
09:25No, you won't.
09:29Yeah, well, I'll see you in the greenhouse, Dad.
09:32See you in there.
09:35As we both appear to be in the compost.
09:41No.
09:49I'm sorry, Beryl.
09:51I just wanted a quiet day off, that's all.
09:54I suppose I got a bit emotionally involved, didn't I?
09:57A bit turgid.
09:59Perhaps we both did.
10:01Yes, you're probably right.
10:03Marriage guidance, that could be the answer.
10:05I'll arrange for Raymond and Lorraine to go along and see them.
10:08And then we'll have a little chat later, all right?
10:10Just you and me, yeah?
10:14About your selfless devotion to the family.
10:16Oh, God, it's so infuriating!
10:19Yes, go on, upstairs!
10:20Go on, have a good howl!
10:22Yes, let's have some syncopated sobbing!
10:24Yes, the two of you, in stereo!
10:26Sometimes I wish Adam had kept his bloody ribs to himself!
10:33Hey, you've got your marriage licence with you, Lorraine.
10:35Why would I want that?
10:36They might want to check it's the right licence.
10:38Seen as I've been leading a dog's life for 18 months.
10:42Are you sure this is a good idea, Dad?
10:44I mean, I said I'd give it a try.
10:46But what about him and his disruptive attitude?
10:48It's your attitude that's caused my attitude.
10:50You were incompatible to me before I was ever incompatible to you.
10:54All right, calm down, Raymond.
10:56You can have your say when we get there.
10:58I'm sorry, Dad.
10:59But to me, marriage has been one long process
11:02of finding out what sort of man my wife would have preferred.
11:05Hang on, darling, we'll be there in a moment.
11:09Oh, you crap trees.
11:11Oh, come on, Raymond.
11:13It's better than going to the dentist.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:25Excuse me, we're looking for the marriage guidance office.
11:27Oh, yeah, we've just come from there.
11:29It's through these doors, up the stairs, second floor,
11:31down the corridor, about the fourth door on the left.
11:34Best of luck. Thank you.
11:36You see, they seem to have got something out of it.
11:38Oh, yeah, Mavis and I have just agreed to a divorce.
11:40Haven't we, love? Yeah.
11:43Good, innit?
11:47Thanks, Dad.
11:54That's the last time I listen to your mother!
11:56She's made ten of you, you pig!
11:59Well, I'd rather take him to the dentist.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:10Just leave it out, Dad. Come on. Ow!
12:13Keep an eye on him.
12:21Ed Kyan?
12:24Mr Benroy? Er, yes.
12:26Yes, I phoned earlier in the week. Spoke to some girl.
12:29Oh, yes, er, Mr Crabtree, it's 10.30.
12:32It's very prompt. Do sit down. Thank you.
12:36Are you on your own?
12:38Er, well... We normally cancel both parties.
12:42The others are waiting outside.
12:44The others?
12:46Yes, I thought we'd have a little chat first, you know,
12:48explain things, fill in the background.
12:50It won't take a minute. Right. Yes.
12:52Well, it's not been easy fixing this up.
12:54It was my wife's idea.
12:56Yes, I see. Yes. Right.
12:58Well, I tried to sort it out for myself,
13:00but I think I'm too emotionally involved.
13:03And I think I've put up with the situation long enough.
13:05How long have you put up with these marital problems?
13:08Er, about 18 months. 18 months.
13:10Since not long after the marriage.
13:13I was against the wedding in the first place.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:16You were? Yes, yes.
13:18But she seemed to know what she was doing
13:20and she was quite determined at the time.
13:22She's over 21, so I went along with it in the end.
13:25So it's, what, 18 months? Yes.
13:27And how old is she? 24.
13:3124? Mm.
13:33And how old are you, Mr Crabtree?
13:35Er, I'm...I'm 51.
13:39You're 51. Mm.
13:41And it doesn't seem to be working out.
13:43Why would you say that is, Mr Crabtree?
13:46It could be him.
13:49Him? Raymond. Raymond Codd.
13:51He's 27. He's outside, actually.
13:54Yes, personally, I think her feelings for him have changed
13:56since the wedding. She's gone off him.
13:58He can be a bit of a pain and he has been out of work a lot
14:01and, er, I've been supporting him.
14:03You have? Yeah.
14:05I mean, they seem to be very involved with each other at first,
14:08but since he's been living at my place...
14:10Er, just a minute. He's living with you?
14:12Oh, yes. Yes, unfortunately.
14:14And now their relationship has deteriorated
14:16to the point where it's getting on my nerves.
14:18He tries hard and I've had a word with her,
14:20but she won't listen to me.
14:22Well, it's getting rather difficult.
14:24Yes, I can imagine.
14:26I mean, I've tried to get them together,
14:28but I seem to be out of my depth.
14:31Yes, I'm beginning to have the same feeling.
14:34My wife is very upset.
14:36I mean, she sides with her daughter.
14:38Oh, her daughter? She has a daughter?
14:40Yes, yes. Two daughters.
14:43And two sons.
14:46And two sons?
14:48Yes, we all live together and, er, and then there's, er...
14:51Him.
14:53I think he's going to be uncooperative.
14:55I think you'll have a problem there. I had a job to get him to come.
14:58Is your wife outside?
15:00Oh, no. No, she's at home.
15:02Who is outside?
15:04My daughter Lorraine and her husband.
15:07Ah, and Nigel.
15:09Who is Nigel?
15:11Nigel is a baby. No, he's a son.
15:13He's rather big for his age.
15:15I brought him along as reinforcements
15:17in case we have any aggro from...
15:19Him.
15:21Right, well, that's the whole picture.
15:24I'll be running along, then.
15:29Who would you like to see first?
15:31Him.
15:33Really?
15:35I thought you might benefit from this initial chat
15:37as we're both mature men.
15:39Are you married? Yes.
15:41Happily? Mr Crabtree, my affairs have nothing to do with you.
15:45Affairs?
15:47Mr Crabtree, I'm trying to ascertain
15:49exactly who it is who has the problem
15:51and what the problem is.
15:53I explained everything to the girl on the phone.
15:55I thought you knew. No.
15:57You don't. Would you like some guidance?
15:59Yes.
16:01It's a coincidence, isn't it? Why?
16:03That's why we're here.
16:07I can manage.
16:09No, Freckle, I insist, I absolutely do.
16:11You might drop it. Of course I won't, my love.
16:13A complete kitchen and crockery set for your bottom drawer, isn't it?
16:15Yes, it's where we get our own place.
16:17We will do, Rainy. I've been doing positive thinking
16:19where you visualise what you want and believe you're going to get it.
16:21Been visualising a lot of things about you lately, Rainy.
16:24Raymond, I can manage.
16:26Nobody can manage Raymond except you, Rainy.
16:28Now, come on.
16:30Be careful. No.
16:32Come on, let's go upstairs and unwrap everything.
16:34We don't want crockery all over our bedroom.
16:36Who said anything about crockery?
16:39I'm a vacuum cleaner.
16:41Oh!
16:44Oh!
16:46What are you doing? You'll wake him up.
16:48Oh, don't be ridiculous. He's been howling all night.
16:51He's dead to the world.
16:53That's not my fault. And I've been up all night as well.
16:55Oh, I know. That's why you've been behaving like a bear with a saw.
16:58Hello, Mum.
17:00Hello, Louise. Hello, Paul.
17:02Oh, look at him. Isn't he peaceful?
17:04He wouldn't have said that at two o'clock this morning.
17:07Really irritable and impossible.
17:09Yes, you were often like that when you were a baby.
17:11He's still like that now.
17:13Oh, thank you. Evening, all.
17:17I mean, I said.
17:19He's half way around. It is our sherry hour.
17:21Oh, yes, he's a bit late, Trevor.
17:23He should be here in about five minutes.
17:25As a matter of fact, I couldn't find the sherry.
17:27The cupboard is bare.
17:29Well, there isn't any. I drank it all last night.
17:31You? What were you trying to do, dead in the pain?
17:33Yes.
17:35And he'll be here in about five minutes.
17:37Trevor!
17:39You see, do you have to do that now?
17:41Your father will be here in a minute.
17:43I've been working all day and I'm going out in a minute.
17:45This is the only chance I've got, Mum.
17:47Excuse me, Beryl. Trevor!
17:49You shouted, my dearest.
17:51You...
17:53Do you know what he did?
17:55Told me he'd buried Little Flo under the rhododendron bush.
17:57Instead of which, she's six inches down in his cabbage pouch.
18:01Why did you do it, Trevor?
18:03Little Flo always loved cabbages.
18:05They did her a lot of good and now...
18:07Little Flo!
18:09No!
18:11I told you to let me carry it, but you insisted, didn't you?
18:13Got to have your own way.
18:15Yes, you are unique, Raymond. There's only one of you and I had to...
18:17Why didn't you just shout a bit louder, Lorraine?
18:19Let everybody know.
18:21What about you? What you said to that marriage guidance counsellor?
18:23That every time you came anywhere near me, I went rigid.
18:25I did not say that. See, you're wrong again.
18:27No, no, what was it then?
18:29Frigid.
18:33Hello, little fella.
18:35Good, good, good, good.
18:37You woken the baby again, Dad?
18:41Oh, no, he's woken up again.
18:43Why don't you do something, Louise?
18:45What do you want me to do? Get him adopted?
18:47Why don't you do something?
18:49I saw you sneezing right by her cage.
18:51I was not responsible for her demise, Vera.
18:53You were.
18:55You gave her all those expensive chocolates I bought you.
18:57You warm-up whipped her to death.
18:59Oh, no!
19:01Your father's dinner's incinerated!
19:03Your father's dinner's incinerated!
19:05I didn't know it was in there.
19:07Quiet!
19:11Beryl, would you please accompany me to the greenhouse?
19:13Why?
19:15Because the way you've got things organised,
19:17it's the only place left where we can have a quiet talk about what is going on.
19:19I don't think I want a quiet talk, Arthur.
19:21Beryl, out!
19:23What's this then, the Nuremberg rally?
19:25The time has come for a few home truths.
19:27Like what?
19:29Like, like, like, like, this used to be my home before you all came back here.
19:31I'm just about to tell your very accommodating mother what is what.
19:33The rest of you can leave.
19:35Beryl, go to the greenhouse.
19:39Excuse me.
19:43You hyperfure, Trevor.
19:45We shall leave immediately.
19:49I'll come back with some sherry.
19:51Don't fraternise with the enemy.
19:55Oh, I wish I had your courage, Dad.
19:57Yeah.
19:59And don't worry, me and Lorraine will go back to the marriage guidance council.
20:01Yet, tomorrow morning, first thing.
20:03Marvellous leadership.
20:07Are you sure this is the answer, Mum?
20:09I think so, Lorraine.
20:11It's about time I took a hand in all this.
20:13I've had a good chat with Mr Pettifer
20:15and I'm sure that after what I've told him,
20:17that nice Mr Pettifer will sort him out.
20:19I hope so.
20:21We can't go on like this.
20:23Do you think he'll listen?
20:25Either he does, Lorraine,
20:27or we shall have to pack his bags.
20:29Say, if you can get things into perspective,
20:31try and control
20:33what seems to be a natural tendency
20:35towards irritability.
20:37Try and be more considerate.
20:39A turgid emotional reaction
20:41just won't do.
20:43I mean, it won't help.
20:45You're putting your wife into a very difficult situation.
20:47I mean, you're making...
20:51It won't help.
20:55It won't help.
21:25It won't help.