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00:30Ah, Beryl. I can't stop now, I'm too busy.
00:35Beryl! Look, I've loads of washing to do and I'm getting the breakfast. I'm sorry, but I...
00:40Stop! What? Stop knocking yourself out. Stop running around. Remember your age.
00:44Well, that's odd, coming from you. You forgot my birthday last week.
00:47Yeah, well, don't bring that up again. I told you, I lost me diary.
00:50Yeah, I confused it with our wedding anniversary. Never forget that, do I?
00:54Can't very well. November the 4th, next day the fireworks started.
00:58I haven't time to stand here listening to all this, Arthur.
01:00Yeah, but it's you I'm concerned with, love. You're flogging yourself to death.
01:04To tell you the truth, you're beginning to look like a worn-out, weary washerwoman.
01:07Oh, thank you, Arthur. How sweet. If you'll excuse me, I'll just get back to the tub.
01:12The situation is beginning to worry me, Beryl. And it's you I'm concerned with, love, because I care.
01:18Well, I appreciate that, Arthur, but I think you're exaggerating.
01:21No, I'm not. I haven't got a clean shirt, my blue suit hasn't been pressed and I haven't got any socks in my sock drawer again.
01:27I thought it was me you were concerned about.
01:29Well, it is, love. You're doing too much since they've all come back.
01:32You should now only have to care for me.
01:35I wonder why we had four children then, Arthur.
01:37Yeah, so do I, often. I think it was because family planning hadn't caught on in those days.
01:43Oh, well, we were a fairly ignorant youngsters, Beryl. Married at 21.
01:47No easy access to the, uh, requisites.
01:51To what?
01:52Well, it wasn't easy to purchase the necessary articles unless you were prepared to have four haircuts a week.
01:58Arthur!
01:59Chemists were a dead loss. Some young girls popping up behind the counter.
02:03I once had 27 bottles of Lucasse before I found one with a male assistant.
02:08Why bring all this up now?
02:10Barbers were a dead loss too. I had a crew cut in those days.
02:13I see. And we had four kids on account of your hairstyle.
02:17Well, not only that. I mean, for a start, you were very hot-blooded in those days, Beryl.
02:21Before the fire went out.
02:24I mean, died down a little. I'm not saying that we don't rake over the embers occasionally.
02:28Arthur, I don't like the drift of this conversation.
02:31And I had enough of your insinuations at that dinner dance the other night.
02:34When you asked the band to play our theme song.
02:36No, it was a romantic gesture, Beryl.
02:38What, strangers in the night?
02:41Yes, well, I'm not above the odd subtle hint.
02:44Anyway, don't change subject. What's wrong is I haven't got a clean shirt.
02:47My suit hasn't been pressed and I can't find any socks.
02:49Oh, all right, Arthur. Don't keep on our seat to it.
02:52But I think we're lucky to have four lovely kids and I don't mind them being here.
02:56They're pretty good and considerate and after all these years...
02:58They're still here!
03:00And I suppose at this moment they're lying in bed with their noses sticking out over the sheets waiting till they smell breakfast.
03:04You're so unfair on them.
03:06Oh, look, I'll sort you out a shirt and some clean socks in a minute.
03:10Now, just go and slip your dressing gown on for the time being.
03:13Good job I don't have to go to work today.
03:18Oh, I can smell breakfast. Morning, Dad.
03:21Is it bacon eggs? Hi, Daddy.
03:23Oh, I'm starving. Morning, Dad.
03:27Excuse me.
03:32Morning.
03:44Pardon me interrupting this nosh-in. Where's mine?
03:47Sorry, Dad, we thought you'd had yours.
03:49Mother said there'd be some for me.
03:51Well, we didn't know that, Pop. Sorry, there's none left.
03:53Oh, I'm sorry you weren't informed.
03:55Perhaps I could put an end down for lunch before it's too late.
03:57Where's your mother? Outside bringing the washing in.
03:59Yeah, Nigel and I are playing football this afternoon.
04:01We washed all their gear and it started to rain so she had to bring it in.
04:04Here you are, Dad. I've got some bacon left.
04:06Hey, you can have this too. I've only eaten half of it.
04:09Piece of toast here can help.
04:11Part of the egg is my gift, Dad.
04:15Thank you very much.
04:17I'm very touched. The leftovers.
04:21Hold it. Hold it right there. What?
04:23Just hold it. Any particular position?
04:25As you are, I'll do. Now, take a good look, all of you.
04:27This is your mother. This is her life.
04:29We've flown her direct from the washing line
04:31and tonight, Arthur Crabtree, this is your wife.
04:34Shut up, shut up, shut up.
04:36Put it down now, girl, put it down.
04:38Oh, thank you very much, dear. Should I strike a pose or anything?
04:41No, I just want to see what's happening here.
04:43Just bear with me a moment, darling, will you?
04:45What's all this about? It's about your mother.
04:47It's about the extra work she's having to do.
04:49It's about what she's been reduced to.
04:51You mean she's gone on a diet?
04:53Look, for more than 20 years,
04:55this woman has strived away to bring up a family
04:57and then in the early autumn of her years,
04:59at last, you all leave.
05:01Arthur, I prefer late summer to early autumn, if you don't mind.
05:04Don't interrupt, please, Belle.
05:06And now, for various reasons, none of which are convincing,
05:09all of you are back here and this woman, your mum,
05:11is becoming a skivvy.
05:13Oh, come on! A skivvy!
05:15A woman who is willing but not so able as she used to be.
05:18A woman... A woman who is...
05:20Just a handful of glowing embers available for the occasional raking over.
05:23Belle, please.
05:25I'd also ask you to consider who else she is.
05:27Our mum is also somebody else?
05:29The answer is she is also my wife.
05:32Good. At least we're all legitimate.
05:34No. At least we're all legitimate.
05:36Yes, this...
05:38This overworked, downtrodden, weary, wet little woman
05:42is also a wife. A wife.
05:44A wife who has a concerned and caring husband.
05:46Mum, you've never been committing bigamies.
05:49Tracy, Tracy, I'm trying to be serious.
05:51I get enough lip from him. Just button it, will you?
05:53Sorry, Dad, go on.
05:55Breakfast 10am edition will never compete with this.
05:57Speaking as a father, I have to tell you
05:59that your mother is someone I get what's left over of.
06:02Awful English, Dad.
06:04Yes. Yes, well, this poor, pathetic piece of humanity,
06:08this remnant of a once-ravishing female,
06:10this remainder of our...
06:12Just a moment, just a moment. I'm not standing here being insulted.
06:14Well, sit down, then, love, cos I haven't finished yet.
06:17Yes, you have.
06:19Yes, I think you're being ridiculous.
06:21Mum's still very attractive. Sit down, Mum.
06:23I think that's rotten.
06:25Yeah, you're not exactly Robert Redford, are you?
06:27So what? Your mother doesn't like Robert Redford.
06:29No, she prefers the Incredible Hulk.
06:32No, I think Dad's being very insulting.
06:34You take no notice of her.
06:36Look, look, look, all I want to know is, is this good enough for her?
06:39This continual housework, this caring for five adults
06:42when she shouldn't be just caring for one?
06:44Oh, that's very kind of you, Dad, very kind,
06:46but the question is, are you and the rest of them prepared to leave?
06:49Look, look, having bought up a family,
06:51she should be able to relax, right?
06:53She should be able to take up hobbies,
06:55she should be able to give more attention to her interests
06:57and the interests of her husband.
06:59She's not just a glorified charlady.
07:01Have you ever thought of getting a job, Mum?
07:03Well, she doesn't want a job.
07:05Besides, she hasn't got any qualification.
07:07What did you do before you got married?
07:09I worked in a shop.
07:11That's where I first met your father.
07:13He was a customer.
07:14Oh, what sort of shop?
07:15Probably a pawnbroker's shop.
07:17No, no, your mother was an assistant in a high-class stationer's.
07:20I went in for a tube of glue...
07:22And you've stuck together ever since.
07:26Very funny, very funny.
07:27How did he chat you up in the stationery shop, then?
07:29Oh, he was waiting for me outside when the shop closed.
07:31He was just standing there.
07:33Stationery.
07:35Go on.
07:36What happened after you met her outside?
07:38Went for a walk.
07:39Went for a walk!
07:40Oh, we did.
07:41People used to go for walks in those days.
07:43May come as a shock to you motorised maniacs,
07:45but couples used to actually enjoy casual walking.
07:49As times have changed, now they enjoy casual...
07:51Yes, all right, Arthur.
07:53Whereas before, feet were just appendages
07:55you put on the accelerator and the clutch.
07:57Which was Dad when you first met him, Mum?
07:59An accelerator or a clutch?
08:01Well, actually, he was quite shy.
08:03Oh, come on!
08:04He used to blush a lot.
08:06To bring this up, Beryl? I don't see any point.
08:08You're not embarrassed, are you, Dad?
08:09Yeah, he's not blushing yet.
08:10His nose looks a bit red.
08:12That's not bashfulness, that's just the booze.
08:15Why is it impossible to make a serious point in this house?
08:18Because you're being silly.
08:19Listen, Mum, why don't you get yourself a job?
08:22Yes.
08:23Well, it has been rather a long time since I...
08:25Oh, but then I'm not really qualified, am I?
08:27Except for housework and sewing and cooking.
08:29Perhaps you could find yourself a nice widower, with no kids.
08:32Yes, perhaps we could change the subject.
08:34Like, could I have some breakfast, please, Beryl?
08:36What?
08:37They've eaten it all again.
08:38Go on, Mum.
08:39Throw off the shackles.
08:40Get out there and show them what you can do.
08:42Yeah, I'll find you a job.
08:43Don't you find yourself a job?
08:45I am a self-employed motor dealer.
08:47Motor dealer?
08:48A couple of rusted old bangers were sailing our drive.
08:50Scrap merchant, more like.
08:51Why is it necessary for you to cause arguments over breakfast?
08:54Oh, I wouldn't know, Beryl.
08:55I never get any.
08:56Oh.
08:57Let's all try and find Mum a job.
08:59Like what?
09:00Just keep out of this, will you?
09:01Well, how about the local laundry?
09:03As a weary washerwoman.
09:04Beryl, Beryl, a job is out of the question.
09:06Why?
09:07Well, your qualifications are a bit limited, love,
09:09and you've hardly kept up with modern-day business practices and so on.
09:12Oh, we'll soon bring you up to date, Mum.
09:14We'll find you something.
09:15I'll have a look in the local paper.
09:16Yeah, I'll pop into the job centre.
09:17And we'll get you looking all glam, and I'll do your hair for you.
09:20We'll produce a new, saleable version of you.
09:22Mum Mark Two.
09:23Yeah.
09:24You're not just a glorified charlady.
09:26Well, she wouldn't be if you did your fair shares.
09:28And trying to get your Mum a job is not a good idea.
09:31You'd just be putting her through a series of disappointments and rejections.
09:33Well, thank you for your confidence in me, Arthur.
09:35Well, I'm just being realistic, love.
09:37I mean, there's a lot of unemployment about now, your age.
09:39She looks very young for her age.
09:41Yes.
09:42I'm sure lots of employers will be willing to take you on.
09:44Well, I just don't want to see your mother's feelings hurt, that's all.
09:46I'm not implying that she's going downhill fast.
09:48Well, if she was going downhill fast, we could soon find her a job.
09:50As what?
09:51An Olympic skier.
09:53I'm so sorry.
09:58Where did you find this job?
10:00Here in the local paper.
10:01Look, mature sales assistant required.
10:03All you've got to do is ring up.
10:04We've arranged it all.
10:05Yes, go on, Mum.
10:06And if you don't get it, I've got another possible lined up.
10:08Mr. Bentley from my place is going to give you a ring.
10:10Oh, but I...
10:11All you've got to do is phone up.
10:12We've told them you had shop experience.
10:14Well, I hope you didn't tell them when.
10:15Well, we left out one or two minor historical details.
10:17The advert says good wages and conditions.
10:19Which is better than you get here.
10:21Well, have you spoken to your father about this?
10:23Mum, Mum, Mum, you don't need his permission.
10:25We're liberating you.
10:26Yes, Mum, you now have what is called equality.
10:29Hello?
10:30Ah, yes, I believe I spoke to you earlier
10:32regarding the vacancy in which my mother may be interested.
10:36Yes, that's right, she's here now.
10:38Hold on, I have Mrs. Beryl Crabtree for you.
10:42Hello?
10:44Yes, that's right.
10:46I, um, I...
10:48Understand you have a vacancy.
10:50I understand you have a vacancy.
10:53Oh, yes, I see.
10:55Oh, well, it was some time ago.
10:58Well, yes.
11:00Yes, I think I might be able to.
11:02Of course you can.
11:04Well, all right then, yes, 9.30 tomorrow morning.
11:07Yes, Mr. Williams.
11:09Right, I'll be there then.
11:11Thank you very much.
11:13Goodbye.
11:14I've got an interview, I'll have us 9 tomorrow morning.
11:17Wait, wait, wait.
11:18Wait, did you ask him where it was?
11:20No, no, I didn't.
11:22Oh, dummy.
11:25Try to keep your wits about you, Mum.
11:28I shall feel choked if you cock this up.
11:30Oh, dear.
11:31Ah, hello, Mr. Williams.
11:32Ah, yes, Paul Crabtree, son of Beryl.
11:35Just spoken to you.
11:36Yes, yes.
11:37Well, my mother naturally assumed that I had already, um,
11:40obtained the name and address of your gift shop.
11:43What's it called?
11:45The Gift Shop.
11:46That's original.
11:47And the address?
11:49Right.
11:50Much obliged.
11:52Bye-bye.
11:53Right, it's all set.
11:54We can get started on the Mark II version as soon as you like.
11:57We've got to get her ready for 9 o'clock in the morning.
12:00Come on, Mum, I'll give you a mud pack and a facial.
12:02Oh, well, I...
12:03No, no, no.
12:04No hesitation.
12:05You're about to be rejuvenated and repackaged now.
12:07Come on, Mum.
12:08Oh, Mr. Bentley from Tracey's office is going to phone you this evening as well
12:11about a possible vacancy.
12:12You see, Mum, you're in demand.
12:13Yes, you're on the launching pad and we're all ready to commence the countdown.
12:17After a quarter of a century, we're going to put you into orbit.
12:20Oh, dear.
12:21Right, get her upstairs and start pre-launch procedure.
12:23But what about the dinner?
12:24Oh, we got together and worked out a rota.
12:26Thursday the 19th, that's today, Nigel and I prepare dinner.
12:30From now until 9am tomorrow, Lorraine and Tracey prepare Mother.
12:35So just relax and enjoy it, Mum.
12:36You've been liberated.
12:37Yes.
12:38Oh!
12:39What's he going to do for you?
12:41Oh, listen.
12:42Roger Dunne, who owns the florist in Boswell Street,
12:44is going to call round here this evening.
12:46He needs a sales assistant.
12:47He told me he was an old flame of Mum's.
12:49Oh, good, good.
12:50Let's hope he's still flickering a bit then.
12:51Oh.
12:53Yeah, I reckon we got things underway.
12:56Larry Marston's phoning Mum.
12:58You know, the guy that owns that second-hand car place.
13:01Says he might be able to offer her a job in the office.
13:03How do you manage that?
13:04Just a bit of polite blackmail.
13:07He tried to sell me a car with 35,000 miles on the clock.
13:10Might have been genuine.
13:11It was ten years old.
13:13It belonged to a sales rep whose area covered 3,000 miles.
13:16I checked.
13:18That's a bit dodgy, isn't it?
13:19Yeah.
13:20Larry Marston's round so many clocks back,
13:21he's living permanently in the past.
13:25Well, well, what's going on here?
13:29Work rotor, Thursday the 19th, duty cooks, Nigel and Paul.
13:34Ah, I'm glad to see some of my recommendations
13:36didn't fall on stony ground.
13:38Aye, well, following your recent hysterical outburst,
13:40I convened a meeting of the Crabtree Juniors
13:43and decided by a majority of four,
13:45the brothers and the sisters, to accept flexible rostering.
13:48For which we shall expect a considerable reduction
13:51in our weekly contributions.
13:52Aye, and you'll be informed by a spokesman when your tea's ready.
13:55Yes, well, this...
13:57This meeting you convened,
13:59was there any talk of a total walkout by the Crabtree Juniors?
14:03No.
14:04No? Pity.
14:05What's for dinner?
14:06We're having an inaugural bash at cottage pie,
14:08with apricot surprise to follow.
14:11These are peaches.
14:12That's the surprise.
14:17Where's your mother?
14:18Your poor, worn-out, overworked, downtrodden wife
14:21is upstairs having a rest and Tracy's giving her a facial.
14:23Oh, blimey.
14:24This cottage pie looks like the roof's collapsed.
14:27Doesn't matter.
14:28Just bang a bit more of that on and smooth that round
14:31and then shove a few of these carrots in here
14:33to shore up the edges a bit, you see.
14:35You'd normally need planning permission for that.
14:38I'll get it!
14:40Yes, 4793.
14:43Who?
14:44Yeah, who's that speaking?
14:47Joe Bentley.
14:48Just hang on a moment, please.
14:50Beryl!
14:52Who is it?
14:53Some man wanting to talk to your mother.
14:56Beryl!
14:58What's going on here?
14:59Who's this Mr Bentley?
15:01We'll inform you when your supper's ready.
15:03I know Annie, but Danny.
15:08Good, what are they doing to you?
15:10Just a little restoration work.
15:11Oh, your wife, Dad.
15:12We will tell you, innit?
15:14Beryl Crabtree?
15:15Oh, yes, hello.
15:17Yes, certainly.
15:18What time tomorrow?
15:19What time for what?
15:20It's all right.
15:22Following your recent anguished remarks,
15:24we have decided to take over
15:26on the basis that you've been cocking things up for 25 years.
15:29So why don't you just take things easy?
15:30Mum's just had a telephone call, not a fit.
15:33It's all very suspicious, this, you know.
15:34What is?
15:35You cooking dinner, bringing me beer, nuts,
15:38taking notice of something I said.
15:41Not sure I like it.
15:44Did you like the cottage pie, then?
15:51How about you?
15:55Yeah, well, I suppose you could say that.
15:56Beryl!
15:58Beryl!
15:59What's he want now?
16:00Probably wants Mum to change channel on the telly for him.
16:04She's upstairs, Dad.
16:05Tracey's just finishing her facial.
16:07What's the matter?
16:08Oh, galloping indigestion.
16:10That cottage pie should have been condemned by the local council.
16:13I'll get this in my car, Dad.
16:15Wasn't that bad.
16:17At least they had a girl.
16:18Yes, at my digestive system.
16:26It's probably for me.
16:27I'll answer it, love.
16:28It's probably for me.
16:29Yes, 4793.
16:31What?
16:33Mrs Beryl Crabtree, yeah?
16:35Who's that speaking, please?
16:37Mr Larry Marston, yes?
16:39Are the men on the phone for you, Beryl?
16:43Beryl Crabtree?
16:47Oh, hello.
16:48Yes, yes, my son did mention it.
16:51Yes, that would be lovely.
16:53Yes.
16:54Yes, I can certainly.
16:565.30 tomorrow, then.
16:59Bye.
17:00Now, what was all that about?
17:01You just come and sit down, Pop.
17:03Everything's under control.
17:04Beryl, who are these men?
17:06Never you mind.
17:07Probably from the laundry, looking for a weary washerwoman.
17:10Oh, by the way, Dad, Trevor wanted to pop round next door and see him.
17:13Right.
17:14Get off.
17:16What's going on here?
17:17Strange men ringing up your mother, everyone trying to keep me out of the way?
17:20I don't know about you, but I'm really disappointed.
17:22We've got a dad with a nasty, suspicious mind.
17:25Probably paranoia.
17:26Yes.
17:27The next thing is he'll accuse Mum of having gentlemen call us while he's out.
17:30Don't be ridiculous.
17:32We're going.
17:33I'm coming round next door to see Trevor.
17:36Any objections?
17:48Oh, excuse me.
17:49This is 19 Linden Avenue, isn't it?
17:52Yes, why?
17:53I'm looking for Mrs Beryl Crabtree.
17:55Why?
17:56What are you, a gentleman caller?
17:58You'll find her.
18:00Just a moment.
18:01What do you want her for?
18:03I really don't think that's any of your business.
18:05Excuse me.
18:13Yes?
18:14I'm Mr Crabtree.
18:15Yeah.
18:16Hang on.
18:26Mum?
18:27Just coming.
18:28I'm afraid to undo my hair in the morning.
18:30I don't...
18:31Oh!
18:32Good God.
18:33Good evening.
18:34Oh.
18:35Roger.
18:36Oh.
18:37Roger Dunn, isn't it?
18:39Yes.
18:40How did you know my name?
18:41I heard you might be calling.
18:44Yeah.
18:45Yes, I was looking for a Mrs Beryl Crabtree.
18:49I used to know her years ago, and I heard that she was looking for a job.
18:53I have a florist's shop in town.
18:56Oh, yes.
18:57Yes, yes.
18:58Used to be a girlfriend of mine.
19:00Awfully long time ago, of course, before she got married.
19:03Yes, a very pretty girl, I remember, in those days.
19:07Well, she's not in, I'm afraid, because she's...
19:11She's out.
19:12She's out.
19:13Ah.
19:15I need an assistant, you see, for my shop.
19:19What is that on your face?
19:20Mud.
19:22Mud pack, for the skin.
19:26Well, I'll tell her you called, Roger, when she...
19:29Roger Dunn called, when she comes.
19:32Ah, there you are, Beryl.
19:34Good God, what's that on your face?
19:36Oh, not that awful, separating rash again.
19:38Oh, well, I suppose this will ease a visitor.
19:41A visitor.
19:42How do you do?
19:43Arthur Crabtree, I met outside.
19:44Mm-hmm, yes.
19:45Flowers.
19:46Flowers for you, darling.
19:47Oh, how kind.
19:48How kind.
19:49Flowers from an old, old flame.
19:51Yes, yes, yes.
19:52We keep her indoors most of the time.
19:57Go on upstairs, darling.
19:58Keep warm.
19:59Before the face cracks.
20:00Awfully kind of you to call round.
20:02Perhaps we could consider her having a job eventually,
20:05when the condition has eased a little.
20:07Or you could take a chance on her now,
20:09grow a few flowers in the mud.
20:11I really must be going now.
20:13Well, goodbye, Beryl.
20:15It's all right, I'll see myself out.
20:17Thank you, Roger.
20:21There you are, Beryl.
20:22See what I mean about disappointment?
20:24Never mind, someone somewhere must want you.
20:26Dad, you rotten pig!
20:27You did all that on purpose, didn't you?
20:29I heard all that.
20:30You're deliberately trying to sabotage our efforts to help Mum, aren't you?
20:33Sabotage me?
20:34Did I get her in this state?
20:36Did I pretend she wasn't who he thought she was?
20:38Am I making pathetic attempts to look 32?
20:40No, I was the one who pointed out the danger and pain
20:43of disappointment and rejection.
20:45And I can't bear to watch it happen,
20:47so I am going next door to see Trevor.
20:49Chin up, Beryl, chin up.
20:59Burnt my damn toast now.
21:01It's a fine thing, isn't it?
21:02Three women in the house, I have to burn my own damn toast.
21:05You've got to get used to making your own breakfast, Dad.
21:07You'll have a working wife by this time next week.
21:09I do not want a working wife.
21:11Yeah, but think of the money.
21:12There's no point thinking about it, I won't see any of it.
21:15Yes, you're at the bottom of this, aren't you?
21:17You know who'll have to pick up the pieces, don't you?
21:19You know who'll have to suffer when she gets turned down
21:21for these jobs she's going for.
21:23You'll have to supply reassurance and comfort,
21:25pick up the pieces of her shattered ego.
21:27Dunno.
21:28I suppose we could advertise for somebody sympathetic.
21:31You're troubling.
21:32You've got no confidence in her.
21:34Oh, I've got confidence, all right.
21:36I'm confident, it's all a mistake.
21:39This egg's like a bullet.
21:41Who's on breakfast this morning?
21:44Tracy, right, dereliction of duty.
21:46Tracy!
21:47She's upstairs giving Mum a final pre-launch check.
21:50We're at G-20 and counting.
21:52Never get off the ground.
21:54What a mistake.
21:55I mean, she was 20 years younger, a bit more with it.
21:58Gentlemen, may I introduce...
22:01Mrs Belcraterie, Mark Two!
22:08Say something, Dad.
22:10Say something, Dad.
22:16Beryl, is that you?
22:17Oh, Dad.
22:19Well, what do you think?
22:24Got a bit of black in the corner of your eye, love.
22:27Doesn't she look marvellous?
22:2920 years younger and with it.
22:31Well?
22:32Yes, well, Beryl, you look very...
22:34very, very...
22:35Yes?
22:36Very...
22:37Yes?
22:38Very nice.
22:39I mean, she doesn't look like she usually looks,
22:41but she looks more like she used to look.
22:43Like.
22:44I mean, to put it another way, I like the way she looks.
22:46Like.
22:47But I still think it's a mistake.
22:49You haven't got the qualifications for a business career, Beryl.
22:52And there's no good being on your feet all day as a shop assistant,
22:55not with that bunion of yours.
22:59Let's leave her bunion out of this, shall we?
23:01I've got to be honest, until I'm against it,
23:03I don't want her hurt and rejected.
23:05Sheer male chauvinistic pigism.
23:07Yes, I agree.
23:08You should be encouraging her,
23:10not pouring cold water over everything.
23:12Yeah, if ever I get married, I hope I'll treat my wife better than this.
23:15Yeah, you are being a bit revolting, Dad.
23:17I feel obliged to tell you that we, i.e. us four,
23:21i.e. the majority of this household,
23:23plus, of course, your dear lady wife,
23:25and therefore by a majority of five to one,
23:27feel that you want Mother here at home solely to cater for your own interests,
23:30a trapped, enslaved little woman who indulges your every whim.
23:33Hear, hear.
23:34And furthermore, that by opposing the joint efforts
23:36of all members of this family who are acting solely in Mother's interest,
23:39you are showing yourself to be a right male chauvinist pig.
23:42Hear, hear.
23:43Well, your father is entitled to his opinion.
23:45Thank you, Beryl.
23:46Hear, hear.
23:47Even if he is behaving like a male chauvinist thingy.
23:50Hear, hear.
23:51Well, there's only one thing I can say,
23:52only one thing I can point to, to illustrate my situation.
23:55What?
23:59My bloody toast burnt again!
24:07Looks as if we're in for a wet weekend, Beryl.
24:09Aren't they all?
24:10Well, come on in.
24:12I'm sure she's just exactly what you're looking for.
24:15Ah, this is my son Paul,
24:17eldest of the layabouts.
24:19Bill Richard...
24:20Hello.
24:21...owns a beauty salon in the High Street.
24:22Hi.
24:23Where's your mum?
24:24Well, her last interview in town was at 5.30,
24:26so she shouldn't be long.
24:27Ah, ah.
24:28Well, sit down, Bill.
24:29Oh.
24:30Well, if it won't be straining yourself to the point of exhaustion,
24:32perhaps you'd get us a drink.
24:34What'll you have, Bill?
24:35Oh, er, gin and tonic.
24:37Oh, whiskey and soda.
24:39Sorry.
24:40Well, we had some whiskey.
24:41True, but we had a bit of a rave up here last week,
24:43so I'll have a look and see what's left.
24:45Just, just...
24:47Excuse me, Bill.
24:48Nigel!
24:52The old man is up to something.
24:54Why?
24:55He's brought home a fella who owns a beauty salon.
24:57Perhaps he's thinking of having a course of treatment now he rejuvenated mum.
24:59Bad luck.
25:00Wrong again.
25:01Get a couple of light ales or something.
25:03Anyway, after her interview at my place,
25:06mum said she didn't think she could do the job,
25:08and the gift shop vacancy's already been taken.
25:10I knew it, I knew it.
25:12So what does that leave?
25:13Larry Marston's.
25:14Yeah.
25:15Well, she should be back from there now.
25:16Well, I'm not having your mother working in a grubby office
25:18at some second-hand car emporium.
25:20So, as you all ganged up on me this morning
25:22and accused an innocent man,
25:24I have organised a job for her
25:26at Bill Richard's Beauty Salon as a receptionist,
25:28where she will sit all day in pleasant and perfume surroundings.
25:31What qualifications does she need?
25:33Well, helpful and pleasing personality,
25:36but more important than that,
25:37what she wants is to be attractive and glamorous,
25:39a sort of advert for the beauty salon.
25:41You managed to achieve that this morning,
25:43so keep up the good work.
25:44Work out a rota for the preservation of your mother or something.
25:50Where is she, by the way?
25:51Dunno, she's very late.
25:52Oh, perhaps she's been held up.
25:56Ah, sorry she's late, Bill.
25:58She's coming home on the bus, is she?
26:00Yeah.
26:01She'll have a job on.
26:02Didn't you see the paper tonight?
26:03There's a bus strike.
26:04Oh, well, probably get a taxi then.
26:11I don't recall inviting you all in here.
26:14Don't worry about invites, Pop.
26:16We live here.
26:17Yeah, don't remind me.
26:18They drink my beer as well, Bill.
26:20Paul bought these.
26:22Cheers, Paul.
26:24Do you know Mum?
26:25No, no, I don't.
26:27Well, she doesn't frequent beauty salons.
26:29Well, she doesn't have to.
26:30She's an extremely glamorous and attractive woman.
26:32Very young, looking for her age, very charming.
26:34I said to her, only this morning, I said,
26:36darling, you look absolutely stunning.
26:41Oh, yes.
26:42She's an absolute knockout, Bill.
26:44Oh, good.
26:45Well, that is rather essential, Honour.
26:47Mm.
26:48Well, I'll see you later.
26:49Bye.
26:50Bye.
26:51Bye.
26:52Well, that is rather essential, Honour.
26:54Don't you worry.
26:55As far as our mum's concerned, it's Sophia Loren,
26:57eat your heart out.
26:59Is that you, darling?
27:00Yes.
27:01We're in here.
27:02This is it, Bill.
27:03Here she is.
27:05Oh, I had to walk all the way home.
27:11What are you doing?
27:12I'm checking the situation vacant column
27:14for an unemployed married woman.
27:22APPLAUSE
27:52APPLAUSE