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FunTranscript
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00:42Did you hear that, Beryl?
00:46You asleep, Beryl?
00:47🎵
00:53Well, you must have heard that.
00:56Beryl, it's next door's tomcat. Woke us both up again, love.
01:03No, it hasn't. It's you who's just woken me up.
01:06I did not.
01:07You shake me like mad and then ask me if I'm still asleep.
01:10Naturally assumed. Unless you've gone completely deaf.
01:12It'd have disturbed you as well.
01:14Might have been a terrible shame, wouldn't it?
01:16Oh, thank you very much. I don't suppose you're bothered that it disturbed me.
01:19It is very as catchy as your friend.
01:21🎵
01:23Why is it making that noise?
01:26Why is it making that noise?
01:28Why don't you go out on the roof and ask it?
01:30I suppose it's howling in order to attract any females in the area.
01:33Well, why don't you go out there and try it then? You might get lucky.
01:36Oh, very amusing.
01:38Wit at one o'clock in the morning.
01:41What would you do if I did go out there and get lucky?
01:43Throw a bucket of water over you.
01:45I'm sleeping with a comedian.
01:47Good night.
01:49No, this is ridiculous, isn't it?
01:52Isn't it?
01:55You really are going deaf, aren't you?
01:57Pardon?
01:58It is very as catchy as your friend.
02:00I've got to go to work in the morning. Please do something about it.
02:03All right then, Arthur, I will.
02:04Good. What?
02:05I shall ignore it.
02:07That's very helpful. What time is it anyway?
02:11Beryl?
02:12What is it now?
02:13It is that wretched, randy little object again.
02:15No need to be like that, Dad.
02:17Very glad to see you.
02:18Raymond?
02:19Yes, it's me.
02:20Sorry to drop in unannounced, but as a tenant here, I'd like to register a formal complaint.
02:23I'm here because for several nights now, my wife and I, Lorraine...
02:26We know who you're marrying. Don't come in here in the middle of the night asking for forgiveness.
02:29I'm not. I'm here due to being disturbed by your neighbour's tomcat,
02:32and I'd like to know what you're going to do about it here.
02:34Yes, as the landlord.
02:35Well, I'm going to throw you out. That's what I'm going to do about it.
02:37I'm sorry about this. My man about disturbing you,
02:38because I know you've got enough on your plate having to sleep with him, but...
02:41He's not going to do nothing. I've only got one alternative.
02:44Right, he's sitting on the chicken coop.
02:46Raymond, what was he doing?
02:47I'm going to throw this brick at him.
02:49I happen to have it handy because it was underneath my bed,
02:51because one leg is shorter than the other.
02:53I don't mean that my one leg is shorter than the other.
02:55I mean that the one leg on the bed is shorter than my other one.
02:57Get rid of him, Bill.
02:58Don't worry, Dad, I'll get rid of him.
02:59Right, this is from me and Arthur Crabtree.
03:01Geronimo!
03:04Oops.
03:05What's happened?
03:06He ducked. I think I hit the chicken.
03:09Yeah, and that's upset Goliath.
03:11And he seems to have sat up all the other dogs.
03:14Don't scare the cat, Dad.
03:16And that's one up there cockerel.
03:18Oh, I feel like David Attenborough doing a wildlife commentary here, Dad.
03:22No, it has gone far enough, Beryl.
03:24I don't mind the neighbours having the odd pet, but it's like living next door to Noah's Ark.
03:27Oh, it's not that bad.
03:28Yes, it is, and I'm going to go next door and complain quite forcibly.
03:31He must be the only semi in suburbia situated on the edge of a jungle.
03:34Good morning, Mr Crabtree. It is very nice to see me again.
03:39Very nice to see you again.
03:41Oh, thank you, Mrs Crabtree.
03:43You also. Good morning.
03:45I didn't know you were here, Nadia.
03:46Ah, well, Nigel is home from college, and, well, I am arriving very late last night.
03:51Oh, he was so pleased to see me, and we didn't get much sleep.
03:55Beryl.
03:56Oh, I'm shattered.
03:59Beryl, apparently Nadia spent the night here.
04:02Yes, yes, she slept in Tracy's room.
04:04What's he insinuating?
04:05Nothing. Where was Tracy, then?
04:06Staying with friends.
04:08Nobody tells me anything.
04:09I'm not surprised. I told you something in the middle of the night you won't preserve.
04:12Morning, Dad.
04:13Good morning.
04:14Oh, hello, Nadia. I didn't know you were here.
04:16No, it's like living in a transit camp.
04:17On the edge of a jungle?
04:18Yes. I needed a family of Japanese to move in over the road.
04:21We'll have all the ingredients for tenko.
04:24You were man-to-man about the racket last night, Dad.
04:26My wife and I think you ought to go next door and complain, otherwise I may have to withhold the rent.
04:30You're already three weeks in arrears, Ray.
04:32Don't change the subject, Dad.
04:33Yes, Dad, I have enough to cope with every night, without Vera's menagerie.
04:37Are you trying to be physically personal with me, Lorraine?
04:40You are going to have to do something, Dad. I can't keep coming home to this attire easily.
04:43Oh, please do tell your neighbours that of animals I am a great lover, but I am not a great lover during the night.
04:49I wouldn't have said that.
04:53I mean, she's always been very keen on animals, even in the dark.
04:57I think you ought to go next door and complain.
04:58Look, if and when I decide to complain, I'll complain, all right?
05:01I don't need you lot to shove me into it, all right?
05:03Yes.
05:04All right?
05:05Yes.
05:06All right?
05:07Yes, I am all right, thank you.
05:11Hey, Dad, how did you get on?
05:12Hey, I bet you had them shaking in their shoes.
05:14Bet those animals are leaving two by two now, eh?
05:16Yeah, well, I didn't know it was our gal, but you kicked up a storm, old son.
05:19What did they say?
05:20Well, rather flooded by complaints at the moment, actually.
05:23What did Vera say?
05:24Er, there's nobody in.
05:27Well, that's very strange.
05:28Why?
05:29Well, just after you left to go round there, I phoned Vera, and she said...
05:32You phoned Vera to tip her off? Whose side are you on, Beryl?
05:34You said there was nobody in.
05:36Oh, you know what I mean? There's nobody I can talk to.
05:38I mean, only Goliath the dog.
05:40And if I hadn't had to rush back here because I'm late for work,
05:42he'd have ripped me to pieces, and then I'd have been in hospital for months.
05:45Then you'd have been sorry, wouldn't you?
05:48Yes, well, I shall go round there later after work, Beryl,
05:51and I shall be quite firm with Trevor.
05:52I shall say, Trevor, you are in dead trouble.
05:54Trevor?
05:55I've had enough.
05:56I've had enough.
05:57Trevor?
05:58Arthur.
05:59I can't stand it any longer!
06:00I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Beryl, I just had to get away.
06:03What's the matter?
06:04You have got to find me someone to complain to, all of you.
06:07I want to make a formal and final complaint.
06:09What about?
06:10About all those flaming animals next door!
06:16Anything on the telly tonight?
06:18No, only a domestic situation comedy.
06:21We've got enough of that here, haven't we?
06:24You, uh, you haven't been round next door this evening?
06:27No, Trevor is not there at the moment.
06:29He has taken up temporary residence elsewhere as a squatter.
06:32A squatter?
06:33Where?
06:34Saloon bar of the Dog and Duck, third stool along on the right.
06:37Evening, anything on the telly?
06:39Nothing your father wants to watch.
06:41Well, poor old Trevor then, eh?
06:42Yeah, yeah.
06:43Mind you.
06:44Oh, it is such a pity. I thought he was an animal lover.
06:47Well, he might be, but you should see what they've got round there.
06:49It's worse than whipsnail.
06:50All creatures great and small, Vera Botting's got them all.
06:54I hear he's down at the Dog and Duck now, eh?
06:56Well, good old Trevor, the worm has turned.
06:58They have a worm?
07:01No, Vera didn't bother to get one. She dug up Trevor instead.
07:06Well, I feel sorry for him in a way.
07:08Really?
07:09I do, I feel sorry for him.
07:11I mean, basically, he's very nice and he's tolerant.
07:14Yeah, he's a decent sort.
07:16Dwayne, they're talking about me.
07:18But she doesn't understand him and she can be such a pain in the neck.
07:23Oh, no, she's very sweet and I think he's very difficult.
07:28Well, she means well and she's got a heart of gold.
07:31Even if she does spread her affections in areas other than her husband.
07:38Perhaps she's a bit peculiar, you know, because she's getting on a bit.
07:41I mean, she's probably at a funny age.
07:42Oh, it's such a shame.
07:44I mean, she's a bit of a nosy, inquisitive, overbearing, interfering busybody.
07:48I know I love Oberon, but he's my friend.
07:51I admire him tremendously.
07:54Extremely fond of him.
07:56Well, thanks, Dad, really.
07:58Well, I'm very fond of you, too. Really fond, Dad, yeah.
08:01And your last assessment of Lorraine, brilliant.
08:03Well, I didn't like it.
08:05And, Nigel, I am the decent sort, like you said, and I'd like you to know that I think you are as well.
08:08Ren, Ren, Ren.
08:09Yeah?
08:10We were talking about Trevor and Vera next door.
08:14Ah, Trevor. Yeah, well, sorry.
08:17She didn't really think we meant you and Lorraine.
08:21You shouldn't eavesdrop, Raymond.
08:23You'll never hear anything good about yourself.
08:25Never do anyway.
08:26Well, I feel really sorry for Trevor.
08:28Yes, all Vera's fault.
08:29I mean, she thinks she's St. Francis of Assisi's sissy.
08:31Who?
08:32I mean, St. Francis of Assisi's sister.
08:35Who?
08:36Cor, Lorraine.
08:37Mythical history, St. Francis.
08:39He had all the birds he wanted.
08:40Not much of a saint then, was he?
08:43All the feathered birds and animals.
08:45Cor, your family knows nothing about zoology.
08:48Vera was related to St. Francis.
08:51Cor, I can never work out whether it's because she's foreign or that she's just a bit...
08:54What?
08:55On the Polish side.
08:56Look, I think we're all agreed that we back Trevor on this one, right?
08:59No, no, no.
09:00Vera is responsible.
09:02Vera? What is it?
09:06Friends, neighbours, crab trees.
09:10And Raymond.
09:12Nostrovia, Nadia.
09:15About Trevor.
09:17Well, about my pets.
09:21Well, about the noises in the night.
09:24Well, about my relationship with Trevor, both emotional and physical.
09:30Well, about the complaints.
09:33About three o'clock this afternoon I received this.
09:38It's a summons to the county court.
09:41What? Someone has taken out a summons against you because of your animals?
09:44Yes, but all for Mr. Duffram next to us.
09:48The whole weight of the British judiciary system is now against my little group of pets.
09:54A tiny band of God's own creatures huddled next door under the entire weight of a large penal system.
10:02Oh, come on.
10:03No, no, no, don't be too upset, Arthur.
10:05Restrain your deep sympathy.
10:08Because I intend to plead not guilty.
10:11On what grounds?
10:12Well, as insanity, diminished responsibility.
10:16Look, all I've got round there are a group of dear little animals.
10:20Some of them are strays nobody wants.
10:22Some abandoned by their owners and left to suffer.
10:25And some of them are brought to me because they're sick and ill.
10:28I've got Mrs. Sheldon's canary there with its wing in a sling.
10:31Yes, all right, then.
10:32I've got the Benson's hamster with its eye in a patch and its tail in a split.
10:35Yes, but we do know...
10:36And the Jefferson's tortoise has been with me for a week very poorly,
10:39lying on its little bed on its back, unable to get up.
10:42Yes, yes.
10:43And that little piglet that escaped from a butcher's doing the bitter cold spell,
10:46it was on all the papers, nobody ever found it.
10:48Do you know why?
10:50Because it's nice and cosy, warm, snoring its head off on the top shelf of my earring cupboard.
10:55He really saved his bacon, then, Mary.
10:59We do understand, Vera, and we sympathise.
11:02Oh, yes, you are an animal lover because you are married to one.
11:06What?
11:08You're married to an animal lover.
11:10I am not.
11:11Trevor only pretends he is because he thinks I'll fawn all over him.
11:14Made a big mistake, then, didn't he?
11:15Oh, no, he hasn't.
11:17Excuse me, Beryl, I...
11:19I love Trevor and I'm always fawning over him.
11:22I'm fawning all the time.
11:23Only this morning I was fawning.
11:25Yeah, Vera, it's all very well, but your animals did keep us awake last night,
11:28making that horrendous noise in my eyes.
11:30The reason why my pets made any noise at all was because some...
11:35Thick idiot.
11:37Some overgrown schoolboy with horrible aggressive instincts
11:40threw half a house brick at them.
11:43Yeah, well, I wonder who that was.
11:45It was from very close.
11:47Eight, five, stroke, nine, three, two, five.
11:50Duff versus Botting, Your Honour.
11:53A case of a claim for damages in respect of nuisance.
11:57Animals.
11:58Who's appearing for the plaintiff?
11:59Your Honour, the Findlay solicitor representing Mr Duff.
12:02Mr Noel Duff.
12:04Noel, born at Christmas.
12:06And who is appearing for the defendant?
12:08I am, my lord. I crave the indulgence of the court.
12:13Who are you?
12:14I am Vera Grace Mvanwi Botting.
12:18I am the honourable defendant.
12:20You are representing yourself?
12:21Yes, I am.
12:23I cannot think of anyone better fitted to do so,
12:25so my response to this court is in the affirmative.
12:28Yes.
12:29Now then, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
12:32Just a...
12:33Just a moment.
12:35We don't have a jury.
12:36Just me.
12:38And do stop calling me my lord.
12:40I am referred to as your honour.
12:42My gross apologies, your lord.
12:44Not my honour.
12:45What is all this about?
12:46Perhaps I could outline the whole situation, Your Honour.
12:49And if I may say the awful situation that my...
12:51Objection!
12:52What?
12:54He said awful situation.
12:56That has not yet been established.
12:57In fact, it will find it very difficult to establish,
13:00as I soon intend to establish.
13:04Carry on.
13:05My client, Mr...
13:07No.
13:08No Christmas doff.
13:12Good neighbour of the defendant.
13:14Objection!
13:15What now?
13:16He said good neighbour.
13:17That is hearsay evidence.
13:19Why?
13:21Because he only said it because he heard him say it.
13:24Do you think we could just establish why we're all here
13:27and stop these interruptions?
13:29Oh, interruptions.
13:30Oh, sorry.
13:31I interrupt.
13:32What?
13:33I know why I'm here.
13:34And he knows why he's here.
13:36If you're in any doubt why you're here, we're all up a creek.
13:39You have to call your...
13:43Well, now.
13:44We have heard the whole story.
13:46And I must say, Mrs...
13:48Botting,
13:49that you have established your public spirit
13:51in care of small creatures
13:52and your obvious compassion for the animal kingdom.
13:56However, there is, of course, another side to this,
13:58as we have heard.
13:59That is the plaintiff's case.
14:02But I do feel impelled at this point
14:05to ask Mrs...
14:07Botting,
14:09I don't think you should necessarily give up
14:11caring for animals,
14:12but couldn't you just cut down a little?
14:17Your Honour,
14:19usually they are no trouble to anyone.
14:22And I have explained
14:25how someone threw half a building missile
14:28at my premises on the night in question,
14:30which made the poor old...
14:31Yes, yes, yes.
14:32We've heard all that.
14:33And quite frankly,
14:34it does seem hard to believe that...
14:37In that case,
14:38I shall continue my defence
14:40and call off a crap trade.
14:43Call off a crap...
14:45Oh, hello.
14:46I will take a stand, please.
14:49Are you Arthur Crabtree of 19 Elmtree Avenue?
14:53Come on, Mary, you know who I am.
14:55Would you answer the question?
14:56Are you Arthur Crabtree?
14:58Or are you not?
14:59Yes?
15:00Or no?
15:01Yes.
15:03Hostile witness has been for years.
15:05And were you, on the night of the 15th,
15:08in bed with your wife, Beryl,
15:11at the same fixed abode?
15:13Er, yes.
15:14And did you get up to anything during the night?
15:20Would you rephrase the question, please, Beryl?
15:22Very well.
15:23Did you throw, or cause to be thrown,
15:25or encourage to be thrown,
15:27from the back bedroom window,
15:29one with the orange curtains,
15:30small Mexican motif,
15:3269 p.m. from the co-op,
15:35half a house brick?
15:39Do I have to answer that?
15:40Well, did you throw it, or didn't you?
15:42No.
15:43Thank you. Any more?
15:44I object!
15:46You haven't given me a chance!
15:47This isn't British justice!
15:49I have the right of an Englishman to defend herself!
15:52Oh, no, Englishwoman has herself.
15:55Or as it is now, Englishperson,
15:57to defend itself.
15:59What?
16:00I'm finished!
16:01Your Honour, I have just received some important information.
16:04Information just come to hand,
16:06which I feel will demonstrate beyond any shadow of doubt
16:08that the case of my client, the plaintiff,
16:10will win the day.
16:12A surprise witness has arrived
16:14and is willing to give evidence.
16:16A witness?
16:17Yes, Your Honour, I know this is somewhat irregular,
16:18but I do feel he should be heard, Your Honour,
16:20because he is none other than the husband of the defendant
16:24and is willing to give evidence on behalf of my client.
16:26Her husband on behalf of your client?
16:29Yes, Your Honour, yes.
16:33Well, this is somewhat irregular,
16:35but I suppose as is the husband,
16:37I could allow it if Mrs. Botting has no objection.
16:40Mrs. Botting?
16:42Any objections, Mrs. Botting?
16:45Oh, carry on.
16:47I call Mr. Trevor Botting.
16:50Oh, he's going to appear as a surprise witness again,
16:52so it's a mistake.
16:53Sit, sit, sit.
16:57I don't wholly approve of this, Botting.
16:59I'm doing it for her own sake.
17:03Now, Mr. Trevor Botting,
17:05you are the husband of the defendant
17:07living with her at number 21 Elmtree Avenue.
17:09That is your present address.
17:11No, that is my former address.
17:14Yes, I am. I do. I will.
17:16If the court pleases,
17:18I object to this witness on the grounds
17:20that the balance of his mind is disturbed.
17:23He has these terms occasionally.
17:25It's not permanent,
17:26but he usually gets them at the time of the full moon.
17:28Your objections are too late.
17:30Sometimes his knuckles start to get hairy.
17:32Mr. Botting,
17:34am I right in presuming
17:36that you and your wife don't get on at all?
17:38Are you usually on bad terms?
17:41Oh, no, Your Honour, no.
17:43I love my wife very much,
17:45and I know that she loves me.
17:47It's just that...
17:49Well, she has a very generous and giving nature.
17:53She's like a lifeboat.
17:55She answers distress calls.
17:57She's utterly incapable of refusing love,
18:01warmth and kindness to any living creature.
18:03Oh, my Trevor.
18:05About the animals and the nuisance...
18:08Yes, yes, the animals are a flaming nuisance,
18:12but she's devoted to them.
18:14She honestly doesn't realise that others,
18:17for example myself,
18:19might feel left out at times.
18:22Oh, Trevor, my dearest.
18:25I'm sorry, Vera, but I've got to say this.
18:28Oh, I can't put up with the animals.
18:30I can stomach anything.
18:32I even lived next door to a tax inspector once.
18:34Mr. Botting!
18:36But now I think you've gone too far, Vera.
18:39You're taking on too much, my love,
18:41and it's wearing you out.
18:43You're being consumed by your own compassions,
18:46and it's leaving me a bit short.
18:48Mr. Botting!
18:50You're not in charge of those pets, my love.
18:53They're in charge of you.
18:55That's why I'm here.
18:57You know I love you,
18:59and, well, I hope you'll just take note of what I said.
19:04May one address the court craving its indulgence?
19:09I have only one thing left to say now.
19:12I should like to change my plea to guilty.
19:19...of this very late witness.
19:21Yes, I'm sorry, Your Honour,
19:23but I had to take Goliath to the vets.
19:25It was a bit of an emergency.
19:27He had something stuck in his throat.
19:29What was it?
19:30It was a bit of an emergency.
19:31He had something stuck in his throat.
19:32What was it?
19:33Mavis the hamster.
19:35Look, she's all right now. He coughed up.
19:37Oh!
19:39Quiet, please!
19:43The decision here is that I shall go along with the defendant.
19:47Oh!
19:49I agree with her entirely.
19:51Guilty!
19:54That is, the case is proved,
19:56and I find for the plaintiff, Mr Duff.
19:59Trevor!
20:03It's funny.
20:04Married couples usually go to court to split up.
20:07Vera and Trevor went and got reconciled.
20:09Yeah. Like a couple of lovebirds, isn't he?
20:12She's agreed to find new homes for most of those animals.
20:15Cut down, try not to be tempted.
20:17Trevor thinks that in time, with the right therapy,
20:19she might be able to give up animals altogether.
20:23Yes, well, it's nearly midnight.
20:25Good night, dear.
20:26Good night, Vera.
20:30Oh, no!
20:34Shut up, you damn useless!
20:36Shut up, you lying idiot!
20:39What are you trying to do, put me back in court?
20:41Take that!
20:45That's all right, Trevor, darling.
20:48I'm coming back to business.
20:53Well, that's put an end to that.
20:56I should stop the mating calls.
20:58Yes, that cat won't disturb you again tonight, Beryl.
21:05Are you asleep, Beryl?
21:07Oh, don't start all that again, Arthur.
21:10And put the light out, it's nearly midnight.
21:13Er, just one thing, Beryl.
21:16What?
21:17Now that that tomcat's stopped...
21:19Yes?
21:20Howl!
21:50Howl!