Episode 8 of Series 2 (titled My Better Half). In this episode, Penelope is back to being an adult, but has created another problem when she wishes for a double to help with all the schoolwork she needs to catch up on. This makes it problematic for genie Bruce, who discovers that Nigel is only marrying Diana for her money, but cannot work out which one is the real Penelope!
Starring Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Sandy Winton, Glenn Meldrum, Nicholas Bell, Monica Muaghan, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Petra Yared, Jacinta Stapleton and Ian McFadyen.
Starring Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Sandy Winton, Glenn Meldrum, Nicholas Bell, Monica Muaghan, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Petra Yared, Jacinta Stapleton and Ian McFadyen.
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Mummy's getting married tomorrow.
00:05Everybody's just peaking with excitement, aren't they?
00:08She's marrying Captain Nigel Huntley, Marcia's father.
00:13I've always wanted a sister.
00:15What about a brother?
00:17I used to think I'd like a brother.
00:19But since I met you, I've gone right off the idea.
00:21There's something weird about Nigel.
00:24Nonsense.
00:26You're just jealous because Mummy chose not to marry your father.
00:30I haven't got time for this. I've got far too much to do.
00:33There's flowers, homework, shopping.
00:37And I want Conrad over here for the wedding.
00:40That's a wish, Bruce.
00:47So where are we now?
00:52Youse have struck at luck.
00:54The Dunabonmeister's Mystery Outback Tour has brung you England
00:57for the special Royalty Tour.
01:04Oh, I love this sceptered isle.
01:07I never thought I'd make it in my lifetime.
01:10Oh, Otto, I don't know how to thank you.
01:13All part of the service.
01:15As you can see, this is Towns Hall, your genuine English castle.
01:19Oh, I wouldn't say it was a castle.
01:21It's more like your stately home.
01:24Do we get to see the royal family?
01:26No, no, no, no, no.
01:28Now you leave the surprises to me.
01:30Let's just say it's under control. No worries.
01:33Oh, I love the royal family.
01:36I adore the royal family.
01:39Well, there you go.
01:43I've got to get my hair done, new make-up, new shoes.
01:46I have to look better than Marcia.
01:48So much shopping. And then there's schoolwork.
01:51What a nightmare. So much to do and only one...
01:56Bruce? I've got it.
01:58I know how to get everything done.
02:00Let's just make another me.
02:02What for? One of you is already too many.
02:05Good one, Dad.
02:07Poor Bruce.
02:09Beaten in love by a better man and now he's so bitter.
02:13Anyway, I want somebody to do all the drudgery
02:16while I do all the important things like shopping.
02:21I wish you to make a duplicate of me.
02:27Perfection.
02:28Now listen to me. I want you to clean my room,
02:30go to school, do my homework and help Mummy.
02:32You're joking. I'm going shopping.
02:37Bruce is too much like me.
02:39I wish to replace him with a much dumber version.
02:41Let's replace her with a much dumber version.
02:43I'm the real Penelope.
02:45How do you know?
02:47I've got the opal.
02:49Yes, I forgot about that.
02:57Why are you laughing?
02:59I don't know.
03:01This won't work.
03:03Why? Nobody will spot the difference.
03:06I wish she was a nice, agreeable, sensible version of me.
03:09Someone who will be helpful and not argue.
03:16Hello. So pleased to meet you.
03:18I hope I meet up to your high expectations
03:20and that I'm worthy of your faith in me.
03:22Well, yes, she's good.
03:25Can you clean my room?
03:39I hope I didn't take too long.
03:41You did very well. You're so much like me.
03:44Now, I've got a few jobs for you.
03:46I need you to feed my pony, sell some raffle tickets,
03:49and before you go to school, there's some ironing to do.
03:56Off to school? Of course.
03:58And I'm really looking forward to it, too.
04:12Miss Penelope.
04:14But... but...
04:16Hello, Mossie. I've done all my chores,
04:18so I thought I'd do some ironing for you.
04:20And there's a batch of your favourite biscuits in the oven.
04:22She even let me help.
04:24Well, Baz, I value your assistance as well as your friendship.
04:27I'm off to school.
04:31You're looking a little pale, Mossie.
04:33Maybe you should rest for a while.
04:36Oh, dear.
04:41I said to him,
04:42I don't care how long your chef hangs his pheasants for me,
04:45but if this bird was any older, get off the plate and walk away.
04:48Oh, dear.
04:52Ah, Bruce. There you are.
04:55I was wondering if I could have a word with you.
04:57You were?
04:59Great.
05:01Because I was really wanting to have a word with you.
05:03Yes, I need someone to take the coats from the guests
05:06when they arrive at the wedding.
05:08I was hoping you could.
05:10Yeah, yeah, of course. That's what I was going to suggest.
05:14Huntley here.
05:17Sid.
05:19Always nice to hear from you.
05:23No.
05:25No, there's no need to talk about broken arms and fingers.
05:29I'll get your money.
05:31I just need more time.
05:34See you after school, Captain Huntley.
05:36Oh, Penelope, I didn't see you there.
05:40Look, I'm almost your daddy now.
05:44Why don't you call me Nige, hmm?
05:47Oh, all right, Nige.
05:49Good.
05:50Can I call you Nige too?
05:53I don't think so.
05:56Mmm.
05:58Darling.
06:00Did you miss me?
06:03I wonder where he owes money to?
06:05Okay, everybody, I have designed a very special surprise royal tour for today.
06:11First stop, the Royal Oak Hotel.
06:14And then the Royal Tavern.
06:16The Theatre Royal.
06:18We then go to a chocolate royal factory, yum, yum.
06:22And finish up at Fred Royal's supermarket in Brixton.
06:26But you said we were going to see the royal family.
06:29No, no, no.
06:31I'm not having any troublemakers on the tour.
06:33And I won't hear a word said against Fred.
06:35He's a real royal.
06:37As royal as you're going to see.
06:38Now get on the bus.
06:39Look, there's no way you'll get away with this.
06:42Hello, Otto.
06:43Lovely day.
06:45You all right?
06:47Of course.
06:48Why shouldn't I be?
06:49Well, it's just that you're acting real friendly.
06:52Of course I'm friendly.
06:54You're our guests here.
06:55Making people feel welcome is part of the town's whole tradition.
06:58Um, you sound so royal.
07:01Well, actually, my mother, Lady Towns, is distantly related to the royal family.
07:05What breeding did you hear that voice?
07:07Oh, that's real style.
07:08Real aristocracy.
07:10Would anyone care to buy some raffle tickets?
07:12Oh, yes, yes, yes, we'll have some.
07:14Oh, yes.
07:15Yeah, uh, he'll take care of that for you, son.
07:19Um, Pen, I was wondering, you know, if you're not busy tonight.
07:24I was wondering if you'd like to have the movies with me tonight.
07:28Oh, thank you, comrade.
07:30What a wonderful idea.
07:39Pen never let me come to school with her before.
07:42I don't know why, Baz.
07:43You're a delightful company.
07:46Well, Penelope, I'm all ready for the wedding tomorrow.
07:49How's your dress coming along?
07:51Oh, I'm sure your dress will be much prettier than mine.
07:54In any case, I'm nowhere near as beautiful as you are, Marcia.
07:57But that's not important.
07:59It's Mummy's day after all.
08:00And your father's, of course.
08:02I'm just happy to be a small, tiny part of it.
08:06Miss Huntley, have you sold all your raffle tickets yet?
08:10Oh, um...
08:12Sorry, Miss Chatley, I haven't managed to sell any of them yet.
08:16These are very difficult times economically.
08:19I see. And what about you, Miss Tynes?
08:21Oh, I've sold all of mine.
08:23And I've got orders for all of Marcia and Sophie's as well.
08:26Well done, girls!
08:32Well, Penelope, that was so generous.
08:36That's the nicest thing you've ever done for me, Penelope.
08:39Actually, it's the only thing you've ever done for me.
08:42I just want to help. You are my best friends after all.
09:10What are you doing here? How did you get home from school?
09:13We caught the bus.
09:15You took the bus? I never take the bus.
09:18What if someone saw you? What will people think?
09:20It's fun, Pen. You should try it.
09:22Don't do it again.
09:24I hope nothing else happened today that might ruin my reputation.
09:27No way! Everyone loves her.
09:29She was elected school captain.
09:32Really?
09:34Driver.
09:40Hi, Pen. How are you?
09:42Oh, hello, Conrad.
09:46Pen, are we storming for the movies tonight?
09:48Because, you know, I know everyone would have been saying this to you,
09:51but I never really realized how nice a person you really were until...
09:56well, until today, you know.
09:59I'm sorry.
10:01I'm sorry.
10:03I'm sorry.
10:05I'm sorry.
10:07I'm sorry.
10:12Pen?
10:18Oh, I say. Life sucks.
10:21Here we are.
10:27Maybe a screw-in.
10:37What's that?
10:39It's a spy!
10:51There is something funny going on with Nigel.
10:54Maybe he owes money to a bird watcher.
10:58Maybe he owes money to a long-distance runner.
11:03There's something weird going on with Nigel.
11:05Nigel is acting very strangely.
11:07Rubbish! He's a perfect gentleman.
11:10I think it's time to send you back.
11:12You sure you're not just jealous of Pinpin?
11:14Jealous?
11:16Of course I'm not jealous. Don't be ridiculous.
11:19People don't like her more than me.
11:21Darling! Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers you left in my room.
11:26I... I did?
11:28Yes. It was so thoughtful.
11:30So unlike you, Penelope.
11:33I think this wedding is bringing out a much nicer side in your personality.
11:38Thank you.
11:41All right, Penpin.
11:43I may need you, but stay away from school, from Mummy,
11:45and stay right away from Comrade, all right?
11:54Bubbles! How delightful. Come in.
11:57What are you wearing?
11:59I've just been logged on to the Internet.
12:01It's jolly exciting.
12:03I've joined a chat group called Cyber Chaps in Crisis
12:06because they've lost the woman of their dreams.
12:08Poor Bubbles. You're still in love with Mummy, aren't you?
12:11I suppose so.
12:13Still, I couldn't have lost her to a nicer chap.
12:16I went to Cambridge with Nigel, you know.
12:18There's something weird about him.
12:20Oh, no. Not Nigel.
12:22I know absolutely everything about him. You can ask me anything.
12:25How long was he in the army?
12:28He is Captain Nigel Huntley.
12:30I didn't know that.
12:32He owes money to a long-distance bird watcher.
12:35I didn't know that either.
12:37What sort of money?
12:42I'm going to do some digging around on the net
12:44and see what the chaps know about Nigel.
12:46Thank you, Bubbles. We'd really appreciate that.
12:58Ha-ha-ha!
13:00Say that, you zombie!
13:02How's that? How's that?
13:06What about when the zombie's jumping straight out of the cupboard
13:10and just bit her head right off?
13:12Ha-ha-ha!
13:16What about when the guy had to do the shovel
13:18and he smacked him right in the nose
13:20and then all this acid started coming out of his nose
13:23and then all this acid started coming out of his nose and stuff?
13:27Why did you take me to see that disgusting spectacle, Conrad?
13:31Oh, I don't know.
13:33I thought you liked everything.
13:35I liked it.
13:37Ew!
13:39Oh!
13:43I told you not to come down here, Sid.
13:46Ben said you had to stay away from Nigel.
13:49Dracula's is far enough. I hope so, Bess.
13:51Shoe size, I'm nine and a half.
13:55Concrete booties.
13:57Look, I'll have the money for you after tomorrow.
14:03Mossop's left us a nightcap in the library.
14:07Lovely.
14:09Tell me, darling,
14:12have you signed our pre-nuptial agreement yet?
14:15No, I haven't really had time to look at it yet.
14:20I'm too excited.
14:22Yes, I am too, darling.
14:25But it's hardly a pre-nuptial agreement
14:28if we haven't signed it before we're married.
14:32Do we really need it, Nigel?
14:35Yes, of course we do, darling.
14:40If anything happened to me,
14:43it means that all my possessions
14:45and all my money
14:47belong to you
14:49and vice versa.
15:07He's just after our money.
15:16Just a free dial.
15:22Hello, Sid's Laundry. Can I help you?
15:25Yes, hello. It's Captain Huntley here.
15:28Would Sid be there, please?
15:30He's not here at present.
15:32Oh, dash. Well, look, tell Sid that I've got what he wants
15:36and to meet me tomorrow morning at 11am in the Terrence Hall Chapel.
15:45What are you doing?
15:46I'm sorry, Penelope, but we have to stop Nigel from getting Mummy's money.
15:50What did I tell you? I told you to leave him alone.
15:52It's time to face facts, Pen.
15:54Nigel's a ratbag.
15:56It's true, Pen. We know.
15:58We've been doing an investigation.
16:00Just listen to you all.
16:02Do you think you're Sherlock Holmes?
16:04Psst!
16:07That grey wolf is in the forest.
16:09What?
16:11But what are you wearing?
16:13I'm undercover, as it were.
16:16Why?
16:17I have the information that you asked for.
16:20It appears that Nigel is up to his ears in gambling debts.
16:24He hasn't got a sausage to his name.
16:26Not two boissoisous to rub together.
16:28His pockets are full of lint.
16:30He's marrying your money for her mummy.
16:33You know what I mean.
16:35I told you.
16:36But...
16:38This is a nightmare. What can I do, Bubbles?
16:40Well, if you ask me...
16:41Actually, we've had some thoughts about that.
16:48Bubbles?
16:56Good night, Miss Penelope.
16:58Good night, Mossy.
16:59Good night, Mossy.
17:04It must be one of those dreams you have before you go to sleep.
17:10Good night.
17:29Ah.
17:31Sid, is it?
17:33Who wants to know?
17:35I'm Captain Huntley's batman.
17:37Batman?
17:40He sent me to show you to the chapel.
17:48G'day, boys. You must be the Musos. Have a good one, eh?
17:51Hey, have a look at this.
17:53Step this way. There is a sale on.
17:55It's a sale of limited number of items.
17:58Great investments.
17:59All the dying Nigel memorabilia for the royal wedding that you would ever want to have.
18:03Have a look at it. We've got the lot. We've got plates.
18:06We've got sea towels. We've got bunk. We've got the works.
18:08All of them collector's items. Great investments.
18:11Diana and Nigel 100% cotton undies, everybody. Only 20 pounds.
18:16I'll take a pair. I'll take a pair.
18:17Diana and Nigel dunny rolls. Two pounds. Get them all.
18:19Oh, there you go.
18:20Have a look at this.
18:21Oh, you'll want to treasure those romantic moments.
18:23And you can now with this Nigel Dunny wedding tape.
18:27Oh, but how can you have a wedding video? There hasn't been a wedding yet.
18:31You get to personalise it.
18:33You shoot whatever you want to shoot. You tape it yourself.
18:37Here you are. Take care of it.
18:40Baz, please. Hang on.
18:44No one said anything about a wedding rehearsal.
18:47It's very important, Nigel.
18:50Well, I suppose so.
18:53Isn't that the groom?
18:54It's started already.
18:57Sid?
19:01Sid.
19:06Isn't it bad luck to arrive early for the wedding?
19:08Only if you leave without any concrete shoes.
19:12Come on in. In you come.
19:15Have you started already?
19:16No, no, no.
19:17Because we want to get good seats.
19:19Well, the seats are outnumbered. Just lob anywhere you like.
19:21Just enjoy. Go on.
19:22What are you doing here? I told you to stay away.
19:25Excuse me.
19:27I don't want to ruin mummy's wedding.
19:29Nigel, it can't be that bad.
19:30There's no such thing.
19:31What are you talking? Look.
19:33You haven't got it.
19:35But I...
19:36Now's not the time, Sid.
19:38I got a message saying you had the money.
19:41How can I give you the money when I haven't even married the stupid woman yet?
19:44I don't care.
19:46Oh, sorry.
19:47Sorry, Penelope.
19:49Ben?
19:56Is this, like, your cousin?
19:58Yeah.
20:01I wish everyone would freeze on the spot.
20:06I thought Nigel was so...
20:08so nice.
20:10It's not your fault, Penelope.
20:12I'm sure you're usually quick-witted, perceptive, intelligent.
20:16Shut up!
20:17What a mess.
20:18Everybody was looking forward to a wedding.
20:21Do I wish Nigel wasn't a cat?
20:23Or do I wish mummy would forget all about him?
20:25Oh, but then Nigel wouldn't get what he deserves.
20:29Would he?
20:35Don't you worry, my lady.
20:37No one will ever notice.
20:38Just don't do it in church.
20:41I'm so happy, Morsi.
20:44Pardon my saying so, my lady.
20:46But you don't think you'd be even happier if you were marrying Bruce?
20:51Oh, Morsi.
20:53It'd never work between us.
20:55I'm so pale and he's so tanned.
20:57I'm so English and he's so...
21:00Sagittarius.
21:01Mummy, sorry to interrupt.
21:03Nigel wants to see you.
21:04Well, he can't, Penelope. Not in my wedding dress. It's bad luck.
21:07But he has to, Diana, really.
21:09Well, he can't.
21:10It's really important.
21:14Oh, go on, my lady. What's a bit of bad luck?
21:22Hello.
21:24You can't get married dressed like a monk.
21:27I can't marry you because I've joined the monastery.
21:31I wish it could be otherwise, but I felt the calling.
21:34I know it's bad timing, but I just can't marry you.
21:38Even though you are the most wonderful woman in the world,
21:42but it's just impossible.
21:44God has called on me to spend my days
21:48at a monastery on a tiny island in the Irish Sea
21:52in quiet contemplation of the Holy Word.
21:56Isn't that a bit extreme, Nigel?
21:59There's no electricity, no heating, no reading, no talking.
22:04Only bread and water. Not much company.
22:07But otherwise it's not that extreme.
22:11I'll only be more or less alone for...
22:16for...
22:17For how long, Nigel?
22:21Perhaps forever.
22:24Perhaps forever.
22:46Oh, but look at that, I haven't...
22:48Uncle?
22:49Uncle?
22:55Shut up! Shut up!
22:59Now listen, marriages are breaking down all the time.
23:03Yeah, well, this one never got started.
23:05That is still quality merchandise.
23:07Now you can just lump it.
23:09Oh, yeah? Take these.
23:11I'm not taking these back. You've worn these underpants.
23:14They're yours.
23:15But I still want my money!
23:24All's well that ends well.
23:26Mummy's disappointed, but she had to respect Nigel's decision.
23:29And I've learned a great deal from all this.
23:31Having a double has really taught me a lot about myself.
23:33Do you mind?
23:34I wish you'd get rid of her before she drives me crazy.
23:38Wait a minute.
23:39Pen Pen and I have been through a lot together.
23:41Can't we even say goodbye?
23:43That really would be a very generous and mature gesture, Penelope.
23:46Get rid of her!
23:49Whip!
23:51Nigel's decision was, of course, my idea, not hers.
23:56One of my better wishes.
23:58I'm really a very thoughtful, very caring person.
24:02And I still don't understand why some people like my double better than me.
24:07Must have been her good looks.