Episode 6 of Series 1 (titled Larceny). In this episode, Bruce helps Otto and Conrad steal the opal in the mistaken belief they would return to Australia. Instead, the opal is sold to a jeweller for £25,000! What now?
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys and Monica Maughan.
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys and Monica Maughan.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I've served a lot of masters throughout history, now I wanna go back home where I can be free.
00:14Then you come along with the opal in your hand, now your every wish is my command.
00:23Genie, genie from down under, make my wish come true.
00:32Genie, genie from down under, I wish you'd do what I want you to.
00:40Genie from down under.
00:53Hey Bubbles, chewy on your mallet?
00:58Oh come on Conrad, fair's fair.
01:10One, two, three, four, who do we marry for Diana?
01:14Diana?
01:15Diana!
01:22Hey, champion of the world.
01:25Alright Otto, your turn.
01:27As you can see, Conrad's trying to sleaze his way back into my good books.
01:31Of course it's not working, I just like to see him crawl.
01:35What I'm really concerned about is my genie.
01:37It's just not easy being a master these days, especially when one has a genie like Bruce.
01:42He's always twisting my wishes and disobeying me.
01:45That's why he's being punished. I've got him doing manual labour, manicuring the lawn.
01:53Only three acres to go.
01:55I hope we're learning our lesson, Bruce.
02:01Being a master is such a dreadful responsibility.
02:12I think you need to refine your down skirt, little old chap.
02:17I think you need to refine your down skirt, little old chap.
02:21Run along and get that like a good boy, will you please?
02:24Moss up, little old chap.
02:26Your shot, darling.
02:28Five, six, seven, eight, hit the ball through the gate. Go Penn!
02:33You know, you've got a great little set up here, Di.
02:35It wouldn't take a lot of effort to turn this into a veritable tourism mecca.
02:39You really think so?
02:41I know so.
02:42I say, back home where I come from, they call me Crocodolido.
02:45King of tourism.
02:47Someone's got a tourism problem, they just call...
02:49Call the croc.
02:50Spot on, Dotty.
02:54You know, I've been thinking of branching out.
02:57Like Kanga.
02:58Roo.
02:59Roo Murdoch.
03:01What do you think of the idea of Crocodolido's English Outback Experience?
03:07I think it has a certain...
03:10I think the idea speaks for itself, really.
03:14Don't worry, darling. Just give it your best shot.
03:17It doesn't matter.
03:19It's only a game.
03:21Remember, winning isn't everything.
03:23It's how you play the game that counts.
03:40Oh, she'd just make a wish we could have this chimney cleaned in a second.
04:00But no, we have to do things the hard way.
04:03The human way.
04:04Watch out!
04:11I think we got it, Dad.
04:13I think you're right.
04:15How's the manual labour coming along?
04:17Great, Pen. There was this big, stubborn clump of soot up there, but we got it.
04:21We feel really good about it, too.
04:24I think it's called...
04:28...job satisfaction.
04:30I'm so glad to hear that, because there's so much work to be done around here.
04:34Blocked sewerage pipes, painting, mucking out the stable,
04:38spreading manure on the lawn, 16 fireplaces.
04:41The list just goes on and on.
04:44Of course, if you promise not to play any more dirty, double-crossing, low-down, conniving tricks on me,
04:49we could resume a normal working relationship without the manual labour.
04:55What if we ease up on the dirty, double-crossing, but keep a few low-down, conniving tricks?
05:00It's all or nothing. Take it or leave it.
05:04I'm sorry, Pen.
05:06A genie's got to do what a genie's got to do.
05:09I've got to think about Baz and the future.
05:12It's a difficult decision, but I'm afraid we can't make any promises we won't be able to keep.
05:18Oh, well.
05:21Then I wish for you to clean up this mess...
05:24...with a toothbrush.
05:32Attila the Hun was a better master than her.
05:36The Roman slave boats were like a pleasant canoe trip compared to this.
05:41She makes Genghis Khan look like a kindergarten teacher.
05:45Yeah!
05:49We've got to get back to Australia so we can be free.
05:53Somehow we've got to get the Obelok Penelope.
05:56How are we going to do that, Dad? We can't even hold it.
05:59We've got to get someone to carry it for us.
06:07We can't afford to stay here any longer. We've run out of money.
06:10If we are not going back, we get to find the Meister Opal.
06:13It's a matter of honour.
06:15Once we get that Opal, I'm really going to enjoy making that stuck-up, snooty, toffee-nosed, pompous, pommy princess supper.
06:21Don't you like Penelope?
06:23Penelope who?
06:24The Penelope with the Opal?
06:25What Opal?
06:26The Opal that belonged to your family.
06:27I don't know.
06:28If you had the Opal, what would you do?
06:31I don't know.
06:33I don't know.
06:34If you had the Opal, what would you do with it?
06:44I've always wanted to open up a little museum where everybody could come and take a squiz at the Opal.
06:50It wouldn't matter what colour or creed.
06:53They'd all have the chance to come and check out the Opal.
06:56All the money we earn, we give to charity.
06:58We want to free those children because our future's in their hands.
07:01But how are we going to get the Opal off?
07:03Yeah, right. That Opal's welded to her neck. She never takes it off.
07:06If we could get the Opal, would you take it back to Australia?
07:11Mate, that is the very first thing we're doing.
07:14Exactly. Get a worker for charity as soon as possible and let's free those children.
07:21I like where you're coming from.
07:23Thanks.
07:24And I feel that I can trust you there.
07:26Now, we want to get that Opal back to Australia too, but the problem is we can't touch it.
07:32We're allergic to Opals.
07:35Oh, gee. You hear some tragic things.
07:38Never mind. Not to worry. We can hold it for you.
07:41Won't harm us a bit, hey?
07:43So how do we get it off Princess Penelope?
07:46That's a long shot.
07:48That's not going to be easy.
07:50But if we stick together, I think we can pull it off.
07:56There you are.
08:00Now, you know what we have to do?
08:02Yeah, Dad. We have to take a chance to make a break of freedom.
08:05Right. Shh, shh, shh. Here she comes.
08:09Ah, there you are.
08:11We're a bit busy at the moment, mate.
08:13Yeah, we have to pay someone.
08:15Actually, I was hoping that we could rather have a bit of a chat, sort of chap to chap, so to speak, about women.
08:22We're flat out at the moment, mate.
08:24I can see. I'll try and be quick.
08:26I don't know whether you've noticed, but I'm still carrying a bit of a torch for Lady Diana.
08:30But she doesn't seem to notice me.
08:32Maybe she'd carry a neon sign instead of a torch.
08:35The thing is, I was thinking of buying her an opal as a sort of token of my affection.
08:41Well, you can't go wrong with an opal.
08:43Yes, but I've heard that they bring bad luck, and I certainly wouldn't want any more of that.
08:47Now, if you're going to get tourists coming here, you're going to have to start thinking activities.
08:51You're going to have to get them here, and then you're going to have to keep them here so you can bleed them dry.
08:56You with me?
08:58I was thinking, maybe we should do something like an onyx.
09:00What do you think about onyx?
09:02Semi-precious.
09:03Semi-precious? Oh, yes, I see what you mean.
09:05Now, look at this garden bed, and you're thinking, rip it up, lay down your concrete, slap on a bit of green paint, and bring a mini golf course.
09:13A mini golf course?
09:15Now, this glass house has had a stump in the light of day.
09:18Maybe a ruby or a sapphire.
09:21That can be a little goldmine.
09:25I want you to imagine, in the far corner over there, a solar-heated sauna.
09:34Then, of course, there's the sapphire.
09:51What a warn-out!
09:57Your bath's ready.
09:58Now, I need to take these clothes down to the laundry before the paint dries.
10:01I want that opal as well.
10:03But I didn't even take my opal off.
10:04Don't be ridiculous. It's filthy. Give it to me now.
10:09Mossy, don't rub it too much, or it'll...
10:12Mossy, can I please have the opal back?
10:14Look, my dear, just for once, I wish you'd do as I ask.
10:17I want you clean as a whistle and pretty as a picture.
10:20No!
10:23Mossy, please!
10:38Come on, Miss Posse, bear with me. Can we give you a hand with the laundry?
10:40I beg your pardon?
10:41You've got a lot of experience in industrial cleaning.
10:43We'll have this fixed up in just a jiff. No problems at all.
10:45No worries.
10:46Get your hands off me, Posse! What's the matter with everyone today?
10:48We're just being polite.
10:50Well, I wish!
10:52Keep your hands to yourself and get away now. Quick, snuff!
10:56That's more like it.
11:00Look, I know some people think I'm just a rich old bore.
11:03Oh, Bubbles, you're not that old.
11:05Exactly.
11:06Here, Your Ladyship, you'd better take this.
11:08You've got the opal in your hand. Your every wish is our command.
11:10I don't know what gets into that girl, but she gets so emotional about that pendant.
11:14I do hope it's just a phase she's going through.
11:16I rather thought she'd been settling down a lot lately.
11:19Manners, darling. Really, it's not happening.
11:24As a single parent, don't you wish your child was normal?
11:27I wish that constantly.
11:36I'm back to normal.
11:38Diana, maybe you need some form of guidance?
11:41That is, the girl needs a power figure. She needs someone special.
11:45Oh! I said, quiet!
11:46I can't do that!
11:47I can't do that!
11:48I can't do that!
11:49I can't do that!
11:50I can't do that!
11:51I can't do that!
11:53Millie!
11:55Stop this!
11:57No, I can't stand trying to get away!
12:00Come back!
12:01Come back!
12:12Come back!
12:23Where'd you come from?
12:24Australia!
12:26If I'm what's it to you, how can I help you?
12:28It's me. I'm heading for the back door downstairs.
12:33I'll meet you there.
12:41I'll meet you there.
12:52We'll be rich beyond our wildest dreams.
12:54I can hardly wait.
12:56Don't you wish we were in Australia right now?
13:02What?
13:04Yeah, I'm on my way.
13:06Good. I'll see you in a sec.
13:09Stop, you thief!
13:12Uh-oh!
13:13Give me back my opal!
13:15I haven't got your opal!
13:16This is your last warning!
13:18That's not your opal!
13:19It's the Fondmeister family opal!
13:33We are caught!
13:42You can run, but you can't hide.
13:43Truth and justice are on our side.
13:45Isn't that true, Penelope?
13:47Penelope?
13:48Penelope!
14:02You see, the thing about Australia...
14:03What are you doing here?
14:04Waiting to go back to Australia.
14:06Bet you wish we were there right now.
14:08Let's just concentrate on getting out of here first.
14:10We don't want any slip-ups.
14:16If I keep looking up, I don't take any prisoners in my kitchen!
14:18Oh, please don't throw me!
14:19Hand over that opal, and I'll let you off easy!
14:21Oh, I wish you'd give me a chance to explain!
14:23All right, you get one chance to explain yourself.
14:25Big deal. I wish you'd just leave me alone.
14:27All right, then. I'll leave you alone now...
14:29so you can have a good hard think about yourself.
14:31You need to take a good look at yourself.
14:32You're a disappointment to your family and a disgrace to yourself.
14:36Oh, there you go, mate.
14:37I bet you wish you were back in Australia, eh?
14:39I wish he won't get you anyway. You've got to make things happen.
14:41You know what I wish? I wish he'd shot your man.
15:09Hello, Otto. Would you like some pie?
15:11Oh, let's not fear. Let's go out of the belt.
15:13Mmm, it's the best pie Mossy's ever baked.
15:15No. No. No.
15:18No.
15:19No.
15:20No.
15:21No.
15:22No.
15:23No.
15:24No.
15:25No.
15:26No.
15:27No.
15:28No.
15:29No.
15:30No.
15:31No.
15:32No.
15:33No.
15:34No.
15:35No.
15:36No.
15:37No.
15:39Oh!
15:40Oh!
15:41Oh.
15:42Oh!
15:43Ah!
15:44Ah!
15:45Ah!
15:46Ah!
15:47Ah!
15:48Ah!
15:49Ah!
15:50Ah!
15:51Ah!
15:52Ah!
15:53Ah!
15:54Ah!
15:55Ah!
15:56Where's the opal, Mr. Meister?
15:58Conrad's got it. Conrad's got it.
16:00You're not going to torture me, are you?
16:02No opal, no pie.
16:06You said you were not going to torture me.
16:10I think I've broken my bottom.
16:13I've broken my bottom.
16:15Listen, Uncle, they've been trying to kill me.
16:18If we ever come out of this alive, I'm going to show them.
16:20I'm going to show them how we set things up.
16:22Ah!
16:23Ah!
16:24Ah!
16:25Where are you, Otto? Speak to me.
16:27I can't hear you. Speak clearly, mate.
16:29Can you hear me?
16:31You're breaking up. You're breaking up. I can't hear you.
16:33Here we go!
16:34Ah!
16:35My bottom!
16:37I think I want to go. I want to get out of here.
16:41Come on, come on, let's get out of here.
16:45What are you talking about? I can't stand you.
16:47He's saying, don't you wish you were in Australia right now?
16:50No, first time I'm going to sell a family honour.
16:52I mean the family opal.
16:53What about family children?
16:57Give me back my genie.
16:59What did she say?
17:00She said, give me my genie.
17:01What did he say?
17:02He said, she said, that you're a big, bald pie, Otto.
17:06I know somewhere, boys.
17:08Don't you wish you were in Australia right now?
17:11Mate, I'll tell you what I do wish.
17:12I wish I was in that jewellery shop right now getting rid of this thing here.
17:19Let's just go over that once again.
17:21We came down the corridor.
17:23We came down the corridor.
17:32Let's just go over that one more time.
17:34I'm standing in the hall.
17:42Mate, have you still got it?
17:50Good afternoon, gentlemen.
17:51Can we get a black Abel to sell, mate?
17:52Yeah, where did you get that from then?
17:53Torquay?
17:54Australia.
17:56Let me have a look.
17:57You've got the opal.
17:58Shut up, will you?
18:11I'll tell you what I'll do.
18:12I'll just come right out and give you my best offer first up.
18:14I don't like to haggle.
18:16So I'll give you 2,000 pounds.
18:20What?
18:21Torquay?
18:22You've got the opal.
18:23I don't like to haggle, but maybe I can stretch it to 10,000.
18:27How does 50,000 sound to you, mate?
18:2950,000, you're joking.
18:32We'll go laugh somewhere else, pal.
18:34You're insulting our family honour.
18:3615,000, top offer.
18:3920,000.
18:4025,000.
18:42Cash.
18:46I'm going to regret this, I know.
18:49But if you're walking on thin ice, you might as well dance.
18:53All right, mate, you got yourself an opal.
19:07Thanks, mate.
19:08Coming?
19:09No.
19:11Wish he'd say something.
19:12Something?
19:13Thought he wanted to get back to Australia.
19:15Things were different back then.
19:16Mate, there's your half of the money, mate.
19:18Keep it. Give it to a charity.
19:19Really, George?
19:20What did he say?
19:21He said we can have it.
19:22Let's go.
19:23Fair enough, no worries.
19:25There's a lesson to be learned here, son.
19:26If you're going to steal something, don't get involved with thieves.
19:29Mate, have you ever thought about taking a trip to Australia?
19:33No.
19:34I don't actually believe that travel broadens the mind.
19:36I think it only serves as a distraction from feeble imagination.
19:39I believe that the true journey lies within,
19:41and the external world is of little consequence.
19:44Fair enough.
19:45I was just interested in an abstract point of view.
19:49You know, I've often wished I were a greengrocer, you know,
19:51selling peas and carrots and aubergines.
19:55Ladies would come in and buy my potatoes and leeks.
19:58Did you wish you'd just said that?
20:00Yeah, I suppose I did.
20:16Don't you wish someone would walk in here right now
20:18and buy that opal for a special lady friend?
20:22Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
20:29I don't know why I've come to a greengrocer,
20:31but I'm looking for an opal for a special lady friend.
20:35I just happen to have one opal left.
20:36I've also got some very nice aubergines on special.
20:40So, mate, have you ever thought about taking a trip to Australia?
20:43Me? Go to the Antipodes?
20:45Yeah, don't you wish you were there right now?
20:47Certainly not, no.
20:49It's all flies, convicts, sharks and sheep dung.
20:51The very thought of it makes me feel absolutely ill.
20:53Fair enough. I just thought I'd ask.
21:00That's right, I'll keep them coming.
21:04Great.
21:05Hang on.
21:10Twenty-five rings.
21:13And the family honour.
21:19I bought you a small gift.
21:21Of course you should have.
21:23It's so nice.
21:24Unlike those Australians.
21:26They left no key in the house.
21:28I know.
21:29It's so nice.
21:30It's so nice.
21:31It's so nice.
21:32It's so nice.
21:33Unlike those Australians.
21:34They left no keys.
21:35Not even a tip.
21:36Not even aubergines?
21:38Such a cutie.
21:40I shall have a go at that.
21:43Go on.
21:44Try it yourself. Go on.
21:49You've got the opal in your hand.
21:51Your every wish is our command.
21:53It certainly is.
21:54How sweet.
21:56Actually, I've got one of my sister's money right now.
22:03Oh, dear.
22:22They were here a long time.
22:24They owe us thousands.
22:26What is this?
22:28Oh, yes.
22:29Look.
22:30It's a miracle.
22:32Von Meister's opal experience.
22:34£25,000.
22:36What a tip!
22:39Mummy, you've got my opal back.
22:41Oh, no, Miss Penelope.
22:42His Lordship has just given this opal to your mother as a token of his affection.
22:46I bought it myself at a greengrocer in the city.
22:50But you can't have.
22:52Can't you see it's my opal?
22:54It might look similar to mine, but that's no reason to forget our marriage.
22:58It's my opal and I want it back.
23:00Really, darling.
23:01I do wish you'd be more polite.
23:05Oh.
23:06Oh.
23:07I'm very sorry that I'm such a naughty and willful girl.
23:11I'll try to do better.
23:13I've been thinking of putting another sauna in the glass house.
23:17I think that's a capital idea, Diana.
23:19We could both hope to.
23:21Good genies are so hard to find these days
23:23that once you've found one, you want to hold on to them.
23:26Even if it means having to watch your manners.
23:30Oh.
23:43I'm the genie, you're the master.
23:45That's right.
23:46I'm the master, you're my genie.
23:49You belong to me.
23:50Yes!
23:51I've served a lot of masters throughout history.
23:56Now I want to go back home where I can be free.
24:00Then you come along with the opal in your hand.
24:04Now your every wish is my command.
24:08That's right.
24:09Genie, genie from down under.
24:14Make my wish come true.
24:16Dream on.
24:18Genie, genie from down under.
24:22I wish you'd do what I want you to.
24:25Aw yeah, alright then.
24:31Genie from down under.