Episode 5 of Series 1 (titled Customs). When Penelope and her mother return to England, they are arrested by Customs when they discover £20 million on them. The Genies had originally granted them it in a wish, but it just so happens that the exact same amount has been stolen from the Royal Mint!
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum and Monica Maughan among the cast
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum and Monica Maughan among the cast
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I've served a lot of masters throughout history, now I want to go back home where I can be
00:12free.
00:13Then you come along with the opal in your hand, now your every wish is my command.
00:22Genie, genie, from down under, make my wish come true, dream on.
00:31Genie, genie, from down under, I wish you'd do what I want you to.
00:38Ah, yeah, alright.
00:39Genie from down under.
00:43Hey, we're free!
00:46I know, you're thinking, poor Penelope's stuck in Australia again.
00:52Well, I try not to complain too much.
00:56Peel me another grape.
01:05If Bruce wasn't so untrustworthy and sly, I wouldn't be in this mess.
01:09I'd be home in England.
01:10Hang on, Conrad!
01:12The only good thing about this ghastly place is Conrad.
01:16I know I should despise him, but sometimes the ways of the heart just make no sense.
01:22As time passes, I do think he likes me just a little bit.
01:26Look at that toffee nose stuck up bum.
01:28Makes me sick.
01:30Hey, I know you're feeling right, but you're going to have to bang on the charm, or we'll
01:35never get anywhere near that opal.
01:38Come on.
01:41Them Tokyo tourists will be looking for the attacker.
01:44And this is where they can find it.
01:49The other reason I've stayed here so long is because Bruce and Baz do love Australia.
01:53I'd let them have a bit of a working holiday, just to prove that I am a considerate and
01:58responsible master.
02:00OK, holiday's over.
02:02Time's up.
02:03We've only been here two hours.
02:06Too long.
02:07Now, I want to go home to England.
02:09Oh, come on, mate.
02:10You're not being fair to this great country.
02:12Maybe we should show you around a bit.
02:14Why don't we get out the old magic carpet and give you a bit of a look-see?
02:17Because I want to go back to England.
02:20Now, I want five million pounds in cash.
02:22That's my...
02:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, mate.
02:24I could do that for you.
02:26But where's the money going to come from?
02:28It's got to come from somewhere.
02:29I can't just throw five million in the pot.
02:31That'd cause inflation.
02:33And when you make a wish, you've got to think about the consequences.
02:35You have to be responsible for your wishes.
02:38Now, instant inflation is highly irresponsible.
02:41Right, son?
02:42Right, Dad.
02:45Instant inflation?
02:47A real genie would never mention such a thing.
02:50I just wish you were one.
03:01Well, you just asked for a genie proper.
03:03So here we are in all the clobber.
03:05I hope for you it gives a thrill because I feel like a total dill.
03:15That's, uh, very nice.
03:18But I think I'd like to go back to England now.
03:20Come on, Pen, let's go for a ride.
03:22Dad and me will be your guide.
03:24An amazing trip for you is planned to show the beauty of our fair land.
03:28And to give a verdict true, I'll leave the judgment up to you.
03:32Achoo!
03:33Yippee!
03:38Over there!
03:47Oh, Kookaburra!
03:49All part of the outback experience.
03:54My joy I can't contain when I see this wide open plain.
03:59No wonder I love this place so much.
04:01Look at that.
04:02It's completely untouched.
04:03I'm not surprised.
04:05All those snakes and crocodiles.
04:07Ah!
04:21I'm going to be sick.
04:30Coral splendor beyond belief.
04:31That's our great barrier reef.
04:34Sharks!
04:42What's that awful pile of tissue paper down on the shore?
04:46Pen, don't be such a louse.
04:48That is the Sydney Opera House.
04:52Come to the whalers.
04:53Go with them.
04:54Come on, son.
04:56Stop mucking around.
05:02The opal!
05:03I've dropped the opal!
05:04Fast!
05:05Hold on to that opal!
05:09There it is.
05:10Go!
05:11Oh!
05:12Oh, do not stop!
05:13Quickly!
05:14Quick, Sam!
05:15Keep a steady!
05:21Now take me home immediately.
05:23Is that a wish, my little dish?
05:25Yes.
05:26Then our tour is at a finish.
05:28Ha!
05:29Ha!
05:30Ha!
05:31Ha!
05:32Ha!
05:33Ha!
05:34Ha!
05:35Ha!
05:36Ha!
05:37Ha!
05:38Ha!
05:39Ha!
05:40Ha!
05:41Ha!
05:42Ha!
05:43Ha!
05:44Ha!
05:45Ha!
05:46Ha!
05:47Ha!
05:48Ha!
05:49Ha!
05:50Ha!
05:51Ha!
05:52to hers she'd never part with it. of course she wouldn't. do you have any
05:56garnets or barrels in your collection? I had a barrel once.
06:03my last wife.
06:09how about that for old Andy? son it really was quite outstanding. stop
06:16talking to me in all those rhymes. you've tricked me far too many times.
06:20no more rhymes. no more costumes. no more flying carpets. and that's a wish. now I
06:30want to go home to England and I want ten million pounds in cash. let's think
06:34about the pros and cons of this particular request. the ups and downs. the
06:38consequences. the cause and effect. the pros are I'll be home and rich. the cons
06:42are heat dust and flies. the ups is that I've got my own personal genie. the down
06:47is it's you. there is nothing in this world. not one single thing I can see
06:52that would convince me to stay in this dump.
06:55good day. how's it going?
06:58nice to see you again. get lost.
07:00take a hike. that's a wish.
07:09you know I was thinking you are Australian and you haven't seen any of us.
07:13I thought I'd show you around.
07:15oh yes. that would be super.
07:17then I started to think what would Penn like to do? what would she really enjoy?
07:22then he hit me. yeah that's it. a real Aussie treat. you'd love it. my
07:27shout. do you want to go? yes I'd love to. I wish we were there right now.
07:43could only get standing room you know but I wish we had some good seats.
07:49I've got two tickets I'd like to have real cheap. they're very good seats.
07:54excuse me. my next seat.
07:56thank you.
08:01these are good seats aren't they?
08:03comfortable are we?
08:05yes thank you.
08:07that might not seem. we'll be alright.
08:13no!
08:15no!
08:17Curly clit!
08:23come on the dummy.
08:25go to the door.
08:27go that's on it.
08:35go that's on it.
08:37Fancy a bite?
08:38Beg your pardon?
08:39Don't you wish you had something to eat?
08:40Oh, yes.
08:41Can I have a drink?
08:42Yeah, can you open this for me?
08:43Yes, of course.
08:44Oh, watch it!
08:45Do you open all right?
08:46Sure.
08:47Go, doggies!
08:48Oh, good young boy.
08:49All right.
08:50You sure you don't want me to mind?
08:51Can you open all this for me?
08:52Oh, yes.
08:53Oh, yes.
08:54Oh, yes.
08:55Oh, yes.
08:56Oh, yes.
08:57Oh, yes.
08:58Oh, yes.
08:59Oh, yes.
09:00Oh, yes.
09:01Oh, yes.
09:02Oh, yes.
09:03Oh, yes.
09:04Oh, yes.
09:05Oh, yes.
09:07No, it's fine.
09:08Thank you.
09:09Fancy, man, crazy.
09:10Come here, doggies.
09:11Come here and leave him.
09:12Yes!
09:14Oh, look at the young boys born.
09:17Come here, doggies.
09:18Come here.
09:19Come on.
09:20Yes!
09:21Come and leave him.
09:22Please guys, come on.
09:23Yes!
09:24Come here and leave him.
09:25Yes!
09:26Hahaha!
09:29Are you going to keep throwing yourself?
09:32I wish we would look back at the tower this time.
09:34Can't you see that?
09:36Oh, my God!
09:38Oh, my God!
09:40Oh, my God!
09:42Oh, my God!
09:47Thank you, Conrad. That was quite an experience.
09:51Yeah, right. Glad you enjoyed it.
09:58I wish I was clean.
10:00I can do...
10:01Don't even think about it, Bess.
10:04Thank you.
10:06But I couldn't...
10:07Don't you wish he'd pull his head in?
10:09That'll shut him up.
10:15Now, I want to go back to England,
10:17and I want 15 million pounds in cash.
10:19Where do you want me to get the cash?
10:21From the bank or the Royal Mint or maybe somebody's account?
10:24Technically, it's stealing, but what's 15 mil among friends?
10:28I want to go home.
10:31Isn't this perfect weather, darling?
10:33I'll see you in a few minutes.
10:35Hey, Otto.
10:36Yes?
10:37The customers are ready
10:38and waiting for the next thrilling instalment of the Outback Experience.
10:41Oh, it's too hot. They'll fry.
10:43It'll be the Outback Expiration.
10:45Go and tell them to watch a video on the bus.
10:47The air-con's broken down.
10:48I couldn't give a fat rat's.
10:50Well, you tell them. It's your experience.
10:53Did something happen to you, Bess?
10:56No, don't be silly, Bess.
10:58I wish you'd pull your head out.
11:01Well, I never.
11:03But that's better.
11:05Don't do it again.
11:06The wind might change and you'll stay that way.
11:12Can you hear that, Penelope?
11:15I can't actually hear anything, Mummy.
11:17Exactly.
11:18The calm and the peace.
11:21Can't you feel it doing you good?
11:24Today, no.
11:28Look, Pen might know it,
11:30but I can see it doing her good.
11:33I haven't heard any traffic for ages.
11:37No noisy neighbours.
11:39Just utter peace and tranquillity.
11:58I'm coming, I'm coming.
12:00Welcome to Australia, Lady Towns.
12:03I'm Madge Brewster,
12:05chairperson of the committee
12:07of the Townsville Country Women's Association.
12:10And this is Mrs. Turner, Mrs. Gurner, Mrs. Werner,
12:14Mrs. Lovett, Mrs. Glover and Mrs. Peake.
12:18And this is Mrs. Peake's granddaughter,
12:22Kylie Bicholucci.
12:24Charmed, I'm sure.
12:26I'm only Miss Mossop, the housekeeper.
12:29Oh, hello.
12:31I'm Diana Towns.
12:36Visitors.
12:37How nice of you to call.
12:39Would you like a cup of tea?
12:41Oh, that'd be lovely, Your Ladyship.
12:44Thank you.
12:45We all brought a plate so you wouldn't be put out.
12:48Oh, very sweet.
12:49We've plenty of plates.
12:51Come on, Brad.
12:52Just a thought.
12:53Do you reckon that pommer shield
12:55would swap the apple for two original and genuine
12:58Herbeck Spoons T-shirts?
13:02Three.
13:05Four.
13:06Eh?
13:11Now, Kylie would like to recite a little poem
13:15to make you all feel welcome.
13:17Come on, darling.
13:18Right there, girls.
13:22Welcome to my country
13:24It's a land of ups and downs
13:26There are mountains, valleys, rivers, swamps
13:28There are cities and there are towns
13:30There are kangaroos and anemones
13:32And pellets coloured black
13:34I wish you'd put a sock in it.
13:36There are crocodiles and there are sharks
13:38And things that give us a nasty bite
13:41And things that give us a nasty bite
13:49Must be a local custom here.
13:51Excuse me.
13:52I need to use the lavatory.
13:54Wait!
13:57Whatever you do, lift the seat first.
14:02The seat?
14:03The toilet seat.
14:05It's the favourite nesting place of the red-backed spider.
14:08A cousin of mine from Borough of Brigh
14:10sat on one on the toilet.
14:12How dreadful.
14:14Poor spider.
14:38OK, no more footy, no more ladies with plates.
14:41I want Mommy Mossop and I to be on the plane back to England.
14:44I want 15... No.
14:4620 million pounds sterling in cash upon arrival at the airport.
14:49And I don't want any funny business.
14:51That's my wish. Is that clear?
14:53Mirror's crystal.
14:55No funny business.
14:57But, uh...
14:59what about the consequences?
15:01Where do I get the money from?
15:03I don't care.
15:05That's your business. You work it out.
15:07You're a genie.
15:14Sausage rolls are Norma's speciality.
15:18Thank you.
15:20Where have they gone?
15:23They must have gone to the toilet.
15:25They've all gone to the toilet.
15:27What are you putting in those sausage rolls, Norma?
15:30Gone? Gone where?
15:32Just gone.
15:33They can't have just gone.
15:35They haven't gone back to England.
15:37Well, if they have, it's by magic.
15:39Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Heathrow Airport.
15:42The weather forecast will be lovely.
15:44There'll be showers, some rain and possible thunderstorms.
15:51Nothing to declare, eh?
15:53That's right.
16:02You know, this is really depressing.
16:05People just lie to me every day.
16:08Twenty million pounds.
16:10You creep, you'll pay for this!
16:12Steady on, miss. Let's not have any funny business.
16:15Can't you see what he's doing?
16:17He's just doing his job.
16:19Thank you, ma'am.
16:21Not him, Bruce!
16:23I'll fix you one day!
16:25Now, just a minute, miss.
16:27This item purchased abroad, was it?
16:29Um...
16:31Opal.
16:33Opals are very bad luck, you know.
16:35Looks like your luck just ran out, Pen.
16:37Ow!
16:41Every cloud has a silver lining.
16:45Every cloud has a silver lining.
16:49Every cloud has a silver lining.
16:52Please, monsieur.
16:59Day in, day out.
17:01People lying and cheating.
17:05I just wish I could have a bit of variety.
17:09I say, I say, I say!
17:11You rubbed the opal in your hand. Your every wish was our command.
17:14That's very nice of you.
17:17Anything to declare?
17:19I declare, I declare!
17:21Three vampires go into a bloodbath.
17:23There's an Irish one, a Danish one and an Australian.
17:26What do you want, says the nurse?
17:28We'll each have a pint, they says.
17:30Oh, she said, you'd better go to the pub next door.
17:40But where on earth did all that cash come from?
17:44I've been saving my dinner money.
17:51Inspector Grave from the yard.
17:55Currency violation is a very serious business.
18:00Who are you working for?
18:02A relationship. Mostly as part of the family.
18:05The family? Which family?
18:09Not the one from Calabria?
18:13No, we're from Wiltshire, Inspector Graveyard.
18:16Just grave, Lady Thames?
18:18I beg your pardon? No yard, just grave.
18:21What are you telling me, all this? This is brutality!
18:24No, it's my name.
18:27It was your suitcase, miss?
18:30Yes. Did you pack it yourself?
18:32I do all the packing, Inspector Yardgrave.
18:35Get out of here. Just leave me alone.
18:38I wish I could, miss.
18:41But there's the consequences.
18:43The cause and the effect?
18:45Exactly.
18:47You do the laundering, don't you?
18:49Of course.
18:52£20 million went missing from the Royal Mint.
18:57With those exact serial numbers.
19:01Don't say anything, Aussie. Don't get involved.
19:05They'd never put us in prison.
19:08Oh, Lady, the shame of it.
19:11The shame of it?
19:13The shame of it?
19:15The shame of it?
19:17The shame of it?
19:19The shame of it?
19:21The shame of it?
19:23For the last time, Penelope,
19:25how did that money get in your case?
19:28Mummy, you wouldn't understand.
19:30Well, I sincerely hope I wouldn't.
19:33How did you manage to acquire £20 million from the Royal Mint?
19:38It's the worst possible thing anyone could wish for.
19:41And in unused notes.
19:43If the newspapers get a hold of this, we're finished.
19:46What if it's on TV?
19:49There's only one way out.
19:51Lots of chat shows?
19:53No. Worse, we'd have to move to Australia.
19:56Please don't be flippant, Penelope.
19:58No. We'll have to hire the best lawyer in the country.
20:02I wish we could talk to somebody.
20:04You can talk to me.
20:06Perhaps.
20:08You know that miserable man that's got the opal?
20:11He's not miserable any more. Me and Dad might even laugh.
20:15Tell him to wish I could see someone I know.
20:17I don't know.
20:19I do that. I know. Just do it now.
20:21OK.
20:23It's not a cucumber
20:25It's a didgeridoo
20:29Hey, mister, can you wish for someone that I know to see someone that they know?
20:33Hang on. This is another killer.
20:35All right. I wish for someone you know to see someone they know.
20:41What's the joke? What's the quip? What's the punchline?
20:44Tell him, Dad.
20:46You're every wish is our command.
20:50Penelope!
20:54Marcia, Sophie.
20:56Wishably had to see you. This is costly.
20:59Daddy read it in the telegraph.
21:01Mummy heard it on the radio.
21:03And we both heard it when Miss Rook announced it over the school intercom system.
21:07Yes. That's when the whole school heard it.
21:10No, they didn't. Chloe Kerrigan was at home with a cold.
21:13She didn't hear it.
21:15I did. I phoned her.
21:17Here, Penelope. We've brought you a present.
21:20But you can only borrow it.
21:22It's from Daddy's tool shed.
21:24What is it?
21:26A file. What's that for?
21:28Well, it's not for your nails, Lady Towns.
21:31Let's go, Sophie. We don't want to be accessories.
21:34Speaking of accessories, I want to buy some gloves to match my fabulous new shoes.
21:39Goodbye, Lady Townsend. Goodbye, Mossop.
21:43Bye, Penelope.
21:45What made them turn up?
21:47To gloat, Mossy.
21:49To gloat.
21:51This is like a nightmare.
21:53What horror can befall us next?
21:56Hello.
22:00Chin up, Diana.
22:02Hello, Mossop.
22:04Hello, Penelope.
22:06Don't tell us why you're here.
22:08I won't. But I heard about your situation on the radio.
22:11Then I read about it in the newspapers and finally I saw it on the television.
22:15So I've come to get you out.
22:17Thank heavens. Is this due to your position in society, Lord Accrington-Smyth?
22:22No, Mossop. It's due to 20,000 pounds bail money.
22:26Oh, and that Australian chap persuaded the customs man to give this to you, Penelope.
22:32He seemed to feel it might cheer you up.
22:34Thank you, Bubbles. You don't know what this means to me.
22:37What about the 20 million pounds?
22:40And the bail money we owe Bubbles?
22:42Oh, Diana, there are all sorts of ways you can repay me, my beloved.
22:47Don't start that.
22:49I wish the money was back where it came from and the whole incident forgotten.
22:57I know you're in there, Bruce, and I wish you'd come out in ten seconds.
23:06Should be long now.
23:10Look, here he comes.
23:18Bruce has been trying to teach me
23:20to be more responsible for the consequences of my wishes.
23:23I understand what he's getting at.
23:26But two can play at that game.
23:36I'm the genie, you're the master.
23:39That's right. I'm the master, you're my genie.
23:43You belong to me. Yes!
23:45I've served a lot of masters throughout history
23:49Now I want to go back home where I can be free
23:54Then you come along with the opal in your hand
23:58Now your every wish is my command
24:02That's right.
24:04Genie, genie from down under
24:08Make my wish come true
24:11Dream on.
24:13Genie, genie from down under
24:17I wish you'd do what I want you to
24:20Yeah, all right, Maggie.
24:25Genie from down under