Episode 3 of Series 2 (titled The Cold Shoulder). In this episode, Conrad trains a parrot to steal the opal and becomes master of it's powers. Meanwhile, Miss Mossop encourages Diana to "seize the day" and confront her feelings about Bruce.
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Glenn Meldrum, Sandy Winton, Fletcher Humphrys, Mark Mitchell, Monica Maughan and Ian McFadyen.
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Glenn Meldrum, Sandy Winton, Fletcher Humphrys, Mark Mitchell, Monica Maughan and Ian McFadyen.
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00That's exactly right. There is no mystery to golf. Golf is a game where you hit a ball
00:06into a hole, isn't that right? Now have a look at this. I call this the oddo ball. It's
00:11beyond invention. This will change the way golf is played. No matter how hard you hit
00:15it, it's always going to bounce right back at you. It's all in the wrists. It's in the
00:22hips. It's in the swing and the follow through. Look out. Just have a gander. Stand well back.
00:30This will change the way you play golf.
00:47Any volunteers for mouth to mouth?
00:50I can't see Conrad anywhere.
00:52Oh well, he'll be here soon and I'll look him straight in the eye and just ignore him.
00:56Yes, I know what to do about Conrad. I'm sick of him avoiding me and pretending he
01:01doesn't like me. Now he's going to find out how it feels. I'm going to play hard to get.
01:05I'm going to give him the cold shoulder. I'm not even going to talk to him.
01:09Pen.
01:11Conrad, good to see you.
01:13Pen, how are you?
01:15Very well. I haven't seen you for so long it seems like forever.
01:18Oh yeah, that's that. Hold it right there. That is fantastic, Pen. Thanks very much.
01:23See you later.
01:26That cold shoulder treatment really works, doesn't it?
01:39Now I don't know what I'm going to do about Bruce now.
01:42Well my lady, I always say seize the day.
01:46Seize the day?
01:48Just tell him how you feel.
01:50But Mossy, I'm English. I can't just go around expressing my...
01:54Feelings?
01:55Yes. No, I don't... Yes.
01:59Ta-da!
02:02Hey, how are you, Dighty?
02:04G'day, Mossy. Oh, what a pearler of a day, isn't it?
02:09They're all playing golf, that classic Aussie game.
02:11Do you want to have a burl?
02:13See Darlene. Darlene's your man.
02:15She won the Davis Cup in 89.
02:17Isn't that tennis?
02:20Oh yeah, it is now, yeah. But she's a real little old rounder.
02:23Where are you going? Dighty? Dighty?
02:28Have you seen Conrad? I need to see him. It's urgent.
02:31She has to tell him that she doesn't want to see him.
02:33I'll tell him.
02:34No, no, no. I have to see him.
02:36What, to tell him you don't want to see him?
02:38Yes.
02:39When I see him, I'll tell him you don't want to see him.
02:42All right? Dighty?
02:44Ignoring someone is hard work, isn't it?
02:47All right now, Polly, this is Penelope.
02:49Yeah, and that's the opal. That's it.
02:51That's what you've got to get.
02:52That's what you've got to get, all right?
02:54That's what you have to go in and get.
02:56What are you doing, Conrad?
02:58Look how ugly you are going to be wrapped.
03:00I've been training Polly for weeks, right?
03:02And I'm going to get her to get in there and swoop down
03:04and grab the opal right off Penn's neck.
03:06It's as simple as that, mate.
03:08As simple as that, mate.
03:10What sort of fat-headed, dim-witted, pea-brained scheme is this?
03:13What sort of fat-headed, dim-witted, pea-brained scheme is that?
03:16I mean, look, I don't want to be discouraging.
03:18You and me ain't flesh and blood.
03:20But, Conrad, I sometimes think you've got to be
03:22the slowest cretin in the history of the human race.
03:25Slowest cretin? Slowest cretin?
03:28Yeah, well, I'm not.
03:32And I'm going to be the fastest cretin in that race, mate.
03:43Hey, Dad, Dinah wants to talk to you.
03:45Mossy's been telling her she should sneeze all day.
03:48Really?
04:06Come on, Polly.
04:08Come on, Polly.
04:11Come on, Polly.
04:13It can't be that hard.
04:15But it's talking about, do you know...
04:17Your feelings.
04:19Shh.
04:21Ruth.
04:23I didn't know you played golf.
04:25You're very good at it.
04:27Never got the hang of it myself.
04:29Well, the main thing's confidence.
04:31Confidence.
04:34You just keep your eye on the ball...
04:36and follow through.
04:39Oh!
04:41Oh!
04:43See what I mean?
04:49Go, Polly.
04:51Go on, pounce.
04:55Pounce, Polly.
04:59Yes, come on.
05:02Go!
05:09Yes, good job, you good bird, yes!
05:13Conrad?
05:16Not again.
05:19Conrad!
05:22Well, actually, Bruce, I wanted to talk to you about, um...
05:25My feelings.
05:27Your feelings?
05:29Oh, no, I do have feelings.
05:31But Her Ladyship wasn't referring to my humble feelings.
05:33She was referring to her own feelings.
05:36Simple as that, mate, simple as that.
05:41Come on.
05:43Come on, Conrad, come on.
05:45Come on.
05:48No, you can't, Conrad.
05:50Come back here!
05:52Bruce!
05:53Bruce, a bird!
05:55A bird's taken my opal.
05:57Get it back for me, and that's a wish.
05:59Really, Penelope, what do you expect Bruce to do?
06:01Fly after the bird?
06:03Fly, exactly.
06:05I'm afraid I can't do that.
06:07Of course you can't.
06:09No opal, no wishes.
06:11What?
06:13Come on, give it up for Conrad.
06:15Come on.
06:17Where are you going?
06:19Give it to me, give it to me.
06:21Oi!
06:23You did this, didn't you, Baz?
06:25I mean, how can you be so stupid as to let a parrot swoop down?
06:28Penelope, really?
06:30Now aren't I giving you the cold shoulder?
06:35Bruce?
06:36Baz?
06:40Got the opal.
06:42Got the opal.
06:44You've rubbed the opal in your wing.
06:46Your every wish is what we'll bring.
06:48Good one, Dad.
06:50Probably want a cracker.
06:53Uh-oh.
06:55Nah.
06:57Uh-oh.
06:59Uh-oh.
07:01Chloe!
07:03Chloe!
07:05What are you doing up there?
07:07Uh-oh.
07:15OK, Birdbrain.
07:17Thought you could outsmart me, eh?
07:19Uh-oh.
07:22Oh!
07:26Two can play at that game.
07:28I hope he's not going to poo on Polly.
07:41You've rubbed the opal in your...
07:43Oh!
07:49Masters just aren't what they used to be, eh?
07:55You've rubbed the opal in your...
07:57Your every wish is our command.
07:59What?
08:01We're genies.
08:03We grant wishes.
08:07Oh, right.
08:09This is like counting cameras out in a minute.
08:12No, mate. No, we're magic.
08:14Show him, Baz.
08:22That's unreal!
08:25All right.
08:27I wish my jeans were tighter.
08:29Top wish, mate.
08:35That's really wicked.
08:37All right, I wish...
08:39I wish I had a leather jacket.
08:41Lots of muscles.
08:48Muscles! Yeah, I get it.
08:50I get it, muscles.
08:52All right, I wish my body was pierced.
09:00Really wicked!
09:10I've lost my opal.
09:12Sit down and we'll seize a nice cup of tea.
09:15I don't want a cup of tea. I want my opal back.
09:18If you just seize a piece of chocolate cake and eat it,
09:21somehow it helps to ease the torment and frustration.
09:25My lady, perhaps tomorrow you could seize a vanilla slice.
09:29As soon as I get that opal back,
09:31I'm going to give Conrad a shoulder that's so cold he'll get frostbite.
09:35All right.
09:45Mate! Don't you wish Pen could see you?
09:48Oh, yeah, mate. Oh, yes.
09:51Oh, Conrad.
09:53So good to see you and the opal.
09:56How have you been?
09:58Really wicked, Pen. Really wicked.
10:02Hey, I wish my mates were here to see this.
10:10A radical ghetto blast.
10:12Wicked, mate.
10:14Check this bit out, Pen. This bit goes...
10:21That first note says it all.
10:23How do you like the surf? Yeah, let's do it.
10:26Marvellous. Let's hit the beach.
10:28I wish you would.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:35Conrad, you are awake!
10:37Pen, you want to go and get us some chips while we have a surf?
10:40Oh, it would be my pleasure.
10:42You're a top kid.
10:44How dare that cretin send me to get his chips?
10:46That's what surfing chicks do.
10:48Who did he take me for? His personal slave?
10:50Oh, that'd be terrible, wouldn't it?
10:52Look, I want to suggest a deal.
10:54Just please, Bruce, anything.
10:56I'll get the opal back for you.
10:58Yes?
10:59And let me have half an hour alone with your mother.
11:06It's a deal.
11:13Notice, Pen, I'm giving you the cold shoulder?
11:17Seizing the day mightn't be the right thing for you.
11:21Perhaps you should seize half a day to begin with.
11:24If I could only seize half an hour with him...
11:27Oh, Morty, why am I so... so... so...
11:31Inhibited?
11:33Oh, you've no idea, my lady.
11:46Thanks, Pen.
11:50Oh, I'm spewing there was no surf.
11:54Oh, you look upset.
11:56Well, actually, mate, she's much more interested in your intellect than in your surfing.
11:59Your what?
12:01Your brain, mate.
12:03Oh, right, cos I'm not stupid.
12:05No, no, no.
12:07I don't think so, I'm stupid.
12:09Really? I don't know why.
12:11Yeah.
12:13Actually, Pen, do you know how to get things, you know,
12:16happening in the brain department?
12:20You could talk to Bubbles.
12:22He's very clever at that sort of thing.
12:24Bubbles?
12:25Get in on it, guys.
12:27Oh, right.
12:30Uh...
12:32Well, so let's just check out that surf in England.
12:36Oh!
12:40Oh, this place is ice.
12:42Totally filthy.
12:43Oh, it's not that filthy, is it?
12:45I mean, I haven't...
12:46It's fine, Mossy.
12:47Bruce, so glad you're here.
12:49Where did you go?
12:50Um, was it something important?
12:52Something urgent?
12:53Well, I have to go to the beach.
12:55The beach?
12:56So, Pen, let's get this brain thing happening.
12:58Well, I'll organise for you, see, Bubbles, if you like.
13:00Oh, wish you would.
13:06First Bruce disappears, now everyone.
13:08Is it me, Mossy?
13:10Am I trying to seize the day too much?
13:12Perhaps to begin with we could try and seize just a minute or two
13:16to get some confidence.
13:19Yeah, I like to be smart, you know,
13:21get with the program.
13:22I know exactly what you mean.
13:23You do?
13:24Just because you're stupid doesn't mean you can't be intelligent.
13:27All the chaps in my chaps in search of meaning group
13:30have proved that conclusively.
13:32I'd love to know what you're talking about.
13:34You'd never pick it, but some of us have virtual cretins.
13:37Cretins? Wow.
13:39To be intelligent, everything you need to know
13:41is right here in the great works.
13:44Oi, we've been surfing the duck pond.
13:46It was a bit flat, but they reckon it was really popping yesterday.
13:48Yeah, come on, Rad, come on, check it out.
13:50Uh, no, later, dudes.
13:52All right, cool.
13:53Ah, big car.
13:55I bet you wish you could read all these books, Conrad.
13:58Oh, yeah, that'd be, like, really cool.
14:03What are you doing?
14:04You said you'd get the opal back.
14:06Yeah, don't worry.
14:07I'm looking forward to having a chat with your mum about our true feelings.
14:21Notice I'm still giving you the cold shoulder, Pip?
14:24Isn't Conrad amazing?
14:27Such a thirst for knowledge.
14:29Oh, yeah.
14:30As far as knowledge goes, he was a desert.
14:37Stop that!
14:39This is not private space, you know!
14:41Come out of there! Come out of there!
14:45So you see, it's really very simple.
14:47If you think you're intelligent, then you probably are.
14:50So when Descartes says,
14:54I think, therefore I am.
14:55He means we know we exist because we think we do,
14:58like it's all in the mind.
15:00Take those weirly things eight-side.
15:03Hey, dudes, this is...
15:05You must respect other dudes' property,
15:07even though ownership is an illusion.
15:10That's heavy, Radcon.
15:11Why don't you send them on a surfari?
15:13Good idea, mate.
15:14I wish you were both surfing in a while.
15:17Oh!
15:24Conrad, that was so impressive.
15:26I don't think I've ever met anyone like you.
15:29I owe it all to you, Pen.
15:31You're the one who put me on the bubbles.
15:33You're the one who's been thinking what's best for me all along.
15:36There's a deep bond between you and me.
15:38And one day, hopefully,
15:40we'll become one and be in love internally.
15:43Eternally.
15:45As long as I've got the opal,
15:47that'll be my wish.
15:49Oh, that's...
15:51I'm...
15:53Oh, Conrad.
15:56I've got an idea.
15:57I wish Uncle Otto was here.
16:02I'm still getting bird poo out of me hair.
16:04What do those birds eat anyway? Paint?
16:07Conrad.
16:08You moron.
16:09Where have you been all this time?
16:11Time is such a relative concept.
16:13Past, present, future.
16:14They're all abstract.
16:16I love the way you think.
16:18Ha! Conrad, think?
16:20You've got to be kidding.
16:22Uncle Otto, I have a dream
16:24that one day old dudes will treat each other as brothers.
16:27What are you on about?
16:28A master should be kind and fair to his servants
16:31because when one dude is enslaved,
16:33none of us are truly free.
16:35Yeah, you've got to be nice to people,
16:37not call them stupid.
16:40You stupid boofhead.
16:42You thick-witted vegetable.
16:43You feeble-minded moron.
16:46Now get back to work, numbskull.
16:48Come on, we're going now.
16:49Come on.
16:51He just doesn't understand me.
16:53Bruce?
16:58I decided to seize the day.
17:00Bruce.
17:03Will you marry me?
17:06Diana, yeah, of course I'll marry you.
17:09You will?
17:10You will?
17:24Oh, what happened?
17:26You seized the day, my lady.
17:27You proposed.
17:28Bruce accepted.
17:29You're getting married.
17:31Let me say, quite honestly,
17:33I'm very happy for both of you.
17:35It's really beautiful.
17:36Yeah, congrats.
17:37I'm already starting to mist up.
17:39Yes, it's wonderful.
17:40It's so touching when people are so honest with each other,
17:44when two people are open and sharing,
17:46when there are no secrets.
17:48That's true.
17:49I don't have any secrets from Bruce.
17:51So what about you, Bruce?
17:55Well, you see, the thing is, there's, um...
17:59I mean, there's some...
18:03What was the question again?
18:04I was asking about secrets, Bruce.
18:07Surely you don't have anything murky
18:09hidden in your dim, dark past.
18:12Well, see, there's certain things
18:14that I'm just not allowed to tell.
18:16Even if your marriage is a woman?
18:19Well, it's against the rules.
18:21Are you in the Secret Service, Bruce?
18:23A spy? A bounty hunter?
18:25Golly, it's not something shady, is it?
18:29Hey, chill out, dudes, and remember the words of Shakespeare.
18:32I don't mean not to the marriage of true minds amid impediments.
18:36Bravo!
18:37Thank you, Bubbles. Thank you, Conrad.
18:39So, Bruce, let me try and understand this.
18:41You're saying you hide things from Mummy?
18:44Well, if it's against the rules to be totally honest with me,
18:47then I don't think I can seize the day with you.
18:51Well, Diana, perhaps you'd like to seize the day with me?
18:54My lady, stay away from that chocolate cake!
18:56Diana!
18:58What?
19:01From now on, I'm giving you the sub-zero shoulder.
19:04People should follow their hearts
19:06and not concern themselves with material possessions.
19:09And that's a more important thing.
19:11That's why...
19:13I must give away...
19:15this opal.
19:17Opal? What opal?
19:19You know that I'm Master Opal.
19:21Conrad!
19:23Conrad, I've got you, sweetheart.
19:25Conrad!
19:26Conrad, I've got you some bad news from time to time.
19:28Conrad!
19:29It's because I have a genuine affection for you.
19:31Don't listen to him. He just wants the opal.
19:33Of course I do, because we're family.
19:35Conrad, love is all that matters,
19:37and your love means everything to me.
19:39Well, then, Conrad can give you his love
19:41and let Otto have the opal.
19:43Top thinking, Bruce!
19:44He's had a mouthful.
19:45Can't I have both?
19:46No.
19:47No, Pen.
19:48The opal's just going to come between us, Pen.
19:52Baz, who should I give it to?
19:56Baz, mate!
19:59Hey, listen, have you ever driven a unimog?
20:01Would you like to drive a unimog?
20:03How about some wheels?
20:05What do you think, Baz?
20:08Dad?
20:11I still want 30 minutes with your mum.
20:15We have a deal.
20:19Well, you took it from Pen,
20:21so she ought to have it back.
20:23Well, there you have it.
20:24The wisdom of innocence is spoken.
20:27No! No!
20:29You switchless moron!
20:31You vegetable buff head!
20:33You've done some stupid things in your time.
20:35But this...
20:36I wish you'd go and stand with your head in a pigsty.
20:40Right, I will.
20:45Conrad, I'm sorry,
20:47but I wish everything could be like it was
20:49before the parrot stole the opal.
20:54Conrad?
20:55Do you still want to be in love eternally?
20:58Oh, get real!
20:59I'd rather go surfing than hang around with you.
21:04Oh, honesty's so important in a relationship.
21:07Ah, there you are, Bruce.
21:09I was wondering if I could have a word with you in private.
21:13Of course, we could go for a walk, huh?
21:15Oh.
21:16Think I've got a spare half hour?
21:19Have you heard the expression, seize the day?
21:23Seize the day?
21:25Have you ever heard the saying, give someone the cold shoulder?
21:28Yes, I have.
21:41Darlene!
21:43Are you ready to load them?
21:44All right, sort them out, get them on.
21:46OK, people.
21:47Don't you sit next to me on the bus.
21:49Your stupidity might be contagious.
21:52I really feel sorry for Conrad.
21:54No-one should be made to feel they're stupid.
21:57Yeah, I know.
21:59Oh, I'm sorry, Baz.
22:01You know, I was wrong.
22:03That's a relief.
22:05Doing the cold shoulder really gets you down after a while.
22:08I wish we could do something for Conrad.
22:11I can do that.
22:13Because you are too stupid.
22:15Thanks for the advice, Conrad.
22:17You've really improved my game.
22:19I mean, your knowledge and your experience are just amazing.
22:22I've never really understood the game of golf before.
22:25Yeah, I taught him everything he knows.
22:27Oh, really?
22:28He must have learned a lot since then.
22:30Just get on the bus, will you?
22:34What's that smell?
22:35It smells like a pigsty.
22:36It's worse.
22:37It's hollow.
22:38Look, get on the bus or you'll miss your toilet break.
22:45It was very hard to choose between Conrad and the opal.
22:48I just figured that I'm still young and not quite ready for full-time love.
23:09Especially not at the expense of full-time magic.
23:15AVAILABLE NOW