Episode 9 of Series 1 (titled The Triple Agent). In this episode, Conrad thinks that there is something strange about Bruce and sets about capturing him to find out just exactly what it is.
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Fletcher Humphrys, Mark Mitchell and Monica Maughan.
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Fletcher Humphrys, Mark Mitchell and Monica Maughan.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I've served a lot of masters throughout history, now I want to go back home where I can be
00:12free.
00:13Then you come along with the opal in your hand, now your every wish is my command.
00:21That's right.
00:23Genie, genie, from down under, make my wish come true.
00:30Dream on.
00:31Genie, genie, from down under, I wish you'd do what I want you to.
00:38Ah, yeah, all right.
00:40Genie from down under.
00:43Dad, we're free!
00:53Get it to cripple.
00:57Maybe if I twist it.
01:01Don't drown.
01:02I mean, it's been a drought for a while now.
01:08All that dam over there, it's not got much pressure.
01:20Can't he see that mummy's just being nice to him?
01:25I wish he'd just leave her alone.
01:29I'll just go to the dam and check the pressure.
01:40If only I had a half-decent genie, I wouldn't be stuck out here lying low.
01:47His one redeeming quality is that he's mine, which is more than I can say for Conrad.
01:52Not that I care, anyway.
01:54He's hurt me too many times.
01:56It's all over.
01:59Well, it never really got started, but it's over anyway.
02:03He's a thing of the past.
02:12What are we doing?
02:13We're spying, Baz, remember?
02:16Spying? Yeah, I can do that.
02:18Shh, keep your voice down low.
02:21I can do that.
02:28Come on, you pack of pikers.
02:31Look, I am in charge.
02:34If you don't get out of the bus right now and start enjoying your holiday,
02:37I will personally come in there and throttle the lot of you.
02:40The whole point of this tour is to get you out into the wide open spaces.
02:44We're agoraphobic.
02:45You know, we're afraid of wide open spaces.
02:48Just help me get agro myself.
02:50I warn you, I am not a violent man.
02:53If you're agoraphobic, you'll have to be very gentle with them.
02:56I am being gentle!
02:57Their leadership studied psychology at Oxford.
03:00Try not to draw attention to their condition.
03:03Just because they're loonies doesn't mean I'm going to treat them any different to anyone else.
03:14I can't hear you.
03:29Yes?
03:30Can we talk?
03:31Yes, can we?
03:32It's very important.
03:36It's so weird, I don't know how to say this.
03:39Well, I have noticed you spying around the place.
03:42There's a good reason for that and I've been thinking about everything
03:44and well, I think you know what I'm talking about.
03:46Well, of course I do.
03:48But maybe you should tell me anyway.
03:50Well, I want to.
03:51Yes?
03:52No, you'll just think I'm stupid.
03:53Oh, no, I won't. I promise.
03:55Go on.
03:56It's about Bruce.
03:58Bruce?
03:59Yeah, he's not normal.
04:00What?
04:01Think about it.
04:02Have you ever seen him eat, drink, bathe or even attend to any human bodily function?
04:06Well, no.
04:07But I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation.
04:11It escapes me right now.
04:12I reckon he's either a ghost, alien warlock or some sort of human or robot like a Terminator.
04:19Right.
04:20Well, he's not normal, is he?
04:21Bruce is normal in his own twisted way.
04:24In fact, he's so normal, he's common and so common it's scary.
04:28There's something about Bruce that just doesn't gel and I'm going to work out what is the last thing I do.
04:32Will you help me or not?
04:34Well, of course I will.
04:37It's going to be very tricky.
04:40I've got Baz watching him right now.
04:42You've got Baz following his own father?
04:44Yeah, he thinks it's a game.
04:47I've got a feeling he'll be able to give me some valuable inside information.
04:52Oh, yes.
05:02All right!
05:03If you don't want to die, you'll come off the bus in an orderly manner.
05:08We can't do it.
05:09There's just too much room out there.
05:11We've got six tents and they're not very big.
05:13If you just get off the bus and move into these tents,
05:16it'll be one small step for man but one huge step for agoraphobics.
05:21Okay.
05:23Okay.
05:24Let's do it.
05:25Team.
05:38Ah!
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07:07Yes, I suppose so.
07:23Just let me do the talking.
07:25Mossy, we're really worried about Bruce.
07:28We've never seen him eat.
07:30Of course not, he doesn't eat with us.
07:33It's sad, Mossy, but Conrad has been watching him closely
07:35and he thinks that he never eats.
07:37So we're worried that he may be suffering from anorexia nervosa.
07:42He looks very strong for someone who's starving.
07:44Perhaps he's living in shame because he's living a lie.
07:47I mean, sure, he looks healthy enough,
07:49but maybe it's just a cover-up.
07:55How are we going to feel when he collapses and dies of starvation,
07:59leaving poor Baz a homeless wife?
08:03You could make him a shepherd's pie.
08:05You could be saving his life.
08:07But genies don't eat.
08:09Yeah, that's right, genies don't eat.
08:11That's why they don't...
08:12Yes, I know what you do and what you don't do,
08:15but everyone's being invited to lunch
08:17and if you don't eat, then Conrad's going to be suspicious.
08:20So you have to make it look as if you're eating.
08:23But if I...
08:24And that's a wish.
08:26Shepherd's pie, my favourite.
08:29I can't get enough of it.
08:33Arachnophobia.
08:35Arachnophobia.
08:37Oh, thank you.
08:39With people who are suffering from any sort of phobia,
08:43it's best not to talk about it all the time.
08:46Don't make them feel abnormal.
08:48Bruce is an extra-large beast for you.
08:53Bruce is an extra-large beast for you.
08:56I won't have anyone suffering from nervous anorexia around here.
08:59Mossy.
09:00Not that you don't look normal.
09:03Thank you, Mossy.
09:05Shepherd's pie.
09:07My favourite too.
09:12Get into it.
09:23Hey, Trish, what did you get
09:25where the crocodiles went with the kangaroos?
09:28I don't know.
09:29Great big holes all over Australia.
09:36More pie, Bruce.
09:38Thank you.
09:39But...
09:41Aren't you eating, Conrad?
09:43Of course I am.
09:44More for you, Baz.
09:46Yes, please.
09:48I didn't see you eat that pie.
09:52I haven't eaten that pie.
09:53No, the pie before.
09:54You are.
09:55I didn't know you were watching.
09:57See, that's why.
09:59Well, that's why you can see it then.
10:01More pie for you, my lady.
10:03No, really, Mossy.
10:05I've had more than an adequate sufficiency.
10:07Oh, no thanks.
10:08I'm full as a gook.
10:09My goodness.
10:11I don't know where you put it.
10:13You must have hollow legs.
10:15Thank you.
10:16Whoa, what's that?
10:18What is it, huh?
10:20What is it?
10:21Gross.
10:22Gross.
10:23Thank you.
10:25That was delicious, Miss Mossop.
10:27I'm really full.
10:29Yeah, but I didn't actually see you eat anything.
10:31Well, you've been so busy not actually watching me eat,
10:34I haven't actually seen you eat anything.
10:36I know what you're up to.
10:38You're trying to make me look silly, aren't you?
10:42Oh, I'm sorry.
10:43I insist on cleaning you up.
10:45Thank you.
10:46I can wash myself.
10:48No, but I insist.
10:50No, thank you for your encouragement and support.
10:52I can wash myself.
10:54May I go with you?
10:56To the bathroom?
11:00I normally go alone.
11:02Oh, I'm sorry.
11:04I'm sorry.
11:06I'm sorry.
11:08I'm sorry.
11:11But will you be using actual water?
11:14I'll make that decision when the time comes.
11:19This is very interesting.
11:21When I was studying psychology,
11:23we would meet people with profound psychiatric disorders
11:27and then diagnose them.
11:29More pie, anyone?
11:33I am as full as a fat girl's sock.
11:35I reckon I could go one more for the road.
11:38Oh, look at you.
11:42I don't understand what's getting into you, comrade.
11:45Are you losing it?
11:47How is acting insane going to get us the opal?
11:49Just listen to me, all right?
11:51I wanted something much bigger than the opal.
11:53What?
11:54I can't tell you.
12:00Look, comrade.
12:01He ate the pie and then...
12:03His plate was empty, but I didn't see him eat any pie.
12:07He's just too tricky.
12:11I'm thinking flowers here.
12:13Perhaps a peach tree over there.
12:15Oh, garlic.
12:17Oh, yes.
12:18Am I putting vegetables out the back?
12:20Scared of garlic, huh?
12:22No, I'm not scared exactly.
12:24It just gives me gas.
12:30Feel so stupid.
12:32Of course he's not a vampire.
12:34He wouldn't be out in the sun if he was a vampire.
12:37Of course.
12:43And now for your enjoyment,
12:45we have scheduled the bush barbecue experience.
12:53So would you please step outside?
12:57It's called a bush barbecue because it happens in the bush.
13:00It does not happen in a tent.
13:03Can't you just pass us the food?
13:06Can't you just pass us the food inside the tent?
13:08Would you also like to do the bush hikes,
13:10the mountain climbing and the canoeing inside the tent?
13:14Could we?
13:22Shall we get the barbie in the tent?
13:36Psst.
13:38What are you doing?
13:40I'm a double agent.
13:42Do you know what's even better than being a double agent?
13:44What?
13:46A triple agent.
13:48Wow, a triple agent.
13:50I can do that.
13:52You keep spying on Conrad and your dad,
13:54but you're really working for me.
13:56Right.
13:58Now listen carefully.
14:00Conrad has gone over to the dam
14:02to try and catch your dad doing something weird.
14:04Your mission is to get there first and warn him.
14:06No genie stuff.
14:08No magic.
14:10Just act normal, show up in film
14:12and don't disappear.
14:14No genie stuff.
14:16No magic.
14:18Act normal and disappear on film.
14:20She said that?
14:22Yeah.
14:24Don't tell anyone.
14:26But now I'm a triple agent.
14:28Now if he's a ghost he won't show up on film.
14:30So I'll just...
14:33Bruce!
14:35You're mine, pal!
14:41You see? He's way too light on his feet.
14:43Not even a footprint.
14:45Oh!
14:47Oh!
14:49Conrad, why don't you really give us a break?
14:51It's getting to me.
14:53You. You're stressed out.
14:55Obsessed.
14:57Of course I am. If Bruce is what I think he might be,
14:59we're on the brink of...
15:02Bruce!
15:04Conrad has just got a new camera
15:06and he was wondering whether he might
15:08take some candid shots of you both.
15:10Just make sure you show up in all the photos.
15:12And that's a wish.
15:14No worries, Pen.
15:16Go for your life, Conrad.
15:18I think this is my best profile.
15:24OK, do it.
15:26Let her rip.
15:28I now declare this irrigation system
15:30open!
15:32Ah! Conrad!
15:34Oh!
15:44I wish you'd turned the water down a bit.
15:46No worries, Pen.
15:53Oh, yes.
15:55This irrigation system's going to work.
15:57Big smile.
16:00Beautiful.
16:13He's in every single photo.
16:15He's even in the ones he wasn't in.
16:20Look, he's even in the ones I took at Christmas
16:22at Surfers Paradise.
16:24Did Bruce go away with you at Christmas?
16:26No, that's what I'm saying.
16:30Flower on the floor.
16:32Check.
16:34Camera's ready.
16:36Check.
16:38OK, Bruce.
16:40If you're a ghost, you will not leave any footprints.
16:42Right.
16:44Ready for you.
16:46Here he comes.
16:52What's going on, Pen?
16:54You dusting for Prince?
16:56Mm-hmm.
16:59Just make sure you leave footprints
17:01or else I'll make you suffer.
17:03Understood.
17:11Come on!
17:13It's in here!
17:15Ah!
17:22Danny's first on the ride.
17:24It's quite small. I think you'll like it.
17:29Don't be scared.
17:31It's just Flower.
17:33I'm not really a ghost.
17:35What's going on here?
17:37He's making fun of me.
17:39And disobeying me.
17:41What?
17:43Did I say disobeying?
17:45I meant dismaying me.
17:47I don't get it with you.
17:49You follow me everywhere.
17:51You want to wash with me.
17:53Take my photo.
17:55Now you cover me in Flower.
17:58You don't think I'm a loaf of bread, do you?
18:03Thank you.
18:05But...
18:07I know I've got a magnetic personality, but...
18:09OK, OK, so you're not a cyborg,
18:11you're not a ghost, but I know you're something.
18:13And I'm onto your insane act of being normal.
18:17What do you think, Di?
18:19Well, of course, he's completely normal.
18:21But it certainly is very interesting.
18:23How can you never eat, drink, bathe, blow your nose
18:25or otherwise tend to bodily functions?
18:27He's very nervous about your personal hygiene, Benny.
18:31Listen, Conrad, if you'd like to,
18:33I'd be more than happy to...
18:35You think you're so smart, don't you?
18:37But I'm onto you, boy, you pseudo non-human.
18:39I'm not giving up until I find your secret.
18:41And when I do, I'm going to expose you for what you are.
18:45You want to play hardball? Fine.
18:47Two can play at that game.
18:53Uncle?
18:56Crocodile Otto?
18:58We're finished in here.
19:00We'd like to go back to our tent.
19:02Now, please.
19:06What are we going to do?
19:08This is top secret, Baz.
19:10We're going to perform a codex.
19:12Codex.
19:14Wow.
19:20Phone's charged.
19:22You ready, Baz? Yeah.
19:26MUSIC PLAYS
19:36Ah!
19:44PHONE RINGS
19:51Where are... What's going on?
19:53Just keep reassuring him that he's normal.
19:56It's all right, Conrad, we understand.
19:58We all understand. It's perfectly normal.
20:00Where are they?
20:02What are they doing out there?
20:04Oh, Bruce, don't panic.
20:06We'll save your little boy.
20:10I can't explain. I don't know what happened.
20:12This apparition came out of nowhere and picked us up
20:14and took us all the way out here.
20:16Is Bruce there? Good, good.
20:18Tell me if you've got to send help or otherwise
20:20we're going to be eaten by all these wild, wild animals.
20:22Help! Save me! I'm scared!
20:24The pigs are coming!
20:26Yes, wild pigs, hungry, savage boars,
20:28all these tusks...
20:30And a big crocodile!
20:32Yes, and this big...
20:34Look, never mind. Tell him he's the only one that can save us now.
20:36Oh, no! They're attacking!
20:38Ah!
20:40Ah!
20:44This is it, Baz.
20:46The ultimate test.
20:48We're at least half an hour by car from the house.
20:50And if your father comes to pick you up,
20:53and tells you he's a terrible dad,
20:55then I'll know.
20:57Then I'll have proof that he's not.
20:59Hi, Dad!
21:01G'day, son.
21:03Where's the killer pigs?
21:05How did you get in?
21:07Hey, Conrad, watch this!
21:09Geronimo!
21:13Oh, no.
21:15I'm sorry.
21:17It was just a bit of a joke.
21:19Hey, Conrad!
21:22Ah!
21:24Look out, son!
21:26Whee!
21:32Come on, Otto, get in the bus. We're ready to go.
21:34Come on, we've got to help them.
21:36We've got to find those kids.
21:38Let's do it.
21:40Hey, wait for us!
21:42Hang on, Otto.
21:44I'm not going anywhere.
21:46Get in the bus.
21:48Hurry up.
21:50Barry, where are you going?
21:52We want to help find those kids, too.
21:54Are you sure?
21:56It'll get spacious out there.
21:58What if you come and get us?
22:00Shut that door!
22:02Conrad!
22:06Conrad!
22:08Are you here?
22:10I'm sure they're here somewhere.
22:12Conrad!
22:14It's all right. I'm not scared.
22:17It's all right. I'm not scared.
22:19There's no space over here.
22:21There's no space over here.
22:23Come on, Barry.
22:33Barry, why don't you have a look over there?
22:35Right.
22:37Conrad!
22:39Conrad, can you hear us?
22:41Answer us!
22:43It's all right.
22:46It's all right.
22:48Hey!
22:50There they are! They're over there!
22:52They're over here!
22:58Bess!
23:00Hey, Bess!
23:02You all right?
23:04Conrad, what's going on?
23:06It's Bruce. He's a rock.
23:08I mean, a boulder. I swear it.
23:10It's not always abnormal
23:12to think that someone's a rock.
23:14But when you say boulder,
23:16what exactly do you mean?
23:20Where we at?
23:22We're outside!
23:40I must admit,
23:43I do feel a little bit sorry for Conrad.
23:45But it just goes to prove
23:47that obsession can be dangerous.
23:49Of course, he's right.
23:51There is something very strange about Bruce.
23:55Perhaps there's something strange about everyone.
23:57There's so much happening in the universe
23:59that we'll never understand.
24:01We just have to accept that.
24:03Or else we end up like Conrad,
24:05who can't tell the difference
24:07between a rock and a person.
24:13I'm the Genie.
24:15You're the Master.
24:17That's right.
24:19I'm the Master.
24:21You're my Genie.
24:23You belong to me.
24:25Yes!
24:27I've served a lot of Masters.
24:29I'm the Master.
24:31You're the Master.
24:33I'm the Master.
24:35You're my Genie.
24:37You belong to me.
24:39Yes!
24:42I've served a lot of Masters
24:44throughout history.
24:46Now I want to go back home
24:48where I can be free.
24:50Then you come along
24:52with the opal in your hand.
24:54Now your every wish
24:56is my command.
24:58Yes, that's right.
25:00Genie, Genie,
25:02from down under,
25:04make my wish come true.
25:06Dream on.
25:08Genie, Genie,
25:10from down under,
25:12I wish you'd do what I want you to.
25:14Ah, yeah, alright then.
25:20Genie from down under.