Episode 8 from Series 1, titled Nobody's Perfect. In this episode, Penelope is fed up of Bruce misinterpreting her wishes, so writes down word for word her perfect wish. Marcia is made ugly, Penelope is made perfect and the family are made rich. However, the genies have a trick up their sleeve...
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Emily Milburn and Monica Maughan
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Emily Milburn and Monica Maughan
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I've served a lot of masters throughout history, now I want to go back home where I can be
00:12free.
00:13Then you come along with the opal in your hand, now your every wish is my command.
00:22Genie, genie, from down under, make my wish come true.
00:31Genie, genie, from down under, I wish you'd do what I want you to.
00:39Genie from down under.
00:52Don't even ask me how I am.
00:57I'm hot and disgustingly sticky.
01:00I'm blistered all over from sunburn and covered in nasty mosquito bites and flies.
01:09So why am I still smiling?
01:11I'm glad you asked.
01:13I've just finished my master plan, the perfect wish.
01:19I've learned my lesson.
01:21No more sloppy spur-of-the-moment wishes for me.
01:24I have finally perfected the art of wishing.
01:39Bruce!
01:41Could you come here, please?
01:43I've got you now.
01:45I've got you exactly where I want you.
01:47No more twisting my wishes or tripping me up and making me look like a fool.
01:55What are you doing here?
01:56You robbed the opal.
01:57And here we are.
01:59Yes, here you are.
02:01And this is my next wish.
02:04It's all laid out for you in black and white so you won't accidentally misinterpret my intention.
02:09No more twisting my wishes.
02:11Your little day is done.
02:15I want you to read that document.
02:17That's my wish.
02:18I want you to read it and weep.
02:21Fair enough, Pen.
02:22Your every wish is our command.
02:41It's brilliant.
02:43I've got to hand it to you, Pen.
02:45It's perfect.
02:47Yes, I know.
02:49From 6 p.m. tonight, 9 a.m., dear old English times,
02:52I shall be the perfect Penelope with the perfect life.
02:58Let me get this straight.
03:01Basically...
03:05Basically, you want to go back to England.
03:08You want Mother to be happy.
03:10You want your mother to be rich.
03:11You want to be beautiful.
03:12You want Marsha's hair.
03:13You want us to get a job there.
03:16And you want Otto and Conrad to explore their feminine side.
03:20When you say you want Marsha to be ugly, exactly how ugly do you mean?
03:25Well, I could make her so ugly that people would throw up whenever they look at her.
03:32Yes.
03:33Why don't you surprise me?
03:36I think I know what you want.
03:37Are you ready?
03:38Not so fast.
03:41Chapter one.
03:43The return to town tour.
03:45I wish to return to town tour, wheelchair, in present-day England,
03:49in comfort and by legal means...
03:57Well, here we are back in England.
04:02Comfortable?
04:04Yes, thank you.
04:11Come on.
04:15They're gone.
04:16Back's locked up.
04:18Otto, you can stop knocking.
04:20They must have gone back to England.
04:25Well, they are, Opal.
04:33There, there, mate.
04:34Let's take it like men, huh?
04:37There, there, mate.
04:38Let's take it like men, huh?
04:44I owe them for me.
04:48I'm so glad.
04:49I've got so much to do, do, do.
04:51I've got so much to do, do, do.
04:52Hello, Molly.
04:53I'm so happy to be back.
04:54Oh, Miss Priscilla.
04:55I've just cleaned the kitchen and three of the bathrooms and six bedrooms.
05:00There's so much cleaning to be done.
05:02I'm just so happy.
05:03Oh, my lady.
05:04I'm so glad.
05:05I've got so much to do, do, do.
05:07Never too bad.
05:08I'll never be poor.
05:09I've got so much to do, do, do.
05:11That's four mil at ten percent.
05:13Sorry, Akira.
05:14Take it or leave it.
05:15The bank needs the cash more than I need the interest.
05:18Oh, no, my darling.
05:20Sorry, Akira.
05:21Not you.
05:22OK?
05:23Till five.
05:25Our time.
05:28Yes!
05:31Oh, Molly, I'm so very proud of you.
05:33You're so very rich.
05:35I adore you, too, darling.
05:37Now, study these brochures.
05:39I want to buy you a Pacific Island for your birthday.
05:42Thank you.
05:43Oh, you're the best, most perfect mummy in the whole universe.
05:48And you're the perfect daughter.
05:53Look at that.
05:55It's beautiful.
05:57It's so beautiful.
05:59I must compliment you, Bruce.
06:01Marcia's hair looks much better on me.
06:04How is Marcia?
06:06Oh, it's very sad, really.
06:08She's become a recluse.
06:10Apparently, she was offered a job at the zoo as an exhibit,
06:13but she turned it down.
06:17Oh, Marcia, she's been through so much already.
06:19Please, don't lie.
06:21Really?
06:22What do you take me for?
06:24I haven't come here just to gloat.
06:27Hello, Lady Huntley.
06:29I've come to see Marcia.
06:31Oh, that's so sweet of you, Lady Huntley.
06:34Oh, Marcia, she hasn't had a single visitor since...
06:38Since...
06:40Since...
06:41Oh, I still can't believe it.
06:43Marcia was so beautiful, with hair just like yours,
06:47and now she's...
06:49She's... Oh, it's just terrible.
06:51This just couldn't happen to a nicer person.
06:54I mean, Marcia was so...
06:57And now she's...
06:59Is she really gross or just sort of ugly?
07:13Marcia?
07:15There's someone here to see you.
07:17A friend.
07:19Mother, please, I want to be alone.
07:21I'm sorry, darling.
07:23I was so excited by the fact that you had a visitor.
07:27Please, try not to stare or laugh or scream.
07:33Of course.
07:46Lovely to see you, Marcia.
07:48Aren't you hot in that hat?
07:50Stay back. I understand.
07:52You feel sensitive about your looks.
07:54I, too, feel sensitive about your looks.
07:57But looks aren't everything.
07:59And I should know now that I have them.
08:02It's the person inside that...
08:04What do you want?
08:05Counts.
08:07I want you to know that I'm here for you, Marcia.
08:11However gross and repulsive you may now be,
08:15I'll still be your friend.
08:17Now, why don't you take off that hat?
08:20You'll be my friend no matter what,
08:22even though you're so perfect in every way.
08:25And I'm so, so, so...
08:31What are you doing here?
08:33Well, I live here.
08:34Won't say if she's really gross.
08:36I came to watch you gloat.
08:38Oh, how sick can you get?
08:40Oh!
08:41Oh, no, no, no, not you, Marcia.
08:43I'm your friend now. You can trust me.
08:46Take off your hat, please.
08:48Promise you won't laugh?
08:50I promise I won't flinch or flicker an eyelid,
08:53no matter how hideous.
08:55I mean, unusual, look.
08:58My hair, it's not the same any more.
09:01It's all right, Marcia, I understand.
09:04I won't laugh, I promise.
09:06It's in my face.
09:08Please, Marcia, I do wish you'd take off that hat.
09:21Oh!
09:27She looks like something from another planet.
09:29Oh, Brooks, you've really done very well.
09:31The nose was mighty.
09:33That was very cruel.
09:35I'll change her back when I'm ready.
09:38Anyway, I didn't visit Marcia just to rub in how ugly she is.
09:41Oh, no, I'm above that.
09:43I had a noble motive as well.
09:46Now that my life is so perfect,
09:48I wanted to share it with her
09:50and bring a ray of sunshine into the miserable gloom of her hideous existence.
09:54In fact, I wish the whole world could find out how perfect my life is.
10:00Your every wish is our command.
10:02Now, I think it's time you two found a job somewhere out in the world.
10:06But I don't have any qualifications.
10:08Well, I'm sure you'll find a position somewhere, and that's a wish.
10:11If I need you, I'll just rub you full.
10:14See you around, then.
10:15Bye, Ben.
10:16Bye-bye.
10:24You're never going to fall for this.
10:26You've got a better idea.
10:28We'd better get that apple off the nubbly.
10:31Then how come you got to wear the black vinyl?
10:34Black's my favourite colour.
10:36Besides, it sets off me eyes a treat.
10:39Hello.
10:40G'day.
10:41Hello.
10:42We made a booking for bed and breakfast a couple of months ago.
10:46I'm happy to say we don't take paying guests anymore.
10:50Oh, go on.
10:51I mean, just overnight, just one night.
10:53Please, we've got nowhere else to go.
10:56Oh, all right.
10:58I do love surprise guests.
11:00The thrill of having to organise the guest room without any warning.
11:04The sheer joy of having to revise my dinner plans on the spot.
11:12Oh, Miss Penelope!
11:14Miss Penelope, the people have arrived!
11:17How wonderful!
11:18Welcome, welcome, welcome!
11:20Please come inside now.
11:22Get some shots from around the grounds.
11:24I'll check out what's happening inside.
11:26Hello, Miss Penelope Doris Knight.
11:28I can't tell you how thrilled I am.
11:30We really want to show the world just how perfect your life is.
11:34I think it'll be a great inspiration to a lot of people.
11:37Well, I certainly hope so.
11:39We're calling the story The First Perfect Person.
11:42Oh, great, here they are.
11:44All our guests, please come in.
11:46We've just signed up two new presenters.
11:48They are fantastic, totally natural.
11:50They've got that real star quality.
11:52You'll love them.
11:53They just appeared in my office one day out of nowhere.
11:55Oh, welcome, welcome, welcome!
11:59Bruce, Baz, great to see you!
12:02Come and meet your first guest,
12:04the most perfectionist of herself, Penelope Towns.
12:07Penelope, meet Bruce and Baz, the stars of our show.
12:19She's always wearing the opal. We'll never get it off her.
12:22We might as well go back to Australia.
12:24Come on, Conrad, we've just arrived. Give it a chance.
12:27We're not leaving here without that opal. It belongs to us.
12:31Gee, that red nail polish is cooking.
12:34Thanks.
12:38I see you coming down the stairs.
12:40Big entrance, OK?
12:41Oh, yes, yes, yes!
12:43Beautiful idea.
12:44Oh, yes, yes, yes!
12:46I'm so happy to be here.
12:48Yes, I've been cleaning. I'm so happy to clean.
12:51And now I'll go out and do another interview.
12:53So this is something really robust.
12:55I'm so happy...
12:56Coming down here, this side, yes.
12:59Right, coming this side.
13:01So if we could just...
13:02Oh, my Lord, please...
13:05I don't want to hear that, all right? I just want it done, OK?
13:08Make it happen, thanks.
13:11Right, we'll start in here with Mossie.
13:13All right, get Mossie in there.
13:17Oh, yes, since she was a baby.
13:19Always an angel.
13:21Even when everyone else hated her.
13:23Even when she had no friends at school.
13:25Bad breath, acne.
13:27I still loved her.
13:29That's great, Mossie. I haven't found you like to see.
13:31Oh, yes.
13:35Then we come in here for a shot of the loving mother.
13:38You know, perfect daughter, perfect mother.
13:40Look, I'm sorry, but time is money.
13:43And I'm worth 4,000 a second,
13:45so I don't have time to waste on some cheap, corny TV show.
13:49You know what that is?
13:50Mummy, you're my mother.
13:51I need your motherly support.
13:52You can't run an unconditional love show
13:54how pervy my life is.
13:55Do you have to make such a moan and speech as heredity?
13:59Time is money.
14:02How about we just duck in here for a quick shot of you at work?
14:04That way you won't waste any time
14:05and we still get the feeling that you have some interest in Penelope.
14:08Two minutes tops.
14:09Do I know you?
14:11Well, if you don't know him now, darling, you soon will.
14:14This show is going to be real, and it's going to be big.
14:28I like it.
14:29We'll interview you and the best friend in here.
14:31No worries, Dorrie.
14:34So, you and Penelope, you're very close, are you?
14:39Oh, yes, she's my best friend.
14:41Actually, she's the only friend I've got.
14:43And now that I'm so, so grotesque.
14:47Penelope means a lot to me.
14:49She's so kind and giving and...
14:52kind and giving.
14:54Intelligent and beautiful.
14:56Yeah, great, save it for the camera, okay?
14:58So what do you think, Bruce, Baz, you ready?
15:00Let's shoot it, babe.
15:01It's getting dry, babe.
15:18I can't take off my hat.
15:20Well, you look like a beekeeper.
15:22I wish we had time to touch up these black roots.
15:25What black roots?
15:27Are you suggesting I'm a bottom redhead?
15:29Are you suggesting you're not?
15:35I wish I had hair like yours.
15:37Now, now, Marcin.
15:39Envy's very ugly in one so young.
15:44Can we please have your autograph?
15:49Of course.
16:00And how Marcia, in fact...
16:02Okay, people, standing by...
16:09Tell us who.
16:11Bruce, Baz, I've seen Mossie on the phone.
16:13It's real, I like it, let's do it.
16:22Okay, everybody, quiet, please.
16:30And action.
16:34No-one knows Penelope better than Missy Mossop.
16:37She's not a perfect Penelope since she was a perfect baby.
16:40Missy Mossop is, in fact, the Rock,
16:43the same dependable backbone of Penelope's perfect family.
16:47Thank you, goodbye.
16:49Good news, Mossie?
16:51Oh, yes, my Aunt Amy,
16:53who brought me up since I was five years old,
16:56has just jumped out of an aeroplane
16:59and her parachute didn't open.
17:03She was like the mother I never had.
17:11She's hysterical.
17:14I like it, it's real.
17:16Goodbye, that one.
17:18I thought she was glaring at you.
17:21The question is, how did Penelope Towns get to be so perfect?
17:25Let's go and ask her mum, Lady Diana Towns.
17:28No matter how rich and exquisitely beautiful she is,
17:30she is, first and foremost, the perfect mother,
17:32loving and kind not only to Penelope,
17:34but to everyone who crosses her path.
17:36How about a word of wisdom from the perfect mother?
17:39Don't have children, they'll bleed you dry.
17:44I like it, it's real. Let's move on.
17:50She couldn't even get such a surprise.
17:55Lady Diana is so beautiful.
17:57Oh, yeah, isn't she, though?
17:59Just like her daughter.
18:00Oh, yeah. Penelope has perfect skin.
18:03I've killed for skin like that.
18:05It's a pity about that apple, though, isn't it?
18:07I mean, it makes her complexion a bit quite pasty and scanty-looking.
18:11You think so?
18:12Uh-uh.
18:13Isn't the glare a bit too much for the camera?
18:16Excuse me.
18:18The glare, love. It's too much for the cameras.
18:21OK, we're ready for you now.
18:26I have been waiting here for 20 seconds.
18:28What is going on?
18:29Sorry, sorry. Quiet, please! Everybody, everybody!
18:33Now, Marcia, if we can get the real tears happening,
18:36I'll really make it worth your while.
18:38You want genuine emotion, you know, it's got to be real.
18:41So, you want some onion juice or something?
18:43I'll be fine.
18:45I think we've got a new master.
18:47Yeah.
18:50Any final checks?
18:52She's so beautiful, so prolific.
18:54There's nothing for me to do.
18:57It must be frustrating for an artist such as yourself.
19:00Oh, yeah.
19:02OK, come on, everyone, let's go.
19:05I mean, I like me job.
19:07I just wish, you know, she had a few problems.
19:11Give me a challenge so I could be useful.
19:14Did that sound like a wish to you?
19:16I think so.
19:20OK, um...
19:22Action!
19:37Now, that's what I call a challenge.
19:40Let's go with it. I like it.
19:42It's really real. OK, boys, action!
19:45Everyone's heard of perfect Penelope and her perfect life.
19:50She is the modern Miss Who's Got It All.
19:53Everyone's been trying to copy that Penelope look.
19:57Even when her friend Marcia was hideously deformed,
20:00the only friend to stand by her was Penelope.
20:03How can someone be that perfect?
20:05Let's go and ask perfect Penelope how she does it.
20:09Um...
20:10Marcia, perhaps you can tell us why Penelope is so perfect.
20:14Well, what I love about Penelope
20:16is that she's the one person in the world who makes me feel...attractive.
20:25Give me that open mind!
20:27Oh, that's nice of you, crazy psycho!
20:30Let go of her!
20:32It's real, I love it!
20:36Give me that!
20:52Get your hands off me!
20:53Are you really sick?
20:55I like it, it feels very good.
21:00I don't like it!
21:05I don't like it!
21:27That was scary.
21:31Drink water.
21:36Penelope!
21:39So there it is, Penelope's perfect life.
21:42Some people have all the luck.
21:49Take it away, Mossy.
21:5740 years I've been with this family,
22:00I'm so happy working for Penelope,
22:02just to see your smile makes it all worthwhile.
22:10There are no words black enough to express how I feel.
22:13Oh, look on the bright side, Pen.
22:15You're world famous now.
22:17That show is being rerun around the world due to popular demand.
22:22Depressed nations are showing it to their people to cheer them up.
22:29I wish you'd reverse the perfect wish.
22:31Every last bit of it.
22:34Well, it's a very complex wish.
22:37It won't be easy to undo.
22:39It could take days.
22:57But that wasn't the worst of it.
23:00Mummy got too rich and was charged with insider trading.
23:03Mossy got too happy and many of my cooks took her away for arrest.
23:07They'll be joining me here to lie low when they're released.
23:11But I've learnt a valuable lesson from all this.
23:14One that I'll never forget, and I want to pass it on to you,
23:17to save you the heartbreak I've been through.
23:20Always remember, no matter how perfectly you've prepared your wish,
23:24you must never, ever trust your genie.
23:31I'm the genie, you're the master.
23:33That's right. I'm the master, you're my genie.
23:37You belong to me. Yes!
23:39I've served a lot of masters throughout history.
23:43Now I want to go back home where I can be free.
23:48Then you come along with the opal in your hand.
23:52Now your every wish is my command.
23:57Now your every wish is my command.
24:01That's right.
24:02Genie, genie from down under.
24:06Make my wish come true.
24:09Scream on.
24:11Genie, genie from down under.
24:15I wish you'd do what I want you to.
24:18Ah yeah, all right then.
24:20Genie from down under.