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AmusantTranscription
00:00Hey, hey, hey, quit the monkey business back there. We're going to Washington D.C., not the zoo.
00:05Although there is a zoo there where considerable monkey business takes place.
00:08And it's called the Senate.
00:09Who's doing satire back there? Did Doonesbury get on the bus?
00:12Are we driving to Bloom County? And this is not an editorial cartoon.
00:15And take off that shirt!
00:17Well, I for one am excited for this field trip to Washington D.C.
00:21I even purchased the Mature Lesbians Guide to D.C. at Home Depot.
00:24Yes, I think I will take my lover on a stroll through the botanical gardens at dusk
00:28and then make fun of the Washington Monument.
00:30No service for 30 miles. Well, this would be a bad place for a bus to...
00:39Oh, no! This bus is overheating!
00:41Well, this is totally unplanned. I say without a hint of suspicion.
00:44Now, all teachers, please exit. I'm going to need you to track down water.
00:51Sue's ditching us!
00:52No, no, stop! Rosie, take her!
00:55I guess I should have told you, but Sue isn't actually going to Washington for a field trip.
00:59You guys want to know what Sue's really planning?
01:01You see, she's got a...
01:02He knows more than he's letting on.
01:03Formation Cobra!
01:05Maybe this'll make him talk!
01:07I never said I wouldn't talk.
01:08Sue's going to testify to a Senate panel about why Knobhaven is the worst high school in the country.
01:13But that's good. She can tell them why the school's so bad.
01:16We're overcrowded, underfunded...
01:18Actually, she's planning on blaming it all on the teachers.
01:20We're incompetent, unqualified, apathetic...
01:22We just phoned it in...
01:24Ah, who cares?
01:25All right, we need to get to D.C. before Sue so we can stop her from putting the blame on us.
01:29Stuart, when does Sue testify?
01:31Three o'clock tomorrow in the Capitol building. She's probably halfway to...
01:33She's coming back!
01:36Okay, this is embarrassing, but I'm going to need some money for gas.
01:41Yeah, yeah, okay, that was probably pushing it.
01:44So, we've got 24 hours to get to Washington, and the best way for us to beat Sue is for us to pair off.
01:48I choose...
01:49Uncle Larry, let's ride!
01:51I saved you from having me with one of the chicks.
01:53We're going to have fun.
01:54I'm going to try to give you onion gum.
01:55Oh, darn! I'm not supposed to say onion!
01:57Never mind, you'll forget.
01:58Forget what?
01:59I didn't say anything!
02:00Can my couple be three people? Me, Miracle, and Stuart?
02:03Nuh-uh! I get Miracle.
02:04There's no way a car's going to stop for me.
02:06Well, except out of curiosity.
02:07What do you say?
02:09Seriously, he's like 100!
02:11The guy's got one working kidney!
02:13Oh, it's working.
02:15It's just working against me.
02:21Ugly car!
02:22Let me try.
02:27Can I borrow your car for a few days?
02:29Absolutely.
02:30What's your name?
02:31My name is Stuart.
02:32And you?
02:33I'm Miracle.
02:34And you?
02:35I'm Stuart.
02:36Je peux t'emmener dans la voiture pour quelques jours ?
02:38Absolument !
02:39Allons-y, ma chérie !
02:40Réglez ça, cette femme attend !
02:41Est-ce que je peux stocker ton équipement de pêche dans la trottinette ?
02:42Oh non, c'est Helen !
02:44Hey, je prends mon équipement de pêche tous les jours !
02:48Quoi ? Ta mère sera encore morte demain ?
02:50Ces vêtements ne sont pas faits pour marcher.
02:52Attends, qu'est-ce qu'on a ici ?
02:54Je n'ai pas vu un de ces depuis que j'étais enfant.
02:57Je me demande si je me souviens de comment le déconnecter.
03:01Oh, là on y va !
03:02Descends !
03:03Oh, regarde !
03:04Il y a un interface iPod !
03:07Et ainsi commencent les fantastiques et implausibles aventures érotiques de Professeur Boulounis !
03:12Maître des nuages,
03:14Corresseur de Cumulus,
03:15Nuzzler de Nimbus !
03:16Le premier homme à masturber à une hauteur de 5 milles !
03:20Oh, si j'étais toi, l'Amérique, je porterais un chapeau !
03:24Salut, qu'est-ce que c'est ?
03:25Des nuages érotiques,
03:27des nuages asiatiques,
03:28des nuages de l'école catholique ?
03:30Oh, gros !
03:31Laisse-moi voir !
03:35Salut !
03:37Je sais que ça a l'air fou,
03:38mais on doit aller à DC avant que notre boss ne le fasse.
03:41Mais ça n'a pas l'air fou !
03:42Ce qui est fou, c'est que les nuages sont des vieilles coucoumbes !
03:45Même plus fou, c'est que je les appelle des nuages !
03:47Alors, si vous m'excusez,
03:48je dois aller dans les bois et allumer un nuage.
03:54Est-ce que tu penses ce que je pense ?
03:56J'y suis.
03:59Oui, tu ne pensais pas ce que j'y pensais.
04:00Pourquoi nous conduisons une voiture quand nous volons une voiture de course ?
04:02J'y suis.
04:03D'accord.
04:06Très bien, Larry, d'accord.
04:07Tu ne peux pas faire ça dans une voiture de course.
04:10Tu ne pensais pas ce que je pensais.
04:12Mais peu importe.
04:13On doit aller à Washington.
04:19Anish, qui dit qu'une course à DC
04:21ne peut pas être aussi agréable qu'une voiture de route ?
04:23J'étais aussi sceptique de cette voiture
04:24que de cette coucoumbe,
04:25mais on s'amuse.
04:27Je suis tellement fatigué !
04:28Et ton respiration grince.
04:29Voyons ce qu'il a dans son compartiment de porno.
04:31Un jackpot !
04:32Oh, c'est juste du poisson.
04:33Gris et plomb.
04:34Deux poissons, un verre.
04:36Jusqu'à la couture.
04:37Oh, c'est si dégueulasse.
04:39Je suis désolé, Larry.
04:40Je pense que j'ai toujours détesté les voitures de route.
04:42Depuis que j'étais enfant.
04:44Père,
04:45pouvons-nous prendre un soda ?
04:47Nous conduisons un cargo militaire
04:49dans le désert,
04:50et tu veux qu'on arrête pour un soda ?
04:51Tu penses qu'on arrête pour un soda
04:52à Hamburger Hill ?
04:53Pas du tout !
04:54Même si nous le voulions,
04:55parce que la mission a l'air tellement délicieuse.
04:57Peux-je prendre un soda
04:58quand je rejoins le militaire ?
04:59Tu pourras prendre une bouche de Bang Pao,
05:00qui est un soda vietnamien
05:01particulièrement délicieux.
05:02C'est aussi ce que nous appelons
05:03des herpes génitales et des high-fives.
05:05Bang Pao !
05:06Je ne sais pas, père.
05:07Le militaire a l'air assez effrayant.
05:09Qu'est-ce si je ne suis pas assez courageux ?
05:11Alors tu vas prendre
05:12un visage plein de Wap Bang,
05:13qui est un plat de poivre très épicé,
05:14et je vais te battre dans le visage avec ça !
05:16Alors mon père m'a donné un nom intelligente.
05:19Coward.
05:20Juste parce que ton père
05:21t'a nommé un coward
05:22ne te rend pas un coward.
05:23Tu sais quoi ?
05:24Vu que nous serons déjà au D.C.,
05:25allons passer par le Pentagone
05:26et tu peux montrer à ton père
05:27que tu n'es pas un coward.
05:28Ou mieux,
05:29on prend de l'ice-cream
05:30et tu me tiens pendant que je pleure.
05:32Tout est si facile pour toi.
05:34Comme ce qu'il t'a donné,
05:35cette voiture.
05:36Mais quand on arrive au Sénat,
05:37tu vas juste mettre tes beaux yeux
05:38et ils t'appelleront.
05:39Mais tu peux avoir
05:40ce que tu veux aussi, chérie.
05:41Tu veux savoir
05:42comment j'obtiens tout ce que j'obtiens ?
05:43En flirtant.
05:44Mais je ne sais pas comment flirter.
05:45Je veux dire, mon dernier date
05:46était un découpage de carton
05:47du logo Tivo.
05:48Oh, c'est facile.
05:49Le flirter, c'est la profession
05:50la plus ancienne du monde.
05:51Allez, fais-en un.
05:53Flirte !
05:54Prends ton flirte chaud !
05:55Ici !
05:56Flirte !
06:00C'était probablement
06:01juste une coïncidence.
06:07Oh, je suis rempli de liquide
06:09comme un fou de Kool-Aid.
06:10Je dois y aller.
06:11Oh, ouais.
06:12Attends une minute.
06:14Le soleil s'approche de nous.
06:16Non, on s'approche de ça.
06:18C'est dangereux.
06:19Nous devons perdre de l'altitude.
06:21Non, nous sommes trop léger.
06:23Si quelque chose laisse ce ballon,
06:24il va flotter dans le soleil.
06:25Si Mars ne nous reçoit pas d'abord...
06:27C'est logique.
06:29Tu veux dire...
06:30Oui, Happy.
06:31Si on pique,
06:32on meurt.
06:37Alors...
06:38Larry-Bear ?
06:39Je ne sais pas
06:40si nous aurons le temps
06:41de voir mon père au Pentagon.
06:42Je veux dire,
06:43entre tout ce qui s'est passé
06:44avec la cessation de Sue
06:45de témoigner et...
06:46Nous devrions vraiment
06:47aller voir
06:48l'écrivain du Smithsonian
06:49et ce qui s'est passé
06:50à l'inverse et tout.
06:51Mais putain,
06:52j'avais vraiment hâte
06:53de confronter mon père
06:54et de ne pas courir de lui.
06:55J'espère que tes rêves
06:56sont sucrés, Larry.
06:57Parce que quand tu te réveilles,
06:58tu vas être sucré.
06:59Comme ce Cocher Dill 2006.
07:05Willard,
07:06nous ferions du bien
07:07si vous et le cheval
07:08ne vous arrêtaiez pas
07:09chaque peu de temps
07:10pour manger du déchets.
07:11Attention !
07:12Retournez à l'eau.
07:13Oh !
07:14Oh !
07:15Hey !
07:16Ah !
07:17Bien,
07:18on dirait que tu as choisi
07:19la mauvaise ville
07:20pour t'amener
07:21une baguette.
07:22En particulier,
07:23colonial Williamsburg en 1741.
07:24C'est ce que nous faisons aujourd'hui ?
07:25Ça ressemble à mes pantalons
07:26de 1760 ?
07:27Ass-Wipe !
07:28Wow !
07:29Anachronisme !
07:30Désolé.
07:31Dieu !
07:32Nickers, ass-wipe.
07:33Comme punition,
07:34vous deux devriez
07:35nettoyer vos arrêts
07:36dans les champs.
07:37Comme des esclaves ?
07:38Non, nous n'utilisons
07:39ce terme plus.
07:40Nous préférons
07:41les Américains
07:42qui sont en train de se débaucher.
07:43Il se réveille.
07:44Vraiment ?
07:45C'était rapide !
07:46Regardez cet hôtel de croque ! C'est tellement D.C. !
07:49J'imagine qu'il y a des présidents et des redskins et peut-être même mon père !
07:54Père !
07:55Anis, mon fils.
07:58J'ai quelque chose à te dire, père. Quelque chose que je n'avais pas le nerf de dire jusqu'à ce jour.
08:02Tout d'abord, tu as toujours réussi à t'apparaitre remarquablement jeune.
08:05Deuxièmement, juste parce que je n'ai pas choisi d'entrer dans l'armée, ça ne fait pas que je suis un pauvre.
08:09Je suis fier de toi, fils. Je sais que tu n'es pas un pauvre. Le rendez-vous est à midi.
08:13Ok, c'est assez.
08:14Regarde, c'est maman ! Ria !
08:16Bonjour, monsieur, fils. C'était génial de te recevoir.
08:20Ah, maman ! Ria, tu m'embarrasses toujours.
08:23Je sais que ce n'est pas ta vraie famille.
08:25Anis, c'est ridicule. Demain, quand ton père te verra, il verra un homme courageux.
08:29Parce que d'une certaine façon, entre ici et à Washington, tu vas devenir courageux.
08:32Monsieur, il a grandi si vite.
08:35Je fais ta chambre prête maintenant. Juste comme tu l'aimes.
08:37Avec du cinémax pour seulement 15 dollars supplémentaires.
08:41Anis, la seule raison pour laquelle tu penses que tu es un pauvre, c'est parce que c'est ce que ton père t'a dit tous ces années.
08:46C'est le moment pour toi de devenir courageux.
08:48Ok, mon pote, faisons-le. Faisons un bébé courageux.
08:51C'est parfait. Je pense que je peux être courageux là-bas.
08:53Qu'est-ce que tu parles ? Tu ne peux pas être courageux à un festival de blueberries, Anis.
08:57C'est facile pour toi de le dire. Attends jusqu'à ce que tu sois là.
08:59Il peut y avoir un gars là-bas avec un couteau, probablement pour couper un pain.
09:01Mais qu'est-ce si il tombe ?
09:02Blood and blueberry juice mixing in the street.
09:05Tu sais qui aime les blueberries et le sang ? Les poissons.
09:07Non. En deuxième place, peut-être que le festival de blueberries n'est pas la meilleure idée.
09:10C'est pas la meilleure idée.
09:19Faites des blubberies avec le couteau.
09:21Ensuite, re-attachez le couteau aux plantes pour le four.
09:24Oui, peut-être que l'application Lightsaber vous permettra d'aller plus vite.
09:28Je ne savais jamais à quel point la slaverie était horrible.
09:31Le boulot, la pose avec des touristes,
09:33le bus de shuttle à l'endroit où se trouve le condominium.
09:35Je ne peux plus le prendre.
09:37On doit s'échapper.
09:38Verily, I hath received a communication from General Washington.
09:41Yo, Azubji.
09:42Let's go !
09:52The underground railroad ran beneath this safe house.
10:00Mom !
10:01Runaway slaves !
10:03Show them the passage, honey.
10:05And tell Tammy it's time for dinner !
10:07You wanna go see my room or go straight to Freedom ?
10:09Freedom, please.
10:12Tammy !
10:13It's time for dinner time !
10:15My sister Tammy's at a real crossroads like you guys.
10:18It's called Puberty.
10:19My pa, he said she could either turn into a butterfly or a butter face.
10:24Shut up !
10:25Just show us the passage, kid.
10:28This passageway will take you north to Freedom.
10:31Also, Tammy, fun fact.
10:32I found a tampon in her purse.
10:34Hey, thanks for your help.
10:35And good luck with your period, Tammy.
10:42See ? Now you look nearly female.
10:45Helen, honey, flirting's as simple as one, two, three.
10:48Four.
10:49Now watch and learn.
10:50Hey, big boy.
10:54Hi.
10:56You're funny.
11:00Really ? I'm funny ?
11:01You know, I get that a lot.
11:03People tell me I look like Chris Parnell.
11:05Gosh, I really need to get to D.C. in a hurry, but I don't have any money.
11:09If I could just get some gas, I'm sure everything would be okay.
11:15You know what's funny ?
11:16That tank's empty, but this tank's all full.
11:21You know, let's save paying for gas for the ugly peoples.
11:24Us beautiful people have an understanding.
11:27Will I ever see you again ?
11:28I'll visit you in your dreams.
11:30Now scoot.
11:31Okay, Helen, now it's your turn.
11:32Now you go inside and try it out.
11:35Listen up, fat man.
11:37Keep your eyes on me.
11:38That's right.
11:40Please don't hurt me.
11:41My wife is pregnant with our third.
11:45Real funny, real funny.
11:49It's working.
11:50Now, if you just give me everything I want, everything's gonna be okay.
11:56Yes, anything, anything, just tell me.
11:57Okay, now I want some fruit pies.
11:59I want some of that turkey jerky.
12:01I'm putting all the money in a sack, okay ?
12:04Breaker, breaker, we got a hold up at Dovetails.
12:07Holy crap, a hold up at Dovetails.
12:09That's here, Ennis.
12:10This is your chance to show bravery, real bravery.
12:13Maybe you're right, Lair.
12:14It's now or never, or maybe a few days from now.
12:16I've got to sleep on it, and no, I'm gonna do this.
12:24What do you think you're doing, man ?
12:27Heroes die, okay ?
12:28They f***ing die.
12:29Scamper away, man, scamper.
12:32Scamper, scamper.
12:33You gave me what I want, now you get yours.
12:38I don't even know what I'm looking at.
12:39Which way are you facing ?
12:40Oh, I'll visit you again, in your dreams.
12:43Yeah, no f***.
12:45Wow, he gave you a lot of money.
12:46You must have really turned him on.
12:48Yeah, I think I did.
12:49He kept reaching under the counter like he was grabbing for something.
12:54Don't think about peeing.
12:56Don't think about peeing.
13:00And that's not helping matters.
13:02Oh, I can't handle that liquid just sloshing around.
13:05It's too suggestive.
13:07This is for the lifetime of misfortune that's been heaped on my head.
13:12Alright.
13:13Oh, Mama's gotta take him.
13:19Ah, crap, they found rides.
13:20We gotta beat them to Washington.
13:22Back on the bus.
13:23I don't even deserve to be called a coward after that.
13:25Call me Mega Coward.
13:26No, that sounds too cool.
13:28Ennis, come on, we're going to the Pentagon.
13:30Don't you see ?
13:31You just need to be honest with your dad.
13:33Telling him you're a coward is the bravest thing you can do.
13:35Can't argue with that sound logic.
13:37Guess that's why you teach math.
13:38I teach P.E.
13:39Right, I teach math.
13:40You teach English.
13:41Because that's what cowards do.
13:50Move it, Private !
13:51Put that over there !
13:52There he is.
13:53The man who scared you your whole life.
13:55Now go up to him and tell him you're a coward.
13:58Keep that box upright, maggot !
13:59I don't think I need to remind you how much our boys overseas are counting on this shipment.
14:03Hello, Dad.
14:04Offspring ? Is that you ?
14:06Well, here goes.
14:07Dad, there's something I want to tell you.
14:09It's really tough for me to say.
14:11But remember when you said if you saw that cowardly lion, you'd shoot it in the face ?
14:14Well, I'm not a lion, per se.
14:16But I'm finally able to confess that...
14:18What the f*** are you doing, man ?
14:20You tell him you're a coward,
14:21he'll eat you alive like some sort of wussy f***ing chickadee !
14:23Brave. I'm brave, Dad.
14:25You, brave ?
14:27I have one hug left in the chamber, locked and loaded.
14:30But if you're lying to me, I swear to God I will discharge it into the ground !
14:34Can your friend verify this claim of bravery ?
14:38Yes, sir. Ennis is a very brave man.
14:40That's right, Dad.
14:41Why, just on the way over here, I saved a little boy from a ghost.
14:43Werewolf ?
14:44No, too scary. Ghost.
14:45I ain't afraid of no ghost.
14:47A ghost ? Is that true ?
14:49Yes. Your son defeated a ghost.
14:51Well, then I guess I believe it.
14:53Son, come here and take a hug to the chest area.
14:57You, maintain eye contact. You've earned it.
15:01Here we are in our nation's capital, where freedom reigns.
15:04Now, don't get off the bus except to feed the meter.
15:07The United States Senate has convened to discuss the very important matter of our nation's failing school system.
15:14Particularly the worst school in the country, Knob Haven High.
15:18As we know, children, as well as robots and clones, are our future.
15:22Okay, I'm gonna stop this esteemed windbag right here.
15:25There's a very simple reason why Knob Haven is the worst school in the nation, and it's not me.
15:29You see, the members of my faculty...
15:34Boy, that underground railroad really moves.
15:37Being a slave is serious exercise.
15:39I mean, I'm sore, but a good sore, you know ?
15:41Like when you haven't been to the gym in forever and then you go.
15:44That is slavery in a nutshell.
15:47I'm sorry, my hearing is poor from taking a high-powered hose to the eardrum in the 60s.
15:51Did you just equate slavery to going to the gym ?
15:54Those are two of my teachers, and yes, they just did.
15:57Which brings me to my point. The teachers...
15:59Don't listen to anything Sue says ! She's running the school into the ground !
16:02Just ignore these people, and I will continue to tell you the real problem with Knob Haven.
16:07It's the...
16:08Time-out !
16:09There are no time-outs in the Senate. Someone better give me some answers.
16:12Our principal says no, he's in big trouble.
16:14Okay, everyone, I've got a plan. Huddle up.
16:15I will listen in, but I will not huddle.
16:17I learned something today.
16:19The only thing more powerful than the truth is a lie you can tell with a friend.
16:23And if enough of your friends lie, then that lie becomes the truth.
16:27So come on, let's lie our asses off to these noble senators.
16:32Senators, the real reason Knob Haven High School underperformed so badly is because of...
16:37Ghosts.
16:38That's what you want to go with ?
16:39Let me get this right. The reason our nation's schools test so poorly is g-g-g-ghosts ?
16:44Yes, your honourable senator.
16:45It is most certainly not because our teachers are a pack of dummies. It's because of ghosts.
16:49Well, if these ghosts are anything like the ghosts in movies, then how could anyone teach, let alone learn ?
16:54Why, with all the goo and the wobbly tittering...
16:57Senator Norkin, how much is currently being budgeted for busting of ghosts ?
17:01I believe none, Senator Young.
17:02Well, I move that educational funding be taken from books and computers and be reallocated to ghost busting.
17:08And we'll name it after that blonde gal with the boobies and the mouth and such.
17:14Well, I'm never voting again.
17:17Cappy, we may not survive. There go our plans of opening up a shoe-tying service together.
17:22It was sound logical plan, my friend.
17:24Maybe this is just the backed-up urine talking, but I love you, man.
17:33Good lying back there, Ennis. But that's always been your strength.
17:36But what's this odd feeling ?
17:38The only emotions I know are tired, horny, super bold, guilt about lying to my father...
17:42Oh, you know what ? It's that one.
17:45There's some sort of terrorist attack on D.C.
17:47This is my chance to prove to my dad that I really can be brave.
17:50You really want to go from zero to terrorist attack ?
17:52Come on ! Miss Kosher Dill said one of her turn-ons was Heroes, and I want a piece of that pickle.
17:59Dad, the terrorists are coming ! Let's be brave and kick their asses together !
18:03Terrorists ?
18:07I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee...
18:11Are you nuts, man ? Oh, those guys would maul you !
18:14Do what you were trained to do, soldier ! Go limp !
18:17Roll around in some dirt to cover your sin, man !
18:19Oh, the old pussy's right, man ! He knows how to stay alive !
18:23What's going on, dad ? You have a comfort kitty just like I do.
18:26Well, yeah, I've had him since the fall of Saigon.
18:29Right, when you were fighting those pesky non-Americans.
18:31No, son. It's about time you learned what your father really does for a living.
18:36Attendez, des dégâts salés ?
18:39Des snow globes ?
18:40C'est ça, Anise. Je dirige la boutique de cadeaux du Pentagone.
18:44Donc, tu n'es pas un héros de guerre ? Dans mon flashback, le cargo à la chaleur était vraiment juste des barres de chocolat ?
18:50Donc, tu es un...
18:51Je suis un pauvre.
18:52C'est ça.
18:53J'ai entré dans la division des services armés du Gifted Sundries,
18:56parce que j'avais peur de me faire exploser sur un terrain de bataille.
18:59Moi aussi, je suis un pauvre. Tu vois pas ?
19:01Nous sommes tous pauvres. C'est génial, père.
19:03Non, c'est pas ça, mon fils. Je suis inutile.
19:06Inutile ? Tu es le soldat qui fournit des dégâts sucrés aux gens les plus importants du monde.
19:11Les Américains.
19:12Et tu es courageux pour prendre la pire profession du monde,
19:15enseignant les enfants horribles de l'Amérique.
19:18Hot dog !
19:19Sors d'ici !
19:20Eh bien, je suppose que c'est au revoir.
19:22Je t'aime, pauvre.
19:23Toi aussi, méga pauvre.
19:26Eh, ça a l'air assez cool.