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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (snoring)
00:02 Hey, look at that.
00:06 (upbeat music)
00:09 Well, I guess we're finally getting some new neighbors.
00:16 I tell you, if that boy handles the football
00:24 half as good as he handles a cardboard box,
00:27 Arlen High's got herself a new tight end.
00:30 Hey, you think that dad's a good bowler?
00:33 He looks like a good bowler.
00:35 Maybe he needs someone to bowl with.
00:38 Notice how he lifts with his legs.
00:42 I think they're gonna fit in just fine.
00:45 Howdy, fellas.
00:46 What brings you to Arlen?
00:48 Well, this family hired us to move their stuff.
00:52 (door opening)
00:55 (dog barking)
01:02 (upbeat music)
01:09 (upbeat music)
01:11 (upbeat music)
01:14 We'll all be damned.
01:41 They look Japanese.
01:42 Nope, I think they're Chinese.
01:45 How can you tell?
01:46 Japanese guys usually have glasses and a suit
01:50 and a tie and stuff like that.
01:52 Uh-huh.
01:53 Well, a neighbor's a neighbor.
01:55 Let's go over and say hi.
01:57 You reckon they even speak English?
02:00 Yeah, man, them Chinese, man,
02:02 you can't understand a word they say, man.
02:03 They just try to listen to the old upside down whatnot.
02:06 Hi there, I'm Hank Hill.
02:11 I live next door, which means I'm your neighbor
02:14 and you're my friend.
02:15 I think you'll find we have a great little community here.
02:20 What do you think of it so far?
02:22 I am Khan Supanusambon.
02:25 Hmm, so that's pronounced Khan, right?
02:29 Nice to meet you.
02:30 What the hell are you trying to do?
02:39 So are you Chinese or Japanese?
02:42 I live in California last 20 years,
02:44 but first come from Laos.
02:46 Huh?
02:47 Laos.
02:48 We Laotian.
02:49 The ocean?
02:51 What ocean?
02:52 We are Laotian, from Laos, stupid.
02:55 It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia.
02:57 It's between Vietnam and Thailand, OK?
03:00 Population 4.7 million.
03:04 So are you Chinese or Japanese?
03:07 Duh.
03:09 This is so very exciting.
03:11 It's like we get to travel to the Orient
03:13 without having to worry about diarrhea
03:15 or being jailed for our pro-democracy beliefs.
03:18 You know, at the beauty academy,
03:21 they teach us that people aren't black or white or yellow
03:26 or red, but their hair can be.
03:29 I'm going to invite our new neighbors to dinner.
03:32 We can't expect them to break the ice.
03:35 These people are by nature shy and reserved.
03:38 I read somewhere that the Chinese language
03:40 has 72 words for "rice," but no word for "friend."
03:45 Howdy you all.
03:48 Howdy, howdy, howdy.
03:50 Can you believe this crap?
03:52 You want to live in this country, learn to speak English.
03:54 I'm not going.
03:56 But you promised.
03:57 Why go?
03:58 I could just stay home, order a bucket of chicken,
04:00 and watch "Hee Haw."
04:01 Same thing.
04:02 Con, please, for once, try not to piss off neighbor.
04:06 We kick out of Laos.
04:08 We kick out of Anaheim.
04:10 I'm tired of running.
04:11 Hello, Con.
04:17 Hank.
04:18 Oh, damn, damn.
04:20 Oh, you have damn fine house.
04:23 Lead free since 1988.
04:26 This is my wife, Min, and daughter, Con, Jr.
04:29 And this is Peggy Hill.
04:32 On behalf of Arlen, Texas, I would like
04:35 to welcome you to our country.
04:38 Now, please make yourselves at home and take off your shoes.
04:42 Wait.
04:43 You just shampoo carpet?
04:44 Come on, Bobby.
04:47 Have some seconds.
04:48 The girl's lapping you.
04:50 I've never had beef chop suey before.
04:53 Really?
04:54 Oh, you poor dear.
04:56 You know, I read somewhere that in certain parts of China,
05:00 meat is as scarce as toilet paper.
05:02 Well, where you read that?
05:04 Oh, who can remember?
05:06 You know, as a substitute teacher,
05:07 I have to review all sorts of learning materials.
05:10 Bobby was on a placemat.
05:12 So you're a teacher?
05:14 Maybe you can tell me why Arlen test scores are so low.
05:18 I know why.
05:20 It's because Con, Jr. not there to bring up average.
05:24 You know, my boy here might not be the best test taker,
05:28 but he's got near perfect attendance.
05:30 Tell him, Bobby.
05:32 I hope you all save some room for my famous apple brown Betty.
05:37 The recipe's a closely guarded family secret,
05:40 passed on from my mother's mother to my mother to me.
05:43 And someday, I will give it to my Bobby.
05:48 Well, at least the brown Betty was good.
05:50 You must give me a recipe.
05:52 Oh, man, you know I can't do that.
05:55 But what I can do is offer you some leftovers.
05:58 Here, now just reheat this for 10 minutes.
06:00 [GASPS]
06:02 I have already said way too much.
06:04 Well, y'all come back now, you hear?
06:07 That's Texan for sayonara.
06:10 Oh, my.
06:11 Peggy, here.
06:12 What big feet you have, like boot.
06:16 Well, that's just the way God made me.
06:18 Hey, look at me.
06:24 I'm like little girl in mama's shoes.
06:26 OK, bye-bye now.
06:28 Bye-bye.
06:31 Now, honey, she didn't mean anything by it.
06:34 You do not come into a woman's home and insult her feet.
06:37 You just don't.
06:38 Aw, come on, Peg.
06:40 Remember when you first moved here from Montana?
06:44 You called Pop "Sody Pop," and you thought
06:47 93 and the Shade was hot.
06:50 Our new neighbors are just like you.
06:53 All they need is a little bit of time and Hank Hill
06:56 to watch out for them.
06:58 Well, do you think my feet are too big?
07:00 Nah, there's just more of you to love.
07:05 Ow.
07:06 Sorry.
07:06 [MUSIC PLAYING]
07:09 [DOG BARKING]
07:12 [MUSIC PLAYING]
07:15 [DOG BARKING]
07:16 Be careful, Bobby.
07:17 That's one of them Chinese fighting dogs.
07:20 It's a West Highland Terrier.
07:22 Yeah, that's it.
07:23 So what's his name?
07:25 Doggie.
07:26 Yes, Con Junior, he's a doggie.
07:28 Now, can you tell me his name?
07:30 He's called Doggie.
07:31 And that's called a doggie, too, but her name is Lady Bird.
07:36 She's a purebred Georgia bloodhound.
07:39 Her mama tracked down James Earl Ray.
07:41 [DOG BARKING]
07:42 Yeah!
07:44 Aren't kids great?
07:45 They're too young to know about fear or prejudice.
07:49 They won't have to learn that till high school.
07:53 Yep, there's a real lesson here for all of us.
07:56 Move, please.
07:57 You're standing on my hose.
07:59 [MUSIC PLAYING]
08:00 [DOG BARKING]
08:02 [MUSIC PLAYING]
08:04 [DOG BARKING]
08:05 Dad, look.
08:07 Lady Bird and Doggie like each other.
08:09 Of course they do, son.
08:10 They're neighbors.
08:12 You know, Con, I just found a breeding partner
08:14 for my Lady Bird.
08:16 If you're interested in having a real American dog,
08:18 I can give--
08:20 what the hell?
08:21 Get him off!
08:22 Get him off of her!
08:23 [LAUGHTER]
08:25 Yo, Lady Bird, she real slut.
08:27 Lady Bird is not a slut.
08:29 She is in heat.
08:31 Her hormones have overwhelmed her natural modesty.
08:34 For Pete's sake, would you tie up your dog?
08:40 You tie your dog.
08:41 She seduced my doggie.
08:42 That's ridiculous.
08:43 Lady Bird can only love another purebred Georgia bloodhound.
08:48 You know what I think, Hank Hill?
08:50 I think you a narrow-minded redneck.
08:52 Oh, I get it.
08:53 Just because I'm from Texas, I got to be some kind of redneck.
08:57 Chinese and their stupid stereotypes.
09:00 Get off my property!
09:01 Sorry, Lady Bird.
09:07 I know you didn't mean to have relations with that dog,
09:11 but I got to tie you up anyway, if only to protect
09:14 your virtue and good name.
09:16 [MUSIC PLAYING]
09:19 [DOG BARKING]
09:22 [HORSE NEIGHING]
09:24 Mm-hmm.
09:25 Mm-hmm.
09:27 Well, hey, look at that.
09:30 Maybe Con will let you borrow his sexy little import.
09:33 I'd cut my entire quarter acre with a lady
09:36 bick before I'd borrow that man's mower.
09:39 I just don't like him.
09:41 Why?
09:41 Because he's Chinese?
09:43 No.
09:44 It's all his dream.
09:45 What the hell's the difference?
09:47 I don't like the man.
09:49 That has nothing to do with where he's from.
09:51 I'm no redneck.
09:53 He could be from Mars for all I care.
09:55 Believe me, Hank, if Con were from Mars, you'd care.
09:59 Especially after he's stolen every last drop
10:02 of Earth's drinkable water to transport back
10:05 to his home planet, Mars.
10:10 Come on, stop dawdling, Lou Anne.
10:12 We've got to pick up that pizza before the cheese gets cold
10:14 and the pineapple gets hot.
10:16 What's the rush?
10:17 If we're not there in 30 minutes, it's free.
10:19 Peggy here!
10:23 Peggy here!
10:24 Stop!
10:25 Wait, Aunt Peggy, it's me.
10:26 Mm-hmm.
10:27 Stop.
10:28 Oh, my men, I almost did not see you there.
10:33 Peggy here, I feel deeply, deeply sorry about dinner.
10:37 We get off to a bad start.
10:39 I say things I should only have thought.
10:42 Oh, men, thank you.
10:45 You must have taken a lot of courage
10:47 to apologize like that.
10:49 And I know, I was once the new girl in town myself.
10:52 Me, Con, Con Junior, have a barbecue tomorrow.
10:56 It means so much if you come.
10:58 Well, thank you, men.
10:59 We would be honored to come.
11:01 And if you need any help with the barbecue
11:04 or if you just want to know what a barbecue is,
11:06 you give me a call.
11:11 Uh-uh, Peggy, I can't go.
11:13 I won't.
11:14 Not after what he said about Lady Bird.
11:17 Oh, Hank, come on.
11:19 Now, men and I just made up.
11:21 We have to go.
11:22 And if you stay home, people will
11:23 think you don't like Con just because he's Oriental.
11:27 That is ridiculous.
11:28 I hate the man because he's rude and nasty,
11:31 not because of what his people did to us in WW2.
11:35 Hank, I know that.
11:37 But everyone else, they'll say Hank Hill is a racist.
11:41 What the hell kind of country is this where I can only
11:44 hate a man if he's white?
11:45 Hank Hill, you will go to that party,
11:48 you will pretend to like Con, and you will
11:50 drink until you actually do.
11:52 Go on.
11:57 Howdy, Con.
12:01 Howdy, howdy, howdy.
12:03 Here you go.
12:04 I thought you might enjoy 7.5 gallons
12:08 of pure premium propane.
12:10 Are you kidding?
12:11 No, I cook with mesquite.
12:14 Give meat a nice taste of wood.
12:16 And I cook with propane.
12:17 Gives meat a nice taste of meat.
12:19 Hank Hill.
12:21 Hey, whatever.
12:22 Some cultures like mesquite, some prefer propane.
12:25 Doesn't mean we can't all get along,
12:27 just because I happen to sell propane and propane
12:31 accessories--
12:32 OK, all right.
12:33 Go stick tank on a table.
12:35 Keep napkins from blowing away.
12:37 Con super newsaphone.
12:39 Ah, OK.
12:41 You honor me by giving me gas.
12:44 Doggy's just like me.
12:46 He's new in town, and he's only got one friend.
12:49 Yeah, but at least you're not tied up.
12:52 If I were, I'd just dislocate my shoulders
12:55 and slip out of the nut.
12:56 I'd chew through the leash.
12:58 I bet it tastes just like a Bible cover.
13:02 Hey, let's untie them.
13:04 They belong together.
13:06 And it's fun to watch them play piggyback.
13:09 There you go, boy.
13:10 Go play with Lady Bird.
13:12 Be with your true love.
13:13 [MUSIC PLAYING]
13:16 [TIRES SCREECHING]
13:19 Wait.
13:20 Come back.
13:22 You're in love.
13:23 Doggy.
13:24 Doggy.
13:25 No, no.
13:26 No, no.
13:27 [GUNSHOTS]
13:28 [MUSIC PLAYING]
13:31 Oh, look, it's Piggy Hill, my new best friend.
13:34 Oh.
13:35 She's so pretty in her little yellow sundress.
13:39 Oh, man.
13:40 You are so sweet.
13:42 I could just mix you up in some jello and eat you for dessert.
13:46 Oh, Piggy Hill, look at husbands.
13:48 Too bad men don't get along like we do.
13:51 We get along.
13:52 Men stupid.
13:54 Women smart.
13:55 Mm-hmm.
13:56 The whole world over.
13:58 Hey, Piggy Hill, look what I make.
14:00 Piggy Hill brown Betty.
14:02 Oh.
14:03 That's impossible, I never gave you--
14:05 oh.
14:07 Where'd you get my granny's recipe?
14:09 I figured it out myself.
14:11 And then make it better.
14:13 Her recipe missing one thing.
14:15 Flavor.
14:16 I pegged your Pete.
14:17 I add flavor.
14:18 Nutmeg flavor.
14:19 Now it tastes much better.
14:20 Don't you think, Piggy Hill?
14:22 Please to try Piggy brown Betty.
14:24 Would you like a Piggy brown Betty?
14:25 It's tasty, delicious.
14:28 Why, Piggy, to be honest, I have always
14:30 had trouble keeping your brown Betty down.
14:32 But this here is pure heaven.
14:33 Those burgers look pretty done to me.
14:39 Not yet.
14:41 You might want to turn them now.
14:43 Too soon.
14:44 OK.
14:44 You might want to turn them now.
14:56 No.
14:56 Please go away.
14:57 Please, Con, you're burning them.
14:59 That's too much char.
15:01 Shut mouth and open mouth.
15:02 Boy, howdy.
15:10 That is the best damn burger I ever ate.
15:15 Stop, stop pushing.
15:17 There's enough for everyone.
15:18 If three of you go home right now--
15:20 ha, ha, ha, joke.
15:22 Doggie.
15:24 Doggie.
15:26 Con Junior?
15:28 Yeah.
15:29 Why are you named Con Junior?
15:31 My father wanted a boy.
15:33 Yeah, so did mine.
15:35 My dad is so lame.
15:36 He makes me practice violin five hours a day.
15:39 My dad won't let me watch TV more than five hours a day.
15:43 Well, my dad's making me memorize
15:45 2,000 words for the SAT.
15:48 He's such an autocrat.
15:51 What's a SAT?
15:54 I tell you, Peggy, there's nothing
15:56 these people can't make better.
15:59 First the automobile, then the color TV, and now the hamburger.
16:04 How do they do it?
16:05 With a dash of nutmeg, Hank.
16:07 A dash of nutmeg.
16:09 Oh, Peggy here, your husband liked burgers so much,
16:13 I give you recipe.
16:14 Now you can please him.
16:17 I don't care what country he's from,
16:19 any man who can make a burger like that is OK by me.
16:23 Oh, you said it.
16:26 Boy, it was so good, it's almost a shame to lose it
16:30 to the process of digestion.
16:32 Yeah, man, I tell you what, that dang old onion soup powder,
16:35 man, you just put a little bit of that,
16:37 you don't need no grilled onions, man.
16:38 How about you, Dale?
16:40 How many you got under your belt?
16:41 Zero.
16:42 Huh?
16:43 How come?
16:45 Don't eat dog.
16:46 [MUSIC PLAYING]
16:47 Huh?
16:53 OK, here are the facts as I see them.
16:59 Con served you dog.
17:00 Con did not serve us dog.
17:03 That's just an awful stereotype.
17:05 Chinese people don't really do that.
17:08 Well, I don't know.
17:09 Anyone crazy enough to put nutmeg in brown Betty,
17:13 well, they'd be crazy enough to do anything.
17:15 Hey, even if they did feed us dog, you know, who are we, huh?
17:20 Who are we to judge other cultures?
17:22 You know, maybe they're on to something.
17:25 They did invent paper, you know.
17:27 Quit talking like that.
17:29 Dog is man's best friend.
17:31 You wouldn't eat your best friend, would you?
17:33 Of course not.
17:34 Wait, are we talking about some kind of lifeboat situation
17:37 here, because I don't want to paint myself into a corner.
17:40 Look, I can settle this right now.
17:42 That woman gave us a recipe.
17:44 See, right here, it says chopped meat, not chopped dog.
17:48 Dog is meat.
17:51 You said it, friend.
17:54 Oh, I was trying to get that awful taste off my fingers.
17:58 Doggie?
18:16 Doggie?
18:17 Hello?
18:18 Dog pound?
18:19 Yes, hello?
18:21 I'm looking for Dog.
18:23 Sweet, sweet Dog.
18:25 Had big barbecue today, and Dog run out.
18:29 All about 20, 25 pound.
18:31 Good lord, it's true.
18:33 Oh, I'll call you back.
18:35 Egg Hill.
18:36 What a nice surprise.
18:38 Hey, Con, come quick.
18:40 Your best friend is here.
18:41 Oh, no.
18:43 That's OK.
18:44 What are you doing here?
18:49 I can't hear you over my weed, Piker.
18:52 Hey, where are you going, Piggy Hill?
18:54 Stop.
18:55 I can't hear you.
18:56 My contender, Mom.
18:57 What you doing?
18:59 Ah, you ruined my yard.
19:01 You crazy redneck.
19:03 That's enough.
19:04 We're never going to find Doggie.
19:09 I know.
19:11 Want to ride bikes?
19:13 Hey, Lady Bird's a bloodhound.
19:16 Maybe she can find Doggie.
19:18 Yeah.
19:20 Come on, Lady Bird.
19:22 Lead us to Doggie.
19:23 My god, Dale, you were right.
19:42 Their dog is gone.
19:44 All gone.
19:45 I caught Min on the phone with some kind of doggie butcher.
19:49 She was placing an order.
19:51 This is very dangerous.
19:53 They know that you know.
19:54 And now they got to come after you.
19:56 They do?
19:57 Yep.
19:58 They'll probably get you with a blow dart.
20:00 That's their way.
20:01 But you'll just think it's a mosquito bite.
20:03 Until you die, then you'll know the truth.
20:06 Why?
20:06 Why would they shoot people?
20:08 Human meat's tough, flavorless.
20:10 They should be out hunting for more dog.
20:13 Good god, he's got Lady Bird.
20:16 It's still wet.
20:22 Maybe there's time.
20:24 Come on, guys.
20:24 We got to save Lady Bird.
20:26 I've been hit.
20:32 Quick.
20:32 Somebody suck out the poison.
20:34 I've been hit.
20:36 Quick.
20:37 Somebody suck out the poison.
20:38 Oh, no.
20:59 Lady Bird.
21:04 That psycho redneck is back.
21:06 Why, he's so mad.
21:08 Did we do something wrong?
21:09 You're the one who insulted his propane.
21:12 You're the one who made fun of Peggy Hill's monster feet.
21:15 Open up, Con.
21:17 Open up now.
21:18 Get my back.
21:19 I know you're in there.
21:21 Go away.
21:22 I do nothing wrong.
21:23 Look, Con.
21:24 I understand that life is valued differently
21:27 in your part of the world, largely
21:29 as a result of overcrowding and famine.
21:33 But you're in my country now.
21:35 You're a crazy man.
21:37 I call the police.
21:38 If anyone's going to be calling the police,
21:40 it's going to be me.
21:41 Please.
21:42 What do you want from me?
21:44 I want my Lady Bird.
21:46 You understand me?
21:48 Give me my dog back or else.
21:50 Oh, ha, ha.
21:52 Top guy.
21:53 I so scared.
21:54 You want a piece of this?
21:56 Dad, no.
21:57 It's all our fault.
21:58 We lost the dogs.
22:00 They wanted to play with each other, so we untied them,
22:02 and they ran away, and now we can't find them.
22:05 You what?
22:06 You mean you-- the dogs, they're still alive?
22:11 What do you think happened?
22:12 Well, I-- uh, nothing.
22:15 We're sorry, Dad.
22:16 We looked everywhere.
22:18 We really did.
22:20 Bobby, you really screwed up this time.
22:22 Con Junior, you fall in with a bad crowd.
22:25 You made me fight with my neighbor.
22:27 You made the neighbor man crazy.
22:29 Go to your room.
22:31 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:33 You say, go to your room?
22:36 I say, go to your room.
22:39 You spank?
22:40 No, sir.
22:41 Don't believe in it.
22:42 No, me neither.
22:43 I think it barbaric.
22:45 How about bed without dessert?
22:47 Never fail.
22:48 Huh.
22:49 Wouldn't figure a child could be motivated by a fortune
22:53 cookie and an orange slice.
22:55 Oh, the cookie may be small, but it contain great wisdom.
23:01 And orange is sweet and juicy.
23:03 You know, Con, we may deny our kids
23:06 completely different desserts, but they both go to bed hungry.
23:11 And that's what really matters.
23:14 Well, guess we're not so different after all.
23:19 Boy, howdy.
23:20 [DOG BARKING]
23:24 Lady Bird.
23:25 Doggy.
23:27 [LAUGHTER]
23:28 Doggy Con.
23:31 Welcome to the neighborhood, Con Su-pa-noose and Pone.
23:38 Just call me Con.
23:39 I don't got all damn day.
23:40 I'm running out of time.
23:46 Give me the antidote, man.
23:50 [MUSIC PLAYING]
23:54 This is my granny's five alarm jambalaya.
24:07 Mm.
24:09 You are less hot, more spicy.
24:12 Add nutmeg.
24:13 Less hot, more spicy.
24:15 Add nutmeg, of course.
24:16 OK.
24:17 Aunt Laverne's chicken fried chicken.
24:20 Mm.
24:21 Too much Mrs. Dash.
24:23 Add the nutmeg.
24:26 And this here is my very own rabbit stew.
24:30 Ugh.
24:31 Rabbit?
24:32 You rednecks will eat anything.
24:34 [BLANK_AUDIO]