King Of The Hill S02E03 The Arrowhead
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00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:07 (upbeat music)
00:18 (bell ringing)
00:24 (upbeat music)
00:27 (upbeat music)
00:34 (upbeat music)
00:36 - Gentlemen, the John Deere 518R Walk Behind Tiller.
00:46 - Look at it, son.
00:48 Five horsepower Briggs and Stratton engine,
00:51 16 heat resistant tines, 13 inch super lug tires,
00:56 and if I'm not mistaken, this model comes with a hat.
01:01 Can I have it?
01:03 (door opening)
01:06 - You know, Bobby should see this too.
01:11 Hey, Bobby!
01:12 - Now, Bobby, there is a lot you can learn from PBS,
01:16 thanks to the support of viewers like me.
01:19 - Bobby, come meet our new Roto-Tiller.
01:22 - Later, Hank, this is educational TV time.
01:26 What we're about to see is British comedy.
01:30 You may not understand all of it at first
01:32 because it's more sophisticated than what we're used to.
01:35 - That man is wearing a dress.
01:39 - Exactly.
01:41 - Well, I can't wait any longer.
01:43 Bobby's just gonna have to watch the tape.
01:45 - Ooh, look at that.
01:48 - What the?
01:54 - Oh, posh, I've a run in my stocking.
01:59 - Yes, Prime Minister.
02:01 (laughing)
02:03 - Made in America cannot just be a marketing gimmick
02:07 like Dolphin Safe.
02:09 It's gotta stand for something.
02:11 - What's wrong, Dad?
02:13 - This dang rock busted up my Roto-Tiller.
02:16 - A rock?
02:17 That is no rock.
02:19 This is an arrowhead, an Indian arrowhead.
02:23 I led a field trip once to the Museum of Texas Cultures.
02:26 A little girl swallowed one just like this by mistake.
02:30 She thought it was a rock, too.
02:32 - We learned in school you don't call them Indians anymore.
02:35 You call them Native Americans.
02:38 It's like saying same-sex partner instead of--
02:41 - Bobby! - Bobby!
02:42 (gasping)
02:58 - Cool, Dad, what is that?
03:00 - Some old Indian thing.
03:03 - What's it for?
03:04 - Well, I don't know much about Indians,
03:07 but I do know tools.
03:09 And if I had to guess, I'd say you jam one of these
03:12 in the back of a white man's skull,
03:15 twist the handle like so,
03:17 and then your blood runs out through the hole here.
03:20 Yep, that's what it's for.
03:27 - I thought the tribes that used to live around here
03:29 were peaceful.
03:31 - Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
03:33 I'd hate to use a tool improperly.
03:35 Uh, hi, Nancy.
03:46 - Oh, uh, sorry, Shug.
03:49 Dale's at work.
03:50 - Uh, yeah, uh, yeah, I'm not looking for Dale.
03:56 Uh, I'm looking for John Redcorn.
04:00 - John Redcorn, it's for you.
04:11 - Hank, Nancy has a therapeutic massage today
04:25 for her migraines.
04:26 - Listen, I found this Indian, uh,
04:32 native Indian thing in my yard,
04:34 and I was wondering if you knew what it was.
04:37 - It's a tool used for straightening the shaft of an arrow.
04:40 - Uh-huh.
04:41 In a pinch, though, you could jam it
04:42 into someone's brain stem, right?
04:46 - Yes, but that's true of almost any tool.
04:48 - Well, yeah, sure, I guess.
04:50 - A treasure such as this is priceless to my people.
04:54 - Really?
04:55 What do you suppose it's worth to my people?
04:58 - A museum or university might give you $50.
05:03 - $50, huh?
05:05 Well, that'd get me a new rototiller blade.
05:08 - Hank, think about what you're doing.
05:11 It is wrong to take what belongs to another person and--
05:14 - John Redcorn.
05:15 - Well, food for thought.
05:18 (Hank sighs)
05:22 (upbeat music)
05:24 ♪ Every time you go out, baby ♪
05:31 ♪ You break my heart ♪
05:34 - Hey, man, sign a petition to legalize hemp.
05:37 - What's hemp?
05:38 - It's a cheap and durable source of fibers
05:41 that can be used for making clothing, rope, and paper.
05:45 - Typical government over-regulation.
05:47 Why wouldn't they legalize this stuff?
05:49 - Well, because, you know, it's basically marijuana.
05:54 - Bo!
05:56 - The volcano erupted so suddenly
06:00 that the village and everyone in it
06:01 were instantly encased in lava,
06:03 creating a snapshot, if you will,
06:04 of daily life at that exact moment.
06:07 And when we archeologists go and develop that snapshot,
06:10 believe me, no one is smiling.
06:13 (audience laughs)
06:14 See you tomorrow.
06:15 (audience applauds)
06:18 (footsteps thudding)
06:21 - That's right, they're breasts.
06:23 Big deal!
06:24 - Uh, excuse me, professor, I'm Hank Hill.
06:29 I left a message on your voicemail.
06:31 I don't know if you got it.
06:32 It said to press pound, but I-
06:34 - The artifact guy, yeah.
06:35 You don't have to hit pound.
06:37 So, what do you got for me?
06:38 - Well, I got this arrowhead,
06:40 and this here's a shaft straightener.
06:43 So, what do you think they're worth?
06:46 - Well, the arrowhead, that's worth nothing.
06:49 That's garbage.
06:49 Here, want me to throw it away for you?
06:51 It's on me.
06:52 - Uh, how about the other one?
06:54 - Cattle tribesmen might've traded this
06:57 for, say, a new loincloth.
06:59 What's a crotch-sized piece of leather
07:01 go for these days?
07:02 - I certainly do not know.
07:04 - Can't be more than $10, right?
07:06 - Well, now hold on a minute.
07:07 An Indian friend of mine said it was sacred.
07:10 - Let me explain something to you, Mr. Hill.
07:12 To the Native Americans, everything is sacred.
07:15 The sun, the dirt.
07:17 You wanna pay me for the air you've been breathing
07:19 since you came in?
07:20 That's sacred, too.
07:21 - Look, I don't wanna argue this.
07:22 I'll just take the $10.
07:24 - Count it.
07:26 It's all there.
07:27 (laughs)
07:29 Okay.
07:32 - You had no right to sell those artifacts, Hank.
07:42 This home belongs to the both of us.
07:44 - What are you so upset about?
07:46 I got $10 for some junk
07:48 that Bobby would've just ended up swallowing.
07:50 - Those objects were cultural.
07:52 They could've expanded Bobby's mind.
07:54 And I, for one, want my son's brain
07:57 to swell up as big as it'll go.
07:59 - What are you doing?
08:07 You're eating fried chicken for breakfast?
08:10 - Nuh-uh.
08:11 We're making bones for Bobby's social studies projects.
08:14 - It's a Native American necklace like the Tonkawa War.
08:19 I was gonna bring in the arrowhead and get an A
08:21 and maybe even go to college.
08:23 But Mom says you sold out my future for $10.
08:27 I hope you're happy.
08:29 That's still Mom talking.
08:32 - I'm sorry, gentlemen,
08:38 but we are not in the market for a new religion.
08:41 - Who, me?
08:42 Oh, no, no, no.
08:43 I'm an archaeologist.
08:45 Professor John Lerner, PhD.
08:47 - Oh, Peggy Hill.
08:49 You know, I'm a teacher, too.
08:51 Substitute Spanish, mm-hmm.
08:53 - Your husband came to see me the other day
08:55 with a Cato arrowhead.
08:56 - Well, I am the one who first determined it was not a rock.
09:00 - Well, you are a friend to archaeology.
09:03 And archaeology can use all the friends it can get
09:06 with all the red tape we put up with.
09:08 Look at this.
09:09 Those pieces your husband found weren't worth much,
09:12 but who knows?
09:14 Tomorrow, if we poke around here a little,
09:15 I might find something of real cultural value.
09:18 - Oh, please, be my guest.
09:21 - Well, no, that's what I'm saying.
09:22 They want paperwork, a homeowner's signature.
09:25 Technically, I shouldn't even be here.
09:27 - Don't be silly.
09:28 Give me that.
09:29 - I thank you.
09:32 Archaeology thanks you.
09:34 And most of all, I want you to thank yourself.
09:37 - Oh, no, I couldn't.
09:39 - For advancing the cause of knowledge, Peggy.
09:41 Come on now, I wanna hear it.
09:42 - Well, thank you, Peggy Hill.
09:45 - You are welcome.
09:46 You see, the secret is pretending they're special.
09:50 I probably could have gotten a title to our house
09:52 about a compliment of his stupid glasses.
09:54 - What was that about?
09:57 - Nothing.
09:58 The professor, my friend, just wanted to know
10:00 if he could poke around the log tomorrow for some artifacts.
10:03 I, of course, said yes.
10:05 - How could you do that, Peggy, without even asking me?
10:09 - Well, you sold that arrowhead without asking me.
10:12 - Fine, we're even.
10:14 But I think you owe my lawn an apology.
10:17 We're waiting.
10:21 Uh, Peggy?
10:24 You can't just thank it.
10:29 You've gotta say it out loud.
10:35 - Hank, I thought you told Dale not to mow at this hour.
10:39 - What?
10:40 That's not Dale's mower.
10:43 That's not a mower at all.
10:45 No!
10:51 (engine rumbling)
10:54 (upbeat music)
11:05 (guns firing)
11:08 - Therefore, I prefer to his dungy old
11:10 aforementioned antiquities
11:11 persuaded to the public domain title 977
11:13 of the Southern State Resource Code.
11:16 I tell you what, man, it's there tight.
11:17 - Boomhauer, I didn't understand a word you just said.
11:22 Damn legalese.
11:24 I never thought I'd see the day when my own government
11:27 would go around stealing people's land.
11:30 - Think about it, Hank.
11:31 Isn't that what happened to the peoples
11:34 who lived here before us?
11:35 (sad music)
11:40 (hands slapping)
11:47 - Whoa, whoa, what are they doing?
11:48 That's my privacy hedge.
11:50 - Hi, Hank.
11:52 - Oh.
11:53 - I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your razor.
11:56 - All right, that's it.
11:57 Everybody off my property.
12:00 I said off.
12:01 Don't make me call the cops.
12:03 - Go right ahead.
12:04 And while you're at it, tell them you're trespassing
12:07 on a protected archeological site.
12:10 - What I'm about to say goes against everything I believe.
12:14 But you play dirty and you leave me with no choice.
12:17 You are sued, mister.
12:21 You're all witnesses.
12:22 And you're all being sued too.
12:25 And you're the witness to that.
12:27 Here, I want all your names.
12:30 And I don't want any Seymour Butts or IP Freelies.
12:34 My wife's a substitute teacher.
12:36 I know all the tricks.
12:37 - What do you think it is?
12:43 - I'm not sure yet.
12:44 - I think it's a clay pot.
12:49 - More likely a ceramic bowl.
12:51 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you may be right.
12:53 - Yes.
12:54 Would you excuse me?
12:59 (footsteps tapping)
13:01 - Peggy, you won't believe what that idiot professor did.
13:04 He got dirt all over my compost heap.
13:08 - Hank, please.
13:09 Professor Lerner is no idiot.
13:11 In fact, he's a genius.
13:13 And that's as far from idiot as you can get
13:15 before reaching madness.
13:17 - Maybe we should invite the professor to dinner.
13:20 Bobby could learn a lot from him.
13:21 - Don't turn dinner into school, Peggy.
13:24 Dinner's one of the few things Bobby's good at.
13:27 - Yeah, he is good with the fork and knife.
13:29 I grant you that.
13:31 But it's time for him to move to the next level.
13:34 Learning the art of conversation
13:36 and drinking without a straw.
13:38 - I'll never forget when the King Tut exhibit
13:41 came to my hometown.
13:43 I'm standing in that museum
13:44 amongst these priceless artifacts,
13:47 thinking I can do better.
13:49 Three years later, I had my first PhD.
13:52 - From the University of Chicago.
13:54 That's one of the finest schools in the country.
13:57 - School?
13:58 They don't even have a football team.
14:01 - Oh, so you like football, huh, Bobby?
14:03 Did you know that the Caddo Indians
14:05 played a game like football?
14:07 They called it Chunky.
14:08 Only they used sticks, darts, and rolling discs of stone.
14:12 - Tell me more, Professor.
14:14 Right, Mom?
14:15 (gulping)
14:25 (burping)
14:27 - All right, if the Caddo could play Chunky
14:30 with a stone disc, why couldn't they invent the wheel?
14:33 - Peggy.
14:34 - No, uh-uh, you cannot just blow my mind and leave.
14:37 - Sorry, big day tomorrow.
14:39 We're digging up your rose bushes.
14:40 - Oh, how exciting.
14:42 - Maybe you and Bobby would like to assist me.
14:44 - I don't believe it.
14:45 Our first dig.
14:46 - I remember my first dig.
14:47 The Thinness Frost site.
14:49 That's where I discovered my first Wahasha bracelet.
14:53 This is a replica.
14:54 The real one is very fragile,
14:56 and it doesn't go with this sweater.
14:58 - Oh, it's just beautiful.
15:01 - A man wearing jewelry, that's funny.
15:04 Like on PBS.
15:05 - Bobby, shh.
15:06 A Wahasha bracelet is not jewelry.
15:10 It's a badge of honor.
15:11 A young brave would give one of these to a girl he liked
15:14 as a symbol of their bond.
15:16 Wahasha means connection.
15:17 But it can also mean much more.
15:22 - Huh, kinda like aloha.
15:25 It means hello and goodbye.
15:28 - Well, actually it's more like--
15:28 - Well, aloha, goodbye.
15:31 - Yeah.
15:32 Before we discuss this ancient Indian burial ground,
15:37 I'd like to say two things.
15:38 First, thank you to Mrs. Peggy Hill
15:41 for organizing this field trip.
15:43 Secondly, if a bony hand reaches out from the soil
15:46 and tries to drag you into its grave, remain calm.
15:51 Seriously, remain calm.
15:53 Now, who can tell me what Indian tribes
15:57 are native to Arlen?
15:58 Ah, Mrs. Hill, enlighten us, please.
16:07 - Well, if I'm not mistaken, and I could be,
16:10 the Cato were the earliest settlers of this region.
16:13 - That's exactly right.
16:15 (gentle music)
16:19 (Bobby sighs)
16:22 - A high pressure system coming in
16:24 will mean lower temperature--
16:25 - Where have you been?
16:27 You missed action sports and half of action weather.
16:30 - Bobby and I have been in the yard all day
16:32 digging things up.
16:34 Oh, by the way, he knows his cat didn't run away now.
16:38 So, what did I miss?
16:40 - Another new soccer league, 30% chance of rain.
16:45 - Rain?
16:45 Oh, well, I better warn the professor.
16:48 He left the top down on his sob.
16:50 - I guess I'll just go to bed.
16:53 What in God's name?
16:58 - Stadium lights, like the cowboys use.
17:01 Well, now the professor can dig all night if he wants to.
17:04 - The cowboys would treasure my lawn,
17:06 not turn it into some kind of a freak show.
17:09 - Oh, it hasn't been all bad, Hank.
17:12 We may have lost the lawn, but Bobby gained a role model.
17:16 - I'm his role model, not that bracelet wearing egghead.
17:21 - I really don't see what you have against the professor.
17:24 I think we all would benefit from spending
17:25 more time with him.
17:27 Now, if you'll excuse me, I really should go warn him.
17:30 His sob has leather seats.
17:32 (gentle music)
17:35 - All right, now you take the brush, okay,
17:45 and just ever so gently, gingerly, sweep it away.
17:49 You're very good at this.
17:50 - I know what you're thinking, Hank, and it's not true.
17:55 Every once in a while, a guy suspects his wife
17:58 has a thing for another man.
18:00 - That's not what I'm thinking at all.
18:02 I'm thinking about cheese logs.
18:06 - Uh-huh.
18:07 My Nancy's going to Corpus Christi this weekend
18:10 for some my grain workshop.
18:13 I'm suspicious as hell.
18:15 - See ya, Shug.
18:17 - Feel better, bring me back a shot glass.
18:20 Good thing John Redcorn's going with her.
18:25 He can keep an eye on things.
18:27 (laughing)
18:34 (dramatic music)
18:38 (engine revving)
18:41 - What are you making?
18:49 - I'm making a problem go away.
18:52 - Uh-huh, what, you got possums?
18:55 - Nope, this jerk archeologist who--
18:58 - You know what works for me?
19:00 You slip a cap full of arsenic into a side of bacon.
19:03 - Well, that would be murder, Bill.
19:07 (engine revving)
19:10 - What do you think would happen if this know-it-all
19:15 found a fake artifact and thought it was real?
19:19 What would Peggy think of him then, huh?
19:21 - Uh, I mainly just know about possums.
19:25 (engine revving)
19:29 (dramatic music)
19:32 (dramatic music)
19:34 (dramatic music)
20:03 - Find anything?
20:05 - No, not yet.
20:06 - Huh, you've been at it all morning.
20:09 Think you'd have turned up something by now.
20:11 - Well, archeology is a game of patience.
20:14 - You know, that sounds a lot like fishing.
20:16 Sometimes when you're not having any luck in one spot,
20:20 you move to a new spot, like over there.
20:23 Yep, that's where I'd fish, right over there.
20:31 - Professor, come quick, I found something.
20:34 (dramatic music)
20:37 - Peggy, no, leave that alone.
20:42 You don't know what you're doing.
20:44 - Is that what you think?
20:46 Well, I'm not quite sure Professor Lerner
20:47 would agree with you.
20:49 You'd be surprised what I've learned from him this week.
20:52 Now, what do you suppose it is, Professor?
20:55 - Oh, no, no, tell us what you think it is, Peggy.
20:59 - Okay, well, this is most likely a Tonkawa warrior necklace
21:04 made from the finger bones of his enemy.
21:11 - Really, finger bones, fascinating.
21:14 How did you come to that conclusion?
21:17 - Well, they're bones and they're the size of fingers,
21:21 so I just put two and two together and I added a thumb.
21:24 - You know, I just got a crazy idea.
21:28 Let's find out what it really is.
21:31 Scott.
21:32 - Looks like a bunch of chicken bones.
21:38 - Correct, Barbara.
21:40 - Scratched up with a belt sander.
21:43 - Of course, Andrea.
21:44 - And strung together with kite string.
21:47 - Bingo, they make it look so easy, don't they?
21:50 You know their secret?
21:51 They're archeologists.
21:53 - What?
21:54 I don't understand.
21:57 Oh, I get it, archeologists.
22:01 (laughs)
22:03 Oh, I am such an idiot.
22:08 - Don't you believe it, Peggy.
22:11 They're not so smart.
22:13 I didn't use kite string.
22:15 I used bailing twine, ha.
22:18 - You?
22:20 But why?
22:21 It's not enough that you think I'm stupid.
22:24 You have to make me look stupid, too.
22:27 - What?
22:28 I wasn't trying to, Peggy,
22:29 you're the only one around here I actually respect.
22:32 I was trying to make him look stupid.
22:35 - Don't tell me you were jealous.
22:40 - No, I was just mad
22:44 because you were spending all your time with that guy
22:48 and I wanted you to spend it with me.
22:52 Jealousy had nothing to do with it.
22:55 - Ooh.
22:58 - Oh, Hank, I have something in my eye,
23:02 but I am also crying.
23:04 (gentle music)
23:06 (laughs)
23:15 - What are you laughing at?
23:16 - Well, it's funny, isn't it?
23:18 Sounds like I could have scored with your wife
23:20 for the price of a fake bracelet.
23:21 - What?
23:22 (grunts)
23:25 - Okay, okay, you pushed me in.
23:28 Whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself.
23:31 (grunts)
23:33 Mr. Hill, violence doesn't solve anything,
23:35 so why don't we just discuss this like--
23:37 (grunts)
23:39 You know what's ironic about this?
23:41 You're the one who looks stupid right now.
23:43 (grunts)
23:44 Okay?
23:46 So you're stronger than I am.
23:47 You've proven that.
23:48 Fine.
23:49 (grunts)
23:50 I'm starting to enjoy this.
23:52 I really am.
23:53 I want you to push me in the hole.
23:54 Please, push me in the hole.
23:56 - Okay.
23:57 (grunts)
23:59 (upbeat music)
24:03 (bell dings)
24:05 (upbeat music)
24:08 (bell dings)
24:34 You'll get tired of this long before I do.