Frasier Season 8 Episode 1+E02 And The Dish Ran Away With The Spoon Pt 1 + Pt 2
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00:00Perhaps we should try to keep this quiet from Daphne.
00:03Keep what quiet? We got married!
00:06Daphne, are you saying that you have feelings for Niles?
00:10I think I do.
00:12You can't tell Niles all this. He says he's happy with Mel.
00:16She says she's happy with Donnie.
00:18But I'm not sure I believe either one of them.
00:20Just remember, Frej, there are two marriages on the line here.
00:24I will get a divorce, and you can call off the wedding.
00:26I can't!
00:28Donnie is a dear and wonderful man, and I made a promise to him.
00:34I'm sorry.
00:36My mind's made up.
00:38Hello.
00:40I was wondering if you might be free for a date.
00:44My God, yes!
00:48There's plenty of time for that later.
00:50Let's get this bloody boat moving!
00:52What?
00:56I can't believe this.
00:58Neither can I.
01:00What made you change your mind?
01:02My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl.
01:04She looked up at me and said,
01:06You're the saddest bride I've ever seen.
01:08I figured, who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a four-year-old with an eye patch?
01:14Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.
01:16The next thing I knew, I was climbing out the window of the loo.
01:22You mean, you didn't tell Donnie?
01:24I didn't tell anyone.
01:26Can't you get this thing moving any faster?
01:28I would, but we have to watch out for speed.
01:30Bumps.
01:34I've never done anything this crazy.
01:36Are you nervous?
01:38Only that I'm going to wake up.
01:41Don't answer it!
01:43It's probably your brother wondering if you've seen me.
01:45Maybe it's Mel wondering why it's taken me half an hour to put on insect repellent.
01:55Good.
02:01Here we are.
02:03The end of the driveway.
02:05Which way should we go?
02:07Well, to the right is Seattle,
02:09and to the left, I guess, is Canada.
02:11Any thoughts?
02:13What's left for us in Seattle?
02:15Ex-wives and ex-fiancee.
02:17A tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
02:19I don't know.
02:21I don't know.
02:23I don't know.
02:25I don't know.
02:27I don't know.
02:29I don't know.
02:31I don't know.
02:33A tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
02:35Yes, but an excellent symphony
02:37and world-class dining.
02:41Then there's Canada.
02:43A fresh start, a chance for adventure.
02:47Grizzly bears.
02:51I don't care.
02:53Just pick one. Let's go.
02:55Maybe we should...
02:57No! We can't think about that.
02:59I just ran out on my wedding.
03:01I can't go back.
03:03I need you to be strong.
03:05For you,
03:07I have the strength of Hercules.
03:19I love you.
03:21And I love you.
03:24They're not going away, are they?
03:26If you want to keep going, I'll go.
03:30No.
03:32We'd better go back and face the music.
03:34We should make things right.
03:40All right, all right.
03:42We're on our way back.
03:44Excuse me?
03:46No, there is no Wendell.
03:48No, there is no Wendell.
03:50No, there is no Wendell.
03:52No, there is no Wendell Fong here.
03:58This is going to be frigging awful.
04:02Maybe.
04:04Maybe not.
04:06Sometimes you build these things up
04:08in your mind
04:10and they turn out not as bad
04:12as you thought.
04:14That being said,
04:16I guess there's no easy way
04:18to tell you this.
04:20I'm in love with Niles
04:22and I can't marry you.
04:26Donny?
04:28Are you all right?
04:30Donny!
04:32Now,
04:34did you hear what I just said?
04:38Say something.
04:40Anything.
04:50Wow.
05:04Wow.
05:10Anyone try those little crab cakes?
05:14What?
05:16They were good.
05:18My dad
05:20just had front row seats for what is arguably
05:22the most disastrous wedding in history.
05:26Just ignore it with a lot of inane chit-chat.
05:32Did you try that mustard dip
05:34that went with them?
05:36Good.
05:38Niles?
05:40Frankly, I prefer a little inane chit-chat
05:42to talking about what actually happened back there.
05:44Oh, Donny,
05:47I'm so upset.
05:49I just wish I'd broken the news
05:51to him in a carpeted room
05:53instead of the rock garden.
05:57I just can't help feeling
05:59that our happiness has come
06:01at the expense of Mel and Donny.
06:03There's no easy way out of this.
06:05You guys did the right thing
06:07coming back.
06:09I'm proud of you both.
06:11Thanks, Dad.
06:13And thank you, Frasier.
06:15As painful as it was back there,
06:17we owe you a debt of gratitude.
06:19Daphne and I are here now
06:21because of you.
06:23Please, Niles.
06:25I didn't really do all that much.
06:27Just a minor pluck
06:29of Cupid's bow.
06:33Nonsense.
06:35You set this whole thing in motion.
06:37Stop it.
06:39I'm blushing.
06:41Just seeing you two kiss together
06:43is thanks enough for me.
06:45Although I wouldn't
06:47turn down a bottle of 82 Latour.
06:51He's not kidding.
06:53I know.
06:55Oh, look.
06:57Isn't that my Winnebago pulling off from the gas station?
06:59I'd say so.
07:01I'm amazed you let Simon drive
07:03that thing.
07:05Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.
07:07He did understand
07:09you were discouraging it.
07:11Of course.
07:15Uh-oh.
07:19I just hope he gets my family
07:21to the airport on time.
07:23I wouldn't want them to miss their plane
07:25if you get my drift.
07:27Yeah, it's that one right. Look.
07:29It's all your brothers waving from the back.
07:31Hey, how you doing?
07:33See ya.
07:35Oh, well, that's very nice.
07:38Living up to the
07:40Moon family name, I see.
07:50So, did Simon
07:52get you home all right after dropping my family
07:54at the airport? Oh, yeah.
07:56He entertained the whole neighborhood
07:58trying to parallel park the Winnebago.
08:00The highlight
08:02was when he flattened a whole row of
08:04newspaper racks.
08:06How many did he get? My record's five.
08:10I suppose he followed that up with some sort of
08:12clumsy advance.
08:14Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost.
08:16Then he hit on my babysitter.
08:18She showed him why she's the star of her
08:20JV soccer team.
08:24Your mom claims he was dropped as a child.
08:26I think he was thrown.
08:30I can't thank you enough for helping me
08:32return these wedding gifts.
08:34It just reminds me of how many people
08:36I've disappointed.
08:38Dad, you really
08:40outdid yourself on these corn muffins
08:42today. They're light,
08:44moist,
08:46corny.
08:48He's just being
08:50so sweet to me because of all of this.
08:52No, I mean it. They're delicious.
08:54He hates them. Watch this.
08:56You know, if
08:58you finish those up, I'll make another
09:00batch. In fact, I'll fill the freezer.
09:02We can have them with every meal.
09:04All right, all right, I give.
09:06Try to do something nicer on here.
09:12That's the last of it.
09:14Look sharp, Daphne.
09:18Simon, you idiot.
09:20Don't get your niggers in a twist.
09:22I already dropped it in the elevator.
09:24I think you've helped enough
09:26for one day.
09:28Simon, how about a little breakfast?
09:31I already had a lovely crispy
09:33golden waffle and a foamy cappuccino
09:35down in the Winnebago.
09:37What? The Winnebago?
09:39That doesn't have a waffle iron
09:41or a cappuccino maker.
09:43Wait a minute. These gifts look like
09:45they've been unwrapped and then wrapped again.
09:49Simon.
09:51You know what that is, Daphne?
09:53That's a bread maker,
09:55which you did not register for.
09:57Some people are so bloody thoughtless.
10:01That's stealing. These gifts are going back.
10:03Never.
10:05Returning used merchandise is unethical
10:07and I for one will never be
10:09party to it.
10:27So...
10:31Returning wedding presents, I take it.
10:35That's one problem Mel and I avoided by eloping.
10:37No presents to return when...
10:41When you shag someone else's wife.
10:43Simon!
10:47Would you like some coffee?
10:49I'd love some. Here, let me help.
10:53Dad, those look good. What are they?
10:55Door stops.
11:09How'd you sleep last night?
11:11I didn't. How about you?
11:13Not a wink.
11:15You know, as pleasant as it was
11:17riding up and down that driveway yesterday,
11:19I...
11:21I think it hardly qualifies as a date,
11:23so I have a surprise for you.
11:25I made reservations for tonight
11:27at Haute-Pied-de-Cochon
11:29and after, we're going dancing
11:31at the Starlight Room.
11:33It'll be our first official date.
11:35You free?
11:37Wow, this is awfully short notice.
11:39Can I get back to you?
11:41Yeah, of course.
11:43Of course I'm free, you silly sausage.
11:45It sounds wonderful.
11:49Um...
11:53About us...
11:55I think we shouldn't rush
11:57into anything,
11:59like living together or even
12:01physical relations
12:03until I have
12:05the situation
12:07resolved with Mel.
12:09Do you have any thoughts about that?
12:11Well,
12:13I'm so relieved.
12:15I feel exactly the same way.
12:17We need to get to know each other
12:19in this whole new life first.
12:21We're completely sympathetic.
12:23Yes.
12:27Come on!
12:33Although, you know,
12:35in some respects,
12:37we're much further ahead than most couples.
12:39I already know how you take your coffee.
12:41Cream,
12:43one sugar,
12:45and two lips.
12:47Morning.
12:49Good morning. No, I don't see anything in your eye.
12:53For God's sake!
12:55I have good news for you.
12:57The cat is out of the bag.
12:59Well, I'm sorry.
13:01I guess I'm just not used to kissing the boss's brother
13:03in the kitchen.
13:05Not that I'm used to kissing him any other place.
13:07I mean, any other room.
13:09Yes, yes, Daphne, I know what you mean.
13:13So...
13:15How are you two doing?
13:21We're deliriously happy, of course.
13:24You know, I keep thinking about Mel
13:26and how she must be feeling today.
13:28Excuse me.
13:32Poor Donnie. He must be devastated.
13:34I'll never forgive myself for that.
13:36Hello?
13:38Maybe I should go and see him.
13:40No, I wouldn't, Daph.
13:42You know, Donnie and Mel have suffered a terrible blow.
13:44They'll need space
13:46and time
13:48to lick their wounds.
13:50Believe me,
13:52they're in.
13:54The last thing they'll want is to speak with either of you.
13:56Hold on. Fisher, could you hold it down?
13:58It's Mel.
14:00That woman never misses an opportunity
14:02to show me up.
14:06Daphne,
14:08Simon's opening your gifts.
14:10Bloody hell!
14:12Simon, give me that!
14:14You idiot!
14:16Oh, Roz, you little snitch!
14:18You know, I'm starting to have
14:20serious doubts about whether you're going to be
14:22the future mother of my children.
14:26Somewhere out there
14:28the future mother of your children
14:30just lifted her head from a puddle
14:32of drool.
14:36Yeah, but I bet
14:38she's got a ripper body.
14:44Daphne Moon? Yes. These are for you.
14:46Oh, goodness. And so is this.
14:48Consider yourself served.
14:50What?
14:52Well, you won't believe this.
14:54Mel insists on
14:56seeing me.
14:58Wow. Wonderful flowers.
15:00Where are they from?
15:02Well, I can't read the card from here
15:04but I'd say they're from Donny.
15:06Is he trying to
15:08get you back? Oh, he's getting me back
15:10all right. He's suing
15:12me. What?
15:14Call me crazy
15:16but you know what I think
15:18we all need right now?
15:20A nice pot of fondue.
15:24I'm sure I've seen
15:26one in here somewhere.
15:40Donny, are you
15:42in here?
15:45I'm afraid so.
15:47It's kind of dark in here.
15:49Do you think maybe we could turn on the light?
15:51Okay.
15:53Oh, okay.
15:55Yeah, that's better.
16:07Donny,
16:09you're gonna have to turn around.
16:11I can't see you.
16:13We can't see you either.
16:17We?
16:19Oh, that's right. You haven't met my little
16:21friend.
16:23You remember him?
16:25From the top of the wedding cake?
16:27I call him
16:29Mr. Chump.
16:31Say hello to Mr.
16:33Chump. Oh, well
16:35Donny, I said say hello!
16:37Hello, Mr.
16:39Chump.
16:43Donny, are you all right?
16:45Oh, yeah. I was not feeling
16:47very well yesterday, but the doctor gave me
16:49a few pills and I'm feeling much better now.
16:51So,
16:53what can I do for you?
16:55Well, before I get to that,
16:57Donny, I'd like you to know that my visit here
16:59was completely my own idea.
17:01Daphne has nothing to do with it.
17:03I'm sorry.
17:05Daphne has nothing to do with it.
17:07What happened
17:09to you yesterday
17:11was unforgivable
17:13and devastating. I know where
17:15I speak. See, I too
17:17was once
17:19abandoned at the altar.
17:23You're feeling angry and hurt
17:25and completely
17:27alone. Aren't you
17:29forgetting someone?
17:31Just
17:33so we're clear,
17:35all my remarks
17:37refer to human relationships.
17:39Now,
17:41Daphne realizes you went to great expense
17:43for this wedding
17:45and she is prepared to
17:47repay you over time.
17:49But, Donny,
17:51this hundred thousand
17:53dollars in punitive damages
17:55for emotional distress, that is not
17:57you.
17:59That's not the Donny Douglas I know.
18:03That's not? No.
18:05You don't want to sue
18:07Daphne?
18:09I'm a lawyer. It's my natural
18:11impulse.
18:13Well,
18:15you know, maybe I am being too hard on
18:17Daphne. In all fairness,
18:19she's not totally to blame.
18:21Gosh, this is plenty of
18:23blame to go around.
18:25I mean, even I
18:27played a minor part in these events.
18:33You?
18:35I was talking about me.
18:37Well, you, me,
18:39everyone,
18:41but he who is
18:43without sin, right?
18:47Anyway, I'm glad we had this talk.
18:49God bless you.
18:51Wait, wait, wait.
18:53What minor part
18:55did you play? I may have
18:57mentioned in passing to Niles
18:59and Daphne how they
19:01felt about each other,
19:03which may have
19:05conceivably set
19:09this whole thing in motion.
19:11Perhaps.
19:13You did this on
19:15my wedding day? Oh, no. No,
19:17Donny, no.
19:19It was the night before.
19:21What I'm trying
19:23to say is if you feel the urge to yell at someone,
19:25well, then yell at me.
19:27If you want to take a swing at somebody,
19:29then here's my chin.
19:31Are you going to hit me?
19:35I'm going to hit you.
19:37I'm going to hit you with tortuous
19:39interference and intentionally negligent
19:41affliction of emotional distress.
19:43Layman's terms, I'm going to sue
19:45your ass off. Me?
19:47Daphne's the one who left you
19:49at the altar.
19:51That's right. That's why I'm suing her
19:53for breach of contract.
19:55Donny, Donny, listen. You're just being emotional
19:57right now. Give this a few
19:59days and I'm sure you'll feel much better.
20:01Actually, I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you,
20:03Fraser. Suing you is just the tonic
20:05that I needed. You know what else?
20:07I'm starving. I haven't eaten in 24
20:09hours. I'd ask you to join me, but
20:11you should be saving your
20:13money.
20:15Turn the lights out when you leave.
20:17Oh, by the way,
20:19Frase,
20:21who's Mr. Chump
20:23now?
20:29Where is Mel?
20:31That woman is punctual to a fall.
20:33This is a bad sign. She's only
20:35five minutes late. Five?
20:37I thought it was two.
20:39She's doing this intentionally.
20:41She's playing mind
20:43games. She's hoping to undermine
20:45my confidence. So she'll
20:47have the advantage. But you're
20:49showing her.
20:51I'm sorry I'm late.
20:53What's wrong with Niles? Oh, he's
20:55in a tizzy because Mel's late. Dear
20:57God, she's never late.
20:59Just steady, Niles.
21:01Nice job,
21:03Fraser. Well, how did
21:05things go with Donny? Well, I used
21:07every psychological trick in my bag
21:09to get myself added to the lawsuit.
21:11That's unforgivable. Tell
21:13me about it. No, that pruned
21:15anise that Dad dropped down here last Thursday
21:17is still here.
21:19Oh, I think I see
21:21Mel pulling that. Don't panic!
21:23Oh!
21:25Thanks for the moral support. I'd better see you here.
21:27If you need us, we'll be right up there.
21:37Hello, Mel.
21:39Niles?
21:41Please.
21:45Well,
21:47here we are.
21:49Our four-day anniversary.
21:53Mel, I never meant to...
21:55What, hurt me?
21:57If that were the case, you never would have
21:59run off with your little
22:01maid whore,
22:03leaving me holding the brochures
22:05to our honeymoon.
22:07Technically, she's a physical therapist.
22:09You were saying?
22:11If you think that I...
22:13Oh, Mel.
22:15Here, here.
22:17No!
22:23I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
22:25Dammit.
22:29I want you to listen to me
22:31very carefully.
22:33Last night,
22:35I had a dream
22:37I want you to listen to me
22:39very carefully.
22:41Last night, as I lay in bed, awake,
22:43I thought,
22:45I'm either going to kill you,
22:47or I'm going to kill myself.
22:49Well, here you are,
22:51so I guess that leaves...
22:53Leave, shut up, and let me finish.
22:55I realize that wouldn't solve anything.
22:57So I've decided to make this
22:59as painless as possible.
23:01You will have your divorce, Niles,
23:03and it will be quick and clean.
23:05Hold your applause.
23:07There are some conditions.
23:09As you know, I have a certain standing
23:11in my social circle that's important to me.
23:13Having my husband of three days
23:15run off with some
23:17cockney tart is a humiliation
23:19I'd prefer to avoid.
23:21Yes, I understand completely.
23:23So here's how this is going to play out.
23:25For the next few weeks,
23:27as far as the rest of the world is concerned,
23:29we're still happily married.
23:31We will appear together in public
23:33on social occasions.
23:35In private...
23:37I don't want to lay eyes on you.
23:39Check, check.
23:41And when a suitable amount of time has passed,
23:43I will file for divorce.
23:49Seems like you've thought of everything.
23:51I have.
23:53Here's the watch I was going to give you
23:55as a wedding gift.
23:57Please wear it when we're together.
23:59Uh...
24:01Yes, it said forever yours.
24:03I scratched it out with a screwdriver.
24:09There's something else crudely carved here.
24:13Ah, well,
24:15at least you were able to use that F from forever.
24:21Maybe it's not going to be so bad after all.
24:23She just gave him a watch.
24:25Isn't this all too typical?
24:29Niles leaves his wife for another woman,
24:31he gets a gift.
24:33If I try to do the right thing, I get Mr. Chump and lawsuit.
24:37Frazier,
24:39I know you thought it was for the best,
24:41but I told you not to go see Donnie, didn't I?
24:43Yes, you did.
24:45But you went down there anyway, didn't you?
24:47Yes, I did.
24:49I told you not to screw around with lawyers, didn't I?
24:51All right, then.
24:53I told him not to go down there.
24:55Yes, I did.
24:57All right, there she goes.
25:01So, Niles?
25:03Ah, well,
25:05all things considered, not so bad.
25:07In exchange for a neat
25:09and tidy divorce,
25:11all I have to do is play the doting husband
25:13at some
25:15social functions
25:17for a few weeks.
25:19Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
25:21What kind of social functions?
25:23Well, for instance, tonight
25:25is our wedding reception.
25:29Dear God!
25:31Well,
25:33since we eloped, some of Niles'
25:35colleagues decided to
25:37throw a little last-minute
25:39get-together to toast our nuptials.
25:41Well,
25:43after Donnie gets through with Frazier,
25:45you won't be the only one having your nuptials toasted.
25:55Do you mean to me again how you and Mel
25:57masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
25:59Well,
26:01if I may, Daphne,
26:03it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room
26:05so she can get out of this debacle
26:07with her dignity intact.
26:09And what about Niles' dignity?
26:11Well, Mary's got that in a divorce.
26:13Ah, sorry.
26:15Would you like some sherry?
26:17Ah, yes, thanks.
26:19Daphne?
26:21Yeah, all right, I'll get you a precious wedge of brie
26:23and your water crackers.
26:25No, I meant,
26:27would you like some sherry?
26:29Oh,
26:31love some, thanks.
26:33Listen, Daphne,
26:35I know this is all very awkward,
26:37but if it speeds up the divorce process
26:39and avoids the misery I went through
26:41with Maris, isn't it worth it?
26:43Well, I...
26:45Oh, come on, schnookums, we can get through this together.
26:47What do you say?
26:49What did you just call me?
26:51Schnookums.
26:53Schnookums?
26:55It was an attempt at a pet name.
26:57Well, if it's all the same to you,
26:59can we keep looking?
27:01Absolutely.
27:03There's no rush whatsoever.
27:05Truffles.
27:07It's the chocolate,
27:09not the fungus.
27:13It's a work in progress.
27:15Yes.
27:19Here it is.
27:21To better days.
27:23For all of us.
27:27Eli, what happened to you?
27:29Well,
27:31I went down to talk to Donny,
27:33try to convince him to drop his lawsuit against you.
27:35Instead, he's now
27:37suing me as well for the part I played
27:39in getting you two together.
27:41I am so sorry, Dr. Crane.
27:43This is turning into such a horrible mess.
27:45Not that I expected it
27:47to be a bed of roses, mind you,
27:49but it's gotten so you wonder
27:51what god-awful calamity is going to befall us all next.
27:59Something smells
28:01in your elevator.
28:05Oh,
28:07it smells in here too.
28:09I'm beginning to think
28:11this is not such a
28:13ritzy building after all.
28:17Did you get my wedding gifts
28:19down to the post?
28:21As we speak, they are winging away towards
28:23their rightful owners.
28:25Thank you, Simon.
28:27In a totally unrelated matter,
28:29I am pleased to announce
28:31that the Winnebago
28:33is now equipped with a state-of-the-art
28:35DVD
28:37complete with Sriracha.
28:41I don't believe this.
28:43Tonight's feature is Braveheart
28:45starring Australia's favorite son,
28:47Mr. Mel Gibson.
28:49Showtime is at 8 sharp.
28:51Everyone is invited.
28:55As tempting as that sounds, I have a date.
28:57Miles is taking me to dinner
28:59and dancing.
29:01At least this day will end on a high note.
29:03I guess I can't avoid telling you this any longer.
29:05I just want you to know
29:07I'm attending this wedding reception
29:09under protest.
29:11Wedding reception?
29:13Thanks, Dad.
29:15Yeah, well, you know, those social obligations
29:17I was talking about, one of them is tonight.
29:19A wedding reception?
29:21For you and Mel?
29:23It's at the Equestrian Center.
29:25It's nothing major. It's very impromptu.
29:27Champagne, cake, we pet the horses.
29:29We're out of there by 11.
29:31Well, what about our...
29:33Look at the time. I'm sorry, Daphne,
29:35but we've got to get across town in an hour.
29:37You'd better get home and get changed.
29:39Oh, don't forget to wear that watch Mel gave you.
29:41Watch?
29:43Thanks again, Dad.
29:45I can explain that.
29:47I can explain everything tomorrow.
29:49It's just a 24-hour delay.
29:51I switched all the reservations.
29:53Dining, dancing, everything.
29:55I promise I will make it up to you, Pookie.
29:59Even I hate that one.
30:05What about our date?
30:07No, no, no, Daphne.
30:09Don't cry, don't cry.
30:11It's all right.
30:15This sounds like a job for Braveheart.
30:27Don't look now,
30:29but there's a guy over there in a bowtie
30:31who's been checking me out for the last 20 minutes.
30:35Oh.
30:37He's one of my colleagues. I met him earlier.
30:39What's he keep staring at me for?
30:41Well, he's a plastic surgeon.
30:45Maybe he's looking at your eyelids
30:47and planning his next trip to Maui.
30:53Good Lord.
30:55Look at him, overacting.
30:57Trying to convince everybody
30:59he's happily married.
31:01Have you ever seen anything so pathetic
31:03in your life?
31:05No.
31:07It was a rhetorical question.
31:13Niles, I'd like you to meet
31:15Adriana Pettibone.
31:17Adriana Stables.
31:19General Prescott, our current Grand Champion,
31:21right here at the Equestrian Club.
31:23Wonderful.
31:25Speaking of Grand Champions,
31:27how about this little filly?
31:29I didn't even have to check her teeth.
31:31Oh.
31:35Ross?
31:37What are you doing?
31:39I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.
31:41Well, I'm here.
31:43Congratulations
31:45on all that BS. Where's the bar?
31:49Ross, what are you doing here?
31:51I invited her. Your side of the guest list
31:53looked a little sparse.
31:55Well, forgive me if I'm not in the spirit
31:57of this wink-wink happy occasion.
31:59But I'm in a very crappy mood.
32:01Were you limping?
32:03I twisted my ankle on the stairs.
32:05And you know how that happened?
32:07I couldn't find the shoes that went with this dresser.
32:09I had to wear these stupid three-inch spikes.
32:11And the check engine light on my dash keeps coming on.
32:13What does that have to do with your ankle?
32:15Nothing! It just really ticks me off!
32:17The bar!
32:19The bar! Thank you.
32:23That was so sweet of her to come.
32:25Niles.
32:29This is important.
32:31We're at the honeymoon.
32:33We're flying to Paris.
32:35Then we're taking the Orient Express to Venice,
32:37where we'll spend two weeks
32:39at the Mansarda Palazzetto suite
32:41at the Cibriani.
32:45What's the matter?
32:49Sounds like a wonderful trip.
32:51It's not my fault we're not going.
32:55Ah, here's the happy couple.
32:57All right, you two.
32:59Show me those pearly whites.
33:03All right, now how about a kiss?
33:05Oh, well, all right.
33:07I hardly know you, but...
33:17Here we go.
33:19Come on, Doc.
33:21This is your wife, not mine.
33:35I'll go check on Dad and Frasier.
33:37Yes, they do make a lovely couple.
33:39Don't they?
33:41I'm sure they'll be happy together
33:43for many years.
33:45Well, you never know.
33:49Dad?
33:51Well, you don't, do you?
33:53I mean, I'm just saying you never know.
33:55No, I...
33:57I guess you don't.
33:59Lovely talking with you.
34:01Enjoy the party.
34:03What the hell's wrong with you?
34:07In a few weeks, I'm going to look like a genius.
34:13Well, I feel really stupid.
34:15I just came on to the guy in the tux.
34:17They really should make waiters wear name tags.
34:19Oh, yes, Ross. Carrying trays and taking
34:21drink orders leaves so much room for ambiguity.
34:23Shut up.
34:25Well, well, I...
34:27I think it's going pretty well, don't you?
34:29Do you think anyone's suspicious?
34:31No, it was the greatest phony reception I've ever been to.
34:33So, how are you holding up, son?
34:35Oh, well, if I have to stretch
34:37my muscles into a smile one more time,
34:39I think my face may crack.
34:41Niles?
34:43Yes, darling!
34:45It's time to get the cake,
34:47so, um, why don't you just
34:49gather everyone around?
34:51Okay.
34:53I'm sorry, I need to borrow
34:55Frazer for just one moment.
34:57Sure.
34:59Uh, Frazer,
35:01I had an interesting little phone call
35:03from Donnie this afternoon.
35:05Oh?
35:07Yes, he said you'd been by to see him
35:09earlier today.
35:11I may have done so.
35:13Yes, he said you were a busy
35:15little bee before the wedding,
35:17first buzzing in Niles' ear,
35:19and then you were buzzing in Daphne's ear.
35:21Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
35:23Buzz, buzz, buzzing.
35:25Stop that, please!
35:27You see, I've been torturing myself
35:29trying to figure out how this all happened
35:31so quickly, and now I know I won't
35:33forget this.
35:37What was that all about?
35:39Donnie talked to Mel.
35:41Told her not to go down there.
35:43Oh, yes!
35:45Attention, everyone.
35:47Before we cut the cake,
35:49my brother, Frazer,
35:51would like to make a toast
35:53in our honor.
35:55I didn't know you were doing this.
35:57Neither did I.
36:03Well, uh,
36:05love
36:11is an awesome
36:13force.
36:15It can make us
36:17do things we never imagined were possible.
36:19For, you see,
36:21we don't actually
36:23choose love.
36:25It chooses us.
36:27And once it has, we are
36:29powerless
36:31to do anything about it.
36:35Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me
36:37in toasting my
36:39brother
36:41and the love of his life.
36:43For she is truly
36:45the woman of his dreams,
36:47and my father and I couldn't be more
36:49thrilled with his choice.
36:51To the happy
36:53couple!
36:55Thank you so much.
36:57Well,
36:59wasn't
37:01that clever of your brother?
37:03It's only too bad
37:05your little English muffin
37:07wasn't here to enjoy it as well.
37:09Which reminds me,
37:11you do realize that
37:13while we are pretending to be married,
37:15you absolutely
37:17cannot be seen in public
37:19with Daphne.
37:23I love you
37:25too, honey.
37:27LAUGHTER
37:41Hello!
37:45Hello! Is anybody home?
37:47No, Simon.
37:49Just making coffee. You want some?
37:51Oh, I was thinking of something
37:53colder with a bit more of an
37:55amber hue.
37:57Beer?
37:59Brilliant!
38:01If you aren't
38:03the finest detective in Seattle,
38:05I am the Prince of Wales.
38:07How did
38:09Eddie like his walk?
38:13LAUGHTER
38:19Little nipper loved it.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:23I think nature's calling
38:25him again. His bladder's worse
38:27than mine. I'll be back
38:29in a flash.
38:31OK.
38:33Was that Simon's voice I heard just now?
38:35Yeah, it just took Eddie on a walk for me.
38:37Well, about time
38:39that chowderhead made himself useful.
38:41Oh, don't be so hard on him.
38:43He tries.
38:45Well, if you're talking about my patience,
38:47he certainly does.
38:51Oh!
38:53Niles, come on in.
38:55Oh, hey, Dad,
38:57about a block from here I saw a dog
38:59that looked remarkably like Eddie tied up
39:01outside a bar.
39:03Impossible.
39:05He was just here.
39:07LAUGHTER
39:09So, uh,
39:11did you say anything to her?
39:13No, no, you told us not to.
39:15You want us out of here when you drop the hammer?
39:17No, I think I'll be safer with witnesses.
39:19Niles, I didn't hear you come in.
39:21I just got here.
39:23Hey.
39:25LAUGHTER
39:27How were you today?
39:29Wonderful.
39:31I realise that postponing
39:33our date one day doesn't really
39:35amount to much in the great scheme of things.
39:37So how was your
39:39wedding reception?
39:41Oh, it was your average night in hell.
39:43LAUGHTER
39:45Well, that's behind us now.
39:47We have a wonderful evening
39:49to look forward to.
39:51I've bought a new dress.
39:53It's much too expensive,
39:55but you're worth it.
39:57And I'm getting my hair done and...
39:59Why are you looking at each other like that?
40:01LAUGHTER
40:03We're not looking at each other like that.
40:05Like what?
40:07Like anything.
40:09Yes, you were.
40:11Those darty little glances mean something's up, Niles.
40:13About tonight?
40:15I hate the way this is starting.
40:17Mel feels that
40:19as long as she and I are acting like we're married,
40:23you and I can't be seen
40:25together in public.
40:27So that means...
40:29I know what that means.
40:31But it's just until the divorce.
40:33Whenever that bloody is.
40:35If you'll excuse me, I have a splitting headache.
40:37You know,
40:39if you look at it from Mel's point of view,
40:41it really does make a lot of sense.
40:45It came so close.
40:47LAUGHTER
40:49What did you say?
40:51I said, damn that Mel.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:57No, you didn't.
40:59You should have, but you didn't.
41:01Sounded to me like you were taking her side.
41:03All right, all right, all right.
41:05Can we just turn the clock back two minutes
41:07and pretend this conversation never happened?
41:09Why don't we just turn it back to ten minutes before my wedding
41:11and save everybody all this trouble?
41:13What are you saying?
41:15What do you think I'm saying?
41:17Sounds like you're saying
41:19you're sorry you did this.
41:21Maybe that's what I'm saying.
41:23Now, listen, before anybody says something,
41:25they'll regret it.
41:27Butt out!
41:29If you hadn't opened your big mouth,
41:31we wouldn't be in this mess.
41:33Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight
41:35and I wouldn't be out two weeks' salary
41:37for a new dress I'm apparently never going to wear
41:39and you wouldn't be kowtowing
41:41This is all my fault!
41:43Oh, shut up, Frasier!
41:47The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence
41:49is your big fat head!
41:55I am wounded!
41:59I intervened only out of love
42:01and caring about the two people
42:03who lost the war!
42:05Oh, what a suckin' it!
42:07I am sick of listening to you yammering on
42:09about everything under the sun!
42:11And I'm sick of listening to you too!
42:13You got anything to say, old man?
42:15Good!
42:29I'm waiting!
42:35For what?
42:37An apology?
42:39For that
42:41unprovoked broadside
42:43you leveled at me?
42:45You expect me to apologize
42:47to you?
42:49Expect it, sir, and demand it!
42:51Well, then here's my answer.
42:53No!
42:55No!
42:57No!
42:59And furthermore, why don't you
43:01take your broadside,
43:03stuff it in a chair,
43:05and give your unlimited supply
43:07of opinions, suggestions,
43:09proposals, and recommendations
43:11to yourself?
43:13Well, I never!
43:15No, you always!
43:17Get out!
43:23How's the corned beef sandwich, sir?
43:29I am appalled.
43:31Well, no problem.
43:33I return.
43:43What is my offense?
43:45What egregious
43:47sin have I committed
43:49that I should be so maligned?
43:53Was I to just sit
43:55idly by and watch these two
43:57misguided souls embark
43:59on doomed relationships?
44:01Would they have thanked me
44:03for that?
44:05Not very likely, I dare say.
44:07Remove the mustard.
44:09Top shelf cure.
44:11Bingo.
44:13And then, when they were
44:15perched on the very brink
44:17of disaster,
44:19I snatched them from the gaping
44:21moor and placed them gently
44:23into one another's arms.
44:25But am I accorded
44:27a hero's welcome for my troubles?
44:29Or am I hoisted on their shoulders
44:31and paraded about the room?
44:33Put on my glasses. What's the expiration date?
44:35Last week.
44:37I'll check, sir.
44:39No!
44:41Those
44:43two ingrates turn on me
44:45like vipers and make me
44:47the villain of the piece!
44:49Well, hear me now.
44:51From this day forward,
44:53Frasier Crane will not
44:55interfere with those two.
44:57This is it.
44:59Finished.
45:01Finito.
45:03Nunquam postella.
45:05Uh-huh.
45:07I know I've made declarations like this before,
45:09but I tell you what, Dad, you mark
45:11the calendar.
45:13You note the time on your watch.
45:15This
45:17is
45:19it!
45:21Well, if you
45:23figure out a way to get them back together,
45:25I'll be in my room if you need any help.
45:27Have you been listening to me?
45:29Well, I tried not to, but some of us
45:31still got through.
45:43Hello, Dr. Crane.
45:47Daphne.
45:49Making yourself
45:51a sandwich?
45:53Yes, I did.
45:55Hope you didn't use the mayonnaise.
45:57I meant to throw it out.
45:59Seen a bit worse.
46:01I see.
46:03Remember when he dropped his hot dog
46:05at the petting zoo?
46:09Oh, Dr. Crane,
46:11I'm so sorry I said those things
46:13about you. I didn't mean them.
46:15Oh, I know, Daphne. Come here.
46:19I guess this all finally came
46:21down on me.
46:23I know, it's perfectly understandable.
46:25Listen,
46:27I know you can't go out on your date
46:29with Niles tonight, but what's to stop two friends
46:31from going out to dinner?
46:33My treat.
46:35You can even wear that new dress of yours.
46:37Oh, thank you.
46:39That's a lovely offer, but
46:41I think I'll just stay home
46:43tonight, have a quiet night.
46:45I understand.
46:49I'm sure he won't change his mind.
46:51Positive.
46:53Hello, all.
46:57My quarry friend and I have just
46:59concluded our daily
47:01constitutional, with
47:03young Edward here dropping
47:05a few amendments along the way.
47:09So what's on
47:11the docket tonight, then?
47:13All I want is a quiet night at home.
47:15Oh, Stilts, you and I
47:17are of one mind.
47:19I'll hoist a beer when you get
47:21dinner started, and when our
47:23bellies are full and you've done
47:25the dishes, we will
47:27adjourn to the Winnebago
47:29where Mr.
47:31Jean-Claude Van Damme,
47:33the muscles from Brussels,
47:35will ply his trade
47:37against the forces of evil.
47:39Ready
47:41and ate? Make it 7.30.
47:47Good idea, Dad.
47:49Evening out, just the two of us.
47:51I had no idea you enjoyed the
47:53Natural History Museum. Oh, sure.
47:55And that documentary on the rainforest is
47:57supposed to be great. That's what I hear.
47:59Hope it has pygmies.
48:01I like pygmies.
48:03I know you do.
48:07So, uh, where's, um...
48:09Oh, she went out with Frasier to a
48:11restaurant for dinner. Ah.
48:13She happened to ask
48:15about the... Sorry.
48:25Dad, we're going up.
48:27Oh, God. Oh.
48:29I'm sorry. Well, we'll just have
48:31to take the long way.
48:35Why do you like pygmies
48:37so much?
48:41They're short and they blow darts.
48:43What's not to like?
48:49Come on! Come on up here!
48:51What could possibly be so important
48:53for me to see up here? The guy in
48:551708 got some homing pigeons.
48:57He built a coop up here for them.
48:59Pigeons? I don't like pigeons.
49:01They have no respect for public art.
49:05Trust me, you're gonna like this.
49:07Dad, I don't think
49:09I handled things very well today.
49:11Do you think Daphne will ever forgive me?
49:15Why don't you ask her for yourself?
49:27Your table is ready, sir.
49:33You look stunning.
49:37You look dashing.
49:39I trust this will be to your
49:41liking.
49:43Everything is to my liking.
49:45Looks like we're
49:47having that first date after all.
49:49You went to so much
49:51trouble. It wasn't me.
49:53It was your brother.
49:55Well, you know me.
49:57I hate to butt in.
49:59Oh.
50:03I planned to take Daphne to dinner
50:05and suddenly inspiration struck.
50:07Since you
50:09two couldn't go to Opé du Cochon this
50:11evening, my faithful companion
50:13and I
50:15would bring it to you
50:17courtesy of their catering.
50:19If dancing at the Starlight Room
50:21was impossible,
50:23we'd give you the real thing.
50:27It's all
50:29so overwhelming.
50:31I don't know what to say.
50:33You even got that man to move his
50:35pigeons.
50:39There were no pigeons.
50:41Oh.
50:43How can we ever
50:45thank you two? Just have a beautiful
50:47evening. I think we can do that.
50:51Fraser, listen. Apology accepted,
50:53Niall.
50:55Oh, just remember to give the lingonberry
50:57sauce a little stir.
50:59Figure it out.
51:01Right.
51:05Daphne, about today...
51:07Let's just forget about that.
51:09Why don't we start from here?
51:11I would love that.
51:15To us.
51:17To us.
51:35I'm usually so nervous
51:37on a first date,
51:39but not tonight.
51:43Would you like to dance?
51:45Oh, I'd love to.
52:01So where are you from?
52:03Manchester, England.
52:05Oh, my.
52:07Big family?
52:09Hideously.
52:11And you?
52:13Uh, I'm from a small mountain village
52:15in Tibet.
52:17Tenzing Norgay used to
52:19carry me to school.
52:21You know what I've always wondered?
52:25I think I can guess.
52:33Hey, baby, I hear
52:35the blues are calling
52:37tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
52:39Quite stylish.
52:41And maybe I seem
52:43a bit confused.
52:45Yeah, maybe.
52:47But I got you, pegs.
52:51But I don't know what to do
52:53with those tossed salads
52:55and scrambled eggs.
52:59They're calling again.
53:01They're calling again.
53:05Scrambled eggs all over my face.
53:07What is the point of you?
53:13Good night, everybody!