Nearest And Dearest. S05, E04. A Man And A Woman.

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The phrase "nearest and dearest" often evokes a sense of warmth, family, and close relationships. It's a term that brings to mind the people we hold closest to our hearts—our family, friends, and loved ones. However, in the context of British television, "Nearest and Dearest" takes on a different meaning, referring to a classic sitcom that captured the hearts of many.

"Nearest and Dearest" was a British television sitcom that aired from 1968 to 1973. The show starred Hylda Baker and Jimmy Jewel as Nellie and Eli Pledge, siblings who inherit their father's pickle business in Colne, Lancashire. The series was known for its humor derived from the characters' squabbles, malapropisms, and the unique dynamics of a family-run business.

The premise of the show was simple yet effective: Nellie, a hard-working spinster, and Eli, a womanizing slacker, must run the family business together to inherit their father's fortune. This setup led to comedic situations and memorable catchphrases that are still recognized by fans of classic British comedy.

Despite the on-screen chemistry between Baker and Jewel, it was widely reported that the two did not get along off-screen, adding a layer of intrigue to the show's history. Their tumultuous relationship is often cited as one of the most toxic in British sitcom history.

"Nearest and Dearest" also serves as a cultural touchstone, reflecting the era's social norms and the changing landscape of British comedy. It's a show that, while rooted in the 1960s and 70s, continues to find new audiences who appreciate its wit and charm.

For those who grew up watching "Nearest and Dearest," the show remains a nostalgic reminder of a bygone era of television. And for newcomers, it offers a glimpse into the rich tapestry of British humor and the timeless appeal of family dynamics in storytelling.

Whether you're revisiting the series or discovering it for the first time, "Nearest and Dearest" stands as a testament to the enduring nature of well-crafted comedy and the universal themes of family and ambition. It's a piece of television history that continues to be nearest and dearest to many viewers' hearts.

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Fun
Transcript
00:00Hey, where's that big puff?
00:29You what?
00:30That big puff you brought on from Ashton Market.
00:33No, that's not a puff, that's a poof.
00:39A puff's something, well, it's different altogether.
00:42I don't care what it is, I want to stand on it.
00:48That's a better view.
00:58Not from here, it ain't.
00:59Hey, what the hell are you gawping at?
01:02I'm, er, just seeing what his cobs are like.
01:07You what?
01:08Well, I mean, if he's going to serve me regularly, I want to be, make sure they're as good as
01:12the last fellas.
01:13Oh, I see, you mean New Colman?
01:15Yeah.
01:16Hey, what happened to the other fella?
01:17Oh, he dropped dead on the job.
01:19Very sad.
01:21He kept all the women happy for 50 years round here.
01:24Yes, he had a lovely funeral.
01:27Before the Old Colman and the district came to it.
01:29Yes, well, I remember now, yes, they were all, all the mourners were in Spread Eagle
01:34afterwards.
01:35They wore white armbands.
01:36And the parth and he didn't say, he didn't say ashes to ashes, you know, he said nutty
01:40slack to nutty slack.
01:43Yeah, well, they, er, they say after the last hymn, they all stood up and they sang,
01:50Keep the home fires burning.
01:54Very moving.
01:56Now, I see what you've done.
01:57What?
01:58I haven't noticed how many bags he's put in.
02:00Oh.
02:01Oh, look, and look at what time it is.
02:03It's half past, oh, I must get a little hand put on this one.
02:07I'm expecting our Lily back any minute.
02:09Oh, where's she been to?
02:11Monte Carlo Bingo Festival.
02:12That's what she always like, you big girl's blouse.
02:14She's been to London.
02:17She got a free trip.
02:18You see, she won first prize in that women's magazine knitting competition.
02:24I thought Walter did all the knitting in their house.
02:26Yeah, he does, but, er, she didn't let on.
02:29She just sent a pair of Walter's socks.
02:32Nobody else had a smell in.
02:35I'm, er, I'm not surprised.
02:37Hey, what did she do with Walter while she was away in London?
02:41Put him in, er, in the kennels?
02:43No, she couldn't do it, he's not house trained, is he?
02:46She left him to defend for himself.
02:49With only me going in on the hour, every half hour.
02:53Who is me?
02:57Bloody hell.
02:59What, er, what do you think you are, such thoroughly modern Lily?
03:05Oh, you do look different.
03:08I thought when you came in you were that Barbara Cartos.
03:13It's just a little something I picked up in the King's Road, Chelsea.
03:17Oh, when nobody were looking, I should imagine.
03:22Oh, is that what they call the new brazier, Luke?
03:26It would be, but bloody fire's gone out.
03:30Well, I can't see anything.
03:32That's because there's nothing to see.
03:34It's the modern way, though, isn't it?
03:36I mean, to tell you the truth, I don't see nothing wrong with it.
03:42So, are you going to tell us all about it?
03:46Well, yes, I will.
03:48Well, if you want to know all about it...
03:51Oh, don't worry about me.
03:53If Lily's going to take lead off London, I'm going to take lead off a pint.
03:56Hey, I bet the most exciting thing that happened to her
03:59was when she went to Madame Tussauds and got chatted up by Dr Crippin.
04:02And that was only because she was a home sick for Walter.
04:06Well, that's where he's wrong, isn't it?
04:08How do you mean, Lily, love?
04:10Well, there was this fella, like this escort.
04:13Oh, hey.
04:15And did he take you to see the sights?
04:19I believe there's sights to be seen
04:21that shouldn't be seen
04:23because they're obscene.
04:26If you know what I mean.
04:30Did you see any?
04:32What are you getting at?
04:34I mean, did you see any shows?
04:36Well, I saw one show.
04:38Oh, what was that?
04:40Well, if you must know, it was...
04:42Oh, cow putter.
04:44Not that.
04:46Oh, how annoying.
04:48Oh, well, didn't I read in the newspaper
04:50that's the one with all that...
04:52frunkle rudity.
04:55Well, all I can say, Nellie, is it's all my eyes.
04:58The things I've never seen before.
05:01And knowing your Walter, you may never see again.
05:06Hey, Nellie.
05:07Yeah?
05:08You know that new coalman of ours?
05:09Huh?
05:10He's a mate of mine.
05:11Is he?
05:12He used to be chucked out at Starlet Room at Pussyworking Men's Club.
05:14I didn't know you were a member of that.
05:17Well, that's why he chucked me out.
05:19Sailed on, feelings, eh?
05:23He's a right lad, this, you know.
05:25Not only is he loose forward in rugby league,
05:27he's a champion weightlifter as well.
05:29Hey!
05:33Hey!
05:34Hey!
05:35Hey!
05:38That is his snatch.
05:40Is it?
05:41Yeah, snatch of Stalin.
05:42I'd like you to meet my sister, Nellie.
05:44How do you do?
05:46Nice to meet you, Miss Bludge.
05:47Nice to meet you too, Mr Smelling.
05:52And that over there, that's our Lily.
05:54That's Cone's answer to Carnaby Street.
05:56She's just come back from London.
05:58How do you do?
06:00Oh, you aren't half strong.
06:03Have you got a poker?
06:06Oh, not on me.
06:09This will do here.
06:12Hop!
06:13Hop!
06:16Hop!
06:19Hey, shut up.
06:20That's our best poker.
06:22That's not that poker for poking with.
06:24That's the poker for showing off with.
06:28He can't do that.
06:29He's just done it.
06:31Well, he's not getting away with it.
06:32Hey, come on.
06:33Come here.
06:34And shut up.
06:35How are you?
06:36You're very likely to thread it through your bloody nose.
06:38Hop!
06:40Hop!
06:46I bet you've never seen anything like that.
06:50I certainly haven't.
06:53You know, I get down there quite often myself.
06:56Oh, you must have a big coal round.
07:00No, no.
07:01I just fill the coal cart with diesel and get away with the getaway people.
07:07Hey, down at Coalyard, you know, they call him Easy Rider.
07:11Have you counted the bugs?
07:12No.
07:13You can trust him.
07:14He's a mate of mine.
07:16That's what I'm thinking about.
07:17I can't.
07:18I'll go and count the bugs.
07:19Here.
07:20You keep your eye on the black and white minstrel show.
07:24Well, others like him to have my pint, yeah?
07:27Bloody hell.
07:28Hey, Snatcher, I'll see you down at the pub after Nelly's paid you for coal, eh?
07:32We'll set the town on fire.
07:35Keep taking the tablet.
07:37Mr Snelling.
07:38Just call me Snatcher.
07:40I wonder if you could do me a little favour.
07:43Any time.
07:44What would you like?
07:45Like Derby Brights or Welsh Nuts?
07:48Well, I'm not for sale.
07:50As a matter of fact, it's not just coal I'm after.
07:54It's something more physical.
07:57Well, you've come to the right fella, haven't you?
07:58Shall we take your place tomorrow?
08:00Come on, Snatcher.
08:01That suits you.
08:05Fast cat.
08:07I've only to be out of her sight five minutes.
08:09She's got his fingerprints all over her.
08:12Now, she's... Walter's not good enough for her.
08:15She wants a fella.
08:27Can you see anything, Nelly?
08:29No, it's gone all dark.
08:31I can't see anything.
08:33You not need knackered old horsebag.
08:36You've got end on it.
08:37Go and take that off, look.
08:39Silly me.
08:42I still say you've no right poking your nose into their business.
08:45And I say I've every right.
08:47Marriages were made in heaven.
08:49And it looks like our Lily's is going to hell.
08:53And you think that Snatcher's her stoker.
08:56What he doesn't know is, while I'm watching her front,
08:59I've got Stan watching her back.
09:04He said he's seen some very funny things already.
09:08Such as what?
09:10Three deliveries of nutty slack in one day.
09:15The coal hole is overflowing.
09:18They've got that much coal in their backyard,
09:20you'd think Lord Robbins lived there.
09:24What the hell's wrong with that?
09:26Well, for the last three years,
09:30they've been smokeless.
09:33What's happening?
09:38What are you feeling my head for?
09:40It's you that wants your bumps felt.
09:42Just a minute.
09:44That's a good clue.
09:45I'd say that's Mr. Eli.
09:48What the hell have you come up like that for?
09:51I'm you and Lily's private eyeball.
09:55You know, a detective.
09:57If you ask me, you're bloody defective.
09:59Hey, I took my glasses off and I put this on
10:02so they won't recognise me.
10:06Let me disguise myself, Nelly.
10:09Hey, she's over here, you four-eyed old twat.
10:12You wanted a bloody hand, you sent out a tri-pound.
10:16Well, have you anything to report?
10:18Oh, I've got my notes here.
10:24It's no good, I can't read them without my glasses.
10:28Here, try this, look.
10:35At 12.31, I was proceeding along Brick Street
10:42in an orderly direction
10:45when something happened.
10:47What?
10:48I walked into a lamp post.
10:52Oh, shut up, you toothless gumboil.
10:55Give me me stethoscope and get going.
10:58Oh, hey.
11:00What?
11:01I can see him, he's there.
11:02He's come to the window.
11:03He's what?
11:04He's taken his shirt off, I think.
11:06I'll have to make a batter.
11:11Yes.
11:12He has taken his shirt off.
11:13Hey, let's have a look.
11:15Hey, Nelly.
11:17You know, I've got a big tattoo on his chest.
11:19You are?
11:21Ooh, what a tattoo.
11:24Ooh, what a tattoo.
11:28Ooh, it's like a little angel
11:31sitting on a fluffy cloud.
11:34Ooh, and there's a beautiful bird of paradise
11:38floating or flying around
11:40with a long tail
11:42going like a little curlicue
11:44down, down, down.
11:49The dirty devil.
11:51Hey, let's have a look.
11:53Hey, how about that bloody tail tickles?
11:57Well, what are you staring at, you nosy lot?
12:00Can't somebody have a bit in privacy?
12:03Hey, you mean a bit of privacy.
12:07I know what I mean.
12:10Let us evaporate this place
12:12before we become infested.
12:14Come.
12:22There's only one thing to do.
12:41Somebody's got to get hold of that snatcher
12:43and break it off.
12:46I'm not able to sleep at night
12:48for thinking about our poor Walter
12:50being twice-timed.
12:51She must be using pumice stone
12:52to get smudges off.
12:54Anyway, it's only passing fancy, probably.
12:56Passing fancy?
12:57She's insaturated with him.
13:01He seems to have made a big impression on her.
13:05I think I'll phone him up.
13:08Oh, la, la, la, la, la.
13:10What do you mean, oh, la, la, la, la?
13:13I'm just going to talk to him
13:14about my order.
13:15What, you're going to cancel it?
13:17No, I'm going to double it.
13:20Oh, what are you doing that for?
13:22Well, there's going to be
13:23a fuel shortage this winter.
13:25How the hell do you know that?
13:27Well, it stands to sense.
13:29All the coal will be at our Lily's.
13:33Look, if you're so worried about it,
13:35why don't you go and tell Walter all about it?
13:37Oh, I can't do that.
13:38I mean, blood might be spilt.
13:40Not Walter's. He hasn't got any.
13:42He might go berserk.
13:44You haven't seen Walter roused.
13:47No.
13:48Neither has Lily.
13:50She's in the bloody trouble.
13:53No, I'm not going to say anything to Walter.
13:58I'm going to tell our Lily to stop it off.
14:04He's back. Mission impossible.
14:07What the hell are you doing up for this time?
14:09Well, isn't it obvious, Mr Eli?
14:12I'm getting full set on.
14:14I'm a Yankee tourist.
14:17Oh, I can tell by your accent.
14:20Well, have you got the discriminating pictures?
14:22No, Miss Nelly.
14:24Every time I've got bedroom window in focus,
14:27me glasses steamed up.
14:32I don't know what the hell we're going to do.
14:34No.
14:35Hey, hey, could we do like the real detectives do?
14:38Put a bug in the house.
14:40I reckon they've got enough bugs in that house already.
14:44Now, I've got an idea.
14:46What's that, Miss Nelly?
14:47Some of us talk to him man to man.
14:50Well, off you go then, Nelly.
14:52What are you talking about?
14:54Your big girl's blouse, not me.
14:56You.
14:57Me?
14:58Yeah.
14:59You've got to talk to him face to face.
15:01Oh, I won't talk to him back to back.
15:03Besides, it's me legs.
15:04What's wrong with your legs?
15:05They keep running away.
15:08I don't expect you to do it on your own.
15:10And what you need is someone to give you immoral support.
15:15Who?
15:16You.
15:17Him?
15:18Yeah.
15:20Passed.
15:21Anonymously.
15:23Go on, get going.
15:32Aurelia's not back yet.
15:35I must have been putting that snatcher through it.
15:41What the hell incarnation's that?
15:44Who?
15:45Who's that?
15:46You said that before.
15:48Hey, if you're a courting couple, you're going to go next door.
15:53And go in the chippy doorhole.
15:55I've just donkey-stormed that step.
15:58Oh, I'll soon see to this lot.
16:04Nelly, Nelly, you daft dog.
16:06It's me, Eli.
16:07Oh, Eli.
16:08Oh, what are you doing in there?
16:10Trying to get out, you daft old bat.
16:12Oh, just a minute.
16:13I'll try my best to get it undone.
16:16Get it undone, then.
16:17Well, whatever happened.
16:21It's him in there.
16:22It's his flaming fault.
16:24Do you think we should get him out?
16:25No, I'll fire a boula to that thing and fling it in Rochdale Canal.
16:30Hey, he won't come out.
16:31I should think he won't after what he's done.
16:33Come out of there, you deenie.
16:34Come on.
16:38Oh, hello Miss Nelly.
16:39Is it morning or is it still last night?
16:43Well, what did you say to that?
16:46I was doing very nicely, thank you very much.
16:47I was putting me point, just like Malcolm Muggeridge, and not getting to it,
16:50when he had to put his bloody great clogs in it.
16:53And what did you say to the call, ma'am?
16:55Well, I thought I put it to him very politely.
16:58All I said was, if he didn't leave you and Nelly alone,
17:02Mr. Eli here had dealt him in the kisser with a knuckle booty.
17:08I thought I had his head bagged and when he said that, we were in the flaming bags.
17:12A couple of tater ashes.
17:14I'll have to get to grips with that snatcher meself,
17:17and get the bull by his horns.
17:24Almost the anointed hour.
17:27This could be a fatal meeting.
17:30I must remember to be more subtle with that snatcher than Stan was.
17:35Not to say anything that might be taken down and held against me.
17:42Oh, that you, Mr. Snelling?
17:45Ah, come in, Mr. Snelling.
17:47Thank you very much indeed, Miss Peter.
17:49I got the letter you pushed under my door.
17:51What was it you wanted to see me about so urgent?
17:54Oh, no. Did I say it was urgent?
17:56No, no, you didn't say it was urgent.
17:58What you did say was drop everything and get round here fast.
18:02Well, a mere fig leaf of speech.
18:07What I meant to say is, be soon.
18:10Well, be as soon as you possibly could be soon.
18:13But you are soon, are you?
18:16Won't you sit down?
18:17Thank you very much.
18:18Oh, no, not there.
18:20On that black chair there.
18:24What do you mean in your note when you said it was a matter of personal and intimate nature?
18:31Well, I'm glad you asked me that.
18:34Well, you see, do you care for a nibble at this time of day?
18:43What?
18:44A biscuit, Mr. Scratchit.
18:48Sir, thank you very much.
18:50Take a few.
18:52Oh, you have.
18:55Would you mind telling me what you wanted to see me about?
18:57Because I've a lot to get through today.
19:01Yes, I'm sure you have.
19:04Must be very tiring for you.
19:06I mean, carrying all that coal as well.
19:11As well as what?
19:13I mean, all those women, you know, you've got to tend to.
19:19Yes, well, of course, not many housewives are men.
19:26But lots of those housewives are married to their husbands.
19:32And vice versa.
19:35Yes, and vice isn't very nice.
19:40Well, I won't make mincemeat of words, but you and our Lily have been at it, haven't you?
19:51Well, I don't mind admitting that I've been trying to do her a good turn.
19:55And her a married woman.
19:58You bossing over you.
20:01There's all these single women about.
20:03You mean like you, Miss Blench?
20:04Yes, no, I mean like me.
20:07So you would like me to do the same to you as I've been doing for your Lily, eh?
20:12Well, I don't know, I mean, I bruise very easily.
20:17Right now, lie down.
20:20Not on our Nellie.
20:21On the seat, there we are.
20:23One, two, that's it, nice and relaxed now.
20:28Arms, arms down by your side, that's it.
20:31Wait a minute then.
20:33Ooh, aren't your hands cold?
20:36Bloody hell, it's Romeo and his juicy bit.
20:39Ooh, the fire's going out.
20:42I thought it was just flaring up.
20:44Hey, I've just come round to tell you that Snatchy's fancy woman's got a bit of a temper.
20:49I've just come round to tell you that Snatchy's fancy woman's on her way.
20:52Oh, there you are.
20:53I've been waiting round at my place for you.
20:55Well, she wanted me urgent.
20:57Eh? What does she want you for?
20:59Same as you by the look of it.
21:01Well, I don't think there's much you can do for her.
21:04Are you trying to say I'm not in full possession of my facilities?
21:09Our Nellie's got facilities she's never even bloody used yet.
21:13Well, I don't care, it's our day for Snatchy.
21:16No, no, it's not.
21:18I've done all I can for you.
21:20Now, it's up to Walter.
21:24Walter's going to be very disappointed at missing our little sessions.
21:29Don't tell me that Walter knows.
21:31Of course, we've been doing it specially for him.
21:36That's what comes of going to London and all those people exhibiting themselves to her, you see.
21:42It's gone to her little head.
21:44Oh, well, they're all at it in London, you know.
21:46What they call a ménage à trois.
21:48What?
21:50Ménage à trois, that's Latin.
21:52Yes, it means three in a menagerie, up to the monkey tricks.
21:56Well, if that's what you think, I'll show you.
21:59Walter!
22:06Look, what do you think of that?
22:08Same as I've always said, I think.
22:10It should have been destroyed by sanitary.
22:12Do you not think he looks different?
22:13Oh, he looks like he always looks different.
22:19Oh, you don't understand.
22:21Snatcher's been giving our Walter bodybuilding lessons.
22:25No, no, no.
22:27I may not be as green as I am cabbage-looking.
22:31Don't tell me that Mr Snatcher's been trying to make a Mr Universe out of your Walter.
22:39Oh, yes.
22:41Snatcher's very good at physical gymnastics.
22:43I bet he's never seen a physical jerk like Walter.
22:48Right, Walter, show him.
22:51Go on, Walter, do your thing.
22:53Go on.
22:57La da dum da dee da.
23:13What are you doing?
23:20Come on, Walter, cheer up.
23:22Hey, hey, now, he looks a little like a weasel.
23:24Get Walter back.
23:26Don't worry, he'll be back for the tea.
23:29Where?
23:31A week on Sunday.
23:33Don't talk to me, you daft old man.
23:43Walter!
23:45Walter!
23:47Walter!
23:49Walter!
23:51Walter!
23:53Walter!
23:55Walter!
23:57Walter!
23:59Walter!
24:01Walter!
24:03Walter!
24:05Walter!
24:07Walter!
24:09Walter!
24:11Walter!
24:13Walter!
24:15Walter!
24:17Walter!
24:19Walter!
24:21Walter!
24:23Walter!
24:25Walter!
24:27Walter!
24:29Walter!
24:31Walter!
24:33Walter!
24:35Walter!
24:37Walter!
24:39Walter!
24:41Walter!
24:43Walter!
24:45Walter!
24:48Hey, where's that big puff?
24:51You what?
24:53That big puff you brought home from Ashton Market.
24:56No, that's not a puff. That's a poof!
25:01A puff's something, well, it's different altogether.
25:05I don't care what it is, I want to stand on it!
25:07That's a better view.
25:22Not for me, it isn't.
25:23Hey, what the hell are you gawping at?
25:26I'm just seeing what his cobs are like.
25:31You what?
25:32Well, I mean, if he's going to serve me regularly, I want to make sure they're as good as the
25:36last fellas.
25:37Oh, I see.
25:38You mean the old coal man?
25:39Yeah.
25:40Hey, what happened to the other fella?
25:41Oh, he dropped dead on the job.
25:42Very sad.
25:43He kept all the women happy for 50 years, round here.
25:44Yes, he had a lovely funeral.
25:45All the old coal men in the district came to it.
25:46Yes, well, I remember now.
25:47Yes, they were all...
25:48All the mourners weren't spread eagle afterwards.
25:49They wore white armbands.
25:50And the farson, he didn't say...
25:51He didn't say ashes to ashes, you know.
25:52He said nutty slag to nutty slag.
25:53Oh, I see.
25:54I see.
25:55I see.
25:56I see.
25:57I see.
25:58I see.
25:59I see.
26:00I see.
26:01I see.
26:02I see.
26:03I see.
26:04I see.
26:05I see.
26:06I see.
26:07I see.
26:08I see.
26:09I see.
26:10I see.
26:11I see.
26:12I see.
26:13I see.
26:14I see.
26:15I see.
26:16I see.
26:17I see.
26:18I see.
26:19I see.
26:20I see.
26:21I see.
26:22I see.
26:23I see.
26:24I see.
26:25I see.
26:26I see.
26:27I see.
26:28I see.
26:29I see.
26:30I see.
26:31I see.
26:32I see.
26:33I see.
26:34I see.
26:35I see.
26:36I see.
26:37I see.
26:38I see.
26:39I see.
26:40I see.
26:41I see.
26:42I see.
26:43I see.
26:44I see.
26:45I see.
26:46I see.
26:47I see.
26:48I see.
26:49I see.
26:50I see.
26:51I see.
26:52I see.
26:53I see.
26:54I see.
26:55I see.
26:56I see.
26:57I see.
26:58I see.
26:59I see.
27:00I see.
27:01I see.

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