The phrase "nearest and dearest" often evokes a sense of warmth, family, and close relationships. It's a term that brings to mind the people we hold closest to our hearts—our family, friends, and loved ones. However, in the context of British television, "Nearest and Dearest" takes on a different meaning, referring to a classic sitcom that captured the hearts of many.
"Nearest and Dearest" was a British television sitcom that aired from 1968 to 1973. The show starred Hylda Baker and Jimmy Jewel as Nellie and Eli Pledge, siblings who inherit their father's pickle business in Colne, Lancashire. The series was known for its humor derived from the characters' squabbles, malapropisms, and the unique dynamics of a family-run business.
The premise of the show was simple yet effective: Nellie, a hard-working spinster, and Eli, a womanizing slacker, must run the family business together to inherit their father's fortune. This setup led to comedic situations and memorable catchphrases that are still recognized by fans of classic British comedy.
Despite the on-screen chemistry between Baker and Jewel, it was widely reported that the two did not get along off-screen, adding a layer of intrigue to the show's history. Their tumultuous relationship is often cited as one of the most toxic in British sitcom history.
"Nearest and Dearest" also serves as a cultural touchstone, reflecting the era's social norms and the changing landscape of British comedy. It's a show that, while rooted in the 1960s and 70s, continues to find new audiences who appreciate its wit and charm.
For those who grew up watching "Nearest and Dearest," the show remains a nostalgic reminder of a bygone era of television. And for newcomers, it offers a glimpse into the rich tapestry of British humor and the timeless appeal of family dynamics in storytelling.
Whether you're revisiting the series or discovering it for the first time, "Nearest and Dearest" stands as a testament to the enduring nature of well-crafted comedy and the universal themes of family and ambition. It's a piece of television history that continues to be nearest and dearest to many viewers' hearts.
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
"Nearest and Dearest" was a British television sitcom that aired from 1968 to 1973. The show starred Hylda Baker and Jimmy Jewel as Nellie and Eli Pledge, siblings who inherit their father's pickle business in Colne, Lancashire. The series was known for its humor derived from the characters' squabbles, malapropisms, and the unique dynamics of a family-run business.
The premise of the show was simple yet effective: Nellie, a hard-working spinster, and Eli, a womanizing slacker, must run the family business together to inherit their father's fortune. This setup led to comedic situations and memorable catchphrases that are still recognized by fans of classic British comedy.
Despite the on-screen chemistry between Baker and Jewel, it was widely reported that the two did not get along off-screen, adding a layer of intrigue to the show's history. Their tumultuous relationship is often cited as one of the most toxic in British sitcom history.
"Nearest and Dearest" also serves as a cultural touchstone, reflecting the era's social norms and the changing landscape of British comedy. It's a show that, while rooted in the 1960s and 70s, continues to find new audiences who appreciate its wit and charm.
For those who grew up watching "Nearest and Dearest," the show remains a nostalgic reminder of a bygone era of television. And for newcomers, it offers a glimpse into the rich tapestry of British humor and the timeless appeal of family dynamics in storytelling.
Whether you're revisiting the series or discovering it for the first time, "Nearest and Dearest" stands as a testament to the enduring nature of well-crafted comedy and the universal themes of family and ambition. It's a piece of television history that continues to be nearest and dearest to many viewers' hearts.
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
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FunTranscript
00:00Program number 21, part 1, take 1.
00:03Edited copy.
00:30Music playing.
00:59Yes, short-sighted old sugar bag.
01:02Gonna get your glasses changed.
01:03Oh, I'm sorry, Eli.
01:05You're in here early. I'm usually first.
01:08Aye, well, you know how you usually spend all day in here?
01:11Aye.
01:12I spent all flaming night in here.
01:14Got home late, now Nellie locked me out.
01:17Aren't you gonna do anything about it?
01:19I'll say I'm gonna do something about it.
01:21I'm gonna tell her she's out of order.
01:23Oh, and by the way, so is this.
01:25It's frozen up.
01:30Well, you've got home, have you?
01:32Midnight cowboy.
01:34Where do you spend the night?
01:36The Hotel de Cecil?
01:38No, the Hotel de Boghouse.
01:40Well, it serves you rotten right.
01:42Why don't you get home at a receptacle hour?
01:44Let all decent people go to bed.
01:46There's no reason why I should come home and find house bolted up, is it?
01:49When I want to bolt the house up, I'll bolt it up,
01:51and you can flaming well belt up.
01:52Oh, fair dues, Nellie.
01:54I've only just been let into the Chamber of Trade.
01:56The Chamber of Trade?
01:57You look as if you've been let out of the Chamber of Horrors.
01:59Anyway, I made up my mind sitting out there all night.
02:01I'm not standing for it any more.
02:03You're not standing for it?
02:04No.
02:05What do you mean, you're not standing for it?
02:07Last night, you reached rock bottom.
02:09Yes, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again.
02:13Do you, er, do you mind?
02:15No, I'm fine.
02:17It's empty.
02:19Well, just go in the kitchen and make me another pot.
02:21I finish waiting on you, foot and mouth.
02:24I think at last you have come undone.
02:27Where?
02:29I don't know how you can do it, stopping out night after night,
02:32even bath nights.
02:34I mean, and leaving me, a lonely woman, all by myself,
02:38on me own, with nobody with me.
02:40I mean, in this house alone, when you know very well
02:42they're going about doing it.
02:45Who's going about doing it?
02:47Them.
02:48Them who?
02:50Them that are going about doing it.
02:53Doing what?
02:55That.
02:57To who?
02:58To me.
02:59To you?
03:00Yes.
03:01Well, not to me, not yet.
03:03But why? Why not?
03:05Because they're not bloody daft.
03:08No, because I keep them out the same way as I keep you out.
03:12I'm not just lying up there, an innocent victim to any Harry Tomadick.
03:18Look, Nellie, I can come in what time I like. I'm over 21.
03:22Yes, well, if you start coming in what time you like,
03:24then I'm going to keep stopping you out until what time I like.
03:28I'm going to sling my hoot and get gone.
03:31You mean you'd flip from here?
03:33Yes, flip from here.
03:34I'd flip him flit in a flaming flash, that's what I'd do.
03:38Yeah.
03:39Who the hell do you think you'd have you?
03:41Me? Me? I could go anywhere.
03:44Anywhere I could care to went, I could go.
03:47Be it downhill or updale.
03:49Doors would open and arms would come out.
03:51And slap you right in the bloody cakehole.
03:54No, they would be eager.
03:57Groping hands.
03:59Because, don't forget, Eli Pledge,
04:02throughout these years, there are hundreds of people I have done a turn for.
04:10Hey, do you recognise that voice?
04:12It's the Clangers.
04:14They've flown all the way in from Accrington.
04:16And you know why, Nellie Pledge?
04:18Because this is your life.
04:20Shut up.
04:21Hello, Nellie, love, I'm glad we've caught you.
04:23Just waiting to see what Walter's got.
04:25What's he got, nappy rash?
04:28Something he wants to give Nellie.
04:30Oh, are you sure you can spare it?
04:32He's been that excited.
04:33He had me out of bed at six o'clock this morning.
04:35You shouldn't give him black pudding for his supper.
04:38I couldn't wait to show it to you.
04:40Well, come on, let's have a look.
04:42What's the matter, can't you get hold of it?
04:45It is a bit slippery.
04:46I told him to wrap it up.
04:48Oh, yes.
04:49Oh, look, I'm all excited.
04:52Oh, look, a little tiggler.
04:57Well, it takes one to know one.
04:59Shut up, you.
05:00Take the notice.
05:01And did you catch this all by yourself, on your own, with nobody with you?
05:05Yes, he did.
05:06Mind you, it gave him a bit of a struggle.
05:08It pulled him in twice.
05:11Is he still very good at tickling, Nellie?
05:16I beg your pardon, now, Nellie.
05:18Well, you know how he used to do it, eh?
05:21You always used to go for the belly, didn't you?
05:24Down by the canal when you went trout tickling, eh?
05:28No, he's given that up.
05:29I bought him a goldfish and he does a bit at home.
05:32Well, if you remember, I mean, I think your Walter was always one more for indoor sports.
05:37Here, I hope you're not going to cook me that for me tea.
05:40No, I am not going to cook that for your tea.
05:43I'm not even going to give it to you for your tea, raw.
05:46I'm not going to even give it to your tea, even if you had fought the cat for it and won it.
05:51Because that is the last tea you are ever going to get from me.
05:56Steady now, Nellie, or you'll do yourself a mischief.
05:58You'll crack your crumpet.
06:00You must be going.
06:01You say, start thinking where you're sat, old Nellie.
06:04You seem to be, like, having words.
06:07Having words? The time has gone past for words. The time now is for action.
06:10I'm leaving home.
06:12I'll get you that and coat. Get your knickers on.
06:15It's come to that, has it?
06:17Well, mind you, I'll still go to the factory.
06:20I mean, I can catch the 54 into town, you know, and go to work there.
06:25Course you will, course you will.
06:27Then there's the 12.30 back, you know, from outside the spread eagle.
06:30Now, Walter catches that back from clinic.
06:32Now you'll have no trouble at all.
06:35Then I'll stop to have to bring me, fetch me and carry for Lord Mott there.
06:39Well, if I'm Lord Mott, you must be dutches of rubbish.
06:42It's a good idea, Nellie. A good idea, love.
06:44And where would you start?
06:46Well, I thought, well...
06:49With you.
06:50Yes.
06:52You are.
06:54Have enough with him.
06:55Have his poultices to change twice a day.
06:57And then there's that back bedroom to wallpaper.
06:59Oh, the brass neck of it.
07:00Some folk, they think you have it for daft.
07:02Oh, come on, stupid.
07:04Oh, and look.
07:05We want you to draw your Walter's Wicklow out.
07:10Oh, Nellie, I've had enough of you.
07:12You've had your chips with me
07:13and here's your rotten, stinking fish to go with it.
07:23Doors will open, eh?
07:25Arms will reach out, eh?
07:27You can go anywhere.
07:28Well, get in the kitchen and get my tea.
07:30And think on what a good home you've got
07:32and I might let you stop.
07:33Stop?
07:34I would stay with you if it was an igloo
07:36and there was a blizzard blowing round me bloomers.
07:40Anyway, I don't know.
07:41Where would you go?
07:42Oh, I don't know, though.
07:43They're a bit skint at Buckingham Palace.
07:45They'd probably have us at a lodger.
07:47There's a place for me.
07:49Somewhere.
07:50A place for me.
07:51And we all know where that is, don't we?
07:54I'll inhale that remark.
07:56Now, I'm off.
07:58You've been off for years.
07:59Where are you off to?
08:00I'm off to find myself a room with a view.
08:03Oh, are?
08:04What kind of a view?
08:05I don't care what kind of a view it is
08:07so long as it's not a room with a view of you.
08:15Well, here you are then, missus.
08:18Now, think on.
08:19Don't any boyfriends up here?
08:21Eh?
08:22Don't any foreign coins in the electric meter?
08:25Oh, yeah, and I don't want to find any pot in your room.
08:29We've got the bathrooms round there.
08:36Oh.
08:37Oh, well.
08:39Seems to have a nice view.
08:42Of the park.
08:44It is the park, isn't it?
08:46Yes, that's the park.
08:48Just behind the slaughterhouse there.
08:54Still, there we are.
08:56Home is what you make it.
09:05I think I'll make myself a cup of tea.
09:08Oh, hello, Stan.
09:10Well, where do you want it, Miss Nelly?
09:12Well, I think we'll have it on the bed.
09:17Now, look here, missus.
09:18What did I tell you?
09:19What did I tell you?
09:22What did I tell you when you answered that advertisement?
09:25No fancy men.
09:28What do you mean?
09:29Stan.
09:30Stan?
09:31A fancy man?
09:33I'm married, me.
09:35Well, there you go then, don't you?
09:36You married men, I don't know.
09:37You get a bit of overtime, goes to your head.
09:39You get big ideas, like setting yourselves up with a mistress.
09:43How dare you?
09:45What are you trying to instigate?
09:47Well, look, can I tell you what I hear?
09:50You're not planning to make blue films up here, are you?
09:54I have got no idea what you're trying to incinerate.
09:57But Stan here has volunteered for this job.
10:01Stan would go to any lengths for me.
10:04Yeah, I dare say.
10:05So you'd better get him out of here,
10:06otherwise you'll have to find yourself another luxury flat.
10:10Oh, well, I were going anyway.
10:13Don't worry, Stan, love.
10:14Don't worry.
10:15I'll see you all right.
10:17In the pickling shed at about half past seven tomorrow night.
10:21Why, the croaking jocks.
10:23And I thought I'd heard it all.
10:27Come on then, bring it in, get it up to the table.
10:29Yeah, I'm going to bring a bottles party, Mr. Eli.
10:33But never bring a barrel.
10:35That's because you don't know how to live, Dremble.
10:36You've got to think big like.
10:38Oh, it's cost you all this beer money for the rest of the week.
10:41It'll be worth it, Stan.
10:42Why, it'll be a night to forget.
10:44Yeah, I thought it's supposed to be a night to remember.
10:47By the time I've supped that lot,
10:49you won't remember your own name.
10:52Hey, now, Nelly's gone.
10:53I'm really going to make the scene.
10:54I'm really going to rock the boat.
10:57Hello, the bloody gnome of Conesback.
11:00What the hell are you on?
11:01I've come for this indelible photo of our poor dear dead dad.
11:08And what are you two doing here?
11:10We're going to have an orgy, Miss Nelly.
11:13Now then, Dremble,
11:14you don't have to answer her questions in my house.
11:18Your house?
11:19Yeah, she's only come back cos she's homesick, you know.
11:21Come crawling back on your jelly belly, Nelly, have you?
11:24I've not come back because I'm homesick, lovesick, seasick or pigsick.
11:28I came back with my head held high on all fours.
11:32Yeah, you've just come back to see how I'm enjoying myself without you, haven't you?
11:35I would not come back to live with you if you had a house in homes and gardens.
11:39From what I hear, where you're living,
11:41wouldn't get a mention in the slums and backyards.
11:44It may not be a luxury spench house, but...
11:46You what?
11:47But it may not be as flux relentless...
11:51But it is my seventh heaven,
11:53the inn of my sixth happiness,
11:56the, what shall I call it,
11:58my shaggy-lar.
12:04You mean shangry-lar.
12:06Shaggy-lar's upon moors outside Oldham.
12:10Yes, I know what it is.
12:12Here, think on.
12:13Next week, you'll be down on your knees kissing Brack's doorstep.
12:17Me?
12:18Yeah.
12:19Down on my knees kissing the Brack's doorstep?
12:20Begging me to take you back.
12:22Never, never.
12:23As long as I've got blood running through my body.
12:25At last I've found the courage
12:27to strike a blow for female constipation.
12:37The End
12:55Eli?
12:57Yes, Celia.
12:58I'm a bit worried, Eli.
13:00Are you, love? What about?
13:02Well, it's been over a fortnight now.
13:07You what?
13:10Since your Nelly left.
13:12Oh, why?
13:17Just you all on your own in this big house.
13:20Aye.
13:21Well, it must be lonely.
13:23Oh, it is, it is.
13:25Celia?
13:26Yes, Eli.
13:28There's been something I've been meaning to ask you.
13:32Oh, yes, Eli.
13:34Do you think you could...
13:35Yes, yes, go on, go on, Eli, go on.
13:38Well, do you...
13:39Go on.
13:41Would you...
13:42Go on.
13:43...wash those mucky pots up for me?
13:45You what?
13:46Well, they're driving me bloody crackers.
13:48That's what you flaming men,
13:50when you said you'd make me the slave of your love.
13:53You said you'd make me your wimp, Miss World.
13:55Well, I will, I will, but just for the moment,
13:57couldn't you be my Mrs Mop?
13:59You must be out of your tiny mind.
14:01What makes you think I'll be your Mrs Mop?
14:03Cos you're a flaming scrubber, that's why.
14:05Go on, get off, get out of here.
14:08Well, that's banjoed that lot, hasn't it?
14:11I don't know, what would me dad do in a case like this?
14:14Get drunk?
14:16No, I've tried that, that's no good.
14:18No good.
14:19I'll have to get our nally back, that's all.
14:22By hell, that's a new way to grow mushrooms.
14:28The advert said, every mod con.
14:30Anybody knows that's a rubbing board?
14:32I don't know.
14:36Hey, White Tornado.
14:38Are these yours?
14:42How dare you mess about with my smalls?
14:46You gloomer bandit.
14:48I've just hung those out in the bathroom.
14:50Ah, yes, I know all about that, but what I keep asking myself,
14:53is why?
14:54Because, Mr Knickerknocker,
14:57I have just rinsed them out, wrung them out and hung them out.
15:01And of course, I don't suppose for one moment it was your intention
15:04to inflame the passions of any poor man
15:07that might happen to be passing by the bathroom?
15:09Are you casting nasturtiums at me?
15:12So that in a moment of weakness, you'd be dashing here,
15:14the victim of the flesh, and in a flash, you would have him
15:18at your disposal.
15:20I'll have you know that no man has ever been near my disposal.
15:26You're all right, all right, don't burst your bloody bodies.
15:30And don't keep spagging my elastic.
15:33Yes, well, I'll let you off this time,
15:36but just you remember, no more advertising.
15:44Can you do that? Can you stop that?
15:46Oh, it must be done.
15:54That'll get you nowhere.
15:56Oh, Nellie, look, just out for a bit of a spin.
16:00What are you doing here? I didn't know this place was licensed.
16:03Well, I was just passing, saw you through a window.
16:05I mean, even if you've left home, there's no reason why I shouldn't have a chat
16:08like two reasonable human beings, is there?
16:10Oh? Where's the other one?
16:12Like your little joke, don't you?
16:14Truth to tell, Nellie, is I've been getting a bit worried about you lately.
16:18Oh, you really, Eli?
16:20Yes, you know, I mean, you must be a bit lonely all on your own like, aren't you?
16:23Oh, not really.
16:25I'm just, er, enjoying being an emaciated woman.
16:30You mean emancipated.
16:32Emaciated's when you look like a bit of scrag end.
16:34Oh, you could be right at that.
16:36You can muck. You always were a mucky mucker.
16:39That's what you were.
16:41I'll tell you why.
16:43Think about our mammy.
16:45She was an emaciated woman, all right.
16:47She was a suffering jet.
16:50You mean, suffer a jet.
16:52And me dad didn't half make her suffer for it at all.
16:54Do you remember that night, that foggy night,
16:56when me mam went out and chained herself to those railings?
16:59You mean, she thought she chained herself to the railings
17:01until Tram moved off, then she had to run with it all the way to bloody Devon?
17:06Yeah, that's true.
17:08Yes, but she still did everything the other suffering jets did.
17:11You remember when that other suffering jet
17:13threw herself in front of the king's horse?
17:15What did me mam do the next day?
17:17She threw herself in front of a donkey at Blackpool.
17:19Ah, yes, but that was because there were no king's horses about, wasn't it?
17:23And besides, then, because her eyesight was bad,
17:26she missed and threw herself behind it.
17:30Do you remember what she landed in?
17:34We had to dip her at sea before we could take her back to dig.
17:38Oh, no, she said she wasn't going to cause a stint for women's rights.
17:42Happy days.
17:43Ah, foggy nights.
17:45Nelly, love.
17:46What about it?
17:47What about what?
17:48Well, what about coming back home?
17:50I mean, they call me Big-Hearted Eli, you know.
17:53I mean, I don't mind having you back.
17:56Oh.
17:57Nelly, come home.
18:00All right, Eli. I'll come home.
18:02Good.
18:03I'll come home straight away.
18:04Good, I knew you'd see reason.
18:05Get your bag and we'll, er, you're just in time to make me me tea.
18:09Oh, well, er, I'll come back under one condition.
18:12Oh, aye, I can be generous. Name it.
18:14Er, that, er, as I come in, you move out.
18:18What? You what?
18:21It's been nice meeting you, Eli, in this wash house,
18:24because after all these years of knowing you,
18:27what I have known of you is that you've always been a flaming washout.
18:32Oh!
18:33Go on, you're all washed up, short-arse.
18:35Ta-da!
18:36Go on!
18:45How do you do? Pleased to meet you.
18:48Don't get up!
19:02Oh, bloody Nora.
19:05I've never seen anything like it.
19:09On the size of him.
19:14What a thing to bump into when you don't expect it.
19:18What are you after? What are you after?
19:21Have you got to let me in? I'm your new neighbour.
19:23I've just moved in the next room.
19:25Yeah, but what are you after?
19:26You might have too much I'm short of.
19:30You didn't look short of anything to me.
19:33Ah, don't be like that.
19:35Don't be like that? Don't worry, I'm not going to be like that.
19:39I was just wanting, er, a cup of sugar.
19:42That's it, just a cup of sugar.
19:44A cup of sugar?
19:45Yeah.
19:46Oh, you're not standing there with nothing on naked nude, are you?
19:50I've got my little short sports vest on.
19:53Well, you'll get no sport in here.
19:55And I'm wearing a towel.
19:57A towel? What kind of a towel?
19:59A bath towel or a tea towel?
20:02What do you think?
20:04Sorry, of course you wouldn't get into a tea towel.
20:08I wouldn't.
20:09Hey!
20:11This is the gear.
20:13I can see you and I are going to get on very well together.
20:16Yes, well, don't shake hands.
20:19I'm only through there, you know.
20:20Just through there on the other side of the wall.
20:22Yes.
20:23Paper thin, you know what these walls are.
20:25Are they really?
20:26Oh, aye.
20:30If you turn over quick, love, I might fall out of bed.
20:35But I mean,
20:37we're both footloose and fancy free.
20:40No point in being lonely, eh?
20:43Well, don't you go turning over quick or you might come through to here.
20:46You soon shall.
20:53Well, take all I've got.
20:59Pardon me.
21:00I didn't know you had company.
21:02Oh, love, you've given me a surprise.
21:04I can see that.
21:05I'll come back, shall I?
21:06No, don't come back.
21:08Yes, yes, yes, come back.
21:10Come back, come back.
21:11Where's your water?
21:13Well, like he had to stop off after climbing all those stairs.
21:16He had to have a little, like, pause.
21:18Yes, yes.
21:19We had you on us conscience-like,
21:21so we thought we'd pop up and see how you were coping with it.
21:25Well, I don't mind telling you, Lily.
21:27It's taken its time to have me.
21:29I can see that.
21:30Well, I'd better be going.
21:33I could do with a bit of a rest.
21:35Well, if you want a bit more, shout out.
21:39That's the door you want, mate.
21:40She's expecting you.
21:42My God, it's like an endless belt.
21:44Here, hang on a minute.
21:46Just you hold your horses.
21:48Hey, look at the state of you.
21:50I dare say you're a young man, really.
21:52Well, I'm going to put a stop to this.
21:54Come on, missus, open up.
21:56Oh, thank you for finding Walter.
22:00Oh, I'm so sorry.
22:03Hi, Walter.
22:04Oh, Walter.
22:06Has he been?
22:08Well, I don't know if he's been, but I'll tell you one thing.
22:11He's bloody going, and so are you.
22:13I've just about had enough of you, Fanny Hill.
22:15Get out!
22:17Don't call me Fanny Hill.
22:18I've just had enough of you, too.
22:20I'll tell you.
22:21Absolutely calling me a woman of disreputable reputation,
22:25I'll tell you my slogan is liberty, equality and maternity.
22:34Ha!
22:44Oh, my God, what a flaming midden.
22:48Well, Lily, now I've let you come home,
22:50you must admit I'm not a bad old pig, am I?
22:53You're not a bad old pig.
22:54It's taken me all me time to get into the sty.
22:58I've just seen two lords go.
23:01The midden men have just taken two lords a muck away.
23:03I'm telling you, it's the first time I've ever seen a midden man cry.
23:08Well, after great deliberation, I've decided to let you stop.
23:12Well, thank you, very glad.
23:14That's all right.
23:15That's all, provided you don't lock me out again.
23:17No.
23:18Have a hot meal on the table for me when I get in.
23:21Yes, Eli.
23:22And never ask me where I've eaten night before.
23:24No, Eli.
23:25And get me tea right away.
23:26No, Eli.
23:27Yes, Eli.
23:28What?
23:29What do you mean, no, Eli?
23:30Because I'm going out now.
23:32Oh, no, you're not.
23:33Oh, yes, I am.
23:37Just a minute.
23:39I am going out to see the bright lights.
23:41Bright lights, bright lights.
23:42The only bright lights round here is Chippy Winder.
23:45Oh, yes.
23:46Well, I'd rather see a bowl of mushy peas in the chip shop window
23:53than your mushy face.
23:55Hey, come on.
23:56What about my tea, then?
23:57Well, there's plenty of pickles in the cupboard.
23:59Why don't you do something different with the gherkin?
24:03Such as?
24:04Such as stuff it with a tin of mincemeat.
24:09All right.
24:10I'm off now.
24:11Oh, just a minute.
24:12Just a minute.
24:13There is only one person going outside this house tonight, and that is me.
24:17Oh, is that so?
24:19That's for sure.
24:20Is that for sure?
24:22Then I'll shut the flaming door.
24:30Just let me.
24:31What the hell's the idea?
24:32Get back there.
24:33Get back there.
24:34What the hell's the game?
24:35What's the game?
24:36It's cricket.
24:37Cricket?
24:38Yes, and you're LBO.
24:40You mean LBW.
24:41I mean LBO.
24:42Look bloody out.
25:00Program number 21, part 1, take 1.
25:03Edited copy.
25:29Edited copy.
26:00Get off.
26:02You short-sighted old sugar bag.
26:05Go and get your glasses changed.
26:07Oh, I'm sorry, Eli.
26:08You're in here early.
26:10I'm usually first.
26:11Ah, well, you know how you usually spend all day in here?
26:14Aye.
26:15I spent all flaming night in here.
26:17Got home late, now Nellie locked me out.
26:20Aren't you going to do anything about it?
26:22I'll say I'm going to do something about it.
26:24I'm going to tell her she's out of order.
26:26Oh, and by the way, so is this.
26:28It's frozen up.
26:34Well, you've got home, have you?
26:36Midnight cowboy.
26:38Where do you spend the night?
26:40The Hotel de Cecil?
26:41No, the Hotel de Boghouse.
26:44Well, it serves you rotten right.
26:46Why don't you get home at a receptacle hour?
26:48Let all decent people go to bed.
26:50There's no reason why I should come home and find house bolted up, is it?
26:53When I want to bolt the house up, I'll bolt it up and you can flame it while belt up.
26:56Oh, fair do's Nellie.
26:58I've only just been let out of the Chamber of Trade.
27:00Chamber of Trade? You look as if you've been let out of the Chamber of Horrors.
27:03Anyway, I've made up my mind sitting out there all night.
27:05I'm not standing for it any more.
27:07You're not standing for it?
27:08No.
27:09What do you mean you're not standing for it?
27:11Last night you reached rock bottom.
27:13Yes, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again.
27:17Do you, er, do you mind?
27:19No, not at all.
27:20It's empty.
27:23I'll just go in the kitchen and make me another pot.
27:25I finish waiting on you, foot and mouth.
27:29I think at last you have come undone.
27:32Where?